Getting Ready for a NEW YEAR: Planning for A Year without Domestic Violence and A Year with Healthier Relationships

How do we do it?  How do we plan for a New Year that will be free of Domestic Violence?

  Sure, we have had some really dark times.  Yes, we did get into trouble because we made some poor choices.  And there is little doubt that many of us also feel like we got a raw deal.

  However, we still have the power to make this situation come out better for us -- in the long run.  We have at least three choices here:

1. Do Nothing.  Just sit around feeling sad;

2. Get even more angry and sad about it and everything else and then spend the next few months being resentful instead of learning how to prevent ever again getting arrested for Domestic Violence.  Not feeling like learning how to have healthier relationships; Or

3. We can look ahead.  Stop and take a good look at that rising SUN up ahead.  Notice how the dark clouds above us seem to be ending about one-third of the way toward the Horizon out there.  Ask ourselves a question: Are we going to sit here and obsess over those dark clouds?  Or are we going to take advantage of the opportunity before us?  In order to take those first steps?  Are we ready to take the actions that we need in order to be willing and able to let go of the losses as we move forward -- as we move forward toward the Sunshine and hopefully a New Year without Domestic Violence?  

  Are you READY?

  First, we have to be clear about what DV Is.  What is Domestic Violence?  Let's sample a few possibilities here.

  According to the Violence Prevention Alliance, DV can be defined as:   

"The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation" (Source).

  For further clarification about this important question -- (What is DV?) -- we also searched other parts of the Web.  We found that according to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence: 

“When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. (However) This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.” (Source). 

  Also, on a related train of thought about Violence itself, we found that we need to keep other things in mind as well.  Such as the larger context of Violence.  For example, according to the Newfoundland Labrador the types of Violence include:  

Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Cultural, Verbal, Financial, Racial and Neglect (Source).

  And to that list, Dr. B might add: digital / electronic violence (via social media), as well as social violence (destroying reputation). 

  As for the Colorado law that defines domestic violence (DV) is CRS 18-6-800.3.  It states that "“domestic violence” means an act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship" (Source). 

  Then this definition of DV brings out more questions about our topic, such as: What is Intimacy?  What constitutes an intimate relationship?  Does it have to be sexual, in order to be intimate?  Or, can it be emotional only and still be intimate?  Some scholars might feel that one can be emotionally intimate with another person, without having sex.  Furthermore other people might define intimacy differently than that.

 This brings us back to the questions of:

1. How do we define Violence here?  Remember -- in relation to Domestic Violence -- Violence does not have to actually cause physical harm.  It does not have to be directly against another person -- It can be against yourself.  And the harm that it causes, does not have to happen right away.  And further,

2. Does Domestic Violence have to only happen between people who have had sex?  Or is Domestic Violence also possible between people who are emotionally close -- but have not had sex -- and may never have sex?

  Historically, in the Domestic Violence Treatment Community, the Duluth Model a.k.a. the Duluth Power and Control Wheel has been a very popular model for generally pinpointing the types of DV.  Basically, this model lists various behaviors that could be considered Violence; particularly in the context of an intimate relationship.

According to the Duluth Model website, The Power and Control Wheel was created In 1984, when the “staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups of men who batter and victims of domestic violence.  The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women”. 

“Whereas, The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to (having a) non-violent partnership.  For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel.  So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change” (Source).

   It is safe to say that Many DV Offender Treatment Providers have been following this model for a very long time.  Yes.  And it's also important to note that this model has been adapted into many many different forms; such as a Wheel form this model that was adapted for Female Abusers.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheel, DV includes the following types of Violence:

• Physical and Sexual Violence (outer ring)
• Using Intimidation
• Using Emotional Abuse
• Using Isolation (Jealousy)
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
• Using Children (as a weapon against the other partner or Ex)
• Using Male Privilege (or Female Privilege)
• Using Economic Abuse
• Using Coercion and Threats

  And the Object for each of us is to get from there -- The Power and Control Wheel -- stuck in those DV-Type Behaviors; to the Equality Wheel, and the opposite types of behaviors; which reflect Equality, and include the list below. Think of this part as how to plan for a Year with Healthier Relationships.  Theoretically, rather than including the above Power and Control-type behaviors; Healthy relationships should include the following:

• Non-Violence
• Using Non-Threatening Behavior
• Using Respect
• Using Trust and Support
• Using Honesty and Accountability
• Using Responsible Parenting
• Using Shared Responsibility
• Using Economic Partnership
• Using Negotiation and Fairness

  This process can be Quite involved.  And it is important to remember that such changes can take longer than one might think.  This is a gradual process for most people.  Further, it is so, because we have to change the ways that we perceive things, the ways that we react, the ways that we feel about things, the ways that we think about things, and the ways that we behave.  This is why we have DV Offender Treatment.

Planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year as well as Planning for Learning how to have Healthier Relationships: 

  So how do we go about the task of planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year?  The First Step could be in getting our mind ready.  Hence, we might need to back-track a little bit.  

Think about the following questions:

• Name 3 things you lost as a result of this offense?
• Who else was impacted by this offense?
• What are some things they lost because of this offense?
• List 3 reasons to never again commit DV, or get charged with a DV Offense?
• List 3 reasons or benefits of having potentially healthy relationship?

  In moving forward from here, we also need to consider these questions:

• Identify our strengths that can help us move forward.  What are our strengths that could help us have healthier relationships?
• Identify our Risk Factors.  Ask yourself, What are my Risk Factors?  Risk Factors are those things that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship?  (One can find a list of Potential Risk Factors at this link; or at this link).
• What are some ways that we can Neutralize, Eliminate, Avoid, or Suspend our Risk Factors' ability to impact us or influence us to commit DV?

  Then after that, we need to make a plan.  Consider the following Questions:

• What are 2 Problems or Challenges that get in the way (or could get in the way) of our ability to be in Relationships or to LOVE without DV?
•   Problem 1 is: 
•   Problem 2 is: 

• For Each Problem or Challenge, we need to have its Goal:
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 1: 
•    What would be our Goal regarding Problem 2: 

•  Each needs a plan:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 1 – What steps would we need to take:
•     What would be our plan for solving Problem 2 – What steps would we need to take:

    Now, all we need to do is put this plan into practice, and move forward from there.  And we can start thinking about How Could We Learn How To Have Healthier Relationships?

*** CLICK HERE to complete your 

Planning for a Year Without Violence Worksheet.***

(Originally posted 12/28/2020)

Sources:

  https://www.who.int/violenceprevention/approach/definition/en/

  https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/types-of-abuse/

https://www.shouselaw.com/co/defense/laws/domestic-violence/#:~:text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20is,defines%20domestic%20violence%20(DV).&text=CRS%2018%2D6%2D800.3%20states,involved%20in%20an%20intimate%20relationship.

  https://www.gov.nl.ca/vpi/files/nine_types_of_violence.pdf

  https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wheels/faqs-about-the-wheels/#:~:text=Why%20was%20the%20Power%20and,and%20victims%20of%20domestic%20violence.&text=The%20tactics%20chosen%20for%20the,universally%20experienced%20by%20battered%20women

  

  

The Holidays can be a Great Time to Move Forward: Planning for a Nourishing and SAFE Holiday

   This is a time of year when many Americans and others celebrate Winter Solstice, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day.  And others who celebrate Christmas might say "Merry Christmas" in different ways, such as the Navajo saying: “Yá'át'ééh Késhmish” Merry Christmas in the Navajo Language."  Or others say, "Nittak Hullo Chito Na Yukpa (Merry Christmas) from. Chief Batton and the Choctaw Nation!"  And Latinos say, "Feliz Navidad!"

  Personally, I focus mainly on Christmas because this is a tradition that I understand more than I do others. 

  I know from my personal experience that along with Giving, Sharing, Blessing, Gratefulness, and the Joy and Celebration of Christmas, Forgiveness can also be a true Blessing of Christmas.  The Holidays can also be a time of huge Stress, Unpleasant Surprises and Disappointment.  All of these (the good and the bad) can cause STRESS.  And STRESS often leaves us open to negative thinking and problematic behaviors.

  On the other hand: for many, the Holidays bring mixed emotions.  With Holidays often comes feelings like Joy, happiness... and yes.. homecomings and forgiveness.

  ""We know based on research that violence and abuse rates go up in times of tension and stress and holidays happen to be a lot of financial stress," said Lizzy Kennedy, Communication Outreach Coordinator at Shelterhouse in Midland."

  "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. ... Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses" (Source).

  I would guess that most of us have something or someone to forgive.  Likewise, we each have probably also been wronged in one way or another at some point(s) in our lives.  Furthermore, we each have probably also done someone else wrong in our lives.  It is sad to think of all the energy that gets tied up in resentment for the wrongs that have been done to people over the ages.  

  It's like, if we could all just take a break from the anger and the resentment for a while; perhaps some of the violence would also cease.

  Unfortunately Domestic Violence does not take a Holiday.  And some even say that it gets worse during the Holidays.  

