Character Flaws, Personality Disorders, and Domestic Violence

DRAFT POST -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT OR QUOTE

 Some Say that Domestic Violence can be a result of Character Flaws.

First Step -- What is Character?

What is Character? 

"1. the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

2. "

"What is the meaning of character?

A character is a person or being in a narrative (such as a novel, play or film). The character may be entirely fictional or based on a real-life person, in which case the distinction of a "fictional" versus "real" character may be made.

Character (arts) - Wikipedia

Wikipedia -- https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Character_(arts)

What is the meaning of flawed character?

AI Overview

"A flawed character is a fictional person with specific imperfections, weaknesses, or internal conflicts that make them relatable, realistic, and prone to mistakes. These defects—ranging from minor quirks to tragic flaws like pride or jealousy—drive the plot, hinder the character’s goals, and create meaningful character arcs."  Reedsy

Usage Examples in Fiction

Tragic Flaw: Achilles' immense pride and anger (hamartia), which lead to his downfall.

Synonyms and Related Terms

Hamartia: A fatal flaw leading to downfall.

Foible: A minor weakness or eccentricity.

Vice: A immoral or wicked behavior.

Imperfection/Weakness/Deficiency: General terms for shortcomings.

Blind Spot: A lack of insight into one's own faults. 

Key Characteristics

Types: Can be minor (habits), major (anger issues), or fatal (destructive pride).

Purpose: Essential for building empathy and engagement, as perfect characters are unbelievable and dull.

Result: They cause internal conflict, hinder success, or damage relationships. 

What does this have to do with Domestic Violence?

 (FYI: Whay does DV Happen?  Situation got out of hand, Jealousy, Character, Not being able to control one's anger, Parental Alienation, Intoxication (alcohol and drugs), An unexpected or unwanted or feared Break-up). 

What is a Character Flaw and What does it have to do with DV?"

  "Is it possible that some DV happens as a result (at least in part) of a Character Flaw (or Flaws) on the part of one or both parties?"

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Examples of Personality Flaws: Control Issues, Trust Issues, Lies A Lot, Extremely Insecure, Afraid, Lack of Confidence, Too Much Confidence, Selfish, Boastful (always bragging but nothing to show for it.)

 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

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Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

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Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

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Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)."  (GOOGLE AI: SOURCE)

(First of all -- Disclaimer -- It is important to note that we ALL have Personalityies.  And we probably ALL have flaws.  This is not really abotu anyone in this room, it is about a phenomenon.)

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Connections for Abused Women and their Children).

Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

 

Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

                                              (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

"Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. " (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship, resources are available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website for confidential support.  *(https://www.google.com/search?  Source)."

What about Personality Traits and Domestic Violence:

"Negative personality traits often hinder personal growth, damage relationships, and create toxic environments. Key negative traits include manipulation, arrogance, selfishness, dishonesty, and apathy. These traits can lead to poor communication, lack of accountability, and constant, unproductive criticism of others. 

Manipulative: Using deceitful or subtle tactics to control others for personal gain.

Arrogant: Acting overconfident, superior, or dismissive toward others.

Selfish: Lacking empathy and focusing only on one's own needs and interests.

Dishonest: Lacking integrity, frequently lying, or misleading people.

Apathetic/Cynical: Lacking care, passion, or assuming the worst about people and situations. 

Other common, detrimental traits include impulsiveness, constant complaining, insecurity, and defensiveness." (Source).

Good Character and Prevention of Domestic Violence:

"The Six Pillars of Character is a framework for teaching good character and is composed of six ethical values (characteristics) everyone can agree upon: Trustworthiness; Respect; Responsibility; Fairness; Caring; and Citizenship." ()

"Good character shapes a relationship by establishing a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety, which are essential for long-term success. It drives positive interactions through empathy, intentional communication, and accountability, allowing couples to navigate challenges effectively. Good character fosters harmony by prioritizing mutual needs and fostering personal growth. 

