A Slightly Different Look At Risk Factors That Could Help Us Prevent Domestic Violence (A Mandatory Exercise for ALL DV Clients)

   Attached is a slightly different look at Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.  

This could really help you prevent DV in the Future.

Click Here to Complete My Really Getting to know my Risk Factors Mandatory Form!!!

Understanding the Red Flags for Domestic Violence in order to Prevent Domestic Violence Before it Happens

Question: If we can learn about what are considered to be the Red Flags for Domestic Violence -- or the Early Warning Signs of DV, then how can we use this information in order to prevent ourselves from ever again committing Domestic Violence, Being Accused of DV, or getting a DV Charge?

  This is an excellent question.  Surely no one wants to again find his or her self being accused of abuse by a person who he or she really likes being with.  No one wants a DV Charge.  And  it doesn't have to be that way.  However, in order to prevent future DV-related problems, one would be wise to learn more about DV, what it looks like, how it happens, and most importantly, how to prevent it from happening again in their relationships.  

  In some cases we might actually worry that we are doomed to failure -- that we are bound to continue along this lonely path.  And the reality is that if we fail to plan on ways to prevent such tragedies from haunting our lives in the future, we will need to muster the courage to move forward and try to change things that we have a good chance of changing.  One can start this process by examining the evidence and then using a Thinking Model to help create possible Solutions.  

  One way to prevent Domestic Violence could be to learn how to stop it before it starts.  This would be prevention.  This sort of prevention could be a positive for everyone.  

  Try to Look at it this way.  Take a list of Red Flags for Potential Domestic Violence or Warning Signs of a potentially Violent Relationship and give it some serious and sincere thought.  

  Then try to set up a thinking model such as this below, and use it to help figure out how to change behaviors that might show up initially in a Relationship; such that the Red Flag or Warning Sign Behaviors are no longer present.  But in order to do that in a meaningful way we will need to put some thought into it and do the following: 

1.  Identify Red Flags and/or Warning Signs that have shown up in your past Relationships that have become abusive;
2. Identify your thoughts related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
3. Identify your feelings related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
4. Identify your behaviors related to generating or contributing to the manifestation of such Red Flags or Warning Signs;
5. And finally, we have to Plan on ways to prevent us for thinking, feeling or doing any of these types of behaviors that tend to show up as Red Flags or Warning Signs for DV in Relationships.

  And Remember this: Red Flags are not the same as Risk Factors.  Risk Factors are generally things about a person in his past or present that put him at Risk of committing Abuse or Domestic Violence.  Where as Red Flags, are simply things in the present that are Warning Signs that something might be about to happen.  

Take a look at the thinking model below:

• On the Left side of the Page, write down a Red Flag.

• Then on the Right side of the Page, write down things you could do to prevent this Red Flag from happening.

Example: 

Red Flag  

              Possible Preventive Solution

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

• RED FLAG: "Wants to move too quickly into the relationship." 

• SOLUTION: Go very slowly developing a Relationship.  Take your time.  Be patient.
• Other Solution: Avoid being the one to push the Relationship forward unless your partner indicates that she/he is definitely ready for this.  

Or

• RED FLAG: "Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family."

• SOLUTION: Be extra careful to try and include your new friend's family and friends in activities. 
• Other Solution: Always be ready and willing for your new friend to spend time with her or her family and friends.  

Text Below is in Draft Form -- i.e., is still not completely Edited:

(PLEASE Continue to the Bottom of this Page to Complete Your Worksheet)

Some Questions one might consider to help with the Thought Process:

What are my Red Flags for DV?

What are some ways of Successfully Dealing with Red Flags?

How well do I Recognize my Red Flags?

Am I typically able to Avoid the Blame Game?

What might be a food first step in Successfully Dealing with Red flags?

When facing down the perceived catastrophic impact of a Red Flag Crisis, might it be smart to back off, take a time out, stop, breathe, focus, reflect and choose wisely?

What are some of the key ingredients to dealing with my Red Flags?

Is it not probably a smart thing to ask for help while in the middle of a Red Flag crisis?

What are some ways one might be able to identify a Red Flag crisis?

What are some false signs of a Red Flag crisis?

What do I have the power to change?

What are some things that I probably ought to accept as they are?

If my partner tells me she/he is having a Red Flag crisis, then is he/she really having a Red Flag crisis?

If my partner screams at me then do I have a right to have a Red Frag crisis?

If my partner is having a bad day, develops a bad attitude, then takes it out on me; do I have a right to have a Red Flag crisis?

What are some of the best ways for me to Calm Myself Down?

