Empathy Recognition, Emotional Intelligence, and Their Potential Role in Forgiveness and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Empathy can be defined as: According to Hodges and Myers in the Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, “Empathy is often defined as understanding another person's experience by imagining oneself in that other person's situation: One understands the other person's experience as if it were being experienced by the self, but without the self actually ... (Hodges & Myers, 2019).

  It's important to know that Empathy is about Understanding another person's experience.  But Empathy is NOT about Feeling Sorry for them.

  “Empathy is a broad concept that refers to the cognitive and emotional reactions of an individual to the observed experiences of another."

  (We do a lot of this by the way...  Watching TV... right?) 

  Question: 

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

  "Having empathy increases the likelihood of helping others and showing compassion."  In this way, Empathy might in fact lead to Sympathy.

  “Empathy is a building block of morality—for people to follow the Golden Rule, it helps if they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes,” according to the Greater Good Science Center, a research institute that studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being. 

  “It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.” (Lesley.edu, 2019),

Empathy in Relationships:

  “The 3 Types Of Empathy You Need To Strengthen Your Relationships include:

• Cognitive Empathy. When you hear the phrase “try to walk a mile in the other person's shoes,” you're discussing cognitive empathy, Goleman says. ...  

• Social Empathy. Another set is the social side of empathy. ...  "  Social empathy is the ability to understand people by perceiving or experiencing their life situations and as a result gain insight into structural inequalities and disparities." (Source).  To really get down and get where that person is at right now.

• Empathic Concern.” (Huffpost, 2019).  "Refers to other-oriented emotions elicited by and congruent with the perceived welfare of someone in need.^[1][2]  These other-oriented emotions include feelings of tenderness, sympathy, compassion, soft-heartedness, and the like.  Empathic concern is often and wrongly confused with empathy. 
• To empathize is to respond to another's perceived emotional state by experiencing feeling of a similar sort. 
• Empathic concern or sympathy not only includes empathizing, but also entails having a positive regard or a non-fleeting concern for the other person.^[3]"  (Source.)

• What does it mean to you when someone else Empathizes with you?

• What does Empathy mean to you?  

• What does Empathy mean for you in your personal relationships?  

• How could Empathy -- and understanding -- or attempting Empathy help you in navigating your personal relationships?  

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAN HELP with EMPATHY DEVELOPMENT

“Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. There are five key elements to EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills” (Source).

   Video Link for: "What is Emotional Intelligence?"

   Video Link for "Developing Emotional Intelligence"

   Video on Emotional Intelligence

  Six Key Parts of Emotional Intelligence:

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Regulation

3. Motivation

4. Empathy

5. Validation

6. Social Skills

 EVER Thought About Moving Empathy Towards Sympathy...???

  Dr. Martin Luther King was somewhat of a Genius when it came to Empathy.  He actually convinced his marchers to have empathy for those who were attacking them in order to help their attackers to have empathy (and possibly even sympathy) for his marchers and their cause.

Dr. Martin Luther King and Nonviolent Resistance

   “Nonviolence

  As a theologian, Martin Luther King reflected often on his understanding of nonviolence. He described his own “pilgrimage to nonviolence” in his first book, Stride Toward Freedom, and in subsequent books and articles. “True pacifism,” or “nonviolent resistance,” King wrote, is “a courageous confrontation of evil by the power of love” (Source). Both “morally and practically” committed to nonviolence, King believed that “the Christian doctrine of love operating through the Gandhian method of nonviolence was one of the most potent weapons available to oppressed people in their struggle for freedom” (Source).

  King was first introduced to the concept of nonviolence when he read Henry David Thoreau’s Essay on Civil Disobedience as a freshman at Morehouse College. Having grown up in Atlanta and witnessed segregation and racism every day, King was “fascinated by the idea of refusing to cooperate with an evil system” (Source).

