Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence

Why are we Talking About Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence Right Here and Now?  

Updated October 9th, 2026

  Well, it's complicated.  Perhaps the first question to be answered here could be: What does the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board (D.V.O.M.B.) say about Financial Abuse and Economic Abuse?  The D.V.O.M.B. requires that this type of Abuse be included in the Treatment of people who have committed Domestic Violence Offenses.  This is probably because some Research has reported that among couples where Domestic Violence has occurred; about 98% have also included Economic Abuse.

  Additionally, the D.V.O.M.B. also has something to say about people with DV Offenses paying for their own Treatment:

• "The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and
  Guidelines for Domestic Violence  Offenders states the following:
• "Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that in keeping with the D.V.O.M.B. Standards, if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation; she or he must pay their Domestic Violence Treatment Provider for the services provided.  This also means that a DV Treatment Provider cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Client who has an outstanding Balance.

  Hence, this week's session is about respecting Financial and Economic boundaries in all kinds of relationships from personal Intimate Relationships, to friendships to professional relationships and yes even in treatment relationships.

 

Why is Financial Responsibility important in Domestic Violence Offender Treatment? 

  Clearly, The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado feels that Paying for Treatment is somehow germane to, or related to positive Treatment Outcomes.  If nothing else, paying for Treatment indicates that a client has a really good attitude about their treatment. It also indicates that a client values what he or she is learning in treatment.  Finally, paying for Treatment is a good indication of positive change.

  This is also important because Domestic Violence offenses are largely about people not respecting their partner and or not respecting themselves. And in many cases both of the partners are not respecting each other or themselves either.  Without Respect, Relationships typically break apart.  Relationships need a lot of Respect in order to Survive and Thrive.

What do Boundaries Have to do with Domestic Violence; Much Less Economic or Financial Abuse?

  One of the most important parts of learning how to have more respect in relationships is that of recognizing all the different ways that boundaries were being disrespected during a relationship. And then also recognizing ways one can start respecting boundaries in a relationship.

  What are some of the boundary types that are sometimes disrespected -- either openly or even covertly -- in abusive relationships? 

• Social / Reputational Boundaries,
• Emotional Boundaries,
• Intellectual Boundaries,
• Spiritual Boundaries,
• Privacy Boundaries, 
• Sexual Boundaries,
• Familial Boundaries,
• Procreational Boundaries,
• Friendship Boundaries,
• Educational Boundaries,
• Vocational Boundaries,
• Digital Boundaries, and  
• Financial or Economic Boundaries.

   Today, we are discussing Financial and Economic Boundaries.

What Does It Mean To Be Financially Responsible?

  Being financially responsible means you have a process for managing your money that is productive and in your best interest overall. A cornerstone of financial responsibility is saving to protect yourself and the things you have. Here’s a look at a few other behaviors of a financially responsible person:

• Understands their costs and income, budgeting to ensure all their expenses are covered
• Saves money for the unexpected costs that will pop up sooner or later along with future items and experiences
• Has a healthy attitude toward money, taking a long-term view and living within their means
• Pay bills on time
• Manages credit responsibly and looks for ways to cut costs
• Shops around when making any financial decision to ensure they are getting the most value on expenses
• Pursues proactive financial education, both understanding basic financial concepts and financial products
• Has a written strategy, often created by working with a financial professional"(Source.)

 

What is domestic violence? / What is domestic abuse?

  “We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

• Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
• Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
• Physical or sexual abuse
• Financial or economic abuse
• Harassment and stalking
• Online or digital abuse" (Source.)

• Others might include: 
• Property Abuse
• Child Abuse
• Pet or Animal Abuse 
• Emotional Abuse

 

How are Finances and Domestic Violence Sometimes Connected?

  "When domestic violence becomes a national conversation, it’s often only after the curtain is pulled back on an otherwise respected, high-profile celebrity. The ensuing uproar makes headlines for a few days, maybe weeks, and then fades back into news-cycle obscurity. But for the millions of victims of domestic abuse—more than one in four women in the U.S., according to the Department of Justice—these headlines ignore a less-visible, longer-lasting damage wrought by their abusers: financial abuse.

  By blocking or controlling access to financial assets, abusers can coerce their victims into staying with them or coming back if they try to leave, locking them into a cycle of abuse. In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse, a fundraising and public awareness campaign.”

  “Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key,” Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, told The Huffington Post.

  Financial abuse is insidious: It can first appear as a considerate offer to take care of the bills, or a casual request to borrow money. But it escalates until the abuser has full control of every bank account, credit card, and paycheck, which means that even if victims escape, they could have no way to rent a new apartment, find a job, or care for their children.

  Unfortunately, it seems that while the majority of abusers have discovered that truth, the rest of society has yet to catch up. A 2014 survey commissioned by the Allstate Foundation found that while 98 percent of domestic-violence victims also experienced financial abuse, 78 percent of Americans had not heard about financial abuse as it relates to domestic violence."  (Source.)