 

Notes from other Authors who are representing VICTIM ADVOCACY Agencies and Others:

"Red Flags of Abuse

"Domestic violence encompasses a spectrum of behaviors that abusers use to control victims. The following list includes warning signs that someone may be abusive. If you or a friend experience these behaviors from a partner, remember: it is not your fault and there are advocates waiting to help.

“Red flags” include someone who:

         Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.

Early in the relationship flatters you constantly, and seems “too good to be true.”

Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.

Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.

Does not honor your boundaries.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.

Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.

Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.

Has a history of abusing others.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, “My ex was totally crazy.”

Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.

Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others."  (Source)

 

"Early Warning Signs: Identifying DV Red Flags 

(March 15, 2018, Survivor Spot; By Jenn Rockefeller)

"It’s not always easy to recognize the warning signs of someone’s toxic behavior. These signs, or red flags, can be difficult to detect at times. More often than not, the red flags are thickly veiled behind a carefully crafted façade of charm and wit.

 So how can you be able to better spot the red flags in the future? Below is a list of some of the earliest warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Love-bombing

Gaslighting

Glimpses of anger

Jekyll and Hyde

Condescending and “joking”

Lack of empathy

Lying

Blame shifting" (Source) 

According to Catalyst DV Services: RED FLAGS OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

You fear your partner will hurt you, your pets, or themselves if you leave the relationship

You miss work, classes or meetings because your partner prevents you from attending

You feel confused about the rules of your relationship and responsible for your partner's behavior

You feel nervous around other friends or family about what your partner might say or do to embarrass or humiliate you

You feel like your partner does not respect your sexuality

You feel pressured to share passwords to email accounts, social networking sites, or to show your partner your cell phone

You feel like your partner keeps track of you all the time

You are embarrassed to tell your friends or family how your partner treats you

You feel controlled

Your partner is extremely jealous and uses it as an excuse to control your behavior (who you talk to, what you wear, where you go, etc.)

Your partner pressures you to move the relationship faster than what feels natural (saying “I love you” right away, wanting to move in together, get married, have kids, etc.)

Your partner consistently accuses of you things that you haven’t done (ex. Cheating)

Your partner is very possessive over your time and attention

Your partner isolates you from your friends and/or family

Your partner makes unreasonable demands

Your partner has an explosive temper

Your partner threatens to harm you or has harmed you in the past but promised it wouldn’t happen again

Your partner criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are "crazy," "stupid" and/or "fat," or that no one would ever want or love you."  (Source).

Or Watch out for these Red Flags from "Someone who:

"Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.

Does not honor your boundaries.

Is excessively jealous and accuses you of having affairs.

Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails and texts you throughout the day.

Criticizes you or puts you down; most commonly tells you that you are “crazy,” “stupid” and/or “fat,” or that no one would ever want or love you.

Says one thing and does another.

Takes no responsibility for their behavior and blames others. Has a history of battering.

Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on their partner; for example, “My ex was a total bitch.”

Grew up in an abusive or violent home.

Insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.

Seems “too good to be true.”

Insists that you stop participating in leisure interests.

Rages out of control and is impulsive.

Pay attention to the “red flags “and trust your instincts. Survivors of domestic violence frequently report that their instincts told them that there was something wrong early on but they disregarded the warning signs and didn’t know that these signs were indicative of an abusive relationship. Always take time to get to know a potential partner and watch for patterns of behavior in a variety of settings. Keeping in touch with your support system and participating in good self-care can lower your risk of being involved in and abusive relationship." ((Source): From the National Network to End Domestic Violence.) 

Some Final Thoughts about Red Flags:

So how does one solve these Red Flags -- if one has ever been accused of being abusive, or has ever been abusive.  How do these Red Flags from becoming Real? 

What Assumptions or Thoughts and Feelings do I have when I am exposed to my Red Flags and/or My Triggers?

When I am exposed to My Red Flags and/or My Triggers for DV, What to I worry about?  And What kinds of Behaviors do I do?

Why do I do what I do when I am exposed to my Red Flags and/or My Triggers?

*** CLICK HERE to Complete Your

Red Flags for DV Worksheet!!!***

 

Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence

Why are we Talking About Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence Right Here and Now?  

  Well, it's complicated.  Perhaps the first question to be answered here could be: What does the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board (D.V.O.M.B.) say about Financial Abuse and Economic Abuse?  The D.V.O.M.B. requires that this type of Abuse be included in the Treatment of people who have committed Domestic Violence Offenses.  This is probably because some Research has reported that among couples where Domestic Violence has occurred; about 98% have also included Economic Abuse.

  Additionally, the D.V.O.M.B. also has something to say about people with DV Offenses paying for their own Treatment:

• "The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and
  Guidelines for Domestic Violence  Offenders states the following:
• "Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that in keeping with the D.V.O.M.B. Standards, if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation; she or he must pay their Domestic Violence Treatment Provider for the services provided.  This also means that a DV Treatment Provider cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Client who has an outstanding Balance.