  In 1950, as a student at Crozer Theological Seminary, King heard a talk by Dr. Mordecai Johnson, president of Howard University. Dr. Johnson, who had recently traveled to India, spoke about the life and teachings of Mohandas K. Gandhi. Gandhi, King later wrote, was the first person to transform Christian love into a powerful force for social change. Gandhi’s stress on love and nonviolence gave King “the method for social reform that I had been seeking” (Source).

  While intellectually committed to nonviolence, King did not experience the power of nonviolent direct action first-hand until the start of the Montgomery bus boycott in 1955. During the boycott, King personally enacted Gandhian principles. With guidance from black pacifist Bayard Rustin and Glenn Smiley of the Fellowship of Reconciliation, King eventually decided not to use armed bodyguards despite threats on his life, and reacted to violent experiences, such as the bombing of his home, with compassion. Through the practical experience of leading nonviolent protest, King came to understand how nonviolence could become a way of life, applicable to all situations. King called the principle of nonviolent resistance the “guiding light of our movement. Christ furnished the spirit and motivation while Gandhi furnished the method” (Source).

  King’s notion of nonviolence had six key principles.

1.   First, one can resist evil without resorting to violence.
2.   Second, nonviolence seeks to win the “friendship and understanding” of the opponent, not to humiliate him (Source).
3.  Third, evil itself, not the people committing evil acts, should be opposed.
4.  Fourth, those committed to nonviolence must be willing to suffer without retaliation as suffering itself can be redemptive.
5.  Fifth, nonviolent resistance avoids “external physical violence” and “internal violence of spirit” as well: “The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent but he also refuses to hate him” (Source ). The resister should be motivated by love in the sense of the Greek word agape, which means “understanding,” or “redeeming good will for all men” (Source).
6.  The sixth principle is that the nonviolent resister must have a “deep faith in the future,” stemming from the conviction that “The universe is on the side of justice” (Source).

  During the years after the bus boycott, King grew increasingly committed to nonviolence. An India trip in 1959 helped him connect more intimately with Gandhi’s legacy. King began to advocate nonviolence not just in a national sphere, but internationally as well: “the potential destructiveness of modern weapons” convinced King that “the choice today is no longer between violence and nonviolence. It is either nonviolence or nonexistence” (Source).

  After Black Power advocates such as Stokely Carmichael began to reject nonviolence, King lamented that some African Americans had lost hope, and reaffirmed his own commitment to nonviolence: “Occasionally in life one develops a conviction so precious and meaningful that he will stand on it till the end. This is what I have found in nonviolence” (Source). He wrote in his 1967 book, Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?: “We maintained the hope while transforming the hate of traditional revolutions into positive nonviolent power. As long as the hope was fulfilled there was little questioning of nonviolence. But when the hopes were blasted, when people came to see that in spite of progress their conditions were still insufferable … despair began to set in” (Source). Arguing that violent revolution was impractical in the context of a multiracial society, he concluded: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. The beauty of nonviolence is that in its own way and in its own time it seeks to break the chain reaction of evil” (Source)."

Finally, it should be noted that along these lines, Dr. King also wrote: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

Wrap - Up:

  If we practice more Non-Violence; we can develop more Empathy for others and for ourselves as well; and if you can practice Emotional Intelligence, then we can also develop even more Empathy for Others and for ourselves.  And if we can have more empathy for others; we can understand them better; and then -- if we really try, we will be more likely to be able to co-exist peacefully.

  *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Recognizing Empathy Worksheet. ***

   <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>

Sources: 

 (By Dr. Beverly, March 2018)

 Hodges & Myers, (Retrieved  3/26/2019, from: https://www.google.com/search?q=empathy+ definition+psychology&oq=empathy+defintion&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j0l5.7709j1j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8).

 (Lesley.edu, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy).

 (Huffpost, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, from: https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_56f171cde4b03a640a6bcc17).

Footnotes for King Piece: 

King, “Pilgrimage to Nonviolence,” 13 April 1960, in Papers 5:419–425.

King, Stride Toward Freedom, 1958.