  For example: One person recently posted on the Internet in an article titled, "Domestic Violence and the Holidays: What You Should Know":

  "On the night before Thanksgiving 2020, 9-1-1 dispatchers in Albuquerque got a call regarding an unresponsive woman. When the ambulance arrived, Nicole was pronounced dead at the scene, with suspicious marks on her neck and face that denoted beating and strangulation. Her boyfriend, Francisco, who had made the call to 9-1-1, was arrested for murder and tampering with evidence.

  Unfortunately, this true story is all too common, especially in Albuquerque. Women often experience domestic abuse or violence on or around major holidays, including Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, and even Super Bowl Sunday. Many victims are unable to escape, in spite of the holidays being a time of family reunions, warm conversations, and generosity.

  According to statistics, domestic abuse increases over the holidays, for a number of possible reasons:

•   Stress from holiday shopping, finances, and planning can aggravate volatile personalities.
•   Abusers are more likely to partake of alcohol or drugs when they don’t have to work.  And when people drink too much alcohol this can often lead to violence.
•   Simple opportunity: Abusers are more likely to be home alone with their victims than at other times of the year" (Source).

  Hence it almost goes without saying that people should be extra careful during the Holidays to have a Happy and Safe Holiday -- and that goes for potential abusers and potential victims of Domestic Violence as well.  

So What About The Holidays and Forgiveness: A Potentially Overlooked Blessing of Christmas?

  Forgiveness is a Virtue that is frequently offered and given in Christianity. 

  And also, the Eighth Night of Hanukkah is about Forgiveness for some people.  “Forgiveness is important in Judaism and is a duty, or a mitzvah that Jews should try their best to obey. Teachings on forgiveness can (also) be found in the Torah” (Source).

  Additionally, as a Christian, Dr. Martin Luther King expressed how he believed in Forgiveness.  

– “Despite Doctor King’s several arrests and detention, he drew strength from the power of love, forgiveness and non-violence.  He said: “Forgiveness does not mean ignoring what has been done or putting a false label on an evil act.”  It means, rather, that the evil act no longer remains as a barrier to the relationship.  He further said that forgiveness is a catalyst creating the atmosphere necessary for a fresh start and a new beginning, and we are free from the mental block that impedes new relationships.  Forgiveness means reconciliation, a coming together again. Without this, no man (or woman) can love his (or her) enemies.  The degree to which we are able to forgive determines the degree to which we are able to love our enemies."

"These prophetic expressions of Doctor King's still reverberate as inspiration to oppressed people all over the world” (Source).

  Also, in a post on "Practicing Forgiveness", another author shared that this time of year provides an excellent opportunity for Forgiveness.  They write: “Forgive them – not for them, but for you” (Source).  In other words, give yourself the gift of Forgiveness, by forgiving either your self or someone else this Holiday Season.

  This idea seems also to fit with the notions about forgiveness that Dr. King shared, because it is believed by Christians that Jesus taught about how loving your enemies can be good for you.  And how Forgiveness can help bring about a Renewal of sorts.  

  Christmas and these other holidays can be about renewal as well.  However, many people in other traditions also believe that "renewal" requires a letting go of the past -- just for a little while, if not forever.  

  These Holidays (and others) can be about letting go of the pain from the past.  It's about recognizing the need to move on.  It's also about realizing that you have the power to choose to move beyond the negative, and possibly into the positive.  It's about not letting the ugliness of things that happened before to color your day today.  It's about overcoming that fear of moving forward.  And it's about living for today.  And finally, it's about recognizing that being here now; is a blessing in and of itself.  And its also about finding a sense of gratitude for your blessings -- no matter how small or seemingly insignificant they are.

  As one author wrote, and as is believed by many: "Christmas means Hope, Love and Peace" (Source).  

  Therefore, this part of the Christmas / Hanukkah / Kwanzaa Spirit can be about Love, Hope, Peace, and all that those things bring, such as Celebration, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, and Moving Forward as well.  

  However, this is not about any particular Religion.  This about letting go and moving forward for your own piece of mind.

  A lot of people think that in order to Forgive, one has to contact someone else; or that one has to do something or spend money or go out of their way....  But Forgiveness does not require any of that.  Remember Forgiveness does not require anything other than a willingness to let go of certain awful feelings about something or someone that negatively effected you in the past.  Forgiveness is Free and it also doesn't require that you actually do anything physical or social.  All you need do is look inside your heart and if you look deep enough, you will probably find it there.

  Forgiveness doesn't mean that bad things did not happen in your past.  It means that you are no longer willing to let those horrible feelings hold you back.  It's not always easy.  But its doable.  And in many ways, believe me....  it can be worth it.

