Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it right away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the most effective emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely exercise.

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a crisis, this might be mostly sitting down, calmly, and listening respectfully until the heat is gone. 

4. Effectively using supports, or reaching out to our social support networks, our families, close friends, therapists, probation officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things that we either cannot or should not be trying to control in the first place...  I just get more frustrated when I do this.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the best tools for understanding and preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others -- like how did I get into this mess in the first place? and / or

3. A Control Log can help with identification, understanding and management of self-destructive or other-destructive impulses. 

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that fear is often a strong motivator for violence.  Have you ever gotten to a point where you realized the only thing you can really do at that time is just give it up for the moment, sit down, and try to relax for a few minutes.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do, I ever ask myself the following questions: What is it that is so important that it must happen right now… -- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or why must I control this right now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of urgency and frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away... even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So why can’t I just take some time – and relax and be patient?…  Great idea!  Work on my patience right now; instead of trying to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of myself, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible actions right now -- which could lead to my regrets and / or my rationalizations and / or my false justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling.  And also, an Avenue where using substances or violence is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems substances and violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that these are my actions???  And these are my feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are my actions, correct?  I made my choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now, can I?  So, in what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on my partner or on the victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers, or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-controlling behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling only myself.  And then I could have looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider what are some examples of non-controlling and non-violent and non-intrusive behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a thought process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen right Now.
2. Consider my actions, my intentions, my beliefs, and my feelings. 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking accountability for my actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the effects and impacts (or possible effects and impacts) of my prospective actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?
5. How does my past violence play a role here; 
6. And finally, how could I possibly do this differently that would include non-violence, prevention and solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself; I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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Discussion Questions about the Control Log Process:

1. Can you please describe a situation where doing a control log might have helped you?

2. If you were handling such a situation now, what might you do?

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Getting Your Personal Change Plan Done -- AGAIN!!!

  Sometimes people might get tired of hearing that they need to put together another Personal Change Plan.  Question: Would I rather have changes that just happen to me -- and even effect me in a bad way?  Or would I rather make the plan myself and hopefully do better in the long run?  The bottom line is that Personal Change is an ongoing thing and one can make a new Personal Change Plan monthly, weekly, or even daily if they really want to.

  From one planning period to another; hopefully things are changing for the better.  It is hoped that anyone who is reading this for the second or third time is doing better now than they were doing when they did their previous plan.

  It might be good somewhere along the lines to think of making a new plan -- The first question being: What progress have I made since the last time I was in the position of making a new plan?

What's all this about the Commitment to Positive Personal Change?   

  Frankly, if one has not yet come to a point where she or he can see a need for some Personal Changes; then one ought to try and think about it some more.  How did I get into this mess?  What is one thing about me, or something that I thought, or something that I did that helped contribute to this tragic series of events?  The fact is that I was there.  Regardless of innocence or guilt, I was there.  Regardless of my intent or my actual thoughts and behaviors that day, I was arrested, charged, prosecuted and here I am.

  What reasonable person would not want to see some sort of a positive change at this point?  So come on!  What are some things that I could change that would help make sure that I never again end up in such a situation?

  

Keep that in mind as we move forward; One foot after another.

 

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado says that The Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and also for developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. It further says that everyone here "shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge."                                     

  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about the following among other things:

 

    --> Identifying his or her triggers. 

    --> Identifying his or her cycles of abusive thoughts.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive words.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive behaviors.

    --> Coming up with thoughts, words and behaviors that can help him or her turn otherwise 

          potentially abusive situations into situations that are no longer abusive.

    --> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

This is My Promise; My Commitment to Personal Change: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly with my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?  How might I do this???

• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?  How might I make this happen???

• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?  What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

• Am I ready to make some changes?

• Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?

• If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?  Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?

• Do you need to make more changes?

 A Good Starter List of Possible Personal Changes to Plan for that Could Help One Prevent DV Is Below:

  Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For example, are there more things that I should do; or have I already done everything that I should -- or that I can at this point?
  For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.

