Dr. B's Holiday Hours

 The Holidays are coming!!!  The Holidays are coming!!! 

  There will be some temporary schedule changes due to the Holidays.  And there are many other available Groups for Men and for Women over the next 2 weeks; hence there is no excuse for missing DV Groups over the next 2 weeks.  

  Please note that throughout the next two weeks, all DV Groups will go on as regularly scheduled unless they are listed as having temporary changes below.

  

Please See Schedules Below: 

   FRIDAY, December 24th (Christmas Eve):  

                  There will be a Men's DV Group at 9 a.m. 

                  There will be a Women's DV Group at 11 a.m. that morning.  

                There will be no other DV Groups on Friday the 24th due to it being Christmas Eve.   No Sessions will happen on Friday, December 24th AFTER 12-noon because it is Christmas eve.  All other DV Groups on all other days and evenings will go on as always.  Please click here to view the regular schedule.

 

   SATURDAY, December 25th (Christmas Day):

                  There will be a Men's DV Group at 11 a.m. 

   FRIDAY, December 31st (New Years Eve):  All Groups will go on as regularly scheduled:

There will be a Women's Virtual Friday Morning DV Group (Conference Call only).  [Fridays from 11 to 12:30 p.m.]

There will be a Men's Trinidad Friday Evening DV Group (Conference Call only).  [Fridays from 4 to 5:30 p.m.]

There will be a Men's Trinidad Friday Evening DV Group {Level A & Diversion Only} (In-Person Clients only). [Fridays from 6 to 7:30 p.m.]

   SATURDAY, January 1st, 2022 (New Years Day 2022):  

                  There will be a Men's DV Group at 11 a.m. 

*** Please go to this LINK in order to view the Schedule to see other available Groups that one might attend.

Click Here for the DV Group Session SCHEDULE, for ABSENCE ATTESTATIONS, for TREATMENT PLANNING INFO, and for SESSION FEEDBACK FORMS

*** IMPORTANT *** Please NOTE: In order to be on track toward Successfully Completing DV Treatment, one must complete certain Worksheets and Forms on a Weekly Basis.

  Schedule of Virtual DV Sessions: If you are a DV Client and you do not have INDIVIDUAL pre-Scheduled weekly Session with Dr. B. or with Lucy, you should attend one of these sessions EVERY WEEK.  For a Schedule of Dr. B's DV Sessions 

*** CLICK HERE! for Dr. B's NEW Schedule of Group Sessions! ***

***QXR & CONSENT FORM for Attending In-Person DV Sessions.  CLICK HERE NOW!!!***

  Absence Attestations: If you have recently not had a session for a given week, you will need to complete an Absence Attestation.  In order to Complete your Absence Attestation, please CLICK HERE! 

  Treatment Planning: If you have not completed a Treatment Plan or a Treatment Planning Review over the last 10 weeks, you should do so as soon as possible.  CLICK HERE to complete a New or Revised Treatment Plan.

  Session Feedback Forms: If you have had any session of any kind (Group or Individual) with Dr. B. or with Lucy, you should complete one of these Feedback Forms for EVERY WEEK you have attended.  Ideally, you should do these each week -- right after you complete the Topic Worksheet for that Session.  CLICK HERE to complete your Session Feedback Form(s).

(c. 2020, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic                                                                                        and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

U.S. Surgeon General's Warning about a Looming Youth Mental Health Crisis due to the Pandemic

 Please click here to read the Surgeon General's Warning.

Personality Traits and Prevention of DV

How do Personality or Personality Traits Impact Our Relationships?

  Please consider that some study results "demonstrate(d) that personality traits shape the overall quality of one's relationship, which in turn influences the likelihood of relationship dissolution" (Source).   In other words, a Personality can make-or-break a relationship.

  And dissolution could also perhaps increase the possibility of Domestic Violence.  Because some of the most possibly violent times in a relationship are the months just before and the months just after a relationship Breaks-Up.  Then of course, perhaps our Personality Traits could influence DV-type Thinking, DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Behaviors.

  Also, according to NIH, "Among the Big Five personality traits, emotional stability is often associated with positive relationship expectations. Whereas, low levels of emotional stability (a.k.a. high neuroticism) increases relationship instability and the likelihood of breakups (Roberts et al., 2007; Solomon and Jackson, 2014).Sep 29, 2017). 

Personality Traits might include the following: agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness, and emotional stability, flexibility, optimism, positivity, negativity, and pessimism,  sense of humor, empathy, assertiveness, curiosity, confidence, open-mindedness, self-awareness, and others.

