What Role Does Anger Play in Domestic Violence? What Does Anger Look Like? How Can We Better Control Our Anger?

   Many people who have Domestic Violence Charges feel that if they could get their Anger under control; they would not have DV-Thinking, DV-Feeling or DV-Behaving.  And surely, effective Anger Management might help prevent some instances of Domestic Violence.  

  First of all, DV Behavior is a Choice.  If I do DV, then I'm likely to be held accountable for that behavior.   No matter how angry I am, there's no excuse for abuse.  However, DV is also about other phenomena that are not necessarily driven by one's Anger alone (i.e., Power & Control, Fear (like a fear of loss), Poor Communication Skills (not knowing how to communicate when upset), Impatience, Insecurity / Jealousy, High Stress, Poor Self-Control, Feeling Loss, etc...).

  Still other factors might also contribute to DV such as substance abuse, psychopathy, pro-offending attitudes / anti-social thinking, poor self-esteem, impulsiveness, anxiety, unemployment, inadequate social supports, grandiosity / inflated ego, even ignorance, and other environmental factors.  Hence, there is much more to DV than Anger Management.

  On the other hand, if we can control our Angry Thoughts -- or at least effectively deal with them...   And if we can handle our Angry Feelings and our Angry Behaviors, we might be able to better control our propensity to act out in Anger.  This would probably be a good thing because then there would be fewer DV Victims, fewer DV Witnesses, fewer DV-Related Damages, and fewer DV Offenses.  Therefore, Anger Management is a part of DV Treatment.  

Anger is Normal

  One of the most important things to remember is that Anger is Normal.  But Angry Behavior is often hurtful.  Therefore it is unacceptable.  And Angry Behavior is not necessarily considered normal if it impacts someone else in a negative way.  And even Anger at one's self can only be taken so far before it becomes destructive and abnormal.

Signs that We May Need Help Controlling Our Anger Include:

• If we are Regularly feeling that we have to hold in our anger
• Avoiding situations because of anxiety or depression about possible anger outbursts
• Persistent negative thinking and focusing on negative experiences
• Constant feelings of irritation, impatience and hostility
• Frequent arguments with other people that escalate frustrations
• Physical violence, such as hitting our partner or children or starting fights with others
• Threats of violence against people or property
• Out-of-control or frightening behavior, such as breaking things or driving recklessly or even sending poison-pen emails or text messages

At this point, Anger is not very pretty, is it?

What is Anger Management?

  "Anger management is the process of learning to recognize signs that you're becoming angry, and taking action to calm down and deal with the situation in a productive way"  (Mayo Clinic, Jun 10, 2017).  Another person suggests that Anger Management is “Finding new ways to handle it so that you don’t cause problems.” 

  SO what are my Anger Cues???  The sensations in myself or in my environment, that tell me that I am becoming angry... What are they???

  "Per the Mayo Clinic: “Anger management doesn't try to keep you from feeling (angry or) anger or encourage you to hold it in.  Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when you know how to express it appropriately — anger management is about learning how to do this.”  (How to express our anger appropriately.)  “You may learn anger management skills on your own, using books or other resources.  But for many people, taking an anger management class or seeing a mental health professional is the most effective approach.”

  In the long run; Effective Anger Management often comes down to the individual and the situation and the context.  

  This would also include questions and choices about whether or not we expresses our anger in a Private Way (limited to self only; and perhaps even in prayer); or in a Direct way (limited ONLY toward persons directly involved in the situation); or in a Social Way (limited just to family, or limited to family and friends, or limited to family, friends, co-workers and even fellow students...);  or Unlimited expression of anger -- putting it out there for the whole World to see.    

  And naturally, there can be serious consequences related to any given way that we express our anger; as well as to whom they express it.  

  But am I saying don't express your anger?  NO!!! We just need to do it the right way...

  Think about it: Have you ever expressed your anger in the wrong way?  or Have you ever expressed your anger to the wrong person(s)?

Anger Management Quotes (Below are some quotes about Anger that can really help give us a much deeper and broader prespective on Anger): 

• "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." – Buddha.

• "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

• "Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it." – Seneca.

• "People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing." – Will Rogers.