From the Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute: 

"Key Ways Good Character Shapes Relationships:

Builds Trust and Stability: Integrity, honesty, and loyalty are core character traits that make a partner reliable, creating a secure environment for intimacy to flourish.

Fosters Effective Communication: Individuals with good character practice active listening, are intentional about communication, and handle disagreements constructively without resorting to abuse or contempt.

Promotes Resilience and Growth: Strong character enables partners to take responsibility for their mistakes, show humility, and support each other's personal growth, which keeps the relationship evolving.

Encourages Empathy and Support: Compassion and kindness ensure that partners feel supported, understood, and validated, reducing the impact of conflict.

Ensures Equality and Respect: Good character means treating a partner as an equal, respecting boundaries, and valuing their perspective, rather than attempting to control or change them. 

 

Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute

Character acts as the foundation that determines the "destiny" of a marriage, often proving more vital to long-term fulfillment than love alone. " (Source)

What is a Personality Disorder?

So what is wrong with a Personality Disorder?

"Personality disorders can severely strain relationships through chronic conflict, intense emotional volatility, fear of abandonment, and manipulative or controlling behaviors. Partners often experience an "emotional roller coaster" characterized by rapid shifts between idolization and devaluation (splitting), creating an unpredictable, exhausting, and often abusive environment that erodes trust and mental health. 

Mental Health Center of America

Key ways a personality disorder can damage a relationship include:

Emotional Volatility & Conflict: Rapid, intense mood swings can lead to explosive anger, unpredictable arguments, and constant stress, leaving partners feeling trapped or emotionally exhausted.

Fear of Abandonment & Clinging: Intense anxiety regarding abandonment can cause desperate, controlling, or insecure behaviors, such as constant reassurance seeking or sabotaging the relationship first to avoid being left.

Splitting & Idealization-Devaluation: The partner may be viewed as either perfect or terrible (black-and-white thinking), leading to sudden, confusing shifts in treatment from loving to intensely critical.

Manipulative or Distrustful Behavior: Some personality disorders, like paranoid or antisocial, can cause severe mistrust, leading to unfounded accusations of infidelity or malicious intent. This can result in manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse.

Impulsive and Self-Destructive Actions: Risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, or threats of self-harm, can devastate a couple's stability.

Isolation: Individuals may isolate their partners from friends and family or become intensely codependent, destroying the partner's support systems. 

Mayo Clinic

While these behaviors are not typically a conscious choice, they stem from ingrained patterns that often require professional intervention and therapy (like DBT) to manage."  (Source)

How Might These Contribute to Domestic Violence?

Does this make DV Okay?

What are Character Flaws?

What do a Person's Perception, Sense of Feeling or Emotional Reaction, Thinking, Behavior and  Conscience look like when they have a Character Flaw?

What if the Flaw is in both (would-be) partners?

What is a Personality Disorder?

List of Personality Disorders?

Some people say that people with Personality Disorders have Character Flaws.

Can a person have a Character Flaw and NOT have a Personality Disorder?

What do Character Flaws and Personality Disorders sometimes lead to -- DV - Wise?

How can one prevent being 

Using Children as a Form of Domestic Violence During a Relationship; and/or Parental Alienation as a Form of DV After the Intimate Relationship is Over

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY

  Surely, any one of the forms of Domestic Violence as depicted on the various Power and Control Wheels can negatively impact children.  As sad as it is to admit; unfortunately, children are all too frequently exposed to these various forms of Power and Control.  

  Ideally, Responsible Parenting is what happens in a Healthy Family, even during difficult times; where the parents use the principles of Equality; rather than Power and Control when dealing with others.  In such families, the adults in the couple and the children tend to experience Non Threatening Behavior, Respect, Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, and Negotiation and Fairness.

 Obviously, this is better for the children, than to be raised in a Family where the Parents are frequently being disrespectful toward each other.  And this would be the ideal.  However, it does not always work out that way.  Not every couple is ready to share an Honorable Relationship;  

  Surely, anyone can see how each of the following Tactics could harm children; even if the target of the attack is the Mother or Father of these children; rather than the children themselves.  Using Children has been well-documented as a form of Domestic Violence.  For Male and Female Offenders, according to the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, Using Children includes the following types of abuse or tactics, which include:

• Making her or him feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass her or him.
• Threatening to take the children away.

