Clearly Patience is a Virtue and is probably one of the best strategies to help avoid a crisis or DV; however, lots of us need more than just patience.
Sure, you might think this is silly. But an Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit can mean the difference between a Successful, Happy and Healthy Relationship; and Miserably Failed Relationship with the possibility of another DV Charge. So Ask yourself:
- Do I take Domestic Violence Seriously?
- Do I want another Domestic Violence - Related Offense?
- Am I NOW Completely Done with Domestic Violence in My Life?
- Am I Committed to Preventing Domestic Violence in my life in the future?
- Am I ready to Eliminate my Domestic Violence-Type Thinking?
- Am I ready to Change my Domestic Violence-Type Feelings?
- Am I ready to find better, non-violent ways of Preventing DV in My Life?
Think about it. What Would I Do To Avoid Another DV Offense:
- What would I do if I think my partner is not being very responsible with money?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if I was intoxicated and my partner physically attacks me?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if I feel that my partner is being an emotional bully to me?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully them or I am acting like a bully right NOW?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually everything -- every possible solution that I can think of seems to be abusive?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- What would I do if I heard that the Victim Advocate is trying to get in touch with the victim / who happens to be my partner?
- What would you say? What would you do?
What Would You Do To Prevent Another DV Offense?
- Let's say, You were living with your child (age 7) and your partner refused to quit drinking or using drugs?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, You are pretty sure that your partner is having an affair with someone at work and your partner has left their cell phone on the dresser while they are in the shower?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, You are standing in the living room with your partner. And your 5-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch watching cartoons. Your partner starts an argument that is likely to get loud.
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, Your partner tells you that s/he is leaving you and that s/he is taking the kids and that you will never see them again?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, Your partner’s Ex calls to speak with him/her on the phone. You rudely ask “why” and he/she says “It’s personal.” (And They don’t even have kids together.)?
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, Say you and your partner just had a really awful fight and there was disrespect as well as threats to leave.
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, Your partner tells you that they have close friends of the opposite sex and they have no intention of dumping them.
- What would you say? What would you do?
- Let's say, Your partner is intoxicated and you have been arguing. They take the keys and the baby and head toward the car saying they are leaving.
- What would you say? What would you do?
>>> What would you say or do? What would I do if faced with this situation or a situation that is just as challenging.
My theory is that DV Trouble often happens due to a decision made at this point... So what we want to do is figure out how to make a much better decision than I did when I got into trouble. And that's not always easy. But it's doable.
It starts with a willingness to think critically... to be willing to second-guess assumptions that one already has. <<<
Now -- Answer the question: Why do you think or feel that the solutions that you thought of here might be the best solution(s) for you at this time?
- It goes deeper than just Behavior though, right?
- It is more than just thoughts, right?
- It is also about feelings, Right?
So we put all that together... and that's what we are working on in order to prevent DV. There's a lot to this.... Relationships are complicated aren't they?
The first step could be to learn about your DV Cues:
DV Cues are feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, notions, inspirations and other influences that tell you that it is time to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.
Remember:
>>> DV Cues can be Dangerous!!! -- Very Dangerous -- Especially if ignored!
- How do I know when I am in Danger of DV Happening?
- Ask Yourself: What are my DV Cues?
- But YOU CAN STOP YOUR DV CUES from getting you into Trouble.
- The First Step is to figure out What your DV CUES are. (So what are some of your DV Cues?)
A DV Prevention Emergency Toolkit is an Excellent Compliment to Understanding Our DV Cues:
What is in a DV Emergency Toolkit? You tell me: What are some things that can help you prevent DV in your life -- besides making really good choices about who you are going to be with? Sure, we all have frustrations; but sometimes we tend to blow them up -- way out of proportion. Then we get into trouble. And at those times, we also tend to NOT think very clearly.
This Toolkit is about reminding ourselves about what to do in such times, so that we do not end up blowing things way out of proportion.
A Domestic Violence Prevention Emergency Toolkit is something that you put together in order to help you STOP your DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Thinking. And this will be in order to avoid DV-Type Behaviors.
And the Best time to stop it is before it starts.
But if it starts, that's also a great time to stop it.
A good DV Emergency Toolkit might start with a list -- Like a LIST of Ideas, Things and Supports that help you avoid DV.
What are some behaviors or things you can use to STOP DV when you think or feel it's about to happen?
These things might include the following:
- Be very careful who you are involved with.
- Find ways to Reduce your own stress level. without Alcohol or other Substances.
- Stay sober. (We know that alcohol and drugs can increase the possibility of DV -- as well as the possibility of getting arrested should a confrontation happen.)
- Learn how to use Stop breathe and focus.
- Be Creative (Draw a picture, Write a Poem, Take a Photo / Edit a Photo, Hum a tune... especially a new tune that you are making up as you go...).
- Practice your Anger Management Skills.
- Do Deep Breathing Exercises -- Mediate if if helps you think more clearly.
- Study the Possible Risk Factors for Domestic Violence. Learn what your Risk Factors are for DV. Reverse your Risk Factors for Recidivism (in order to reduce your risk of Re-Offense).
- Go to work. Get a job... Or at least go and do some Volunteer Work. Stay productive. Stay busy.
- Be nice to EVERYONE you meet --- on purpose. Watch their reactions. Let it nourish your soul.
- Research about the Importance of Trust in Relationships. Are you really TRUSTing your partner? Are they really trusting you? Make a List of Reasons why you could trust your partner. Make a List of Reasons why your your partner should trust you.