  It's about recognizing that even if you don't have the emotional or financial resources to make Christmas what some think it should be; it is important to recognize that Celebrating, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Looking Forward, Creativity and Moving Forward are each available to us -- all of us, FREE OF CHARGE!  And that such thoughts and feelings can bring about wonderful gifts.

Discussion Questions:

• What does this time of year mean to me?

• What do I celebrate at this time of year?

• What or who are some things or people that I am most Grateful for at this time?

• What/Who are some people or things that I feel I can Forgive at this time?

• What things / thoughts / behaviors do I feel that I can Put Behind me at this time?

• In What ways do I feel that I am Looking Forward at this time?

Why a Safety Plan?

   Safety planning is relevant because the Holidays are here, stress is bound to increase (Distress as well as Eustress).  It is important that each of us has an idea of things I can do and people I can reach out to and resources I can use if needed -- just in case I start to get  stressed out during this time.  Hence, I ask myself the following questions:

• The Safety Plan begins with a commitment to do the Right Thing as needed.  Am I committed?

• Are there people I might see or think about during the Holidays that might present certain challenges for me?

• What will I do if I find myself around or with anyone who is totally negative, or who is using or abusing drugs or alcohol this Holiday Season?

• If I feel down or lonely or as if I might act out, or if I want or need someone to talk to, or if I feel like I am vulnerable to taking a drink or using drugs, I will contact the following supports?

• If I become tempted in any way to use abuse, violence, or substances during this Holiday Season, I will instead do the following?

              *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

                      your Holiday Safety Plan! ***

(Originally Posted: 12/21/2020)

Sources: 

https://womenagainstcrime.com/domestic-violence-and-the-holidays-what-you-should-know/

https://discoverlivingalive.com/practice-forgiveness/

https://onbeing.org/blog/postcards-for-hanukkah-the-eighth-night-forgiveness/

https://blogs.shu.edu/diplomacyresearch/2013/12/31/martin-luther-king-jr/#:~:text=MLK%20said%3A%20%E2%80%9CForgiveness%20does%20not,a%20barrier%20to%20the%20relationship.&text=%5B11%5DForgiveness%20means%20reconciliation%2C,man%20can%20love%20his%20enemies.

How Do I Talk About my Domestic Violence Offense? What if they just won't (or can't) let it go?

   Item G-1-C of The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's (DVOMB) Core Competencies for Treatment of Domestic Violence Offenders requires us to learn how to NOT be Defensive when the victim or our children or even another person reminds us of the things we have done -- including the DV Offense.

  This Core Competency reads: "The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors."  

  "Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable".  

  How do people normally tend to react when someone brings up something that could be painful, embarrassing, or even scary?  Could be difficult, right?

  Some may want to keep that ugly thing -- that we call our DV Offense -- in the past.  Whereas others might be okay with discussing it right here and right now.  

  And many would probably just rather keep moving forward into the future -- and totally forget about the past while they put it all behind them.  

Why Bring It Up In The First Place?

  Why would someone want to talk about this?  Why do you think someone -- say a Victim -- might want to talk about what happened back then -- right NOW?  

  Some Reasons Someone Might Want To Talk About It Could Be:

• Perhaps they never again want this awful thing to happen to them.  So they just need some reassurance from us that we are accountable and that any future possible tragedies can and will be prevented;
• Or maybe they need to know that we are committed to making sure it never happens again;
• It might it be that they sincerely don't really understand what really happened that day?
• Maybe, they really don't understand why it happened?  And they want to know.
• Could it be that They are still angry at us about what happened -- and they just want to exorcise their demons?
• Maybe they just need to clarify the past in order to move forward into the brighter future?
• Or it could be that they still feel they need an apology from us for what we did and for the impact on them of what happened?
• They are trying to hurt us -- or get us back by making us talk about it?
• It could be that they just want us to leave, and they know that we don't want to talk about it, so they won't let us forget it as long as we are there?
• They might have been triggered about a past trauma that was brought up by this offense and they are bringing it up to us now?
• Or they were deeply traumatized by what happened with us?
• Maybe this event was shocking and scary to them and they just want to know why it had to be that way?
• They are worried about what the future might hold if it happens again?
• Or it could be that they want reparations?
• Might be that they have some doubts and they just want us to re-assure them?

  What Might Stand In The Way Of Us Being Able To Face Such A Question and Respond To It In a Constructive Way?

  What are some reasons why we might hesitate when it comes to responding to these types of questions?

