Using Children as a Form of Domestic Violence During a Relationship; and/or Parental Alienation as a Form of DV After the Intimate Relationship is Over

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  Surely, any one of the forms of Domestic Violence as depicted on the various Power and Control Wheels can negatively impact children.  As sad as it is to admit; unfortunately, children are all too frequently exposed to these various forms of Power and Control.  

  Ideally, Responsible Parenting is what happens in a Healthy Family, even during difficult times; where the parents use the principles of Equality; rather than Power and Control when dealing with others.  In such families, the adults in the couple and the children tend to experience Non Threatening Behavior, Respect, Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, and Negotiation and Fairness.

 Obviously, this is better for the children, than to be raised in a Family where the Parents are frequently being disrespectful toward each other.  And this would be the ideal.  However, it does not always work out that way.  Not every couple is ready to share an Honorable Relationship;  

  Surely, anyone can see how each of the following Tactics could harm children; even if the target of the attack is the Mother or Father of these children; rather than the children themselves.  Using Children has been well-documented as a form of Domestic Violence.  For Male and Female Offenders, according to the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, Using Children includes the following types of abuse or tactics, which include:

• Making her or him feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass her or him.
• Threatening to take the children away.

  When looking over basic forms of Domestic Violence -- in addition to the segment on "Using Children" -- one can imagine there are plenty of opportunities to drag the children into the conflict(s) between their parents -- whether they are still together or separated.  Just look at this list and imagine what might happen to a child if one is doing this to their partner -- the mother or the father of a given child.  How is that child going to be impacted if this is happening to one or both of her or his parents?

• If one partner is Using Intimidation against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Emotional Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Isolation against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Minimizing, Denying and Blaming against the other partner
• If one partner is Using Children against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Economic Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Male (or Female) Privilege against the other partner, and / or
• If one partner is Using Coercion and Threats against the other partner.

  Please listen to this Explanation about "Using Children" from the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel Domestic Violence Intervention Programs.

VIDEO: Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

How does DV Impact Babies Children & Young People

  How might this type of abuse impact the children?  “Studies show that living with domestic violence can cause various problems for children growing up, including physical and emotional harm in the following ways:

• ongoing anxiety and depression
• emotional distress
• eating and sleeping disturbances
• physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches
• finding it hard to manage stress
• low self-esteem
• self-harm
• being aggressive towards friends and school mates
• feeling guilt or blame themselves for the violence
• having trouble forming positive relationships
• developing phobias and insomnia
• struggling with going to school and doing school work
• using bullying behavior or becoming a target of bullying
• difficulty concentrating
• finding it hard to solve problems
• having less empathy and caring for others (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children). 

  

Additionally, “Young people exposed to domestic and family violence are:

• more likely to suffer from depression
• more likely to be homeless
• more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors, and/or
• more likely to experience or use violence and be controlling and manipulative in relationships (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children).

Discussion: 

  Think about this for a moment: What do children learn under such circumstances?  What do you think?

  What is it like for a child to live in a home where there is Domestic Violence; even while their parents are actually still together?  

So How Does This Possibly Change After Abusive Parents Separate or Divorce?

  In some cases, Separation or Divorce is a good thing.  But in others, it doesn't always turn out to be good for the children.  More specific to the topic of Using Children and Parental Alienation, we take a look at this modified Duluth Power and Control Wheel that focuses on "Post-Separation" and emphasizes how children can be used during this period as weapons by one parent; against the other parent.  

  This particular Duluth Wheel is titled, "Post Separation Power and Control Wheel".  According to the "Post-Separation" wheel, the various types of Abuse -- as a continuation of Post-Separation Domestic Violence -- tend to also involve the Children, and they can include: 

• Using Harassment & Intimidation against the Ex-partner, 
• Undermining Her / His Ability to Parent, 
• Discrediting Her as a Mother / or / Him as a Father, 
• Withholding Financial Support for the Children, 
• Endangering the Children, 
• Disregarding the Children, 
• Disrupting Her / His Relationship with Her / His Children, and
• Using Physical & Sexual Violence Against the Mother / or / the Father & Children.

  This can happen within the context of Separation from the Abuser in a relationship where there has been: "Prior physical and sexual violence, coercive and controlling behavior against mother / father and children" (Source.).  And it can also happen as a byproduct of Separation or Divorce in cases where there has been no prior abuse of any kind.  

  Unfortunately, when a couple with children separate, the children sometimes get involved in and/or are impacted by the process in a very unhealthy way -- if not a dangerous way.  

What Is Parental Alienation and How Does It Relate? 

  One type of DV not specifically listed on the Duluth Power and Control Wheels is "Parental Alienation".  Parental Alienation however is somewhat alluded to on the Power and Control Wheels in the areas where they talk about using children, as well as in some of the other areas.

   In answering the question: What is Parental alienation?  Jennifer Harman (2016) wrote: "Parental Alienation involves behaviors that a parent does to hurt or damage a relationship between a child and the other parent" (Source.).  To that, she added: "Parental Alienation Syndrome, on the other hand, was coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985 and describes the ultimate outcome or impact of those behaviors on a child (Source.)."

  SIDE NOTE: The term “parental alienation” is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, which is a manual that offers a common language and standard criteria that mental health providers use to classify mental disorders). However, “child affected by parental relationship distress (CAPRD)” is a term that has been added to the most recent edition of the DSM, the DSM-5. CAPRD includes parental alienating behaviors such as badmouthing a parent to a child. And several of the manual’s authors have clarified CAPRD to include an entire range of parental alienating behaviors and outcomes." (Source.).

Parental Alienation Video #1. 

Parental Alienation Video, Susan Shofer.

Parental Alienation -- Evidence-Based Science.

Parental Alienation -- The Four-Factor Model.

Parental Alienation Video #2.

Parental Alienation Ted Talk, Jennifer Harman.

What are some Signs that Parental Alienation may be taking place:

  Are you or your ex-partner an alienator, alienating the other parent?  If so, here are some signs that indicate that Parental Alienation is happening:

• "An alienator might divulge unnecessary relational details — for example, instances of affairs — to a child. This can certainly make the child feel alienated themselves, as well as angry at (and feeling personally hurt by) something that was really between mom and dad.
• An alienator may prevent a child from seeing or talking to the other parent, while saying that the alienated is busy/occupied/uninterested in the child.
• An alienator may insist the child’s personal items all be kept at the alienator’s house, regardless of how much time the kid spends with the other parent.
• An alienator might plan tempting activities during the other parent’s custody. For example, “You’re supposed to be at your dad’s this weekend, but I was thinking it’s the perfect weekend to invite your friends to a sleepover here for your birthday this month. What would you like to do?”
• Related to the above, an alienator might frequently bend or break custody guidelines, arranged inside or outside of court. On the flip side, an alienator may also refuse to compromise on a custody agreement. For example, if mom’s birthday falls on a day when dad has custody and dad is an alienator, he may rigidly refuse to let the kid go to mom’s birthday dinner when mom asks.
• Secrecy may become rampant. There are several ways this can happen: The alienator may keep medical records, report cards, information about the child’s friends, and more all under wraps. This can alienate the child from the other parent because let’s face it — if one parent knows all your friends, likes, and activities, that’s the parent you’ll want to talk to.
• And related to secrecy, gossip may become rampant. The alienator may ask the child about the alienated parent’s personal life and more. This can then become a subject of gossip. Oh, your dad has a new girlfriend? What’s she like? Wonder how long it will last. He had four girlfriends the year you were in kindergarten and we were still married, you know.
• The alienator may become controlling when it comes to the child’s relationship with the other parent. For example, the alienator could try to monitor all phone calls, text messages, or interactions.
• The alienator may actively compare the other parent to a new partner. This could take the form of the child hearing that their stepmom loves them more than their mom. A child might even be told that their stepparent will adopt them and give them a new last name”  (Source.).

Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome: 

   When Gardner talked about PAS, he identified eight “symptoms” (or criteria) for it.  These include:

• The child constantly and unfairly criticizes the alienated parent (sometimes called a “campaign of denigration”).
• The child doesn’t have any strong evidence, specific examples, or justifications for the criticisms — or only has false reasoning.
• The child’s feelings about the alienated parent aren’t mixed — they’re (just) all negative, with no redeeming qualities to be found. This is sometimes called “lack of ambivalence.”
• The child claims the criticisms are all their own conclusions and based on their own independent thinking. (In reality, in PA, the alienating parent is said to “program” the child with these ideas.)
• The child has unwavering support for the alienator.
• The child doesn’t feel guilty about mistreating or hating the alienated parent.
• The child uses terms and phrases that seem borrowed from adult language when referring to situations that never happened or happened before the child’s memory.
• The child’s feelings of hatred toward the alienated parent expand to include other family members related to that parent (for example, grandparents or cousins on that side of the family).

Gardner later added that to be diagnosed with PAS, the child should have a strong bond with the alienator and previously have had a strong bond with the alienated. He also said the child should show negative behaviors when with the alienated parent and have difficulty with custody transitions” (https://www.healthline.com/health/childrens-health/parental-alienation-syndrome#signs-and-symptoms).

  These are just some of the forms parental alienation may take. Be aware that PAS is a tricky thing to use in legal contexts when it comes to custody agreements, because it’s hard to prove. Ironically, it’s in custody disputes that PAS comes up the most.

 

How does Parental Alienation impact children?

  Besides the harms done to children in Violent homes, as noted above; there are additional harms that can happen, once a couple breaks up.  Parental Alienation tends to cause harm to children.  

Side Note: "To elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail,  Children may react to parental intimate partner distress; Children may react to parental intimate partner violence; Children may react to acrimonious divorce; and Children may react to unfair disparagement of one parent by another." 

  Reactions of the child may include:

• The onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, 
• Somatic complaints, 
• An internal loyalty conflict, and, 
• In the extreme, parental alienation, can lead to loss of a parent–child relationship. 

Side Note: Results Since the definition of CAPRD in the DSM-5 consists of only one sentence, the authors propose an expanded explanation, clarifying that children may develop various problems as listed below.

Children may also develop problems in areas such as:

• behavioral, 
• cognitive, 
• affective, and 
• physical symptoms when they experience varying degrees of parental relationship distress, that is, intimate partner distress and intimate partner violence, which are defined with more specificity and reliability in the DSM-5." (Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.).

 Other scholars say that parental alienation affects the kids in still other ways.  For example: 

"One 2016 study surveyed 109 college-aged individuals and found a significant link between the behaviors of alienating parents and the behaviors of those who had been alienated. In other words, children who are subject to a parental alienation situation may grow up to behave in much the same way as the alienator."

Children who are alienated from one parent may:

• Experience increased anger
• Have heightened feelings of neglect (or even have their basic needs actually neglected while being caught in the middle of their parents’ fight)
• Learn a destructive pattern that they pass on to others
• Take on a skewed view of reality and become prone to lying about others
• Become combative with others due to learning an “us vs. them” mentality
• See things as very “black and white”
• Lack empathy

  "(What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 ).

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

Trying to parent a child who has been conditioned into believing you’re bad or worse is challenging. What do you do when your child appears to hate you, or refuses to see you? Here are five ways that Targeted Parents can reconnect with their kids.

• Address lies and bad-mouthing.
• Encourage your child to speak to you directly.
• Manage your emotional reactivity.
• Continue reaching out.
• Be patient (Source.  https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-child-parenting-issues/overcoming-parental-alienation/).

Other suggestions -- for when you are able to visit with your child -- include: 

"Listen to your child. Have a time and space that is safe for your child to vent. This is commonly done at bedtime when a child is relaxed and perhaps more reflective. Listen openly to your child without comment, judgment, emotional reaction, or questioning. Just listen. Absorb what your child is saying and respond with empathy only. No solutions. No punishment. No pressure.

This works because it is the counter to parental alienation. Remember in order for alienation to be effective, there is a constant barrage of misinformation, manipulation, and pressure. Creating a no-pressure-safe-zone helps your child to decompress.

Play with your child. Have structured times of unstructured play in which you as the parent participate. During this time, the child is in charge of everything: what to play, how to play it, and the duration. Play therapist has used this technique for some time to discover a child's hidden thoughts, emotions, and traumas/experiences.

