My Personal Mission Statement is for Prevention of Domestic Violence in my Life

  Regardless of what happened or how it happened, if I was named in the Court Case, then I was probably involved.  

  And now, I am choosing to never again be involved in Domestic violence...  NEVER AGAIN!!!  So how might I do that?  

  Could it be that perhaps I need a Personal Mission Statement?

  In order to plan for this, we need to take a good look at our own values.  Our values tend to project our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our beliefs, our past, and our shortcomings among other things.  Many of us carry our values around like billboards so that everyone can see them.

  Some folks get Morals and Values confused.  And “While morals may feel like they are usually imposed from the outside, values are natural and personal in character” (Study.com).  So for the purpose of this discussion here today, Values and Morals are essentially the same.

  So here are some questions for us to ponder:

  What are our values?  

  How do our values impact our lives?  

  How do your values impact the lives of others?

  What is My Mission Statement?   

  Great Questions!  Well, Our Missions in life tend to be based on our Values.  We usually gotta believe in something before we really want to make it happen bad enough that we will develop the drive to actually make it happen.

   First, It might help to know what a Mission Statement is. It can sometimes be challenging to separate our Mission from our Values and Goals.  In fact, our Goals and our Mission can sometimes be intertwined.   So let's check out a few popular Mission Statements.  For example:

 Even McDonald's has a Mission Statement!  For example: McDonald’s says, “Our mission is to make delicious feel-good moments easy for everyone.  This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities” (McDonald’s).

Martin Luther King “refused to allow prison, violence or the threat of death sway his end mission. Instead, he stood beside his goal of achieving rights for all through nonviolent protests. Dr. King maintained a vision for a more diverse America where all people enjoyed the benefits of equality” (The National Civil Rights Museum).

“The goal of the Grateful Dead was to provide a high quality experience with high quality music. They wanted to play great music for people who were really into music. There were choices they could have made along the way that, while more profitable, would have meant abandoning their true goal”  (Anne Grady Group).

And “The Red Cross, born of a desire to bring assistance without discrimination to the wounded on the battlefield, endeavors—in its international and national capacity— to prevent and alleviate human suffering wherever it may be found. Its purpose is to protect life and health and to ensure respect for the human being”  (The American Red Cross). 

  Types of Values might include: Personal Values, Professional Values, Social Values, National Values, Religious Values....

  In this particular case, it is important now to know that for each one of us involved in DV Offender Treatment: "My Personal Mission Statement is for me to be able to prevent any more Domestic Violence in my life." 

  Let's see if we can we agree on to the following:  

  Whereas, according to the Courts, I have had some Domestic Violence in my Life.  This problem may have created costs for others and for myself including costs related to: Time, Money, Trust, Emotional or Physical Trauma, Stress, Pain, Mental challenges and numerous other resources.  

  Therefore, I have decided I no longer want DV in my life.  In order to make that Mission come true, I need a Mission Statement 

 "A meaningful personal mission statement contains these basic elements. 

1. What I want to do?  –  "What I want to accomplish?  What contributions do I want to make and to whom?... to what?"  And finally, "What do I hope to get out of it?"

2. What do I want to be?  Like...  How do I want to be viewed or perceived by others when my Mission is done?  –  And what character strengths do I have to help me accomplish this?   Also, What qualities do I want to develop during this process.  How do I want to grow?" and

3. I need to keep in mind that an effective Personal Mission Statement must also be doable for me.  

  In order to create a good Personal Mission Statement: I have to be honest with myself; I have to be Flexible; willing to listen to others who mean well; and I have to be strong.  I need to have more positive energy in my life -- in other words, I first need to try and let go any negative energy that I am holding onto.  Then I need to have some faith in the present and the future.  In order to create more positive energy in my life, I may also need to develop more skills related to being patient.  I may need more of a positive outlook, more tact (or be more appropriate with others), and I may also need to develop a sense of good will.  Doing good in my life would not hurt either.  Also, I need as much Mindfulness as I can get.  

  I CAN DO this!  But first, I will have to be committed to making better decisions, as well as correcting my errors, and then following up by doing the right thing(s)!

  So I need some important tools: including knowing myself better, knowing what other things I need, what I want, what I like, how I love, my feelings, my anger, my respect for everyone -- including myself, my boundaries, my morals, my resistance, all of my wisdom -- all the energy that I can muster, my courage, and my needs and wants in a relationship, etc...  I also need to be aware of the things and situations that I simply cannot tolerate.  

  Furthermore.  I also need to know what I am capable of; and what I am not capable of.  I need some reliable ways of knowing when things are truly good; as well as when things are not good.

  And Finally: In order for me to prevent DV from happening again in my life; I will need to recognize the warning signs -- the Red Flags!  

  I have to be able to manifest and promote a lifestyle that can accommodate healthy relationships as well as one that is without violence of any kind.

