“Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

*** THIS POST IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR COPY IT. *** 

Topic: “Denial and Responsibility -- Which Works Better for Me?”

For some people Denial works better.. for others Denial is just fooling yourself..

Question: In what ways have you found yourself in Denial about your DV Offense?  

Like There is that point,

before we get into trouble; before the cops come; before anybody even calls the cops... when we realize ??? what ???

 (Something like...  "Well, it's too late now..!..  or "We are so F__k'd"  or maybe we don't even think at all.. We are just mad still..."  

  How many of you guys were actually SHOCKED when you got arrested?  So, feeling like one is in SHOCK is a sign of Denial.

  

Assumption: When we get arrested for DV -- even if we could swear that we did nothing wrong; there is a good possibility that we could have changed this outcome had we made a different decision somewhere in our past.  

But: What keeps us from realizing that a choice we made -- who knows when -- might have been the wrong choice -- even if we felt we had to make it that way.. Or we felt like we did not have a choice... but we did have a choice....

This is what we call Denial.

What is Denial?

  “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality” (VerWellMInd).

Types of Denial?

• Conscious Denial -  Where I know about what happened, but I don't own it.
• Subconscious Denial - We kind of know about it, but we don't admit it to ourselves 100%.  
• Pathological Denial - Where my denial is something I purposely use in order to justify the harm that I do to myself and others.

What Does Denial Look Like?

• When we are not being honest with ourselves or others about something that we should know is different from the way we believe it to be.
• When I am trying to be the victim; not the suspect.
• When you just don't remember it (Like when we are in emotional shock).
• When we blame something we did on someone or something else because it is too painful to admit.
• Not being mindful about what happened and what's happening right now, right here.
• When you don't really want to believe that it actually happened.  "Like I can't believe that happened.... Did I really do that?"
• When you know it happened, but you blame other people for the whole thing, instead of owning your part of it.
• When I fail to see the results of my actions on other people.  What it did to them.
• Like somebody actually calling me out with facts; but I still claim that I didn't do it.
• When you blame what you did on someone else's words or actions as if that excuses what you did.
• When all you can think is "they are a cop caller and we are done because they got me into trouble."

What does Denial do?  What's so bad about denial?  What's the problem here?

•   It's true denial can be a protective factor.  It helps us survive sometimes.
•   One refuses to admit the truth.. Hence they are at risk of living in a fantasy world, or living a lie.  And then that can cause more problems because they are not being real with themselves or with anyone else.
•   Denial Stands in the way of Accountability.  Makes it hard for us to own what we say and do -- even when owning it is required as a goal for getting off of probation.
•   Denial Hides our sense of Responsibility for future thoughts and actions.
•   Denial Disconnects our consequences from the cause of the consequences (as in ASPD).  So we tend think that we have consequences for no reason at all.  We think we are being picked on.
•   Denial can kind of control the way a person thinks about the outcome of a situation... So it can effect their thinking and behavior such that they have a higher possibility of getting into trouble again. 
•   Denial Increases the probability that there will be more victims or more victimization, more trauma, more issues, and even more costs or consequences for the person who keeps doing the same things over and over again; as well as for the Victims too.
•   Keep in mind, it's harder to forgive someone who is in denial than someone who owns what they did.
•   I might stop progressing in a certain area that I might need to be changing.  Because Denial can impede my growth. For example, if I did not study at all, and I flunked a Math class, and then I blamed it on the teacher; that is denial.

How or Why do we get ourselves into Denial?

• Self-Preservation.  To Save our own Ego.
• When we just don't want it to be true.
• Or when our psyche just can't handle the truth about something.
• It's a protective defense mechanism... protects my feelings from getting hurt.
• Just a plain old Defense Mechanisms -- If I don't acknowledge it; it never happened and then I don't have to deal with it at all.
• Or Blame -- When we blame something or someone else for our DV Offense -- then we start to believe that our offense was their fault and not our own doing.
• When we fail to comprehend Cause and Effect relationships.
• When we are lacking in empathy.  Sometimes we simply cannot see how someone else feels. 
• When some of us are pretty Codependent -- such that it gets us into trouble.  Knowing and caring tends to draw us in like a magnet, so we either become closer; or we end up in denial instead.  Our denial of their pain, helps us stay neutral.
• Family and / or Friends promote our Denial by blaming everyone else for our own poor choices, bad behaviors and mistakes.

What are some of the benefits of coming out of our Denial and being more Responsible, and more Accountable?