This technique puts the child in the drivers seat which is very different from the home in which the alienation is occurring. Again, it is the anti-alienation environment that provides healing, awareness, and insight.

Be patient with your child. At your house, your child should be free from questions or comments about the other household. In trying to find out about the alienation, some parents border on unintentional alienation. Don't do this. Let your child come to you, offer empathy, show love, and express your concern but don't talk bad about the other parent. If your child shows you anger, show them support and compassion. Some times a child releases the negative emotions in a space they feel is safe and not in the space that is causing the frustration.

Patience with your child might need to last longer than a couple of days, it might turn into a couple of years. Regardless of how long it takes, show unconditional love whenever they return. Remember, you are the adult. Their child-like behavior is age-appropriate.

Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment."  (https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/08/how-to-counteract-parental-alienation#4).

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Using Children Worksheet. ***

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Thank you.  And have a nice day.

      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Special Notes Related to Parental Alienation:

 CAPRD, like other relational problems, provides a way to define key relationship patterns that appear to lead to or exacerbate adverse mental health outcomes. It deserves the attention of clinicians who work with youth, as well as researchers assessing environmental inputs to common mental health problems." (From: Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress.  William Bernet et al. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016 Jul. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27343884/  ).

Sources: 

Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

(Source.).

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 

Domestic Violence, Parental Alienation & Child Abuse: A Deadly Intersection

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  A real-life glaring example of the intersection of Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Parental Alienation, and True Crime.  This type of behavior among parents is way too common.

  Click the link below if you would like to view the CBS Special on Parental Alienation.

https://www.cbsnews.com/video/karries-choice/

      IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

The Challenges of Breaking Up: Parental Alienation and Domestic Violence: A New and Different Kind of Child Abuse -- Resulting in Parental Alienation Syndrome

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY

 There are many challenges to Breaking Up.

Talking about Parental Alienation 

The Neil Sedaka Song....  
"Breakiing Up is Hard to DO... Don't tak eyou love, away from me...

..."

From: https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml

Parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to foster a child’s rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome develops in children who come to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent as someone unworthy of having a relationship with them. Richard Gardner, PhD, who coined parental alienation syndrome, described in The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals that there are eight behavioral components that have been validated in a survey of 68 targeted parents of severely alienated children (Baker & Darnall, 2007).

Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome  

1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.

2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.

3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.

4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.

5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.

6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.

7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.

8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.

In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child.

Also, Long-Term Negative Effects

Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated.

1. Jennifer J. Harman, Demosthenes Lorandos, Zeynep Biringen, Caitlyn Grubb. Gender Differences in the Use of Parental Alienating Behaviors. Journal of Family Violence, 2019; DOI: 10.1007/s10896-019-00097-5

"parental alienation" and suicide

https://www.summitcounseling.us/blog/169349-the-alienated-parent#:~:text=The%20suicide%20rate%20for%20divorced,cut%20off%20from%20other%20people

"The suicide rate for divorced and separated adults in the United States is about 2.4 times greater that it is for married individuals. Suicide risk factors that can be directly associated with being an alienated parent include: Feelings of hopelessness. Isolation or feelings of being cut off from other people.Jan 23, 2020"

Parental Alienation: The Blossoming of a Field of Study

Jennifer J. Harman, William Bernet, Joseph Harman

First Published February 28, 2019 Research Article

https://doi.org/10.1177/0963721419827271

Article information

 

Abstract

Parental alienation has been an unacknowledged and poorly understood form of family violence. Research on parental alienation and the behaviors that cause it has evolved out of decades of legal and clinical work documenting this phenomenon, leading to what could be considered a “greening,” or growth, of the field. Today, there is consensus among researchers as to what parental alienating behaviors are and how they affect children and the family system. We review the literature to detail what parental alienation is, how it is different from other parent–child problems such as estrangement and loyalty conflicts, and how it is perpetuated within and across different social systems. We conclude by highlighting research areas that need further investigation to develop and test effective solutions for ameliorating the devastating effects of parental alienation that, we posit, should be considered and understood not only as abusive to the child but also as a form of family violence directed toward both the child and the alienated parent.

https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=-AhklZTeuXEC&oi=fnd&pg=PP15&dq=impact+of+parental+alienation+on+child%22&ots=LHm1pllpks&sig=-nyj-kyeNXqrMx92i3jSAU20rxI#v=onepage&q=impact%20of%20parental%20alienation%20on%20child%22&f=false

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children

References

Baker, A. (2010). “Adult recall of parental alienation in a community sample: Prevalence and associations with psychological maltreatment.” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35.