King, Where Do We Go from Here, 1967.”  (SOURCE).

Other King Citations in Text Above (In order of presentation): King, Stride, 80; King, Stride, 73; King, Stride, 79; Papers 5:423; King, Stride, 84; Stride, 85; King; King, Stride, 86; King, Stride, 88; Papers 5:424; King, Where, 63–64; King, Where, 45; King, Where, 62–63; Stride, 79; Papers 5:422).    

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

About Relationships: Unhealthy versus Healthy

What is a Relationship?   What is an UnHealthy Relationship?   What is a Healthy Relationship?   Have you Ever stopped to Think About The Differences?

  Have you ever stopped to think that one of the reasons why we get DV Charges is because we might be lacking in our understanding of how Relationships really work?  What are some of the differences between Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships?

  Perhaps the first and most important factor to consider about having a relationship is whether or not I am emotionally, socially, financially, professionally and/or in the right mind and in the right place to have a Healthy Relationship?

  Relationships can be BOTH complex and simple.  So it can really help if we first get educated about Relationships before we go any further.  

But first, we need to ask: What is a Relationship?   

  According to Oxford Languages, A Relationship is: "the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected."

  Or a Relationship can be viewed as: "the state of being connected by blood or marriage."  "they can trace their relationship to a common ancestor"

  Or "the way in which two or more people or groups regard and behave toward each other..  "the landlord–tenant relationship"  (Source.)

• 
  

  So then, a Relationship is about a CONNECTION.  What TYPE of Connection?  

  In Psychology, the American Psychological Association, states that a Relationship might be viewed as: “A continuing and often committed association between two or more people, as in a family, friendship, marriage, partnership, or other interpersonal link in which the participants have some degree of influence on each other's thoughts, feelings, and actions.” (Source.).

What Types of Relationships are there?

  "According to Very Well Mind regarding Basic Types of Interpersonal and/or Informal (no legal contract) Relationships, they write: “Relationships typically fall into one of several different categories (although these can sometimes overlap):

Family relationships

Friendships

Acquaintances

Romantic relationships

Exclusive relationships

Sexual relationships

Work relationships

Situational relationships (sometimes called "situationships")"  (SOURCE.)

And add to those, at least two more:

            "Professional Relationship"

            A "Relationship based on a Psychological Kinship" (This would be a Relationship where you feel like Family; and you are treated like family; but you are neither biologically or legally related to each other (Bailey, K. G., 1987)). 

  Further, any of these relationships (above) can be different in intensity, length, depth, consistency, and can also last different lengths of time and even have different sets of rules or parameters.  The one consistent part is that they all usually up to the two (or more) people involved.

  Additionally, "Very Well Mind also says there are different FORMS of Relationships (Healthy Ones and Unhealthy Relationships) including:

Platonic Relationships

Romantic Relationships

Exclusive Relationships

Codependent Relationships

Casual Relationships

Open Relationships

Long-Distance Relationships

and finally, Toxic Relationships" (SOURCE.)

Below are Descriptions of these different types of Relationships: 

"Platonic Relationships

  A platonic relationship is a type of friendship that involves a close, intimate bond without sex or romance. These relationships tend to be characterized by:

Closeness

Fondness

Understanding

Respect

Care

Support

Honesty

Acceptance

  Platonic relationships can occur in a wide range of settings and can involve same-sex or opposite-sex friendships. You might form a platonic relationship with a classmate or co-worker, or you might make a connection with a person in another setting such as a club, athletic activity, or volunteer organization you are involved in.

  This type of relationship can play an essential role in providing social support, which is essential for your health and well-being. Research suggests that platonic friendships can help reduce your risk for disease, lower your risk for depression or anxiety, and boost your immunity.1

  Platonic relationships are those that involve closeness and friendship without sex. Sometimes platonic relationships can change over time and shift into a romantic or sexual relationship."  (SOURCE.)

 

"Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships are those characterized by feelings of love and attraction for another person. While romantic love can vary, it often involves feelings of infatuation, intimacy, and commitment.