• Possibly, You get better as a person.  Become a better person.
• Builds Character.  Opens your eyes to the world.
• Helps stop the cycle.
• You might find more Acceptance and Realization of the path you want to take for a better you.
• I might become a lot more careful.
• You have a healthier relationship with yourself -- maybe even more confidence.
• More Personal Growth, Social Growth, or even Economic Growth.
• Might love yourself more.
• You have healthier relationships with others.  Because people view you as being more honest, truthful, accountable, dependable etc...
• You might get better at trusting yourself.
• Self-worth might increase.
• Your eyes will open to a World of Opportunity.
• You might be better able to prevent DV from re-occurring.
• I might even make better choices about relationships.
• We move forward in our lives instead of staying stuck in the past.

How might one put an end to their Denial:

• Listen to what other people are saying to you.
• Listen to Wisdom when it is there.
• Try to understand (without judging) how others feel about what happened.
• Take time to understand what really happened.  Put yourself in their shoes.  
• Imagine if you were them and dealing with what you did to them or to yourself.
• Let it go.  And forgive yourself... And forgive everybody else too if you can.
• Acceptance, Apology, Empathy... 
• Get Therapy.  Trust the process... Learn to process things critically.
• Just do whatever it takes to get my mind clear so that I can think straight and more accurately -- Might require getting away; and Will require eliminating useless distractions. 
• Be more Mindful.  Learn how to Take a Time Out. Stop, Breathe and Focus.
• Learn how to De-Escalate heated situations.
• Being sober so that I can know what I am feeling instead of hiding from it.
• Know the Rules before you try to play the game.

Exceptions, or Food for Thought about Denial:

• One could have been doing something that they thought was the Right thing to do when they got charged with DV.  

• Perhaps my Denial involved a failure to do the Right thing at the Right time -- such as call the cops.  (Or maybe I did call the cops, but yet I got charged for a violation of the other person's Rights.) 

• A person can stop their Denial any time they are ready to.

• One could be doing something that seems to be morally -- the Right thing to do; but Legally, it can get one arrested.  Such as hugging during an altercation to get it to stop; or hugging someone after a fight in order to comfort them when they do not want you to be hugged them or touch them at that time.

Think about it: 

• Question: Which works better for you in the Long Run; Denial or Responsibility?

• Question: In what ways have you found yourself being fully Responsible about this DV Offense?

• Question: What are my primary issues that got me into my DV Offense?  Could one of them have been denial or distorted thinking or both... ?

• Question:  Can I take accountability for another person's impression about what I was intending to do or what I did, even if that was not my intention to do?  Or, what if someone else seems to mis-read my intent.  Yet I did not give them any reason to read it correctly?

*** Please Click here to Complete Your Denial Session Worksheet ***

Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I IN MY MIND when my DV Happened?

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent Domestic Violence?  

  According to HealthLine, regarding Mindfulness helping in Relationships: “A set of three studies from 2018 (Source) found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall" (Source).

  Mindfulness would include understanding of one's self and at the very least, an attempt to understand the other person..

  It stands to reason that if a Relationship has more Acceptance and more Presence; then perhaps BOTH partners can find more satisfaction in the relationship; hence, they could have fewer of the Perceptions, Feelings, Thoughts, Behaviors and Impulses that relate to Domestic Violence.  Such a Relationship, might even have more Happiness, more Cooperation, more Negotiation, more Humility, more Fairness, more Compassion, more Mutual Respect, more Reciprocation, more Teamwork and a greater sense of Equality between the partners.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

  In a 2016 article in Psych Central, the author writes about some of the theoretical reasons for DV saying:   "Domestic violence — also known as DV, intimate partner violence or abuse — may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other."

  "Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socioeconomic background." (Axelrod, J., 2016).

Dr. B. adds: "The above probably originates out of some very popular long-held beliefs about DV and they do have some validity.  However, based on years of practice in the field, Dr. B. does not whole-heartedly agree with all of that.  It is also believed that DV often seems to arise out of circumstances such as those which develop into crises with feelings among potential abusers (such as extreme insecurity, or extreme fear of loss of the relationship; or extreme frustration with things going on in the relationship, where a person might feel: 1) That they must do something; 2) That they must do something now; and 3) That they must somehow take control of the situation.)  And this is often where the exertion of power and control happens in DV.  This is certainly not to rationalize away the offender's responsibility for DV; nor is the intention here to project blame onto the Victim for the DV.  But rather, this is quite possibly more common of a reason for DV than some of those mentioned above, as it takes into account the Systems Perspective."

  Even when intoxicated, such feelings of jealousy, anger and other strong emotions can surface.  People often become more impulsive and even belligerent when intoxicated.  Many argue that their DV Offense would not have happened if not for the alcohol.  These feelings are still there; however, what might not have been there also while intoxicated was that ability to fully manage impulses.

  Others believe that when more closely examined, it seems that DV often happens as a result of poor choices and even mistakes.  

  Still others -- particularly victims of DV, DV Offenders, their Families, the Courts, and Treatment Providers really want to know more about exactly HOW DV happens?  There is no one certain answer.