 

What is Financial Abuse?

  "Research indicates that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children was one of the top reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive partner."  (Source.)

  "Financial abuse is an aspect of ‘coercive control’ – a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts a victims’ freedom.

  It’s important to understand that financial abuse seldom happens in isolation: in most cases perpetrators use other abusive behaviours to threaten and reinforce the financial abuse.

  Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without permission, putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name, and gambling with family assets. [1]

  Financial abuse can leave women with no money for basic essentials such as food and clothing. It can leave them without access to their own bank accounts, with no access to any independent income and with debts that have been built up by abusive partners set against their names. Even when a survivor has left the home, financial control can still be exerted by the abuser with regard to child maintenance.

  Sadly the vast majority of survivors experience financial abuse at some point."(Source.)

 

Financial abuse might come in different forms including:

  "These are some common forms of financial abuse—and resources to help protect or recover from it.

• The Abuser “Takes Care” of the Finances. ...
• Employment Sabotage. ...
• Economic Exploitation.  (Source.)

 

What is economic abuse?

  "Economic abuse is a situation in which someone harms another person in a close relationship using money or property, for example by controlling how they are able to get or spend money, or preventing them being able to buy things that they need:

With economic abuse, money becomes a way to control the victim.

Economic abuse can also include restricting access to essential resources such as food, clothing, or transport."  (Source.)

 

How might economic abuse impact the victim of domestic violence?

•   Would the victim of domestic violence have their own car?
•   If a person doesn't have their own car are they able to get away from an abuser?
•   What a victim of domestic violence have their own lease or their own property?
•   If a person doesn't have their own property,
•   How would they get away from an abuser?
•   What happens to the children when a victim of domestic violence is trying to take care of the children but it has zero Financial Resources?

 

Ways One Might Overcome Financial Abuse or Economic Abuse in a Relationship: What is shared responsibility?

  From "Stop Playing the Blame Game and Take Responsibility in Your Relationship, by Katie Christy, Wtiters' Corps" we find some wise words about Why Taking Responsibility is Important? 

  "Taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is an important part of healthy relationships. Doing so is an empowering reminder that you have control over the role you play in your relationship. Taking responsibility creates trust and dependability.  When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turns encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you."

  "For you, taking responsibility looks like practicing self-awareness. Another way is being able to apologize and accept that what you do affects your partner. For your partner, taking responsibility looks like having open communication with you about their feelings and being willing to admit they can grow from the hard parts of the relationship. Your partner learns to take responsibility when they own their behaviors and hold themselves accountable to their actions."  (Source.)

 

Economic partnership, Shared Responsibility and Negotiation and fairness. 

  The Equality Wheel from Duluth suggests that healthier relationships often have properties such as partners who practice:

• Shared Responsibility
• Economic Partnership
• Negotiation and Fairness
• Responsible Parenting
• Respect
• Accountability and Trust
• Equality

Some Ideas on Improving Your Partnership-Ability in your Relationship:

  "Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. Research (Stafford, 2010) underscores the power of these seven behaviors in particular in predicting relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:

• Positivity. Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.
• Understanding. Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.
• Giving assurance. Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.
• Self-disclosing. Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Openness. Share what you need or want in the relationship.
• Sharing tasks. Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).
• Involve networks. Spend time with your partner’s friends and family."(Source.)

So What Was That About the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado and Paying for Treatment?

  Seriously consider the following Questions and you should be able to come up with some answers:

• Why does the domestic violence offender management Board of Colorado require that clients and domestic violence offender treatment be responsible for paying for their own treatment?
• What are some of the reasons why a client in domestic violence treatment wouldn't want to pay for their treatment?
• If a client in domestic violence offender treatment does not pay for his or her own treatment, what does that say about that person's emotional investment and putting domestic violence type Thinking,  Feeling Behavior behind him or her?

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE the Mandatory

Financial / Economic Abuse and Financial Responsibility Worksheet. ***

 $$$ Read More Here about how this could directly impact you $$$

 PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE YOUR PAY-AS-YOU-GO Policy and Your Mandatory FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY in DV Treatment WORKSHEET

  If you have any questions about how to pay for DV Sessions, please Text Dr. B. at            719-671-7793 or email him at nepeht@gmail.com.  Thank you.

 

 >>> Always Keep In Mind: It's a whole lot easier on everyone if you just pay as you go.<<<

 

Sources:

https://www.usafrancefinancials.com/resource-center/money/money-matters-why-it-pays-to-be-financially-responsible

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.theatlantic.com/sponsored/allstate/how-money-traps-victims-of-domestic-violence/750/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Research%20indicates%20that%20financial%20abuse,returning%20to%20an%20abusive%20partner.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

https://www.forbes.com/2010/09/02/women-money-domestic-violence-forbes-woman-net-worth-personal-finance.html?sh=6fbf0c0e1047

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/abuse

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Stop%20Playing%20the%20Blame%20Game%3A%20Take%20Responsibility%20in%20Your%20Relationship&text=Taking%20responsibility%20in%20your%20relationship%20is%20the%20acknowledgment%20and%20ownership,word%20you%20say%20and%20do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/7-simple-ways-you-can-become-better-partner

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

An Emerging Philosophy of Domestic Violence (DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY or PRINT).