Experts have come up with a variety of different ways to describe how people experience and express love. For example, "psychologist Robert Sternberg suggests three main components of love: passion, intimacy, and decision/commitment. Romantic love, he explains, is a combination of passion and intimacy."2

Romantic relationships tend to change over time. At the start of a relationship, people typically experience stronger feelings of passion. During this initial infatuation period, the brain releases specific neurotransmitters (dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin) that cause people to feel euphoric and "in love."

Over time, these feelings start to lessen in their intensity. As the relationship matures, people develop deeper levels of emotional intimacy and understanding. 

Romantic relationships often burn hot at the beginning. While the initial feelings of passion usually lessen in strength over time, feelings of trust, emotional intimacy, and commitment grow stronger."  (SOURCE.)

 

"Codependent Relationships: 

A codependent relationship is an imbalanced, dysfunctional type of relationship in which a partner has an emotional, physical, or mental reliance on the other person.

It is also common for both partners to be mutually co-dependent on each other. Both may take turns enacting the caretaker role, alternating between the caretaker and the receiver of care.

Characteristics of a codependent relationship include:

Acting as a giver while the other person acts as a taker

Going to great lengths to avoid conflict with the other person

Feeling like you have to ask permission to do things

Having to save or rescue the other person from their own actions

Doing things to make someone happy, even if they make you uncomfortable

Feeling like you don't know who you are in the relationship

Elevating the other person even if they've done nothing to earn your goodwill and admiration

Not all codependent relationships are the same, however. They can vary in terms of severity. Codependency can impact all different types of relationships including relationships between romantic partners, parents and children, friendship, other family members, and even coworkers.

Codependent relationships are co-constructed. While one partner might seem more "needy," the other partner might feel more comfortable being needed.

Someone who feels more comfortable being needed, for instance, may avoid focusing on their own needs by choosing a partner who constantly needs them." (SOURCE.)

 

"Casual Relationships

Casual relationships often involve dating relationships that may include sex without expectations of monogamy or commitment. However, experts suggest that the term is vague and can mean different things to different people.

According to the authors of one study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, "casual relationships can encompass situations such as:3

One-night stands

Booty calls

"Sex" buddies

Friends with benefits

Such relationships often exist on a continuum that varies in the levels of frequency of contact, type of contact, amount of personal disclosure, discussion of the relationship, and degree of friendship. The study found that people with more sexual experience were better able to identify the definitions of these labels compared to people with less sexual experience.

Casual relationships are often common among young adults. As long as casual relationships are marked by communication and consent, they can have several sex-positive benefits. They can satisfy the need for sex, intimacy, connection, and companionship without the emotional demand and energy commitment of a more serious relationship.4

Casual relationships tend to be more common among younger adults, but people of any age can engage in this type of relationship. Consent and communication are key." (SOURCE.)

 

"Open Relationships

An open relationship is a type of consensually non-monogamous relationship in which one or more partners have sex or relationships with other people. Both people agree to have sex with other people in an open relationship but may have certain conditions or limitations.

Open relationships can take place in any type of romantic relationship, whether casual, dating, or married.

There tends to be a stigma surrounding non-monogamous relationships. Still, research suggests that around 21% to 22% of adults will be involved in some type of open relationship at some point in their life.5

The likelihood of engaging in an open relationship also depends on gender and sexual orientation. Men reported having higher numbers of open relationships compared to women; people who identify as gay, lesbian, and bisexual relative to those who identify as heterosexual were more likely to report previous engagement in open relationships.

Such relationships can have benefits, including increased sexual freedom and pitfalls such as jealousy and emotional pain. Open relationships are more successful when couples establish personal, emotional, and sexual boundaries and clearly communicate their feelings and needs with one another.

Open relationships are a form of consensual non-monogamy. While there is a primary emotional and often physical connection between the two people in the relationship, they mutually agree to intimacy with other people outside of the relationship."  (SOURCE.)