  We know that in order for DV to happen, at least the Victim and the Perpetrator need to be physically present; or at least involved in a Relationship to some extent.  At the same time, one should consider that Presence in the sense of Mindfulness, can be much more than just being physically present. 

 

Mindfulness -- How does that work?

  Per Oxford, Mindfulness is:  “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something” or “mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

  For example: In her Article regarding “Mindfulness, Presence and Connection”, Knowlan (2007) defined Mindfulness and Presence in the following ways:

"Mindfulness is a quality of focused, non-judgmental attention to the present moment; the capacity to witness.  Mindfulness is accepting something the way it is -- in the moment.

Whereas, Presence is a quality of being fully, yet authentically, available in the present moment; often experienced as a quality of being connected and open to what is arising or co-arising between and among us."  

It almost seems like Presence is kind of like just BEING IN The Moment WITH SOMEONE.

  Knowlan also wrote that, “THE CAPACITY TO BE MINDFUL is fundamental to creating conscious, living systems” (Knowlan, 2007).

  In other words, Mindfulness is about being more Conscious of ourselves and others.

  In some ways, it seems that a Healthy Relationship could be viewed as a Conscious Living System -- or at least a part of such a system.

Question:

  So if I was conscious of my partner and my self in our relationship, How did our DV Offense happen?

  And even more telling could be the answer in mindfulness terms to the question: Why did this DV Offense happen?  

  Could it be because there was a problem with this System -- with OUR system -- the system that lives within and between us?  

  Could it be that when a Relationship is at the point of having DV; then the Relationship is lacking in Consciousness; or lacking a sense of living Vitality?

  That being proposed, one again asks: How did this DV Offense Happen?  

  In other words, What was going on when the urge to do what was done happened?  

  Or when the related decision or choice to do what I or we did was made?  

  Or even the failure to stop it from happening occurred?  

  And in some cases such as those involving drinking; this could be where the alcohol gets blamed -- But unfortunately, blaming the alcohol just does not do the trick.

  Although this dialectic here may seem like a spiral of sorts; this could be how we begin to truly understand what was going on with me; the person who committed this DV Offense -- at the time that I did what I did.

  If I could juts answer this, I might be getting somewhere.

  And with Mindfulness; we might also consider what was going on with the Victim at that time as well (That's what we call empathy)?  

  Empathy could be helpful.

  But our main focus should be on our selves and what was happening with us at that moment.

Still We Must Fully Understand How It Happened:

  It stands to reason that in order to end DV -- or to improve a damaged relationship; we should fully understand how it happened?  Hence, we need to know why it happened?  

  We look inside of ourselves -- inside of the person who did the offense... and how this person (I) was Feeling or Thinking; and how I was Doing at the time just prior to the DV Offense?

  And this is where we shift our focus to our sense of  PRESENCE.... In a way...  for example, a great question to ask one's self could be: "Where was I (in my mind, like cognitively and emotionally -- fears and all) when my Domestic Violence Offense Happened?

And Perhaps this is where Mindfulness Can Really Make a Difference?

  Some scholars say that: 

"Being present (or living mindfully, whatever you want to call it) simply means you're focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent."  They say that "Being Present" or (Being Mindful) "Mindfulness" can (also) help with Managing Stress, Mental Health Symptoms, and with Relationships (Source).

Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do (or not do), try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen” (Source). 

  So, let's try some more Mindfulness... Think about this for a minute:    

  Where were we when our DV Happened?  Yeah.. sure, we know we were physically somewhere -- but where were we in our heads, or our minds and in our hearts at the time?

  This inspirational quote might help:

“It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being PRESENT in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor” (Victoria Moran, Source).

And that's what we are working on here.   You Ready???

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent DV?  

  Surely, Mindfulness can also help at times other than while we are in the middle of a conflict.  This Exercise, for example, below is about Integrating our Heart with our Head -- that's our Feelings and our thoughts -- and doing so within the Context of a DV Offense.

We can possibly progress toward Prevention of Future DV and Healthier Resolution of our recent DV Offense through developing introspection about the following:

Question: 

---  What was I thinking before, during and after my DV offense?

---  Where was I in my head during the offense -- Where was my mind?  What was my mind doing at the time?

---  What was my heart saying to me at the time of my offense?

---  And at that time also, how did I respond to the callings of my Head and my Heart?  Did I listen to them?  And more importantly; Did I act on them?

Sometimes, a Relaxation Activity might help one develop a better understanding of such.  Let's try it!

NOW -- Let's Just try to start to Relax a little.