  When looking over basic forms of Domestic Violence -- in addition to the segment on "Using Children" -- one can imagine there are plenty of opportunities to drag the children into the conflict(s) between their parents -- whether they are still together or separated.  Just look at this list and imagine what might happen to a child if one is doing this to their partner -- the mother or the father of a given child.  How is that child going to be impacted if this is happening to one or both of her or his parents?

• If one partner is Using Intimidation against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Emotional Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Isolation against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Minimizing, Denying and Blaming against the other partner
• If one partner is Using Children against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Economic Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Male (or Female) Privilege against the other partner, and / or
• If one partner is Using Coercion and Threats against the other partner.

  Please listen to this Explanation about "Using Children" from the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel Domestic Violence Intervention Programs.

VIDEO: Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

How does DV Impact Babies Children & Young People

  How might this type of abuse impact the children?  “Studies show that living with domestic violence can cause various problems for children growing up, including physical and emotional harm in the following ways:

• ongoing anxiety and depression
• emotional distress
• eating and sleeping disturbances
• physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches
• finding it hard to manage stress
• low self-esteem
• self-harm
• being aggressive towards friends and school mates
• feeling guilt or blame themselves for the violence
• having trouble forming positive relationships
• developing phobias and insomnia
• struggling with going to school and doing school work
• using bullying behavior or becoming a target of bullying
• difficulty concentrating
• finding it hard to solve problems
• having less empathy and caring for others (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children). 

  

Additionally, “Young people exposed to domestic and family violence are:

• more likely to suffer from depression
• more likely to be homeless
• more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors, and/or
• more likely to experience or use violence and be controlling and manipulative in relationships (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children).

Discussion: 

  Think about this for a moment: What do children learn under such circumstances?  What do you think?

  What is it like for a child to live in a home where there is Domestic Violence; even while their parents are actually still together?  

So How Does This Possibly Change After Abusive Parents Separate or Divorce?

  In some cases, Separation or Divorce is a good thing.  But in others, it doesn't always turn out to be good for the children.  More specific to the topic of Using Children and Parental Alienation, we take a look at this modified Duluth Power and Control Wheel that focuses on "Post-Separation" and emphasizes how children can be used during this period as weapons by one parent; against the other parent.  

  This particular Duluth Wheel is titled, "Post Separation Power and Control Wheel".  According to the "Post-Separation" wheel, the various types of Abuse -- as a continuation of Post-Separation Domestic Violence -- tend to also involve the Children, and they can include: 

• Using Harassment & Intimidation against the Ex-partner, 
• Undermining Her / His Ability to Parent, 
• Discrediting Her as a Mother / or / Him as a Father, 
• Withholding Financial Support for the Children, 
• Endangering the Children, 
• Disregarding the Children, 
• Disrupting Her / His Relationship with Her / His Children, and
• Using Physical & Sexual Violence Against the Mother / or / the Father & Children.

  This can happen within the context of Separation from the Abuser in a relationship where there has been: "Prior physical and sexual violence, coercive and controlling behavior against mother / father and children" (Source.).  And it can also happen as a byproduct of Separation or Divorce in cases where there has been no prior abuse of any kind.  

  Unfortunately, when a couple with children separate, the children sometimes get involved in and/or are impacted by the process in a very unhealthy way -- if not a dangerous way.  

What Is Parental Alienation and How Does It Relate? 

  One type of DV not specifically listed on the Duluth Power and Control Wheels is "Parental Alienation".  Parental Alienation however is somewhat alluded to on the Power and Control Wheels in the areas where they talk about using children, as well as in some of the other areas.

   In answering the question: What is Parental alienation?  Jennifer Harman (2016) wrote: "Parental Alienation involves behaviors that a parent does to hurt or damage a relationship between a child and the other parent" (Source.).  To that, she added: "Parental Alienation Syndrome, on the other hand, was coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985 and describes the ultimate outcome or impact of those behaviors on a child (Source.)."