• "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging." – Will Rogers.

• "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." – Ambrose Bierce.

• "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." – Marcus Aurelius.

• "Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help." – Thomas Fuller.

• "No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched." – George Jean Nathan.

• "There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust." – St. Francis De Sales.

• "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." –Chinese Proverb.

• "If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?" – Sydney J. Harris

• 
  "He who angers you conquers you." -- Elizabeth Kenny

• "Anger is one letter short of danger." – Eleanor Roosevelt

• "If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot." – Korean Proverb

• "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." – Malachy McCourt

• "Resentment is stabbing yourself to get at the person behind you." – Unknown

• "Resentment is setting yourself on fire so the smoke will annoy someone." – Unknown

• "Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools." – Albert Einstein

• "Anger is short-lived madness." – Horace

• "Anger blows out the lamp of the mind." – Robert G. Ingersoll

• "Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." – Louis L'Armour

• "To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." – William H. Walton

Anger Thermometer:

  Picture a Thermometer.  An Anger Thermometer.
  It starts at the bottom with a Zero Degrees (0), and reaches up to the top at One-Hundred-Degrees.  Hotter temperatures indicate more Anger.  This thermometer has 4 zones which are labelled as: Calm, Frustrated, Angry and Furious.

 *** CLICK HERE to View The Anger Thermometer. ***

How Angry do the following Triggers Make You Feel?  Where would you place each Trigger on your Anger Thermometer?

Rank each of the following (in your mind) as to how angry it can make you at your Partner when a discussion about it goes off the deep end.  

Indicate on the thermometer how angry each one makes you feel.

-- Calm -- Frustrated -- Angry -- Furious --

1. Sex
2. Money
3. Kids
4. Timing
5. Quality Time
6. Romance
7. Chores
8. Pet Peeves
9. In-Laws
10. Jealousy
11. Feeling Interrupted
12. Feeling Ignored
13. Being talked about on FB
14. Feeling Rejected
15. Being Followed around the house (like during an argument); or Stalked
16. Being Talked About in a Negative Way by your Partner

Ideas How To Control Your Thinking, Feeling and Behaving when you are Angry:

(From Williams and Williams' "12 Strategies for Controlling Anger")   "We manage anger when we learn to defuse it before it becomes destructive.  Below, we've outlined 12 strategies that you can use to control anger when you experience it. These reflect an abridged version of 17 strategies that Drs Redford Williams and Virginia Williams described in their best-selling book, "Anger Kills.""

1. Acknowledge That You Have a Problem (Accept that we are angry.. that we have anger, right here, and right now...)

• If you find it difficult to manage your anger, the first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you have a problem.
• You can then make a plan to deal with it.

2. Keep a Hostility Log

• Do you know what causes your anger?  Chances are, you don't understand why you react angrily to some people or events.
• Download our Hostility log worksheet to monitor the triggers and the frequency of your anger.  When you know what makes you angry, you can develop strategies to channel it effectively.

3. Use Your Support Network

• Let the important people in your life know about the changes that you're trying to make. They can motivate and support you if you lapse into old behaviors.
• These should be give-and-take relationships. Put some time aside every day to invest in these relationships, especially with close friends and family. You need to be there for them, just as they're willing to be there for you.
• You can alleviate stress when you spend time with people you care about. This also helps you control your anger.

4. Interrupt the Anger Cycle

• When you start to feel angry, try the following techniques:
• Yell "Stop!" loudly in your thoughts. This can interrupt the anger cycle.
• Use physical relaxation techniques like deep breathing or centering.
• Count to 20 before you respond.
• Manage your negative thoughts with imagery and positive thinking.
• Close your office door or find a quiet space, and meditate for five minutes.
• Distract yourself from your anger – visit your favorite website, play a song that you like, daydream about a hobby that you enjoy, or take a walk.
• Another approach is to consider the facts of the situation, so that you can talk yourself out of being angry.
• To use this strategy, look at what you can observe about the person or situation, not what you're inferring about someone's motivations or intentions. Does this situation deserve your attention? And is your anger justified here?
• When you look only at the facts, you'll likely determine that it's unproductive to respond with anger.

