What Good are Shame, Blame and Guilt to the Success of a Relationship?

 <<< THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT REPOST< COPY or PRINT or SHARE. >>>

  Today I'd like to talk about how shame blaming guilt are often a part of domestic violence and in fact Shame blaming guilt may play multiple roles in domestic violence.  

"Shame vs. Guilt | The Difference That Changes Everything | Brené Brown Motivation" 

  https://youtu.be/k4i60xcrIvQ?si=oYKWsFKjxYTF_WZd 

"Why Blame Is So Corrosive to Love (And What To Do Instead)"

   https://youtu.be/ZCqSiaQGGCo?si=7IZvU5vNP8Q5RG5T 

"Expand Your Mind: Transforming Blame and Guilt with Mindfulness"

   https://youtube.com/watch?v=2kzIdQiJNeM&feature=shared 

  On one hand I believe Shane blaming guilt sometimes play roles in creating domestic violence on another hand I believe shame Layman Gill often play roles and justifying domestic violence for the offender or perpetrator as well as for the victim.

  Finally I finally I want to share that I think that Shane blame me guilt sometimes create a sense of a cycle of domestic violence because Shane blame and guilt can be attract it can create a situation where thinking is not the kind of thinking that can help us get away from something like this whether we are the victim or the perpetrator or both.

  How might this work well Shane blaming guilt I think if there is a relationship that's on the rocks or a relationship that where one or both people are just not quite ready for a relationship in a sense of say one of them is always eyeing another other possible mates and then the other one is always jealous or both of them are jealous all the time and both of them are eyeing other possible mates or maybe both of them are just jealous and nobody's thinking about another mate but they continue to ruin their relationship by thinking the other one is cheating

  Now let's take that let's take that apart in terms of Shane blaming guilt I mean if somebody really believes somebody else is cheating are they not trying to essentially blame the other person for problems in the relationship are they not potentially going to be shaming the other person and maybe thinking of the other person in ways that are not exactly loving cuz you got to remember love is about the willingness and the ability to accept somebody the way they are right now and in the future and going forward I love is not the willingness to reject somebody the way they are because you feel they should be blamed shamed and they should feel guilty. Love is that willingness and ability to accept them the way they are.

  Even if even it's the way they are is cheating or whatever you want to call it infidelity. I love Mike surpass it on the other hand one could love somebody and say hey that's it I can't do this anymore I feel like this is not the kind of relationship I want to have I don't want to have an open relationship I want to have a committed exclusive relationship with you and so this doesn't work if we get and when we get to the point where where one or both of us are seeing other people in the same time it just doesn't work for me and so I wish you the best and I I think I do love you cuz I really would accept you the way they are however just doesn't work for me.

  On the other hand on the other hand if I just decide instead to go for the other person's throat make them feel blamed and shamed and make them so guilty and really try to make them feel awful and try to hurt them physically or even emotionally or financially sue them or take the kids away from them or whatever I decide to do because I believe they cheated on me or whatever then I'm essentially blaming them for the end of the relationship I'm blaming them for all the things and all the reasons that they end up doing whatever they do instead of owning my part and then next to you know because I can blame them for things in my mind I've rationalize that to where it makes sense to me because of that I'm able then to justify treating them like crap and that's not going to work that's not healthy at all that doesn't work even if I'm Obsession And discussing with a relationship and how it's working out it's probably best if I am able to part on good terms rather than parting in a violent way cuz after all that's probably how most of Mystic violence defenses happen is when somebody's parking in a very negative and offensive way and next thing you know somebody has agreements and somebody decides they'll take that grievance to the local police and tell the local police and the other person is being abusive whether or not they're being abusive actually is beside the point because sometimes all it takes is a complaint of abuse for somebody to get arrested.

Therefore as a way of preventing domestic violence or is a way of at least preventing getting arrested or preventing having your partner arrested or anything if domestic wise it's best to try and find ways around shame find ways around blame and find ways around guilt that way that way you don't feel ashamed too much even though we all make mistakes we all make bad decisions we've all done bad things I bet you anything but the thing is feeling ashamed about it isn't going to fix it what's probably best if I want to fix it is to fix it rather than feeling ashamed about it.