  Practicing Mindfulness.  Mindfulness can include many thoughts, feelings and actions: Awareness, Presence, Feeling the Vibe, Breathing Exercises, such as Breathing in the good, nice energy; and then Expelling all the Toxic or Negative Energy, Being in the Moment, like Right here, Right now, Positive thinking and Positive Projection, Humility and Humbleness, Accepting What it Is about yourself and Accepting Others as well, Developing Compassion for yourself and others, Accepting the things that you cannot control.  It’s about Having Faith in Yourself, and Having Faith in Others Around You too.  It’s about Practicing Patience with everyone and everything all the time.  And It’s about forgiveness –giving forgiveness to yourself and forgiving others.  And finally,  it’s about doing the best that you can, and Letting go of things that hold you back.

So, Let's Try Something Like This Mindfulness Activity:  

Please Follow these instructions:

Relax your hands.  Close your eyes.  Put your feet flat in front of you -- unless you are sitting on the floor.  Then put all of your weight on your but.  Sit back.  Relax.

Breathe slow, take some very deep breaths -- 

>>> --  Breathing in for 3 seconds or 3 Mississippi's -- and hold.

>>> --  Hold that breath in for 1 - 2 seconds or Mississippi's, then

>>> --  Slowly Breathe out for 3 seconds or Mississippi's.

Then Repeat...  until you feel relaxed... (Possibly 3 minutes).

Once you feel relaxed; Picture yourself... Picture you at that time.

  And think: Where was I in a Physical Sense when my DV Offense Happened?  Think about yourself at that time.  

  Now, Describe to yourself your sense of the scene of the Offense: Who was there?  How were they acting?  How were they apparently feeling?

  Ask yourself the following as you move forward in time:

 >>> What were my Thoughts at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

 

 >>> What were my Feelings at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

  >>> What were my Worries at that time?  What were my Fears at that time?  What was I afraid of at that time?

>>>  What were my Wants at this time?  What did I want to happen? 

>>>  What were my Needs at that time?  What did I need? 

>>>  What did I feel like doing at the time just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>>  And as you go the point where your Offense happened, What was driving me in that moment?

  Now: Consider this:  After a tragedy such as a DV Offense; we sometimes trick ourselves into believing that we did not have a choice.  But we did have a choice at that time?

 >>> What were my Options just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>> Now Remember, this is not about having Regrets or Remorse. 

 >>> But this is more about finding solutions for prevention.

 >>> Let it go.

>>> This is about having Healthier Relationships.

>>> This is about Finding Happiness for Our Selves and for others In Relationships and In The Future. 

  >>> Remember your Breathing.  Mississippi's....  

Alternative Action for Letting Go:

>>> Imagine a nice white clean piece of paper and a pencil in your hands and you are writing down all of the Regretful thoughts, feelings and actions associated with your DV Offense.  You may write down your losses too. 

>>> Then after you finish writing, you may crumble this piece of paper into a very tight ball.  And when you are ready to let go of the Blame, the Shame, the Guilt and the Regrets related to your DV Offense; when you are ready to move on beyond all that negative stuff, throw that paper ball as far away as you can; and look away from it, turn around and walk away.  

Now -- Come back to full consciousness slowly...  feeling yourself where you are right now.  And when you are ready, you can Open your eyes and Relax...

 Now Come back to this room...

 <<< How do you feel?

 <<< Many people feel more energized after they complete an exercise such as this and relaxed as well.  Both at the same time.   

          How do you feel?  

 <<< What do you recall from this session? 

 <<< What insights did you gain? 

 <<<  What if we used this technique during crises in the future?  How might my life be different if I was using this technique before I got into trouble?  How might lives of others be different?

 

 ****** End of Mindfulness Activity )******

 >>> * Please Click HERE to Complete your 

Mindfulness & DV Prevention Worksheet. * <<<

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 

 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music:  

My Old School (Steely Dan)

Tomorrow Never Knows (The Beatles)

Tomorrow Never Knows (Los Lobos)

Sources: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6153889/

https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present#What-it-really-means

Knowlan, 2007.

http://www.morefamousquotes.com/topics/quotes-about-being-present-in-the-moment/

Make an Emergency Toolkit in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  It is time to begin putting into practice some of the things we have learned in Domestic Violence Treatment.  Are you ready for this? 

   For people who take Domestic Violence seriously, an Emergency Toolkit can be a great tool for helping prevent another Domestic Violence Offense.  It's easy.  Its free.  And It works!

   This week, we are talking about how to make an emergency toolkit (physical or digital) that includes things you can easily do in order to prevent DV, avoid DV; or to de-escalate potential DV.

   Think about it: What types of things help you avoid DV?  

   Clearly Patience is a Virtue and is probably one of the best strategies to help avoid a crisis or DV; however, lots of us need more than just patience.

   When one starts having DV-Type Thinking or DV-Type Feeling; it is time to reach for an Emergency Toolkit for Prevention of Domestic Violence. 

