Picture a bridge between two people.... a conduit over which or through which all of the goodness of the Relationship and intensity flows... And it always takes two (or more) to maintain that bridge... This bridge cannot stand up there without being held on both ends... --- All the time. Then the question becomes: In a close, secure, and wonderful relationship; what would that bridge be made of? Intimacy.
Another author wrote:
“Intimacy means creating an authentic connection.
What is the meaning of intimacy? What intimacy means varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship. From context to context, the definition of intimacy changes and the meaning varies.
Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions. Intimate feelings may be connected or confused with sexual arousal. Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness, safety, trust and transparency among partners in a collaborative relationship.
For intimacy to be sustainable and nourishing it also requires trust, transparency and rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating.” (Source).
Types of Intimacy:
Surely, there are different types of intimacy depending on the persons involved as well as on the situation. Different types of Intimacy could include: Sexual, Emotional, Professional, and numerous others:
The Naya Clinics, writes: "Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity or friendship; closeness. While it may seem this applies to romantic relationships, intimacy is important in non-romantic relationships as well. It is essential to forming connections with others that are deep, lasting, and healthy."; reports that the different types of Intimacy include: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Creative, Experiential and Spiritual (Source.)
Whereas Author Rhett Smith states that there are 12 types of Intimacy shared between partners, including:
"Sexual Intimacy: Sharing passion and physical pleasuring
Emotional Intimacy: Being tuned to each other’s wavelength
Intellectual Intimacy: Closeness in the world of ideas
Aesthetic Intimacy: Sharing experience of beauty
Creative Intimacy: Sharing in acts of creating together
Recreational Intimacy: Relating in experiences of fun and play
Work Intimacy: Closeness of sharing common tasks
Crisis Intimacy: Closeness in coping with problems and pain
Conflict Intimacy: Facing and struggling with differences
Commitment Intimacy: Mutually derived from common self-interest
Spiritual Intimacy: Unity shared in religious expression
Communication Intimacy: Mutual understanding and affirmation" (Source.)
Look at it this way for a moment:
I propose that: Sexual Relationships Without Intimacy Probably Put Us More At Risk Of DV. -- Unless of course, we are simply intimate and one of the core pillars of our relationship is that our Sex is simply casual -- and NOT meaningful.
I was talking to a policeman once.. and I asked him what exactly constitutes Intimacy in terms of a DV Offense -- requiring that two people have or have had an Intimate Relationship? His response was that Intimacy was "Sex".
Think about this proposition: Sex Without Intimacy Probably Puts Us More At Risk Of DV
Sex Without Intimacy is probably NOT a partnership, not love, It might not even be liking, and it is quite possibly not as safe as Sex with Intimacy
Sex Without Intimacy is probably more dangerous for BOTH partners.
More Intimacy helps decrease Animosity.... helps increase more understanding and more acceptance and possibly even a deeper love.
What makes up intimacy? (If you wish to have an intimate
relationship, you probably need to do most or all of the following). An intimate relationship might contain -- like a Bridge between two intimate people -- it is made up of parts -- some of which are listed below:
Honesty: “Honesty is when you speak the truth and act truthfully. What is honesty? Many children understand a definition of honesty to be "don't lie". But a complete definition of honesty also means that an honest person doesn't do things that are morally wrong. If something you do is breaking the law or you have to hide it because you'll get in trouble, you are probably not being honest. What is honesty? – Honesty is speaking the truth. Honesty is being accountable. Lying is not honest (also called dishonest) because you are saying something that isn't true.”
Trust: “Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”
Respect: “It means valuing each other’s points of view. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different from you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.”
A mutual sense of Equality: “The quality or state of being equal: the quality or state of having the same rights, social status, etc.” When each has an equal right to determine whether she/he is being (or going to be) happy or sad. (Equal in spirit rather than in substance).
Humility: “The quality or state of being humble.” Can I apologize with sincerity when I mess up?
Forgiveness: “Allowing room for error or weakness.”
Liking and - or Attraction -- or Feeling Wanted (Not necessarily Sexual Attraction) to: “Feeling as if one wants to be around someone due to the way it makes her/him feel when they are together (i.e., happy, energetic, sexy, lovely, good about self).”
Spontaneity / Compromise: “Taking a risk, living life to the fullest, no plans, "don't think just do". To be spontaneous is to be the most relaxed go with the flow and have fun person, you would never get mad if plans changed you would get excited because then it would become spontaneous.” Or just being able to spontaneously have fun together.
Faith: “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.” (There may also be a Spiritual component here as well). A lot of successful couple share Faith; or they each have tremendous respect (if not admiration) for the faith that is held by the other partner.
Self-Awareness: “Is having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations, and emotions. Self-Awareness allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude, and your responses to them in the moment.”
Vulnerability: “Susceptibleness to physical or emotional attack or harm.” If you are with someone with whom you cannot feel vulnerable; you might be lacking intimacy.
Accountability: “The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.” Being willing to think critically about self, actions, thoughts and feelings – taking the good with the bad.
Patience: “The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.” Listening to someone (long enough -- and without distraction) and sincerely trying to understand what they mean. Taking your time.
Other qualities of Intimate Relationships could include: Hope, Unconditional Acceptance, Confidence, Interest, Affection, Affinity, and Altruism. Intimacy is often about being willing to work on it. Intimacy is not about being “perfect.” But it's about being sincere. Intimacy may even feel like “symbiosis.”
Thus, it was said earlier that Intimacy is a Voluntary Condition. Intimacy is like a bridge. It is held up (actively or passively) between two or more people. Intimacy is something that both people hold up and maintain. It takes two (or more) to do intimacy, and it often takes effort. It rarely happens without work.
Commitment and Integrity. Finally, Intimacy quite possibly requires a mutual sense of clarity about the integrity of the Relationship. In other words, if one person is in love; but the other is not; it may not be Intimacy.
Why is Intimacy So Important to Learn About in Domestic Violence Treatment?
For one, simply answer this question: How can Domestic Violence Effect (and/or be effected by) Intimacy? Or how could Intimacy be impacted by Domestic Violence?
- Did you and/or your partner have moments of dishonesty in relation to your DV event(s)?
- Did you and/or your partner find that the trust between you was challenged or destroyed in relation to your DV event(s)?
- If your partner or someone else called the police on you, could it be that this was an attempt to equalize the immediate situation between you and your partner?
- Did you and/or your partner ever find the other to be impatient with the other person or with yourself?
- When your DV event happened, were you 100% self-aware – aware of your partner?
- Have you totally owned up to (become accountable for) your part of what happened that got you into DV-related trouble? How did this measure up to the intimacy you shared?
- Finally Intimacy probably leads to a Kinship of sorts. A psychological kinship (Bailey).
NOTE: True Intimacy is not included in relationships that are about Power and Control!!! Intimacy is more likely to be found in relationships that are about Equality.
In other words, Intimacy and Domestic Violence cannot happen at the same time -- even in cases where there was a false accusation of Domestic Violence.
With the one possible exception: During the honeymoon phase -- of a conflict... just after the explosion..... both are trying harder and you might catch a (mistaken) glimmer of intimacy there... Like Intimacy is not even really there in such situations. However, many of us tend to see it during those times... Or Perhaps it is just wishful thinking. And maybe we just see the Intimacy in such situations because we are so hurt after fighting that we see want to see through our tears and our fears.
So Try to Guess for Yourself -- If two people are truly sharing Intimacy with each other; which of each of these dichotomous interactions will they be likely to share?
Violence and Disrespect vs. Respect and Non-Violence
Confrontation vs. Argument
Competition vs. Collaboration
Denial vs. Acknowledgement
Avoidance vs. Resolution
Blame vs. Accountability
Studying vs. Assuming
Curiosity vs. Prejudice
Rushing vs. Patience
Aggressive vs. Assertive
Jealous vs. Trusting
Unconditional Giving vs. Keeping Score
Letting her or him win at Chess vs. Checkmating her or him as fast as possible
Non-Disclosive / Appropriate (sometimes possibly even including TMI)
Discussion Question:
How was your experience of intimacy impacted by the DV that you took part in?
Some Definitions are From: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ and http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/ and http://oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/. Parts of the above were Compiled By Dr. Beverly, March. 2014
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