  Additionally if I additionally if I feel like I need to blame somebody for what I'm doing then I'm not taking accountability and accountability has been since the very beginning of domestic violence treatment accountability has been the number one thing that that the authorities have wanted everybody to accept the judges and the prosecutors and the victims have wanted whoever was being held up and prosecuted for domestic violence they wanted them to take accountability for their behaviors and their actions and they're thinking that way they could change the way they behave the way they act in the way they think and so if I want to change for the better I need to take accountability and accountability is the opposite of blame even if the other person is guilty of something so what that does not give me an excuse for what I do it really doesn't the United States Constitution does not work that way accepting cases of immediate self-defense from imminent harm and that would have to be very serious physical harm versus any other kind of harm much less more or less at least.

  Finally guilt to something that comes along sometimes before everything happens in the whip comes down and the whole thing changes and somebody gets arrested guilt off and comes around afterwards the person who gets arrested is supposed to plead guilty if they are guilty and the other person maybe wanting that person to please guilty in order for the victim to feel like they can heal. Guilt is also something we just throw around in relationships a lot of times and it basically ruins a relationship because if I'm always trying to make my wife or my partner feel guilty then I'm really not in love with him I'm not loving them that stop love how can I make somebody feel guilty at the same time that I quote unquote love them yes sometimes I might be a really angry about something I might point out but if I don't point it out with love if I don't point it out in such a way that look I accept you and I love you just the way you are however that one thing there man that did not help at all maybe I could do that but on the other hand sometimes just even doing that is not only a waste of time but it causes more damage. Because ultimately guilt only really works it's a person who is done harm realizes the guilt themselves and believes hey man I've made a bad thing I did something wrong I made a bad decision I shouldn't have done that I'm sorry I hurt you and all that kind of stuff but if somebody else who drives amen you're guilty you're bad you should be shamed and blamed and you should be guilty all your life let me put a big cheat on your forehead well that's not going to work out that usually doesn't really help until the person accepts what's going on and that's often why people send why the authority send people to DV treatment so that we can help people understand why the judge and why the prosecutor and maybe why the victim or their family believe that the perpetrator or the offender or the other person's relationship is guilty of domestic violence.

  Now is there a way around this probably surely there are some ways around Shane blamingo there are alternatives if I want to make somebody feel ashamed I don't necessarily have to shame them I don't even necessarily have to point out what they did I don't even have to take pictures or do video or audio recordings of what they did actually that's a great way to destroy your relationship it's best if I help them understand hey when you do that it kind of hurts my feelings and and I don't know why you're doing I wish you wouldn't do it cuz it does hurt my feelings that's

  Are blame how about instead of blaming somebody for what I'm doing how about if I Own 100% of what I do and that will give them room to start owning 100% of what they do and then if it doesn't work together at that point maybe I'm in the wrong relationship if I'm kind of guy takes 100% of the credit or the fault for what I do the blame for what I do and I'm with somebody who doesn't take any accountability or blame for what they do well maybe that's a mismatch maybe that's not going to be the best relationship anyway so maybe it's time to move on

  And and finally guilt yeah I might feel guilty about something yeah I might or might not talk about it but I might deal with it such a way that prevents me having to feel guilty about any more because maybe I do work on it in such a way that it helps me to where I can not only heal the Old Wounds that I've created through whatever I was thinking or doing or saying or feeling but I also maybe in preventing it in the future well isn't that the best thing a person can do with guilt is prevent it for the future.?

  So in the final the final word is Shane blaming guilt those are things we each own those are things that we have in our own heart and mind we don't need to spread them around we really don't if you want to ruin relationships then go ahead and tell them how ashamed they should feel if you really want to ruin a relationship going playing them for everything blame them for ruining the relationship and if you want to ruin yourself and relationship in the same time going to feel guilty about everything in the world yeah I need to own some things I've done in my life but only it is something I can do in private I don't necessarily have to tell the whole world even in AA when you get a sponsor it says hey you know maybe you need to work on your your sense of guilt about something but you know you need to tell one other person maybe you don't necessarily have to go until the whole meeting what you did. And you certainly don't need to tell somebody else they should feel guilty. Yeah maybe they hurt you and maybe the court is decided to tell them they're guilty but looks like the court do that instead of me doing that because if I do that then I'm basically getting to where well that we'll never have any kind of relationship again that's for sure and I will have a little bit more trouble taking my accountability maybe because all I've done so far is put the whole thing on them so they get prosecuted. At the same time there are some crimes that people definitely need to be prosecuted for but why not let the prosecutor do that rather than me?

Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence

Why are we Talking About Financial Responsibility, Financial Abuse, Economic Abuse and Domestic Violence Right Here and Now?  