Knowledge Building Questions: 

  “It's time to start building On My Individual Values in order to create My Personal Mission Statement for Domestic Violence Prevention”.  First I need to know the following:

Question: “What are some of my Personal Values as they relate to Relationships and Prevention of DV?"

Question: “What is my Mission in Life as it relates to Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence?”

Question: “How might my Values and / or my Mission in Life help me to Prevent Domestic Violence in my future relationships?”

  And this is how I am going to do it: I am going to Feel, Think, Love, Listen to my Heart, be Honorable, Plan, Act, Respect others, Command Respect for myself, Re-Assess, and then go for it again... 

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

Personal Mission Statement To Prevent DV *** 

Intimacy, Healthy Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Picture a bridge between two people....  a conduit over which or through which all of the goodness of the Relationship and intensity flows... And it always takes two (or more) to maintain that bridge...  This bridge cannot stand up there without being held on both ends...  --- All the time.  Then the question becomes: In a close, secure, and wonderful relationship; what would that bridge be made of?   Intimacy.

  According to the Dictionary, the word, Intimacy, can be defined as:  “A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.  A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.  For example: “Intimate knowledge”.

Another author wrote: 

  “Intimacy means creating an authentic connection.

  What is the meaning of intimacy?  What intimacy means varies from relationship to relationship, and within a given relationship.  From context to context, the definition of intimacy changes and the meaning varies.

  Intimacy has more to do with shared moments than sexual interactions. Intimate feelings may be connected or confused with sexual arousal.   Intimacy is linked with feelings of closeness, safety, trust and transparency among partners in a collaborative relationship.

  For intimacy to be sustainable and nourishing it also requires trust, transparency and rituals of connection. It is possible to compete over intimacy but that is likely to be self-defeating.” (Source).

Types of Intimacy: 

  Surely, there are different types of intimacy depending on the persons involved as well as on the situation.  Different types of Intimacy could include: Sexual, Emotional, Professional, and numerous others:

  The Naya Clinics, writes: "Intimacy is defined as a close familiarity or friendship; closeness. While it may seem this applies to romantic relationships, intimacy is important in non-romantic relationships as well. It is essential to forming connections with others that are deep, lasting, and healthy."; reports that the different types of Intimacy include: Physical, Emotional, Intellectual, Creative, Experiential and Spiritual (Source.)

  Whereas Author Rhett Smith states that there are 12 types of Intimacy shared between partners, including: 

"Sexual Intimacy: Sharing passion and physical pleasuring

Emotional Intimacy: Being tuned to each other’s wavelength

Intellectual Intimacy: Closeness in the world of ideas

Aesthetic Intimacy: Sharing experience of beauty

Creative Intimacy: Sharing in acts of creating together

Recreational Intimacy: Relating in experiences of fun and play

Work Intimacy: Closeness of sharing common tasks

Crisis Intimacy: Closeness in coping with problems and pain

Conflict Intimacy: Facing and struggling with differences

Commitment Intimacy: Mutually derived from common self-interest

Spiritual Intimacy: Unity shared in religious expression

Communication Intimacy: Mutual understanding and affirmation" (Source.)

Look at it this way for a moment:

For many of us, Relationships are largely about Sex.  And due to Societal messages, many people confuse Sex with Intimacy or Intimacy with Sex.  

I propose that: Sexual Relationships Without Intimacy Probably Put Us More At Risk Of DV.  -- Unless of course, we are simply intimate and one of the core pillars of our relationship is that our Sex is simply casual -- and NOT meaningful.

I was talking to a policeman once.. and I asked him what exactly constitutes Intimacy in terms of a DV Offense -- requiring that two people have or have had an Intimate Relationship?  His response was that Intimacy was "Sex".

  Think about this proposition:  Sex Without Intimacy Probably Puts Us More At Risk Of DV

Sex Without Intimacy is probably NOT a partnership, not love, It might not even be liking, and it is quite possibly not as safe as Sex with Intimacy

Sex Without Intimacy is probably more dangerous for BOTH partners.

More Intimacy helps decrease Animosity.... helps increase more understanding and more acceptance and possibly even a deeper love.

What makes up intimacy?  (If you wish to have an intimate relationship, you probably need to do most or all of the following).  An intimate relationship might contain -- like a Bridge between two intimate people -- it is made up of parts -- some of which are listed below:

Honesty: “Honesty is when you speak the truth and act truthfully.  What is honesty?  Many children understand a definition of honesty to be "don't lie". But a complete definition of honesty also means that an honest person doesn't do things that are morally wrong. If something you do is breaking the law or you have to hide it because you'll get in trouble, you are probably not being honest.  What is honesty? – Honesty is speaking the truth.  Honesty is being accountable.  Lying is not honest (also called dishonest) because you are saying something that isn't true.”

Trust: “Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.”

Respect: “It means valuing each other’s points of view. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different from you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.”

A mutual sense of Equality: “The quality or state of being equal: the quality or state of having the same rights, social status, etc.”  When each has an equal right to determine whether she/he is being (or going to be) happy or sad.  (Equal in spirit rather than in substance).

