Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: August 2023

What are Boundaries? Who sets Boundaries? Why do we need Boundaries? What happens without Boundaries? Do other people need Boundaries? Do other people respect our Boundaries?

Do we respect the Boundaries of others? Do we respect our own Boundaries? What might Boundaries have to do with a Healthy Relationship. Or better still, What might Boundaries have to do with Domestic Violence?

Boundaries can be defined as: “A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line. Or a limit of a subject or sphere of activity” (Source).

According to Wikipedia, “Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.[1] They are built out of a mix of conclusions, beliefs, opinions, attitudes, past experiences and social learning.[2][3] This concept or life skill has been widely referenced in self-help books and used in the counseling profession since the mid-1980s.[4]

"According to some counselors, personal boundaries help to define an individual by outlining likes and dislikes, and setting the distances one allows others to approach.[5] They include physical, mental, psychological and spiritual boundaries, involving beliefs, emotions, intuitions and self-esteem.[6] Jacques Lacan considered such boundaries to be layered in a hierarchy, reflecting "all the successive envelopes of the biological and social status of the person".[7] Personal boundaries operate in two directions, affecting both the incoming and outgoing interactions between people.[8] These are sometimes referred to as the "protection" and "containment" functions.[2]” (Source).
Wikipedia goes on to state that: “The personal boundaries concept is particularly pertinent in environments with controlling people or people not taking responsibility for their own life.[11]
Co-Dependents Anonymous recommends setting limits on what members will do to and for people and on what members will allow people to do to and for them, as part of their efforts to establish autonomy from being controlled by other people's thoughts, feelings and problems.[13]
The National Alliance on Mental Illness tells its members that establishing and maintaining values and boundaries will improve the sense of security, stability, predictability and order, in a family even when some members of the family resist. NAMI contends that boundaries encourage a more relaxed, nonjudgmental atmosphere and that the presence of boundaries need not conflict with the need for maintaining an understanding atmosphere.[14] ” (Source).

“Risks of re-establishing (Boundaries)

(Dr. B. says, "Okay, so let's say you and this other person have been really close for 6 months now. But then, all the sudden, this person is not returning your phone calls. Whereas you used to talk to each other at least one time per day. How would you feel? How would anyone feel? (Answer: Perhaps the other person is "re-establishing boundaries" but didn't bother to tell you about it...). It is important to note that re-establishing boundaries can cause friction. At the same time, some people re-establish boundaries for their own wellbeing. And we cannot argue with that. However, perhaps we could at least hope they would be so kind as to give a warning before hand.")

Feelings about Boundaries re-Appearing: Music: McCartney, No Longer Needs You

In Families and How to Survive Them, Robin Skynner MD explains methods for how family therapists can effectively help family members to develop clearer values and boundaries by when treating them, drawing lines, and treating different generations in different compartments[15] – something especially pertinent in families where unhealthy enmeshment overrides normal personal values.[16] However, the establishment of personal values and boundaries in such instances may produce a negative fall-out,[16] if the pathological state of enmeshment had been a central attraction or element of the relationship.[17] This is especially true if the establishment of healthy boundaries results in unilateral limit setting which did not occur previously. It is important to distinguish between unilateral limits and collaborative solutions in these settings.[2] ” (Source).

Dr. B. says, "In other words, if we wish to change our boundaries, it is quite possibly more productive and even more kind and considerate in many cases, if we do this in collaboration with the other person."

Clarity around Boundaries:

Clarity around Boundaries is important. Sometimes we break boundaries on purpose. Other times, we just notice that they are there -- just in time before we break them -- whether we were told so or not.

Boundaries are not always about excluding people... They often keep people together. Such as the Boundaries in a Prison.

Boundaries help us know where we can go and where we must not go. But, each person has her or his own boundaries.

Sometimes, one needs to set boundaries around what is going on between themselves and their partner. Other times, everything is A-okay... without setting boundaries.

