Using The Control Log Process In Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  When we are at risk of Domestic Violence happening, we sometimes need a tool that we can enlist to help prevent things from escalating.  And we usually need it right away!!!  There's no time to lose in such situations...  

  It seems perhaps that the most effective emergency tools for prevention of Domestic Violence could be -- for example: 

1. Taking Time Outs; 

2. Doing a Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely exercise.

3. Communication for Healthy Relationships -- In a crisis, this might be mostly sitting down, calmly, and listening respectfully until the heat is gone. 

4. Effectively using supports, or reaching out to our social support networks, our families, close friends, therapists, probation officers -- or even call a Support Hotline, or some other person who will listen who can help you navigate this situation; and 

5. Going through the Control Log Process?

 Why A Control Log?  Well Why Not?

  Part of the problem with Domestic Violence is that it often comes out of our attempts to control people, situations and things that we either cannot or should not be trying to control in the first place...  I just get more frustrated when I do this.  But this often brings more problems for everyone involved.  And it doesn't solve anything.  Also at some times, we don't even realize that we are doing this -- trying to control someone or something.

 One of the best tools for understanding and preventing DV can be the Control Log Process.  Basically, the Control Log Process can be used in two (or more) different ways: 

1. To document abuse that is happening to you -- For example: This is how that person was trying to control me...  or in analyzing the other person's behaviors to get a glimpse of what is really happening at the time; and / or

2. The other way to use a Control Log is as a Process Instrument that helps us to explore and to better understand the situations that we are in; and how our apparent desire and / or our need to control things and / or the other people involved in our lives manifests and then eventually causes problems for us and for others -- like how did I get into this mess in the first place? and / or

3. A Control Log can help with identification, understanding and management of self-destructive or other-destructive impulses. 

  For example, many of us might find ourselves going through the following questions as we try to sort things out.  Imagine you are in the middle of a crisis and that you really feel a need to do something.  But perhaps, the smartest thing you could do right now would be to sit down alone, relax, drink a glass of water, and ponder some of the questions below:  

 --- Why is it that I feel I really need to have control right now?  Am I afraid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?  And keep in mind that fear is often a strong motivator for violence.  Have you ever gotten to a point where you realized the only thing you can really do at that time is just give it up for the moment, sit down, and try to relax for a few minutes.

 --- It's one thing if I need more self-control so that I don't hurt anyone else.  But it's another thing if I just want to control the situation or to control someone else in order to get something that I want.

 --- What am I trying to control in the first place?  In some cases, I might just be trying to control my self... or my temper... or trying to end the pain and anguish that I'm in.  This might be okay.

 --- But, what is so powerful about this situation that makes me so frustrated?  Could it be that I'm feeling either out of control my self, or that I'm bothered by my lack of ability to control other people?

 --- What is it about me that has to take control and then to feel that I have to make this change happen in THIS PARTICULAR WAY… Right Now?  

 --- How might this change bring me relief anyway?  Is this really the solution?

 --- Surely, we need to have control over ourselves, Right?  

 --- But do we really need to control other people or situations?  In the case of small children or others that would otherwise be in immediate danger, it could be different though.  

 --- Perhaps, sometimes, I should try to only control my own part of a given situation.  Because I can't expect my self to be able to control the others in this situation, can I?  And this goes double in cases where I still can't even control my self.

 --- Is it not hard enough for me to just control my self then?  Quite possibly.

 --- So then, why do I want to control other people and situations involving others?  Now that's a good question!

 --- When I am trying to control someone else do, I ever ask myself the following questions: What is it that is so important that it must happen right now… -- even at the risk of interfering in someone else's life???  

 --- Or why must I control this right now...?  Do I really think I can control this?  If not, then why on earth would I put everything at risk to try and control this?

 --- Our sense of urgency and frustration often comes out of us wanting something to get fixed right away... even though it’s not likely to happen that way at all.

--- So why can’t I just take some time – and relax and be patient?…  Great idea!  Work on my patience right now; instead of trying to force a change that requires someone else to make a decision.

--- Then, perhaps, I will be ready to reasonably consider what I’m doing or what I am about to do.... right?  And then I could try again... next time with more patience, more flexibility, and more empathy for the other people involved.  And then I could finally let go of trying to control others?

  So, Why not just take a Time Out Right Now???  Otherwise, the police might make me take a Time Out?  And that wouldn't be any fun, now would it?

 --- In the first place, why do I feel like I need to take a Time Out?  (This is where I should start finding lots of good reasons for taking a Time out.... Right Now!!!)

 --- Ok... so when I was taking my Time Out for instance… What was it that I found that apparently just had to happen or not to happen that created this level of frustration in the first place?  