Bernet, W. et al (2010). “Parental alienation and the DSM V.” American Journal of Family Therapy, 38, 76-187.

Fidler, B. and Bala, N. (2010). “Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums.” Family Court Review, 48 (1), 10-47.

Kruk, E. (2011). Divorced Fathers: Children’s Needs and Parental Responsibilities, Halifax: Fernwood Publishing.

The Vagina Monologues -- Decades of Altruistic Efforts to Improve the Lives of Girls, Women, and Yes; the Entire Planet!

 Watching "Until the Violence Stops: The Vagina Monologues" has been a tradition in Dr. B's DV Treatment Sessions for DV Program Participants for almost a Decade now.  

  The Vagina Monologues is a very entertaining film about a World-wide V-Day (Vagina-Day) Campaign that was launched some 20 years ago by Eve Ensler of Saturday Night Live.  This presentation contains stories of tragedy, oppression, and personal stories told through superb comedy, fabulous music and conveyed by a broad-range of well-known personalities.

  The Vagina Monologues combines a dose of Humanistic Integrity and Accountability with a dose of Women's Empowerment.

  The beauty of the Vagina Monologues is that the money raised has been used to help fund countless projects that operate in order to improve the lives of girls and women around the World.  And this in turn tends to improve the lives of everyone else.

  I have seen it probably at least 50 times and each time I watch it, I get something else -- something new -- about this important topic.

  This is why watching the Vagina Monologues is a required part of my DV Offender Treatment Program.

  Click on The Links below to watch videos related to the Vagina Monologues.  Please watch some of these and then Complete The Worksheet at the Bottom of this Post.

>>> *** Please Click Here to Complete Your            

Vagina Monologues Reaction Worksheet!!! *** <<<

Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler Talk about The Vagina Monologues

Click Here to Watch Ensler Talk (some more) about The Vagina Monologues

= Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler's Ted Talk about the Vagina Monologues =

(((Click Here to Watch the 2018 Vagina Monologues)))

**>>> Click Here to Watch "Until the Violence Stops": 

The Vagina Monologues" online. <<<**  

(This one is a Pay-Per-View or one can view it 

via Subscriptions (Hulu, Prime, IMDB etc...; 

However, it is a good one!) 

Click Here for Another Version of the Vagina Monologues

<<<<<>>>>>

IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

Dealing Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, Negative Behaviors and Problems in Relationships

This Is A DRAFT Post.  Please do not COPY or PRINT it.

  How does one Deal Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, and Negative Behaviors and Problems in a Relationship  --  

  It could come from our Partners -- or otherwise these maladies could be manifesting in our Relationship from who knows where else?  

  Or it could be coming in from the World.

  Sometimes the problem is we just can't let go sometimes...  And sometimes we can.

  Have you ever had to deal with such things?  Problems.. negativities that get into your relationship and just fester...  Could be something old Trauma... chasing new Trauma.

  We have temporary fixes like ..... name your poison .....

What Happens when Such things as these Possible Problems Manifest in Our Relationships  What if this negativity grows like a tumor: 

... What if my life with my partner comes up with one or more of the following issues???

>>> What if me, or my partner Throws Tantrums or Fits... ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sex - Addiction  (A Gigantic Porn Collection... Having Affairs,... Paying for sex)... ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sugar Addiction ?  

>>> What if me, or my partner Just keeps on Over-Eating ?

>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Gambling to do anything the other wants them to do ?

>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Drinking or Drugging all the time ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a Caffeine Addiction -- like just Real Hyper...  Just Can't STOP! ?