5. Use Empathy

• If another person is the source of your anger, use empathy to see the situation from his or her perspective.
• Be objective here. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.

6. See the Humor in Your Anger

• Learn to laugh at yourself and do not take everything seriously.  The next time you feel tempted to lash out, try to see the humor in your expressions of anger.
• One way to do this is to "catastrophize" the situation. This is when you exaggerate a petty situation that you feel angry about, and then laugh at your self-importance.
• For example, imagine that you're angry because a sick team member missed a day of work. As a result, a report you were depending on is now late.
• To catastrophize the situation, you think, "Wow, she must have been waiting months for the opportunity to mess up my schedule like this. She and everyone on the team probably planned this, and they're probably sending her updates about how angry I'm getting."
• Obviously, this grossly exaggerates the situation. When you imagine a ridiculous and overblown version of the story, you'll likely find yourself smiling by the end of it.
• Watch the movie, "Anger Management". 

7. Relax

• Angry people let little things bother them. If you learn to calm down, you'll realize that there is no real need to get upset, and you'll have fewer angry episodes.
• Regular exercise can help you relax in tense situations. When possible, go for a walk, or stretch and breathe deeply whenever you start to feel upset.
• You will also feel more relaxed when you get enough sleep and eat a healthy diet.
• Dehydration can often lead to irritability too, so keep hydrated throughout the day by drinking plenty of water.  
• CLICK HERE TO Do a Stop, Breath, Focus, Relax, Reflect, Re-Focus, and Choose Wisely Exercise. 

 

8. Build Trust

• Angry people can be cynical. They can believe that others do things on purpose to annoy or frustrate them, even before anything happens. However, people often focus less on you than you might think!
• Build trust with friends and colleagues. That way, you'll be less likely to get angry with them when something goes wrong. You'll also be less likely to attribute the problem to malicious intent on their part.
• To build trust, be honest with people. Explain your actions or decisions when you need to, and always keep your word. If you do this consistently, people will learn that they can trust you. They'll also follow your lead, and you'll learn that you can trust them in return.

 

9. Listen Effectively

• Miscommunication contributes to frustrating situations. The better you listen to what someone says, the easier it is to find a resolution that doesn't involve an angry response.
• So, improve your active listening skills. When others are speaking, focus on what they're saying, and don't get distracted by formulating your response before they've finished. When they're done speaking, show that you listened by reflecting back what they have just said.

10. Be Assertive (Be Respectful to Everyone, All the time)

• Remember, the word is "assertive," not "aggressive." When you're aggressive, you focus on winning. You care little for others' feelings, rights, and needs. When you're assertive, you focus on balance. You're honest about what you want, and you respect the needs of others.
• If you're angry, it's often difficult to express yourself clearly. Learn to assert yourself   and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, and issues. When you do, you'll find that you develop self-confidence, gain respect, and improve your relationships.

11. Live Each Day as If It's Your Last

• Life is short. If you spend all of your time getting angry, you're going to miss the many joys and surprises that life offers.
• Think about how many times your anger has destroyed a relationship, or caused you to miss a happy day with friends and family. That's time that you'll never get back.
• However, you can prevent this from happening again – the choice is yours.

12. Forgive and Forget

• To ensure that you make long-term changes, you need to forgive people who have angered you.
•  It's not easy to forget past resentments, but the only way to move on is to let go of these feelings. (Depending on what or who is at the root of your anger, you may have to seek a professional's help to achieve this.)
• So, start today. Make amends   with one person that you've hurt through your anger. It might be difficult, but you'll feel better afterwards. Plus, you'll be one step closer to healing the relationship.

Key Points

• To manage anger, acknowledge that you have a problem, keep a hostility log, and build a support network based on trust.
• Also, use techniques to interrupt your anger, listen, empathize, be assertive with others, and learn to relax, as well as laugh at yourself.
• Finally, don't let anger get in the way of the joys in life, and learn to forgive people who make you angry." 

* CLICK HERE TO Complete Your ANGER MANAGEMENT & DV Worksheet *

Sources:

* The Anger Management Strategies (above) were drawn from “Anger Kills” by Dr.'s Redford Williams and Virginia Williams.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/anger-management/about/pac-20385186

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_97.htm

Anger Quotes collection borrowed 10/27/2020 from https://compassionpower.com/anger-management-quotes/ (Copyright 2020, Emotional Abuse, Anger Resentment, Healing.  Powered by WordPress.)

