Understanding Communication for Healthy Relationships

    As Human Beings, Communication is typically very important to us.  Communication is commonly defined as: 

• "The imparting or exchanging of information or news."  

  Healthy Relationships are very much about Communication.  Communications can make or break a Relationship.  Many personal Relationships have been started and have been ended over Messages Communicated and Styles of Communication as well as Miss-Communications.

  Likewise, when Domestic Violence happens, it often appears to happen as a result of poor Communication, Poorly Chosen Communication Styles, Communicating too Much, or even Communicating too Little.  
  Some of the primary issues linking Communications to DV include the fact that Listening and Paying Attention are some of the most important parts of Communication.  And DV quite frequently occurs when one or both partners are not listening very well; or are not paying attention; or when one or both parties are sending the wrong signals to each other -- as in miscommunication.
  Another important part of Communication that seems to often be missing in DV Situations is Patience.  In order to maintain healthy relationships; it is often important to ask for, or to give clarification of a message.  Some people lack the patience to ask for or to give clarification.  This can lead to misunderstandings.  
  Question: I wonder how many DV Situations happen due to misunderstandings or miscommunications.

Freedom of Speech & Responsible Communications: Communication can be unbelievably important.  Think about this: A long time ago, the people who formed the United States of America knew that in order for the U.S.A. and the American People to succeed as a Free Country, everyone needed to be free to think what they wanted to think, to believe what they want believe, and to Communicate what they wanted Communicate -- even if it is unpopular, immoral or incorrect.
  Hence the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
  Among other things, the above-stated Amendment, grants everyone in the U.S.A., Freedom of Speech. So remember, you have the Right to say anything that you want to say. 
  At the same time, you might want to think first.  Why?  Because you are responsible for what ever you say.  Hence, one asks one's self: What is Acceptable Communication?  Just because I have a Right to say something nasty or offensive, does not mean that it would be smart or helpful or effective for me to do so.  
  Please see attached Link to Example of Freedom of Speech.

Effective Communication is the ability to communicate what you need and/or wish to communicate in the way that you mean to communicate it; and to be able to achieve the results that you need or desire.
  When considering a communication to someone, the question for one to ask and answer for one's self might be: "If I communicate this message this way, to this person or to these people, in that place, at this time, will it yield a positive or a negative difference in my life or anyone else's life?  or will it yield any difference at all in my life?  And also, will it yield any difference in the lives of others?
  First and foremost, it is important to almost any type of Communication to be willing and able to Listen or to try your best to comprehend the communication that is being sent to you.  And it is important to monitor reactions to your communications.
  Always remember: Listening and Paying Attention can be the most important part of Communication.  It's not always what one says that matters; sometimes it is what you hear and how you hear it and/or what you think it means.  In other words, two different people can listen to the same message and come away with multiple meanings.
  
Different Ways to Communicate Include:  Verbal, Non-Verbal (Facial Expressions), Oral (but non-verbal), Hand Signals, Social Media, GIFs, Dance Steps, Text Messaging, Face-to-Face, Written (Letter / Memo, Note), Singing, Chanting, Sign-Language, Icons, Other Messaging, Email, Faxing, Smoke Signals or Bon-Fires along the Coast or on Mountain Tops, Light-Houses, Drawing Pictures, Gestures, non-verbal (but oral) Sounds, Tea-Leaves, Tones-, Vibrations-, or Relative-Volume of Sounds,  Switching of Tones, Eye-to-Eye (only) Communication, Flag Signals, Banners, Trophies, Street Signs, Sale Signs, Statues, Codes, Tapping, A Series of Touches, and probably many others. 
  What are some of the ways that you feel most comfortable with when you communicate?  

Meta-Messages / Vibes / The Spirit of the Message:  
  What is Meta-Data -- What are Meta-Messages?  "Metadata is "data that provides information about other data". In other words, it is "data about data." Many distinct types of metadata exist, including descriptive metadata, structural metadata, administrative metadata, reference metadata and statistical metadata. Wikipedia"  Meta-Messages about Messages about a Message?
  Another important part of Communication is It is also important to keep in mind, Meta-Messages / Vibes / or The Spirit of a Message -- like putting together the person's words, the sounds, with their expression, with their posture, with their affect (emotional expression), with their behavior, with the situation, with any known history about them, with any awareness about your own history, and with the history that they and you share, and with your own baggage, with what it means to you, and with everyone's take on it
  For example, what does the picture above communicate to you? 