   Sure, you might think this is silly.  But an Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit can mean the difference between a Successful, Happy and Healthy Relationship; and Miserably Failed Relationship with the possibility of another DV Charge.  So Ask yourself:

• Do I take Domestic Violence Seriously?
• Do I want another Domestic Violence - Related Offense? 
• Am I NOW Completely Done with Domestic Violence in My Life?
• Am I Committed to Preventing Domestic Violence in my life in the future?
• Am I ready to Eliminate my Domestic Violence-Type Thinking?
• Am I ready to Change my Domestic Violence-Type Feelings?
• Am I ready to find better, non-violent ways of Preventing DV in My Life?

Think about it.  What Would I Do To Avoid Another DV Offense:

• What would I do if I think my partner is not being very responsible with money?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I was intoxicated and my partner physically attacks me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I feel that my partner is being an emotional bully to me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully them or I am acting like a bully right NOW?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually everything -- every possible solution that I can think of seems to be abusive?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I heard that the Victim Advocate is trying to get in touch with the victim / who happens to be my partner?

• What would you say?  What would you do?

What Would You Do To Prevent Another DV Offense?

• Let's say, You were living with your child (age 7) and your partner refused to quit drinking or using drugs?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are pretty sure that your partner is having an affair with someone at work and your partner has left their cell phone on the dresser while they are in the shower?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are standing in the living room with your partner.  And your 5-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Your partner starts an argument that is likely to get loud.  
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that s/he is leaving you and that s/he is taking the kids and that you will never see them again?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner’s Ex calls to speak with him/her on the phone.  You rudely ask “why” and he/she says “It’s personal.”  (And They don’t even have kids together.)?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Say you and your partner just had a really awful fight and there was disrespect as well as threats to leave.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that they have close friends of the opposite sex and they have no intention of dumping them.
• What would you say?  What would you do? 
• 
  
• Let's say, Your partner is intoxicated and you have been arguing.  They take the keys and the baby and head toward the car saying they are leaving.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

  >>> What would you say or do?  What would I do if faced with this situation or a situation that is just as challenging.

  My theory is that DV Trouble often happens due to a decision made at this point...  So what we want to do is figure out how to make a much better decision than I did when I got into trouble.  And that's not always easy.  But it's doable. 

  It starts with a willingness to think critically... to be willing to second-guess assumptions that one already has. <<<

Now -- Answer the question: Why do you think or feel that the solutions that you thought of here might be the best solution(s) for you at this time? 

• It goes deeper than just Behavior though, right?
• It is more than just thoughts, right?
• It is also about feelings, Right?   

         So we put all that together... and that's what we are working on in order to prevent DV.  There's a lot to this.... Relationships are complicated aren't they?

 

The first step could be to learn about your DV Cues:

  DV Cues are feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, notions, inspirations and other influences that tell you that it is time to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.  

  Remember:

>>> DV Cues can be Dangerous!!!  -- Very Dangerous -- Especially if ignored!

• How do I know when I am in Danger of DV Happening?  
• Ask Yourself: What are my DV Cues?

• But YOU CAN STOP YOUR DV CUES from getting you into Trouble. 
• The First Step is to figure out What your DV CUES are.  (So what are some of your DV Cues?)

A DV Prevention Emergency Toolkit is an Excellent Compliment to Understanding Our DV Cues:

  What is in a DV Emergency Toolkit?  You tell me: What are some things that can help you prevent DV in your life -- besides making really good choices about who you are going to be with?  Sure, we all have frustrations; but sometimes we tend to blow them up -- way out of proportion.  Then we get into trouble.  And at those times, we also tend to NOT think very clearly.  

  This Toolkit is about reminding ourselves about what to do in such times, so that we do not end up blowing things way out of proportion.

  A Domestic Violence Prevention Emergency Toolkit is something that you put together in order to help you STOP your DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Thinking.  And this will be in order to avoid DV-Type Behaviors.  

  And the Best time to stop it is before it starts.  

  But if it starts, that's also a great time to stop it.  

  A good DV Emergency Toolkit might start with a list -- Like a LIST of Ideas, Things and Supports that help you avoid DV.  

  What are some behaviors or things you can use to STOP DV when you think or feel it's about to happen?  

  These things might include the following:

• Be very careful who you are involved with.

• Find ways to Reduce your own stress level. without Alcohol or other Substances.

• Take a Time out.

• Stay sober.  (We know that alcohol and drugs can increase the possibility of DV -- as well as the possibility of getting arrested should a confrontation happen.)

• Learn how to use Stop breathe and focus.

• Be Creative (Draw a picture, Write a Poem, Take a Photo / Edit a Photo, Hum a tune... especially a new tune that you are making up as you go...).

• Practice your Anger Management Skills.

• Do Deep Breathing Exercises -- Mediate if if helps you think more clearly.

• Study the Possible Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.   Learn what your Risk Factors are for DV.  Reverse your Risk Factors for Recidivism (in order to reduce your risk of Re-Offense).

• Go to work.  Get a job... Or at least go and do some Volunteer Work.  Stay productive.  Stay busy.

• Be nice to EVERYONE you meet --- on purpose.  Watch their reactions.  Let it nourish  your soul.

• Research about the Importance of Trust in Relationships.  Are you really TRUSTing  your partner?  Are they really trusting you?  Make a List of Reasons why you could trust your partner.  Make a List of Reasons why your your partner should trust you. 

• Go Shoot some baskets; Volleyball, Tennis or some other sport.  Work out.  Walk around the Park.

• Take one day at a time.  Try to let tomorrow alone for a while.

• Let go of things you cannot control.  Just try to let them go!

• Consider the potential victim's rights.  -- Think before you act.

• Practice your Right to remain silent; especially if your silence is not hurtful to your partner. 

• Try to be Helpful to your partner.

• Separate from your partner for the day.  You don't even have to tell them you are doing this.  Just take a day to yourself.

• Get Couples counseling (If this is currently permitted for you.  Current DV Offenders in DV Treatment are not allowed to do this per the D.V.O.M.B.)

• Do good things for the kids, the old folks or the infirmed people in your community.

• Promise yourself to never be violent.

• Watercolor.  Color outside the lines ON PURPOSE.

• Study up on the Philosophy of Nonviolence (Read MLK, Gandhi, Cesar Chavez, The Bible, The Gita, The Torah, The Koran).

• Choose equality over power and control.  Learn about both and start identifying where both appear in your life.

• Commit to Accountability.  Commit to being Accountable.

• Keep in mind; It may be Better to separate briefly, now; than to do so permanently later.

• Let it go.  Turn it over to a higher power.  Pray if it works for you or makes you feel better.  Or take some quiet time to yourself.  

• Focus on controlling yourself rather than controlling your partner.

• Catch yourself... and then Stop monitoring your partner (never look at her/his phone, her/his private journals, or her/his private belongings).  Never spy on your partner.  Just don't do it.

• Learn about what LOVE really is.  Look it up.  Google "LOVE".  Review your feelings about what Love Is after you read about it.  Now that you know what Love is; Try to figure out: Do you really LOVE this person?  (Are you sure..... Is this really Love?)

• Listen to some Music; or Play some Music.  (Sometimes, Music without words is best in that it might help one think peaceful thoughts.)

• Do an Art Project to relieve Stress.  Do some Finger-painting.

• Do some Grounding Exercises.  Google: Grounding Exercises!

• Try to View your situation through your partner's eyes.  If you were her or him, what would you want you to do at this point in time?

• Try to View your situation through your children's eyes.  If you were them, what would you want you to do at this point?

• Learn that if you are in a Healthy Relationship, you don't ever NEED to prove that you are right when it comes to your  partner.

• Try to Stop making assumptions.  Stick to what you know.  Learn the FACTS.

• Quit interrogating your partner about where she or he was, where he has been or who else was there.  Remember: Jealousy can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

• Quit judging your partner.  

• Learn about what Intimacy really is.  int: it's not always about sex.  Think along the  lines of a sense of Equality, Trust, Respect, Altruism, Humanism, and Fairness... etc..

• Write a Poem or write a Song.

• Put things into perspective.  Get professional Help -- Call Someone who can help you.

• Remember: You can eventually attract more flies with honey than with vinegar -- if you  want flies.  So Be NICE to everyone!  No, this does not mean you should return to a your partner while they are being abusive to you.

• Realize that While you MUST NEVER try and control your partner; you do need to  control yourself.  You should try to control yourself enough to keep from causing harm to others or to yourself.

• Study up on what being Psychologically "Healthy" looks like.  Are you in touch with your emotions?  How do you really feel?  Spend some time figuring that out. 

• Let go and let Your Higher Power or God or Allah or the Lord Buddha do what ever needs to be done.

• Never fight.  (Once you disrespect your partner; You are fighting) -- Never call her or him names.

• Learn how to Apologize with Sincerity -- and then Follow it through.

• Do not speak to your kids about problems with your partner.

• Practice ways to De-Escalate a heated argument.  Remember to Sit down.  Be quiet.     And Listen carefully.  But never sit there and abuse them or be abused by them.

• Accept that our Lives as Humans are constantly changing.  And that we cannot (and in   some cases, should not) try to control the changes but so much.  Study the phenomenon of CHANGE.

• Encourage your partner to think for themself.  Respect his or her Reality.  Value   her / his   point of view -- especially if it's different from yours'.  

