Monday, April 26, 2021

To Love, Honor and Cherish: Would A More Thorough Understanding Of These Words Help Prevent Domestic Violence?

  Somewhere during my lifetime, the traditional American Wedding Vows changed in a significant way -- at one time, the Men promised to "Love, Honor and Cherish for as long as we both shall live".  Meanwhile, the Women -- in the spirit of their historical oppression; would promise to "Love, Honor and Obey for as long as we both shall live."  

  Of course, many different Cultures and Sub-Cultures throughout the World have different traditions related to Marriage and Coupledom.

  These days, some couples -- rather than taking there time, Courting, Sparking, becoming Engaged, and then finally getting married; Many Postmodern Couples appear to fall in love at warp speed; then just casually head off down the road of the trials and tribulations of Cohabitation, Common-Law Marriage and perhaps even Partnership.  Still for what seems to be too many, there are couples who only weeks after meeting each other-- and without so much as meeting each others' families or friends -- decide to take one kind of plunge or another, and with such rapid moves that even a roadrunner couldn't catch them.
  It's almost like sometimes, we are so desperate for what we think is Love, that we will settle in a heartbeat for companionship with almost any willing candidate, or someone good-looking.  And they will venture in with optimism as long as the Sex is good, the Money is plenty, the Social Status is tolerable, and/or perhaps, we just think they could make a real nice Trophy.
  While this path often leads to a lifetime of Bliss; it also has hundreds of thousands of times, led to Tragedy.  
  And perhaps the worst part of these arrangements is that -- Married or NOT -- while many Men and Women sometimes suffer enormously following Break-Ups; when there are children involved; it is quite frequently the children who suffer the most; and this kind of childhood trauma can sometimes last for a Lifetime,

  It is clear that many things have changed around the Human Rituals related to Coupling, Mating and Procreation.  One broadly-practiced alteration -- quite possibly happening due to the post-WW2 Baby-Boom, followed by the Divorce-Boom, and then what some call "The Breakdown of the American Family" -- is that many people these days simply do not get married anymore.  Whereas, in the 1960's, it was considered Taboo to have a child out of Wedlock.  Well, now....  you know what I mean.

  While this essay is not intended to promote marriage; one wonders how many lives might be changed for the better if more Couples made their actual, witnessed -- and even Licensed -- Marriage Vows Together; rather than just Shacking Up together.  

  What do you think?


Some History About the Idea of: To Love, Honor and Cherish:

  It’s almost a no-brainer to assume that people have been making commitments to each other in one form or another for a very long time.

  “In the time of the Roman Empire (17 BC – 476 AD) the lower classes had "free" marriages. The bride's father would deliver her to the groom, and the two agreed that they were wed, and would keep the vow of marriage by mutual consent. Wealthy Romans, though, would sign documents listing property rights to publicly declare that their union was legalized and not a common law marriage. This was the beginning of the official recording of marriage”

  "Some Traditional Wedding Vows (in Western Civilization) can be traced back to the manuals of the medieval church. In England, there were manuals of the dioceses of Salisbury (Sarum) and York. The compilers of the first Book of Common Prayer, published in 1549, based its marriage service mainly on the Sarum manual” (Source).  It should also be noted that the Jews, Hindus and Buddhists also have their Wedding Vows.  Even persons of non-religious, Atheist or secular persuasions Vows such as, “I promise to love, respect, protect, and trust you. I promise to give you the best of myself, because I know that together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone. I choose you. I'll choose you over and over and over again, and I'll keep choosing you” (Source).


One thing for sure is that "To Love, Honor and Cherish" means different things to different people.

  The History of the traditional Wedding Vows according to one Author's Perspective goes as follows:

  "Once upon a time, thankfully not ours, women were considered property. Marriage contracts were usually a financial transaction. A lot of bargaining would take place before a marriage to settle on the bride price, with the poor female the pawn of it all. They had little choice in the matter of whom they would marry. "Love is for the poor for they do not care if they starve, because they already are", was the belief.