The Angry Book, by Theodore Isaac Ruben. 

(Original unedited Post, first posted Oct. 26, 2020) 

(c. 2020, All information on this Blog, Affiliated Blogs and linked Worksheets (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual                                                    and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.) 

 

What Makes Domestic Violence Happen? Acknowledging Our Human Motivations for DV-type Thinking, Perceptions, Feelings & Behaviors.

First of all: What is Domestic Violence?  

  One source says, Domestic Violence is: "Violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner" (Source).

  Another source says:   "Domestic violence means that in a relationship or marriage, one or both of the partners uses physical, sexual or psychological violence to try to get power or control over the other or due to losing their temper. Domestic violence can occur in heterosexual and same-sex relationships" (Source).

They also go on to state: 

  "In any culture or community, there are beliefs and attitudes that support domestic violence and beliefs and attitudes that do not support domestic violence. In most countries, laws exist to protect the victim of such violent acts. There are also organizations that can help in such situations." (Source).

In Colorado Law: 

"Domestic violence is any violent act or even a threat of a violent act against someone with whom the alleged offender has had an intimate relationship. The state actually takes this definition a little further, noting that domestic violence includes situations in which someone commits a crime against another person, animal, or property with the intent to do any of the following against someone with whom he or she had an intimate relationship:

Punish

Intimidate

Control

Coerce

Revenge

For example, the state may consider it domestic violence if someone breaks a former spouse’s property as a threat or out of anger. Based on these terms, there is no shortage of acts that could be considered domestic violence.

   And How does the state define “intimate relationship”?

"The law interprets several different situations in which people may have had an intimate relationship. For example, spouses, former spouses and either present or past couples fall into this category. Additionally, two people who have a child together, regardless of the terms of their relationship, are considered to have had an intimate relationship." (Source.)

Why do we do what we do?  Why do we do Domestic Violence?  

  When DV happens, it is likely that who ever did it will say that their reason for doing it was pretty much innocent.  Even though in many cases, they will also admit that how they did it was senseless, as well.  

  Clearly, there is no excuse for DV.  There is no excuse for hurting another person whether it is physical or emotional or social.  

  It is also important to note that Humans are NOT perfect.  

  At the same time, human beings are thinkers, feelers and doers.  We think, we feel, and we do.  However, many other things also influence how we think, what we feel, and why we do what we do.  But why do we do DV?

What Makes DV Happen?   

  First and Foremost, DV happens as a result of Choices.  

  Sometimes, we make poor choices.  They may be choices based on good intentions, mistaken information, misperceptions, misunderstandings, poor communications, intoxication or just plain bad-luck choices.  But the fact remains that DV Happens as a result of at least one choice.  

  And it's not necessarily a choice to do Domestic Violence all by itself; as much as it might be a choice to try and make something happen -- for which the resulting behavior could constitute Domestic Violence. 

  In other words, a lot of times, people do Domestic Violence without realizing that they are committing Domestic Violence.  Nonetheless, there are consequences for breaking DV-related Law(s) even if we do it without knowing it is against the law.

In order to find Possible Ways to Make DV Stop or to Prevent DV; we have to take an honest look at Why and How it Happens, Right?

  One Theory according to an Advocacy Agency about What DV Is and Why DV Happens says: 

"Domestic violence is any behavior, the purpose of which is to gain power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. Abuse is a learned behavior; it is not caused by anger, mental problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses" (Source). 

  Abuse tends to happen as a result of a choice.  But it's not necessarily a choice to abuse; as much as it might be a choice to do a particular thing in order to get a desired result.  Nonetheless, abuse is abuse.  There's no two ways about it. 