• Avoid Catastrophizing the situation by Threatening to Break-Up.  Do not threaten to leave or to do harm to yourself or to anyone else.  If you want to leave, then do it.  But don’t force yourself to do it today.  Don’t do it when you are angry.

• Take a Walk.  Walk your pet(s).  Walk around with your kid(s).  Walk alone.

• Go Fishing.  Go Birding.

• Go to a Self-Help Meeting if there is one that is available and covers what you need.  Try Codependents Anonymous, or Alanon, or ACOA, or AA or NA.. Or Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Over-Eaters Anonymous.  They're available on the Internet too.  Try Googling them.

• Build something.  Fix something.  Make something.  Create something with your hands.

• Do Something that makes you feel whole and confident. 

• Remember, it's never too late to learn new Coping Skills for Preventing negative moments in a relationship. 

• Plant a garden.

• Above all; promise yourself that you will be RESPECTful to EVERYONE the Whole Time -- No matter how angry you feel.

• Send yourself a Text or an Email with a list of ways you can prevent DV in your life.

• Be open to making good changes in your life.

• Be open to making healthy changes to how you think about things, how you feel about things, and how you do things... 

• Always be willing to learn something new that could help improve your life and/or your relationships.

• And finally, be PATIENT. 

BEST ANSWER:  SERENITY -- 

• Accept the things that you cannot change.  
• (In time) change the things that you can.  
• And strive to know the difference between what you can change and you cannot change.

*** Please Click Here to Complete 

your Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit Worksheet. ***

(Originally Posted 8/2/2021)

Sources: 

 -- Many Sources are cited above.  Please press the HyperLinks to see the Sources.

(Originally posted, 11/26/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Developing Accountability for a Better Chance at Preventing Domestic Violence and a Brighter Future!

DRAFT DO NOT PRINT OR COPY.... 

What is Accountability?  

Why is Accountability important in Life?  

  Could it be that Accountability is so important that although much of what we think, say and do is forgivable; we are ultimately responsible... In the long run... as we mature, we realize that eventually, We shall reap what we sow.  Either that, or we shall be extremely grateful that we got away with it.... whatever it was...

So, Why is Accountability imperative for Successful Completion of DV Offender Treatment?   Can you say, "PREVENTION"...

  Look at it this way: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"

  The older I get... the more I find myself thinking about things, situations, thoughts and behaviors that I did... but that I never gave a second thought until recently..."  You know???

  So   Go ahead!  Ask Yourself: "What the Heck Was I thinking???"  But NOT in a negative way.  

  This is NOT about BLAME, SHAME or GUILT!!!

  This is about HEALING!!!  

  This is about a Do-OVER.... a GIMME. 

  This is about having another Chance!!! 

  Another Chance.

  And theoretically, if I go about this next Chance with a greater sense of Accountability, I will do it better... 

  Why? Because if I do it with more Accountability, I will be more thoughtful, more careful, more patient, more mindful, wiser, more understanding, and more loving of myself and everyone else.

  This is about separating the things that I can control or the things change from the things I cannot control or change.  And then letting go of things I cannot change... 

  And then becoming Accountable for the things that I can Control or the things that I can Change. 

 

 Hence, this Lesson is about Developing Accountability for a Better Future.

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that in order for a person to complete Domestic Violence Treatment they MUST develop a strong sense of Accountability.  They MUST have an understanding of Accountability.  And they MUST take Accountability for their own actions leading up to and related to their DV Offenses as.  As well as Developing a commitment to having Accountability moving forward.

"G.   Offender Accountability 

         1. Accepts responsibility for one’s abusive behaviors,

2. Accepts the consequences of those abusive behaviors,

3. Actively works to repair the harm, and prevent future abusive                        behavior;

4.  Taking corrective actions to foster safety and health for the                         victim

A.      Recognizes and eliminates all minimizations of abusive behavior and without prompts identifies one’s own abusive behaviors

B.      Demonstrates full ownership for his/her actions and accepts the consequences of these actions: The offender demonstrates an understanding of patterns for past abusive actions and acknowledges the need to plan for future self-management and further agrees to create the structure that makes accountability possible

C.    The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors.  Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable"

"What is personal accountability?

There are numerous definitions for the concept of personal accountability, but in the most general terms, displaying it means you are someone who consciously takes ownership of your life and responsibility for your decisions and actions. Personal accountability is sometimes thought to be comprised of five habits:

• Obligation: Duties that have consequences.
• Willingness: Taking action more because we want to than because we have to.
• Intent: Your purpose behind a plan.
• Ownership: Control over something.
• Commitment: Dedication to a task at hand and betterment of self."  (From: 

  5 easy habits to develop personal accountability at (https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability).

Why is Personal Accountability Important?

