The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

   This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.

Alternative Posts for DV and the Holidays -- Does DV Increase during Holidays?

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Optional Reading about DV and the Holidays:

  Over the years, there have been warnings that the Holidays can be a fertile time for Domestic Violence.  

  While the Media and some others tend to play up the idea that DV increases during the Winter Holidays; the Research is still a bit inconclusive.  Still, given that the Holidays often include a great deal of stress related to pressures to enjoy, produce or co-facilitate a wonderful holiday for others or for self; grief (particularly related to visiting relatives and friends, and missed relatives; or anger related to family conflict, unmet expectations, broken promises, or lack of funds).  There are also other Risk Factors for DV including drug and alcohol abuse, anger due to disappointments, and the idea of missing a former partner, who is now being grieved more so because it is the Holidays.  It is important that we pay attention to ourselves as well as others during this time.  And that we get support and/or help if we need it.  It is also important to create a Safety Plan for avoiding DV (as a Victim or a potential Abuser) during the Holidays.  Below are several examples of Media Articles related to this phenomenon.  Please feel free to contact me 24/7 via Text Message during this Holiday Season.  Dr. Beverly (719) 671-7793.

St. Lucie sheriff: Mark Holland dies after killing his wife, father-in-law 2 days before Christmas

Sara Marino, Treasure Coast Newspapers Published 12:50 p.m. ET Dec. 26, 2018 | Updated 4:35 p.m. ET Dec. 26, 2018

  ST. LUCIE COUNTY — A St. Lucie County man who was accused of killing his wife and father-in-law Sunday died on Christmas.    Sheriff Ken Mascara said this is the seventh incident in 2018 where a murder resulted from a domestic violence incident.

  At a Wednesday morning news conference, Sheriff Ken Mascara identified the accused shooter as Mark Holland, 53. Mascara also identified the victims: 84-year-old Rudolph Rehm and his daughter, 58-year-old Renee Holland.

  Mascara said deputies received calls about screaming and gunshots coming from a home, located at 3 Grande Camino Court in Fort Pierce, at 6:39 p.m. Sunday.  When deputies arrived, they found Rehm and Renee Holland dead with gunshot wounds inside the home.

  Mark Holland was accused of shooting and killing his wife and father-in-law in St. Lucie County two days before Christmas.  Mascara said Mark Holland was taken to a local hospital in serious condition Sunday, with charges pending.  On Christmas night, Mark Holland died as a result of self-inflicted injuries, Mascara said.

  "Through our investigation, we learned that Mark Holland was arrested in Indian River County for domestic violence toward Renee on Aug. 29 of this year," Mascara said.  "Tragically, here in St. Lucie County, this is the seventh death this year in our community that has a nexus to domestic violence."  The Aug. 29 case was later dropped because of lack of cooperation by Renee Holland, a sheriff's spokesperson said.

  Deputies said Rehm was shot in his bed first, and Renee Holland was running out of the home but was killed before she made it outside.

  Mascara said 72 percent of all murder-suicides involve a loved one.  "Sadly, the ones who profess our love the most, might kill you," Mascara said.

  In 2018 so far, the Sheriff's Office has responded to 648 calls regarding domestic violence, which is an increase of 43 calls from the previous year.  Mascara urged people who are victims of domestic violence to reach out to Safe Space, a local shelter and service provider, at 800-500-1119.  “If you know someone who is going through a difficult time, be it domestic violence, depression, or something else, be an advocate for them and get them help,” Mascara said.

  Michelle Akins, the director of Safe Space, said the agency had about 2,000 calls in 2018 to their 24/7 hotline.  "Please, if you are a victim and you do need us, we are there for you 24-7," Akins said.

(Source, Retrieved 12/16/2019 from: https://www.tcpalm.com/story/news/crime/st-lucie-county/2018/12/26/domestic-violence-mark-holland-suicide-murders-wife-father-law/2414021002/)

 

From Violence-Free Colorado:

As we find ourselves in the midst of the holiday season, we are often asked the question, ‘Does domestic violence increase during the holidays (the time period beginning the week of Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day)?’