  When they were led down to the altar, they would seem to be so docile. The truth is that some were usually drugged so that they wouldn't run away. The practice of being veiled was embraced as a way that the groom wouldn't see the bride's tears. The women would have to say out loud that they would love, honor and OBEY the man who now was their husband and that was that.

  Thanks to women's lib, this is no longer the case. The ladies may choose their mates, be it for financial gain or for love; maybe even both. They are considered equal partners of the men they will marry and as such the vows have been changed to love, honor and cherish.

  Of course, you don't need to use those vows either. You can make your vows completely personal and from the heart. It can make your wedding more memorable for both of you. Just check first with your officiant if you can go ahead and do this, some may be really strict and insist on the basic vows (though they are rare)" (Graham, Lesley-Ann, 2006).

  On the other hand, About Marriage, more traditionally speaking in this culture, The Holy Bible offers a number of ideas about such to many whom it has guided in the practices of Love and Marriage over the past two Millennia.  Two passages that seem to go together are as follows: 

"Ephesians 5:25: "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." 9. Genesis 2:24: "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.""

 

Does it Really Make a Difference Whether or not we are Married When it Comes to Domestic Violence or Family Violence?

  Does it really make a difference if people are Married or Living Together?  That is a question for the Ages.  One bit of information regarding this comes from "REWIRE" and Author, Katie Moritz (2018), who wrote an article titled: “How Domestic Violence is Different for Unmarried Couples”.  It reads: 

  "Maybe you've heard the statistic: one in three women and one in four men will experience domestic violence. It's a reminder of how very common it is to find yourself in a violent situation with someone you trusted. But with fewer and fewer people getting married these days, shouldn't domestic violence rates be going down, too?

  Sadly, no. The vast majority of reported domestic assaults actually take place between boyfriends and girlfriends. Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania discovered that more than 80 percent of incidents of domestic violence reported to the Philadelphia police in 2013 happened between current or former unmarried couples.

  These relationships were also more violent than those between married couples.

   “Current boyfriends or girlfriends were more likely than current spouses to injure their victims,” said researcher Susan B. Sorenson, director of Penn’s Evelyn Jacobs Ortner Center on Family Violence, in a news release about the research.

  "They were more likely to push and shove, to grab, to punch," Sorenson explained. "They were more likely to strangle—some pretty awful behaviors toward a partner. They were also more likely to use a knife, a bat or another kind of weapon.  We were not expecting to find this."  (https://www.rewire.org/domestic-violence/).

  

One Wonders: Why might this be this way?  Perhaps one reason for this is because Couples who are not married have yet to make such Vows to each other such as to Love, Honor and Cherish -- which can be made with or without a Church Wedding.  One benefit of marrying within a Church (in some cases) is that couples are encouraged to learn about Marriage before getting married.  Or for example, in Texas they wave part of the Marriage License Fee if Couples under go several Educational-Counseling sessions prior to the Wedding.

 

  So it could be that one possible key to a Safe and Happy Relationship would be some sort of Vow, a Covenant, a Contract, or at least some Promises between.  Perhaps making some sort of agreement with each other could be helpful.

  It could be that the Psychology of this phenomenon is that many humans tend to work better -- or to become better partners -- when there is an understanding that this is a Long-Term Relationship with Clear Expectations and Boundaries; as opposed to it being just a temporary Arrangement of Convenience.  


So If We Are Going To Live Together; Should We Commit To Love, Honor and Cherish -- Even if we are Not Married?  Perhaps so.. that is if we are going to be together, Right?

   Regardless of Married or Not -- and particularly when a Couple decides to bring a child into the world -- we should probably at least commit To Love, Honor and Cherish each other.  Otherwise -- with exception of purely Sexually Recreational Relationships; why would we be having sex, living together and even having children; if we cannot make meaningful commitment to each other?  Even though this is not necessarily a very meaningful commitment for some people.

  Another important questions is that If we are going to have kids; yet there is no commitment; is it healthy for the kids?  Some say that even if we are not married; but we had children together, and then we split up; we should still love, honor and cherish our co-parent(s) -- For the children's sake.  What do you think of that?  