--THIS IS A DRAFT POST--

-- PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR PRINT --

  What is a philosophy?  According to Wikipedia, A philosophy is: 

"Philosophy is defined as the systematic study of fundamental questions concerning existence, knowledge, values, reason, and language. The term originates from the Greek word "philosophia," meaning "love of wisdom."  Philosophy involves rational and methodical consideration of reality and human experience, emphasizing clarity and rigorous arguments. It addresses deep questions about the nature of ourselves and the world we live in, reflecting on its methods and assumptions."

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

  So What is My Philosophy of Domcstic Violence?

What is DV???

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is -- Its disrespect, It's abuse, It's an emotion (it's got emotion all over it... From cause to impact.  A Violation of one's rights.  It's a really bad behavior; It's both a lack of control and a manifestation of an attempt to control others; or just a lack of control of our emotions and our behavior. In some places, DV is illegal.  In other places, it is encouraged.  

  Why it is what it is, Why is DV what it is as described above or elsewhere?  It's morally wrong.  In some places, it is wrong due to Civil Rights, Feminist Movement, and the evolution of American Law.  

  In other places, it might be encouraged or required due to religious, theocratic traditions.  

  What about Violence against Men?  

  A violation of Rights because -- Assault is real.  Harassment or False Imprisonment, and Menacing.

What does it mean -- For some it meant, "The man just has a lack of confidence."  Does it mean -- there's no love there?  Possibility...  Shame on you!  It probably means this relationship needs some work (at least), Possibly not real healthy... that could be the fault of either or both partners. Might mean that one or both partners are uneducated about what DV is.  

How it is made?  For some it's made of ignorance, for others, it's made of desparation and fear and anger, it's also sometimes made out of drunkeness and even stonedness and trippin Balls.  It's made from relationships taht are not based in Friendship.  It's made from hoodwinking.  

What it is made of, Disrespect, Impatience, Ignorance, Faulty relationships, Intolerance, Desparation, Anger, a sense of inequality, Toxicity.

Why does DV Exist?  Because some folks don't know any better.  Human nature to be violent, Jealous, Dominant, Controlling of others and/or of their own environemtns.

Why (DV Laws) exists, and WHy does DV exist?  As a set of laws To protect the victims and possible future victims, To protect children

Human nature, 

What it should be, and probably should be... What should DV Be?  Fair -- It should be judged equally in the legal arena; One and done -- if it happens, it should never happen again.  DV Should be some thing that is learned about and talked about at a much younger age and among all.  Should be taught in a preventive manner in school.

How one knows What it is to?  From education when/if it is possible.

 

  How does DV Happen: Can be a results a  misunderstanding,  

  How does one (or a couple) Prevent DV?  

, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

What Domestic Violence is, (Personal Definition versus Legal Definitions, versus Societal Definition).

What is the Meaning of Domestic Violence?  Happens within the home or  within the family.  And harm (physical, emotional or social)

Why Domestic Violence is what it is, (A. Reference -- The Violence Against Women Act.  -- B. Reference Biblical References to DV.)

Why Domestic Violence Exists, (Habit, Bad Parenting of the individuals involved, Learned Violence, Misinterpretations of scripture and other things, Anger Mgmnt. Issues, Addiction, Mental Illness, Impatience, Frustration, Because it can be addictive.  In some cases, Society Promotes it.

What is Domestic Violence is made of?  Power and Control, Anger, Bad History, Bad Choices, Physical Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence, Financial Violence, Social Violence, Digital Violence

How is Domestic Violence made? (The Ingredients), but how do the Ingredients come together?   First, perhaps, comes small talk, dating, attraction, affinity, lust, possessiveness,  Love, attachment, obsession, jealousy, betrayal, sense of loss, fear of loss, control, toxicity, violence, A form of Abandonment.

In a Moral Sense, what is Domestic Violence? It's wrong, It's inexcusable, It's destructive, It's harmful and harm is bad, I hurts innocent people, It's illegal, It is VERY difficult to justify in any given case, It can be a violation of a person, as well as it can be humiliating, embarrassing, It's a form of bullying, It can suck the life out of someone, 

How does one knows What Domestic Violence is?  How do you know DV when you see it?  When you see one person out of the relationship feeling intimidated or the other person controlling what they eat.  

How is DV Addicting?  When you see two people just constantly going at it for what seems to be no reason at all.