  SIDE NOTE: The term “parental alienation” is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, which is a manual that offers a common language and standard criteria that mental health providers use to classify mental disorders). However, “child affected by parental relationship distress (CAPRD)” is a term that has been added to the most recent edition of the DSM, the DSM-5. CAPRD includes parental alienating behaviors such as badmouthing a parent to a child. And several of the manual’s authors have clarified CAPRD to include an entire range of parental alienating behaviors and outcomes." (Source.).

Parental Alienation Video #1. 

Parental Alienation Video, Susan Shofer.

Parental Alienation -- Evidence-Based Science.

Parental Alienation -- The Four-Factor Model.

Parental Alienation Video #2.

Parental Alienation Ted Talk, Jennifer Harman.

What are some Signs that Parental Alienation may be taking place:

  Are you or your ex-partner an alienator, alienating the other parent?  If so, here are some signs that indicate that Parental Alienation is happening:

• "An alienator might divulge unnecessary relational details — for example, instances of affairs — to a child. This can certainly make the child feel alienated themselves, as well as angry at (and feeling personally hurt by) something that was really between mom and dad.
• An alienator may prevent a child from seeing or talking to the other parent, while saying that the alienated is busy/occupied/uninterested in the child.
• An alienator may insist the child’s personal items all be kept at the alienator’s house, regardless of how much time the kid spends with the other parent.
• An alienator might plan tempting activities during the other parent’s custody. For example, “You’re supposed to be at your dad’s this weekend, but I was thinking it’s the perfect weekend to invite your friends to a sleepover here for your birthday this month. What would you like to do?”
• Related to the above, an alienator might frequently bend or break custody guidelines, arranged inside or outside of court. On the flip side, an alienator may also refuse to compromise on a custody agreement. For example, if mom’s birthday falls on a day when dad has custody and dad is an alienator, he may rigidly refuse to let the kid go to mom’s birthday dinner when mom asks.
• Secrecy may become rampant. There are several ways this can happen: The alienator may keep medical records, report cards, information about the child’s friends, and more all under wraps. This can alienate the child from the other parent because let’s face it — if one parent knows all your friends, likes, and activities, that’s the parent you’ll want to talk to.
• And related to secrecy, gossip may become rampant. The alienator may ask the child about the alienated parent’s personal life and more. This can then become a subject of gossip. Oh, your dad has a new girlfriend? What’s she like? Wonder how long it will last. He had four girlfriends the year you were in kindergarten and we were still married, you know.
• The alienator may become controlling when it comes to the child’s relationship with the other parent. For example, the alienator could try to monitor all phone calls, text messages, or interactions.
• The alienator may actively compare the other parent to a new partner. This could take the form of the child hearing that their stepmom loves them more than their mom. A child might even be told that their stepparent will adopt them and give them a new last name”  (Source.).

Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome: 

   When Gardner talked about PAS, he identified eight “symptoms” (or criteria) for it.  These include:

• The child constantly and unfairly criticizes the alienated parent (sometimes called a “campaign of denigration”).
• The child doesn’t have any strong evidence, specific examples, or justifications for the criticisms — or only has false reasoning.
• The child’s feelings about the alienated parent aren’t mixed — they’re (just) all negative, with no redeeming qualities to be found. This is sometimes called “lack of ambivalence.”
• The child claims the criticisms are all their own conclusions and based on their own independent thinking. (In reality, in PA, the alienating parent is said to “program” the child with these ideas.)
• The child has unwavering support for the alienator.
• The child doesn’t feel guilty about mistreating or hating the alienated parent.
• The child uses terms and phrases that seem borrowed from adult language when referring to situations that never happened or happened before the child’s memory.
• The child’s feelings of hatred toward the alienated parent expand to include other family members related to that parent (for example, grandparents or cousins on that side of the family).

