Making Choices About Relationships -- How Important is it to Make a SMART Choice Regarding Our Relationships?

  When you make an important choice in your life, what do you go through... ?    What's it like for you?

  Some folks think that Relationships just happen automatically -- or even magically.  Like I'm just walking along one day and BOOM!!! Cupid done hit me with an Arrow.... and I'm in love.  

  Ain't no stopping me now!  

  Other times, we feel comfortable; or even obligated due to having a shared history or something like that.

  What is this about relationships that a person will pretty much risk their livelihood -- if not her or his life -- in order to be in one?  Why are relationships sometimes so difficult and/or so impactful?  

  Sometimes or Somewhere among the ponderings that we go through while crying through the shambles of a broken relationship we start making choices, don't we?  Even in the Break-Up Zone we are making choices.  But then a lot of folks don't think about it this way; so what comes next seems like it could be nothing, a make up, a break up, or a new relationship -- or even just a distraction.

  So, How about Relationships -- Do our troubles just come to us automatically; or do we help create them?  So this gets us to thinking doesn't it...

  Do I make SMART Choices regarding Relationships?  Sometimes, yes.  But No, Not always.  Right?

  Can we agree that it is time to start Making Smarter Choices regarding our Relationships -- So what is a SMART Choice anyway?

  

What is A Real S M A R T choice?  Well it starts with the following tools here            (Spell it out -- SMART):

BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP or 

BEFORE YOU MAKE THE NEXT BIG DECISION IN YOUR EXISTING RELATIONSHIP consider the following:

S -- Be Sort of Selfish.  -- Think about your own needs first... (Wants and Desires come later). What are my needs?  Don't ever get into a relationship just because THEY want you to.  What if I make a bad choice?  

  NEVER be so afraid to make a change that you are stubbornly stuck with a poor choice.  Realize, you are there by CHOICE.

M  -- MAKE sure you go for a Healthy Relationship -- NOT just a fling -- Unless of course a fling is all you really want.  But be sure to protect yourself.  Either way, always try to choose the Healthier Road.  Before you make a choice; be sure it is a choice you can live with (and hopefully thrive with).

A   -- Remember, to make A smart choice.  Assess the Potential Pros and Cons first -- before you act.  -- Always do a Cost-Benefit Analysis (Hint: Always Analyze the potential costs first).  Look at the Risks first.

R  -- Always Respect Yourself and Respect your potential partners -- no matter what happens.  Respect is the name of the game in healthy relationships.  Remember: Whenever DV Happens, someone is probably disrespecting someone.  And it might be the other person or themselves or both.

  And then finally...

T  -- Trust your Instincts, and your Desires, and your Attractions -- but NEVER do so, prior to conducting a thorough empirical analysis.  (Empirical means that you separate what you KNOW from what you THINK you KNOW).  Get REAL.  DO NOT go against Reality.  Know as much as you possibly can about what you are getting into before you get into it.

               Finally, Slow Down!  Don't go so fast... We have all day.

  Sometimes the person who we are when we first meet someone else is a good bit different from the person who we become while in the relationship.  

  Sometimes this might be good.  

  But other times -- all too many times -- this can be tragic.

For example: 

  Did you ever wish you could stop and really examine how YOU are in long-term Relationships?  Like who do I become when I get involved?

    Or 

  Have you ever even really looked at how your prospective partners might be in a long-term Relationship -- before you get into the relationship with them?  

  If you answer is "No", then realize that this is a pretty natural thing.  It is natural for humans to want to find mates.  And sometimes we feel so awful after losing one mate that we are not as selective or choosy as we should be in selecting the next potential mate.  Why?  Because we are in such a hurry.

  Hence, we end up in trouble again -- sometimes BIG Trouble!  

  If you don't like getting into trouble, then perhaps it could be beneficial to develop some good insights into why your relationships sometimes turn out the way they do -- whether good or bad?

  And it seems logical to assume that one of the greatest influences on how we behave in relationships could have something to do with the kind of person we are in relationships.  Or with the type of person we are with -- if there is a difference.

  So whether I am already in a Relationship; or I am not currently in a Relationship but I want- or don't want to be in that Relationship; questions around the idea of What Type of Person I am; and What Type of Person I might like to have in my life can be very important.  Exploring this might help us for a number of reasons.  It could definitely give us some useful insights.

  So, Did I ever really stop to think: What Type of Person am I?  

  When I am in a Relationship, do I tend to feel, think, react or act in certain ways that either encourage the relationship to last; or even destroy the relationship before it's time?  

  A very honest look at this can quite possibly bring a bounty of wisdom.

  But then we really must remember that it takes two to have a relationship.  

  So it's not only about me and how I think, feel and behave.  But it's also about my partner and how they think, feel and behave.

  All of this begs the question(s): 

-- What Type of Person am I? 

-- What Type of Person Would I Like to Have in my Life? 

-- And what exactly do I want and need in a Relationship?