 

Although there continues to be a common perception that domestic violence increases during the holidays, available research on such a link is still limited and inconclusive. Information on the number of calls received by the National Domestic Violence hotline, which fields thousands of calls from victims in Colorado in lieu of a statewide hotline based in Colorado, for the past ten years indicates that the number of calls drops dramatically during the holidays, including on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.* Most of the rest of the available information continues to be anecdotal or opinion pieces reflecting the experiences of advocates at a particular shelter or law enforcement agencies in a given community.

 

Additionally, many communities experience increased media and public attention to domestic violence during the holidays. The holidays are certainly an opportunity to increase public awareness that domestic violence does not stop during the holidays and that the abuse and violence experienced by victims may be exacerbated (although not

caused) by the financial stress and alcohol consumption that often accompany the holidays. Victims and survivors of domestic violence may experience additional stress and unique challenges over the holiday season and may turn to advocates at domestic violence organizations or to other resources in the community for needed support, such

as with safety planning specific to the holidays, food, gifts for their children, etc.

 

Members of the community who want to help victims of domestic violence and their children, who are not fortunate enough to experience the joy of the holidays within safe, loving families, should contact the local domestic violence non-profit organization serving their community to find out ways they can offer their support. A listing of all such organizations in the state is available here on Violence Free Colorado’s website.

 

*An analysis of statistics from small studies and available data on calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline indicates some contradictory patterns.

 

 

Summary of Available Data:

• A 2005 study examining police incident reports of domestic violence in Idaho suggests that there is a strong relationship between particular holidays and incidence reports of Intimate Partner Violence. This study found that domestic violence reports are higher than the normal daily average on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day averaging 2.7 times more incidents of domestic violence than the normal daily average.1

• A 2010 study examining calls for law enforcement assistance in a large U.S. city also found that the number of

incidents reported was higher on New Year’s Day compared to the daily average.2

• On the other hand, data from the National Domestic Violence hotline for the years 2004 through 2010, indicates that the number of hotline calls drops dramatically during the holidays. For instance, call volume drops by approximately half on Thanksgiving Day. Call volume decreases by an average of 53% on Christmas Day and 30% on

New Year’s Day.3

 

1 Vasquez, S. P., Stohr, M. K., Purkiss, M. (2005). Intimate partner violence incidence and characteristics: Idaho NIBRS 1995

to 2001 data. Criminal Justice Policy Review, 16(1), 99–‐114.

2 Joshi, M., & Sorenson, S. B. (2010). Intimate partner violence at the scene: Incident characteristics and implications for

public health surveillance. Evaluation Review, 34(2), 116–‐136.

3 NDVH provides a very different data source than is used in the other two studies. While the two studies examine law

enforcement statistics, NDVH call data reflect individuals reaching out on a toll–‐free helpline for assistance, including

victims, friends and family, and less frequently, offenders. Also, data analyzed by the three sources referenced here are

from different time periods.

(Source: Violence-Free Colorado, 2018:  https://www.violencefreecolorado.org/2014/12/faq-dv-during-the-holidays/)

 

 

 

 

By Taylor Frost | Posted: Fri 10:09 PM, Nov 23, 2018 | Updated: Fri 10:13 PM, Nov 23, 2018

SPRINGFIELD, Mo - The Victim Center in Spring_eld helps many clients each year. Executive Director, Brandi Bartel, says Greene County ranks among the top in the state for the highest rates of domestic violence.

 

"There isn't a particular season for violence," Bartel said. "Violence happens year round."

During the holiday season, Bartel says there tend to be more opportunities for abuse to take place since many families gather together.

"Often times that can lead to crisis situations where victims don't feel safe," Bartel said.

Statistics from the Victim Center over the past three years show an increase in reports in January. Bartel says they do not know exactly why but believe once victims return to a sense of normalcy, after the holidays, they feel more comfortable asking for help.

"We are always here and willing to help victims think of things they would want to include in their own safety plan," Bartel said.

"Every individual circumstance is different."

If you know someone in a potentially dangerous or abusive situation, Bartel says your response is important.

"It is very painful to watch our loved ones go through these very violent types of situations," Bartel said.

She suggests being patient, friendly and taking time to listen.

"Just share that love you have for that person in a very non-judgemental way," Bartel said.

For more information about the center visit: www.thevictimcenter.org

The contact their 24-7 hotline for help, call: 417-864-7233 (SAFE)

 

(Source: https://www.ky3.com/content/news/Understanding-domestic-violence-during-the-holiday-season-501161472.html)

 

 

By Melissa Kakareka | November 28, 2018 at 10:10 AM CST - Updated November 28 at 10:10 AM

SHREVEPORT, LA (KSLA) - For those experiencing or escaping domestic violence — this time of year isn’t full of Christmas cheer.