What Causes DV?  Insecurities, Mishandled Anger, A loss of control, Assumed Privilege, Selfishness, A lack of empathy or sympathy, A desire for Power or Control, 

How is DV Enabled -- But not caused?  It's helped along by a lack of Societal Protections, An abundance of Alcohol and other Drugs, A violence Culture (Bolstered by violence-infected mass media), Enabled by poor training among professionals, 

What are the Results of DV?  More DV, Jail, Court, Probation, Treatment, Divorce, Separation, Child Abuse, Depression, PTSD, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Broken Homes, Poverty, 

What is DV In a Diverse sense?  Well, in Sharia Law -- it seems to be legal, It tends to mutate across cultures, It's passed down to children in some cases, 

What is the Nature of DV?  

So How do you know if it's DV?  Because they are hitting each other.  Or because they are burdening each other with some sort of real or threatened pain (physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, digital pain).  

What Domestic Violence should be --It should be stopped, prevented, frowned upon, it should cease, 

What is the Human Experience of Domestic Violence?  At first, it was essentially ignored for thousands of years -- and certain cultures and religions addressed it; while others did not address it.  Different Groups, Societies, Cultures, Nations and Religions came up with with different ways of discouraging it o encouraging it, or addressing it, or preventing it.

What does DV look like?  "A couple that's always fighting."  It looks DV Classes.  It looks like Women's Shelters.  It looks like Childrens' Shelters.

Emotional Intelligence (The Feeler / or The Feeling-Thinker) -- For this person, DV might be: Expert at being Emotional Abuse.  And/or They would be very sensitive to Emotional Abuse.  (A feeling manipulator). 

Versus Intellectual Intelligence (The Thinker, The Reasoner versus)  -- For this person, DV might be: Manipulative (A thinking manipulator).  A person who is aware of their abuse.

Versus the Hands-On Intelligence (The Experiential Thinker/Feeling) -- For this person, DV might be: All-out hand-to-hand combat.

When writing a Philosophy of Something, the following topics should be covered (according to AI):

Defining the core concept, 

Exploring its fundamental principles, 

Examining its ethical implications, 

Analyzing its relationship to other concepts, 

Considering different perspectives on the subject, and 

Providing a reasoned argument for your own position on the matter; 

Essentially, using critical thinking to delve deep into the nature and meaning of a particular subject area. 

 What is the Nature of DV:

 What is th Meaning of DV:  

 

The Ontology of DV: 

"Ontology is the branch of philosophy that studies the nature of existence, being, and reality. It also examines the kinds and structures of objects, properties, events, processes, and relations. "

Ontology of Domestic Violence:

"Ontology, at its simplest, is the study of existence. But it is much more than that, too. Ontology is also the study of how we determine if things exist or not, as well as the classification of existence. It attempts to take things that are abstract and establish that they are, in fact, real."

Phenomenology of Domestic Violence:  

1 Descriptive phenomenology. ...

  How would you describe Domestic Violence?

2 Interpretive phenomenology. ...

"how people experience and make meaning of their lives"

3 Hermeneutic phenomenology. ...

"Hermeneutic phenomenological research is rested on the ground of the subjective knowledge. As a philosophy of knowledge applied in hermeneutic phenomenology the epistemology is grounded on the belief that knowledge making is possible through subjective experience and insights."

4 Narrative phenomenology. ...

"Narrative research involves interpreting stories to understand how people make sense of their experiences and perceptions."

The Epistemology of Domestic Violence: 

"Epistemology is the philosophical study of knowledge, or the theory of knowledge. It examines the nature of knowledge, how it's created, and what its limits are. Epistemology also explores how people should acquire beliefs, and which beliefs are valid. "

The Morality of Domestic Violence:  (Ethics: Investigates moral principles and what constitutes right conduct)

"morality is a system of ideas that helps determine what is right and wrong, or good and evil. It is a subjective concept that is part of the philosophical study of ethics, also known as moral philosophy. "

Logic: Examines correct reasoning and how to distinguish good arguments from bad ones. 

Metaphysics: Explores the most general features of reality, existence, and properties. 

Pragmatism and Domestic Violence: 

Pragmatism is a philosophical movement that emphasizes the practical usefulness of ideas, policies, and proposals. It originated in the United States in the late 19th century and was dominant in the country in the early 20th century. 

Pragmatism is based on the idea that: 

The truth of an ideology or proposition is determined by its practical success 

The meaning of a proposition is found in the practical consequences of accepting it 

Ideas should be practical and useful, and unpractical ideas should be rejected 

Action is more important than doctrine, and experience is more important than fixed principles 

Ideas are instruments and plans of action, and their meanings come from their consequences 

Pragmatism is often contrasted with idealism, which is based on high principles or ideals. Pragmatism is based on real-world conditions and what can realistically be done. 