  Like am I the type of person that brings out the furious anger in a mate?  -- Not that it's my fault if they are abusive though.  

  Or ...  Do I just have a tendency to push a few too many buttons sometimes?

  Or ...  am I a person who is easy to love on a daily basis?

  

Think about it:  

What kind of person are you? 

Are you easy to live with? 

Are you an easy lover? 

Or Are you difficult to handle? 

If so, do you want to change that?  

The first step to changing anything is to have a good understanding of what is going on with you.

Or, Look at it This Way:  Another related set of important questions could be:   

  What kind of person would you like to have in your life?  

One who is easy to live with? 

One who is an easy lover? 

Charming? 

Or one who is difficult to handle .... and challenging... or perhaps a little drama here and there?

  Then Maybe One Should Ask -- What are some of the characteristics of a person (self or other) who is Easy to live with for you?  

  Or Ask -- what are some of the characteristics of a person who is NOT Easy to live with for you?

  In other words: What do I really want a person to be like that I would want to get involved with? 

  And then ask, What would that person want me to be like if we were in a relationship?

 After this, one can even go on to think about what exactly do I feel like I need in a Relationship?  And other things like that as well.

  And Thinking about these things before diving deeper into an existing relationship can be pretty wise; or before striking up a new relationship as well.  This might help us to avoid pitfalls as well as help us to have better relationships in the future.

This is a good time for a TOOL (No, not that kind of tool!):

Relationship-Related Qualities (Good and Bad) That Some People tend to have:

  Try considering this Partial List of Relationship-Related Qualities (good and bad) that some people tend to have in Relationships.  Then for each quality ask yourself a couple of questions: 

•   Does this quality describe me and how I am in a Relationship?  And/Or...

•   Does this quality describe the kind of person I would like to be with in a Relationship?

•   OR... is this the kind of person who I would LOVE to be like in a relationship; OR in a relationship with... but it just never seems to happen that way?

Here's THE LIST:   Ready???

Industrious

Creative

A Follower

The Leader

A Good Lover

A Hater

Kinda Freaky

A Straight Edge

The Worker

A Good Parent

An Adult Child who has not yet worked through it.

Brutally Honest

A Nice Person

The Helper 

The Martyr (Always the Victim)

Very Serious (But NOT Stalker Status)

A Jokester

Really Smart

Somewhat Destructive

The Neat-Freak

A Slob

A Collector (But not a Hoarder)

The Hippie (how about the Old Hippie)

Delicate

Durable

Jealous

A Dancer

Somewhat Courageous

Narrowly-Focused

Broad-Minded

Sex-Appeal

Passive

Aggressive

Passive- Aggressive

Submissive

Straight Up

Laid Back

Religious / Spiritual

Daddy's Little Girl / Mama's Little Boy

Relatively Independent

Talented

Easy-Going

Futuristic

Frugal

Cheap

Wasteful

Dwells on the Past

Forgiving

Humble

Fretful

Confident

Generous

Stingy

Always Punctual

Lackadaisical

Motivated

Waiting to be told what to do

A Real Go-Getter

A Gaming Addict

A Disappointment

The Cheater

El Borracho / La Borracha

Attractive or Cute

Loyal

Very Political

Single-Minded

Foolish

Wise

Prideful

Lazy or

Modest

  -- So First, we go through this list (or another list -- you can add to it if you like) and we figure out some good information about who we are.  Am I any of these things?

  -- And then next, we go through and think about who we really want in our life?

  This is probably a useful exercise because some people can be extremely easy to get along with at first.  But once they get into the relationship, they can be really hard to deal with.  And it truly does not have to be that way.

  In other words, it can be heartbreaking when one learns that the person they got involved with is nothing like the person who they thought they were in the beginning.  

So Again: Think About It.  What type of person are you in a relationship?  

And what type of person would you like to be with in a relationship?

*** Click Here to Complete Your 

Qualities of Self and Partners 

in Relationships Worksheet ***

What is it like loving and/or living with a person who is violent? What is it like for Adults? What is it like for Children?

 *** THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY or DUPLICATE               IN ANY WAY. ***

"Loving and living with a violent person is frequently described as a traumatizing, isolating, and confusing experience, characterized by a "cycle of abuse" where violent outbursts are interspersed with periods of calm or kindness. Victims often feel as though they are walking on eggshells, constantly adjusting their behavior to avoid triggering their partner's temper. 

DomesticShelters.org

Key Aspects of the Experience

The Cycle of Abuse: Living with a violent partner usually involves a repeating pattern: tension building, the violent act (physical, verbal, or emotional), followed by a "honeymoon phase" of apologies and promises of change.

Constant Fear and Anxiety: The threat of violence can create a permanent state of fear, causing anxiety, depression, and long-term PTSD.

Isolation and Control: Abusers often limit their partner’s contact with friends and family, control their finances, and monitor their activities to create dependency.

Gaslighting and Confusion: Victims may be manipulated into questioning their own reality, memory, or sanity, with the abuser often blaming the victim for triggering the violence.