Gardner later added that to be diagnosed with PAS, the child should have a strong bond with the alienator and previously have had a strong bond with the alienated. He also said the child should show negative behaviors when with the alienated parent and have difficulty with custody transitions” (https://www.healthline.com/health/childrens-health/parental-alienation-syndrome#signs-and-symptoms).

  These are just some of the forms parental alienation may take. Be aware that PAS is a tricky thing to use in legal contexts when it comes to custody agreements, because it’s hard to prove. Ironically, it’s in custody disputes that PAS comes up the most.

 

How does Parental Alienation impact children?

  Besides the harms done to children in Violent homes, as noted above; there are additional harms that can happen, once a couple breaks up.  Parental Alienation tends to cause harm to children.  

Side Note: "To elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail,  Children may react to parental intimate partner distress; Children may react to parental intimate partner violence; Children may react to acrimonious divorce; and Children may react to unfair disparagement of one parent by another." 

  Reactions of the child may include:

• The onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, 
• Somatic complaints, 
• An internal loyalty conflict, and, 
• In the extreme, parental alienation, can lead to loss of a parent–child relationship. 

Side Note: Results Since the definition of CAPRD in the DSM-5 consists of only one sentence, the authors propose an expanded explanation, clarifying that children may develop various problems as listed below.

Children may also develop problems in areas such as:

• behavioral, 
• cognitive, 
• affective, and 
• physical symptoms when they experience varying degrees of parental relationship distress, that is, intimate partner distress and intimate partner violence, which are defined with more specificity and reliability in the DSM-5." (Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.).

 Other scholars say that parental alienation affects the kids in still other ways.  For example: 

"One 2016 study surveyed 109 college-aged individuals and found a significant link between the behaviors of alienating parents and the behaviors of those who had been alienated. In other words, children who are subject to a parental alienation situation may grow up to behave in much the same way as the alienator."

Children who are alienated from one parent may:

• Experience increased anger
• Have heightened feelings of neglect (or even have their basic needs actually neglected while being caught in the middle of their parents’ fight)
• Learn a destructive pattern that they pass on to others
• Take on a skewed view of reality and become prone to lying about others
• Become combative with others due to learning an “us vs. them” mentality
• See things as very “black and white”
• Lack empathy

  "(What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 ).

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

Trying to parent a child who has been conditioned into believing you’re bad or worse is challenging. What do you do when your child appears to hate you, or refuses to see you? Here are five ways that Targeted Parents can reconnect with their kids.

• Address lies and bad-mouthing.
• Encourage your child to speak to you directly.
• Manage your emotional reactivity.
• Continue reaching out.
• Be patient (Source.  https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-child-parenting-issues/overcoming-parental-alienation/).

Other suggestions -- for when you are able to visit with your child -- include: 

"Listen to your child. Have a time and space that is safe for your child to vent. This is commonly done at bedtime when a child is relaxed and perhaps more reflective. Listen openly to your child without comment, judgment, emotional reaction, or questioning. Just listen. Absorb what your child is saying and respond with empathy only. No solutions. No punishment. No pressure.

This works because it is the counter to parental alienation. Remember in order for alienation to be effective, there is a constant barrage of misinformation, manipulation, and pressure. Creating a no-pressure-safe-zone helps your child to decompress.

Play with your child. Have structured times of unstructured play in which you as the parent participate. During this time, the child is in charge of everything: what to play, how to play it, and the duration. Play therapist has used this technique for some time to discover a child's hidden thoughts, emotions, and traumas/experiences.

This technique puts the child in the drivers seat which is very different from the home in which the alienation is occurring. Again, it is the anti-alienation environment that provides healing, awareness, and insight.

Be patient with your child. At your house, your child should be free from questions or comments about the other household. In trying to find out about the alienation, some parents border on unintentional alienation. Don't do this. Let your child come to you, offer empathy, show love, and express your concern but don't talk bad about the other parent. If your child shows you anger, show them support and compassion. Some times a child releases the negative emotions in a space they feel is safe and not in the space that is causing the frustration.

