Accepting the Repercussions and/or our Consequences for DV-related Thinking and Behavior

THIS IS A DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR COPY

Recognizing and Accepting the Repercussions and/or our Consequences for things that we have to do, or may experience due to our DV-Type Thinking and / or our DV-Type Behavior.

According to The DVOMB Core Competencies: 

H. Acceptance --

  Behavior has / should have consequences  

1. Identify the consequences of our thinking 
2. Identify the consequences of our behavior, and
3. Recognize that abusive behavior is or was a choice, it is or was intentional & and it is or was goal oriented

Consequences:  

  Consequences can be good or bad.  

  Our Thinking can bring consequences.  

  And Our behaviors can bring consequences.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to what we think, or what we don't think.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to how we think, or how we don't think.

 Are basically things that happen (we think) in relation to what we do, or what we don't do.

For example: 

If I do all my homework, I might get a good Grade.

If I do not do all my homework, I might not get a good Grade.

Some view Consequences as a Form of Punishment.

Others view Consequences as an opportunity to make changes that will help you.

Consequences can also be viewed as a deterrent... to keep you from doing things that you should not do.

One of the challenges with DV -related consequences these days is that many persons with DV Offenses, had no idea at the time that they could end up with the consequences that they got for their DV Offense.

Consequences for Men and Women are not always equal (albeit they they might be equitable).

For example, a 16 year old an d10 year old are hangin out on a Fridy ngiht.  

They start drinking,, adn throwing rocks at cars.

The connsequences may be very different, but still equitable.

BACK TO THE COMPETENCY:

The DVOMB Suggests the following:

We must accept that behavior has / should have consequences

We must Identify the consequences of our thinking,

We must Identify the consequences of our behavior, 

Recognize that our behavior was abusive (It was a form of abuse, no doubt: Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Economic, Social, Digital, Sexual, Using Children, Spiritual, Isolation / Jealousy and Control, Intimidation, Coercion and Threats).

Recognize that our abusive behavior is or was a choice,

Recognize that our abusive behavior is or was intentional,

Recognize that our Abusive behavior is or was goal oriented.  

You Would Like To Have A Healthy Relationship, Right? Ever Seriously Consider Equality -- In-Depth?

  If you would like to have a healthy relationship, you should probably start from a point of equality -- somehow.  

  Equality may be defined as: “The state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.”   

  When it comes to DV, the concept of Gender Equality may also be pertinent.  Gender Equality may be thought of in terms of: "Equal treatment of women and men in laws and policies, and equal access to resources and services within families, communities and society at large.  

  As well as in terms of Gender Equity," or "Fairness and justice in the distribution of benefits and responsibilities between women and men. Programs and policies that specifically empower women are often needed to achieve this".   

  According to conventional wisdom in Domestic Violence Prevention, healthy relationships should -- at the very least -- exist and/or operate within a context of Equality between partners.
And this sense of Equality is theoretically enabled through the following behaviors and/or attitudes (as highlighted on the Equality Wheel from the Duluth Model): 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors

•       Respect

•       Trust and Support

•       Honesty and Accountability

•       Responsible Parenting

•       Shared Responsibility

•       Economic Partnership

•       Negotiation and Fairness  (see Duluth Equality Wheel)

*** Tiffany explains the Equality Wheel.

What NOT TO DO:

  Don't use Power and Control.  When considering these aspects of the Equality Wheel, contrast them with their corresponding aspects of the Power & Control Wheel, such as:

                           Intimidation

Emotional Abuse

Isolation

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming

Using Children

Economic Abuse

Male Privilege

Coercion and Threats

Let's Take A Deeper Look at The Equality Wheel!  

  Think about it: What does Equality Look Like In A Relationship?

    (Do you we this in our relationships?)

***The Equality Wheel -- A Different Perspective***

 (It's kind of like Doing to Others as you would have them do to You.)

  These attitudes or behaviors can have many different meanings to different people.  For the purpose of this project, we will view them in the following ways: 

•       Non-threatening Behaviors:  Means talking and acting so that she/he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things.  Reassuring your partner can be really helpful.