• Maybe we are just tired of hearing about it?
• Might we be afraid that if we talk about, it could make it happen again?
• Could it be that when they express their doubts, it makes us feel insecure too?
• Or could it possibly be that we are afraid that our own Anger is going to explode if we think about it too much?
• Might it be that we just feel too bad about what happened to be able to discuss it in a reasonable manner?
• Perhaps we just feel totally incapable of making this situation right; hence, we want to avoid thinking or talking about it?
• Maybe it even be that we are still in such denial that we have no clue as to what we did and who got hurt and how?
• Or Might we think that if it's painful and it's in the past; why should we talk about it now?
• Could it be that whenever they bring it up, I get a weird feeling inside -- like a panic attack or even rage?  And I am afraid that I just can't handle it the right way?
• Maybe we feel like when they bring this up; they are just trying to start another fight?
• Might it be that we prefer to live in the Present and keep the Past far behind us?
• Or we might feel like "It's just not worth it.  Thinking and talking about something that only brings more negative feelings"?
• Might we even feel re-traumatized whenever someone brings it up in the first place?

  So there are lots of good reasons to be able to talk about the Offense.  And some people have certain reasons why they do not want to talk about it.  But there is a reason why a Victim might really want and NEED to talk about the Offense -- and given that they are the Victim; they kinda have a Right to talk about, correct.  They also should be able to ask questions about what happened.  And although it could be the hardest thing we ever did; we should try and be willing and able to give them answers in a respectful way.  

Hence Our Mission as DV Offenders:

  All the Core Competency asks is that we accept that our Partner or Victim might bring this up from time to time.  And furthermore, in Treatment our primary Goals include: 

• Accountability, (Like I need to own what I did and the pain it caused to others.
• Empathy for the Victim(s), (Like I need to develop an understanding of what it must have been like for the Victim -- I need to have empathy), and 
• I need to Master some skills for Prevention of DV in the future -- among other things  (Like Now a-days, I need to be much more prepared to be able to prevent DV).

But then there is our own EGO to consider.  (Our EGO is what holds our Mind Together and keeps us from Crumbling or becoming Defensive when we are faced with something very challenging or even embarrassing).  And talking about our DV Offense could be both challenging and embarrassing. 

Question:  How could we handle this type of situation in a way that does these three things:

1. Provides a way that shows empathy and possibly even sympathy for the impact of what we did to the Victim; 

2. And in a way that doesn't make us hurt worse...  (We don't want to let it make us too mad.).

3. But we are also required to DO NO HARM... Hence we really need to learn ways of never letting this happen again in our lives. 

This can be a tricky set of tasks... 

  The Human EGO can be a funny thing.  It has all kinds of reflexes that it does in order to protect us from decompensation (a fancy word for "going crazy".) 

  But still -- WEEEEEE just want to MOVE ON!!!

  So, take a minute and entertain the following analogy:  

Look at it this way; If my 17 year-old daughter's boyfriend hit her in the face and caused her pain and serious fear; wouldn't I want them to either:

1. Break up forever; or

2. If they were going to stay together: we would want that they would both be able to totally reconcile this event -- including all due accountability, apologies, penance if needed, and even treatment if it could help?  

I mean, if they were going to stay together -- My daughter and this man who hurt her -- wouldn't I need to see accountability, and BOTH empathy and sympathy on his part in order for me to feel anywhere near okay about them staying together?

 > > > SO the point is that Perhaps talking about the Offense can help us get 

that Big PURPLE ELEPHANT out of our Living Room. < < <

Question:  

  If you were going to speak with the Victim about your DV Offense, what would you say?

  If you were going to speak with a New Person You Were Dating about your DV Offense, what would you say?

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

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This is a requirement.  Please Click here to work on a Treatment Plan.

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
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NOTES: 

And now for yet another Analogy -- just to drive the point home:

Then Finally -- There is Always Hope for Truth and Reconciliation:  

  Check out this example:  

 “Apartheid (South African English: /əˈpɑːrteɪd/; Afrikaans: [aˈpartɦɛit], separateness; lit. "aparthood") was a system of institutionalised racial segregation that existed in South Africa and South West Africa (now Namibia) from 1948 until the early 1990s” (Source).

  The Apartheid era in South African history refers to the time that the National Party led the country's white minority government, from 1948 to 1994.  "Max Coleman's authoritative book analyzes all deaths due to political violence from 1948 to 1994 in South Africa and Namibia.  According to the HRC statistics, 21,000 people died in political violence in South Africa during Apartheid - of whom 14,000 people died during the six-year transition process from 1990 to 1994."

  It is important to know that South Africa has been a very violent place for many years.  Members of the Black African Native population had been politically, economically and violently dominated for this period and many had been unjustly killed.  People were killed in South Africa for things that Americans take for granted.  In the U.S.A., you can speak your mind about the Politics and no one can legally touch you for it.  Whereas in South Africa at this time, many of the Black Population were imprisoned or killed for doing just that.  They were killed or imprisoned simply for wanting their freedom.