Patience with your child might need to last longer than a couple of days, it might turn into a couple of years. Regardless of how long it takes, show unconditional love whenever they return. Remember, you are the adult. Their child-like behavior is age-appropriate.

Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment."  (https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/08/how-to-counteract-parental-alienation#4).

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Special Notes Related to Parental Alienation:

 CAPRD, like other relational problems, provides a way to define key relationship patterns that appear to lead to or exacerbate adverse mental health outcomes. It deserves the attention of clinicians who work with youth, as well as researchers assessing environmental inputs to common mental health problems." (From: Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress.  William Bernet et al. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016 Jul. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27343884/  ).

Sources: 

Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

(Source.).

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 

Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I IN MY MIND when my DV Happened?

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent Domestic Violence?  

  According to HealthLine, regarding Mindfulness helping in Relationships: “A set of three studies from 2018 (Source) found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall" (Source).

  Mindfulness would include understanding of one's self and at the very least, an attempt to understand the other person..

  It stands to reason that if a Relationship has more Acceptance and more Presence; then perhaps BOTH partners can find more satisfaction in the relationship; hence, they could have fewer of the Perceptions, Feelings, Thoughts, Behaviors and Impulses that relate to Domestic Violence.  Such a Relationship, might even have more Happiness, more Cooperation, more Negotiation, more Humility, more Fairness, more Compassion, more Mutual Respect, more Reciprocation, more Teamwork and a greater sense of Equality between the partners.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

  In a 2016 article in Psych Central, the author writes about some of the theoretical reasons for DV saying:   "Domestic violence — also known as DV, intimate partner violence or abuse — may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other."

  "Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socioeconomic background." (Axelrod, J., 2016).

Dr. B. adds: "The above probably originates out of some very popular long-held beliefs about DV and they do have some validity.  However, based on years of practice in the field, Dr. B. does not whole-heartedly agree with all of that.  It is also believed that DV often seems to arise out of circumstances such as those which develop into crises with feelings among potential abusers (such as extreme insecurity, or extreme fear of loss of the relationship; or extreme frustration with things going on in the relationship, where a person might feel: 1) That they must do something; 2) That they must do something now; and 3) That they must somehow take control of the situation.)  And this is often where the exertion of power and control happens in DV.  This is certainly not to rationalize away the offender's responsibility for DV; nor is the intention here to project blame onto the Victim for the DV.  But rather, this is quite possibly more common of a reason for DV than some of those mentioned above, as it takes into account the Systems Perspective."

  Even when intoxicated, such feelings of jealousy, anger and other strong emotions can surface.  People often become more impulsive and even belligerent when intoxicated.  Many argue that their DV Offense would not have happened if not for the alcohol.  These feelings are still there; however, what might not have been there also while intoxicated was that ability to fully manage impulses.

  Others believe that when more closely examined, it seems that DV often happens as a result of poor choices and even mistakes.  

  Still others -- particularly victims of DV, DV Offenders, their Families, the Courts, and Treatment Providers really want to know more about exactly HOW DV happens?  There is no one certain answer.

  We know that in order for DV to happen, at least the Victim and the Perpetrator need to be physically present; or at least involved in a Relationship to some extent.  At the same time, one should consider that Presence in the sense of Mindfulness, can be much more than just being physically present. 

 

VIDEO: "A Mindfulness Exercise to Calm Your Emotions."

Mindfulness -- How does that work?

  Per Oxford, Mindfulness is:  “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something” or “mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

  For example: In her Article regarding “Mindfulness, Presence and Connection”, Knowlan (2007) defined Mindfulness and Presence in the following ways:

"Mindfulness is a quality of focused, non-judgmental attention to the present moment; the capacity to witness.  Mindfulness is accepting something the way it is -- in the moment.

Whereas, Presence is a quality of being fully, yet authentically, available in the present moment; often experienced as a quality of being connected and open to what is arising or co-arising between and among us."  

It almost seems like Presence is kind of like just BEING IN The Moment WITH SOMEONE.

  Knowlan also wrote that, “THE CAPACITY TO BE MINDFUL is fundamental to creating conscious, living systems” (Knowlan, 2007).