  And then while I was on my Time Out, I learned that there are several things I could do to take care of myself, including: Relaxation exercises; Reaching out to supportive and helpful others; developing more awareness about what exactly is going on with me -- and of course, a great tool for this might be to complete a Control Log Process.  

What is a Control Log?

  A Control Log is largely about the simple -- albeit extremely helpful -- task of separating the things that I can change from the things that I cannot change.

  The Control Log helps us take a closer look at what is going on with us around the situation that involves other people.  And it also might possibly help us generate insights about ways to do things that could yield much more positive results.  

  Rather than doing things that might hurt other people or might get us into trouble; a Control Log Process can help us prevent trouble instead.  After all, who really needs more trouble?

  And Remember, The Control Log can help us get a grip on what's going on Right Now.  And that can also be really helpful.

  So, What does a Control Log Look Like?  Or am I too controlling, in assuming that a Control Log actually looks like anything in particular?  After all, a Control Log is mostly just a thinking exercise... that we do in our minds or on paper.  Kind of like Mindfulness, in a way...  But it's more focused directly on preventing violence.

One Version of a CONTROL LOG could Include the following Items:

  For Example: Something possibly bad is happening in my life, and my alarm bells are going off...  I might be feeling angry, defeated, hurt, insecure, jealous, I might even feel put down or belittled or even disrespected and abandoned.  Or I might just be scared.  So where does that leave me....???  Probably a pretty empty place.  

  I am finding my self at a place where the most important thing becomes me being able to control my self -- and no one else...    

  But unfortunately I have already done or said something that I will probably regret.  So what can I do now?  

>>> Questions about the following -- for me to ask my self:  

Start Right Here with Your Control Log Process:

• >>> >>> Who is actually involved in this situation -- who are the stakeholders here?  

• >>> >>> What is the problem as I see it - on the face of it - right now at this time?  What is it?  What's the big deal?

• >>> >>> Actions: Describe the actions that I would use to either try and control the                          situation; or to try and control or change something about my partner?

• >>> >>> Intentions: What am I intending to happen at this time?  What do I really want (or need) to happen at this time?  What am I trying to make happen?  Who am I really doing this for?

• >>> >>> Beliefs: What beliefs do I have that helped me generate my Intentions which led to my possible actions right now -- which could lead to my regrets and / or my rationalizations and / or my false justifications about what is about to happen?  What am I believing -- at this time -- that I seem to be trying and use to justify my actions?  And why am I believing that?  Could it be that I believe that I need to; and / or have a right to control my partner or someone else?  Or do I just think I have a right to get my way?

• >>> >>> Feelings: What feelings am I having at this time?  What am I feeling?  Am I feeling insecure?  Am I feeling frustrated, angry, empty, defeated, fed-up, or even just afraid?  So, why can't I just stop right here and go down a different path...???  I wish I could!  An avenue that could help me to better deal with the way that I am feeling.  And also, an Avenue where using substances or violence is not the answer?  Because Note This: At times, tragically it seems substances and violence are used to quench our most intense feelings.

• >>> >>> Minimization, Denial and Blame:  Can I just go ahead now and admit that these are my actions???  And these are my feelings?!?!?!  (Truly other people might have been involved -- and were even there at that time.  But my actions are my actions, correct?  I made my choices and now I have to live with the consequences.  And I really can't blame the victim for my own desperation, now, can I?  So, in what ways am I minimizing, denying or totally underestimating the possible impact of my actions?  And why was I trying to blame my actions on someone else?  Was I trying to blame the victim because the Victim wasn't doing what I wanted her or him to do at that time?  Or was I trying to be a martyr?  Was I hoping someone might feel sorry for me?  What good would that do anyway?

• >>> >>> Effects: #1. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on me?

• >>> >>> Effects: #2. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on my partner or on the victim?

• >>> >>> Effects: #3. What was / or could be the impact of my actions on the other people around me, such as my kids, or other innocent by-standers, or even the Police?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #1. What was / or could be the impact of my past experiences with violence on me and what I did here?  How has my past influenced what is happening now?  For example, if I have some trauma, how did that impact what I did here?

• >>> >>> Past Violence:  #2. What was / or could be the impact of my past violent actions against my partner or my victim?  If I had hurt my partner before, what was this event like for her or him?

• >>> >>> Possible Solutions, Non-Controlling Behaviors and Preventive Strategies: What are some examples of non-controlling behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did this time?  How might I have solved or prevented this situation from happening in the first place?  (Hint: I could have focused on controlling only myself.  And then I could have looked for possible win-win solutions [And remember, it's not a "Win" for your partner unless your partner feels like it is a win).  