Humility: “The quality or state of being humble.”  Can I apologize with sincerity when I mess up?

Forgiveness: “Allowing room for error or weakness.”

Liking and - or Attraction --  or Feeling Wanted (Not necessarily Sexual Attraction) to: “Feeling as if one wants to be around someone due to the way it makes her/him feel when they are together (i.e., happy, energetic, sexy, lovely, good about self).”

Spontaneity / Compromise: “Taking a risk, living life to the fullest, no plans, "don't think just do". To be spontaneous is to be the most relaxed go with the flow and have fun person, you would never get mad if plans changed you would get excited because then it would become spontaneous.”  Or just being able to spontaneously have fun together.

Faith: “Complete trust or confidence in someone or something.”  (There may also be a Spiritual component here as well).  A lot of successful couple share Faith; or they each have tremendous respect (if not admiration) for the faith that is held by the other partner.

Self-Awareness: “Is having a clear perception of your personality, including strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, beliefs, motivations, and emotions. Self-Awareness allows you to understand other people, how they perceive you, your attitude, and your responses to them in the moment.”

Vulnerability: “Susceptibleness to physical or emotional attack or harm.”  If you are with someone with whom you cannot feel vulnerable; you might be lacking intimacy.

Accountability: “The fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility.”  Being willing to think critically about self, actions, thoughts and feelings – taking the good with the bad.

Patience: “The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset.”  Listening to someone (long enough -- and without distraction) and sincerely trying to understand what they mean.  Taking your time.

Other qualities of Intimate Relationships could include: Hope, Unconditional Acceptance, Confidence, Interest, Affection, Affinity, and Altruism.  Intimacy is often about being willing to work on it.  Intimacy is not about being “perfect.”  But it's about being sincere.  Intimacy may even feel like “symbiosis.”

Thus, it was said earlier that Intimacy is a Voluntary Condition.  Intimacy is like a bridge.  It is held up (actively or passively) between two or more people.  Intimacy is something that both people hold up and maintain.  It takes two (or more) to do intimacy, and it often takes effort.  It rarely happens without work.

Commitment and Integrity. Finally, Intimacy quite possibly requires a mutual sense of clarity about the integrity of the Relationship.  In other words, if one person is in love; but the other is not; it may not be Intimacy.

Why is Intimacy So Important to Learn About in Domestic Violence Treatment?

  For one, simply answer this question: How can Domestic Violence Effect (and/or be effected by) Intimacy?  Or how could Intimacy be impacted by Domestic Violence?

1. Did you and/or your partner have moments of dishonesty in relation to your DV event(s)?
2. Did you and/or your partner find that the trust between you was challenged or destroyed in relation to your DV event(s)?
3. If your partner or someone else called the police on you, could it be that this was an attempt to equalize the immediate situation between you and your partner?
4. Did you and/or your partner ever find the other to be impatient with the other person or with yourself?
5. When your DV event happened, were you 100% self-aware – aware of your partner?
6. Have you totally owned up to (become accountable for) your part of what happened that got you into DV-related trouble?  How did this measure up to the intimacy you shared?
7. Finally Intimacy probably leads to a Kinship of sorts.  A psychological kinship (Bailey).

NOTE: True Intimacy is not included in relationships that are about Power and Control!!!  Intimacy is more likely to be found in relationships that are about Equality. 

In other words, Intimacy and Domestic Violence cannot happen at the same time -- even in cases where there was a false accusation of Domestic Violence.

  With the one possible exception: During the honeymoon phase -- of a conflict... just after the explosion..... both are trying harder and you might catch a (mistaken) glimmer of intimacy there...  Like Intimacy is not even really there in such situations.  However, many of us tend to see it during those times...  Or Perhaps it is just wishful thinking.  And maybe we just see the Intimacy in such situations because we are so hurt after fighting that we see want to see through our tears and our fears.

So Try to Guess for Yourself -- If two people are truly sharing Intimacy with each other; which of each of these dichotomous interactions will they be likely to share?

Violence and Disrespect vs. Respect and Non-Violence

Confrontation vs. Argument

Competition vs. Collaboration

Denial vs. Acknowledgement

Avoidance vs. Resolution

Blame vs. Accountability

Studying vs. Assuming

Curiosity vs. Prejudice

Rushing vs. Patience

Aggressive vs. Assertive

Jealous vs. Trusting 

Unconditional Giving vs. Keeping Score

Letting her or him win at Chess vs. Checkmating her or him as fast as possible

Non-Disclosive / Appropriate (sometimes possibly even including TMI) 

Discussion Question: 

How was your experience of intimacy impacted by the DV that you took part in?  

 

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your 

Intimacy and Prevention of Domestic Violence Worksheet! ***  

Some Definitions are From: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ and http://www.urbandictionary.com/ and http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/ and http://oxforddictionaries.com/us/definition/american_english/.  Parts of the above were Compiled By Dr. Beverly, March. 2014