Updated October 9th, 2026

  Well, it's complicated.  Perhaps the first question to be answered here could be: What does the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board (D.V.O.M.B.) say about Financial Abuse and Economic Abuse?  The D.V.O.M.B. requires that this type of Abuse be included in the Treatment of people who have committed Domestic Violence Offenses.  This is probably because some Research has reported that among couples where Domestic Violence has occurred; about 98% have also included Economic Abuse.

  Additionally, the D.V.O.M.B. also has something to say about people with DV Offenses paying for their own Treatment:

• "The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's Standards and
  Guidelines for Domestic Violence  Offenders states the following:
• "Section 5.04, 2, B, Item 9, says: "The offender paying for his/her own evaluation and treatment is an indicator of responsibility and shall be incorporated in the treatment plan..."

  This means that in keeping with the D.V.O.M.B. Standards, if a DV Client does not have a Voucher from Probation; she or he must pay their Domestic Violence Treatment Provider for the services provided.  This also means that a DV Treatment Provider cannot and will not successfully discharge any DV Client who has an outstanding Balance.

  Hence, this week's session is about respecting Financial and Economic boundaries in all kinds of relationships from personal Intimate Relationships, to friendships to professional relationships and yes even in treatment relationships.

 

Why is Financial Responsibility important in Domestic Violence Offender Treatment? 

  Clearly, The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado feels that Paying for Treatment is somehow germane to, or related to positive Treatment Outcomes.  If nothing else, paying for Treatment indicates that a client has a really good attitude about their treatment. It also indicates that a client values what he or she is learning in treatment.  Finally, paying for Treatment is a good indication of positive change.

  This is also important because Domestic Violence offenses are largely about people not respecting their partner and or not respecting themselves. And in many cases both of the partners are not respecting each other or themselves either.  Without Respect, Relationships typically break apart.  Relationships need a lot of Respect in order to Survive and Thrive.

What do Boundaries Have to do with Domestic Violence; Much Less Economic or Financial Abuse?

  One of the most important parts of learning how to have more respect in relationships is that of recognizing all the different ways that boundaries were being disrespected during a relationship. And then also recognizing ways one can start respecting boundaries in a relationship.

  What are some of the boundary types that are sometimes disrespected -- either openly or even covertly -- in abusive relationships? 

• Social / Reputational Boundaries,
• Emotional Boundaries,
• Intellectual Boundaries,
• Spiritual Boundaries,
• Privacy Boundaries, 
• Sexual Boundaries,
• Familial Boundaries,
• Procreational Boundaries,
• Friendship Boundaries,
• Educational Boundaries,
• Vocational Boundaries,
• Digital Boundaries, and  
• Financial or Economic Boundaries.

   Today, we are discussing Financial and Economic Boundaries.

What Does It Mean To Be Financially Responsible?

  Being financially responsible means you have a process for managing your money that is productive and in your best interest overall. A cornerstone of financial responsibility is saving to protect yourself and the things you have. Here’s a look at a few other behaviors of a financially responsible person:

• Understands their costs and income, budgeting to ensure all their expenses are covered
• Saves money for the unexpected costs that will pop up sooner or later along with future items and experiences
• Has a healthy attitude toward money, taking a long-term view and living within their means
• Pay bills on time
• Manages credit responsibly and looks for ways to cut costs
• Shops around when making any financial decision to ensure they are getting the most value on expenses
• Pursues proactive financial education, both understanding basic financial concepts and financial products
• Has a written strategy, often created by working with a financial professional"(Source.)

 

What is domestic violence? / What is domestic abuse?

  “We define domestic abuse as an incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening, degrading and violent behaviour, including sexual violence, in the majority of cases by a partner or ex-partner, but also by a family member or carer. It is very common. In the vast majority of cases it is experienced by women and is perpetrated by men.

Domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following:

• Coercive control (a pattern of intimidation, degradation, isolation and control with the use or threat of physical or sexual violence)
• Psychological and/or emotional abuse [2]
• Physical or sexual abuse
• Financial or economic abuse
• Harassment and stalking
• Online or digital abuse" (Source.)

• Others might include: 
• Property Abuse
• Child Abuse
• Pet or Animal Abuse 
• Emotional Abuse

 

How are Finances and Domestic Violence Sometimes Connected?