• Think about it: "What was the problem as I saw it -- on the face of it -- right at that time?"  
•   And now consider what are some examples of non-controlling and non-violent and non-intrusive behaviors that I could have used instead of what I did?

• Now, think for just a few minutes more. Consider the fact that the Control Log Process is largely just a thought process.  It's a way of thinking...... in advance of our behaviors.  It can be a very helpful way of thinking.  It's just a few steps in our Thought Process that can save us lots of trouble.

• So Remember, the Basic Control Log Steps include: 
1. Getting real about what is going on and what I think I want or need to happen right Now.
2. Consider my actions, my intentions, my beliefs, and my feelings. 
3. Ask yourself: Am I taking accountability for my actions here, or am I trying to minimize, deny and blame what I am doing on someone else?  And most of all, Am I really being me here?  Am I being my genuine self?  Or am I just going through the motions again?
4. What are the effects and impacts (or possible effects and impacts) of my prospective actions on myself and on others -- especially the ones that I say that I love?
5. How does my past violence play a role here; 
6. And finally, how could I possibly do this differently that would include non-violence, prevention and solutions instead of what happened before?

• Now: How might it have helped this situation if I had completed a Control Log Process -- or at least went through these Control Log steps (above) in my head before taking any further action?  I might have averted the crisis all together.  

• And remember: It's important to know that nobody's perfect.  But having a plan and some skills such as the Control Log Process can really make a heck of a difference in a difficult situation.  The ultimate goal of a Control Log is to help me realize that if I am doing pretty good i might even be perhaps lucky enough to be able to control myself; I might be able to realize and accept that I really have no reason to try and control anyone else...

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your CONTROL LOG Worksheet! ***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.

*** Also, please Click Here complete your Session Feedback Form for today's Session.

And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       

 

* Please Click Here to Work on Another Treatment Plan. *

 You may Click HERE for a Refresher on Taking Time Outs.

*** Please Click Here to Complete the 

Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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Discussion Questions about the Control Log Process:

1. Can you please describe a situation where doing a control log might have helped you?

2. If you were handling such a situation now, what might you do?

Sources: 

• Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation  (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
• Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
• Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
• Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
• Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House, Dorset.
• Road-Mapping Situations.
• For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.

(Originally Posted April 5, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

After-Care Planning for a Successful End to DV-Related Thinking, DV-Type Behaviors & DV-Related Charges

  No Matter WHERE a person is in Domestic Violence Offender Treatment; it is a great place to begin thinking: "What am I going to do in order to be absolutely sure that this never happens again???"

  In Domestic Violence Treatment, we plan for After-Care from Day one.  Because the real test of a person's DV treatment success will be whether or not he or she is able to maintain a violence-free Lifestyle after he or she completes DV treatment.  The extra-credit portion of that test comes in the form of being better able to have healthy and fulfilling relationships.

  Hence, while our completion of DV Treatment may or may not be close; we are going to be talking about how to do an After-Care Plan.  And we will also be completing an After-Care Plan Draft as the Worksheet for this Week's Topic.

  Sustained progress in life -- a life free of DV-type behaviors and free of DV-related charges, typically requires a commitment to a violence-free lifestyle, careful aftercare planning, and continuing to be a life-long learner in terms of having healthy relationships.

  AFTERCARE PLANNING is the act of planning for how one will care for himself or herself after treatment is completed so as to never again commit DV-type behaviors and therefore never again end up with a DV-related charge. Hence, the overall question is: 

  Think about this: Have I developed an Aftercare Plan that could help me do the following?

A. Continue to be fully accountable for my previous DV Offense? 

B. Continue to heal from my previous DV Offense? 

C. Do I have the tools it will probably take to have satisfying, healthy, rewarding and safe relationships?

D. Am I committed to life-long learning about how to have healthy relationships?  and

E. Continue to make changes to my life that will help me better prevent DV-type behaviors and offenses in the future? 

   Having successfully commenced DV Treatment and made some progress; it is time to plan for long-term progress.  It is time to re-shape parts of one's life such that no matter what comes up; DV-type Thinking, Feeling and Behaving is out of the question.   

   Here, take a look at the following questions and think about how you might answer them.  Some Questions to consider as you move along successfully could include:

1.  "What effect has this domestic violence offender treatment program had on my life?

2.  What changes have I noticed about myself, my relationships, my lifestyle, or your attitudes from when I first started treatment until now?

3.  What did I learn about the cycle of violence?  If I get into a bad cycle, I can recognize it and get off of the cycle in a healthy way.