>>> What If they have a Video Game Addiction and won't quit until they Win The BIG ONE?

>>> What If they have Work-a-holism.. or A Job-addiction ?

>>> What if me, or my partner has a problem involving Spending / Binge spending.. / Credit Card issues  / Creditors calling the House all the time... ?

>>> What if my partner or I have Binge Drinking / Cocaine Binges / Meth Binges / or Extended Acid Trips... ...SHROOMS Problem???

>>> Or one of us has a Rage-alcoholism problem -- Serious Anger Management Issues?  Like breaking stuff right and left... Punching holes in walls...

>>> What if Kleptomania is a part of our relationship ?  Or we have Some other kind of Serious Mental Illness..  Or the Voices told me to do it.  What if my partner has Psychosis ???  (Don't know reality from fiction.)

>>> What if your partner Refuses to Address a Serious MH problem --  Like Trichotillomania -- Paranoia -- Psychosis -- Severe Anxiety or Debilitating Depression ?

>>> What if I have Hypochondria / Yet Still / I am Insensitive to my partner's issues (Basically I am habitually Inconsiderate of their needs)... ?

>>> What if my partner Cannot separate their Role at Work from their Role at Home ?

>>> What is my partner is a Shut-In / Always in Isolation / They are a Loner -- especially during holidays... Like my family has never even met them.... ?

>>> What if they have a Problem with their Temper  / They Lose their Temper over "nothing" on a regular basis?

>>> Selective Mutism... Won't talk when uncomfortable. ?

>>> What if I am a Dangerous Driver / I have Road Rage NO MATTER Who is in the Car  / I got DUI's (And the related expenses) too ?  Where does that leave my partner ?  What if I drive drunk with the kids in the car ?

>>> What if I am a Holy-Roller / Bible-Thumper... -- I am a Guru-Addict -- a Cult-Member --  I am Always trying to convert you to my Religion... ?

>>> What if my partner is a Hoarder -- Compulsive... Obsessive Compulsive -- meaningless collector of everything... ?

>>> What if they are always throwing away your important stuff -- without apology or anything ?

>>> What if they always do things that Seriously Embarrass You in front of your family and friends... (On purpose)... ?

>>> What if I am a Chronic Liar -- Compulsive Liar -- I just Can't or Won't tell the truth....  I will deny the truth even when it is right in front of me... ?

>>> What if I am a Bully !!!  Like you cannot trust them me with the kids even... ?

>>> What if my partner is SIMPLY A NON-STOP Gossip -- Always talking negative about things and people that just do not matter. ?

>>> What if they are Always Jealous... suspicious.. accusing you of cheating... Claiming that they have proof of your BAD DEEDS... ?

>>> What if I am Vengeful / I simply won't forget that one thing that you said or did / I Cannot let it go /  I keep Diggin up the past all the time  / I Will Never Forgive... ?

>>> What if they Can't / Won't Keep a Job / No Ambition / Can't or Won't look for work either... ?    Won't even clean the living room or the Cheerios off the Kitchen Floor?

>>> What if they are Type A -- They Never listen to you / Always talk over you... and then it's all your fault according to them ?

>>> What if they are always Compulsively Cleaning / Compulsively showering / Compulsively Primping....  Always washing their car even... ?

>>> What if I cannot have even the simplest, most insignificant disagreement without it turning into the End of the World?

>>> What if your partner are a Cat-Lady / Cat-Man (OOOh...  that Smell!) / Or they are a Person with a Violent DOG ?

>>> What if they are Always acting paranoid / Always suspecting you of doing wrong --  no matter what you did or where or how or anything?

>>> What if they are just always keeping secrets.. and they tease you with bits of info.. but never tell you the whole story?

>>> What if they used to be so nice and a GREAT LOVER. But now They are a Hater / They Hate everyone...  They are Hyper Critical / There is No Love There Any More?!?

>>> What if I am a Chronic Victim / Always blaming everyone else / I never take accountability... ?

>>> What if I am Sloppy / Unclean...  / Dusty... / Stinky ... / Gross .../  Filthy... / yeaccchhhe..... ?