“Unfortunately, domestic violence doesn’t take a holiday. Domestic violence is continuous throughout the holidays,” says Petrina Jenkins of Project Celebration Inc.

Many survivors are tempted to stay with or go back to abusers during the holiday season. At Project Celebration Inc, the staff works to prevent that from happening. They’re are working to keep the women and children in shelters safe and comfortable this holiday season.

“We have conversations in our group sessions with survivors that things don’t change just because of a holiday.

Reminding that individual of why they left," she continues.

As far the perception that domestic violence spikes during the holiday season, Jenkins says that’s a myth.

Domestic violence is continuous and happens year round. P.C.I. shelters remain close to full right now and all year.

However, they do tend to see a spike in calls in the beginning of January when people are making New Year’s Resolutions.

"If you are in a violent situation or you know someone in a violent situation at the holidays or otherwise, safety planning is always important. It’s always important to have a plan that’s well thought out, speci_c to your needs, and have an ally. "

No matter what time of year, Jenkins says its important to be supportive of victims.

Project Celebration Inc. is accepting gifts and basic needs for the women and kids at the shelter so they have a good Christmas. The organization works hard to help the kids have some holiday cheer.

 (Source: https://www.ksla.com/2018/11/28/holidays-can-be-challenging-time-domestic-violence-survivors/)

 

DV on the Holidays is not a new phenomenon; For Example, Headline Reads:

“North Carolina tobacco farmer murdered his wife and six children — including infant daughter — in 1929 Christmas Day massacre”

  On Christmas Day, 1929, Marie Lawson, 17, rose early to blend butter, sugar, and three egg whites, roll a cup of raisins in flour, and pour the mixture into two circular pans. In about an hour, her signature dessert would be iced and ready for the holiday.  Five years later, it was still untouched, except for a few raisins stolen by sightseers. It remained on display, under glass, a souvenir of a massacre.

  There was no way Marie could have known that, while the cake was cooling, her dad was out behind the tobacco barn, killing two of her sisters.

  And there was certainly no way she could have predicted that she'd soon be among her father's victims.

  On that Christmas day, Charles Davis Lawson, 43, a North Carolina tobacco farmer, murdered his wife and six of his seven children before taking his own life.

  People still wonder why.

  Lawson was born in 1886 in the town of Lawsonville. He grew up, started sharecropping, married Fannie Manring in 1911, and had eight children. One boy died at age 6 of pneumonia.

  By 1927, Lawson had saved money enough to buy land near Germanton, close to his brothers' farms. The property had a ramshackle 200-year-old farmhouse and barns perfect for storing tobacco.”

  “Lawson family grave. The killing attracted so much attention that an estimated 5,000 curiosity-seekers attended the Lawson family funeral. They were all buried in a single large plot in the private Browder Family Cemetery just outside of Germanton.”

  Some people believe that his troubles could be traced to an accident during the renovations when Lawson hit himself in the forehead with his ax, wrote M. Bruce Jones and Trudy J. Smith in "White Christmas, Bloody Christmas." His wounds healed, but many people said that Lawson changed after the accident, his usual quick temper flaring more often and with greater intensity.

  A couple of weeks before Christmas, Lawson bundled his family into his truck for a drive to Winston-Salem, about 13 miles away. There, he bought them fancy new clothes, whatever they wanted, no matter what the cost. Then he had them sit for a family portrait. It was, he said, part of a "Christmas surprise."

  On Christmas morning, around the time Marie was preparing the ingredients for her cake, Charles and his eldest son Arthur, 16, went out hunting.

  The men ran out of ammunition, so Charlie sent his son into Germanton, about 15 minutes away, to buy some more. Arthur was still in the store when word reached him that something horrible had happened at home.

  His mother and six brothers and sisters were dead. The middle girls, Carrie, 12, and Maybell, 7, had been found in the tobacco barn, shot and bludgeoned.

  There was more horror at the house. Fannie had been on the porch when a shotgun blast to her chest killed her. Inside, Marie's corpse was sprawled near the fireplace. James, 4, and Raymond, 2, had been beaten to death. Even the youngest member of the family, 4-month-old Mary Lou, had not been spared.