Back to the Basics of Love, Honor and Cherish:

  Think about the basic terms of Love, Honor and Cherish.  What do they mean?  More importantly, What Do They Mean To You?  And What Do They Mean To Your Partner?  

  If we are getting married; it is quite possible that we are going to think carefully about these terms (to Love, Honor and Cherish); prior to taking the Vows.  And if I think more clearly about this before-hand, am I not less likely to make a mistake of marrying the wrong person?


What does it mean, To Love?

"“Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, to the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love)

According to the dictionary, love is "an intense feeling of deep affection."

Meanwhile, Urban Dictionary defines love as, "The act of caring and giving to someone else. Having someone's best interest and wellbeing as a priority in your life. To truly love is a very selfless act."  (Source)."

According to Dr. B., Love is the Ability and the Willingness to Accept someone for the way they are Right Now, and in the Future and on and on and on .

 

What does it mean, To Honor?  (Why is this a part of the Wedding Vows?)

"“Honour or honor is the idea of a bond between an individual and a society as a quality of a person that is both of social teaching and of personal ethos, that manifests itself as a code of conduct, and has various elements such as valour, chivalry, honesty, and compassion.” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Honour).

According to Eagle Family Ministries: “The strength in “honor” is in its definition. As defined by Webster, it is as high respect, esteem, and exalted title or rank. In practical terms, that means to recognize the worth of our spouse and decide to cherish them as a treasure they are. Honor instructs us to put our other half ahead of ourselves and others (The only seat higher than our spouse is God). Also, it is giving them the very best version of you, instead of giving that to others.  Last, but not least, it is “the little things” that we do every day that builds honor in marriage” (Eagle Family Ministries.  Source.)

 

What does it mean, To Cherish?

"To hold dear : feel or show affection for.  To keep or cultivate with care and affection.  To nurture."  (Source).


Important Questions to Ask Yourself -- and possibly to ask your Partner -- especially before you make a long-term Commitment:

  So what does it take to successfully love, honor and cherish someone -- how does it all start? To begin this process we probably need to answer some questions.  Perhaps, we first need to learn how to do these things for our Selves -- To Love My Self, To Honor My Self, and To Cherish My Self...  Then, once we can do that, we can begin to ask the following in a serious way regarding our intentions as they relate to our prospective partner:

>>> Am I definitely ready to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

>>> Am I truly able to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

>>> Do I really want to Love, Honor and Cherish My Partner?

Then, we might get to the following questions: 

>>> Does this other person wish to Love, Honor and Cherish me --  And.... are they truly Able and Ready and Willing to do this with me?

Note: If we BOTH are Ready, Able and Willing to Love, Honor and Cherish each other.... there is a possibility that our relationship will be good.

>>> >>> >>>  AND does it feel as if we Can BOTH go on like this .... For Ever and Ever and For Ever as Long as We BOTH Shall Live.   (Think about it....)

  And Remember: If the other person is not Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor and Cherish you; it may not be about you at all.  More so, it may be about the fact that they are not yet Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor and Cherish themselves....

  And then there are cases where we have totally different definitions of these words.  This is why it can be a good thing to talk about it ahead of time; rather than rushing into it... 

  Until we get to this point in our Relationships (as described above, where we are Ready, Willing and Able to Love, Honor, and Cherish); perhaps we should just settle for Dating the person(s) to whom we feel attracted; rather than marrying or shacking up with them?  

  This way, perhaps fewer people might get hurt.


Discussion Questions: 

  How might our World change if we held ourselves to a standard that says: We would only want to live with, or marry someone, or have children with them if we are truly ready, willing and able to Love, Honor and Cherish them for life?  


Or..


  How might our World change if we held ourselves to a standard that says, we would only want to live with, or marry someone, or have children with them if they were also ready, willing and able to Love, Honor and Cherish us for ever and ever?


  Oh... But that take some more time, doesn't it...?  Hence, Patience really is a Virtue for those who value a Peaceful Home...


***Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Love, Honor and Cherish Worksheet!***

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  



And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       
 





Music:

It's Too Late Baby (Carol King)

Where is the Love (Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway)

There is Love (Peter, Paul and Mary)

Cherish (The Association)

I Love You Baby (Frankie Valli)

Cherish (Cool & the Gang)

Do Ya Do Ya Want My Love (ELO)

Want Somebody to Love (Queen)



Sources: 

https://ezinearticles.com/?Love,-Honor-and-Obey-The-History-Of-Wedding-Vows&id=215344

https://www.rewire.org/domestic-violence/

https://www.eaglefamily.org/honor-build-achieve-marriage/#:~:text=As%20defined%20by%20Webster%2C%20it,than%20our%20spouse%20is%20God

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_vows#:~:text=The%20oldest%20traditional%20wedding%20vows,mainly%20on%20the%20Sarum%20manual.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a26857708/definition-of-love/

https://www.minted.com/wedding-ideas/wedding-vows/secular#:~:text=I%20promise%20to%20love%2C%20respect,'ll%20keep%20choosing%20you.%E2%80%9D


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Monday, April 12, 2021

Using Gratitude for Healthier Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  “The word gratitude comes from the Latin root gratus, meaning “pleasing; welcome; agreeable.” Gratus is also the root of related terms such as grace, gratuity and gratis, all signifying positive moods, actions and ideas” (Source).

A Brief History of Thankfulness and Gratitude:

  Whether at home during our childhood, at school as we learn and grow, within our religions, our clubs, our traditions, our associations, our teams, our Tribes, our cultures, out on the streets, in churches, and even at work, and in adult personal relationships; we learn about Gratefulness and Thankfulness and the many values of such.  
  Further, the practices of Gratitude and Thankfulness go back possibly 3,200 years or more among Humans.  For example: In the Torah, the Hebrew Bible which largely forms the Old Testament of the "Bible" one will find the concept of Gratefulness.  Also, the Buddhist Tradition includes forms of Gratitude and Thankfulness going back 3,500 years.  And per one interpretation of Islam for Muslims, "God mentions thankfulness even before belief in Him."  In Islam, dating back about 1,300 years, "The Concept of Gratefulness in Islam, as one author explains: "one of our foremost duties is to be grateful to God for all of His blessings. We can describe three levels of thankfulness:  To realize and appreciate all blessings by and within the heart.  To say thanks with the tongue.  and To express gratitude by doing righteous deeds” (Source).
  Regardless of one's Religious beliefs; it seems that the Tradition of Human Thankfulness and Gratitude dates back at least 3,500 years and probably much further among various Indigenous Tribes throughout the World including the Navajo and even the Celtic.  Hence, it is logical to assume that there must be some benefits for Humans in realizing and expressing their thoughts and feelings around Thankfulness and Gratefulness.   
  In other words, if Humans have been Thankful and/or Grateful for thousands of years, it is quite possibly a good thing, and an important thing to learn about as we mature. 


What good does it do for us to feel Thankful?  How does Gratefulness help us?  

  It seems reasonable to assume that if we are spending more time feeling Thankful or Grateful, then we are quite possibly spending less time feeling angry or feeling cheated.

  It also seems that if we are spending more time and energy expressing our Thankfulness or our Gratitude, then we are spending less time expressing resentment, bitterness or hatred.  

  Which type of person would you rather spend your time with: 

  A person who is frequently feeling Angry or Bitter, and acting Resentful and/or Hateful; or a person who is frequently feeling Thankful or Grateful and acting Humble and/or Appreciative?

  Finally, Which type of person would you rather be: Thankful and Grateful -- even for the little things in life; Or Ungrateful?


As for the Evolution of Gratitude:   

  Psychologist Malinia Suchak of the Greater Good Science Center suggests: 

  “Plenty of research shows the benefit of saying thank you, as well as of other expressions of gratitude. Gratitude is one of the fundamentally important parts of human life, and comparative psychologists like myself are always interested in where these things come from, in the grand scheme of things. How did we as humans end up as a species for whom gratitude is as much a part of our social relationships as gossip?