Close Relationships and Personality Traits:

  “Understanding personality effects and their role in influencing relationship quality, varied according to gender and relationship duration, could help us better understand close relationships. Participants were Chinese dating dyads (couples) and were asked to complete both the Big Five Inventory and Perceived Relationship Quality Component scales. Males and those who had a long-term relationship perceived better relationship quality; individuals who scored higher on agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness, and emotional stability enjoyed better relationship quality; gender and/or relationship duration moderated the actor effect of extraversion and the partner effects of conscientiousness, emotional stability, and openness on relationship quality. Regarding the profile similarity, those couples who were more dissimilar in their profile personality had better relationship quality, especially when they were in a relatively long-term relationship. Meanwhile, with an increase in profile similarity, the males' perceived relationship quality decreased.”

  People are born into a complex network of social relations, of which the intimate relationship is one of the most important. In this kind of relationship, individuals interact with each other directly and deeply to pursue and construct a happy life.  A good long-term romantic relationship, in turn, can make an individual happier and lead to longer life expectancy (Claxton et al., 2012).

  In explorations of the factors affecting romantic relationship quality at the individual level, the role of personality has been widely confirmed.  Personality is a stable and fundamental psychological construct (Donnellan et al., 2005).  It (personality) better predicts the degree of relationship quality compared to other factors related to romantic relationships—such as attitudes, values, and beliefs (Luo and Klohnen, 2005). Therefore, understanding how personality influences the relationship quality can help scholars better understand the mechanisms of romantic relationship variation.” (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5626872/).

 Dr. B. Says, It's not always about our Personalities not Matching, or about our Values, or our Beliefs.  It's probably more about how our Personality allows us to convey our values and beliefs through our own Personality features.  And it's also about how our personality impacts the way we perceive the Values and Beliefs of others.

Personality Traits that may be helpful for Healthy Relationships include -- 

Which ones..... I gotta know!?!?!?

"There really is no one way to be or act in a relationship. We're all so different, and we all bring unique aspects of ourselves to the table, so if you're asking yourself how to be in a relationship, know that it's truly tough to pinpoint any specific personality traits all people who have success in love have in common.

 In reality, anyone, if they want it, can have a successful relationship. But there are a few traits that can make sharing your life with someone a helluva lot easier. "Successful relationships don't just happen by chance," Chicago-area couples therapist Theresa Herring, LMFT tells Bustle. "They require people to be intentional and do things that fill the relationship's emotional bank account rather than deplete it." That's why traits like flexibility, optimism, and positivity can go a long way when it comes to finding and keeping a healthy, long-term relationship, whereas things like negativity or pessimism might just get in the way."

Dr. B. says: "The Balance of the Emotional Bank Account Gets Higher with positive experiences with each other.  And positive experiences tend to depend on each person's Personality Traits and how they express them with their words , gestures and behaviors.  They also depend on how one perceives as well.  Basically, it's important to enjoy and make good memories with your partner."

 The original article continues: 

"That doesn't, however, mean you can't be in a healthy relationship if you aren't super cheerful, or a natural "glass half full" type. "While certain personality traits can help you find and maintain love, don't worry if you don't have them," Herring says. "These traits can be learned."  They're something you can decide to work on, and slowly begin to practice in your life.  You can also develop them by going to therapy, where you might, for example, learn to think with more positivity than negativity.

 Anyone can create a healthy, loving relationship if they want to.  And anyone can pick up the personality traits that make a LTR easier.  Here are the traits that experts say come in handy when it comes to having success with love."

 

1   Flexibility

Loving, long-term relationships require a certain degree of flexibility — especially when disagreements and conflicts arise. So the more you're willing to not always get your way and compromise, the better.

"If you are more flexible in your thinking style, then you typically have an easier time seeing another point of view and accepting that [there's often not a] 'right' or 'wrong' in a situation," relationship expert Sara Sedlik, MA, LMFT tells Bustle. "Both sides can be validated and both sides can learn to find the 'win-win' in a disagreement."

"This is a trait you can decide to adopt for yourself, by simply deciding you'll let things slide, and having a more "go with the flow" attitude. But it's also a trait that can be cultivated, possibly with the help of a therapist, who might be able to help you uncover why you were feeling more rigid in the past."

 

2   A Sense Of Humor

 "If anything's going to make life easier, and help you through difficult times, it's a sense of humor. "Humor is the most sophisticated of the natural defense mechanisms," Sedlik says. "If you take yourself too seriously, you are likely to let the small things weigh on you. If you can add humor into your life, and make light of a personally challenging situation or idiosyncrasy together (you both have to be on the same side of humor here), then the emotional charge is definitely less." (Andrew Zaeh for Bustle).

Dr. B. Says, "Making something lighter with a touch of humor or humility; is not the same as laughing at someone or being sarcastic.  Obviously, the latter could be destructive.  Basically, it comes down to not taking yourself too seriously.  Remember: It's more helpful to laugh with your partner; than to laugh at your partner."

 The original article continues: 

3   Empathy

"If a relationship is going to go the distance, it'll pretty much be a requirement that both partners have a strong sense of empathy. "This is the most important, in my opinion, because without empathy, we judge," Sedlik says. "And judgment leads to disconnection."  And disconnection leads to breakups."

Dr. B. says: "Empathy and Sympathy are NOT the same." 

The article continues:  "At the root of all relationships is the need to feel safe and vulnerable and truly seen for who we are without judgment," she says. "When we have empathy, we can reserve judgment and listen, validate, and have emotional connection."  (Andrew Zaeh for Bustle)."

 

4   Assertiveness

Assertiveness is another big one. "People in healthy relationships are able to state their needs and ask for them to be met," Herrings says. "They also, in turn, respond to their partner's requests," which is why this trait can help foster healthy, long-term relationships.

It can, however, be a tricky trait to learn — especially if you're shy or anxious. But again, it's something everyone can pick up, with time.   (Andrew Zaeh for Bustle)."

Dr. B. says, "A Key ingredient to Assertiveness is being Respectful.  Assertiveness requires Respect.  Whereas Aggressiveness or Aggression is different from Assertiveness.  When we are Aggressive, we are typically being Disrespectful.  And Disrespect kills relationships.  Think about it: Would you want to be with someone who disrespected you?"

 

5   Curiosity

"Curiosity is one trait that should be brought to a relationship in the beginning, and maintained from there on out. "Curiosity is crucial to maintaining healthy relationships because the ability to remain curious heads off relationship-damaging assumptions," therapist Alice Roberts, CSW tells Bustle. "When something goes wrong, a curious person holds their judgement until they understand more about the situation."

But a curious person might also find that their relationship stays fun and fresh, too — which goes a long way when it comes to staying together. "Curiosity ... helps couples avoid stagnation, as the curious couple is always going to be up for seeking out new adventures together," Roberts says.  (Alice Roberts, CSW).

Dr. B says: "If we remain curious -- especially in difficult times -- then we can hold off on judging our partner; and possibly head off the negative impact." 

 

6   Confidence

"People who are confident know what they want out of life, and they know how to get it, which is why "confidence plays a huge role in both attracting a partner and maintaining a secure long-term relationship," Roberts says.

"It's also a trait that makes it more likely you'll stand up for yourself in a relationship. As Roberts says, "Confident individuals are less prone to losing themselves in a relationship, allowing them to enjoy their partner as their equal." "Like assertiveness, confidence might seem like a trait that's impossible to attain. But it's one that can be worked on, and developed over time, with the help of friends, family — and possibly even a therapist."  (Andrew Zaeh for Bustle).

Dr. B. says, "Losing one's self in a relationship can be known as Codependency.  And this is sometimes a negative trait."

 

7   Positivity

"Again, you don't have to be a ray of sunshine in order to find love. But a sense of positivity certainly doesn't hurt. "When we’re around happy, upbeat individuals, it makes us happier too," Kat Haselkorn, a matchmaker with Three Day Rule in Washington, DC, tells Bustle. "Positivity makes you more fun to be around and can attract potential partners to you like a moth to a flame. If you’re a glass half empty person, it’s not the end of the world. Try to keep some of the negativity to yourself and find the positive spin on things. Then verbalize that."

 Positivity can also make relationship woes feel less earth-shattering. If you're going through a rocky period, for example, a sense of positivity can see you and your partner through to the other side.  (Hannah Burton/Bustle).

 

8   Open-Mindedness

 "If you're on a mission to find "the One," keeping an open mind certainly can help. "One reason for this is — love doesn't always come in the package we expect," Haselkorn says. "It's funny how many people have this checklist of characteristics they think they need to fall in love with someone, when really, that kind of rigid thinking can be isolating and lead to few opportunities for a relationship." That's why, people who allow themselves to "date outside the box," so to speak, may have more success in love.   (Andrew Zaeh for Bustle).

Dr. B. Says, "At the same time while you are trying not to be too picky, you want to be somewhat choosy and careful, and above all, take your time."

 

9   Self-Awareness

 Dr. B. says: "Being aware of ourselves helps us prevent bad things, and helps us say things that we need to say.  It also helps us know what we need.  It also helps us know what we don't want or don't need.  And it also helps us be more confident of ourselves; which then helps us be more pleasant and appealing to others.  

  It's important to identify, process, and accept  your own pain in life.  A cure is also a really wonderful thing.  At the same time, one should be careful to NOT be Ruminating to much -- or obsessing too much about the negative things in their life.  In other words if your World seems filled with negativity, it is good to avoid expressing negative emotions all the time.  Each expression (whether it's good or bad) has it's most appropriate and most effective time, place and situation to be shared.  

--------------------------------------------------------------------

And Surely There are Other Traits that could be Helpful to Having Good and Healthy Long Term Relationships.... RIGHT ???

In what ways might these Positive Personality Traits help prevent Domestic Violence?

•   More positivity -- can help ward off negative thinking and regretful behaviors.  
•   Staying Curious keeps us from being too judgmental.  Be sure that you truly KNOW what you think you know.  Judging the other person critically or too intensely or too often can lead to Domestic Violence or a breakup, to say the least. 
•   Empathy, or being more aware of others' feelings also helps us develop more understanding and perhaps even more patience; which also helps reduce DV.
•   Being assertive instead of being aggressive means we are more respectful and less disrespectful.  Which also means we are more communicative and less threatening.  And finally, it means we are probably more likely to get what we want and need.  
•   Being less insecure, and less jealous helps our relationships.  Being more secure helps us prevent jealousy as well.  Being secure in yourself is important.
•   Also being less rigid... or less one-minded can help.  Being more open-minded helps us to be able to truly consider things the other person is saying to us.  It also helps us be more patient.  And again, patience helps us prevent violence.
•   Being more flexible helps bring even very serious conflicts to a peaceful ending.  Look for win-win solutions. 
•   Being more able to compromise can be a key to happiness and longevity in healthy relationships.
•   Being fun to be with promotes confidence and is almost always a plus to help smooth things out and prevent crises.  Being fun to be with helps generate really good memories also.  And good memories are important.
• So above all, learn to laugh at yourself.

Think about it:  Could it be possible if BOTH me and my partner have healthier personality traits; then couldn't we have a better Relationship...  A more satisfying relationship.  And of course, a Relationship Free of Violence?

What might be your Positive Personality Profile???

*** Please CLICK HERE to 

Complete Your Positive Personality Profile Worksheet.***

(Originally Published 11/30/2020)

Sources: 

(From the Article: "9 Interesting Personality Traits All People Who Have Success With Love Have In Common"   (By:  BDG Media, Inc. By Carolyn Steber, May 3, 2018).  (Source).

REMINDER: During these COVID-19 Times, Every One of Us Should Be Careful and Considerate of Others, Right?

IMPORTANT!  Please Read this:

  This means that if we are attending -- or planning to attend -- any of Dr. B's DV Sessions In-Person we need to follow the guidelines as explained in the "COVID-19 In-Person Treatment Rules, Screener, & Hold Harmless Agreement".  

  And please remember that you should NOT attend DV Sessions In-Person if you are experiencing any kind or symptoms or sickness from any illness. If you are feeling ill, or if you have been around someone who is ill, please DO NOT attend in-person. Rather, if you feel well enough, please attend via Conference Call for now.  

  REMEMBER: If you have been experiencing Fever, Cough or Breathing Difficulty within the past 12 days, DO NOT ATTEND IN-Person Groups.  

  And also, DO NOT ATTEND In-Person if you have been in close physical contact in the last 14 days with Anyone who is known to have laboratory-confirmed COVID-19.  

  Finally, DO NOT ATTEND IN-Person If you have been in close physical contact in the last 14 days with Anyone who has any symptoms consistent with COVID-19 

  If you are not sick, you will still need to attend weekly sessions.  Hence, if you cannot attend in-person, you will be accommodated either On-Line or Over the Telephone.  Check the Schedule of Sessions Here.

  At In-Person Sessions, you may wear a mask if you wish; and please always be sure to keep 6-feet away from others.

  Whether you are healthy as an Ox; or sick as a dog; Please CLICK HERE to Complete the In-Person Group and Individual Treatment Consent form (even if you have already completed one of these).  Please do this before your next Session.  Demonstrating an understanding of this information is required in order to attend Dr. B's DV In-Person Sessions.

  Have a Safe and Happy Day!

  Thank you.

  wb

Making Positive Changes In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence in the Future

  Regardless of how we each feel about our particular Domestic Violence Offense; the facts are that we each have been ordered by a Court to successfully complete DV Treatment. We are each unique as Human Beings.  And we each come to this Domestic Violence Treatment Program out of different backgrounds, different types of Relationships, and with different thoughts and feelings about the process itself.  

  Certainly, we all come from diverse backgrounds, and our reasons for being in this session today are different as well.  And Diversity most certainly seems to be extremely important to the survival of the Human Species.  

  Still in all there are common threads that pull us together.  As it was affirmed by President John Fitzgerald Kennedy, who during a Commencement Address at the American University in Washington, DC on June 10, 1963 -- just months before his assassination – said to the hopeful Graduates and Faculty:  

 “So, let us not be blind to our differences--but let us also direct attention to our common interests and to the means by which those differences can be resolved. And if we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity.  For, in the final analysis, our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this small planet.  We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal” (Source).