The term "pragmatism" was first used in print in 1898 by William James in his address "Philosophical Conceptions and Practical Results". However, James claimed that his friend and compatriot C. S. Peirce coined the term almost 30 years earlier. 

Notable proponents of pragmatism include Charles Sanders Peirce, William James, and John Dewey. 

Aesthetics: Deals with the nature of beauty and artistic appreciation. 

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Moving from Being Considered the "Offender" in a Domestic Violence Case, (yet Feeling Like a Victim); Toward Becoming an Accountable Survivor

 What does it take to successfully move from feeling like a Victim in a Domestic Violence Situation, but actually being labelled as the "Offender" in that same situation; to becoming a Survivor in that same situation? 

  Even if one is charged with an Offense that includes a DV Enhancer; though one was Charged as an Offender or a Perpetrator; one often feels like THE VICTIM.  

  Why is that?  How does this happen?  Let us Count the ways....

  One basic fact is that a lot of people being charged with DV Offenses have in their lives -- at one point or another -- been victims of Domestic Violence or Family Violence (as an adult; or Child Abuse; or Neglect as a child).  Sometimes even within coupling -- meaning that in some cases, the person who is now Officially the "Victim"; has at times in the past been a perpetrator of abuse against the person who is now considered the "Offender". 

  Look at it this way -- Many circumstances can twist the situation around to where such confusion can happen:  For example: One might even feel like they are a victim of the situation, or a victim of alcohol dependence -- Perhaps, they get angry when they drink and they think its the Alcohol's fault.  

  Or perhaps they feel like a victim of poverty -- like being poor all their lives.  

  Or a victim of the system.  

  Some might even think that the whole reason that they got into trouble was because they are from a different culture or race or a different sexual orientation than a lot of other people around.  

  Or they think the only reason they got into trouble was because the policeman did not like them.  

  Some people might even be a victim of a bad break-up.  

  Some people might even feel like a victim to a mental disorder -- perhaps when they are sick with their psychological problems, they don't think straight...  and that's not fair is it?

  But it goes on and on and on and on...  

  And surely many of these possible reasons or excuses may be valid on one hand.  However, the fact is that just before the point where they got into trouble, they made some choices...  

  Such as a person with an alcohol / anger problem deciding to drink.  

  Or a person with a psychiatric disorder deciding NOT to take their meds.  

  Or they spent the last 2 years telling their partner that they don't really need help with Anger Management... even though their partner has told them many times before that their violence against them is unacceptable.

  But there is a major disconnect here it seems.  Right?

   One problem is that in order to successfully move on in life after a DV Offense, one MUST take Accountability and learn ways to NEVER AGAIN commit Domestic Violence; That's why we go to DV Treatment.

  This way, no one needs to become a Repeat Domestic Violence Offender.  In short, one needs to learn how to prevent DV from occurring in any way in one's life -- even if it means they can never again have a drink of alcohol.

ON The Same Note: It also helps to remember that the Court divides people in Criminal cases into Victims and Offenders.  So frequently, an Offender might also feel like they were victimized.  But the Court is not necessarily going to recognize their Victimhood this time... 

So What is This Really All About?

  This lesson is intended to help better explain how one CAN MOVE ON beyond feeling like a VICTIM; toward feeling like an Accountable Survivor.  There are few things worse than getting stuck in the land of Victimhood; Right? 

  And, it is highly possible large part of the passage-way from Victim to Survivor is through Accountability.  There are probably few Virtues more important and more fruitful than holding one's self Accountable.

  Mind you; THIS IS IN NO WAY ABOUT BLAMING THE VICTIM!  Hence, one should never twist these words around to make it sound like it is suggested that your DV Offense is actually the Victim's fault.

  At the same time, there is nothing wrong a person who feels like a Victim; taking it upon her or his self to find her or his own sense of Accountability about how she or he got into this situation in the first place.

 First, think about this:  What does the word Accountability mean to you in terms of your Domestic Violence Offense?

  Like really.... Think about it for a moment?!?!?!?

  Let's check out what the Experts say:

  Accountability can be defined in various ways. 

   Accountability can be defined as: "The quality or state of being accountable especially: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions ..." (Source).

   Fair???

   Accountability can also be defined as: "According to Social Workers: "Accountability means being obliged and responsible to others."  "Accountability means being answerable to others and is related to responsibility.  One takes responsibility for actions but one is held accountable"(Source). 

   Fair???

   Finally, Accountability can be defined this way: "Psychologists define Accountability as: “The condition of having to answer, explain, or justify one's actions or beliefs to another. It often includes the possibility that you will be held responsible and punished if your acts cannot be justified, or rewarded if your actions are justified.  Accountability is a composite of numerous factors: being held responsible for one’s actions, presence of another, being identifiable as an actor, evaluation by an audience, and providing validation for one’s behavior" (Source).

  

  It also helps to think about what is a Victim; versus what is a Survivor?

A Victim could be thought of as: 

  “One that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions (a victim of cancer, a victim of an auto crash, a murder victim).  (Maby even a victim of DV?)

  A Victim could also be: One that is subjected to oppression, hardship, or mistreatment.  For example: a frequent victim of political attacks, one that is tricked or duped, or even a conman's victim.”  (Source)

Question: Would a person who knows that when he drinks too much he gets angry and violent truly be a victim of the alcohol if he had consequences to deal with?

  Sure, he could say that the Alcohol contributed to his bad behavior.  However, he would also have to accept the fact that he chose to drink and/or he chose not to get help for his problem before it was too late.

  However, even if one has this problem, one MUST be Accountable for their behavior and for any related damages to person or property. 

  It's also important to note that a serious Challenge for a lot of good people is overcoming their cravings and/or dependency on Alcohol, drugs, gambling, casual sex or other self-destructive behaviors.  And persons who quit drinking or other behaviors are often thought of as "Recovering Alcoholics"  or Recovering Gamblers etc.. -- rather than cured.  Or perhaps a Surviving Alcoholic or a surviving Gambler.  But hopefully, In Recovery; meaning they are sober or they have actually quit the behavior.  It's also important to note that for many people, these struggles last their entire lives.  So given that, how is this behavior 100% their fault if they have a disease? 

So then, What is a Survivor?

  One who survives the death of a loved one: Such as remaining alive after the death of someone.  This person is generally spoken of as:  "He is survived by his wife.  To continue to exist or live after (survived the earthquake);  To continue to function or prosper despite (numerous challenges).   Or to withstand.  (Such as being described as: "they survived many hardships”) (Source).

Now, Think for a minute: 

  Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Victim? 

  Think about or describe a time in your life when you have been a Survivor?

  How are these two conditions different?  

  How are these two conditions similar? (Keep reading).

The Problem of Feeling Like a Victim: 

   An Important Note: Sometimes when we feel like victims, we tend to excuse what we do to others, as though is it our Right to show them how we are hurting, by trying to make them feel the pain and fear that we feel as victims.  Nonetheless, taking one’s own experiences as a Victim and trying to make other people relive them is just plain wrong WRONG.  Right??? 

   Why is this so -- that we should not put our pain onto someone else?   How is it wrong to make someone else experience the pain that I am experiencing?  For one, we have no right to do that.

  Consider this:  Could it be Legally Right or even Morally Right to have someone else experience the fear, the pain, or the anguish and the residual effects of my victimhood?

  Probably NOT.

  NO.So then, if I have all this pain from my past, what can I do with it?

  One Possibility is that I could probably try to live with it and overcome it.  In the meantime, why not try to become (in my Heart and Mind) an Accountable Survivor Instead of a Victim?  Is that Possible for you?  Can you do this?  Probably.  You can definitely try, right?

  (Please Note: The idea here is to be able to notice that a person coming from the emotional position of a Survivor is going to be coming out of a different place, a different set of thoughts and a different set of feelings than a person coming from the Victim position.)

Perhaps these first three rules of becoming a Survivor could help:

 

1. I don't want to go any further down if I can help it.

   (Whereas a Victim might instead be spending time demonstrating just how low down they can go); and 

2. I no longer have any need or a desire to pull anyone else down with me... If I do go down;

3. I would NEVER wish my pain or my anguish or my fear onto another living soul.  And that's how bad I have felt at times when I was a victim.

  What if it turns out that letting go of that need or desire for revenge is a giant step toward becoming a survivor?

  But sometimes, we are angry or hurt about what happened to us.  But we don't necessarily know what we should be doing right now, do we?  

  Hence, at first, this project of becoming accountable and becoming a Survivor might include some effort that feels kind of like basically faking it until we make it. 

  Even if I feel like a victim, I can try to start thinking like a Survivor instead.  And that might include the following such as: Gratitude for having survived, Wanting to do better next time, Letting go of the resentment...etc..., and Looking for some reasonable solutions, and developing the will to make some positive CHANGE.

  Remember: EVEN if one feels WRONGED by how one's DV Offense unfolded; One is NOT technically "The Victim" in that Offense.  This is important to always remember.

  So here is ONE LAST QUESTION Before you do the Worksheet:

  Would you rather be a DV Victim? 

   Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like a Victim?

   Or, Would you rather be a DV Offender who feels like an Accountable Survivor?

 Think about it.

*** Please CLICK HERE to complete your Offender/Victim To Survivor Worksheet ***

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER TO ALSO COMPLETE A SESSION FEEDBACK FORM FOR EVERY SESSION THAT YOU ATTEND.  Look for the link beside the AMERICAN FLAG.

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"FROM VICTIM TO SUVIVOR"

Please see Additional Readings Below: 

Enough said.  Lets move on:

Check out The following essay on Survivors Vs. Victims of Disasters, written by J. Faletto.