Trauma Bonding: Despite the harm, victims may feel a deep, intense attachment to their partner—known as trauma bonding—which can make leaving feel incredibly difficult. 

Behavioral Hospital of Bellaire"

"Emotional and Psychological Impact

Loss of Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and degradation can erode a person's sense of worth, making them feel they deserve the abuse or cannot survive without the partner.

Shame and Secrecy: Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed, leading them to hide the abuse from others, which further empowers the abuser.

Feeling Trapped: Victims often feel trapped due to fear of retaliation, lack of money, or a desire to keep the family together for children.

Physical Symptoms: The stress of living in a violent home often leads to chronic health issues, such as insomnia, headaches, and physical injuries." 

Psychiatry.org

"Why People Stay

Leaving a violent relationship is often the most dangerous time, and partners often stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. Reasons for staying include:" 

Florida State University

Hope for Change: Believing the partner's promises that the violence will never happen again.

Financial Dependence: Lacking the resources to live independently.

Fear of Retaliation: The threat of severe harm or death if they leave."

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Finding Help

Violence in relationships is never the victim's fault and rarely changes without intervention. 

American Psychological Association (APA)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788.

Seek Support: Contact a counselor, doctor, or a trusted friend to help create a safety plan. 

American Psychological Association (APA)

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or local emergency services."

VIDEO: "How Domestic Violence Impacts Children"

VIDEO: "How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris | TED"

VIDEO: "Long term effects of domestic violence"

VIDEO: "Abusive Relationships Don't Always Look Like What You Think"

VIDEO: "8 Ways Emotional Abuse Traumatizes You"

VIDEO: "Finding the Light: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence"

VIDEO: "5 Stages of Abuse, 3 Is The Most Dangerous"

VIDEO: "Male Victims of Domestic Violence"

VIDEO: "Central Valley advocates speak up for teen domestic violence victims"

VIDEO: "What Are the 4 Phases of Emotional Abuse & How Does the Cycle Work? | Dr. David Hawkins"

VIDEO: "How can an advocate help if I’m experiencing abuse?"""

VIDEO: "How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris | TED"

Just a simple Google Search of: "hormonal impact of children impacted by domestic violence"; yielded the following result:

"Children exposed to domestic violence often experience "toxic stress," leading to elevated, chronic levels of cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline due to a sustained fight-or-flight response. This hormonal imbalance can permanently alter brain development, cause immune system dysfunction, and result in long-term mental health issues (anxiety, depression) and poor stress management. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Key Hormonal and Physiological Impacts:

Chronic Cortisol Elevation: Repeated exposure to trauma keeps cortisol (the primary stress hormone) constantly high, which can damage the hippocampus, affecting memory and emotion regulation.

Adrenaline Overload: Elevated adrenaline and noradrenaline increase heart rate and agitation, while reducing attention span.

Dysregulated Stress Response: Over time, the body may attempt to adapt by decreasing arousal receptors, leading to an impaired or dysfunctional stress response system.

Prenatal/Infant Impact: Maternal stress from intimate partner violence (IPV) can reduce the enzyme (11beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase type 2) that protects the fetus, resulting in higher fetal cortisol exposure and a larger, slower-to-recover cortisol response in infants.

Physiological Changes: These alterations are linked to higher rates of physical health problems in adulthood, including poor immune function. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Long-Term Behavioral/Physical Consequences:

Developmental Disruptions: Children may experience regression, such as loss of toilet training, sleep disturbances, and nightmares.

Behavioral Issues: Chronic stress presents as irritability, withdrawal, over-compliance, or aggression.

Cognitive Delays: Executive functioning, self-regulation, and language development may be impaired. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Need for Support:

Early intervention and a supportive, stable environment are crucial to mitigating these biological changes and fostering resilience. 

YouTube" (Source).

Aristotle's EUDAIMONIA for Prevention of Domestic Violence!

THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT or DISTRIBUTE.

What Is (or Was) Aristotle's Eudaimonia?

  "Eudaimonia is the Aristotelian concept of human flourishing, a life lived in accordance with virtue and reason, representing the highest human good."

  "Eudaimonia, often translated as "happiness," is more accurately understood as human flourishing or living well, rather than a temporary state of pleasure or contentment (Britannica),. In Aristotle’s philosophy, it is the ultimate goal of human life, desirable for its own sake, and achieved through the good performance of the characteristic function of humans, which is rational activity in accordance with virtue (Britannica),. This involves cultivating moral and intellectual virtues, making ethical choices, and striving for excellence in all aspects of life" (Berkeley Wellbeing) (Britannica) (Source).

  "Eudaimonia is not merely subjective happiness or pleasure; it is the objective result of living a life in accordance with virtue and reason."  (Source.) 

https://youtu.be/Pn-x_cv55_Y?si=llrghd6GMgZJgc_X

  So, How do we get there??? -- To Eudaimonia...