•       Respect:  Means "Listening to her (or him) non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing opinions.  Means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.  This would include "An ability to listen respectfully to the words and ideas of your partner without offering an opinion (good or bad) about what she/he says.  An ability to allow your partner to do what she/he wants with whomever she/he chooses without trying to control it, put a stop to it, or punish for it."

•       Trust and Support:    Means "Supporting her goals in life.  Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions."  Trust may also be viewed as "A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something" (Google Dictionary).  Support is means: "To help maintain your partner by providing her/him with emotional, tangible, and/or instrumental support at times when she/he is willing to accept it.

•       Honesty and Accountability:   Means  "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence.  Admitting being wrong.  Communicating openly and truthfully."

•       Responsible Parenting:  Means "Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

•       Shared Responsibility:   Means "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together."

•       Economic Partnership:    Means "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

•       Negotiation and Fairness:   Means "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting changes. Being willing to compromise."  Fairness may be defined as: "The state, condition, or quality of being fair, or free from bias or injustice; even handedness.”  Note: A "Fair" solution is not considered complete until both (or all) parties are satisfied. 

>>> But what if I'm not already doing all of these things in my Relationship?  

 >>> But what if my partner (or Ex-) is not already doing all of these things in our Relationship?

>>> So what might be a solution for that?  Might I be strong enough of a partner to go ahead and do these things for my own satisfaction; rather than waiting for my partner to do so first?

   *** Could it be that the best way for me to get my partner to treat me as an Equal; is to Treat her or him as an Equal?  It's that easy, right?  Maby not... but  it can work; if you work it.  One day at time.  If you cannot do it today; then try again tomorrow. It might take some time and effort... and patience and a whole lot of forgiveness... But we can do it!!! Right??? ***

  So What does it look like when a couple is treating each other with the values that are proposed on the Equality Wheel?

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and

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         Please note: Several Concepts (above) were described with help from other unnamed sources.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Having Compassion for the Effects of Domestic Violence

*** DRAFT POST -- 

PLEASE DO NOT COPY or PRINT THIS POST ***

  Let's talk about Compassion and Domestic Violence.

One could speculate that When Domestic Violence happens, there is probably at least a temporary lack of Compassion somewhere in the relationship between the two people.

  The Core Competency D, which is about "Empathy" states the following: 

 D. Empathy

   1. Recognize & verbalize effects (of the offense) on victim.   

   2. Recognize & verbalize effects (of the offense) kids & family.

   3. Offers compassion w/out turning attention on self.

In What Ways are Victims Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• Feelings hurt.
• Might make them start feeling insecure.
• Might make them Depressed or Anxious -- or Traumatized.
• Might make them Homeless.
• Cause Physical Injury.  (And many other things).
• The victim might lose their job due to absences.

In What Ways are the Kids and the Family Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• Might have to move away from home and their friends too.
• It could traumatize them.
• They might have to change schools and school friends too.
• Kids might end up with related Mental Health Issues like Depression and Anxiety.
• Kids might not get to see one (or both) of their parents for a long time.
• Kids might have to go without their old possessions, toys, books and their old assets, like favorite teachers or neighbors.

In What Ways are Extended Family and Third Parties Sometimes Impacted by Domestic Violence"

• The family members or Friends might be embarrassed.
• Family members and Friends might get involved and get injured too.
• Family members might and Friends might have to help clean up the mess... like physically, financially, or even by just having to take care of the kids for a couple of weeks. 
• Family members and Friends might have to deal with the HATE.

  In some cases, one can help prevent DV from happening.  And if so, many of the problems listed above would never happen...

  But in other cases, nobody can prevent it.  Because the abuser keeps on abusing, and the victim just keeps going back.

  And every time the victim goes back to the abuser; there is a chance that there will be more abuse.

  And as the abuse continues; there are greater possibilities of more serious and more physical injuries to the victim and to the family.

  Sometimes, it's just too late to prevent the abuse.  The abuse has already happened, and one can only have Compassion.

 So What is Compassion?  

  "Compassion may be defined as: “Sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” (Oxford).

 “Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering. Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related” (Greater Good Magazine).

“While empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person, compassion is when those feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. Altruism, in turn, is the kind of selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion” (Greater Good Magazine).