"About Survivors Vs. Victims of Disasters: (Faletto, J. 2017)

“Surviving a disaster doesn't just come down to fight or flight. Circumventing danger is more complicated than that. However, there may be one way to gauge if you have what it takes to make it out alive, thanks to a 2015 study. Do you possess the eight shared traits of survivors?  (Related Video: The Woman Who Survived a 10,000 Foot Fall)

“I'm a Survivor, I'm Not Gon' Give Up” They say you won't know how you'll respond to a catastrophe until you're faced with one. A study published in PLOS One in July 2015 set out to clear up that mystery. What does it take to survive? The researchers interviewed and surveyed survivors of the 2011 Japan earthquake and tsunami disaster to get closer to what fuels the power to live in these scenarios. More than 1,400 survivors received the questionnaire, which included 40 items, each pertaining to one of three classes of characteristics: personal traits, attitudes, and habits. Drumroll please ... here is the list of Eight Traits that were shared among the Survivors of that disaster:” 

(Characteristics of Survivors):

1.     “Leadership: This represents the attitude or habit of gathering and organizing people. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements (taken from the questionnaire):  “I take initiative in talking to other people.  Sophisticated words that move other people come out of my mouth.”

2.     Problem-solving:  This represents the attitude or habit of strategically tackling problems. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “The more agitated the people around me become, the calmer I somehow become.  When I am fretting about what I should do, I compare several alternative actions.”

3.     Altruism: This represents the personality trait that causes people to care about and help others. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I like it when other people rely on me and are grateful to me.  When someone asks me to do something for them, I cannot refuse.”

4.   Stubbornness: This represents the personality trait, attitude, or habit of sticking to one's desires or beliefs. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “I say whatever it is I want to say without hesitation.  I hate losing.”

5.   Etiquette: This represents the attitude or habit of conforming to social norms in daily behavior. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “In everyday life, I take care of myself as much as possible.  When someone has helped me or been kind to me, I clearly convey my feelings of gratitude.”

6. Emotional regulation: This represents the attitude or habit of endeavoring to stay calm in difficult or strained circumstances. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements:  “When something happens, I try to stay calm and not panic.  During difficult times, I endeavor not to brood.”

7. Self-transcendence: This represents awareness of the meaning of one's life from a spiritual perspective. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “I am aware of the path and teachings I should follow as a person.  I am aware of the role I should play in society.”

8. Active well-being: This refers to the daily practice of maintaining or improving one's physical, mental, and intellectual status. You may possess this trait if you strongly agree with these statements: “In everyday life, I endeavor to find opportunities to acquire new knowledge, skills, and attitudes.  In everyday life, I have habitual practices that are essential for relieving stress or giving me a change of pace.””   (Faletto, J. 2017)  Retrieved 7/8/2019). 

   Think about the above Personality Traits or Characteristics of these people who Survived a tremendous disaster.  These people chose -- even at the time of the disaster -- the be survivors instead of Victims.  Then they made it happen

  Believe it or not, one can then evolve out of the Victim Position, to the Survivor Position, and then eventually move on to become a Thriver!  

From Victim to Survivor to Thriver  Dillmann, PsyD (2011), Retrieved 7/8/2019 from: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/victim-survivor-thriver-trauma-stages/

  “A woman raises her arms in victory as she stands outside facing the sun. One way to understand the healing journey is to think of growing from a place of victimization to survival, and ultimately, to thriving. While a person has had no choice about being victimized, he or she does have a choice about growing through these stages."

(Dr. B. Says: Sometimes we do have a choice about potentially being victimized by leaving ourselves open, or making unwise choices -- like drinking when we know we shouldn't.  Still in all, we can make a choice RIGHT NOW to start to grow in a positive direction.  Even in the middle of a crisis, we can be resolved to become a Survivor.  And with a little luck, it could come true.  But if we just give in, we might end up just being victims instead.  Which do you choose?)

  "Regardless of what the traumatic event was, where or when it occurred, there was a period of time when victimization occurred. This victimization is not something one should feel guilt or shame about, rather it is a factual reality to understand, accept, and grow through. When an individual cannot or does not grow through the period of victimization, one can think of this person as being stuck within the victim stage.

  An individual in the victim stage feels as though he or she is still in the trauma—no matter how long ago the actual traumatic incident(s) occurred. The sense of being in that moment of time permeates the person’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and even his or her sense of self. It is common for an individual in this stage to avoid many emotions while experiencing in abundance feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, fragility, self-pity, numbness, defeat, shame, self-hatred, and discouragement. The person might feel out of control or angry, want to hide and hope to be rescued. The individual often believes he or she lacks choices and has few possibilities and a shortened future. This combination of thoughts leads to little planning for the future and a preoccupation with the past.