  "When domestic violence becomes a national conversation, it’s often only after the curtain is pulled back on an otherwise respected, high-profile celebrity. The ensuing uproar makes headlines for a few days, maybe weeks, and then fades back into news-cycle obscurity. But for the millions of victims of domestic abuse—more than one in four women in the U.S., according to the Department of Justice—these headlines ignore a less-visible, longer-lasting damage wrought by their abusers: financial abuse.

  By blocking or controlling access to financial assets, abusers can coerce their victims into staying with them or coming back if they try to leave, locking them into a cycle of abuse. In fact, “lacking financial knowledge or resources is the number one indicator of whether a domestic violence victim will stay, leave, or return to an abusive relationship,” according to the Allstate Foundation’s Purple Purse, a fundraising and public awareness campaign.”

  “Financial abuse, whether you’re talking about ruining her credit, getting her fired or hiding the money, is just as effective in controlling an abuse victim as a lock and key,” Kim Gandy, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, told The Huffington Post.

  Financial abuse is insidious: It can first appear as a considerate offer to take care of the bills, or a casual request to borrow money. But it escalates until the abuser has full control of every bank account, credit card, and paycheck, which means that even if victims escape, they could have no way to rent a new apartment, find a job, or care for their children.

  Unfortunately, it seems that while the majority of abusers have discovered that truth, the rest of society has yet to catch up. A 2014 survey commissioned by the Allstate Foundation found that while 98 percent of domestic-violence victims also experienced financial abuse, 78 percent of Americans had not heard about financial abuse as it relates to domestic violence."  (Source.)

 

What is Financial Abuse?

  "Research indicates that financial abuse occurs in 99% of domestic violence cases. Surveys of survivors reflect that concerns over their ability to provide financially for themselves and their children was one of the top reasons for staying in or returning to an abusive partner."  (Source.)

  "Financial abuse is an aspect of ‘coercive control’ – a pattern of controlling, threatening and degrading behaviour that restricts a victims’ freedom.

  It’s important to understand that financial abuse seldom happens in isolation: in most cases perpetrators use other abusive behaviours to threaten and reinforce the financial abuse.

  Financial abuse involves a perpetrator using or misusing money which limits and controls their partner’s current and future actions and their freedom of choice. It can include using credit cards without permission, putting contractual obligations in their partner’s name, and gambling with family assets. [1]

  Financial abuse can leave women with no money for basic essentials such as food and clothing. It can leave them without access to their own bank accounts, with no access to any independent income and with debts that have been built up by abusive partners set against their names. Even when a survivor has left the home, financial control can still be exerted by the abuser with regard to child maintenance.

  Sadly the vast majority of survivors experience financial abuse at some point."(Source.)

 

Financial abuse might come in different forms including:

  "These are some common forms of financial abuse—and resources to help protect or recover from it.

• The Abuser “Takes Care” of the Finances. ...
• Employment Sabotage. ...
• Economic Exploitation.  (Source.)

 

What is economic abuse?

  "Economic abuse is a situation in which someone harms another person in a close relationship using money or property, for example by controlling how they are able to get or spend money, or preventing them being able to buy things that they need:

With economic abuse, money becomes a way to control the victim.

Economic abuse can also include restricting access to essential resources such as food, clothing, or transport."  (Source.)

 

How might economic abuse impact the victim of domestic violence?

•   Would the victim of domestic violence have their own car?
•   If a person doesn't have their own car are they able to get away from an abuser?
•   What a victim of domestic violence have their own lease or their own property?
•   If a person doesn't have their own property,
•   How would they get away from an abuser?
•   What happens to the children when a victim of domestic violence is trying to take care of the children but it has zero Financial Resources?

 

Ways One Might Overcome Financial Abuse or Economic Abuse in a Relationship: What is shared responsibility?

  From "Stop Playing the Blame Game and Take Responsibility in Your Relationship, by Katie Christy, Wtiters' Corps" we find some wise words about Why Taking Responsibility is Important? 

  "Taking ownership and responsibility for your actions is an important part of healthy relationships. Doing so is an empowering reminder that you have control over the role you play in your relationship. Taking responsibility creates trust and dependability.  When you take responsibility for your behaviors, you demonstrate to your partner your willingness to be honest and vulnerable, which in turns encourages your partner to be open and authentic with you."

  "For you, taking responsibility looks like practicing self-awareness. Another way is being able to apologize and accept that what you do affects your partner. For your partner, taking responsibility looks like having open communication with you about their feelings and being willing to admit they can grow from the hard parts of the relationship. Your partner learns to take responsibility when they own their behaviors and hold themselves accountable to their actions."  (Source.)