>>> What if I am Always getting into Fights (with anyone)... everywhere...  Every TIME .. ALL THE TIME.. Where ever I go... ?  You can't take me anywhere...

>>> What if they simply Refuse to pay the bills --- ?

>>> What if you Dial the HELP Number for their particular problem and hand them the phone --- but time after time, they just hang it up... and they say it's your fault  ???  

>>> What if they are a Social Media Addict  -- they got like 7,000 "Friends" on one Ap alone...?

>>> What if I am Someone who likes to FIGHT..  Likes to play ROUGH...  But then I say I am just kidding...?

>>> What if they are simply Someone who ALWAYS NEEDS you to agree with them... -- even when they are wrong?

So, What are Some Viable Solutions to such problems?

  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What do you DO???

What CAN YOU DO???

What if some of these describe your partner to a T?

What if some of these describe you to a T?

What happens when you are with someone .. In a committed relationship.. and then you realize that they are like this... 

Do you think DV comes out of this kind of stuff?

   BUT THEN THEY WON'T STOP???

What do you DO??? 

Do You GET DV'd ???...   and Must  

You Do DV ???  (NO WAY!!!)

TO DO; Or NOT TO DO Something About It???  

Is there anything you CAN Do to stop this madness?

SHOULD you DO Something?  (Why?  Why Not?)  

What are the PROS and CONS of just letting it go?  

What are the PROS and CONS of NOT just Letting it GO???

Here are some Possible Solutions (Which One's Might Work for you?):

Learn to live with it?  (NO WAY!!!)

Leave them?  

Blame it ALL on your SELF?  Will that work?

Just ignore it until it goes away?

Don't say anything and just Hope that they change?  (Maybe???)

Drop them off for Therapy... "Send them to Rehab..."?  (YES?!)

Try to get them to get Medication?  (Depends on the Problem!!!)

Get Couple's Counseling?  (Maybe???)

Call in a professional for an Intervention...

Threaten to leave them if they ever do it again?   (Maybe???)

Be grateful that you at least won't die alone?  (NO WAY!!!)

Try to have them arrested?  NONONO

Kill them with Kindness?

Just STRAIGHTEN them out?  (NO WAY!!!)

Start Therapy for yourself to help you deal with the situation?  ("YES!")

Introduce them to your slutty friend and hope they take the bait?  (NO WAY!!!)

Try to Educate them and Change them by yourself?   (Possibly)

Go & See your Fortune Teller?  Get your palm read?  Or Medicine Man (Maybe...)?  Your Curandaro.. or your Psychic... ?

Try to get them hooked on a new Hobby so they will be distracted?  (ehhh...?)

Drive them to a different State and leave them there?  (NO WAY!!!)  Don't even think about it.

Go to Church more and Pray a lot...  Pray Hard!  (???)

Hire an In-Home Applied Behavior Analysis Practictioner or Behavioral Modification Person?  

Start cooking with Herbs and Spices that might be reputed to effectively address and/or change the condition?

You could ask them if they want to get help? (But what if they're in denial?)  

Send them back to their Mother or to their Ex? (NO WAY!!!)

Call their Family and rat them out?   (NO WAY!!!)

Have an affair and just ignore the problems you have at home?  (NO WAY!!!)

Start Drinking or Drugging and blame it on them?  (NO WAY!!!)

Buy some Meds in Mexico and put them into their Food -- Or -- Secretly Drug them?    (NO WAY!!!)  Not on your life!

Have another baby because maybe that'll change things?   (NO WAY!!!)

Work on things together?  (Good idea!)

Brow-Beat them into Submission?  (NO WAY!!!)

Put signs all around the house and in the car too.  (But what would you put on the signs?)

Move away (with them) and start over Fresh in a strange land? 

Listen to them more?  YESSS!

Move away (without them) and start over Fresh?  

Love them till Death Do You Part? 

Cut them off? 

Take away their toys? 

 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

No REALLY???   What could or should you do?

Have you been in similar situations before? 

Which Options Would You Try?

Which Options Should You Try?

Which Options should you never Try???

What works best for you?   You are the one who is going to pay the price.... So what is best for you and your kids.....  And if you still love the other person... include them in your calculations...

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