 "Aristotle’s rules for an ethical life (eudaimonia) focus on virtue, habituation, and acting as a rational agent to achieve human flourishing. He emphasizes finding the "Golden Mean" between extremes of deficiency and excess in actions, cultivating intellectual/moral virtues, maintaining meaningful relationships, and exercising reason to guide choices."  (Source).

"Core Rules for Ethical Living

The Golden Mean: Act ethically by finding the balance between excess and deficiency. For instance, courage is the mean between cowardice (deficiency) and rashness (excess).

Habituation of Virtue: Virtue is not innate; it is developed through practice. One becomes virtuous by performing virtuous actions repeatedly until they become a habit, forming a strong character.

Acting with Reason: Ethical behavior requires deliberation and intentional choices rather than acting solely on passion or emotion.

Purposeful Action (Telos): Every act should aim at a "good," ultimately aimed at eudaimonia, which is defined as flourishing, or living and doing well.

Cultivating Relationships: Friendship and social engagement are vital components of a fulfilling, ethical life." (The Philosophy Teaching Library) (Source).

https://youtu.be/AACj96mvSbo?si=g97JCNzgyzDZrUrZ

"Applying Aristotle to a Virtual Life 

Digital Mean: Practice moderation in online habits. Avoid the extreme of digital addiction (excess) and social media avoidance (deficiency), finding a balance that supports personal growth.

Virtuous Digital Character: Ensure online actions reflect real-world virtues like honesty and courage rather than acting recklessly or cowardly due to digital anonymity.

Purposeful Engagement: Use virtual tools to pursue knowledge, meaningful connections, and personal development rather than merely for trivial consumption or idle distractions.

Ethical Moderation: Control digital impulses and emotions (anger, craving for validation) to maintain mental stability and rational decision-making."  (Philosophy Break) (Source).

VIDEO -- EUDAIMONIA

https://youtu.be/1ol6i1BotkM?si=uOpjsPmo1sX5Hfat

"Maintaining Eudaimonia (Flourishing) 

Lifelong Practice: Eudaimonia is not a temporary state but a lifelong pursuit, requiring continuous, habitual engagement in virtuous activities.

Rational Reflection: Regularly evaluate one’s actions and motivations through reflection to ensure they align with high ethical standards and one's ultimate goals.

Balance of Goods: While virtue is paramount, acknowledge that a good life also requires sufficient resources and external goods (health, friends).  (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)."  (https://share.google/aimode/VzAMr81oBck2jp7qJ ). 

Discussion Questions: 

  So when looking at The Concept of ETHICAL LIVING How might ETHICAL LIVING help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  So when looking at the idea of Living an Ethical Virtual Life; How might LIVING An ETHICAL VIRTUAL LIFE help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  So when looking at the concept of EUDAIMONIA How might Eudaimonia help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  How might EUDAIMONIA help us have healthier relationships?

Character Flaws, Personality Disorders, and Domestic Violence

DRAFT POST -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT OR QUOTE

 Some Say that Domestic Violence can be a result of Character Flaws.

First Step -- What is Character?

What is Character? 

"1. the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

2. "

"What is the meaning of character?

A character is a person or being in a narrative (such as a novel, play or film). The character may be entirely fictional or based on a real-life person, in which case the distinction of a "fictional" versus "real" character may be made.

Character (arts) - Wikipedia

Wikipedia -- https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Character_(arts)

What is the meaning of flawed character?

AI Overview

"A flawed character is a fictional person with specific imperfections, weaknesses, or internal conflicts that make them relatable, realistic, and prone to mistakes. These defects—ranging from minor quirks to tragic flaws like pride or jealousy—drive the plot, hinder the character’s goals, and create meaningful character arcs."  Reedsy

Usage Examples in Fiction

Tragic Flaw: Achilles' immense pride and anger (hamartia), which lead to his downfall.

Synonyms and Related Terms

Hamartia: A fatal flaw leading to downfall.

Foible: A minor weakness or eccentricity.

Vice: A immoral or wicked behavior.

Imperfection/Weakness/Deficiency: General terms for shortcomings.

Blind Spot: A lack of insight into one's own faults. 

Key Characteristics

Types: Can be minor (habits), major (anger issues), or fatal (destructive pride).

Purpose: Essential for building empathy and engagement, as perfect characters are unbelievable and dull.

Result: They cause internal conflict, hinder success, or damage relationships. 

What does this have to do with Domestic Violence?

 (FYI: Whay does DV Happen?  Situation got out of hand, Jealousy, Character, Not being able to control one's anger, Parental Alienation, Intoxication (alcohol and drugs), An unexpected or unwanted or feared Break-up). 

What is a Character Flaw and What does it have to do with DV?"

  "Is it possible that some DV happens as a result (at least in part) of a Character Flaw (or Flaws) on the part of one or both parties?"

