A Review of Two Solid Techniques for Preventing DV: STOP, BREATHE, FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY --- AND --- TAKING TIME OUTS

  Today, we are going to talk about what are probably Two of the BEST Ways to Avoid DV-Type Feelings, Thinking or Behaviors

 First, let me ask you a few questions (Feel Free to Chime In).  What would you do if:  

>>>  What if you and your partner had a really big fight last night and she (he) told you to leave; but you didn't.  Not a word between you all night; and today, while you were on your lunch break, she (he) texted you that she (he) and your 3-year-old are moving in with his (her) mother for now, while they file for Divorce; what would you do??

>>>  Let's say: you know a person is in an abusive relationship.  Let’s say that you know it is abusive, because you have seen or heard it with your own eyes or ears.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?

>>>  If your partner was planning to start a job tomorrow at a place where lots of eligible singles hang out, what would you do?.

>>>  Let’s also say that you have noticed that someone close to you is in pain (physical and emotional) as result of this abusiveness in her (his) relationship.  What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If your partner and you had just not been connecting lately; and they started up an argument with you about something that could spell the end of your Relationship; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is a Victim of Abuse told you that they are going to go back to their abuser because they have no power; What would you tell her (or him) to do?.

>>>  If you got into an argument with your partner and you decided to leave so that you could just get away from the hurtful things they were saying to you; and then as you were driving down the road, they texted you saying: "And don't you ever come back here, you A__hole!!!"; what would you do?

>>>  If someone who is close to you was being abused and they told you that they were going to go ahead and go home today because she or he wanted to Stand up for herself or himself What would you tell her (or him) to do?. 

>>>  If you had been worrying for a while about how heated and even disrespectful your arguments have been getting with your partner lately; and if they started talking about something that tends to make you very angry; what would you do? 

For sure: NOW's a Great Time for either (or BOTH), a STOP, BREATHE,

 FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY ---  

 and / or --- Take A TIME OUT!!!     What-da-ya-Think???

  When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.  
  If violence is already happening.  Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.  
  Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way.  I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
  In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out.  However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.

Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely:

(Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes.  Here is how you do it:

• Stop --  Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something.  Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed.  Or just sit down if possible in the same room and  (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths).  Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).  
• Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful.  Be by yourself for a few moments..  Listen to yourself.  It's kind of like meditating.  If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up.  Stop talking.  Stop reacting.  Focus on you.  What are you thinking?  And listen to your partner.

• Breathe --  Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed.  All my weight on my but.  Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment).  This can help me make better decisions..  

• Focus --   Focus on your breathing.  Focus on relaxing your body.  Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated.  Focus on what I am facing.  The reality.  The pain.  The Anger.  The Fear.  What am I afraid of?  And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?

• Relax --   Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more.  Relax for a few more moments…….  Take it easy….  Take some more deep breaths.  SLOWLY.  Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space.  No hurry.  Take your time.

• Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future.  How would I like for this situation to resolve?  Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------   
• And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older.  Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...?  Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?  
• Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)

• Re-Focus --  Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better.  Do I need to take a Time Out?  (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).  
• Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"  
• Does anything really need to be done right this minute?  
• Is this an emergency?  Probably not.  
• Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?  
• Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...  
• What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?  
• And how does patience help me right now?  
• Keep doing the deep breathing.  Keep doing the right thing.

• Choose Wisely --  Choose what you need to do right now (if anything).  Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.  
• Or be patient until you have such a solution.  
• (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).  
• And always continue with patience.

   ---------------------------------------------------

Taking Time Outs:

Taking Time Outs can be A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Domestic Violence Offender.

  Did you ever wonder what is basically going to happen when a Police Person intervenes in a Domestic Violence Dispute and finds that either; a Domestic Violence crime has happened; or that a Domestic Violence crime is about to happen?  
  In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen.  Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out.  Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.  
  If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
  Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed?  Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?

  When Should One Take A Time Out?
  If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind.  Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.  
  One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent. 
  When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act.  It is time for a Time Out.  