Another Source writes: “While there is no single all-encompassing definition of compassion, it is generally understood to be a response to the suffering of another person."

"The kind of suffering we're responding to could be a variety of things ranging from physical, emotional or mental pain brought on by anything from disease to injury to a general dissatisfaction with life. The cause of the discomfort may come from external or interpersonal events, real or imagined. In any case, it is our care or concern for the person suffering that is considered compassion.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

What are the Different Types of Compassion:

“Compassionate Responses

As mentioned, there are many interpretations of compassion, focusing on different aspects of our response to suffering. One way to categorize different types of compassion is by the varying focus of our response, including our feelings, actions, concerns, and intentions:

empathic compassion: focusing on feeling the emotions experienced by the person who is suffering.

action compassion: focusing on actions that attempt to relieve physical and emotional pain.

concerned compassion: concern for the person who is suffering, emphasizing the compassionate person’s motivation (a desire, urge, or feeling) to alleviate suffering.

aspirational compassion: Buddhists describe something somewhat different, a compassion that is more cognitive than emotional, an aspiration or intention.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

 

“Immediacy of Compassion

Compassion can also be distinguished by the immediacy of response: responding to the current or future anticipated suffering of someone.

 Proximal compassion: compassion to alleviate suffering felt right now. Proximal compassion is often closely tied with our current emotional state.

Example: listening empathically to a friend in distress.

Distal compassion: compassion to avoid suffering in the future.

Distal compassion often involves more cognition as it involves 2 components:

1. Recognizing the problem that lies ahead

2. Being willing to engage in actions necessary to avoid future suffering, even if it requires some sacrifices now

Example: telling your child to wear their helmet when riding their bicycle to avoid injury.”  (Paul Ekman Group).

"What are the benefits of compassion?

 The conversations between Dr. Ekman and the Dalai Lama have highlighted some philosophical questions regarding the nature of compassion and our motivations and intentions behind acting compassionately.

The Dalai Lama believes that unbiased compassion must be carried out in a manner that is detached from selfish motivation, however he has also acknowledged how compassionate actions can benefit ourselves as well.

Whether or not an action may be considered truly compassionate if it is also in some way self-serving, Dr. Ekman takes the stand that it is helpful to hold a perspective of enlightened self-interest, in which we consider the ways that helping others can also help ourselves. In that light, Dr. Ekman outlines three benefits of compassion:

1. It generates an intrinsically good feeling (compassion joy).
2. It can increase our self-regard; it supports a positive view of oneself, as well as a sense of well-being and purpose.
3. It can elicit the approval of others: when other people learn about the compassionate action, accidentally or by design, their regard for the compassionate person may be increased. In turn this acknowledgment and approval may elicit further enjoyment in the compassionate actor." (Paul Ekman Group, Source.)

Discussion Questions: 

What Is My Level of Compassion for My Victim (Then and Now)?

0-10 (0 = No Compassion at all); (10 = Tons of Compassion)?

What Is My Level of Compassion for The Other's Involved (Then and Now)?

0-10 (0 = No Compassion at all); (10 = Tons of Compassion)?

How would I describe my sense of Compassion related to all of the Victims in my offense?

*** UPCOMING TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL TRINIDAD & WALSENBURG DV Treatment Participants !!!

 *** UPCOMING Trinidad & Walsenburg SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** Important Information REQUIRED for ALL Walsenburg & Trinidad DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, July 24th, 2024 and 5:30p.m. -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

  IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday, July 24th at 5:30 

TRINIDAD COMMUNITY CENTER CONFERENCE ROOM

1309 BESHOAR AVENUE, Trinidad, CO 81082, Colorado

Exploring Our Motivations For Violence

* THIS IS A DRAFT.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY OR DISTRIBUTE WITHPUT PERMISSION. *

Violence comes in many forms: Physical, Verbal, Psychological, Emotional, Biological, Digital, Economic, Social, Emotional, Psychological, Indirect or Direct.

What Motivates a Person to act Violently: 

  Triggers, Fear, Anger, Pride, Ego, Our Surroundings or Circumstances, Jealousy, Envy, Bad Manners, Gangs, Revenge, To Build Confidence, and even Curiosity, Paranoia, Intoxication, To Further one's cause, Intimidation (Using violence to intimidate), Arguing in bad faith, or shutting the Internet Off / aka/ When one one's communication ability is cut off.

Two of the DVOMB's Core Competencies Related to This are:

F. Reduce patterns of control and power behaviors, beliefs and attitudes of entitlement

1. Recognize core beliefs

2. Identify specific forms of abuse and control

3. Demonstrate equality and respect in personal relationships

What are My Core Beliefs:

"“Core beliefs are the underlying ideas we hold about ourselves, others and the world. These ideas develop during childhood as you begin to use your relationships with caregivers and your own experience to interpret the world around you. From this learning and interpretation, you develop specific thoughts and rules that allow you to get your needs met.

 While in many cases these beliefs can be helpful, there are times when they can cause negative emotions. For example, it is has been suggested that those individuals who experience  symptoms of depression are more likely to have core beliefs that tell them that they are helpless and/or unlovable (McQuaid & Carmona, 2004). Those with anxiety are more likely to have beliefs that suggest that the world is an unsafe place. If you find that you are suffering from symptoms of depression and/or anxiety then it can be very helpful to examine what your core beliefs may be.

Identifying Core Beliefs

The first step in identifying problematic core beliefs is to first learn to identify those thoughts that are bouncing around in your head every day. We refer to these thoughts as automatic thoughts because they simply arise and pop into our heads without conscious thought.  (Source, Rowan Center).”"

So What are my Automatic Thoughts -- given a certain situation: 

  You get dropped off all the sudden in "Boys Town" .. out side of Nuevo Progresso, Tamaulipas, Mexico.. 

    What's you first thought / Automatic Thought: 

        Fearful, Not to get out of hand, Keep Calm... be respectful and have fun....  

  What are your automatic thoughts if you are at home on a Saturday night... and your wife is not home yet.. she said she was going out with friends.. and it's 3 a.m. at this point:

  What are your automatic thoughts:

       She's hiding something....   She's with someone else.. Going out and seeing somebody.. 

       Why do we automatically think this....???

   = = = = = = = =  = ********************** = = = = = = = = = = 

This week, we are looking at a different Competency: 

K. Understanding, identifying and managing our own pattern of violence

1. Acknowledge past/present violent/controlling/abusive behavior

2. Exploring our Motivation(s) for Violence

3. Understanding learned violence/explain to others

4. Stops violence before it happens (Preventing Violence).

  Just on the face of it, many might agree that Violence is often inspired by any of the following:

• Fear
• Upsetness / When someone is feeling down -- enough to hurt self or others or an object
• Stress
• Obsession
• Betrayal
• Disappointment
• Abandonment
• PTSD
• Shock
• Drugs / Intoxication
• Mental Health
• An act of any Congress
• Codependency
• Bad Relationships -- "You can take violence from your home out into the streets..."
• A sense of entitlement

Understanding LEARNED VIOLENCE:

  Where do we learn Violence:

• From Home / Violent Homes / Past Trauma / Foster Care / Group Homes / Gangs / TV / Movies / Music Lyrics / Pop Culture / Video Games / Police Officers / The News (War), Social Medical, The Bible, Some Religions

Alpha Dog... -- 

  To me, the most important parts of the above are what I would call the Roots of our Violence.  When I think about the Roots, I think about words such as:

Our Values, How we believe and Morals

Entitlement

Core Beliefs

Motivations for Violence (Are a Trigger and a Motivation the same?)

Understanding learned violence (Learned by observation, experience, and/or being subjected to it).

Preventing Violence

A deeper... Look: What is Abuse in the context of family relationships... ?

  We expect our kids to love us, want to be around us, to be loyal to the family, to respect us and to obey us..

  But what if they don't do some of that?  (This could cause lots of problems).

How do you "Put them in Check"?   (Punishment vs. Induction).   Induction / Alpha Dog... 

 Whereas other parents help change their child's ways with love.

  Therefore have a choice don't they???  Unfortunately some parents choose to abuse...

   

So what Motivates Violence....???  