The Purpose(s) of Domestic Violence Treatment:

  The primary purpose of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is to help prevent the harms done by Domestic Violence to everyone who is directly or indirectly involved in Domestic Violence behavior -- either as a victim, a perpetrator, or as a witness.  

  The secondary purpose of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is to help Domestic Violence Offenders to NEVER AGAIN commit Domestic Violence through helping them eliminate, or substantially reduce their Risk Factors and by showing them how to make positive changes to their Perceptions, Thinking, Feeling and Behavior that relates to Domestic Violence.     

  Another important part of Domestic Violence Offender Treatment is helping Domestic Violence Offenders to have Healthier Relationships with more positive outcomes.  

  And finally, yet another crucial part of this Treatment is to help Domestic Violence Offenders to develop more positive images of themselves through Support, Treatment and Education. 

  A byproduct of this treatment is to help DV Offenders to never again be accused of, arrested for, or charged with a Domestic Violence - related Offense. 

Admitting To The Problem Is Often The First Step

  By definition the word, PROBLEM, can be defined as: “a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome” (Source).

  And just as with Alcoholism, Substance Dependency or other behavioral problems and diseases, in order to begin learning how to prevent this problem; we first must first admit that we have a problem.  

  If no one was harmed by what we were accused of doing in terms of Domestic Violence, and if we did not at all mind getting arrested, the handcuffs, sitting in jail, the jail food, those filthy showers, Jailhouse B.S., Court, all the costs associated, the Lawyer, the forms, getting printed, the fees we have to pay, the hopelessness and the fear, the shame and the guilt, the drug tests, probation or diversion officer meetings and eventually coming to see Dr. B.; then perhaps we do not really have "a Problem".  

  Of course, one would also have to consider whether or not one's DV-related Offense caused anyone else any sort of harm before being able to truly determine whether or not we have a problem.  

  If no harm or inconvenience to anyone involved can be identified -- I think it is safe to say that there is not necessarily an identified Problem here.  But still, given the Court Order, we need to work on it so that it can never happen again.

Realistic Change:

  It is important that we do not have Expectations that are either too High or too Low.  Positive Change can take a short time; or a very long time.  It's a step-by-step process -- or sometimes, it just kind of materializes.  However, once a person puts his or her foot down and says, "I need to make a change and I am ready to make this change -- Today!"; it is likely that their change is already happening.  And still -- more than likely -- there is a long way yet to go.

Making Changes for the Better: 

  The first part of making changes is knowing that a change needs to be made.  If a DV Offender truly believes that he or she has no changes that need to be made in their life, then a reasonable person might start to get curious as to why they feel that way.  How could a person get a DV-related charge and believe that all is well and there is no need for change?  In such cases, it might be that this person is what we could call "STUCK". 

  Or perhaps she or he feels like a Victim of the offense still and is not ready to become Accountable for the things he or she did; and then hopefully move toward making the changes needed to become a Survivor.  

  Becoming a Survivor requires being honest and accountable about one's self after taking a really good look at one's thinking, feeling and behaviors and how this DV Offense either involved or impacted one's self and others.

  A good look into one's life requires that one be assessed in terms of the following:

• One's Biological Issues / Physical Issues / Health Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Certain Disabilities that might contribute to the over-dependency on the other person; or increase the possibility of DV-related Behavior; or Chronic Illnesses that impact their lives, or even Brain Injuries that change they way we think and act);

• One's Psychological / Emotional / Perceptual or Thinking Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Paranoia, Learning Disabilities / Perceptual Disabilities (Hallucinations), PTSD, High Stress, Delusions, High Anxiety, Low Self-Esteem, Poor Anger Management skills, Major Depression, Bipolar Disorder (Mania or Extreme Depression), History of being abused or neglected as a child etc..);

• One's Substance Abuse or other Addiction-Related Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Spending all the money on drugs; Gets violent when they drink; or Ongoing Legal Problems, Antisocial Associates etc...);

• One's Social Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Explosive Temper; Rage, Extremely Isolative -- doesn't want partner to go out; Never Accountable, Doesn't keep commitments; Isolating partner from family; Unable to give partner space; Stalking partner; Dependent Personality; Unaware of one's own impact on others; Co-Dependency; Impatience, Too Controlling; Dishonesty);

• One's Spiritual Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Lacking a feeling of purpose in life; Extremely pessimistic / negative thinking all the time, Mis-Uses Faith to control partner, Over-estimates their own power, etc.. );

• One's Criminogenic Needs-related and Risk Factor-related Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term; (e.g.: Various issues including Previous DV or other Violence-related Charges; Lack of productivity or work; Antisocial Attitude (doesn't care who they hurt); Extremely negative influences; Habitual run-ins with Police; Theft; Uses others to get what they want, Disrespectful of the Rights of others, etc...); and/or

• One's Behavioral Issues that may have contributed to their Offense in the Long-Term or in the Short-Term: (e.g.: Acts without thinking; Very impulsive; Inattentive, Hyperactive, Intimidating, Difficulty Communicating, Unable to control behavior when upset).