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Examples of Personality Flaws: Control Issues, Trust Issues, Lies A Lot, Extremely Insecure, Afraid, Lack of Confidence, Too Much Confidence, Selfish, Boastful (always bragging but nothing to show for it.)

 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

 +4

Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

 +5

Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

 +4

Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)."  (GOOGLE AI: SOURCE)

(First of all -- Disclaimer -- It is important to note that we ALL have Personalityies.  And we probably ALL have flaws.  This is not really abotu anyone in this room, it is about a phenomenon.)

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Connections for Abused Women and their Children).

Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

 

Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

                                              (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

"Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. " (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship, resources are available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website for confidential support.  *(https://www.google.com/search?  Source)."

What about Personality Traits and Domestic Violence:

"Negative personality traits often hinder personal growth, damage relationships, and create toxic environments. Key negative traits include manipulation, arrogance, selfishness, dishonesty, and apathy. These traits can lead to poor communication, lack of accountability, and constant, unproductive criticism of others. 

Manipulative: Using deceitful or subtle tactics to control others for personal gain.

Arrogant: Acting overconfident, superior, or dismissive toward others.

Selfish: Lacking empathy and focusing only on one's own needs and interests.

Dishonest: Lacking integrity, frequently lying, or misleading people.

Apathetic/Cynical: Lacking care, passion, or assuming the worst about people and situations. 

Other common, detrimental traits include impulsiveness, constant complaining, insecurity, and defensiveness." (Source).

Good Character and Prevention of Domestic Violence:

"The Six Pillars of Character is a framework for teaching good character and is composed of six ethical values (characteristics) everyone can agree upon: Trustworthiness; Respect; Responsibility; Fairness; Caring; and Citizenship." ()

"Good character shapes a relationship by establishing a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety, which are essential for long-term success. It drives positive interactions through empathy, intentional communication, and accountability, allowing couples to navigate challenges effectively. Good character fosters harmony by prioritizing mutual needs and fostering personal growth. 

From the Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute: 

"Key Ways Good Character Shapes Relationships:

Builds Trust and Stability: Integrity, honesty, and loyalty are core character traits that make a partner reliable, creating a secure environment for intimacy to flourish.

Fosters Effective Communication: Individuals with good character practice active listening, are intentional about communication, and handle disagreements constructively without resorting to abuse or contempt.

Promotes Resilience and Growth: Strong character enables partners to take responsibility for their mistakes, show humility, and support each other's personal growth, which keeps the relationship evolving.

Encourages Empathy and Support: Compassion and kindness ensure that partners feel supported, understood, and validated, reducing the impact of conflict.

Ensures Equality and Respect: Good character means treating a partner as an equal, respecting boundaries, and valuing their perspective, rather than attempting to control or change them. 

 

Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute

Character acts as the foundation that determines the "destiny" of a marriage, often proving more vital to long-term fulfillment than love alone. " (Source)

What is a Personality Disorder?

So what is wrong with a Personality Disorder?

"Personality disorders can severely strain relationships through chronic conflict, intense emotional volatility, fear of abandonment, and manipulative or controlling behaviors. Partners often experience an "emotional roller coaster" characterized by rapid shifts between idolization and devaluation (splitting), creating an unpredictable, exhausting, and often abusive environment that erodes trust and mental health. 

Mental Health Center of America

Key ways a personality disorder can damage a relationship include:

Emotional Volatility & Conflict: Rapid, intense mood swings can lead to explosive anger, unpredictable arguments, and constant stress, leaving partners feeling trapped or emotionally exhausted.

Fear of Abandonment & Clinging: Intense anxiety regarding abandonment can cause desperate, controlling, or insecure behaviors, such as constant reassurance seeking or sabotaging the relationship first to avoid being left.

Splitting & Idealization-Devaluation: The partner may be viewed as either perfect or terrible (black-and-white thinking), leading to sudden, confusing shifts in treatment from loving to intensely critical.

Manipulative or Distrustful Behavior: Some personality disorders, like paranoid or antisocial, can cause severe mistrust, leading to unfounded accusations of infidelity or malicious intent. This can result in manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse.

Impulsive and Self-Destructive Actions: Risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, or threats of self-harm, can devastate a couple's stability.

Isolation: Individuals may isolate their partners from friends and family or become intensely codependent, destroying the partner's support systems. 

Mayo Clinic

While these behaviors are not typically a conscious choice, they stem from ingrained patterns that often require professional intervention and therapy (like DBT) to manage."  (Source)

How Might These Contribute to Domestic Violence?

Does this make DV Okay?

What are Character Flaws?

What do a Person's Perception, Sense of Feeling or Emotional Reaction, Thinking, Behavior and  Conscience look like when they have a Character Flaw?

What if the Flaw is in both (would-be) partners?

What is a Personality Disorder?

List of Personality Disorders?

Some people say that people with Personality Disorders have Character Flaws.

Can a person have a Character Flaw and NOT have a Personality Disorder?

What do Character Flaws and Personality Disorders sometimes lead to -- DV - Wise?