  

"Simplest terms: without it, no one would have to own any of their decisions, and personal + professional life would become wholly circular, without repercussions or clear goals. People having personal accountability, especially those in formal leadership roles, is the entire reason that organizations can work together, and the underpinning of hierarchy too: when something goes wrong, someone needs to be on the hook for that, and take responsibility. 

There are also personal benefits to developing more personal accountability, including:

• Stronger relationships
• Less stress
• More trust of other individuals
• Better sense of self and self-efficacy
• More focused use of time
• Higher self-esteem 
• Growth mindset, i.e. idea that one can tackle anything they need to"
  

"It’s worth spending one second here on personal accountability vs. personal responsibility, as those two terms often also get conflated. Here’s the essential difference:

Most people have been responsible for the welfare of either themselves or another being at some point in their early lives. Young children are often responsible for pets or siblings.

Accountability is a word that carries a lot more weight, and is one that we don’t really hear until we enter the world of work and business. It can have positive and negative connotations, but research suggests that being held accountable for things can have positive effects on enhancing the feeling of self-control in the workplace. "  (From: https://www.fingerprintforsuccess.com/blog/personal-accountability)

Building a Culture of Accountability (By Flesner).

“To guide you on this journey, I present ten essential steps that you can follow to cultivate a culture where accountability thrives and success reigns supreme.

1.     Cultivate Trust -- Trust is the cornerstone of effective leadership and a culture of accountability. Ensure your team members trust you and each other so they feel safe holding each other accountable. It's essential to convey that being held accountable is not a personal attack, as team members understand it's always about the success of the team as a whole. We've covered trust and psychological safety in newsletter 3 and newsletter 4.

2.     Communicate the Accountability Concept and Benefits -- Transparency is key. Clearly convey the concept and benefits of a culture of accountability. Encourage team members to take ownership of their work and emphasize how it contributes to the organization's goals. As Patricia Susan Summitt, former American women's college basketball coach once said: “Accountability equals ownership. And a sense of ownership is the most powerful weapon a team or organisation can have.” We have covered this topic in the last 'Leadership Shots' newsletter.

3.     Establish Measurable KPIs -- Ensure that the team's and individual team members' deliverables are measurable Key Performance Indicators (KPIs) aligned with organisational objectives. Tangible metrics make accountability more concrete and achievable.

4.     Promote Open Communication -- Create an open and inclusive environment where team members feel comfortable sharing progress, challenges, and concerns. Open communication channels help identify issues early and facilitate collaborative problem-solving. Leadership expert and host of the 'Leaders of Transformation podcast', Nicole Jansen , and I will publish an Inc. Magazine article about this topic shortly. Please check the bell on my profile if you want to be notified accordingly.

5.     Provide Regular, Empathetic Feedback -- Acknowledge accomplishments and address areas for improvement immediately and regularly. Reinforce the importance of accountability in personal and professional growth. When providing feedback, approach it with empathy and constructive guidance.

6.     Address Accountability Failures Promptly -- When accountability lapses occur, address them promptly and constructively. Use these instances as opportunities for learning and improvement rather than punitive measures. Encourage individuals to reflect on what went wrong and how to prevent it in the future. Recognise and Celebrate Success:

7.     Celebrate achievements and milestones as a team -- Recognising successes as a team reinforces the value of accountability and encourages continued efforts. It fosters a sense of pride and unity within the team.

8.     Promote a Learning Mindset -- Emphasise that accountability is not about assigning blame but about continuous learning and growth. Encourage individuals to reflect on their actions, learn from mistakes, and adapt to changing circumstances. Mistakes should be seen as opportunities for improvement, not as failures.

9.  Lead by Example -- Set the tone by being accountable for your own actions and decisions. Demonstrate integrity, take responsibility for your mistakes, and actively seek solutions. When your team members see you practicing accountability, they are more likely to follow suit and embrace this mindset. As my friend and host of the Developing The Leader Within Podcast , Enrique A. nice phrased this:

"As long as leaders don't deal with their own relationship with accountability, they will misuse their leadership position to hold others accountable for things they can’t face."

10. Champion Cultural Change -- Creating a culture of accountability may require a cultural shift within your organisation. If so, champion this change, communicate its importance, and provide ongoing support. Be the driving force behind the transformation and lead by example.”

(Think of it this way: "Humans shed about 600,000 skin cells per day and up to 1.5 pounds of skin cells per year. Research from the Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology found that shedding skin contributes to 69 to 88 percent of dust in our homes–now, that's gross.Apr 29, 2016" Texas A&M University, Immunology.)

  Accountability means we got to Role with the Changes. 

  So, think about: How Can We Apply the above knowledge toward Preventing DV In the Future???

<<<<<>>>>>

Domestic Violence and/or Anger Management Accountability Statement

AND

IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

(Source:  https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/10-steps-build-culture-accountability-patrick-flesner-mw71e).  (Flesner).