  Think about the Average Joe or the Average Jane:  Imagine that Joe or Jane just got a DV Charge.  What are some of the possible reasons why this DV Offense and subsequent Charge(s) Happened?  Why did Joe or Jane commit DV?  Here are just a few possibilities:

• Anger Problems; Angry Outbursts
• Deeply held beliefs about Sex Roles or Gender Roles
• Confusion about how to be an Intimate Partner
• Confusion about how to treat an Intimate Partner
• Jealousy / Insecurity / Paranoia
• A Failure to get Mental Health Help when it is really needed
• Traumatic feelings or worries about a possible break-up
• Substance Abuse tends to sometimes Make DV more likely as well
• Losing our Patience
• Too much Drama in/or around the Relationship
• Financial Problems and Related Stresses
• Pure unadulterated Revenge
• Dysfunctional upbringing -- Where DV seemed "Normal"
• Poor Communication skills
• One partner feeling like punishing another partner
• A Trauma Reaction -- like blowing up in a Panic
• Misunderstandings about things that are happening or not happening
• Having a totally absurd conceptualization of what Love is
• Misunderstandings about the terms or parameters of a Relationship
• Not knowing when to get out of a Relationship
• Not knowing how to get out of a Relationship in a respectful and peaceful manner
• One or BOTH partners simply NOT getting what they want or think they need
• Someone feeling embarrassed
• Not knowing when to take a break from a Relationship
• A Person disrespecting her or his Partner
• A Person not Respecting himself or herself
• Not being able to let go
• A Desire for revenge -- wanting them to feel our pain
• An inability to judge whether or not a situation is healthy to stay in
• A yearning to stay together just for the kids
• Poor self control
• A sincere belief that "Love Hurts" -- or is supposed to
  
• Short Temper
• Having a bad day
• Misplaced Anger
• Ignorance about the DV-related Law(s)
• Dishonesty within the Couple
• Extreme Stress without a good way to manage it
• Reactions to Infidelity / Cheating or suspicions of...
• Spying on, or Stalking one's partner
• Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of one's own Rights
• Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of the other partner's Rights
• Just plain Mean-ness
• Extreme Insecurity
• Dependent Personality Issues
• Attempts to use power to gain control over the situation
• Perhaps someone is threatening to tell others a big secret about their partner
• Attempts to use control to gain power over the situation
• Serious Fears about possible changes coming down the pike
• Fear of losing a good thing -- as if a Partner is a "thing"
• Neglecting to participate in Couple's Counseling at the right time
• When a Relationship gets too serious or too intimate too quickly
• Not paying attention to one's Self
• Not paying attention to situations
• Not paying attention to what is going on with others (how they feel about what we are doing)
• As a way to isolate a partner out of jealousy
• Not paying attention to the needs of one's Partner.
• Pure Evil.
• or 100% by accident; yet interpreted as deliberate or on-purpose.

Keep thinking about it...: 

  Why Does DV Happen?  

  How Does DV Happen?  

  The answers can be numerous. But the act of trying to figure this out could be good for us.

  First and foremost, we each MUST acknowledge the choices that we made that created this situation where we committed Domestic Violence.  It's like, if you got a flat tire;  you got to know which tire is flat and how to fix it before you can move on.  Nothing worse than fixing the wrong tire.  Right?

  Some scholars say that DV happens as a result of systemic issues.  In other words: A Systems Theory explanation for DV could be:  

"Domestic violence is a symptom of a family system that is out of balance. The normative structure of the family, the personality traits of the individuals in the family, and the stress and conflict that the family is subjected to combine to create an environment in which violence can occur" (Source.).  

  The "Causal Pie" (from which that definition (above) comes) offers numerous Theoretical Causes for Domestic Violence, ranging from Feminist Theory and Exchange Theory, to Learned Behavior Theory and others.  (Feel free to hit the link above to see that helpful information).

HOWEVER: It doesn't take a Theorist, to note that It typically takes a lot of things to make a DV Offense Happen.

  It's just not that simple is it?  

  It typically goes deeper than just our Behavior, right?

  It also typically goes deeper than just our thoughts, right?

  Further, it also typically goes to our feelings -- but more than that too, Right?  

  And it is typically based in more than just our perceptions -- about what is going on, right?

  Put it all together... and that's what we are working on here in order to prevent DV in the future.

