In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen. Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out. Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.
If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed? Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?
Why Time Outs?
Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop potentially-abusive behavior before it becomes abusive behavior.
Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV - Type of Incident before it becomes a DV Offense.
Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV victim from getting attacked before she or he gets hurt.
*** And Time Outs are probably the most effective way to stop a potential DV Offender from becoming a DV Offender. ***
In Short: Time Outs are a VERY GOOD THING!!!
And it is most important to remember that a Time Out does not happen until one actually takes a Time Out. In order to benefit from Time Outs, one needs to take a Time Out.
A Time Out should be taken at any time that a person feels that they are about to become Violent, whether it is going to be Physical Violence, Verbal Violence, Sexual Violence, Emotional Violence Psychological Violence, Social Violence, Electronic or Cyber Violence, Financial Violence, Parental Alienation, Ostracizing, Intimidation, Coercion, Threats, or even Passive-Aggressive Violence.
Time Outs can be a great tool that one can use to avoid any kind of Violence.
A Time Out is when one immediately takes himself or herself out of the situation (or is taken out of the situation immediately in order to avoid committing or continuing violence toward others or even towards one's self).
Violence is a horribly negative energy that people (and animals) sometimes put out into the World either directly or indirectly. Violence tends to hurt or even kill people or animals or destroy things and it is generally destructive. It is just that simple.
Over the past 30 years, the U.S. Government (and other Governments) have begun to address Domestic Violence with legal sanctions such as Jail Time, Prison, Probation, Treatment Aimed At Prevention, as well as making it easier for couples to immediately separate and divorce in order to to be safe.
When Should One Take A Time Out?
If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind. Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.
One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent.
When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act. It is time for a Time Out.
How does One Take a Time Out?
Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available. For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion):
Things to do when Taking a Time Out:
- 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
- Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
- Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
- Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
- Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
- Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
- Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
- Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
- Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
- Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
- Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
- When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
- If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'
Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out:
- 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out. She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
- Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals. Just leave.
- Don't act abusively toward anyone.
- Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right. Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
- If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
- Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
- Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
- Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
- Don't return home too early.
- Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
- Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
- Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
- Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.'
Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session. Thank you. And have a nice day.
And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.
(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)
Discussion Questions:
How do I identifying my Red Flags?
How to do Road-mapping a situation?
How to do a Control Log?
How will my Partner know if I am taking a Time Out or what it is?
Richie Cole, Ph.D., LMFT, of Radical Counseling & Consultation (Possibly formerly of the Domestic Abuse Center).
Rules for Taking Time Outs According to Dr. Daniel Sonkin.
Info about Control Logs may be found in "Education Groups For Men Who Batter, The Duluth Model"; Pence & Paymar, 1993, Springer Publishing Company, Inc.
Control Log: http://nomsintranet.org.uk/roh/official-documents/Domestic%20Abuse%20Workbook%20final.pdf
Morran, D. and Wilson, M. (1997). Men who are Violent to Women; A Groupwork Practice Manual. Russell House,
Dorset.
Road-Mapping Situations.
For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.
Road-Mapping Situations.
For Info Regarding Parental Alienation, Click Here.
(Originally Posted 2020)
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
First Published 5/18/2020, Dr. Beverly.
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