STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY

  Sometimes, our differences or arguments get to where someone might feel like she or he cannot think straight.  And one might even start feeling cues telling one that they are angry and might just act out.  When angry, it is a great time to take a break. When I feel my Anger Cues it is time. (Question: What are your cues?  How do you know if you are angry?)

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.
Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely is just that.  
  First, I need to decide whether or not I can stay in this same room or situation for the time being and start to focus without going to the other room.  Or if I can go into the other room without any problems anyway.  The bottom line is whether or not I can stay in this room without doing or saying something that I might regret later.
  When the tension has built up to a level where one might lose one's temper and say or do something that they will later regret, it is time to do this.  If/When I get to a point where I might do something destructive I can do the following exercise instead.
  I can quietly and respectfully withdraw from the conversation or the interaction -- while still in the room or while not in the room.  But if I stay in that room, I need to be careful that I don't irritate the other person by occupying myself with a cell phone or something, or just being disrespectful/
  The best thing -- if possible -- Is probably just to listen really good.  If this doesn't work or if the tension doesn't de-escalate, then I can walk calmly to a place where I can sit down and relax quietly and away from all the noise and other people.  And I can begin to do this exercise that will help me feel much more in control of myself; while also feeling less anxious, less angry, and feeling less of a need to act out or to say something that could cause more problems.
  Whereas a Time Out is a very effective way to prevent DV Behaviors, it takes 4 hours to do; whereas this technique (Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  
  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
• And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

  Remember, the smartest thing one can do in many of these types of situations is to listen.
  Just sit down, shut up (unless asked a question), and listen carefully at what is being said.    This is not about giving your partner the silent treatment.  Basically, this is about stopping the competition between you.

Try to Remember the words of President John F. Kennedy: 

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.”

  Pay attention to your partner.  How is your partner feeling right now?

When talk about your feelings and thoughts, use "I" statements.

  How is she or he feeling about this?   
  Accept how they are feeling.  Be compassionate.
  Listen.  There is no requirement to win something against your partner in such a situation.
  After all, this is a partnership right?  
  In partnerships, BOTH people should win at the same time.

*** PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK TO COMPLETE YOUR 

STOP BREATHE FOCUS RELAX REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY WORKSHEET ***

(Originally published 6/3/2020)

 

(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).