 

Economic partnership, Shared Responsibility and Negotiation and fairness. 

  The Equality Wheel from Duluth suggests that healthier relationships often have properties such as partners who practice:

• Shared Responsibility
• Economic Partnership
• Negotiation and Fairness
• Responsible Parenting
• Respect
• Accountability and Trust
• Equality

Some Ideas on Improving Your Partnership-Ability in your Relationship:

  "Certain behaviors make a difference in relationship happiness. These maintenance behaviors often come naturally, but intentional efforts to engage in them could benefit relationships. Research (Stafford, 2010) underscores the power of these seven behaviors in particular in predicting relationship satisfaction, liking, love, and commitment:

• Positivity. Express happiness and pleasure when spending time together.
• Understanding. Listen, forgive, apologize, and refrain from judgment.
• Giving assurance. Talk about the future; remind your partner what he/she means to you.
• Self-disclosing. Share feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.
• Openness. Share what you need or want in the relationship.
• Sharing tasks. Equitably share responsibilities (e.g., family, household, relationship).
• Involve networks. Spend time with your partner’s friends and family."(Source.)

So What Was That About the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado and Paying for Treatment?

  Seriously consider the following Questions and you should be able to come up with some answers:

• Why does the domestic violence offender management Board of Colorado require that clients and domestic violence offender treatment be responsible for paying for their own treatment?
• What are some of the reasons why a client in domestic violence treatment wouldn't want to pay for their treatment?
• If a client in domestic violence offender treatment does not pay for his or her own treatment, what does that say about that person's emotional investment and putting domestic violence type Thinking,  Feeling Behavior behind him or her?

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE the Mandatory

Financial / Economic Abuse and Financial Responsibility Worksheet. ***

 $$$ Read More Here about how this could directly impact you $$$

 PLEASE CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE YOUR PAY-AS-YOU-GO Policy and Your Mandatory FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY in DV Treatment WORKSHEET

  If you have any questions about how to pay for DV Sessions, please Text Dr. B. at            719-671-7793 or email him at nepeht@gmail.com.  Thank you.

 

 >>> Always Keep In Mind: It's a whole lot easier on everyone if you just pay as you go.<<<

 

Sources:

https://www.usafrancefinancials.com/resource-center/money/money-matters-why-it-pays-to-be-financially-responsible

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://www.theatlantic.com/sponsored/allstate/how-money-traps-victims-of-domestic-violence/750/

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/#:~:text=Research%20indicates%20that%20financial%20abuse,returning%20to%20an%20abusive%20partner.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

https://www.forbes.com/2010/09/02/women-money-domestic-violence-forbes-woman-net-worth-personal-finance.html?sh=6fbf0c0e1047

https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/abuse

https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/stop-playing-the-blame-game-take-responsibility-in-your-relationship/#:~:text=Stop%20Playing%20the%20Blame%20Game%3A%20Take%20Responsibility%20in%20Your%20Relationship&text=Taking%20responsibility%20in%20your%20relationship%20is%20the%20acknowledgment%20and%20ownership,word%20you%20say%20and%20do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201501/7-simple-ways-you-can-become-better-partner

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

https://drbsdvpreventionandeducation.blogspot.com/2022/01/very-important-notice-about-paying-for.html?m=1

An Emerging Philosophy of Domestic Violence (DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY or PRINT).

--THIS IS A DRAFT POST--

-- PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE OR PRINT --

  What is a philosophy?  According to Wikipedia, A philosophy is: 

"Philosophy is defined as the systematic study of fundamental questions concerning existence, knowledge, values, reason, and language. The term originates from the Greek word "philosophia," meaning "love of wisdom."  Philosophy involves rational and methodical consideration of reality and human experience, emphasizing clarity and rigorous arguments. It addresses deep questions about the nature of ourselves and the world we live in, reflecting on its methods and assumptions."

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

  So What is My Philosophy of Domcstic Violence?

What is DV???

  A Philosophy is made up of questions about What something is -- Its disrespect, It's abuse, It's an emotion (it's got emotion all over it... From cause to impact.  A Violation of one's rights.  It's a really bad behavior; It's both a lack of control and a manifestation of an attempt to control others; or just a lack of control of our emotions and our behavior. In some places, DV is illegal.  In other places, it is encouraged.  