  Motivators of Violence:  Fear, Anxiety, Ignorance, Stress, Frustration, Disappointment, Shock, Hate, Tragedy, Depression, Intoxication, Fear of Loss, Jealousy/Insecurity, Feeling unsafe, Being accused, Panic.

What are My Core Beliefs:  

  My Philosophy of Life -- While some people believe in Helping People, others believe in Teaching People, Still others believe in Controlling people, Some people even believe in ignoring people.   Each person gets to choose.  

   -- What I believe why I believe it... what's right and what's wrong... 

  My Morals -- What we believe is right and wrong..  Like about being a partner.. What should a partner be? (Loving, caring, understanding, appreciating, accepting, trustworthy, honest, loyal, self-sufficient, independent, very communicative

  My Values -- What do we value --- Hopefully our values support our morals and lead to our sense of morality.  I value happiness, honesty, having a lot of love in a relationship, trust, faithfulness, gratefulness, appreciation, humble, forgiving, 

  My Theory of behavior Management.  Induction...  Doing so without anger, yelling, hatefulness, stubbornness, no attitude, be sincere.

    +++++++++++++++

-------------------------------

But how do we get motivated To Do Violence?  

  We get set off, things accumulate over time, suppressing negative feelings, ...

  Some people just like doing violence.  Irritability.  

How do we get motivated to prevent violence?

  Mindfulness, consideration, understanding how to stop it, understanding the consequences of violence.  

  Realizing that if I don't change... I might lose important things and people...

  Being open to he possibilities.  

  Getting help when you need it.

  Having Faith can help.  Having Hope..

*** UPCOMING SAN LUIS VALLEY EMPATHY PANEL *** IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT for ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE VISTA DV Treatment Participants !!!

*** IMPORTANT Information REQUIRED for 

ALL ALAMOSA & MONTE Vista DV Tx Participants *** 

(For Wednesday, August 14th -- Save the DATE!!!)

DV SURVIVOR EMPATHY PANEL REFERRAL 

   IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR ATTENDEES 

Schedule available online at Intervention - SAVE (int-cjs.org) or call 303-902-8344. 

• Probation/Parole/Diversion Department referred clients will receive verification of attendance.  

• The fee is $50.00 payable upon entrance to the panel. MONEY ORDER ONLY! 

• Photo ID and your probation officer’s business card are required to attend.  

• Case Number:     

    Probation/Parole/Diversion Officer:      

• Space is limited due to fire codes, and it is a first come first served policy. 

• There is absolutely no late admittance.  

    Registration begins at 5:30pm and the panel starts at 6:00pm.  

    Program is approximately 60-90 minutes long. 

• Alcohol or illegal drug use is prohibited.  If use or possession is suspected you will not be allowed to attend, and your probation/parole/diversion officer will be notified. 

• No children or guests of attendees are allowed.  No tobacco use is allowed.  

• Attendees must sign a confidentiality agreement.  No recording is allowed. 

• Security may be present during the program.  Any disruptions will result in immediate expulsion and your probation/parole/diversion officer/treatment provider will be notified. 

• There is a fee of $25.00 for a replacement attendance verification form. 

• Please bring this form with you to the panel. 

• PANEL DATE and LOCATION: 

  Wednesday August 14, 2024 

  San Luis Valley Behavioral  Health Group 

  8745 County Road South Alamosa, Colorado

DENIAL: What Does Your Denial Look Like?

*** DRAFT POSTING *** 

PLEASE DO NOT COPY OR DISTRIBUTE 

*** THANKYOU ***

 The DVOMB Core Competencies states that every person with a DV Offense MUST do the Following:

"E. Accepts full responsibility for actions

 1. Disclose Hx of abuse

 2. Stop denial and minimization

 3. Increase in self-disclosure over time

 4. Accept responsibility for impact of abuse on others

 5. Recognize abusive behavior unacceptable"

  What are REQUIREMENTS?