 

  Oh Wait!!!  This is about Preventing Domestic Violence, Right???  Many DV-related events occur in Unhealthy Relationships.

   What about UNHEALTHY (Romantic) RELATIONSHIPS?  What does an Unhealthy Relationship Look Like?

  While some of above types of Relationships can result in DV; the Toxic Relationship best describes a Relationship where Violence is most likely.

"Toxic Relationships

A toxic relationship is any type of interpersonal relationship where your emotional, physical, or psychological well-being is undermined or threatened in some way. Such relationships often leave you feeling ashamed, humiliated, misunderstood, or unsupported.

Any type of relationship can be toxic including friendships, family relationships, romantic relationships, or workplace relationships.

Toxic relationships are characterized by:

A lack of support

Blaming

Competitiveness

Controlling behaviors

Disrespect

Dishonesty

Gaslighting

Hostility

Jealousy

Passive-aggressive behaviors

Poor communication

Stress

  Sometimes all people in a relationship play a role in creating this toxicity. For example, you may be contributing to toxicity if you are all consistently unkind, critical, insecure, and negative”  (SOURCE.)

What about HEALTHY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS?

What is a Healthy Relationship  -- What does a Healthy Relationship Include the following.  Better Help suggests that "All relationships are different, but most healthy ones have the following characteristics:   

  Respect

  Intimacy

  Trust

  Effective Communication

  Friendship

  Connection

  Commitment

  Healthy Conflict

  Flexibility

  Enjoyment"

  

  They add: "If you feel that your relationship is lacking in one or more of these areas, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is unhealthy. Instead, it indicates that you and your significant other may have an opportunity to grow and improve together. Online couples therapy is one way to cultivate your relationship health."  (SOURCE.) 

  Okay.... so what?  What do I do now???  Well, perhaps a FIX is in order???

How Can You Fix A Relationship that is Having Problems:

  According to Meaghan Rice PsyD., LPC writing for TALKSPACE, some of the Most Common Relationship Problem Areas can be:

Communication

Arguments

Staying Close

Sex and Intimacy

Infidelity

Money

Trauma

Showing Gratitude

Children

Keep Things Exciting

Battling over Chores

Trust and Safety

Change in Life Goals

Same Fight Different Day”

 

Remembering to implement any or all of the following can be beneficial in any relationship:

Say please and thank you

Express dissatisfaction without using profanity or name-calling

Schedule regular date nights, even if they’re during the day or at home

Be proactive about pleasing your partner sexually

Spend time asking questions about each other’s wants and needs

Take time outs from debates that seem to be turning into arguments

If you want to solve your relationship issues, remember what it was that first attracted you to your partner. Ask yourself where the relationship problem is stemming from, and then take action to improve the situation. Be honest with your partner and enjoy rediscovering the excitement of your love.” (SOURCE.)

   Finally, One could also consider Couple’s Therapy.  However, one cannot do Couples Therapy until AFTER they have successfully completed DV Treatment.   

  

How About Some DBT-STYLE Informational VIDEOS To Help Improve Your Relationship(s)?

The GIVE Method Video.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #7: Trust in Relationships  CLICK HERE!

DEARMAN: How to Communicate Assertively.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #10: Coping Ahead.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #1: Recognizing Your Emotions.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Emotion Regulation #2: Being Effective.  CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #5: Listening & Validation VIdeo.. CLICK HERE!

DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness #1: Communication Styles.  CLICK HERE!

***  Click Here to Complete Your 

Qualities of Self and Partners 

in Relationships Worksheet  *** 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

The Dangers Of Domestic Violence

  Many of the Costs of DV are paid by the Victims, their Children, and by their Friends and Families.   Those who commit DV also pay a price as well -- on different levels. 

  But an often overlooked cost is the Price and the Pain that Community Members pay -- especially the First Responders.

 I'm saying a Special Prayer this morning for the people of Burnsville, Minnesota where 2 Police Officers and 1 Fireman were killed while responding to a Domestic Violence call.  

