“Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

*** THIS POST IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR COPY IT. *** 

Topic: “Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

For some people Denial works better.. for others Denial is just fooling yourself..

Question: In what ways have you found yourself in Denial about your DV Offense?  

Like There is that point,

before we get into trouble; before the cops come; before anybody even calls the cops... when we realize ??? what ???

 (Something like...  "Well, it's too late now..!..  or "We are so F__k'd"  or maybe we don't even think at all.. We are just mad still..."  

  How many of you guys were actually SHOCKED when you got arrested?  So, feeling like one is in SHOCK is a sign of Denial.

  

Assumption: When we get arrested for DV -- even if we could swear that we did nothing wrong; there is a good possibility that we could have changed this outcome had we made a different decision somewhere in our past.  

But: What keeps us from realizing that a choice we made -- who knows when -- might have been the wrong choice -- even if we felt we had to make it that way.. Or we felt like we did not have a choice... but we did have a choice....

This is what we call Denial.

What is Denial?

  “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (VerWellMInd).

Types of Denial?

• Conscious Denial -  Where I know about what happened, but I don't own it.
• Subconscious Denial - We kind of know about it, but we don't admit it to ourselves 100%.  
• Pathological Denial - Where my denial is something I purposely use in order to justify the harm that I do to myself and others.

What Does Denial Look Like?

• When we are not being honest with ourselves or others about something that we should know is different from the way we believe it to be.
• When I am trying to be the victim; not the suspect.
• When you just don't remember it (Like when we are in emotional shock).
• When we blame something we did on someone or something else because it is too painful to admit.
• Not being mindful about what happened and what's happening right now, right here.
• When you don't really want to believe that it actually happened.  "Like I can't believe that happened.... Did I really do that?"
• When you know it happened, but you blame other people for the whole thing, instead of owning your part of it.
• When I fail to see the results of my actions on other people.  What it did to them.
• Like somebody actually calling me out with facts; but I still claim that I didn't do it.
• When you blame what you did on someone else's words or actions as if that excuses what you did.
• When all you can think is "they are a cop caller and we are done because they got me into trouble."

What does Denial do?  What's so bad about denial?  What's the problem here?

•   It's true denial can be a protective factor.  It helps us survive sometimes.
•   One refuses to admit the truth.. Hence they are at risk of living in a fantasy world, or living a lie.  And then that can cause more problems because they are not being real with themselves or with anyone else.
•   Denial Stands in the way of Accountability.  Makes it hard for us to own what we say and do -- even when owning it is required as a goal for getting off of probation.
•   Denial Hides our sense of Responsibility for future thoughts and actions.
•   Denial Disconnects our consequences from the cause of the consequences (as in ASPD).  So we tend think that we have consequences for no reason at all.  We think we are being picked on.
•   Denial can kind of control the way a person thinks about the outcome of a situation... So it can effect their thinking and behavior such that they have a higher possibility of getting into trouble again. 
•   Denial Increases the probability that there will be more victims or more victimization, more trauma, more issues, and even more costs or consequences for the person who keeps doing the same things over and over again; as well as for the Victims too.
•   Keep in mind, it's harder to forgive someone who is in denial than someone who owns what they did.
•   I might stop progressing in a certain area that I might need to be changing.  Because Denial can impede my growth. For example, if I did not study at all, and I flunked a Math class, and then I blamed it on the teacher; that is denial.

How or Why do we get ourselves into Denial?

• Self-Preservation.  To Save our own Ego.
• When we just don't want it to be true.
• Or when our psyche just can't handle the truth about something.
• It's a protective defense mechanism... protects my feelings from getting hurt.
• Just a plain old Defense Mechanisms -- If I don't acknowledge it; it never happened and then I don't have to deal with it at all.
• Or Blame -- When we blame something or someone else for our DV Offense -- then we start to believe that our offense was their fault and not our own doing.
• When we fail to comprehend Cause and Effect relationships.
• When we are lacking in empathy.  Sometimes we simply cannot see how someone else feels. 
• When some of us are pretty Codependent -- such that it gets us into trouble.  Knowing and caring tends to draw us in like a magnet, so we either become closer; or we end up in denial instead.  Our denial of their pain, helps us stay neutral.
• Family and / or Friends promote our Denial by blaming everyone else for our own poor choices, bad behaviors and mistakes.

What are some of the benefits of coming out of our Denial and being more Responsible, and more Accountable?

• Possibly, You get better as a person.  Become a better person.
• Builds Character.  Opens your eyes to the world.
• Helps stop the cycle.
• You might find more Acceptance and Realization of the path you want to take for a better you.
• I might become a lot more careful.
• You have a healthier relationship with yourself -- maybe even more confidence.
• More Personal Growth, Social Growth, or even Economic Growth.
• Might love yourself more.
• You have healthier relationships with others.  Because people view you as being more honest, truthful, accountable, dependable etc...
• You might get better at trusting yourself.
• Self-worth might increase.
• Your eyes will open to a World of Opportunity.
• You might be better able to prevent DV from re-occurring.
• I might even make better choices about relationships.
• We move forward in our lives instead of staying stuck in the past.