    A Genuine Response versus a Pretend Response

  Denial can be a majorly simple concept.  However, the webs of Denial that our minds construct can be quite complicated.  Today, we are discussing these questions: 

What is Denial: 

AI Suggests that “In psychology, denial is a defense mechanism that causes a person to refuse to acknowledge or recognize objective facts or experiences. It's an unconscious process that can help people cope with difficult situations that might otherwise make them feel afraid, ashamed, depressed, or worried.” (SOURCE.)

Psychology Today and Very Well Mind suggest that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.” (SOURCE.)

Very Well Mind suggests that: “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.” (SOURCE.)

Oxford Reference suggests that Denial is: “a psychological process in which an individual refuses to accept an aspect of reality despite robust evidence of this. It is seen particularly in dying patients who refuse to accept their impending death and in those who have problems with alcohol or drug dependency.” (SOURCE.)

 

In Social Work, “Denial is a type of defense mechanism that involves ignoring the reality of a situation to avoid anxiety. Defense mechanisms are strategies that people use to cope with distressing feelings. In the case of denial, it can involve not acknowledging reality or denying the consequences of that reality.”

 

Harvard Health Publishing suggests that Denial involves the following:

“What is denial?

In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a change."

 

You can be in denial about something you're not ready to admit or take on, or something that challenges deeply held beliefs.

 

Common triggers for denial can involve

 

abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of abuse)

alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder

lifestyle or family issues

medical diagnoses

mental health issues

politics

smoking

unhealthy weight gain.

How does denial help us?

Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or ability to face a problem.

 

For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of being alone is worse than the thought of being together. Or perhaps someone is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capability for accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle right now," Scholl says.

 

How can denial hurt us?

In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.

 

For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block them from making meaningful change."

 

Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse. Those problems affect everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down from one generation to the next.

 

Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial

People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might

 

minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors

avoid thinking about problems

avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or blame them on someone else

refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are brought up. 

Moving from denial toward meaningful change

Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's causing it.

 

If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help. Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.

 

Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully

If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be dangerous to you or to the other person.

 

If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions," Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All you can do is plant a seed."” (SOURCE.)

 

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Getting Ahead Of Our Domestic Violence Behavior: Learning How To Think More Carefully Before We Wish We Had

Consider this Philosophical Proposition:

  Try not to allow the Epistemology around a significant Ontology to be colored or covered up by your (or anyone else's) sense of Morality.  

  In other words: When trying to determine What Something Is; try not to allow your vision to get distorted by What you think that Something Should Be. 

  Once we determine precisely What Is; there will probably be plenty of time to eventually determine What Should Be.

  Unfortunately, we don't always see WHAT IS, because quite often, we are instead too busy looking at what we want, or thinking about what we think should be. 

  Yes, What Should be can be an important thing especially in Relationships.  And many of us strive to manifest it on a daily basis.  And we also spend time trying to prevent What Should Not Be.

  However What Is, already Is; regardless of what should be.  What is may change over time; however, What Is; still exists until it exists no longer. 

  In regards to Relationships, perhaps we might think that "Relationships should never change or end."  However, because CHANGE is Constant; Many Relationships do end, and they also tend to Change.  They just do.  What Is, is that we sometimes feel that our Relationships Should NEVER CHANGE or END; However, Relationships tend to end (or at least they tend to change) over time.  And we can't always stop that -- can we?

  Further, it is a MORAL IMPERITIVE that before one can claim that a Relationship SHOULD BE; they really must know for sure that EVERYONE directly Involved in this Relationship, also believes that this Relationship SHOULD BE.  

  In other words, the way to have a Healthy and /or a Good Relationship is for BOTH Partners to WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP to happen.

  Although when Relationships are in the midst of Changing or Ending; we sometimes try to keep them from doing so; we often have to accept that this is beyond our control.  Hence, at times, it seems kind of crazy to try and stop a Change in a Relationship -- especially if we truly love someone. 

   If Love is the willingness to allow someone to be exactly who or what or how they are right now, and then right now... and so on and so on...; then If I LOVE someone and they decide to make a change; then why would I try to stop them -- unless of course this change could put them in danger?

  In other words; Sometimes, what we think SHOULD BE; is not always WHAT IS.