  DV is one of the most dangerous situations our Public Servants are called to help in.  Thankyou to all who serve in dangerous situations.  Stay Safe. 

  Click HERE to Read the Story

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You? A Process Approach

NOTES>>> DRAFT >>> DO NO DUPLICATE!

  Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach

One thing for certain: There are few things more natural than two Humans pairing off together... and doing what they do...  If nothing else, it keeps the species going.  And by the way, Animals do it too.. kind of...  (I think....)

  But unfortunately, for those who are not doing it...  That is pairing off together ---  it can feel empty, left out... rejected, neglected and down right out of place.

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence --  Now how the heck could those two things be related to each other...

  "Some people get into Domestic Violence situations on Valentine's Day because the other person is expecting special attention.. some affection, a gift, or maybe even flowers... and a CARD!....    But it doesn't always come through that way -- does it...  

  Otherwise, this day could turn into a fighting day and that could yield some DV.  Or if nothing else... it might become a good reason for someone to break up with someone else.

  This is a hard topic... it tends to stir up feelings.... Why?

Unrealized expectations...  ?

So what is so special about Valentine's Day? 

From the Article: “Violence and Valentine's Day: A brief reprieve from abuse.”

  “This Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a happy, loving, committed relationship or you are one of the many people who will be celebrating “Singles Awareness Day,” one of the things that you may be thankful for is a brief reprieve from domestic violence.

  Although there is anecdotal evidence that Valentine’s Day is connected to a spike in domestic abuse, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Valentine’s Day is actually one of three days where there is actually a slight decrease in reports of domestic violence (the other two are Thanksgiving and Christmas).

  This is a tiny bright spot within a very dark issue that usually only comes to light when a celebrity has been caught on tape abusing their partner or because someone who you have never heard of has been killed after years of abuse.

  Sadly, domestic violence is overwhelmingly common in the United States. Twenty people are physically abused by their partners every minute. Nearly 5 million women are victims of physical abuse by their partners every year and over 38 million women in the United States have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.”  (Source).  

How do you feel about Valentine's Day???

You say... Valentine's Day is Made Of what???  

  Love, Happiness, Candy.. Sweetness... Appreciation, Gratitude..  Gifts...  Recognition, Intimacy..... Sexual Intimacy.. Victoria's Secret makes a fortune on Valentine's Day....

  Or Valentine's day could be sad and lonely for a lot of people as well...

  Perhaps when these things happen.. and people experience painful rejection... loss.... fear... sadness...  Lots of pain.

  So perhaps all this could be avoided... if we each... just show a little kindness... 

  Being kind to the person you are with is not a bed thing.. Being extra nice to your children or family... and maybe even celebration of the relationships that you are gifted with.....  Or .. it could be celebrating a friendship... with anybody... or some other type of relationship.. such as the one that St. Valentine might have felt like when he chose NOT to deny his belief in Jesus which cost him his life...  (Maby Valentine's Day is about a Love that one cannot deny....)  For he was killed for refusing to give it up or renounce his love for Christ even under the penalty of death.....  

  On the other hand, some might think that Valentine's Day should be ignored, or minimized..

  One person even said, "I think Valentine's Day is Stupid!"

She continued, "There should not be just one day to dedicate or to get or to give chocolates... Rather it should be a consistent effort from both sides...  To me.. I like little things that are consistently done by each other to show their love for you..   Add a surprise just to make you happy or smile..  it should not be just ONE day out of the year and also it does not have to be EVERY day either."

So let's take a DEEPER DIVE -- What is the Origin of Valentine's Day:

  “The "Feast" (Latin: "in natali", lit.: on the birthday) of Saint Valentine originated in (what was called) Christendom and has been marked by the Western Church of Christendom in honour of one of the Christian martyrs named Valentine, as recorded in the 8th century Gelasian Sacramentary.” (Source).

Who was St. Valentine?