• Learn how to take time outs when I need them.

• Learn how to use stop, breathe and focus when needed.

• Respect yourself and others always.

• Plan ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.

• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to trust my partner.

• Avoid competing with my partner.  Create Win-Win situations.

• Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.

• Always be willing to take my time.

• Be sober.

• Watch out for red flags?

• If something in my relationship is wonderful -- then It might be good to tell my partner about It.

• Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.

• Be aware of and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.

• Apply what I know about relationships in order to have healthy relationships

• Listen to and pay close attention to my partner. (put down the phone, turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.

• Learn how to argue respectfully -- To avoid fights -- always be respectful.

• Learn to always disagree in a respectful manner.  Create Win-Win solutions.

• Find things about the relationship that make me feel happy, safe and grateful.

• Am I willing to do things differently this time?

• If you feel a need for treatment or could benefit from treatment, then go get it.

• Be careful.  Be courteous.  Be patient.  Be kind.  Be humble.  Play nice.

• I should try to be aware of my triggers.  Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me.  Keep my eye on the ball.

• Learn how to negotiate and compromise and to navigate with patience.

• Get in the habit of road-mapping potentially difficult situations.

• Use fairness in decision-making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).

• Be careful never to fight and never to be disrespectful.

• Act with prevention in mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the curve.

• Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.  

• Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis. 

• Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).

• Learn some good rules for argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.

• Don't ever try to make my partner feel ashamed.

• Stop keeping score of things that I do good for my partner.

• Stop keeping score of things that my partner did badly.

• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the relationship.

• Always be willing to re-think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.

• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.

• Believe in my self -- Increase my self-esteem.  Do things that make me feel good.

• Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.

• Look for positive solutions -- even in negative situations

• Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.

• Remember to try and be patient with my partner.

• Don't ever humiliate my partner. 

• Trying to find Win-Win solutions. 

• Never be afraid to make positive changes (sometimes the devil you know is safer than the devil you don't know.  But all the time, the devil you know is the devil.)

• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.

• Always be patient with myself.  No one is perfect.

• Never threaten my partner in any way.  Don't threaten or scare anyone.

• Always help my partner feel safe.

• Don't ever call my partner a name other than a nice name.

• Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.

• Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.

• And there are many more ideas on how to have a healthy relationship......

MORE IDEAS for A GOOD Personal Change Plan:

  Consider and learn how to develop some of the following patterns of thinking, behaviors and traits:

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”  It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions." 

Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are;  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day;  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable;  It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."

Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise."  This often requires a bit of patience.

Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."

Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together."

Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."

  Perhaps we can put things such as those mentioned directly below to an end in our lives.  And then we can move forward in a much better way as we learn how to employ the following ideas in our relationships.  Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan...  It would be really good to try and learn what all these words mean -- and how they could relate to -- and even improve -- a good Personal Change Plan? 

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.  Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”  And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”  Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Blaming the Victim --  "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.  Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms.  The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."  

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

*** Click on this Link to Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 

(First Posted, 7/6/2020; Originally penned 2013.)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.  Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Intimacy, Healthy Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Picture a bridge between two people....  a conduit over which or through which all of the goodness of the Relationship and intensity flows... And it always takes two (or more) to maintain that bridge...  This bridge cannot stand up there without being held on both ends...  --- All the time.  Then the question becomes: In a close, secure, and wonderful relationship; what would that bridge be made of?   Intimacy.

  According to the Dictionary, the word, Intimacy, can be defined as:  “A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.  A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.  For example: “Intimate knowledge”.

Another author wrote: 

  “Intimacy means creating an authentic connection.

  What is the meaning of intimacy?  What intimacy means varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship.  From context to context, the definition of intimacy changes and the meaning varies.

  Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions. Intimate feelings may be connected or confused with sexual arousal.   Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness, safety, trust and transparency among partners in a collaborative relationship.

  For intimacy to be sustainable and nourishing it also requires trust, transparency and rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating.” (Source).