How might one put an end to their Denial:

• Listen to what other people are saying to you.
• Listen to Wisdom when it is there.
• Try to understand (without judging) how others feel about what happened.
• Take time to understand what really happened.  Put yourself in their shoes.  
• Imagine if you were them and dealing with what you did to them or to yourself.
• Let it go.  And forgive yourself... And forgive everybody else too if you can.
• Acceptance, Apology, Empathy... 
• Get Therapy.  Trust the process... Learn to process things critically.
• Just do whatever it takes to get my mind clear so that I can think straight and more accurately -- Might require getting away; and Will require eliminating useless distractions. 
• Be more Mindful.  Learn how to Take a Time Out. Stop, Breathe and Focus.
• Learn how to De-Escalate heated situations.
• Being sober so that I can know what I am feeling instead of hiding from it.
• Know the Rules before you try to play the game.

Exceptions, or Food for Thought about Denial:

• One could have been doing something that they thought was the Right thing to do when they got charged with DV.  

• Perhaps my Denial involved a failure to do the Right thing at the Right time -- such as call the cops.  (Or maybe I did call the cops, but yet I got charged for a violation of the other person's Rights.) 

• A person can stop their Denial any time they are ready to.

• One could be doing something that seems to be morally -- the Right thing to do; but Legally, it can get one arrested.  Such as hugging during an altercation to get it to stop; or hugging someone after a fight in order to comfort them when they do not want you to be hugged them or touch them at that time.

Think about it: 

• Question: Which works better for you in the Long Run; Denial or Responsibility?

• Question: In what ways have you found yourself being fully Responsible about this DV Offense?

• Question: What are my primary issues that got me into my DV Offense?  Could one of them have been denial or distorted thinking or both... ?

• Question:  Can I take accountability for another person's impression about what I was intending to do or what I did, even if that was not my intention to do?  Or, what if someone else seems to mis-read my intent.  Yet I did not give them any reason to read it correctly?

*** Please Click here to Complete Your Denial Session Worksheet ***

Developing Accountability for a Better Chance at Preventing Domestic Violence and a Brighter Future!

DRAFT DO NOT PRINT OR COPY.... 

What is Accountability?  

Why is Accountability important in Life?  

  Could it be that Accountability is so important that although much of what we think, say and do is forgivable; we are ultimately responsible... In the long run... as we mature, we realize that eventually, We shall reap what we sow.  Either that, or we shall be extremely grateful that we got away with it.... whatever it was...

So, Why is Accountability imperative for Successful Completion of DV Offender Treatment?   Can you say, "PREVENTION"...

  Look at it this way: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"

  The older I get... the more I find myself thinking about things, situations, thoughts and behaviors that I did... but that I never gave a second thought until recently..."  You know???

  So   Go ahead!  Ask Yourself: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"  But NOT in a negative way.  

  This is NOT about BLAME, SHAME or GUILT!!!

  This is about HEALING!!!  

  This is about a Do-OVER.... a GIMME. 

  This is about having another Chance!!! 

  Another Chance.

  And theoretically, if I go about this next Chance with a greater sense of Accountability, I will do it better... 

  Why? Because if I do it with more Accountability, I will be more thoughtful, more careful, more patient, more mindful, wiser, more understanding, and more loving of myself and everyone else.

  This is about separating the things that I can control or the things change from the things I cannot control or change.  And then letting go of things I cannot change... 

  And then becoming Accountable for the things that I can Control or the things that I can Change. 

 

 Hence, this Lesson is about Developing Accountability for a Better Future.

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that in order for a person to complete Domestic Violence Treatment they MUST develop a strong sense of Accountability.  They MUST have an understanding of Accountability.  And they MUST take Accountability for their own actions leading up to and related to their DV Offenses as.  As well as Developing a commitment to having Accountability moving forward.

"G.   Offender Accountability 

         1. Accepts responsibility for one’s abusive behaviors,

2. Accepts the consequences of those abusive behaviors,

3. Actively works to repair the harm, and prevent future abusive                        behavior;

4.  Taking corrective actions to foster safety and health for the                         victim

A.      Recognizes and eliminates all minimizations of abusive behavior and without prompts identifies one’s own abusive behaviors

B.      Demonstrates full ownership for his/her actions and accepts the consequences of these actions: The offender demonstrates an understanding of patterns for past abusive actions and acknowledges the need to plan for future self-management and further agrees to create the structure that makes accountability possible

C.    The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors.  Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable"

"What is personal accountability?

There are numerous definitions for the concept of personal accountability, but in the most general terms, displaying it means you are someone who consciously takes ownership of your life and responsibility for your decisions and actions. Personal accountability is sometimes thought to be comprised of five habits:

• Obligation: Duties that have consequences.
• Willingness: Taking action more because we want to than because we have to.
• Intent: Your purpose behind a plan.
• Ownership: Control over something.
• Commitment: Dedication to a task at hand and betterment of self."  (From: 

  5 easy habits to develop personal accountability at (https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability).