  “The very brief vita of St Valentine states that he was executed for refusing to deny Christ by the order of the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 269.” 

  “Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino; Latin: Valentinus) was a 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Western Christianity on February 14 and in Eastern Orthodoxy on July 6. From the High Middle Ages, his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love.  He is also a patron saint of Terni, epilepsy and beekeepers.[2][3] Saint Valentine was a clergyman – either a priest or a bishop – in the Roman Empire who ministered to persecuted Christians.[4] He was martyred and his body buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14, which has been observed as the Feast of Saint Valentine (Saint Valentine's Day) since at least the eighth century.[5]

  Relics of him were kept in the Church and Catacombs of San Valentino in Rome, which "remained an important pilgrim site throughout the Middle Ages until the relics of St. Valentine were transferred to the church of Santa Prassede during the pontificate of Nicholas IV".[6] His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome."  (Source.).

How did Valentine's Day start in the US."

"Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in the third century. The exact origins of the holiday are not clear, but it is believed to have originated as a Christian feast day to commemorate Saint Valentine."  (Source).....  

  What is the deeper meaning of Valentine's day?  (Could it be that The martyr Valentine who died for refusing to deny Christ... was basically like Christ reportedly loving the people and the Church for ever -  like a wife.).

The Deeper Deeper Meaning Behind Valentine's Day 

  "It is about sacrifice and devotion, love and honor, in the face of overwhelming and dangerous odds.  While making your Valentine's Day plans, remember St. Valentine who was willing to give his life in pursuit of love and marriage, and ask yourself if you would be willing to do the same for those you profess to love." (Source.).

"One is the Loneliest Number..."  Dealing with Valentine's Day as a Single person or a Non-Attached Person:  Let's Try A PROCESS APPROACH -- a good way to work through your feelings

  As noted above: Few things in human life are more natural than pairing off.

  Thus unfortunately, to some people, if a person is not paired off, there's something wrong with them...  Which is not always the case.

  So What's it like if you do not have anyone on Valentine's Day?  Do you Celebrate "Singles Appreciation Day"..

  Some people suggest: "Make February a Month about you... Give yourself things.. not everybody else...  (A time to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance). 

  Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in and the past.

Radical Acceptance Video: By Wackett 

Questions to Ponder: 

  What is One Little thing I could Change in my Life that might improve how I feel on Valentine's Day?  

  Have you ever considered Serenity.  

  What feelings does Valentine's Day bring up for you?

  Ever felt really sad or left out or like a Loser on Valentine's Day?

  Valentine's Day without my Valentine -- Seriously??? 

  What is it like to feel like there is someone out there who will never give up on you?

  Is there someone out there who you will never give up on?

  Isn't it nice when both people feel that way?

Let's go back a little bit:

  What are your Earliest MEMORIES OF Valentine's-Day?    

  Did they contain... Acceptance, Surprise, Rejection, Loneliness, or Sadness?  Or something else? 

  What might it be like Accepting My-Self on Valentine's Day... just the way I am?

  What do you plan to do for your partner or for yourself on this Coming Valentine's day?

Now: How Can I Move Forward?

  Perhaps, First: Accept where I am RIGHT NOW!  Re-asses my situation and myself.  Think of my Good Qualities.  Think positive.  Be open to the possibilities.  Problem solve.  Keep at it.  Whatever you do... Don't give up!

  If your feelings and emotions are getting the best of you, please watch this video about Emotional Regulation:

  Hey, Check this out this Article by Taryn Herlich!

 “Valentine’s Day and Abuse:  The Emotional Ties Between The Two”

“Valentine’s Day can be difficult  for survivors of domestic violence. Our society has marketed this day towards happy, healthy couples and for individuals who have faced abuse, it can make this day feel rather disheartening. Social media is often full of unrealistic presentations of happy couples and this can create feelings of unworthiness, provoking individuals to ponder their own decisions. When Valentine’s Day and abuse come together, the emotions can get complicated.