Respecting Boundaries:

Boundaries are really important. However, Boundaries can be meaningless if we do not respect the Boundaries of others; and if we do not also expect other adults to respect our Boundaries.

“Respect is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. ... Respect means that you recognize that your partner is a whole person, and not just a way to get something that you want. It means that you know your partner has different experiences and opinions from you, and that's ok.

1. Demonstrate trust.

2. Be mindful of how you communicate.

3. Be reliable and accountable.

4. Encourage time apart.

5. Appreciate your differences.

6. Get to know yourself.

“Showing respect may sound complicated, but it’s really not.
It all comes down to listening to your partner, and being kind to them. If your partner wants to know where you are all the time, frequently accuses you of lying or cheating, puts you down, calls you names, or is in any way physically aggressive, you may be in an abusive relationship. Abusive relationships are based on power and control, rather than respect.” (Source).

So, we really need to be respectful of our partners. And a big part of that is Respecting her or his Boundaries. It starts with Learning about your own Boundaries. Then learning about your partner's Boundaries... Learning how to Listen and and learning how to Care - and learning how to be Respectful -- no matter what's going. And if there is a big difference, then it can be about learning how to negotiate and learning how to compromise.

-- Remember: The faster and better one Respects a Partner's Boundaries -- almost no matter what they are -- the better the likelihood that one will be happier in the Relationship as it progresses.

What Types of Boundaries are there:

Legal Boundaries -- The Bill of Rights and Constitution in the U.S.A. defined our Legal Boundaries as Americans. Our Laws and Codes.

Boundaries in Sports -- Out of Bounds or In Bounds.

Moral Boundaries -- Our Moral Boundaries are summarized by Rules of Various Institutions and/or Dogma, such as the Honor Code at a University, as well as lists such as the 10 Commandments.

Instrumental Boundaries – A Code of Conduct at Work. Or the U.S. Marines who state: "Our Core Values are Honor, Courage and Commitment, and if you are to become one of us, they will be the values you live by and fight with as well." Many believe that without these Core Values, the Marine Corps would not be as powerful as they are.

Communal Boundaries – The "12 Steps" and the "12 Traditions" of AA, NA, CoDa, OA, ACOA or other 12-Step based Groups. Land Covenants are examples of Communal Boundaries -- such as what color to paint your fences.

National Boundaries – Obvious…. The Borders between different countries.

Personal Boundaries– We are free to set these ourselves. (Includes: Boundaries for Bio Family vs. Legal Family; Immediate Family vs. Extended Family; Biological Kin vs. Psychological Kin; Family vs. Friends; Boundaries for Friends vs. Acquaintances; Boundaries for Friends vs. Co-Workers; Boundaries for Known persons, versus Strangers.)

Cultural Boundaries -- often based on Cultural Traditions. In-Culture vs. Out-Culture.

Racial Boundaries -- Some have been unjust at times such as Apartheid and Segregation. Whereas, others have been inclusive Racial Boundaries, meaning if you are one of us, then you can come in. Some Racial Boundaries are Formalized and some are not.

Boundaries around Communications -- How to communicate and whether to communicate are common places for boundaries... for example, on an Emergency Dispatch Radio -- certain codes are used to indicate certain things. Truckers and CB. Ham Radio Operators have their own Codes. Also, the Military uses different codes for different commands -- different expectations and styles and codes of conduct for communication transmission. For example, during WWII, the German Central Command broadcasted the word "Dusseldorf" in order to tell their Commanders in the field that it was time to Invade Russia.

Boundaries around Reactions to things when Angry or Insecure -- we are not supposed to show too much emotion in many cases. In other cases you can be yourself. And still in some cases, if you do not cry, people will look at you weird. Also, Big boys don't cry.

Boundaries around the acceptable extent of BOTH Good and Bad extremes. It's one thing to be Bad, but don't be too bad. Or like, "I may be a fool, but I ain't stupid.... I realize I'm younger than you, but I wasn't born yesterday." Or the differences between a peaceful protest and a riot.