Types of Intimacy: 

  Surely, there are different types of intimacy depending on the persons involved as well as on the situation.  Different types of Intimacy could include: Sexual, Emotional, Professional, and numerous others:

  The Naya Clinics, writes: "Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity or friendship; closeness. While it may seem this applies to romantic relationships, intimacy is important in non-romantic relationships as well. It is essential to forming connections with others that are deep, lasting, and healthy."; reports that the different types of Intimacy include: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Creative, Experiential and Spiritual (Source.)

  Whereas Author Rhett Smith states that there are 12 types of Intimacy shared between partners, including: 

"Sexual Intimacy: Sharing passion and physical pleasuring

Emotional Intimacy: Being tuned to each other’s wavelength

Intellectual Intimacy: Closeness in the world of ideas

Aesthetic Intimacy: Sharing experience of beauty

Creative Intimacy: Sharing in acts of creating together

Recreational Intimacy: Relating in experiences of fun and play

Work Intimacy: Closeness of sharing common tasks

Crisis Intimacy: Closeness in coping with problems and pain

Conflict Intimacy: Facing and struggling with differences

Commitment Intimacy: Mutually derived from common self-interest

Spiritual Intimacy: Unity shared in religious expression

Communication Intimacy: Mutual understanding and affirmation" (Source.)

Look at it this way for a moment:

For many of us, Relationships are largely about Sex.  And due to Societal messages, many people confuse Sex with Intimacy or Intimacy with Sex.  

I propose that: Sexual Relationships Without Intimacy Probably Put Us More At Risk Of DV.  -- Unless of course, we are simply intimate and one of the core pillars of our relationship is that our Sex is simply casual -- and NOT meaningful.

I was talking to a policeman once.. and I asked him what exactly constitutes Intimacy in terms of a DV Offense -- requiring that two people have or have had an Intimate Relationship?  His response was that Intimacy was "Sex".

  Think about this proposition:  Sex Without Intimacy Probably Puts Us More At Risk Of DV

Sex Without Intimacy is probably NOT a partnership, not love, It might not even be liking, and it is quite possibly not as safe as Sex with Intimacy

Sex Without Intimacy is probably more dangerous for BOTH partners.

More Intimacy helps decrease Animosity.... helps increase more understanding and more acceptance and possibly even a deeper love.

What makes up intimacy?  (If you wish to have an intimate relationship, you probably need to do most or all of the following).  An intimate relationship might contain -- like a Bridge between two intimate people -- it is made up of parts -- some of which are listed below:

Honesty: “Honesty is when you speak the truth and act truthfully.  What is honesty?  Many children understand a definition of honesty to be "don't lie". But a complete definition of honesty also means that an honest person doesn't do things that are morally wrong. If something you do is breaking the law or you have to hide it because you'll get in trouble, you are probably not being honest.  What is honesty? – Honesty is speaking the truth.  Honesty is being accountable.  Lying is not honest (also called dishonest) because you are saying something that isn't true.”

Trust: “Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”

Respect: “It means valuing each other’s points of view. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different from you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.”

A mutual sense of Equality: “The quality or state of being equal: the quality or state of having the same rights, social status, etc.”  When each has an equal right to determine whether she/he is being (or going to be) happy or sad.  (Equal in spirit rather than in substance).

Humility: “The quality or state of being humble.”  Can I apologize with sincerity when I mess up?

Forgiveness: “Allowing room for error or weakness.”

Liking and - or Attraction --  or Feeling Wanted (Not necessarily Sexual Attraction) to: “Feeling as if one wants to be around someone due to the way it makes her/him feel when they are together (i.e., happy, energetic, sexy, lovely, good about self).”

Spontaneity / Compromise: “Taking a risk, living life to the fullest, no plans, "don't think just do". To be spontaneous is to be the most relaxed go with the flow and have fun person, you would never get mad if plans changed you would get excited because then it would become spontaneous.”  Or just being able to spontaneously have fun together.