  Hence, this week's session is about respecting Financial and Economic boundaries in all kinds of relationships from personal Intimate Relationships, to friendships to professional relationships and yes even in treatment relationships.

 

Why is Financial Responsibility important in Domestic Violence Offender Treatment? 

  Clearly, The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado feels that Paying for Treatment is somehow germane to, or related to positive Treatment Outcomes.  If nothing else, paying for Treatment indicates that a client has a really good attitude about their treatment. It also indicates that a client values what he or she is learning in treatment.  Finally, paying for Treatment is a good indication of positive change.

  This is also important because Domestic Violence offenses are largely about people not respecting their partner and or not respecting themselves. And in many cases both of the partners are not respecting each other or themselves either.  Without Respect, Relationships typically break apart.  Relationships need a lot of Respect in order to Survive and Thrive.

What do Boundaries Have to do with Domestic Violence; Much Less Economic or Financial Abuse?

  One of the most important parts of learning how to have more respect in relationships is that of recognizing all the different ways that boundaries were being disrespected during a relationship. And then also recognizing ways one can start respecting boundaries in a relationship.

  What are some of the boundary types that are sometimes disrespected -- either openly or even covertly -- in abusive relationships? 

• Social / Reputational Boundaries,
• Emotional Boundaries,
• Intellectual Boundaries,
• Spiritual Boundaries,
• Privacy Boundaries, 
• Sexual Boundaries,
• Familial Boundaries,
• Procreational Boundaries,
• Friendship Boundaries,
• Educational Boundaries,
• Vocational Boundaries,
• Digital Boundaries, and  
• Financial or Economic Boundaries.

   Today, we are discussing Financial and Economic Boundaries.

What Does It Mean To Be Financially Responsible?

  Being financially responsible means you have a process for managing your money that is productive and in your best interest overall. A cornerstone of financial responsibility is saving to protect yourself and the things you have. Here’s a look at a few other behaviors of a financially responsible person:

• Understands their costs and income, budgeting to ensure all their expenses are covered
• Saves money for the unexpected costs that will pop up sooner or later along with future items and experiences
• Has a healthy attitude toward money, taking a long-term view and living within their means
• Pay bills on time
• Manages credit responsibly and looks for ways to cut costs
• Shops around when making any financial decision to ensure they are getting the most value on expenses
• Pursues proactive financial education, both understanding basic financial concepts and financial products
• Has a written strategy, often created by working with a financial professional"(Source.)

 

What is domestic violence? / What is domestic abuse?

  “We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

• Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
• Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
• Physical or sexual abuse
• Financial or economic abuse
• Harassment and stalking
• Online or digital abuse" (Source.)

• Others might include: 
• Property Abuse
• Child Abuse
• Pet or Animal Abuse 
• Emotional Abuse

 

How are Finances and Domestic Violence Sometimes Connected?

  "When domestic violence becomes a national conversation, it’s often only after the curtain is pulled back on an otherwise respected, high-profile celebrity. The ensuing uproar makes headlines for a few days, maybe weeks, and then fades back into news-cycle obscurity. But for the millions of victims of domestic abuse—more than one in four women in the U.S., according to the Department of Justice—these headlines ignore a less-visible, longer-lasting damage wrought by their abusers: financial abuse.

  By blocking or controlling access to financial assets, abusers can coerce their victims into staying with them or coming back if they try to leave, locking them into a cycle of abuse. In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse, a fundraising and public awareness campaign.”

  “Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key,” Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, told The Huffington Post.

  Financial abuse is insidious: It can first appear as a considerate offer to take care of the bills, or a casual request to borrow money. But it escalates until the abuser has full control of every bank account, credit card, and paycheck, which means that even if victims escape, they could have no way to rent a new apartment, find a job, or care for their children.

  Unfortunately, it seems that while the majority of abusers have discovered that truth, the rest of society has yet to catch up. A 2014 survey commissioned by the Allstate Foundation found that while 98 percent of domestic-violence victims also experienced financial abuse, 78 percent of Americans had not heard about financial abuse as it relates to domestic violence."  (Source.)

 

What is Financial Abuse?

  "Research indicates that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children was one of the top reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive partner."  (Source.)

  "Financial abuse is an aspect of ‘coercive control’ – a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts a victims’ freedom.

  It’s important to understand that financial abuse seldom happens in isolation: in most cases perpetrators use other abusive behaviours to threaten and reinforce the financial abuse.

  Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without permission, putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name, and gambling with family assets. [1]

  Financial abuse can leave women with no money for basic essentials such as food and clothing. It can leave them without access to their own bank accounts, with no access to any independent income and with debts that have been built up by abusive partners set against their names. Even when a survivor has left the home, financial control can still be exerted by the abuser with regard to child maintenance.

  Sadly the vast majority of survivors experience financial abuse at some point."(Source.)

 

Financial abuse might come in different forms including:

  "These are some common forms of financial abuse—and resources to help protect or recover from it.

• The Abuser “Takes Care” of the Finances. ...
• Employment Sabotage. ...
• Economic Exploitation.  (Source.)

 

What is economic abuse?

  "Economic abuse is a situation in which someone harms another person in a close relationship using money or property, for example by controlling how they are able to get or spend money, or preventing them being able to buy things that they need:

With economic abuse, money becomes a way to control the victim.

Economic abuse can also include restricting access to essential resources such as food, clothing, or transport."  (Source.)

 

How might economic abuse impact the victim of domestic violence?

•   Would the victim of domestic violence have their own car?
•   If a person doesn't have their own car are they able to get away from an abuser?
•   What a victim of domestic violence have their own lease or their own property?
•   If a person doesn't have their own property,
•   How would they get away from an abuser?
•   What happens to the children when a victim of domestic violence is trying to take care of the children but it has zero Financial Resources?

 

Ways One Might Overcome Financial Abuse or Economic Abuse in a Relationship: What is shared responsibility?

  From "Stop Playing the Blame Game and Take Responsibility in Your Relationship, by Katie Christy, Wtiters' Corps" we find some wise words about Why Taking Responsibility is Important? 

  "Taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is an important part of healthy relationships. Doing so is an empowering reminder that you have control over the role you play in your relationship. Taking responsibility creates trust and dependability.  When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turns encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you."

  "For you, taking responsibility looks like practicing self-awareness. Another way is being able to apologize and accept that what you do affects your partner. For your partner, taking responsibility looks like having open communication with you about their feelings and being willing to admit they can grow from the hard parts of the relationship. Your partner learns to take responsibility when they own their behaviors and hold themselves accountable to their actions."  (Source.)

 

Economic partnership, Shared Responsibility and Negotiation and fairness. 

  The Equality Wheel from Duluth suggests that healthier relationships often have properties such as partners who practice:

• Shared Responsibility
• Economic Partnership
• Negotiation and Fairness
• Responsible Parenting
• Respect
• Accountability and Trust
• Equality

Some Ideas on Improving Your Partnership-Ability in your Relationship:

  "Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. Research (Stafford, 2010) underscores the power of these seven behaviors in particular in predicting relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:

• Positivity. Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.
• Understanding. Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.
• Giving assurance. Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.
• Self-disclosing. Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Openness. Share what you need or want in the relationship.
• Sharing tasks. Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).
• Involve networks. Spend time with your partner’s friends and family."(Source.)

So What Was That About the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado and Paying for Treatment?

  Seriously consider the following Questions and you should be able to come up with some answers:

• Why does the domestic violence offender management Board of Colorado require that clients and domestic violence offender treatment be responsible for paying for their own treatment?
• What are some of the reasons why a client in domestic violence treatment wouldn't want to pay for their treatment?
• If a client in domestic violence offender treatment does not pay for his or her own treatment, what does that say about that person's emotional investment and putting domestic violence type Thinking,  Feeling Behavior behind him or her?

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE the Mandatory

Financial / Economic Abuse and Financial Responsibility Worksheet. ***

 $$$ Read More Here about how this could directly impact you $$$

 PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE YOUR PAY-AS-YOU-GO Policy and Your Mandatory FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY in DV Treatment WORKSHEET

  If you have any questions about how to pay for DV Sessions, please Text Dr. B. at            719-671-7793 or email him at nepeht@gmail.com.  Thank you.

 

 >>> Always Keep In Mind: It's a whole lot easier on everyone if you just pay as you go.<<<

 

Sources:

https://www.usafrancefinancials.com/resource-center/money/money-matters-why-it-pays-to-be-financially-responsible

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.theatlantic.com/sponsored/allstate/how-money-traps-victims-of-domestic-violence/750/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Research%20indicates%20that%20financial%20abuse,returning%20to%20an%20abusive%20partner.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

https://www.forbes.com/2010/09/02/women-money-domestic-violence-forbes-woman-net-worth-personal-finance.html?sh=6fbf0c0e1047

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/abuse

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Stop%20Playing%20the%20Blame%20Game%3A%20Take%20Responsibility%20in%20Your%20Relationship&text=Taking%20responsibility%20in%20your%20relationship%20is%20the%20acknowledgment%20and%20ownership,word%20you%20say%20and%20do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/7-simple-ways-you-can-become-better-partner

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1