Coming from differences in Philosophy -- Different philosophies have different ideas about Boundaries -- Structuralism is largely about how something looks or how it is shaped; whereas Functionalism is largely about how well something Functions. These takes on philosophy can effect a lot of things between people and between groups. There is such a thing as Philosophical Differences.

Boundaries about How to deal with Conflict (Inclusive Humanism (do we view it as us Humans all together and humans with differences together -- kind of like the way that Dr. King did); versus Forceful Invasion (us against them)) or exclusion or segregation based on beliefs of differences within a Win or Lose Paradigm.

Boundaries about how to Celebrate -- Some folks don't drink, but they do smoke weed. Whereas some folks, don't ever use any mind-altering substances. Finally, the daily drinker probably does not view drinking as a form of celebration any more due to his or her dependence on Alcohol. More so he or she might now view drinking as a way to keep from shaking and a way to feel better. Whereas for others, drinking is a party.

Boundaries around sex. Some folks go one way; others go both ways.

Boundaries around the house/home. Who cleans up, who is allowed to make decisions about what color to paint the dining room? What time is each person's bedtime? Who decides? What about the temperature preferences? And who's paying the rent anyway?

Boundaries around work. These days, work is supposed to be safe. It was not always that way. Boundaries around whether to clock in on a clock, or to keep your own time... or even just accept a salary. And there's contract work with a piece of paper setting the boundaries.

Boundaries around predicting the future. Is it possible? What about magic? What about telepathy. Some people still view Edgar Cayce's work on Extrasensory Perception (ESP), Telepathy, Mind-Reading as the "occult"; other's view it as good science. Still others view it as the work of the Devil.

Boundaries around what is love. What does Love mean to you? What does it mean to your partner? Sometimes, one might think they are showing Love to a partner, who perceives it as something other than Love. And then there's Tough Love and Unconditional Love.

Boundaries around roles. What is a Husband's role; versus a Wife's role. Do both Husband and Wife have the same privileges -- the same boundaries -- or the same amount of power?

Boundaries about each person trusting the other person to set their own boundaries. Do both parties agree to this? Who sets your Boundaries for you?

Boundaries around being more involved in the Community; versus being less involved in the Community.

Boundaries around whether or not we are in a committed relationship. Are we? A lot of times, people make the wrong assumptions about this. Further, some couples eventually find that each person has a different idea of what is "being in a committed relationship". For example, some people believe that once a committed relationship starts, the other person should not have friends outside of the relationship -- much less friends who are of the opposite sex -- or even friends that used to be lovers.... What do you think? People tend to have boundaries around this stuff.

What about Boundaries for Ex's -- some Ex's wanna be friends. Other's don't.

Boundaries around sticking to our agreements -- What is it if one person feels one way about an agreement that was made; where as another person feels different about it.

“Complicating factors

Mental illness: People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with obsessive compulsive disorder, paranoid personality disorder,[18] borderline personality disorder,[19] and narcissistic personality disorder,[20] attention deficit disorder,[21] and the manic state of bipolar disorder[21] (Source).

Dr. B. says, "This description (above) does not always apply to everyone with such Disorders."

Borderline personality disorder (BPD): There is a tendency for loved ones of people with BPD to slip into caretaker roles, giving priority and focus to problems in the life of the person with BPD rather than to issues in their own lives. Too often in these relationships, the codependent will gain a sense of worth by being "the sane one" or "the responsible one".[22]
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): For those involved with a person with NPD, values and boundaries are often challenged as narcissists have a poor sense of self and often do not recognize that others are fully separate and not extensions of themselves. Those who meet their needs and those who provide gratification may be treated as if they are part of the narcissist and expected to live up to their expectations.[24]” (Source).
“Codependency:

Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[25]

While a healthy relationship depends on the emotional space provided by personal boundaries,[26] codependent personalities have difficulties in setting such limits, so that defining and protecting boundaries efficiently may be for them a vital part of regaining mental health.[16]

Dr. B says, "A person with Codependency might need to let go in order to feel okay -- in order regain their own Mental Health ... yet... such persons might also have a very difficult time letting go."