  How does One Take a Time Out?  
  Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available.  For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion): 

Things to do when Taking a Time Out:

• 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
• Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
• Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
• Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
• Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
• Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
• Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
• Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
• Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
• Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
• Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
• When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
• If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'

Things to NOT do when Taking a Time Out: 

• 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out.  She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
• Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals.  Just leave.
• Don't act abusively toward anyone.
• Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right.  Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
• If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
• Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
• Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
• Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
• Don't return home too early.
• Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
• Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
• Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
• Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.

Now: What do you do when?  And which should you try first?

*** PLEASE CLICK ON THIS LINK TO COMPLETE YOUR STOP BREATHE FOCUS RELAX REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY WORKSHEET ***

*** Please Click Here to Complete the Attached Time Out Anecdote Worksheet. 

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(Originally Posted, June 7, 2021)

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

*** Please CLICK HERE, to Complete your Types of DV Worksheet. ***

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

DV In The News:

  Below are some relatively recent News Story Examples of Domestic Violence Stories:  

DV In the News: "Olympic Runner In Critical Condition After Being Doused With Gasoline, Set On Fire"  ??? (By Boyfriend). ???

Olympic Runner In Critical Condition After Being Doused With Gasoline, Set On Fire (dailywire.com)

Olympic athlete burned to death by boyfriend follows other acts of violence against female athletes in Kenya - oregonlive.com

DV In the news: ASU business professor David Zhu accused of killing his wife

https://nypost.com/2024/08/20/us-news/asu-business-professor-david-zhu-accused-of-killing-his-wife/

DV In the News: Driver allegedly kills bystander while trying to mow down domestic partner: Police - ABC News

https://abcnews.go.com/US/houston-driver-allegedly-kills-innocent-bystander-mow-domestic-partner/story?id=112928769

DV In the News: Texas attorney killed in murder-suicide at $1.6M mansion | Fox News

Texas lawyer Jerry Hernandez killed by wife in apparent murder-suicide inside $1.6M home (nypost.com)

 

DV In the News: Man arrested in Poland on suspicion of holding a woman captive and abusing her for over 5 years - ABC News

https://abcnews.go.com/International/wireStory/man-arrested-poland-suspicion-holding-woman-captive-abusing-113308404

DV In the News: Man stabbed Massachusetts girlfriend 10 times in face, neck before leaving body at airport, prosecutors say 

https://www.foxnews.com/us/man-stabbed-girlfriend-10-times-face-neck-before-leaving-body-logan-airport-prosecutors-say

DV In the News: Georgia deputy killed while responding to domestic dispute, marking first line-of-duty death for sheriff’s office | CNN

https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/18/us/georgia-deputy-killed-shooting/index.html

"DV In the news: School shooting suspect was a 'good boy' who had troubles at home, his father told authorities last year"

  https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/school-shooting-suspect-was-good-boy-troubles-home-father-told-authori-rcna169930

DV In the News: Karen Read sued by family of police officer boyfriend she's accused of killing - ABC News

https://abcnews.go.com/US/karen-read-sued-wrongful-death-lawuit/story?id=113155818

But What Can I do About this?  

  Well, Perhaps I could make a Commitment to Elimination of Abusive Behavior:

Making My Commitment  / My Commitment to Elimination of Abusive Behavior

Your Commitment Statement / Commitment to Elimination of Abusive Behavior should include the following:

1.      It Should Demonstrate A lot of thinking.  What are you thinking about right now?  Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense:

 

2.      A Commitment to Thinking before Acting.  Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense:

 

3.      A Commitment to Owning all of my Actions.   Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense:

4.      Demonstrating knowledge about what “Being Abusive” Is.   Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense:

5.      Demonstrated thinking about ways to Prevent such events in the future.  Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense:

 

6.      Demonstrating Empathy for persons who are possibly hurt by Abusive Behavior.  Please give an example of this that could be directly related to your DV Offense: