--> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles.
Then we are asked to think about and list the following:
- The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by? How might I do this???
- The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by? How might I make this happen???
- If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following? What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?
- Am I ready to make some changes?
- Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?
- If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me? Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?
- Do you need to make more changes?
For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.
- Learn how to take Time Outs when I need them.
- Learn how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus when needed.
- Respect yourself and others always.
- Plan Ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.
- Don't spy on your partner. Learn how to Trust my partner.
- Avoid Competing with my partner. Create Win-Win situations.
- Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.
- Always be willing to take my time.
- Be Sober.
- Watch out for Red Flags?
- If something in my relationship is Wonderful -- then It might be good to Tell my Partner About It.
- Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.
- Be aware of, and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.
- Apply what I know about Relationships in order to have healthy relationships
- Listen to, and pay close attention to my Partner. (Put down the phone, Turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.
- Learn How to Argue Respectfully -- To avoid fights -- Always be Respectful.
- Learn to always disagree in a Respectful manner. Create Win-Win solutions.
- Find things about the Relationship that make me feel Happy, Safe and Grateful.
- Am I willing to do things differently this time?
- If you feel a need for Treatment or could benefit from Treatment, then go get it.
- Be Careful. Be Courteous. Be Patient. Be Kind. Be Humble. Play nice.
- I should try to be aware of my Triggers. Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me. Keep my eye on the Ball.
- Learn how to Negotiate and Compromise and to Navigate with Patience.
- Get in the habit of Road-mapping potentially difficult situations.
- Use Fairness in Decision-Making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).
- Be careful never to Fight and never to be Disrespectful.
- Act with Prevention in Mind. Prevent problems. Get ahead of the Curve.
- Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.
- Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis.
- Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the Relationship. (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).
- Learn some good rules for Argument: One thing at a time. Listen. Be Flexible. The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.
- Don't ever try to make my Partner feel Ashamed.
- Stop Keeping Score of things that I do Good for my Partner.
- Stop Keeping Score of things that my Partner did Badly.
- Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the Relationship.
- Always be willing to Re-Think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.
- Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.
- Believe in my Self -- Increase my Self-Esteem. Do things that make me feel good.
- Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.
- Look for Positive Solutions -- even in Negative Situations
- Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.
- Remember to try and be Patient with my Partner.
- Don't ever Humiliate my Partner.
- Trying to find Win-Win Solutions.
- Never be Afraid to Make Positive Changes (Sometimes the Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know. But all the time, the Devil you know is the Devil.)
- Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.
- Always be Patient with myself. No one is Perfect.
- Never threaten my Partner in any way. Don't threaten or scare anyone.
- Always help my Partner feel safe.
- Don't ever call my Partner a Name other than a nice Name.
- Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.
- Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.
- And there are many many more ideas on how to have a Healthy Relationship......
Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).” It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”
Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions."
Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally. Being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing her/his opinions. This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are; It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day; It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable; It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."
Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting changes. Being willing to compromise." This often requires a bit of patience.
Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."
Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."
Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together."
Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together. Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."
Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."
Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact. This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language. This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.” See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying. Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased. It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken. Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.” And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.” Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.Economic abuse -- “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”
Blaming the Victim -- "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them. Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances. Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms. The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."
Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.
Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary, Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME. Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.
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