How can one prevent being 

Using Children as a Form of Domestic Violence During a Relationship; and/or Parental Alienation as a Form of DV After the Intimate Relationship is Over

DRAFT In PROGRESS -- 

PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY

  Surely, any one of the forms of Domestic Violence as depicted on the various Power and Control Wheels can negatively impact children.  As sad as it is to admit; unfortunately, children are all too frequently exposed to these various forms of Power and Control.  

  Ideally, Responsible Parenting is what happens in a Healthy Family, even during difficult times; where the parents use the principles of Equality; rather than Power and Control when dealing with others.  In such families, the adults in the couple and the children tend to experience Non Threatening Behavior, Respect, Trust and Support, Honesty and Accountability, Responsible Parenting, Shared Responsibility, Economic Partnership, and Negotiation and Fairness.

 Obviously, this is better for the children, than to be raised in a Family where the Parents are frequently being disrespectful toward each other.  And this would be the ideal.  However, it does not always work out that way.  Not every couple is ready to share an Honorable Relationship;  

  Surely, anyone can see how each of the following Tactics could harm children; even if the target of the attack is the Mother or Father of these children; rather than the children themselves.  Using Children has been well-documented as a form of Domestic Violence.  For Male and Female Offenders, according to the Duluth Power and Control Wheel, Using Children includes the following types of abuse or tactics, which include:

• Making her or him feel guilty about the children.
• Using the children to relay messages.
• Using visitation to harass her or him.
• Threatening to take the children away.

  When looking over basic forms of Domestic Violence -- in addition to the segment on "Using Children" -- one can imagine there are plenty of opportunities to drag the children into the conflict(s) between their parents -- whether they are still together or separated.  Just look at this list and imagine what might happen to a child if one is doing this to their partner -- the mother or the father of a given child.  How is that child going to be impacted if this is happening to one or both of her or his parents?

• If one partner is Using Intimidation against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Emotional Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Isolation against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Minimizing, Denying and Blaming against the other partner
• If one partner is Using Children against the other partner,
• If one partner is Using Economic Abuse against the other partner, 
• If one partner is Using Male (or Female) Privilege against the other partner, and / or
• If one partner is Using Coercion and Threats against the other partner.

  Please listen to this Explanation about "Using Children" from the Duluth Model Power and Control Wheel Domestic Violence Intervention Programs.

VIDEO: Impact of Domestic Violence on Children

How does DV Impact Babies Children & Young People

  How might this type of abuse impact the children?  “Studies show that living with domestic violence can cause various problems for children growing up, including physical and emotional harm in the following ways:

• ongoing anxiety and depression
• emotional distress
• eating and sleeping disturbances
• physical symptoms, such as headaches and stomach aches
• finding it hard to manage stress
• low self-esteem
• self-harm
• being aggressive towards friends and school mates
• feeling guilt or blame themselves for the violence
• having trouble forming positive relationships
• developing phobias and insomnia
• struggling with going to school and doing school work
• using bullying behavior or becoming a target of bullying
• difficulty concentrating
• finding it hard to solve problems
• having less empathy and caring for others (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children). 

  

Additionally, “Young people exposed to domestic and family violence are:

• more likely to suffer from depression
• more likely to be homeless
• more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol
• more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors, and/or
• more likely to experience or use violence and be controlling and manipulative in relationships (https://www.facs.nsw.gov.au/domestic-violence/about/effects-of-dv-on-children).

Discussion: 

  Think about this for a moment: What do children learn under such circumstances?  What do you think?

  What is it like for a child to live in a home where there is Domestic Violence; even while their parents are actually still together?  

So How Does This Possibly Change After Abusive Parents Separate or Divorce?

  In some cases, Separation or Divorce is a good thing.  But in others, it doesn't always turn out to be good for the children.  More specific to the topic of Using Children and Parental Alienation, we take a look at this modified Duluth Power and Control Wheel that focuses on "Post-Separation" and emphasizes how children can be used during this period as weapons by one parent; against the other parent.  

  This particular Duluth Wheel is titled, "Post Separation Power and Control Wheel".  According to the "Post-Separation" wheel, the various types of Abuse -- as a continuation of Post-Separation Domestic Violence -- tend to also involve the Children, and they can include: 

• Using Harassment & Intimidation against the Ex-partner, 
• Undermining Her / His Ability to Parent, 
• Discrediting Her as a Mother / or / Him as a Father, 
• Withholding Financial Support for the Children, 
• Endangering the Children, 
• Disregarding the Children, 
• Disrupting Her / His Relationship with Her / His Children, and
• Using Physical & Sexual Violence Against the Mother / or / the Father & Children.

  This can happen within the context of Separation from the Abuser in a relationship where there has been: "Prior physical and sexual violence, coercive and controlling behavior against mother / father and children" (Source.).  And it can also happen as a byproduct of Separation or Divorce in cases where there has been no prior abuse of any kind.  