- Go Shoot some baskets; Volleyball, Tennis or some other sport. Work out. Walk around the Park.
- Take one day at a time. Try to let tomorrow alone for a while.
- Let go of things you cannot control. Just try to let them go!
- Consider the potential victim's rights. -- Think before you act.
- Practice your Right to remain silent; especially if your silence is not hurtful to your partner.
- Try to be Helpful to your partner.
- Separate from your partner for the day. You don't even have to tell them you are doing this. Just take a day to yourself.
- Get Couples counseling (If this is currently permitted for you. Current DV Offenders in DV Treatment are not allowed to do this per the D.V.O.M.B.)
- Promise yourself to never be violent.
- Watercolor. Color outside the lines ON PURPOSE.
- Study up on the Philosophy of Nonviolence (Read MLK, Gandhi, Cesar Chavez, The Bible, The Gita, The Torah, The Koran).
- Choose equality over power and control. Learn about both and start identifying where both appear in your life.
- Commit to Accountability. Commit to being Accountable.
- Keep in mind; It may be Better to separate briefly, now; than to do so permanently later.
- Let it go. Turn it over to a higher power. Pray if it works for you or makes you feel better. Or take some quiet time to yourself.
- Focus on controlling yourself rather than controlling your partner.
- Catch yourself... and then Stop monitoring your partner (never look at her/his phone, her/his private journals, or her/his private belongings). Never spy on your partner. Just don't do it.
- Learn about what LOVE really is. Look it up. Google "LOVE". Review your feelings about what Love Is after you read about it. Now that you know what Love is; Try to figure out: Do you really LOVE this person? (Are you sure..... Is this really Love?)
- Listen to some Music; or Play some Music. (Sometimes, Music without words is best in that it might help one think peaceful thoughts.)
- Do an Art Project to relieve Stress. Do some Finger-painting.
- Do some Grounding Exercises. Google: Grounding Exercises!
- Try to View your situation through your partner's eyes. If you were her or him, what would you want you to do at this point in time?
- Try to View your situation through your children's eyes. If you were them, what would you want you to do at this point?
- Learn that if you are in a Healthy Relationship, you don't ever NEED to prove that you are right when it comes to your partner.
- Try to Stop making assumptions. Stick to what you know. Learn the FACTS.
- Quit interrogating your partner about where she or he was, where he has been or who else was there. Remember: Jealousy can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.
- Quit judging your partner.
- Learn about what Intimacy really is. int: it's not always about sex. Think along the lines of a sense of Equality, Trust, Respect, Altruism, Humanism, and Fairness... etc..
- Write a Poem or write a Song.
- Put things into perspective. Get professional Help -- Call Someone who can help you.
- Remember: You can eventually attract more flies with honey than with vinegar -- if you want flies. So Be NICE to everyone! No, this does not mean you should return to a your partner while they are being abusive to you.
- Realize that While you MUST NEVER try and control your partner; you do need to control yourself. You should try to control yourself enough to keep from causing harm to others or to yourself.
- Study up on what being Psychologically "Healthy" looks like. Are you in touch with your emotions? How do you really feel? Spend some time figuring that out.
- Let go and let Your Higher Power or God or Allah or the Lord Buddha do what ever needs to be done.
- Never fight. (Once you disrespect your partner; You are fighting) -- Never call her or him names.
- Learn how to Apologize with Sincerity -- and then Follow it through.
- Do not speak to your kids about problems with your partner.
- Practice ways to De-Escalate a heated argument. Remember to Sit down. Be quiet. And Listen carefully. But never sit there and abuse them or be abused by them.
- Accept that our Lives as Humans are constantly changing. And that we cannot (and in some cases, should not) try to control the changes but so much. Study the phenomenon of CHANGE.
- Encourage your partner to think for themself. Respect his or her Reality. Value her / his point of view -- especially if it's different from yours'.
- Avoid Catastrophizing the situation by Threatening to Break-Up. Do not threaten to leave or to do harm to yourself or to anyone else. If you want to leave, then do it. But don’t force yourself to do it today. Don’t do it when you are angry.
- Take a Walk. Walk your pet(s). Walk around with your kid(s). Walk alone.
- Go Fishing. Go Birding.
- Go to a Self-Help Meeting if there is one that is available and covers what you need. Try Codependents Anonymous, or Alanon, or ACOA, or AA or NA.. Or Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Over-Eaters Anonymous. They're available on the Internet too. Try Googling them.
- Build something. Fix something. Make something. Create something with your hands.
- Do Something that makes you feel whole and confident.
- Remember, it's never too late to learn new Coping Skills for Preventing negative moments in a relationship.
- Plant a garden.
- Above all; promise yourself that you will be RESPECTful to EVERYONE the Whole Time -- No matter how angry you feel.
- Send yourself a Text or an Email with a list of ways you can prevent DV in your life.
- Be open to making good changes in your life.
- Be open to making healthy changes to how you think about things, how you feel about things, and how you do things...
- Always be willing to learn something new that could help improve your life and/or your relationships.
- And finally, be PATIENT.
BEST ANSWER: SERENITY --
- Accept the things that you cannot change.
- (In time) change the things that you can.
- And strive to know the difference between what you can change and you cannot change.
*** Please Click Here to Complete
your Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit Worksheet. ***
(Originally Posted 8/2/2021)
Sources:
-- Many Sources are cited above. Please press the HyperLinks to see the Sources.
(Originally posted, 11/26/2020)
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
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