  I also propose that a great deal of Domestic Violence type thinking, feeling and behavior happens when one or both Partners in a Relationship are either trying to STOP a CHANGE in the Relationship; or they are trying to CREATE a CHANGE in the Relationship.  There is data that supports the idea that a great deal of DV happens within months of a break-up -- either before or after the break-up.

Dealing with Change in Relationships:

  CHANGE is Constant in Relationships.  People are ALWAYS Changing on various levels, including: Physical, Social, Psychological, Spiritual, Financial, Intellectual, Educational, Vocational, Physiological etc...  

  To many people CHANGE is a good thing.  But to others, it's not.  However, CHANGE still Happens.

  Further, a great deal of PAIN around Relationships comes and/or goes away seemingly in direct relation to the Changes in a Relationship.  However, some Changes also bring JOY.

Valuing and Prevention

  In order to understand something; we must first have a good sense of the FACTS.  We need to know What It Is.  And then we can figure out What it Should Be.  It also helps to have an idea about whether or not this phenomenon is something of value. 

 Typically, we need to know what something is before we know its value.  Only after we establish precisely what it is, can we know its VALUE; such as whether or not it is A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.  If it is a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is very valuable and it SHOULD BE.  But if it is NOT a GOOD Thing for all concerned; perhaps it is not very valuable, and it SHOULD NOT BE.  

  Speaking of Value, a wise person once said something to the effect of: "An ounce of Prevention is worth a pound of cure."  Hence, Prevention is worth more than Cure.  It's often smarter to prevent a mess; than it is to have to clean it up afterwards.  Hence, where should we put our efforts?

  Knowledge about something before it happens often gives us the power to more effectively prevent it; or shape it.  That is, if we have that much power.  After all, we cannot control that which we cannot control.  But working early to prevent something is a way to gain much-needed strength.  Prevention requires thinking.  Prevention can be as simple as taking a moment to examine the facts and think before we act.  

Thinking Before We Act:

  Just think; What might have happened in my DV Case, had I been ABLE AND WILLING to think more carefully and to consider BOTH What I WANTED TO HAPPEN and THE FACTS at some point before I did what I did?

  Many believe they were NOT Thinking prior to, or during their DV Offense.  However, the Human Brain regulates and monitors sensations and behaviors 24/7.  This requires either active thinking or passive cognitive processes.  We tend to do some form of Thinking almost 24 hours per day, every day.   Hence, it is almost certain that we were Thinking Before, During and After our DV Offense -- even if we were intoxicated or just highly emotional -- we were thinking at some time before that offense.  But, the catch is that we are not always aware that we are Thinking.  But still we are Thinking.  The better question would be; Were we thinking rationally at that time?  

  One problem is that we often forget to use our Logic when it comes to our Relationships.  We tend to go with our Feelings in Relationships instead.  And sometimes, that doesn't work out too good. 

  For example; if i was drinking or drugging while in this Relationship -- Prior to my DV offense -- a rational question could be: Did I consider the FACTS about the possible negative outcomes of drinking or drugging on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Probably not.  Yet a great deal of DV happens to involve Alcohol.  Hence, was it logical to be drinking or drugging while in this Relationship?    

  And the same goes for high emotion or high distraction.  If we are highly emotional or highly distracted, it is quite possible that we are going to make a poor choice, Right?  

  Or if I feel that much of the blame for my DV Offense lies in the hands of my Victim; Prior to my DV offense, did I consider the FACTS and probable outcomes of getting involved with a person like this on the possibility that I could some day be arrested for DV?  Is it Logical to get involved with a person who is dangerous for me?

  Perhaps we need to develop some techniques that will help us do a better job of thinking when it comes to Relationships.

Possible Steps for Thinking it Through -- Just Ideas.. not a Recipe:

  Consider these ten ideas -- Particularly in regard to your Relationships -- especially before they start and during challenging times and during endings. 

  The point is to learn to be more careful with our relationships through more sound decision-making.  None of us are necessarily going to follow all of the steps below.  But if we at least try to consider some of them, we might have some good results:

1. Stop -- Slow down - Take your time -- Think before you do it!  (As much as possible).

2. Be Clear with yourself about What YOU really Want -- What you want is what you think SHOULD BE.  Or at least think about what you DON'T want in a partner.  And you get bonus points if you can do this before you get too involved. 