  Mandela had been a Political Prisoner: "He was arrested and imprisoned in 1962, and subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for conspiring to overthrow the state following the Rivonia Trial.  Mandela served 27 years in prison, split between Robben Island, Pollsmoor Prison and Victor Verster Prison" (Source). 

“In April 1994, South Africans of all races voted in the country’s first democratic elections, choosing Mandela as their first black president. The inhumane apartheid regime seemed to be miraculously ending peacefully, though much work remained to improve the lives of all South Africans.” (Source). 

  Following Mandela's Election, there was much work to be done.  "Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC). The TRC was created by Nelson Mandela’s Government of National Unity in 1995 to help South Africans come to terms with their extremely troubled past. It was established to investigate the violations that took place between 1960 and 1994, to provide support and reparation to victims and their families, and to compile a full and objective record of the effects of apartheid on South African society" (Source).

  In order to try and heal the Country from 50 years of Apartheid -- which was like Jim Crowe or Racism on Steroids, the New Government, headed by Nelson Mandela decided to try and handle the differences between the oppressors and the oppressed using what was called The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions. 

  The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions were set up in South Africa following the end of Apartheid (1995).  

  "The mandate of the commission was to bear witness to, record, and in some cases grant amnesty to the perpetrators of crimes relating to human rights violations, as well as offering reparation and rehabilitation to the victims." (Source).

  In short the idea here was to find a peaceful, non-violent solution that was as healthy as possible for everyone involved... both Victims and Perpetrators.

Now: 

  If they could do it in South Africa -- an entire Country; then perhaps two people who are in a Couple -- and have had DV between them -- can also do it.  

  That is if they truly want to and choose to do so in a constructive manner.

  But, just as with Truth and Reconciliation Commissions; Whoever did whatever they did to hurt or kill people -- if they wanted Forgiveness from the Families of their Victims; or a Pardon or Amnesty from the Commission -- they were required to publicly come out and be truthful about what they had done; also to show remorse; and ask for forgiveness.

  Hence, how is it really that difficult to truly own my DV Offense?  Just to own what I did?  And to own whatever someone else did in reaction to what I did; or had to do in order to deal with the impact of what I did?

  There are numerous other questions that could also be related to this:

  What are some likely reactions when someone reminds us of our DV Offense(s)?

  How should I handle it when they remind me of what I did that got me that offense?

  How should I handle my DV Offense when it comes to discussing it in NEW Relationships?

  How do I feel about my DV Offense -- myself?

  How do I feel when someone brings it up?

  How do I feel when my (Ex-) Partner wants to talk about what happened?

  How do I feel when my son or daughter (or other close family member) wants to talk about what happened?

  Who's fault was it?

  Who's responsibility is it now to be sure that it does not happen again?

  What might be some good ways for me to make sure that it won't happen again?

  What would be the best way to talk about my DV Offense if I wanted to demonstrate that I have truly moved beyond it?

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

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Mental Illness: Personality Disorders, Other Psychiatric Disorders, Substance Abuse Issues and Domestic Violence

   Some couples who find themselves in the middle of DV-related messes find that they both contributed to the situation.  Other couples fall into the depths of DV-Hell because one partner has a much larger DV-related Challenge than does the other; while this other is simply the Victim.  

  Some Couples -- whether they stay together or separated are able to expediently get their acts together; figure out what the problems are/were that put them at risk of another DV Offense; Take Steps to solve the problem; and then one or both of them move along their merry ways and never cross DV's doorstep again.

  Either way, some couples also find that one or both partners have psychiatric, psychosocial, psychopathic, sociopathic or other related problems that make it very difficult for either one or both of the partners to move on in a healthy way. 

 At the same time, it is important to note that the primary cause of Domestic Violence Behavior is the choice that one (or both) persons made just before it happened. 

Psychiatric Disorders and DV

   First and foremost, we each should try to accept that all humans have challenges, and many of us are working on our issues; while others are not.  That being said, it is probably a fact that virtually all human beings have parts of psychological disorders (however small or large) in their minds and they manifest in the presentation of their personalities; as well as in their behaviors.  Also, it is very important that people understand that the actual diagnosed disorders as briefly summarized below have many more conditions, symptoms and features than are  listed herein.  One cannot make a sound diagnosis based on the info in this article.

  This module is not intended to marginalize people with psychiatric challenges.  Because essentially, this applies to all of us in one way or another.  