  In addition, the individual may feel plagued by memories of the event, particularly if he or she is struggling with flashbacks. Common behaviors that arise out of these thoughts and feelings are self-destructive ones such as addictions or a pervasive passivity. While most individuals, even those who have been stuck within this stage for quite some time, do not desire to be within the victimization stage, some individuals do experience secondary gains (such as love, support, attention, assistance) from being within this victim stage.

  These benefits can also become intertwined with the individual’s way of life and identity, making it all the more difficult to grow through this phase. Just as some individuals struggle with leaving this stage, some individuals struggle with being in this stage and try to avoid acknowledging the truth of the victimization.  Neither approach is healthy, because true recovery can only occur when one has dwelt within and then healed out of this stage.

(In some ways, the big difference between the Victim Stage and the Survivor  stage and the Thriver stage may be the degree of Reality that one is willing to accept about their Victimization -- including the idea about the choices they made that might have contributed to them becoming victims or Survivors.  And this is followed by the degree of HOPE a person has as well.  And people tend to need hope in order to have better outcomes and even improved mental health.)

  Once a person has grown through the victim stage, he or she enters into the survivor stage, which is the time when one begins to feel strong and confident and to truly believe that there are resources and choices. A key realization of this stage is that an individual has gotten through the trauma intact, or mostly intact, and is indeed outside of it. This understanding allows the person to begin integrating the trauma into his or her life story, to take control of life, and to recognize potential for change and growth.

  For many, a sense of satisfaction accompanies this realization as does a shift into an emotional state that has less suffering, less pain, less guilt, and definitely less depression. Many of the difficult emotions decrease, and though this is not necessarily a happy phase of life, moments of happiness will start to occur more often. As one progresses through this stage, living one day at a time increasingly becomes a primary focus. Coping from day to day and acting upon a commitment to healing, trusting, and restoring relationships becomes the essence of healing.

  The thriver stage crystallizes the growth of the survivor stage and takes one’s healing to the point where he or she has general satisfaction with life as well as a sense that ordinary life is both interesting and enjoyable. Commitment to moving forward, to taking care of one’s physical health, to investing in one’s career, relationships, and love and life allow these gains to occur. On an emotional level, feelings of strength, empowerment, compassion, resilience, and self-determination eclipse the emotions experienced within the victim stage. In addition a renewed sense of joy, peace, and happiness arises because one has grown, despite the traumatic experience, and is living well.

  It is within this thriver stage that a person’s thinking becomes less pessimistic; he or she begins to think and believe that that there are long-term options, that there is a point to planning for the future, and he or she begins to recognize and embrace new possibilities. This living well is also exemplified in an ability to connect with others who are suffering, to accept imperfections in loved ones, and to reach out to others. Life is once again rich in meaningful relationships which help the person find a sense of meaning and purpose. If any symptoms of posttraumatic stress or other issues remain, the individual has learned how to effectively cope with these symptoms. Ultimately, he or she perceives him- or herself as more than a victim. One recognizes him- or herself as a valuable individual who, though tempered by tragedy, has risen and moved beyond the trauma” (Source).

(Dr. B says: A large part of the journey toward Survival and Thriving is about doing the Right Thing -- what ever that is...  Even if we don't know all the answers, we can try our best.  And we just might find them.   We can almost always ask someone for help.  We now have that positive energy that can fuel such a journey.  And as you go along, be sure to accept the fact that this includes building a positive Support System that you can lean on if you need to.)

Music about Hitting Bottom and Survival:

Whenever God Shines His Light On Me: Gets Your Feet Back on Higher Group

We Can Be Heroes (David Bowie)

The Water is Wide (Karla Bonoff)

Sweet Melissa (Allman Brothers)

Reflections of My Life (Marmalaide)

It Takes Every Kind of People (Robert Palmer)

What's Going On (Marvin Gaye)

The Water is Wide (James Taylor)

(Originally Posted 1/11/2021)

Sources:

• https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/accountability
• https://sk.sagepub.com/books/key-concepts-in-social-work-practice/n1.xml#:~:text=Accountability%20means%20being%20obliged%20and,them%20with%20a%20protected%20title.
• http://psychology.iresearchnet.com/social-psychology/social-cognition/accountability/#:~:text=Accountability%20is%20the%20condition%20of,if%20your%20actions%20are%20justified.
• © Copyright 2011 by Susanne M. Dillmann, PsyD, therapist in Escondido, California. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
•  (Faletto, J. 2017)  Retrieved 7/8/2019: https://curiosity.com/topics/these-are-the-8-characteristics-shared-by-people-who-have-survived-disasters-curiosity/)

 

Footnote:

“Effects of domestic violence on children  

"Many children exposed to violence in the home are also victims of physical abuse.1 Children who witness domestic violence or are victims of abuse themselves are at serious risk for long-term physical and mental health problems.2 Children who witness violence between parents may also be at greater risk of being violent in their future relationships. If you are a parent who is experiencing abuse, it can be difficult to know how to protect your child” (Source).

 (c. 2021, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).