  In other words, Mindfulness is about being more Conscious of ourselves and others.

  In some ways, it seems that a Healthy Relationship could be viewed as a Conscious Living System -- or at least a part of such a system.

Question:

  So if I was conscious of my partner and my self in our relationship, How did our DV Offense happen?

  And even more telling could be the answer in mindfulness terms to the question: Why did this DV Offense happen?  

  Could it be because there was a problem with this System -- with OUR system -- the system that lives within and between us?  

  Could it be that when a Relationship is at the point of having DV; then the Relationship is lacking in Consciousness; or lacking a sense of living Vitality?

  That being proposed, one again asks: How did this DV Offense Happen?  

  In other words, What was going on when the urge to do what was done happened?  

  Or when the related decision or choice to do what I or we did was made?  

  Or even the failure to stop it from happening occurred?  

  And in some cases such as those involving drinking; this could be where the alcohol gets blamed -- But unfortunately, blaming the alcohol just does not do the trick.

  Although this dialectic here may seem like a spiral of sorts; this could be how we begin to truly understand what was going on with me; the person who committed this DV Offense -- at the time that I did what I did.

  If I could juts answer this, I might be getting somewhere.

  And with Mindfulness; we might also consider what was going on with the Victim at that time as well (That's what we call empathy)?  

  Empathy could be helpful.

  But our main focus should be on our selves and what was happening with us at that moment.

Video: "Mindfulness Exercise: Body Scan."

Still We Must Fully Understand How It Happened:

  It stands to reason that in order to end DV -- or to improve a damaged relationship; we should fully understand how it happened?  Hence, we need to know why it happened?  

  We look inside of ourselves -- inside of the person who did the offense... and how this person (I) was Feeling or Thinking; and how I was Doing at the time just prior to the DV Offense?

  And this is where we shift our focus to our sense of  PRESENCE.... In a way...  for example, a great question to ask one's self could be: "Where was I (in my mind, like cognitively and emotionally -- fears and all) when my Domestic Violence Offense Happened?

And Perhaps this is where Mindfulness Can Really Make a Difference?

  Some scholars say that: 

"Being present (or living mindfully, whatever you want to call it) simply means you're focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent."  They say that "Being Present" or (Being Mindful) "Mindfulness" can (also) help with Managing Stress, Mental Health Symptoms, and with Relationships (Source).

Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do (or not do), try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen” (Source). 

  So, let's try some more Mindfulness... Think about this for a minute:    

  Where were we when our DV Happened?  Yeah.. sure, we know we were physically somewhere -- but where were we in our heads, or our minds and in our hearts at the time?

  This inspirational quote might help:

“It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being PRESENT in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor” (Victoria Moran, Source).

And that's what we are working on here.   You Ready???

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent DV?  

  Surely, Mindfulness can also help at times other than while we are in the middle of a conflict.  This Exercise, for example, below is about Integrating our Heart with our Head -- that's our Feelings and our thoughts -- and doing so within the Context of a DV Offense.

We can possibly progress toward Prevention of Future DV and Healthier Resolution of our recent DV Offense through developing introspection about the following:

Question: 

---  What was I thinking before, during and after my DV offense?

---  Where was I in my head during the offense -- Where was my mind?  What was my mind doing at the time?

---  What was my heart saying to me at the time of my offense?

---  And at that time also, how did I respond to the callings of my Head and my Heart?  Did I listen to them?  And more importantly; Did I act on them?

Sometimes, a Relaxation Activity might help one develop a better understanding of such.  Let's try it!

Mindfulness Exercise for Relaxation & Stress Relief: 

5-Minute Exercise You Can Do Anywhere

NOW -- Let's Just try to start to Relax a little.