  It's important to understand that the field of Psychiatric Disorders includes two basic types of disorders: Major Syndromes (like Depression or Schizophrenia) and Personality Disorders (like Narcissistic or Antisocial).  Additionally is is helpful to understand also Personality Disorders used to be called "Characterological Disorders".

   Personality Disorders have been believed by many who work in the field of Domestic Violence Prevention to be contributors to -- or Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.  These can include: Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, and others (Source 1).

Keep in mind: Regardless of a Personality Disorder; if a person commits DV against another person, they will probably be held accountable by the Courts and by the Community regardless as if the Disorder does not matter.

  It is also very important to understand that just because someone seems to have some sort of personality flavor or flaw as a characteristic in their thinking and behavior; it does not mean that they would qualify for an official diagnosis of that Personality Disorder or other Psychiatric Disorders.  

"What are Personality Disorders?  Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from other people. An individual’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations) and inherited characteristics. A person’s personality typically stays the same over time. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time.1

There are 10 specific types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are long-term patterns of behavior and inner experiences that differs significantly from what is expected. The pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood and causes distress or problems in functioning. Without treatment, personality disorders can be long-lasting. Personality disorders affect at least two of these areas:

• Way of thinking about oneself and others
• Way of responding emotionally
• Way of relating to other people
• Way of controlling one’s behavior" (Source).

Some DV Advocates have even created a form of a Personality Disorder that they call, "Abusive (or sadistic) Personality Disorder".

"Those with sadistic personality disorder derive pleasure from the distress caused by their aggressive, demeaning, and cruel behavior toward others. They have poor ability to control their reactions and become enraged by minor disturbances, with some sadists being more severely abusive."  (Source)

Narcissistic Personality: "Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others or lack empathy."  (Source).

Borderline Personality: "Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness."  (Source).

Antisocial Personality: "Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, or may act impulsively."  (Source).

  It is possible that some DV problems are NOT related to Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders; but rather could be attributed to -- at least in part -- to a Dependent Personality Disorder; or a severe Anxiety Disorder or Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.  And of course, there is also data that supports the idea that Substance Use and Abuse can be a strong contributor to Domestic Violence Thinking, DV Feeling and DV Behavior.  These Disorders are commonly defined in the following ways:

Dependent Personality: "Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. People with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear or inability to take care of themselves."  (Source).

Anxiety Disorder: "Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations. It can alert us to dangers and help us prepare and pay attention. Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness or anxiousness, and involve excessive fear or anxiety. Anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and affect nearly 30 percent of adults at some point in their lives. 

But anxiety disorders are treatable and a number of effective treatments are available. Treatment helps most people lead normal productive lives.  Anxiety refers to anticipation of a future concern and is more associated with muscle tension and avoidance behavior.  Fear is an emotional response to an immediate threat and is more associated with a fight or flight reaction – either staying to fight or leaving to escape danger.

Anxiety disorders can cause people to try to avoid situations that trigger or worsen their symptoms. Job performance, school work and personal relationships can be affected.  In general, for a person to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the fear or anxiety must:

• Be out of proportion to the situation or age inappropriate
• Hinder your ability to function normally

There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder and separation anxiety disorder." (Source).

Depressive Disorder: "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home.  Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Symptoms must last at least two weeks and must represent a change in your previous level of functioning for a diagnosis of depression.  Also, medical conditions (e.g., thyroid problems, a brain tumor or vitamin deficiency) can mimic symptoms of depression so it is important to rule out general medical causes.

Depression affects an estimated one in 15 adults (6.7%) in any given year. And one in six people (16.6%) will experience depression at some time in their life. Depression can occur at any time, but on average, first appears during the late teens to mid-20's. Women are more likely than men to experience depression. Some studies show that one-third of women will experience a major depressive episode in their lifetime. There is a high degree of heritability (approximately 40%) when first-degree relatives (parents/children/siblings) have depression" (Source).

Bipolar Disorder: "Bipolar disorders are brain disorders that cause changes in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function. Bipolar disorder is a category that includes three different conditions — bipolar 1, bipolar 2 and cyclothymic disorder.

People with bipolar disorders have extreme and intense emotional states that occur at distinct times, called mood episodes. These mood episodes are categorized as manic, hypomanic or depressive. People with bipolar disorders generally have periods of normal mood as well. Bipolar disorders can be treated, and people with these illnesses can lead full and productive lives." (Source).

Substance Use or Abuse Disorder: "What is Addiction: Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life. They keep using alcohol or a drug even when they know it will cause problems. Yet a number of effective treatments are available and people can recover from addiction and lead normal, productive lives."