  Why it is what it is, Why is DV what it is as described above or elsewhere?  It's morally wrong.  In some places, it is wrong due to Civil Rights, Feminist Movement, and the evolution of American Law.  

  In other places, it might be encouraged or required due to religious, theocratic traditions.  

  What about Violence against Men?  

  A violation of Rights because -- Assault is real.  Harassment or False Imprisonment, and Menacing.

What does it mean -- For some it meant, "The man just has a lack of confidence."  Does it mean -- there's no love there?  Possibility...  Shame on you!  It probably means this relationship needs some work (at least), Possibly not real healthy... that could be the fault of either or both partners. Might mean that one or both partners are uneducated about what DV is.  

How it is made?  For some it's made of ignorance, for others, it's made of desparation and fear and anger, it's also sometimes made out of drunkeness and even stonedness and trippin Balls.  It's made from relationships taht are not based in Friendship.  It's made from hoodwinking.  

What it is made of, Disrespect, Impatience, Ignorance, Faulty relationships, Intolerance, Desparation, Anger, a sense of inequality, Toxicity.

Why does DV Exist?  Because some folks don't know any better.  Human nature to be violent, Jealous, Dominant, Controlling of others and/or of their own environemtns.

Why (DV Laws) exists, and WHy does DV exist?  As a set of laws To protect the victims and possible future victims, To protect children

Human nature, 

What it should be, and probably should be... What should DV Be?  Fair -- It should be judged equally in the legal arena; One and done -- if it happens, it should never happen again.  DV Should be some thing that is learned about and talked about at a much younger age and among all.  Should be taught in a preventive manner in school.

How one knows What it is to?  From education when/if it is possible.

 

  How does DV Happen: Can be a results a  misunderstanding,  

  How does one (or a couple) Prevent DV?  

, Why it is what it is, What it means, How it is made, What it is made of, Why it exists, and What it should be, and probably How one knows What it is to?

What Domestic Violence is, (Personal Definition versus Legal Definitions, versus Societal Definition).

What is the Meaning of Domestic Violence?  Happens within the home or  within the family.  And harm (physical, emotional or social)

Why Domestic Violence is what it is, (A. Reference -- The Violence Against Women Act.  -- B. Reference Biblical References to DV.)

Why Domestic Violence Exists, (Habit, Bad Parenting of the individuals involved, Learned Violence, Misinterpretations of scripture and other things, Anger Mgmnt. Issues, Addiction, Mental Illness, Impatience, Frustration, Because it can be addictive.  In some cases, Society Promotes it.

What is Domestic Violence is made of?  Power and Control, Anger, Bad History, Bad Choices, Physical Violence, Emotional Violence, Sexual Violence, Financial Violence, Social Violence, Digital Violence

How is Domestic Violence made? (The Ingredients), but how do the Ingredients come together?   First, perhaps, comes small talk, dating, attraction, affinity, lust, possessiveness,  Love, attachment, obsession, jealousy, betrayal, sense of loss, fear of loss, control, toxicity, violence, A form of Abandonment.

In a Moral Sense, what is Domestic Violence? It's wrong, It's inexcusable, It's destructive, It's harmful and harm is bad, I hurts innocent people, It's illegal, It is VERY difficult to justify in any given case, It can be a violation of a person, as well as it can be humiliating, embarrassing, It's a form of bullying, It can suck the life out of someone, 

How does one knows What Domestic Violence is?  How do you know DV when you see it?  When you see one person out of the relationship feeling intimidated or the other person controlling what they eat.  

How is DV Addicting?  When you see two people just constantly going at it for what seems to be no reason at all.

What Causes DV?  Insecurities, Mishandled Anger, A loss of control, Assumed Privilege, Selfishness, A lack of empathy or sympathy, A desire for Power or Control, 

How is DV Enabled -- But not caused?  It's helped along by a lack of Societal Protections, An abundance of Alcohol and other Drugs, A violence Culture (Bolstered by violence-infected mass media), Enabled by poor training among professionals, 

What are the Results of DV?  More DV, Jail, Court, Probation, Treatment, Divorce, Separation, Child Abuse, Depression, PTSD, Drug and Alcohol Abuse, Broken Homes, Poverty, 

What is DV In a Diverse sense?  Well, in Sharia Law -- it seems to be legal, It tends to mutate across cultures, It's passed down to children in some cases, 

What is the Nature of DV?  