  One should take a thorough inventory of these features (and/or others) in order to discover what changes need to be made so that they can prevent DV in the future.

Planning for Positive Change -- Where the Rubber Meets the ROAD!!!.

  In Planning for Positive Change, it is helpful if one considers how the issues discussed above might look when they meet one's day-to-day reality.  Think about the following questions in terms of how they might have contributed to your DV-Related Offense:

•   What are some people, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, circumstances or things in my life that contributed to me getting this DV Offense?

•   What are the people, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, circumstances or things that put me most at risk of having another DV-Type offense?

•   What are some changes I could make that could help prevent DV Offenses in the future?

•   What could my life look like if I made all of the right changes?  Different in a good way, Right?

Problem Solving -- Some possible Stages to Solving Our Problems could be:

1. Admit there is a Problem -- Take Accountability for what already happened.
2. Critically Assess the Problem -- Take Accountability for how it happened.
3. Try to determine Risk Factors and/or Causes related to the Problem -- Take Accountability for negative influences that you keep your life.
4. Brainstorm or Propose Options that could make the Problem much better -- Take Accountability for moving forward.
5. Inventory the available and/or needed Resources for solving the Problem.
6. Make a Plan of Attack for Solving the Problem.  Outline the steps to success.
7. Carry it out / Solve the Problem.
8. Assess the Progress Made.  Don't be afraid to be brutally honest with yourself about things that need to change.  
9. Re-Address the Problem over time as Needed.
10. Set up ways to Prevent the Problem from ever occurring again. -- Take Accountability for never letting it happen again.  Prevention.

In Closing: 

  Do not let yourself be frightened by the Morphing Process -- or Change itself.  Because, if there is one thing that is always happening in our lives, it is Change.  If you have Anxiety or Fear about making positive changes that could help prevent Domestic Violence; then try to relax and just know that the overall Goal here is for us to improve the quality of our Lives and our Relationships; and to decrease the likelihood of ever again having DV-type Feelings, DV-Type Thinking, or DV-Type Behaviors; much less a DV-related Charge.  This really can't be that bad; can it?

  Normally, we only do one Worksheet and one Session Feedback Form per session.  However, this week, we need to do a little more.  Please complete each of the three Worksheets below and the Session Feedback Form.  Thank you.

*** Please Click Here to Complete The What is My Problem Worksheet. ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete Your PERSONAL CHANGE PLAN Worksheet. ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete Your Treatment Planning Worksheet. ***

*** Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form. ***

(Originally published, Jan. 18, 2021).

Music that helps convey the message of this Presentation could be:

Ch Cha Cha Changes!!! (David Bowie)

Amy (Pure Prairie League)

Chain Gang (The Pretenders)

Don't let me Down (Beatles)

Sources: 

https://www.jfklibrary.org/archives/other-resources/john-f-kennedy-speeches/american-university-19630610

https://www.google.com/search?q=define+problem+definition&rlz=1C1GGRV_enUS751US751&oq=define+problem&aqs=chrome.3.69i57j0l3j0i395l4.7280j1j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8

(c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

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  Then when the page opens up, you will see the Paypal / Debit / Credit Buttons on the Right-Hand Side of your screen.  

  Then just expand your screen, press the correct button and go from there.    

  Remember, if you make a payment, it has not gone through until you get a message on your screen telling you that your payment went through.

  After making a Payment, always be sure to text Dr. B so that he can confirm that you payment went through.

Screen YourSelf for PTSD

 Just Click Here and follow the prompts.

The Group Schedule is Changing Now due to the Addition of some In-Person DV Groups.

 Be mindful of the Group Schedule Changes.  

>>> Please CLICK HERE (BELOW) to check out the New Schedules of Groups (Virtual and In-Person).

Dr. B's New Group Schedule

-- And Don't forget to CLICK HERE for the In-Person Group Treatment Consent Form!

Dr. Beverly is RE-Starting IN-Person DV Groups Next Week!

Beginning Monday, August 9th, 2021  

(Please note: In order to attend any In-Person Sessions at this point in time, you will need to digitally fill out and sign the form via the Link below this schedule.)

PLEASE NOTE -- Text Dr. B at least 24 hours ahead if you plan to attend an IN-Person Session instead of a Virtual Session.  Sometimes Space for IN-Person Sessions could be limited.