4.  What are the consequences of violence for everyone involved?  When I think of my offense; what were the consequences?  Nobody wants to see that happen again.  Right?

5.  How do I NOW, communicate with my partner and express my feelings?  Do I find that my communications are healthier?

6.  Describe the steps I use when taking a “time out”?  What about the steps one might use to take a Stop-Breathe and Focus break -- or -- Breathing Exercises.

7.  What do I take responsibility for in my specific domestic violence incident?  

8.  What are my major goals in my personal relationships?  What would I like to see change in a positive way in my relationship(s)?  (3 or more)

9.  What have I done to make amends to the victim -- or to the community or the world (as it were)?

10. What are some alternatives or options I have to acting out violently? (activities, relaxation exercises, meditations, planning, time outs, and better choices etc.)

11. Who are the people that I rely on to help me understand my thoughts and feelings?  Talk about how they are supportive to me.  It is important to have a support system.  

12. Name three general attitudes, feelings or ways of thinking, or patterns of cognition that I plan to hold in order to keep me from ever again committing DV-type behaviors or being charged with a DV-related offense.  

13. Describe what it means to me to become a Life-Long Learner about how to have healthy relationships?  What can I learn in the future?  How can I learn more?

14. How would I roadmap a difficult situation? 

15. List 2 Sources of positive energy or helpful information that I can turn to in helping maintain my violence-free life -- especially in a pinch.  Who or what is totally able to distract me from making bad decisions in relationships?

16. List 3 supporting people I can turn to for help should I be challenged in maintaining my violence-free life?  People I can trust to talk me out of it. 

(Some Aftercare Planning Questions, Courtesy of SLVBHG)

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your Aftercare Planning Worksheet *** 

^^^ PLEASE ALSO COMPLETE This Personal Change Plan this week. ^^^

Sources: 

(Original DVTPA by Davies and Associates.  The Present DVTPA is adapted.)

(Some AFTERCARE PLAN Questions by SLVBHG)

(Originally Posted, Sept. 21, 2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY

  Sometimes, our differences or arguments get to where someone might feel like she or he cannot think straight.  And one might even start feeling cues telling one that they are angry and might just act out.  When angry, it is a great time to take a break. When I feel my Anger Cues it is time. (Question: What are your cues?  How do you know if you are angry?)

 When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a time out; or whether to simply do this stop, breathe and focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a time out.  
  Otherwise, stop, breathe, focus, relax, reflect and choose wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a time out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.
Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely is just that.  
  First, I need to decide whether or not I can stay in this same room or situation for the time being and start to focus without going to the other room.  Or if I can go into the other room without any problems anyway.  The bottom line is whether or not I can stay in this room without doing or saying something that I might regret later.
  When the tension has built up to a level where one might lose one's temper and say or do something that they will later regret, it is time to do this.  If/When I get to a point where I might do something destructive I can do the following exercise instead.
  I can quietly and respectfully withdraw from the conversation or the interaction -- while still in the room or while not in the room.  But if I stay in that room, I need to be careful that I don't irritate the other person by occupying myself with a cell phone or something, or just being disrespectful/
  The best thing -- if possible -- Is probably just to have active listen.  If this doesn't work or if the tension doesn't de-escalate, then I can walk calmly to a place where I can sit down and relax quietly and away from all the noise and other people.  And I can begin to do this exercise that will help me feel much more in control of myself; while also feeling less anxious, less angry, and feeling less of a need to act out or to say something that could cause more problems.
  Whereas a time out is a very effective way to prevent DV Behaviors, it takes 4 hours to do; whereas this technique (stop, breathe, focus, relax, reflect and choose wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  
  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe -- Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my butt.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to relax and breathe as you do this -------   
• And reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as stop, breathe and focus, rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

  Remember, the smartest thing one can do in many of these types of situations is to listen.
  Just sit down, shut up (unless asked a question), and listen carefully at what is being said.    This is not about giving your partner the silent treatment.  Basically, this is about stopping the competition between you.

Try to Remember the words of President John F. Kennedy: 

“Our most basic common link is that we all inhabit this planet. We all breathe the same air. We all cherish our children's future. And we are all mortal.”

  Pay attention to your partner.  How is your partner feeling right now?

When talk about your feelings and thoughts, use "I" statements.

  How is she or he feeling about this?   
  Accept how they are feeling.  Be compassionate.
  Listen.  There is no requirement to win something against your partner in such a situation.
  After all, this is a partnership right?  
  In partnerships, BOTH people should win at the same time.

*** PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK TO COMPLETE YOUR 

STOP BREATHE FOCUS RELAX REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY WORKSHEET ***

(Originally published 6/3/2020)

 

(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).