  First to discover the bodies were Charlie's brother, Elijah, and his sons. They had stopped by on their way home from a morning hunt, planning to wish the family a Merry Christmas.

  Word of the horror spread quickly, and soon police and neighbors filled the house. Someone got a car and whisked Arthur home.  But Charlie was nowhere to be found.

  More than four hours passed before Charlie announced his whereabouts with a single shot. He had run into the woods, down toward a thicket where he walked in a circle around a pine tree so many times that he wore a path in the snow. Then he turned the gun on himself.

  The mournful howls of Lawson's two beagles led searchers to his body.

  "Crazy Farmer Kills Wife, 6 Children," was the headline of a small item in the New York Times.

  The entire family was buried in a single plot — the victims next to their murderer — but that was not the end of the story.

  So many people kept crawling around the crime scene that one of Lawson's brothers decided to charge a 25-cent admission to tour the house.

  During the five years the house was open, it drew sightseers by the thousands, including, the story goes, Public Enemy Number One — John Dillinger.

  Booklets, poems and photographs of the house and the grave raised more money. A bluegrass musician penned a ballad and sold it to Columbia Records, and it became a hit. Mothers in the area would sing it to their children instead of lullabies.

  Strange stories of premonitions, curses and ghosts went wild, especially after the family's sole survivor, Arthur, died in his early 30s in a freak truck accident.

  Over time, the house was torn down, and interest in the tragedy waned. Then in the late 1980s, Jones, who grew up in the area and was 8 at the time of the murders, decided to find an answer to the long-pondered question of "why."

  One new theory was that Charlie was trying to cover up a case of incest and that Marie was carrying her father's child. A documentary filmed in 2006 — "A Christmas Family Tragedy" — suggested it was the devastating end to a long-term history of domestic abuse. But no one can say for sure.

  As for Marie's Christmas cake, it spent years as the star attraction at the murder site and in carnival sideshows. It had to be protected by a glass cover because people were picking off the raisins as keepsakes.

  When the tours ended, one of Lawson's relatives took the cake home and eventually buried it.

(Source: Retrieved 12/16/2019 from: https://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/crazed-farmer-kills-wife-6-kids-christmas-day-massacre-article-1.2477445)

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My Personal Mission Statement is for Prevention of Domestic Violence in my Life

  Regardless of what happened or how it happened, if I was named in the Court Case, then I was probably involved.  

  And now, I am choosing to never again be involved in Domestic violence...  NEVER AGAIN!!!  So how might I do that?  

  Could it be that Perhaps I need a Personal Mission Statement?

  In order to plan for this, we need to take a good look at our own values.  Our values tend to project our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our beliefs, our past, and our shortcomings among other things.  Many of us carry our values around like Billboards so that everyone can see them.

  Some folks get Morals and Values confused.  And “While morals may feel like they are usually imposed from the outside, values are inherent and personal in character” (Study.com).  So for the purpose of this discussion here today, Values and Morals are essentially the same.

  So here are some questions for us to ponder:

  What are our values?  

  How do our Values impact our lives?  

  How do your values impact the lives of others?

  What is My Mission Statement?   

  Great Questions!  Well, Our Missions in life tend to be based on our Values.  We usually gotta believe in something before we really want to make it happen.

   First, It might help to know what a Mission Statement is. It can sometimes be challenging to tease out our Mission from our Values and Goals.  In fact, our Goals and our Mission can sometimes be intertwined.   So let's check out a few popular Mission Statements.  For example:

 Even McDonald's has a Mission Statement!  For example: McDonald’s says, “Our mission is to make delicious feel-good moments easy for everyone.  This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities” (McDonald’s).

Martin Luther King “refused to allow prison, violence or the threat of death sway his end mission. Instead, he stood beside his goal of achieving rights for all through nonviolent protests. Dr. King maintained a vision for a more diverse America where all people enjoyed the benefits of equality” (The National Civil Rights Museum).

“The goal of the Grateful Dead was to provide a high quality experience with high quality music. They wanted to play great music for people who were really into music. There were choices they could have made along the way that, while more profitable, would have meant abandoning their true goal”  (Anne Grady Group).