  When I use a given style of communication, how do people react?  Do all people react the same? No.  
  Communication includes the words or meanings that we are trying to convey.  But it also includes how we convey it on different levels: Including our perceived attitude, our posture, our perceived intent, our expressions (facial or otherwise), our dialect, our command of the language, our style of a given language etc.. etc... and one should always probably wonder: Am I being perceived as Aggressive, Assertive or Passive (or a combination)?  

Important Terms to Define and Differentiate:  The following Terms, Words or Phrases are often helpful when one is trying to learn how to Prevent Domestic Violence Behavior.  Can you Differentiate the following terms from each other? 

• Communication
• Perception
• Listening
• Interpreting
• Argument
• Debating
• Inference
• Agreeing
• Assumptions
• Silent Support
• Truth
• Commitment
• Opinions
• Imply
• Fighting
• Facts
• Aggressive
• Assertive
• Passive
• Patience
• Ignoring

Discussion Question:  What could one do -- Communication wise -- to help de-escalate a situation with your partner that seems like it is winding up toward becoming a crisis?

*** Please Click Here in order to Complete your Communication Worksheet ***

(Originally published 6/29/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Understanding DV from a Trauma-Informed Perspective

   In the Core Competencies for DV Offender Treatment, The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board states that everyone who goes through DV Treatment should be able to demonstrate Empathy in the following way:  

D.   Empathy:

  1.  Offender development of empathy: Recognizes and verbalizes the effects of one’s actions on one’s partner/victim;

  2.  Recognizes and verbalizes the effects on children and other secondary and tertiary victims such as neighbors, family, friends, and professionals;

  3.  Offers helpful, compassionate response to others without turning attention back on self (D.V.O.M.B. Core Competencies, Item D, 1-3).

 What is Empathy: Empathy can be defined as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person" (Source).

 What is Trauma: According to Oxford Dictionary, Trauma is defined as “A deeply distressing or disturbing experience” And it can also be defined as:  “Emotional shock following a stressful event or a physical injury, which may lead to long-term neurosis” (Source).

  Trauma is often thought of in one or both of two different ways: In terms of physical Trauma such as a Physical Injury that one might go to an ER for; Or in terms of the type of Trauma that one would go and see a Therapist for in order to help them better manage their life that was shaken up in a big way by the Trauma that they had experienced at some time in their life. 

  "The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood disorders defines trauma as “a psychological, emotional response to an event or an experience that is deeply distressing or disturbing.”  When loosely applied, this trauma definition can refer to something upsetting, such as being involved in an accident, having an illness or injury, losing a loved one, or going through a divorce.”

  “However, it can also encompass the far extreme and include experiences that are severely disturbing such as rape or torture. Because events are viewed subjectively, this broad trauma definition is more of a guideline. Everyone processes traumatic events differently because we all face them through the lens of prior experiences in our lives. As an example, one person may be upset or fearful after going through a hurricane, but someone else may have lost family in Hurricane Katrina, which can bring up traumatic flashbacks of their terrifying experience.” (Source).

 Merriam-Webster Dictionary’s definition is even more comprehensive:  “Trauma is the Greek word for "wound".   Although the Greeks used the term only for physical injuries, nowadays trauma is just as likely to refer to emotional wounds. We now know that a traumatic event can leave psychological symptoms long after any physical injuries have healed. The psychological reaction to emotional trauma now has an established name: post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD.  It usually occurs after an extremely stressful event, such as wartime combat, a natural disaster, or sexual or physical abuse; its symptoms include depression, anxiety, flashbacks, and recurring nightmares.”” (Source).

  Further, according to Medicine.net, “Trauma is divided into three main types: acute, chronic, and complex” (Source)."

  One model that one could use to help people understand this concept could be what is now commonly called, the "Trauma Informed Perspective". 

 

  What is Trauma Informed?  “A trauma-informed perspective views trauma-related symptoms and behaviors as an individual's best and most resilient attempt to manage, cope with, and rise above his or her experience of trauma.” (Source).

  Whereas, The Center for Mental Health Services National Center for Trauma Informed Care says that another way of looking at it is that "A trauma-informed approach is based on the recognition that many behaviors and responses expressed by survivors are directly related to traumatic experiences."  (Source).