In a codependent relationship, the codependent's sense of purpose is based on making extreme sacrifices to satisfy their partner's needs. Codependent relationships signify a degree of unhealthy clinginess, where one person doesn't have self-sufficiency or autonomy. One or both parties depend on the other for fulfilment.[27] There is usually an unconscious reason for continuing to put another person's life first, often for the mistaken notion that self-worth comes from other people. ” (Source).
“Dysfunctional family:

Demanding parent: In the dysfunctional family the child learns to become attuned to the parent's needs and feelings instead of the other way around.[28]
Demanding child: Parenting is a role that requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice and giving a child's needs a high priority. A parent can, nevertheless, be codependent towards a child if the caretaking or parental sacrifice reaches unhealthy or destructive levels.[29]” (Source)."

“Communal influences: Freud described the loss of conscious boundaries that may occur when an individual is in a unified, fast-moving crowd.[30]

(Dr. B. says: In other words, some people lose track of who they are individually and/or their own sense of Boundries, when they are focusing intensely on being in a Group. It might be possible that this is one reason that some people are willing to undergo hazing rituals -- even dangerous ones.)

Almost a century later, Steven Pinker took up the theme of the loss of personal boundaries in a communal experience, noting that such occurrences could be triggered by intense shared ordeals like hunger, fear or pain, and that such methods were traditionally used to create liminal conditions in initiation rites.[31] Jung had described this as the absorption of identity into the collective unconscious.[32]
Rave culture has also been said to involve a dissolution of personal boundaries, and a merger into a binding sense of communality.[33]” (Source).

“Unequal power relations: Also unequal relations of political and social power influence the possibilities for marking cultural boundaries and more generally the quality of life of individuals.[34] Unequal power in personal relationships, including abusive relationships, can make it difficult for individuals to mark boundaries” (Source).
“Anger: Anger is a normal emotion that involves a strong uncomfortable and emotional response to a perceived provocation. Often, it indicates when one's personal boundaries are violated. Anger may be utilized effectively by setting boundaries or escaping from dangerous situations.[35]” (Source).

Discussion Questions:

What does it mean when someone loves you? Is your meaning the same as your partner's? Do they have to be?

Boundaries around caring.. who's caring for whom? Who is to take care of whom? Who is most dependent on the other? Who is most dependent on her or his own self?

What are some boundaries you feel you could have (or should have) set before in the relationship where you got your DV charge?
List some Boundaries that you would like to have now in a Relationship?
Am I worthy enough to set my own boundaries when I feel a need or a desire to do so?
Am I wise enough to know which boundaries to set?
Am I skilled enough to know how to appropriately set the boundaries that I need or want?
Am I strong enough to live with the boundaries that I have set?
Am I flexible enough to change boundaries when it is appropriate?
How do we react when someone else sets Boundaries that impact us?
Am I a good enough of a Communicator to be able to Negotiate and Compromise with the other person, and to set boundaries Collaboratively when it's appropriate?

*** Please Remember.... Boundaries in Relationships are a Mutual kind of thing. And while one might not agree with, or like a Boundary that their Partner has set; One should probably try one's best to accept that Boundary until further notice.... regardless of what that Boundary is.

*** Please Click HERE to Complete Your Healthy Boundaries Worksheet ***

Music: McCartney, For No One

Probably better just to feel your way through Heartbreaking Boundaries, than to risk a DV Charge by going Redneck Crazy...

Sources:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personal_boundaries
https://www.teenhealthcare.org/blog/6-ways-to-show-respect-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Respect%20is%20the%20cornerstone%20of%20any%20healthy%20relationship.&text=Respect%20means%20that%20you%20recognize,from%20you%2C%20and%20that's%20ok

(c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

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