So How do you know if it's DV?  Because they are hitting each other.  Or because they are burdening each other with some sort of real or threatened pain (physical, emotional, financial, sexual, social, digital pain).  

What Domestic Violence should be --It should be stopped, prevented, frowned upon, it should cease, 

What is the Human Experience of Domestic Violence?  At first, it was essentially ignored for thousands of years -- and certain cultures and religions addressed it; while others did not address it.  Different Groups, Societies, Cultures, Nations and Religions came up with with different ways of discouraging it o encouraging it, or addressing it, or preventing it.

What does DV look like?  "A couple that's always fighting."  It looks DV Classes.  It looks like Women's Shelters.  It looks like Childrens' Shelters.

Emotional Intelligence (The Feeler / or The Feeling-Thinker) -- For this person, DV might be: Expert at being Emotional Abuse.  And/or They would be very sensitive to Emotional Abuse.  (A feeling manipulator). 

Versus Intellectual Intelligence (The Thinker, The Reasoner versus)  -- For this person, DV might be: Manipulative (A thinking manipulator).  A person who is aware of their abuse.

Versus the Hands-On Intelligence (The Experiential Thinker/Feeling) -- For this person, DV might be: All-out hand-to-hand combat.

When writing a Philosophy of Something, the following topics should be covered (according to AI):

Defining the core concept, 

Exploring its fundamental principles, 

Examining its ethical implications, 

Analyzing its relationship to other concepts, 

Considering different perspectives on the subject, and 

Providing a reasoned argument for your own position on the matter; 

Essentially, using critical thinking to delve deep into the nature and meaning of a particular subject area. 

 What is the Nature of DV:

 What is th Meaning of DV:  

 

The Ontology of DV: 

"Ontology is the branch of philosophy that studies the nature of existence, being, and reality. It also examines the kinds and structures of objects, properties, events, processes, and relations. "

Ontology of Domestic Violence:

"Ontology, at its simplest, is the study of existence. But it is much more than that, too. Ontology is also the study of how we determine if things exist or not, as well as the classification of existence. It attempts to take things that are abstract and establish that they are, in fact, real."

Phenomenology of Domestic Violence:  

1 Descriptive phenomenology. ...

  How would you describe Domestic Violence?

2 Interpretive phenomenology. ...

"how people experience and make meaning of their lives"

3 Hermeneutic phenomenology. ...

"Hermeneutic phenomenological research is rested on the ground of the subjective knowledge. As a philosophy of knowledge applied in hermeneutic phenomenology the epistemology is grounded on the belief that knowledge making is possible through subjective experience and insights."

4 Narrative phenomenology. ...

"Narrative research involves interpreting stories to understand how people make sense of their experiences and perceptions."

The Epistemology of Domestic Violence: 

"Epistemology is the philosophical study of knowledge, or the theory of knowledge. It examines the nature of knowledge, how it's created, and what its limits are. Epistemology also explores how people should acquire beliefs, and which beliefs are valid. "

The Morality of Domestic Violence:  (Ethics: Investigates moral principles and what constitutes right conduct)

"morality is a system of ideas that helps determine what is right and wrong, or good and evil. It is a subjective concept that is part of the philosophical study of ethics, also known as moral philosophy. "

Logic: Examines correct reasoning and how to distinguish good arguments from bad ones. 

Metaphysics: Explores the most general features of reality, existence, and properties. 

Pragmatism and Domestic Violence: 

Pragmatism is a philosophical movement that emphasizes the practical usefulness of ideas, policies, and proposals. It originated in the United States in the late 19th century and was dominant in the country in the early 20th century. 

Pragmatism is based on the idea that: 

The truth of an ideology or proposition is determined by its practical success 

The meaning of a proposition is found in the practical consequences of accepting it 

Ideas should be practical and useful, and unpractical ideas should be rejected 

Action is more important than doctrine, and experience is more important than fixed principles 

Ideas are instruments and plans of action, and their meanings come from their consequences 

Pragmatism is often contrasted with idealism, which is based on high principles or ideals. Pragmatism is based on real-world conditions and what can realistically be done. 

The term "pragmatism" was first used in print in 1898 by William James in his address "Philosophical Conceptions and Practical Results". However, James claimed that his friend and compatriot C. S. Peirce coined the term almost 30 years earlier. 

Notable proponents of pragmatism include Charles Sanders Peirce, William James, and John Dewey. 

Aesthetics: Deals with the nature of beauty and artistic appreciation. 

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).