  Practicing Mindfulness.  Mindfulness can include many thoughts, feelings and actions: Awareness, Presence, Feeling the Vibe, Breathing Exercises, such as Breathing in the good, nice energy; and then Expelling all the Toxic or Negative Energy, Being in the Moment, like Right here, Right now, Positive thinking and Positive Projection, Humility and Humbleness, Accepting What it Is about yourself and Accepting Others as well, Developing Compassion for yourself and others, Accepting the things that you cannot control.  It’s about Having Faith in Yourself, and Having Faith in Others Around You too.  It’s about Practicing Patience with everyone and everything all the time.  And It’s about forgiveness –giving forgiveness to yourself and forgiving others.  And finally,  it’s about doing the best that you can, and Letting go of things that hold you back.

So, Let's Try Something Like This Mindfulness Activity:  

Please Follow these instructions:

Relax your hands.  Close your eyes.  Put your feet flat in front of you -- unless you are sitting on the floor.  Then put all of your weight on your but.  Sit back.  Relax.

Breathe slow, take some very deep breaths -- 

>>> --  Breathing in for 3 seconds or 3 Mississippi's -- and hold.

>>> --  Hold that breath in for 1 - 2 seconds or Mississippi's, then

>>> --  Slowly Breathe out for 3 seconds or Mississippi's.

Then Repeat...  until you feel relaxed... (Possibly 3 minutes).

Once you feel relaxed; Picture yourself... Picture you at that time.

  And think: Where was I in a Physical Sense when my DV Offense Happened?  Think about yourself at that time.  

  Now, Describe to yourself your sense of the scene of the Offense: Who was there?  How were they acting?  How were they apparently feeling?

  Ask yourself the following as you move forward in time:

 >>> What were my Thoughts at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

 

 >>> What were my Feelings at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

  >>> What were my Worries at that time?  What were my Fears at that time?  What was I afraid of at that time?

>>>  What were my Wants at this time?  What did I want to happen? 

>>>  What were my Needs at that time?  What did I need? 

>>>  What did I feel like doing at the time just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>>  And as you go the point where your Offense happened, What was driving me in that moment?

  Now: Consider this:  After a tragedy such as a DV Offense; we sometimes trick ourselves into believing that we did not have a choice.  But we did have a choice at that time?

 >>> What were my Options just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>> Now Remember, this is not about having Regrets or Remorse. 

 >>> But this is more about finding solutions for prevention.

 >>> Let it go.

>>> This is about having Healthier Relationships.

>>> This is about Finding Happiness for Our Selves and for others In Relationships and In The Future. 

  >>> Remember your Breathing.  Mississippi's....  

Mindfulness Exercise for loss and letting go: Alternative Action for Letting Go:  Heartbeat, A Mindfulness Exercise To Calm Your Emotions

>>> Imagine a nice white clean piece of paper and a pencil in your hands and you are writing down all of the Regretful thoughts, feelings and actions associated with your DV Offense.  You may write down your losses too. 

>>> Then after you finish writing, you may crumble this piece of paper into a very tight ball.  And when you are ready to let go of the Blame, the Shame, the Guilt and the Regrets related to your DV Offense; when you are ready to move on beyond all that negative stuff, throw that paper ball as far away as you can; and look away from it, turn around and walk away.  

Now -- Come back to full consciousness slowly...  feeling yourself where you are right now.  And when you are ready, you can Open your eyes and Relax...

 Now Come back to this room...

 <<< How do you feel?

 <<< Many people feel more energized after they complete an exercise such as this and relaxed as well.  Both at the same time.   

          How do you feel?  

 <<< What do you recall from this session? 

 <<< What insights did you gain? 

 <<<  What if we used this technique during crises in the future?  How might my life be different if I was using this technique before I got into trouble?  How might lives of others be different?

 

 ****** End of Mindfulness Activity )******

 >>> * Please Click HERE to Complete your 

Mindfulness & DV Prevention Worksheet. * <<<

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 

 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music:  

My Old School (Steely Dan)

Tomorrow Never Knows (The Beatles)

Tomorrow Never Knows (Los Lobos)

Sources: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6153889/

https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present#What-it-really-means

Knowlan, 2007.

http://www.morefamousquotes.com/topics/quotes-about-being-present-in-the-moment/