  It turns out this question is centuries old, with Darwin himself suggesting that humans and other animals share the “same emotions, even the more complex ones such as jealousy, suspicion, emulation, gratitude, and magnanimity.” And—at least for gratitude—some initial research by my colleagues and I suggests that Darwin might be right” (https://gratefulness.org/resource/the-evolution-of-gratitude/).”

 

Is Being Thankful and/or Grateful Good For You?

  It seems logical to assume that being Thankful and being Grateful for the good things in life and in relationships is good for us in a number of ways.  

  In the field of Positive Psychology, there has already been a good bit of research done on the benefits of Gratitude:  

"Research shows that gratitude can:

  •  Gratitude can Help you make friends. One study found that thanking a new acquaintance makes them more likely to seek a more lasting relationship with you.
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Improve your physical health. People who exhibit gratitude report fewer aches and pains, a general feeling of health, more regular exercise, and more frequent checkups with their doctor than those who don’t.
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Improve your psychological health. Grateful people enjoy higher wellbeing and happiness and suffer from reduced symptoms of depression.
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Enhance empathy and reduces aggression. Those who show their gratitude are less likely to seek revenge against others and more likely to behave in a prosocial manner, with sensitivity and empathy.
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Improve your sleep.  Practicing gratitude regularly can help you sleep longer and better.  (Better sleep to a clearer mind..).
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Enhance your self-esteem. People who are grateful have increased self-esteem, partly due to their ability to appreciate other peoples’ accomplishments.
  •  <<<_____>>>
  •  Gratitude can Increase mental strength. Grateful people have an advantage in overcoming trauma and enhanced resilience, helping them to bounce back from highly stressful situations. (Morin, 2014).  (https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/)."
  • <<<_____>>> 

 

  According to Chowdhury, (2020), "The Neuroscience of Gratitude and How it Affects Anxiety and Grief"; "In its simplest form, gratitude refers to a ‘state of thankfulness’ or a ‘state of being grateful’."
  Chowdhury (2020) also reports that: 
  • "Gratitude impacts on mental and physical well-being. Positive psychology and mental health researchers in the past few decades have established an overwhelming connection between gratitude and good health.  Keeping a gratitude journal causes less stress, improves the quality of sleep, and builds emotional awareness (Seligman, Steen, Park and Peterson, 2005).
  • <<<_____>>> 
  •   Further, Chowdhury explains that:  "In positive psychology, gratitude is the human way of acknowledging the good things of life. Psychologists have defined gratitude as a positive emotional response that we perceive on giving or receiving a benefit from someone (Emmons & McCullough, 2004)."
  • <<<_____>>> 
  •   Gratitude is positively correlated to more vitality, energy, and enthusiasm to work harder."  Chowdhury wrote that: "Thanking others, thanking ourselves, Mother Nature, or the Almighty – gratitude in any form can enlighten the mind and make us feel happier. It has a healing effect on us. (Russell and Fosha, 2008). (Chowdury, 2020)"
  • <<<_____>>> 

 

  • Chowdhury also explains: 
      •   "There are different types of benefits one gets from being Grateful.  For example, one gets Psychological Benefits for "A Happier You", Physical Benefits for "A Fitter You", and Social benefits for "A Better You".
      • <<<_____>>>
      •   In a Neuro-scientific way, Gratitude reportedly helps neurotransmitters to produce substances that help improve one's mental health.
      • <<<_____>>>
      •   That "Gratitude Brings Happiness."  Further, Gratitude "Improves Interpersonal Relationships".
      • <<<_____>>>
      •   "Gratitude can improve Relationships: "Couple studies have also indicated that partners who expressed their thankfulness to each other often, could sustain their relationships with mutual trust, loyalty, and had long-lasting happy relationships."
      • <<<_____>>>
      •   "Gratitude helps promote Optimism, Selflessness, Spirituality, Empathy and Self-Esteem. In turn, these sensations may lead one toward True Happiness." (Chowdhury, 2020) 
      • <<<_____>>>