And “The Red Cross, born of a desire to bring assistance without discrimination to the wounded on the battlefield, endeavors—in its international and national capacity— to prevent and alleviate human suffering wherever it may be found. Its purpose is to protect life and health and to ensure respect for the human being”  (The American Red Cross). 

  Types of Values might include: Personal Values, Professional Values, Social Values, National Values, Religious Values....

  In this particular case, it is important now to know that for each one of us involved in DV Offender Treatment: "My Personal Mission Statement is for me to be able to Prevent any more Domestic Violence in my Life." 

  Let's see if we Can we agree on to the following:  

  Whereas, according to the Courts, I have had some Domestic Violence in my Life.  This malady has costs others and myself the following: Time, Money, Trust, Emotional or Physical Trauma, Stress, Pain, Mental challenges and numerous other resources.  Therefore, I have decided I no longer want DV in my life.

In order to make that Mission come true, I need a Mission Statement 

 "A meaningful personal mission statement contains these basic elements. 

1. The first thing to think about is what I want to do?  – What I want to accomplish?  What contributions do I want to make and to whom?... to what?  And finally, What do I hope to get out of it?

2. The second is What do I want to be?  Like...  How do I want to be viewed or perceived by others when my Mission is done?  –  And what character strengths do I have to help me accomplish this?   Also, What qualities do I want to develop during this process.  How do I want to grow?" 

3. Thirdly, I need to keep in mind that an effective Personal Mission Statement must also be doable for me.  

  In order to create a good Personal Mission Statement: I have to be honest with myself; I have to be Flexible; willing to listen to others who mean well; and I have to be strong.  I need to have Positive Energy in my life, I need Patience, I need a Positive Outlook, Tact, and Good Will.  And I need as much Mindfulness as I can do.  And I have to be committed to making the correct decisions, as well as correcting my errors, and then following up by doing the right thing(s).

  So I need some important Tools: I will need to know myself, including what I need, what I want, what I like, how I love, my feelings, my anger, my respect for everyone, and my boundaries, my morals, my resistance, all of my wisdom -- all the energy that I can muster, my courage, my needs in a relationship, etc...   And I also need to know that which I want, and that which I cannot tolerate.  

  Furthermore.  I also need to know what I am capable of; and what I am not capable of.  Further, I need some reliable ways of knowing when things are truly good; as well as ways of knowing when things are not good; along with many other things.

And Finally: 

  In order for me to Prevent DV from happening in my life; I will need to recognize the warning signs -- the Red Flags!  

  I have to be able to Manifest and Promote a Lifestyle that can accommodate healthy relationships as well as one that is devoid of Violence of any kind.

Super Basic Questions: 

  “It's time to start Building On My Individual Values in order to create My Personal Mission Statement for Domestic Violence Prevention”.  First I need to know the following:

Question: “What are some of my Personal Values as they relate to Relationships and prevention of DV?"

Question: “What is my Mission in Life as it relates to Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence?”

Question: “How might my Values and / or my Mission in Life help me to Prevent Domestic Violence in my future relationships?”

  And this is how I am going to do it.  I am going to Feel, Think, Love, Listen to my Heart, be Honorable, I will Plan, Act, Respect others, command Respect for myself, Re-Assess, and go for it again... 

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

Personal Mission Statement To Prevent DV *** 

Getting Your Personal Change Plan Done -- AGAIN!!!

  Sometimes people might get tired of hearing that they need to put together another Personal Change Plan.  Question: Would I rather have changes that just happen to me -- and even effect me in a bad way?  Or would I rather make the plan myself and hopefully do better in the long run?  The bottom line is that Personal Change is an ongoing thing and one can make a new Personal Change Plan Monthly, Weekly, or even Daily if they really want to.

  From one planning period to another; hopefully things are changing for the better.  It is hoped that anyone who is reading this for the second or third time is doing better now than they were doing when they did their previous plan.

  It might be good somewhere along the lines to think of making a new plan -- The first question being: What progress have I made since the last time I was in the position of making a new plan?

What's all this about the Commitment to Positive Personal Change?   

  Frankly, if one has not yet come to a point where she or he can see a need for some Personal Changes; then one ought to try and think about it some more.  How did I get into this mess?  What is one thing about me, or something that I thought, or something that I did that helped contribute to this tragic series of events?  The fact is that I was there.  Regardless of innocence or guilt, I was there.  Regardless of my intent or my actual thoughts and behaviors that day, I was arrested, charged, prosecuted and here I am.

  What reasonable person would not want to see some sort of a positive change at this point?  So come on!  What are some things that I could change that would help make sure that I never again end up in such a situation?

  

Keep that in mind as we move forward; One foot after another.

 

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado says that The Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and also for developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. It further says that everyone here "shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge."                                     

  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about the following among other things:

 

    --> Identifying his or her triggers. 

    --> Identifying his or her cycles of abusive thoughts.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive words.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive behaviors.

    --> Coming up with thoughts, words and behaviors that can help him or her turn otherwise 

          potentially abusive situations into situations that are no longer abusive.

    --> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

This is My Promise; My Commitment to Personal Change: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly with my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?  How might I do this???

• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?  How might I make this happen???

• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?  What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

• Am I ready to make some changes?

• Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?

• If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?  Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?

• Do you need to make more changes?

 A Good Starter List of Possible Personal Changes to Plan for that Could Help One Prevent DV Is Below:

  Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For Example, are there more things that I should do; or have I already done everything that I should -- or that I can at this point?
  For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.

• Learn how to take Time Outs when I need them.

• Learn how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus when needed.

• Respect yourself and others always.

• Plan Ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.

• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to Trust my partner.

• Avoid Competing with my partner.  Create Win-Win situations.

• Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.

• Always be willing to take my time.

• Be Sober.

• Watch out for Red Flags?

• If something in my relationship is Wonderful -- then It might be good to Tell my Partner About It.

• Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.

• Be aware of, and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.

• Apply what I know about Relationships in order to have healthy relationships

• Listen to, and pay close attention to my Partner. (Put down the phone, Turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.

• Learn How to Argue Respectfully -- To avoid fights -- Always be Respectful.

• Learn to always disagree in a Respectful manner.  Create Win-Win solutions.

• Find things about the Relationship that make me feel Happy, Safe and Grateful.

• Am I willing to do things differently this time?

• If you feel a need for Treatment or could benefit from Treatment, then go get it.

• Be Careful.  Be Courteous.  Be Patient.  Be Kind.  Be Humble.  Play nice.

• I should try to be aware of my Triggers.  Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me.  Keep my eye on the Ball.

• Learn how to Negotiate and Compromise and to Navigate with Patience.

• Get in the habit of Road-mapping potentially difficult situations.

• Use Fairness in Decision-Making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).

• Be careful never to Fight and never to be Disrespectful.

• Act with Prevention in Mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the Curve.

• Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.  

• Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis. 

• Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the Relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).

• Learn some good rules for Argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be Flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.

• Don't ever try to make my Partner feel Ashamed.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that I do Good for my Partner.

• Stop Keeping Score of things that my Partner did Badly.

• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the Relationship.

• Always be willing to Re-Think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.

• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.

• Believe in my Self -- Increase my Self-Esteem.  Do things that make me feel good.

• Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.

• Look for Positive Solutions -- even in Negative Situations

• Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.

• Remember to try and be Patient with my Partner.

• Don't ever Humiliate my Partner. 

• Trying to find Win-Win Solutions. 

• Never be Afraid to Make Positive Changes (Sometimes the Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know.  But all the time, the Devil you know is the Devil.)

• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.

• Always be Patient with myself.  No one is Perfect.

• Never threaten my Partner in any way.  Don't threaten or scare anyone.

• Always help my Partner feel safe.

• Don't ever call my Partner a Name other than a nice Name.

• Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.

• Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.

• And there are many many more ideas on how to have a Healthy Relationship......

MORE IDEAS for A GOOD Personal Change Plan:

  Consider and learn how to develop some of the following Patterns of Thinking, Behaviors and Traits:

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”  It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions." 

Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are;  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day;  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable;  It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."

Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise."  This often requires a bit of patience.

Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."

Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together."

Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."

  Perhaps we can put things such as those mentioned directly below to an end in our lives.  And then we can move forward in a much better way as we learn how to employ the following ideas in our relationships.  Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan...  It would be really good to try and learn what all these words mean -- and how they could relate to -- and even improve -- a good Personal Change Plan? 

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.  Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”  And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”  Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Blaming the Victim --  "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.  Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms.  The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."  

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

*** Click on this Link to Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 

(First Posted, 7/6/2020; Originally penned 2013.)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.  Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).