  So Now -- Answer this question: 

"Why would one think or feel that the reasons or motivations that they thought of for their DV offense might have been the best solution(s) for them at the time that the Offense happened?" 

and "What was I thinking would come out of this choice and subsequent effort?" 

or "When thinking what I really wanted at that time; how on Earth was I believing that this behavior was going to yield the result that I wanted?"

 

  But Remember:  It's not about shame, blame or guilt.  It's more about getting to the bottom of it -- getting real clear in our minds and in our hearts about why this awful thing happened.  

  Once we can come to terms with how or why it happened, then we can really start to look at ways to make it stop - or even ways to prevent it in the future. 

 

 So what are you thinking at this point?  

 Why or how did your DV Offense Happen?

Finally -- What might be some ways to avoid this sort of thinking, behavior, and these negative outcomes in the future.

Now that that's done, let's look at some possible solutions.  What are some Ways to Make it STOP?  What are some ways to Prevent Domestic Violence in our Futures?

• Learning how to Take Our time in Starting Up Relationships.

• Learning how to Recognize when a Situation is Escalating in a negative way. 

• Learning about Our Own Strengths and Weaknesses; rather than focusing on the other person's Strengths and Weaknesses.

• Learning about the Rights that we have; versus the Rights that the other person has.

• Learning how to Recognize Our Triggers for Domestic Violence.

• Learning how to identify my DV Cues (the sensations within me that tell me that Imay be about to do DV or something worse).

• Learning when and how to Take Time Outs.

• Learning how to Build our own Confidence enough to where we make sound judgements in difficult situations -- and even judgements about what is best for us as Individuals; rather than always deciding what we think is best for us as a Couple.

• Learning how to Recognize, Respect and Set Healthy Boundaries.

• Learning how to Assess a relationship with a potential Costs / Benefit Analysis.

• Learning how to Communicate for Healthy Relationships -- during a Crisis.

• Learning how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus.

• Learning how to make an Effective Safety Plan for DV Prevention.

• Learning how to recognize when a Relationship is Dangerously Out of Control.

• Learning how to make an Emergency Toolkit for Prevention of DV.

• Learning how to either Stay Sober or how to Get Help for Staying Sober.

• Learning how to Stop trying to Control our Partners; and focus on simply Trying To Control Ourselves.

• Learning how to use our Healthy Support Systems in order to get away from the Danger of either being Victim of DV or becoming a Perpetrator of DV.

• Learning how to Manage Our Own Emotions; instead of Trying to Manage the other person's Emotions.

• Learning how to do Grounding Exercises.

• Learning how to Recognize Deep-Seated or Mental Health Problems and Get Help.

• Learning how to Stop the Cycle of Violence once it has started.

• Learning how to Identify Our Patterns that lead to DV -- including patterns that lead up to becoming Victims of DV; or becoming Perpetrators of DV.

• Learning how to Problem-Solve and how to Think More Clearly without Cognitive Distortions that tend to get us into Trouble.

• Learning how to Recognize Our Anger, and how to Manage Our Anger.

• Learning how to Respect Ourselves and Learning how to Respect Our Partners too.

• Learning when and how to Walk Away in a Peaceful and Respectful Manner.

• Learning about how to Love Ourselves more thoroughly before we again try to Love someone else.

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

Your Motivations for DV Worksheet. ***

Originally Published 2/1/2021)

Sources:

https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/#:~:text=Domestic%20violence%20is%20any%20behavior,alcohol%2C%20or%20other%20common%20excuses.

Google Search.

http://www.ndhealth.gov/injury/nd_prevention_tool_kit/docs/Causal%20Pie.pdf

https://www.leierlawoffice.com/articles/what-constitutes-domestic-violence-in-colorado/

https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Cycle of Violence: The Cyclical Nature of Our World as it Relates to Intimate Partner Violence

  First, it is important to know that this Cycle of Violence is NOT the Inter-Generational Cycle of Inherited Maladies and Tendencies.  Whereas the former Cycle is about how we tend to learn ways of thinking and behaving in our families of origin; the Cycle of Violence is about what we do as adults in our Relationships while we are a part of a system otherwise known as a Relationship or a Marriage.

  In other words, the Cycle of Violence is about the tendency to continue a bad or violent dance with our partner; until it gets so out of control that we tend to crash and burn. 