*** Please CLICK HERE for Dr. B's NEW GROUP Schedule. ***

Please Note: 

  If you attend any of the In-Person Groups (such as those listed Above); or any other appointment(s) in-person with Dr. Beverly, you will be required to complete a form that reads very much like the form that is LINKed below.  If you are not willing to do that, you should not attend In-Person Treatment Sessions with Dr. Beverly for now.  If this is the case, please make other arrangements with Dr. Beverly.  Feel free to Text Dr. B. if you have any questions.

  *** Please click on this Link Here in order to Review

and Complete the NEW Group Consent Form. ***

 We all know what we need to do:  

(We need to pay our IOU's ASAP!  There is no need to ask Dr. B for your Balance.  You can track this yourself (see below).  And believe me, Dr. B will let you know if you are not paid in full).

All you do is follow these simple steps: 

1. Multiply the number of Sessions that you have attended by $25 each.

2. Then Subtract the amount of any paid Vouchers (Your P.O. or Dr. B. can help you with that info). 

3. After that, Subtract any payments we have already made.

4. Then, you can Pay the Remaining Balance using the PayPal Button to the Right of this Page.  Just Click on the Picture Above; Or, simply Go to THIS PAYPAL LINK to pay right now!

5. If you cannot pay it all off at one time; please just pay the $25 every week, PLUS an extra $25 or some other amount to go toward your Balance until it is paid off.

Thank you.

wb

Helpful Info About The Power & Control Wheel & The Equality Wheel

The Power & Control Wheel: Everything You Need to Know.  The Power & Control Wheel is one of the most long-standing cornerstones of DV Offender Treatment.  Please take time to learn about this.
  Also, The Equality Wheel can been helpful in learning about WHAT TO DO; as opposed to The Power & Control Wheel which presents ideas about WHAT NOT TO DO.
  Just like the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions for Alcoholics Anonymous and other Recovery Programs; and just like The Ten Commandments; the Power & Control and the Equality Wheels off a brief set of ideas about What To DO and What Not To Do.   Equality is not only what you should do; but if you are in a Relationship, you should either be able to expect it.  Or at least that your partner is learning about, or willing to learn about how to have a Relationship based on Equality.

Dr. William T. Beverly

 Dr. William T. Beverly is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Specializing in Prevention of Family Violence.  He has offices in Walsenburg, Trinidad, Alamosa and Monte Vista, Colorado. 

  Dr. B. graduated with honors from Virginia Commonwealth University, has taught at 3 Universities, and has more than 25 years of diverse Clinical experiences.  Dr. Beverly works with numerous other Agencies, Physicians and Practioners in Southeastern Colorado.  Please Call or Text Dr. Beverly at  (719) 671-7793 for more information and/or to schedule an appointment.

Please Read:

  Everyone who attends a DV Session This Week should Pay for that Session This Week, either through the the PayPal / Debit Buttons Below (to the right), through mailing Payment to Dr. B.; or through Voucher.

  Everyone who has an IOU as of This Week, should Pay something on that IOU Every Week until that IOU is completely PAID off.

  Everyone who Attends a DV Session This Week and wants to get CREDIT for this Session SHOULD do three things: 

1. Complete BOTH the Session Worksheet(s) and the Session Feedback Form.  Do this EVERY WEEK.  (Links for those can be found at the bottom of each Session Text.)

2. Pay for this Session This Week (one way or another); and

3. Pay on their IOU if they have one.  You may calculate your Balance by taking your number of sessions multiplying it by your Co-Pay amount, and then subtracting from that, the amount of Vouchers that you have been issued and used within their time limit.  (Ask your P.O. if you need to know about your Vouchers).

Questions:  If you have any questions regarding this, please present your  questions to Dr. B. PRIVATELY.  Please use Text or Email to do this.

Accountability for What is Perceived by Other People as Domestic Violence

  If I do something that could be viewed as the wrong thing to do -- Did I still do it?

And even if I did it in the shade where no one could see me do it -- I still did it, right?

Accountability: According to one source, Accountability can be defined as "a noun that describes accepting responsibility, and it can be personal or very public. A government has accountability for decisions and laws affecting its citizens; an individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes, though, taking accountability means admitting you made a mistake."  And at other times, one has to simply admit that they made a poor choice.

Perception (Perceived) is in the eyes of the observer.  I cannot count the number of times that a person with a DV Offense told me that he or she was accused of DV; however they said that the accuser did not know what was really going on.  Yet still, this person with a DV Offense was sitting right in front of me -- just as the Court Ordered.  

  In other words, what is perceived as DV by some people might or might not have been intended to be DV by the person who actually did it; however, it may have been perceived as such by the victim, or even by the observer.