Moreover, many survivors who do leave an abusive relationship may face what’s known as Stockholm syndrome after abuse. This is essentially when you feel compassion for your abuser and struggle to get over the break-up as you still miss being with them. On Valentine’s Day, it can be extremely easy to fall into a cycle of reminiscing on the positive times you had with this person, because let’s face it, even an abusive relationship can have good days. That’s essentially what keeps survivors holding on. They hope one day this person will change, and focus on the fond memories they may have had at the beginning of the relationship. During a pandemic, it can be especially challenging, as there is little distraction to help dissipate these thoughts and in some cases, triggers.

 So, let’s find ways that Valentine’s Day can be a day full of self-love rather than sorrow. This day should be about admiring your inner strength, and celebrating you as a wonderful individual deserving of recognition.

1. Write a love letter to yourself

A personal love letter is a great way to reflect on life, and recognize all the qualities that make you special and unique. It’s similar to telling yourself positive affirmations which help re-frame negative self-talk. The more you tell yourself that you are worthy, kind, smart, and a good human being, the more your mind will believe it. One of the first steps to healing is self-love and a love letter to yourself is a great way to begin or continue the process. This article on Glamour has some amazing examples of letters survivors wrote to themselves.

2. Participate in self care

Why not make Valentine’s Day about treating yourself! Relax and do what makes you feel good. Self care can be as small as doing your makeup (something many people actually find therapeutic) to colouring, writing, taking a bath, going for a walk, speaking with your therapist, or even unplugging from social media.”

3. Be around those you love

We’re in difficult times as the pandemic is still present. However, if you live with friends or family that you like, try initiating a movie or dinner night, and have a fun day of celebrating the ones you love! This day isn’t only for celebrating romantic relationships. If possible, go on a socially distant outdoor walk with a friend to switch things up.

4. Take advantage of the day full of chocolate and bake something delicious

Baking is another act of self care and for many, is extremely relaxing and a great way to unwind and relieve stress. Not only are you creating something delicious but baking actually allows you to express creativity.

5. Call a helpline if you begin to have upsetting thoughts and feelings

There is no shame in calling a helpline on Valentine’s Day. If you need that extra bit of support right now, you should absolutely reach out and get it. Sometimes having someone who doesn’t know you, listen to your problems can be a great relief.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Remember, it’s okay if you feel certain upsetting emotions on Valentine’s Day. Your feelings are valid, and normal so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and quite frankly doing the best you can. In fact, just reading this article is such a wonderful step. You are loved, and so worthy.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, we recognize how challenging this day can be and how it can be even more difficult to leave on the days leading up to it. There is a pressure that Valentine’s Day will solve certain issues, and that with flowers, chocolate, perhaps a necklace, this day can be special and peaceful. We recognize that you may be holding onto those grand gestures, those moments of kindness, and that on this day your heart yearns for some form of love. The pressure of any holiday can make it harder to leave, especially the ones that are based on love. Know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. This is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are appreciated and loved. Please, seek support by involving a trusted family member or friend, and contact a hotline that can help guide you in leaving (we will have them listed below).  If you’re in immediate danger call 911."

(Resource Link For Helplines In Canada:   https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Sources:  https://www.allure.com/story/valentines-day-guide-for-domestic-violence-survivors"   (https://www.vestasit.com/valentines-day-and-abuse/).

Other Possible Solutions Could Be: 

What is Valentine's Day a Day of:

Have some Hope

Give someone a nice Card.. or even a Picture you drew..

a Watercolor you painted.. or a Poem you just wrote... Today!

Give Love

Share Warm Greetings

Keep on Wishing

Show Appreciation

Give people Happiness

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments;

About: Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in; as well as the past.)

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments; Emotional Regulation...

DBT Skills: Emotion Regulation and Calming Your Emotions

If experiencing uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions.

Identify and Name my emotions and tell myself it's okay to feel that way.  Or Acknowledge and Validate the emotions.

Manage and Then learn ways to Regulate our Emotions.

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