  It can also happen after we leave a partner, where we simply continue thinking and acting out behaviors that are self-destructive; and/or harmful to others.

  Think about it: This World operates on many MANY Cycles!  Such as the Lunar Cycles, the Earth's Seasons, Crop Rotation, Months and Seasons of each Year, Each Person has numerous Cycles going on -- such as each Generation of a Family, or the NEWS Cycle, Biological Cycles, pretty much every School operates on Cycles, Cicadas and Snakes (shedding their skins in cycles), and Humans do too.  And there's a good time of year to sheer your sheep because their wool grows and we don't want them to have that heavy wool during the hot Summer.  Our Financial Institutions and Government Agencies have their Fiscal Year-End, and they have their own cycles as well...  Some Flowers open up during the Sunlight; but then close at Night. and many many more!  

  Cycles are often a good thing -- and a natural thing... But like automobiles heading toward brick walls, it is better if certain cycles go slower or stop completely before they crash.

  Many survivors describe the abuse that they endured as happening in a cycle, meaning that there seems to be a pattern that occurs. 

  Of course, all relationships are different, and some do not fall into the cycle, however, when they do, the cycle described below is similar for many survivors. The Cycle of Violence consists of three phases, known as the:

Tension Building Phase

Explosion Phase / Crisis Phase

Honeymoon / Reconciliation Phase

 Click here to view a graphic of the Cycle of Violence by (Walker, 1979). 

Faster is NOT Always Better:

  Even after the first cycle completes itself which might take a year or more; it is time to try and stop and think about it, before we proceed.  But very few actually do that.  In other words, it is best to try and resolve and accept our differences; than it is to hold grudges and resentment in a relationship. Frequently, we are in such a hurry to get back to that comfortable state of being In-Love, so we overlook the problems that are right in front of us and hence we set ourselves up for yet another cycle -- one that could be much worse...

  And here we go again!!!

Tension-Building Phase:

  During this phase the victim often feels as though s/he is walking on eggshells, being extra careful not to trigger an explosion. The abuser may be moody or irritable. The victim senses a growing tension in the abuser and fears that the abuse could occur at any moment."

  Example:

• "I could feel it coming for about a week. Sam kept talking about being stressed at work and how I never understood how hard things were for him. I tried to be extra nice and made sure I had his favorite food around. I came home from my campus job early a few times to make sure that the apartment was clean so it would not add to his stress. Then finally, one evening I was sorting laundry and watching my favorite program, not paying attention to Sam. He must have said something to me, I am hearing impaired and cannot hear if there is a lot of background noise, and since I didn't respond he grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head around."

Explosion Phase: This is typically what most people think of when they hear of an abusive relationship. Yelling, hitting, pushing, punching, rape and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual violence can occur during this phase. The abuser may make threats of future violence against the victim, her family or her pets, pull out a weapon, or destroy property. An explosion can also take the form of extreme psychological or emotional abuse such as insults, mind games, embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty (locking them into a room, binding them, restricting their access to food, bathroom etc).

  Example:

• "We were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. At first he was just teasing me, then he started calling me names in front of his friends. Telling me I was stupid and that I embarrassed him. I told him I wanted to leave. We got up and went to the car. He insisted on driving me home that night. I was so mad at him for treating me like that, I just got in the car and was silent. This made him really mad. He started driving really fast, too fast and swerving all around. We almost hit another car. By the time we got to my place, I was crying and shaking. He yelled at me, saying that if I hated him so much why didn't I just run in and tell my daddy. He knew I wouldn't say anything. I would be in so much trouble if my family knew I was dating someone outside our religion, and he had already threatened to tell them himself if I ever complained..."

The Honeymoon Phase or The Reconciliation Phase: A cycle can begin or end with this phase. In order to regain control of the victim after an explosion the abuser often apologizes and promises that things will be better and that he/she will change, a tactic that instills hope in the victim. The abuser may blame the victim for the explosion and tell the victim that they are forgiven but that in the future they must help the abuser so that this does not happen again. The abuser gives the victim flowers, gifts, and sweet or romantic behavior to cement the reconciliation and reinforce that a time of peace and love (aka Honeymoon) has come to the relationship.