  Surely, if one does not intend to commit DV, then one should not be doing anything that could be perceived as DV, right?

  Thus, even if one continues to feel like one was convicted or offered a plea deal based on someone else's faulty perception; the fact is that this person is now under Court Order to complete DV Treatment.

  In other words; even if one does not think they committed DV; the Court believes that they did.  So one might as well relax and make the most of this opportunity to make some positive changes in one's life.

Getting Deeper into Accountability in Terms of a Domestic Violence Offense:

  Noting the definition at the top of this page, within the Context of Domestic Violence, Accountability can be further defined as: When a person with a DV Offense takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV Offense(s).  This includes becoming responsible for his or her part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV Offense, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it, and even the actions that other people took to try and deal with DV.

  In DV-Related situations, the person with the DV Offense is called upon to be 100% Accountable for his or her actions.

  At the same time -- although the Offender must NEVER try to blame the Victim for the Offense; there are cases where it is also in the victim's interest to search her or his self for accountability for her or his own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the impact on self and others as they relate to the DV Offense.  

  In other words; even if the Victim did something that upset me; I have no Right to do what I did to them.  And that's there are Charges attached.

  Now again, it is never a Victim's fault for being attacked by an anyone else.  However, some victims of DV might be wise to try and help prevent themselves and others from becoming victims of DV through making wiser, more informed, slower, and more proactive choices about who to get involved with, which Risk-Factors to tolerate, and which ones to take seriously, when to start safety planning, when to involve third parties such as counselors or advocates, when to contact police, and when and how to exit volatile relationships safely. 

  Nonetheless, regardless of who the Victim is, or what they did or did not do; the DV Offender must be 100% Accountable for his or her choices and actions.  

  Accepting this responsibility is part of the change process as well as the healing process. 

What does Accountability Look Like in DV Treatment?

  Accountability-like Behaviors can include:

1. ·         A person apologizing for his or her DV-related actions, behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on the other person;
2. ·         A person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the fault of the Victim, the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;
3. ·         A person coming to all DV classes, paying for all DV classes, Contributing thoughts, feelings and ideas in class, and Complying with all other DV-related requirements.
4. ·         A person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his own character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that lead to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;
5. ·         A person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 
6. ·         A person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage he or she did;
7. ·         A person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future; and
8. ·         A person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Think about it: In your current situation, what does Accountability look like when one is really getting something out of DV Treatment?   

Check out this Article on ACCOUNTABILITY!

“Ways to be Accountable When You Have Been Abusive.”

by Kai Cheng Thom  

As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says, Don’t write this article.

There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that most communities have around talking not just about the fact that people experience rape and abuse, but that people we know and care about might be rapists and abusers.

Perhaps most secret and shameful of all is the fear that we, ourselves, are or have been abusive – the fear that we could be those villains, those monsters in the night.

Nobody wants to be “an abuser.” No one wants to admit that they have hurt someone, especially when so many of us have been hurt ourselves.

But the truth is that abusers and survivors of abuse do not exist, and have never existed, in a dichotomy: Sometimes, hurt people hurt people.  In this rape culture we live in, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the hurt you are experiencing and the hurt you are causing someone else.

Seven years ago, when I first started training as support worker for survivors of intimate partner violence, I was sitting in a training workshop when someone asked what our organization’s policy was on taking requests for support from people who were abusing their partners and wanted help stopping.

The answer was brusque and immediate: “We don’t work with abusers. Period.”

Fair enough, I thought. After all, an organization created to support survivors of rape and abuse should center survivors, not the people who hurt them. The only problem was, I wondered, What happens when people are both survivors and abusers? And if we don’t work with abusers, who does?

Note: I am not, in this article, talking about whether or not a relationship can be “mutually abusive.” This is a conversation for another time. Rather, I am suggesting that people who are survivors in one relationship are capable of being abusive in previous or later relationships.

Seven years later, as a therapist who has worked with many individuals who are “recovering” or “former” abusers, I am still looking for the answers to those questions. The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive.

But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart.

 

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting

the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

 

>>> 1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:

• Listening without becoming defensive.
• Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
• Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.
• Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person?

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

 

>>> 2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person.

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet.

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

 

>>> 3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain.

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

• I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.
• My partner hurts me all the time.  I was just hurting them back.
• I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.
• I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.
• I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.
• No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it.

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

 

>>> 4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.”

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

 

>>> 5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are.

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

 

>>> 6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes.

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie.

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

 

>>> 7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

 

>>> 8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor.

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

 

>>> 9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within.

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal.

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know."

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy."

(Retrieved: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/)"

  Please click on the link below to complete the attached Worksheet in order to complete this topic:  Accountability for What is Perceived as DV Worksheet

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)