3. Pay Attention to the FACTS as you go -- Get REAL CLEAR about WHAT IS.  Be honest with yourself about what you are seeing in front of you right now.

4. Think about whether or not there is a Possibility that you could influence a Change in this Situation (i.e., if you ask her out, will she go with you?).  (Remember, a change could be as small as calling your sweetheart, "Babe", instead "Honey" for a few months; or a Change could be as large as Starting or Ending a Relationship).

5. Before you make this Change, consider the possible OUTCOMES (Negative and Positive).  (Learn how to do a Cost-Benefit Analysis.  And be sure to consider your potential costs first).

6. Make a Decision To Act; or To NOT Act.  (Remember, it is often good to NOT Act unless you must).

7. If you still want to make this Change, then Make a PLAN for Action first.  (You can do this in your head even -- Roadmap the situation.  Get your Mission on.)

8. When you are ready, engage in your Action; making necessary Adjustments or additional Changes as needed;  (Hint;  Look back at Number 1... and consider the probability that most people might start here at Number 8, instead of at Number 1.  How might that influence the Outcome?)

9. Critically (Honestly) Assess your New Situation, and your Results -- Both Bad and Good (Think about it: Who Benefited from my actions?  Who Lost?  Was it a Good Thing for me?  Was it Worth It for Everyone Else?).

10. Either Continue moving forward, or wait for a while, or move backwards, or Stop the Action altogether.  (Sounds a lot easier than it is; right?)

 

 Moving Forward in a Smarter Way:  Complimenting the above steps... 

(EXTRA QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF):

  When presented with the opportunity to either pursue, begin, continue, modify, alter, change, or end a Relationship; carefully consider the potential costs and benefits before you act.  (Hint: Consider the possible COSTS first -- and repeat...).  

  Ask yourself the following Questions:

  1. What change am I presently thinking that I would like to make?  (And don't forget about the other changes that could probably happen; after I make this change?  (Can you say domino effect?) 

  2. Am I ready for the DOMINO effect changes as well?  Is my potential partner ready and willing for this change to happen? And How might these changes effect me and everyone else?)

  3. Why do I want to make a change regarding this situation?  Does this Need to happen or is it just something I want?  Furthermore, does it really need to happen right now?  Am I in Lust or am I in Love?

  4. How might this Change Impact Others?  How might this Change Impact me if it impacts others?  Is it worth the possible costs or the possible benefits?  

  4. Is this change truly within my grasp to where I could actually make my part of it happen?  (Consider that which you can control; versus that which you cannot control.  And remember, if you have to force something too much; you might just break it).

  5. If I start to try and make a change, what things could possibly happen then?  

 A. What negative things could possibly happen -- what are the Risk Factors?  

 B. What Positive things could possibly happen as a result of this change?  Is it            worth it? 

          1. If these things happen, who could be directly impacted either Negatively                        or Positively.

          2. Overall, who could be harmed by the possible impacts of this change?

          3. Overall, who could be helped by the possible impacts of this change?

 

Also Remember: If you feel a need to, you may ask these questions in an order different from the way they are presented above; or you may add questions or discard questions to ask yourself.  However, it is typically best to be as thorough as possible -- no matter what your method -- in order to avoid problematic or even dangerous outcomes.

A Curative Suggestion: Becoming a Life-long Learner can probably help

  Pay Attention.  Learn the differences between wishes and facts.  And Learn how to Question your own perceptions, thinking, feelings, plans, actions and evaluations -- hopefully, before it's too late.  

  Instead of trying to focus on the other person's mind and what they are thinking right now; make sure your own mind is clear about what you are thinking right now.

  Always be willing to ask yourself: What do I really know about this person who is sitting right here in front of me?

  And always be willing to learn something new -- especially when it's about someone or something that you think you already know.

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Music: "What is and What Should Never Be" by Led Zepplin

            "Call it Stormy Monday" by BB King

            "When the Rain Comes" By The Beatles

            "Sweet Melissa" By The Allman Brothers

            "Cruel to be Kind" By Nick Lowe

   Thank you.  And have a nice day.