  Example:

• "A few days after the incident I was back with her. I don't know why exactly. She told me that she needed my help to get better. I guess I believed that I had somehow brought the violence out of her. That morning I'd been on the phone with a friend of mine that I knew she was jealous of, and I should have known it would make her angry. She loved me so much, and when it was good, it was so good. She made me feel so beautiful. We were happy like that for about six months until the tension started to build again."

Cycle Frequency/Duration: The cycle can happen hundreds of times during the course of an abusive relationship. One total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Each stage can vary greatly in the amount of time it takes to complete, and a stage may be skipped altogether. Typically the cycle shortens each time, so that very soon the honeymoon and tension building phases are shorter and the explosion is longer and more violent.

  Example:

• "It was really good with me and my boyfriend for like a whole year or something. Then he started to get angry a lot because he kept getting in trouble at school. He used to be a good student too, but this one White teacher had it out for him because he's the only Black kid in the honors class and spread around that he was a "problem kid". I mean I actually heard him talking to another professor about that. Anyway, my boyfriend was really upset about that, and sometimes he'd take it out on me, yelling and hitting me and stuff. I knew that wasn't right, but it wasn't right what was happening to him either and I wasn't going to get him into any more trouble with anyone. My mom told me that it's a crime how many young black men there are in prison. I wasn't going to do anything to add another one. But eventually it was like I couldn't even remember ever feeling good around him. It was like I was always afraid of him, and I would almost look forward to him hitting me just to get over with it. It got to the point he didn't even try to apologize anymore afterwards like he used to. I still didn't want to get him in trouble, though. I didn't know what to do."

  Per Doctor B, When the Cycle Speeds up, danger may not be far ahead.  When things get faster, we do not see as much of the detail as we need to in order to navigate safely.   And so, when the Cycle is going faster, such as if you are blowing up now and now again...  (whereas you used to blow up every six months); but you are now blowing every week for the last month; it is time to STOP Breathe Focus and Choose Wisely.  This way, you will have a fighting chance to avoid your Cycle of Violence from speeding up to a point where it is so fast that you end up with a DV Charge.

Question: So How am I going to break each Cycle .....

BEFORE it becomes too late???

  There is something to be said for the art of working through our differences; before our differences work through us... and we end up with a lot of built-up pressure and then eventually all the unresolved issues cause our boiling pot to boil over.  And then there is a Fight where there is disrespect (i.e., verbal violence) and/or possibly even physical violence.  

  Perhaps one of the most reliable keys to stopping this cycle is to learn how to resolve issues as they arise (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) BEFORE we get to a point where we feel that disrespect or violence can be justified.  And then we end up doing something awful that might never be forgotten.

  If one cannot do that.. then perhaps -- as difficult as it may seem -- it is time to walk away from the Relationship.

But WHY???

  It is also important to think about the probability that if we do not solve whatever is the root problem that we keep fighting about; then the cycle will probably just continue.

  And if it continues, then the faster it will get.  And then... the worse it gets.  The faster the cycle goes; the more likely someone is going to get hurt or even worse.

  And finally, if we continue the cycle without creating or allowing any solutions, then eventually, we will just keep acting on the cycle itself -- faster and faster and faster and becoming more dangerous with every spin...  When it comes to this, the ultimate self-control would include the willingness and ability to find a way to stop the cycle.  

  And because we cannot really control other people, sometimes the only thing we can really do is stop our own part of the fighting.  Even if it means we have to walk away from taunts by the other person saying that we are just losers.  We have to be mature enough to know that it ain't worth it.

  Simply put: There is nothing to actually win by putting down a person that we said that we loved; or by defeating that person, or by beating them in any way, shape or form.  Nothing good ever comes out of it.

*** Please Click Here to Complete your Cycle of Violence Worksheet. ***

Sources:

Source: (Campus Advocacy Network, Retrieved 8/31/2020.) (Other Source Info.)
Source: (Walker, 1979, Cycle of Violence.)
Source: The Author for the second Cycle of Violence Graphic Above is Unknown.
Source: (Click here to see other wheel-like adaptations to DV-Related Topics).

(Originally Published 8/31/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).