The Gratitude Journal Exercise: 

  Chowdhury (2020) also suggests that people practice something Simple, such as keeping a "Gratitude Journal".  "Gratitude journaling is the habit of recording and reflecting on things (typically three) that you are grateful for on a regular basis. ... Keeping a gratitude journal is a popular practice in positive psychology - the scientific study of happiness."
  Below is a Gratitude Journal model offered by TherapistAide.com (2015) that has been adapted for Prevention of Domestic Violence: 

Title: "Why I’m Grateful" (Complete the sentence of 3 or more of these...):
  • I am grateful for my Life because... _______________ ...
  • I am grateful for the Life of my Partner because... _______________ ...
  • I am grateful for my family and my children because... _______________ ...
    • Something good that my Partner and I shared this week was... _______________ ... 
    • I am grateful for my work because... _______________ ...
    • Something silly that I am grateful for... _______________ ...
    • Something else that I am grateful for … _______________ ...

      Think about it: How might taking a moment to think about questions related to our Thankfulness or our Gratefulness such as those above be good for us and for our interpersonal relationships?  What might be some benefits of this to us?
    • It's Easy to do.  And it's FREE Too!
    • It Only takes a few minutes per week, perhaps...
    • It Might help me develop a Better Attitude.
    • This could help us build stronger bonds.
    • Could give me Better Understanding of a lot of things.
    • Gratefulness helps me let go of Negative Emotions.
    • It might improve my Health.
    • Just being able to Appreciate what I have around me can be a blessing in and of itself.  What I actually have could be a blessing too especially once I realize it.
    • It could help me feel better about myself.
    • It Might make me seem like I am a nicer person if I am Grateful.  I might seem to be Thankful too.
    • Gratefulness Helps in New Relationships; and in More Mature Relationships alike.
    • Provides us with New more Positive things to Discuss with Our Loved Ones and with Strangers too.
    • Doing so regularly Could Help me Build More Confidence in Myself.
    • It Might even help me to Express More Gratitude to my Partner over time.  My Gratefulness could help my Partner feel better about herself or himself also help them feel more positive about our relationship.
    • It May help me to feel less resentment and less anger about the negative things in my life and in my past.
    • Gratefulness quite possibly Helps me to be more energetic and more positive at my Work -- It might help me perform better as well.
    • Gratitude might make me a Better Person.

    Discussion Question: 
      For example, It stands to reason that if we are more aware of the things in a Relationship and in Life that we can be Grateful for or Thankful for; that we would then perhaps be at least a little more humble in our relationships; and that some degree of humbleness or humility can possibly help lead us to being better Partners in Relationships; hence we could have Happier and Healthier Relationships.  
      What are some other possible ways that Gratitude or Thankfulness might help us to have Healthier and Happier Relationships?
       



    Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  



    And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.       
     





    Thank you.  And have a nice day.

    Music:  
      "Blue Sky" (The Allman Brothers Band).
      "Good Day Sunshine" (The Beatles).
      "I Want To Thank You!!!"  (ZZ Top).
      "Tupelo Honey" (Tupelo Honey).
      "Thank You." (Led Zepplin).
      "Peaceful Easy Feeling" (The Eagles)
      "Heard it in a Love Song" (The Marshall Tucker Band)


      https://marytn.medium.com/the-concept-of-thankfulness-in-islam-b16e9e40332a#:~:text=Gratitude%20in%20Islam%20is%20a%20form%20of%20worship.&text=Being%20ungrateful%20to%20God%20is,most%20of%20them%20are%20ungrateful.&text=And%20be%20grateful%20for%20the,is%20He%20Whom%20you%20worship.
     
      (Morin, 2014).  (https://positivepsychology.com/gratitude-exercises/).

      (TherapistAid.com, 2015)

      https://www.forbes.com/sites/luisromero/2017/11/22/gratitude-the-ultimate-spiritual-practice-a-thanksgiving-special/?sh=15a9c2222706

    (c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)
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