  In short, the National Institutes of Health says, “Individuals who have survived trauma vary widely in how they experience and express traumatic stress reactions. Traumatic stress reactions vary in severity; they are often measured by the level of impairment or distress that clients report and are determined by the multiple factors that characterize the trauma itself, individual history and characteristics, developmental factors, sociocultural attributes, and available resources. The characteristics of the trauma and the subsequent traumatic stress reactions can dramatically influence how individuals respond to the environment, relationships, interventions, and treatment services, and those same characteristics can also shape the assumptions that clients/consumers make about their world (e.g., their view of others, sense of safety), their future (e.g., hopefulness, fear of a foreshortened future), and themselves (e.g., feeling resilient, feeling incompetent in regulating emotions). The breadth of these effects may be observable or subtle” (Source).

Applying a Trauma-Informed Perspective to DV: 

  Regarding the connection between Trauma and Domestic Violence:

“Childhood Abuse and Relationship Violence

  Separate from PTSD, a connection has been found between the experience of certain traumatic events and relationship violence. In particular, studies have found that women who experienced sexual, emotional or physical abuse in childhood were more likely to experience violence in intimate relationships as compared to those without a history of childhood trauma.3

  People with PTSD also have been found to be more likely to be aggressive and engage in intimate partner abuse than people without a PTSD diagnosis. The connection between PTSD and violence has been found for both men and women with the disorder.

Trauma, PTSD, and Domestic Violence

  Researchers have attempted to better understand what may lead people with a history of trauma or PTSD to engage in aggressive and violent behaviors. In studies of U.S. veterans, depression played a role in aggression among people with PTSD.4 People who have both depression and PTSD may experience more feelings of anger and, therefore, may have greater difficulties controlling it.5

  Despite these findings, it is important to note that just because some people have experienced a traumatic event or have PTSD does not mean that they will exhibit violent behavior. There are many factors that contribute to aggressive behavior and much more research is needed to identify the specific risk factors for aggressive behavior among people exposed to traumatic events or who have PTSD.” (Source).

  Frequently, people involved in DV tend to bring their Trauma to the relationships and in many cases, they create more trauma before they leave some relationships.  This is an equal-opportunity type of thing. For example:

• Both Moms & Dads sometimes bring Trauma to their Relationships (with partners and with their children).
• Victims of DV tend to take Trauma away from the Relationship with them.
• And even Perpetrators of DV Tend to take Trauma away from their Relationships at times.
• Many children and others involved can sometimes take trauma from Relationships that include trauma.

A Thought about Victimhood.

  The purpose of this essay is NOT to create more Victims -- or making people feel like they are Victims.  Nor is there an assumption here that everyone is a Victim of something or another.  Further, it is not about making people feel that being a Victim excuses any sort of behavior that causes harm to others.  Rather, this is about allowing space for persons who have experienced Trauma to come out and talk about their Trauma as it relates to their experience(s) with DV.

Seven Questions:

1. What Trauma(s) have I experienced in the past that I brought into the Relationship where I got my DV Offense?

2. What Trauma did my DV Offense bring up for me?

3. In what ways was my DV Offense Traumatic for the Victim(s)?

4. In what ways was my DV Offense Traumatic for anyone else involved?

5. What am I currently doing to help heal myself from the Trauma that I may have experienced related to my DV Offense?

6. What am I currently doing to help heal others that may have experienced Trauma related to my DV Offense? 

7. In what ways could briefly focusing on the various Trauma(s) among my life's events help me to make better decisions in the future? 

What can I do to help Myself or Others heal from Trauma related to my DV Offense?  A partial list of potentially helpful ideas:

1. Work on ways to Heal Myself.  Learn good self-healing techniques (e.g. mindfulness).  Work on my Relaxation-Type Skills / Maybe if I get Spiritual it might work for me.
2. Get help for My Trauma -- Therapy / Counseling.  (Do so Before a Judge tells me to).
3. Work through My Own Trauma in a Sober Fashion.  Process my feelings about it.
4. I can own my Guilt for what I did that harmed myself and/or others; but I must not carry the Shame -- I need to know that I am not a "Bad Person".  I am a good person who did something bad.
5. Work hard on ways to prevent potential trauma-causing thoughts and behaviors -- that could effect anybody -- in the future.
6. Work on Accepting what I have done as well as how it effected other people; and then learn how to Forgive Myself. 
7. Really Show myself (and maybe even others) that I have Grown (hopefully) in positive ways through the awful situation that I was a part of.
8. Promise myself to accept the Process and to not fight the Good Changes that I am undergoing.
9. Commit to ongoing learning from what happened and commit to doing better next time.
10. Try to make amends or pay reparations if it's appropriate and if it is possible to do so without doing any harm to anyone (including myself).  And don't expect to be forgiven.
11. Practice Forgiveness for whatever I think (or I know) that others have done to hurt me.
12. Try to move on in my life, being with others; and listening to others without judging.

 

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   Trauma Informed DV Victim Empathy Worksheet. ***

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(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Animal Abuse and Pet Abuse and Domestic Violence

Pet Abuse and DV

“Animal Abuse and Pet Abuse and Domestic Violence

"WHAT IS THE LINK? (Between Animal Abuse and Domestic Violence"?

A correlation between animal abuse, family violence and other forms of community violence has long been established. Philosophers and educators have been describing the connections between animal abuse and interpersonal violence since the 14th century. Child and animal protection professionals have recognized the association, noting that abuse of both children and animals is connected in a self-perpetuating cycle of violence. When animals in a home are abused or neglected, it is a warning sign that others in the household may not be safe. In addition, children who witness animal abuse are at a greater risk of becoming abusers themselves.

 

HOW SERIOUS IS IT?

A survey of pet-owning families with substantiated child abuse and neglect found that animals were abused in 88 percent of homes where child physical abuse was present (DeViney, Dickert, & Lockwood, 1983). A study of women seeking shelter at a safe house showed that 71 percent of those having pets affirmed that their partner had threatened, hurt or killed their companion animals, and 32 percent of mothers reported that their children had hurt or killed their pets (Ascione, 1998). Half of school shooters have histories of animal cruelty (Verlinden, Herson, & Thomas, 2000). Still another study showed that violent offenders incarcerated in a maximum-security prison were significantly more likely than nonviolent offenders to have committed childhood acts of cruelty toward pets (Merz-Perez, Heide, & Silverman, 2001)."

https://www.americanhumane.org/fact-sheet/understanding-the-link-between-animal-abuse-and-family-violence/

 

ANIMAL CRUELTY AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

A 2017 study showed that 89% of women who had companion animals during an abusive relationship reported that their animals were threatened, harmed, or killed by their abusive partner.

The Animal Welfare Institute created this list of facts and myths about the connection between animal cruelty and domestic violence:

FACT: Domestic violence, child abuse, and animal abuse frequently occur simultaneously in a family.

FACT: Women with pets may delay leaving a dangerous environment for fear of their pets’ safety.

FACT: Individuals who commit pet abuse are more likely to become batterers.

FACT: Animal abuse often is linked to the severity of IPV.

MYTH: Animals abusers represent a distinct type of offender.

MYTH: A safe haven for pets of domestic violence victims is always a place where the pets of domestic violence victims are sheltered in the same area as the family.

FACT: Safe havens for pets—offering assistance either with direct service or information to survivors of domestic violence about housing their pets safely—have grown nationally.

https://www.sheriffs.org/animal-cruelty-and-domestic-violence

 

The Link Between Animal Cruelty and Human Violence

By Charlie Robinson, M.A., M.S., and Victoria Clausen, M.A.

https://leb.fbi.gov/articles/featured-articles/the-link-between-animal-cruelty-and-human-violence

"The roles animals play in society are widespread, ranging from beloved family pets providing comfort, to law enforcement dogs tracking missing persons, to service animals providing critical assistance. Animals are part of nearly everyone’s life in some aspect. Unfortunately, as seen with children, without a voice of their own, animals are among the most vulnerable in society. This vulnerability places them at high risk for animal cruelty — intentional, harmful behavior such as neglecting or killing an animal.

Historically, animal cruelty has been considered an isolated issue, but recent research shows a well-documented link that it is a predictive or co-occurring crime with violence against humans (including intimate partners, children, and elders) and is associated with other types of violent offenses. Increased awareness of this linkage and a collaborative approach to these investigations strengthens the identification and reduction of such crimes.1

Recognizing animal cruelty as a serious violent offense has slowly developed over time. In the late 19th century, child abuse and animal welfare were closely associated within independent programs. However, during the 20th century, the government began to oversee child protection services, and private humane societies undertook animal welfare.2 This separation hindered the acknowledgement of the correlation between animal cruelty and domestic violence. As time has progressed, an increasing number of fields have acknowledged the correlation and seriousness of these crimes.3

 

Interpersonal Violence Implications

Many people frequently assume individuals begin hurting animals and then progress to humans. While this may be true in some instances, it is not the case for all offenders. One study found that 16% of offenders started abusing animals and graduated to violent crimes against humans. However, in many circumstances, offenders start by hurting other humans and then progress to harming animals.4

Companion animals can be a source of comfort to victims of domestic abuse. Unfortunately, the abuser often exploits this bond to manipulate, control, and punish victims. To create fear and control, the abuser may threaten, hurt, or kill the animal. Cruelty to the animal may be used to convince the victim to return to a violent relationship, keep the victim isolated, financially control the victim, or coerce the victim into staying. Further, the offender may physically harm the animal to psychologically punish the victim or to remind the victim that the abuser can assert physical force to maintain dominance and control.5 Often, the abused partner will choose to stay in the violent situation out of concern for the pet’s safety.6

Seventy-five percent of abused women who have companion animals report a history of their companion animal being threatened or intentionally harmed by their intimate partner, with children being present and witnessing the violence over 90% of the time.7

Other studies have shown that half of all children are exposed to animal cruelty at some point in their lives.8 Children who are exposed to interpersonal violence (IPV) at home are 60 times more likely to suffer emotional maltreatment and physical abuse or neglect. These circumstances place children at an increased risk of perpetuating the cycle of violence in the future due to desensitization and the belief that violence is an acceptable way to resolve interpersonal conflict.9

Domestic violence offenses not only occur in an intimate partner setting but often occur simultaneously or are precursors to other types of violent offenses. Animal cruelty is a predictor of current and future violence, including crimes of assault, rape, murder, arson, domestic violence, and sexual abuse of children.10 For example, the majority of IPV victims who report co-occurring animal cruelty are also concerned the abuser eventually will kill them and should be considered at extremely high risk of suffering severe injury or death.11

Further, animal cruelty is a better predictor of sexual abuse compared to a history of homicide, arson, or weapon convictions.12 Being cognizant of this link allows for law enforcement to recognize that animal cruelty indicates other possible offenses are occurring in the household.13"

https://leb.fbi.gov/articles/featured-articles/the-link-between-animal-cruelty-and-human-violence

 

"Animal Abuse as an Indicator of Domestic Violence: One Health, One Welfare Approach

Animal abuse is widely recognized as both a risk factor for and a potential consequence of interpersonal violence. In children, especially, factors such as dysfunctional families, antisocial personality, physical, psychological, or intimate abuse, and frequent exposure to domestic aggression or animal abuse have been confirmed as factors that can predispose young people to perform acts of animal cruelty. It is important to recognize warning signs such as those identified as the McDonald triad (bedwetting, pyromania, animal cruelty). A one health, one welfare approach, incorporating physicians, veterinarians, other health care professionals, social workers, and humane education, is critical for the recognition, management, and prevention of domestic violence, involving both humans and other animals.

 

Abstract

For years now, the importance of animal cruelty has been gaining recognition in the industrialized cities of the West. Animal cruelty encompasses any act that causes a non-human animal unnecessary pain or suffering, including negligence, abandonment, abuse, torture, bestiality, and even theriocide. This represents a red flag for society as a whole because people who commit such acts can escalate violence and direct it to other individuals. Animal cruelty and interpersonal violence—as well as other socially undesirable conduct such as bullying, antisocial personality disorder, rape, and serial murder—are closely related, so timely diagnoses of either one can help prevent acts of aggression. It is necessary, therefore, to analyze and try to understand whether there are early indicators that may help identify potentially violent individuals. It is well known that kids from homes with actual violence in their homes show a high tendency to reproduce such behaviors with both animals and other people. In conclusion, much research and rethinking of the importance of the veterinarian in detecting animal abuse and cruelty is needed to help detect and prevent cases of interpersonal violence that may arise over time."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9024712/”