Why is Personal Accountability Important?

  

"Simplest terms: without it, no one would have to own any of their decisions, and personal + professional life would become wholly circular, without repercussions or clear goals. People having personal accountability, especially those in formal leadership roles, is the entire reason that organizations can work together, and the underpinning of hierarchy too: when something goes wrong, someone needs to be on the hook for that, and take responsibility. 

There are also personal benefits to developing more personal accountability, including:

• Stronger relationships
• Less stress
• More trust of other individuals
• Better sense of self and self-efficacy
• More focused use of time
• Higher self-esteem 
• Growth mindset, i.e. idea that one can tackle anything they need to"
  

"It’s worth spending one second here on personal accountability vs. personal responsibility, as those two terms often also get conflated. Here’s the essential difference:

Most people have been responsible for the welfare of either themselves or another being at some point in their early lives. Young children are often responsible for pets or siblings.

Accountability is a word that carries a lot more weight, and is one that we don’t really hear until we enter the world of work and business. It can have positive and negative connotations, but research suggests that being held accountable for things can have positive effects on enhancing the feeling of self-control in the workplace. "  (From: https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability)

Building a Culture of Accountability (By Flesner).

“To guide you on this journey, I present ten essential steps that you can follow to cultivate a culture where accountability thrives and success reigns supreme.

1.     Cultivate Trust -- Trust is the cornerstone of effective leadership and a culture of accountability. Ensure your team members trust you and each other so they feel safe holding each other accountable. It's essential to convey that being held accountable is not a personal attack, as team members understand it's always about the success of the team as a whole. We've covered trust and psychological safety in newsletter 3 and newsletter 4.

2.     Communicate the Accountability Concept and Benefits -- Transparency is key. Clearly convey the concept and benefits of a culture of accountability. Encourage team members to take ownership of their work and emphasize how it contributes to the organization's goals. As Patricia Susan Summitt, former American women's college basketball coach once said: “Accountability equals ownership. And a sense of ownership is the most powerful weapon a team or organisation can have.” We have covered this topic in the last 'Leadership Shots' newsletter.

3.     Establish Measurable KPIs -- Ensure that the team's and individual team members' deliverables are measurable Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) aligned with organisational objectives. Tangible metrics make accountability more concrete and achievable.

4.     Promote Open Communication -- Create an open and inclusive environment where team members feel comfortable sharing progress, challenges, and concerns. Open communication channels help identify issues early and facilitate collaborative problem-solving. Leadership expert and host of the 'Leaders of Transformation podcast', Nicole Jansen , and I will publish an Inc. Magazine article about this topic shortly. Please check the bell on my profile if you want to be notified accordingly.

5.     Provide Regular, Empathetic Feedback -- Acknowledge accomplishments and address areas for improvement immediately and regularly. Reinforce the importance of accountability in personal and professional growth. When providing feedback, approach it with empathy and constructive guidance.

6.     Address Accountability Failures Promptly -- When accountability lapses occur, address them promptly and constructively. Use these instances as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than punitive measures. Encourage individuals to reflect on what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Recognise and Celebrate Success:

7.     Celebrate achievements and milestones as a team -- Recognising successes as a team reinforces the value of accountability and encourages continued efforts. It fosters a sense of pride and unity within the team.

8.     Promote a Learning Mindset -- Emphasise that accountability is not about assigning blame but about continuous learning and growth. Encourage individuals to reflect on their actions, learn from mistakes, and adapt to changing circumstances. Mistakes should be seen as opportunities for improvement, not as failures.

9.  Lead by Example -- Set the tone by being accountable for your own actions and decisions. Demonstrate integrity, take responsibility for your mistakes, and actively seek solutions. When your team members see you practicing accountability, they are more likely to follow suit and embrace this mindset. As my friend and host of the Developing The Leader Within Podcast , Enrique A. nice phrased this:

"As long as leaders don't deal with their own relationship with accountability, they will misuse their leadership position to hold others accountable for things they can’t face."

10. Champion Cultural Change -- Creating a culture of accountability may require a cultural shift within your organisation. If so, champion this change, communicate its importance, and provide ongoing support. Be the driving force behind the transformation and lead by example.”

(Think of it this way: "Humans shed about 600,000 skin cells per day and up to 1.5 pounds of skin cells per year. Research from the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology found that shedding skin contributes to 69 to 88 percent of dust in our homes–now, that's gross.Apr 29, 2016" Texas A&M University, Immunology.)

  Accountability means we got to Role with the Changes. 

  So, think about: How Can We Apply the above knowledge toward Preventing DV In the Future???

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Domestic Violence and/or Anger Management Accountability Statement

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(Source:  https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-steps-build-culture-accountability-patrick-flesner-mw71e).  (Flesner).