"People can develop an addiction to:

• Alcohol
• Marijuana
• PCP, LSD and other hallucinogens
• Inhalants, such as, paint thinners and glue
• Opioid pain killers, such as codeine and oxycodone, heroin
• Sedatives, hypnotics and anxiolytics (medicines for anxiety such as tranquilizers)
• Cocaine, methamphetamine and other stimulants
• Tobacco"

"People with a substance use disorder have distorted thinking, behavior and body functions. Changes in the brain’s wiring are what cause people to have intense cravings for the drug and make it hard to stop using the drug. Brain imaging studies show changes in the areas of the brain that relate to judgment, decision making, learning, memory and behavior control.

These substances can cause harmful changes in how the brain functions. These changes can last long after the immediate effects of the drug. Intoxication is the intense pleasure, calm, increased senses or a high caused by the drug. Intoxication symptoms are different for each substance.  Over time people with addiction build up a tolerance, meaning they need larger amounts to feel the effects.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for a variety of reasons, including:

• to feel good — feeling of pleasure, “high”
• to feel better — e.g., relieve stress
• to do better — improve performance
• curiosity and peer pressure

People with addictive disorders may be aware of their problem, but be unable to stop it even if they want to. The addiction may cause health problems as well as problems at work and with family members and friends. The misuse of drugs and alcohol is the leading cause of preventable illnesses and premature death.

Symptoms of substance use disorder are grouped into four categories:

• Impaired control: a craving or strong urge to use the substance; desire or failed attempts to cut down or control substance use
• Social problems: substance use causes failure to complete major tasks at work, school or home; social, work or leisure activities are given up or cut back because of substance use
• Risky use: substance is used in risky settings; continued use despite known problems
• Drug effects: tolerance (need for larger amounts to get the same effect); withdrawal symptoms (different for each substance)

Many people experience both mental illness and addiction. The mental illness may be present before the addiction. Or the addiction may trigger or make a mental disorder worse." (Source).

Discussion:  

  Everyone has a personality.  Many DV Offenders have some of these Disorders as listed above -- or other disorders.  However, no DV Offense can be 100% attributed to such disorders.  Why?  Because lots of people with such disorders have never had a DV Offense.  If nothing else, at least we must have made some choices in order to get into trouble.  It is the disorders, however, that often impact our opinions that lead us to such bad choices.  But still, it is us making the choices.  And too often, one of those choices is to NOT get help for our disorders.  Sometimes, we are unaware of our issues until after we start getting help for the symptoms.

  And many DV Victims have these problems as well.  And it is imperative to accept the fact that even if she or he has serious problems, that does not excuse abusing her or him. 

  And most everyone has some personality, thinking, feeling of behavior features that might remind them or others of Personality Disorders.   Everyone has some anxiety and some depression in their lives.  Substance abuse is perhaps the king of them all.  Many MANY DV Offenders were using drugs or alcohol when they got into DV Trouble.  Everyone finds patterns in their lives.  And often their patterns can tell them a lot about their behavior.  

  Another way to look at this is to consider also that many people commit Domestic Violence while they are trying to help (or make) their partner stop using alcohol or drugs; or when they are trying to get their partner the help that they need for a mental illness.  It is important to consider however, that whenever such a situation arises, who ever is trying to help someone stop using drugs or alcohol or trying to help (or make) them start getting help for an untreated mental illness MUST ALWAYS be respectful of that person's privacy and respectful of that person's Rights.

  It is important to know about these things... And to know this is not about shame or guilt.  It is about awareness, accepting responsibility, getting help if needed, and moving forward in a healthier way.

  The first step here is to do some serious soul searching, and then to get help if things like this are Risk Factors for you in your relationships. And effectively addressing such issues truly can improve the quality of your life.  So Go For It!!!

*** Please CLICK HERE To Complete your

PSYCHIATRIC DISORDERS & DV Worksheet. ***

References for SA and DV:

 “What is the link between violence and alcohol use?  Alcohol plays a large role in criminal activities and violence. Excessive drinking has the ability to lower inhibitions, impair a person's judgement and increase the risk of aggressive behaviors. Because of this, alcohol-related violence and crime rates are on the rise throughout the country.”  (https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/crimes/#:~:text=Alcohol%20plays%20a%20large%20role,the%20rise%20throughout%20the%20country.)." 

 

Song List for Discouraging Substance Abuse 

to Listen to While You Do Your Worksheets

No No No Song, Ringo

Stuck in the middle with you.

Pusherman

Surrender

Needle and the Spoon

Purple Haze

She Talks to Angels

Cocaine Blues

Life in the Fast Lane

Truckin

Go Ask Alice

La Flaca

(Originally Published 11/2/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).