Faith: “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”  (There may also be a Spiritual component here as well).  A lot of successful couple share Faith; or they each have tremendous respect (if not admiration) for the faith that is held by the other partner.

Self-Awareness: “Is having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations, and emotions. Self-Awareness allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude, and your responses to them in the moment.”

Vulnerability: “Susceptibleness to physical or emotional attack or harm.”  If you are with someone with whom you cannot feel vulnerable; you might be lacking intimacy.

Accountability: “The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.”  Being willing to think critically about self, actions, thoughts and feelings – taking the good with the bad.

Patience: “The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”  Listening to someone (long enough -- and without distraction) and sincerely trying to understand what they mean.  Taking your time.

Other qualities of Intimate Relationships could include: Hope, Unconditional Acceptance, Confidence, Interest, Affection, Affinity, and Altruism.  Intimacy is often about being willing to work on it.  Intimacy is not about being “perfect.”  But it's about being sincere.  Intimacy may even feel like “symbiosis.”

Thus, it was said earlier that Intimacy is a Voluntary Condition.  Intimacy is like a bridge.  It is held up (actively or passively) between two or more people.  Intimacy is something that both people hold up and maintain.  It takes two (or more) to do intimacy, and it often takes effort.  It rarely happens without work.

Commitment and Integrity. Finally, Intimacy quite possibly requires a mutual sense of clarity about the integrity of the Relationship.  In other words, if one person is in love; but the other is not; it may not be Intimacy.

Why is Intimacy So Important to Learn About in Domestic Violence Treatment?

  For one, simply answer this question: How can Domestic Violence Effect (and/or be effected by) Intimacy?  Or how could Intimacy be impacted by Domestic Violence?

1. Did you and/or your partner have moments of dishonesty in relation to your DV event(s)?
2. Did you and/or your partner find that the trust between you was challenged or destroyed in relation to your DV event(s)?
3. If your partner or someone else called the police on you, could it be that this was an attempt to equalize the immediate situation between you and your partner?
4. Did you and/or your partner ever find the other to be impatient with the other person or with yourself?
5. When your DV event happened, were you 100% self-aware – aware of your partner?
6. Have you totally owned up to (become accountable for) your part of what happened that got you into DV-related trouble?  How did this measure up to the intimacy you shared?
7. Finally Intimacy probably leads to a Kinship of sorts.  A psychological kinship (Bailey).

NOTE: True Intimacy is not included in relationships that are about Power and Control!!!  Intimacy is more likely to be found in relationships that are about Equality. 

In other words, Intimacy and Domestic Violence cannot happen at the same time -- even in cases where there was a false accusation of Domestic Violence.

  With the one possible exception: During the honeymoon phase -- of a conflict... just after the explosion..... both are trying harder and you might catch a (mistaken) glimmer of intimacy there...  Like Intimacy is not even really there in such situations.  However, many of us tend to see it during those times...  Or Perhaps it is just wishful thinking.  And maybe we just see the Intimacy in such situations because we are so hurt after fighting that we see want to see through our tears and our fears.

So Try to Guess for Yourself -- If two people are truly sharing Intimacy with each other; which of each of these dichotomous interactions will they be likely to share?

Violence and Disrespect vs. Respect and Non-Violence

Confrontation vs. Argument

Competition vs. Collaboration

Denial vs. Acknowledgement

Avoidance vs. Resolution

Blame vs. Accountability

Studying vs. Assuming

Curiosity vs. Prejudice

Rushing vs. Patience

Aggressive vs. Assertive

Jealous vs. Trusting 

Unconditional Giving vs. Keeping Score

Letting her or him win at Chess vs. Checkmating her or him as fast as possible

Non-Disclosive / Appropriate (sometimes possibly even including TMI) 

Discussion Question: 

How was your experience of intimacy impacted by the DV that you took part in?  

 

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your 

Intimacy and Prevention of Domestic Violence Worksheet! ***  

Some Definitions are From: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ and http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/ and http://oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/.  Parts of the above were Compiled By Dr. Beverly, March. 2014