  Unfortunately, when a couple with children separate, the children sometimes get involved in and/or are impacted by the process in a very unhealthy way -- if not a dangerous way.  

What Is Parental Alienation and How Does It Relate? 

  One type of DV not specifically listed on the Duluth Power and Control Wheels is "Parental Alienation".  Parental Alienation however is somewhat alluded to on the Power and Control Wheels in the areas where they talk about using children, as well as in some of the other areas.

   In answering the question: What is Parental alienation?  Jennifer Harman (2016) wrote: "Parental Alienation involves behaviors that a parent does to hurt or damage a relationship between a child and the other parent" (Source.).  To that, she added: "Parental Alienation Syndrome, on the other hand, was coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1985 and describes the ultimate outcome or impact of those behaviors on a child (Source.)."

  SIDE NOTE: The term “parental alienation” is not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM, which is a manual that offers a common language and standard criteria that mental health providers use to classify mental disorders). However, “child affected by parental relationship distress (CAPRD)” is a term that has been added to the most recent edition of the DSM, the DSM-5. CAPRD includes parental alienating behaviors such as badmouthing a parent to a child. And several of the manual’s authors have clarified CAPRD to include an entire range of parental alienating behaviors and outcomes." (Source.).

Parental Alienation Video #1. 

Parental Alienation Video, Susan Shofer.

Parental Alienation -- Evidence-Based Science.

Parental Alienation -- The Four-Factor Model.

Parental Alienation Video #2.

Parental Alienation Ted Talk, Jennifer Harman.

What are some Signs that Parental Alienation may be taking place:

  Are you or your ex-partner an alienator, alienating the other parent?  If so, here are some signs that indicate that Parental Alienation is happening:

• "An alienator might divulge unnecessary relational details — for example, instances of affairs — to a child. This can certainly make the child feel alienated themselves, as well as angry at (and feeling personally hurt by) something that was really between mom and dad.
• An alienator may prevent a child from seeing or talking to the other parent, while saying that the alienated is busy/occupied/uninterested in the child.
• An alienator may insist the child’s personal items all be kept at the alienator’s house, regardless of how much time the kid spends with the other parent.
• An alienator might plan tempting activities during the other parent’s custody. For example, “You’re supposed to be at your dad’s this weekend, but I was thinking it’s the perfect weekend to invite your friends to a sleepover here for your birthday this month. What would you like to do?”
• Related to the above, an alienator might frequently bend or break custody guidelines, arranged inside or outside of court. On the flip side, an alienator may also refuse to compromise on a custody agreement. For example, if mom’s birthday falls on a day when dad has custody and dad is an alienator, he may rigidly refuse to let the kid go to mom’s birthday dinner when mom asks.
• Secrecy may become rampant. There are several ways this can happen: The alienator may keep medical records, report cards, information about the child’s friends, and more all under wraps. This can alienate the child from the other parent because let’s face it — if one parent knows all your friends, likes, and activities, that’s the parent you’ll want to talk to.
• And related to secrecy, gossip may become rampant. The alienator may ask the child about the alienated parent’s personal life and more. This can then become a subject of gossip. Oh, your dad has a new girlfriend? What’s she like? Wonder how long it will last. He had four girlfriends the year you were in kindergarten and we were still married, you know.
• The alienator may become controlling when it comes to the child’s relationship with the other parent. For example, the alienator could try to monitor all phone calls, text messages, or interactions.
• The alienator may actively compare the other parent to a new partner. This could take the form of the child hearing that their stepmom loves them more than their mom. A child might even be told that their stepparent will adopt them and give them a new last name”  (Source.).

Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome: 

   When Gardner talked about PAS, he identified eight “symptoms” (or criteria) for it.  These include:

• The child constantly and unfairly criticizes the alienated parent (sometimes called a “campaign of denigration”).
• The child doesn’t have any strong evidence, specific examples, or justifications for the criticisms — or only has false reasoning.
• The child’s feelings about the alienated parent aren’t mixed — they’re (just) all negative, with no redeeming qualities to be found. This is sometimes called “lack of ambivalence.”
• The child claims the criticisms are all their own conclusions and based on their own independent thinking. (In reality, in PA, the alienating parent is said to “program” the child with these ideas.)
• The child has unwavering support for the alienator.
• The child doesn’t feel guilty about mistreating or hating the alienated parent.
• The child uses terms and phrases that seem borrowed from adult language when referring to situations that never happened or happened before the child’s memory.
• The child’s feelings of hatred toward the alienated parent expand to include other family members related to that parent (for example, grandparents or cousins on that side of the family).

Gardner later added that to be diagnosed with PAS, the child should have a strong bond with the alienator and previously have had a strong bond with the alienated. He also said the child should show negative behaviors when with the alienated parent and have difficulty with custody transitions” (https://www.healthline.com/health/childrens-health/parental-alienation-syndrome#signs-and-symptoms).

  These are just some of the forms parental alienation may take. Be aware that PAS is a tricky thing to use in legal contexts when it comes to custody agreements, because it’s hard to prove. Ironically, it’s in custody disputes that PAS comes up the most.

 

How does Parental Alienation impact children?

  Besides the harms done to children in Violent homes, as noted above; there are additional harms that can happen, once a couple breaks up.  Parental Alienation tends to cause harm to children.  

Side Note: "To elaborate on the clinical presentations of CAPRD, four common scenarios are described in more detail,  Children may react to parental intimate partner distress; Children may react to parental intimate partner violence; Children may react to acrimonious divorce; and Children may react to unfair disparagement of one parent by another." 

  Reactions of the child may include:

• The onset or exacerbation of psychological symptoms, 
• Somatic complaints, 
• An internal loyalty conflict, and, 
• In the extreme, parental alienation, can lead to loss of a parent–child relationship. 

Side Note: Results Since the definition of CAPRD in the DSM-5 consists of only one sentence, the authors propose an expanded explanation, clarifying that children may develop various problems as listed below.

Children may also develop problems in areas such as:

• behavioral, 
• cognitive, 
• affective, and 
• physical symptoms when they experience varying degrees of parental relationship distress, that is, intimate partner distress and intimate partner violence, which are defined with more specificity and reliability in the DSM-5." (Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.).

 Other scholars say that parental alienation affects the kids in still other ways.  For example: 

"One 2016 study surveyed 109 college-aged individuals and found a significant link between the behaviors of alienating parents and the behaviors of those who had been alienated. In other words, children who are subject to a parental alienation situation may grow up to behave in much the same way as the alienator."

Children who are alienated from one parent may:

• Experience increased anger
• Have heightened feelings of neglect (or even have their basic needs actually neglected while being caught in the middle of their parents’ fight)
• Learn a destructive pattern that they pass on to others
• Take on a skewed view of reality and become prone to lying about others
• Become combative with others due to learning an “us vs. them” mentality
• See things as very “black and white”
• Lack empathy

  "(What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019 ).

What Can You Do About Parental Alienation?

Trying to parent a child who has been conditioned into believing you’re bad or worse is challenging. What do you do when your child appears to hate you, or refuses to see you? Here are five ways that Targeted Parents can reconnect with their kids.

• Address lies and bad-mouthing.
• Encourage your child to speak to you directly.
• Manage your emotional reactivity.
• Continue reaching out.
• Be patient (Source.  https://www.weinbergerlawgroup.com/blog/newjersey-child-parenting-issues/overcoming-parental-alienation/).

Other suggestions -- for when you are able to visit with your child -- include: 

"Listen to your child. Have a time and space that is safe for your child to vent. This is commonly done at bedtime when a child is relaxed and perhaps more reflective. Listen openly to your child without comment, judgment, emotional reaction, or questioning. Just listen. Absorb what your child is saying and respond with empathy only. No solutions. No punishment. No pressure.

This works because it is the counter to parental alienation. Remember in order for alienation to be effective, there is a constant barrage of misinformation, manipulation, and pressure. Creating a no-pressure-safe-zone helps your child to decompress.

Play with your child. Have structured times of unstructured play in which you as the parent participate. During this time, the child is in charge of everything: what to play, how to play it, and the duration. Play therapist has used this technique for some time to discover a child's hidden thoughts, emotions, and traumas/experiences.

This technique puts the child in the drivers seat which is very different from the home in which the alienation is occurring. Again, it is the anti-alienation environment that provides healing, awareness, and insight.

Be patient with your child. At your house, your child should be free from questions or comments about the other household. In trying to find out about the alienation, some parents border on unintentional alienation. Don't do this. Let your child come to you, offer empathy, show love, and express your concern but don't talk bad about the other parent. If your child shows you anger, show them support and compassion. Some times a child releases the negative emotions in a space they feel is safe and not in the space that is causing the frustration.

Patience with your child might need to last longer than a couple of days, it might turn into a couple of years. Regardless of how long it takes, show unconditional love whenever they return. Remember, you are the adult. Their child-like behavior is age-appropriate.

Parenting in a divorce situation is hard enough without all of the drama that comes with parental alienation. Keep the drama in your household to a minimum so your child can rest, heal, and recoup before they return to the hostile environment."  (https://psychcentral.com/pro/exhausted-woman/2019/08/how-to-counteract-parental-alienation#4).

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Special Notes Related to Parental Alienation:

 CAPRD, like other relational problems, provides a way to define key relationship patterns that appear to lead to or exacerbate adverse mental health outcomes. It deserves the attention of clinicians who work with youth, as well as researchers assessing environmental inputs to common mental health problems." (From: Child Affected by Parental Relationship Distress.  William Bernet et al. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2016 Jul. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27343884/  ).

Sources: 

Bernet, William, John's Hopkins.

https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Using-Children-Wheel.pdf

(Source.).

What Is Parental Alienation Syndrome?Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by the Healthline Editorial Team on December 5, 2019