Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You? A Process Approach

NOTES>>> DRAFT >>> DO NOT DUPLICATE!  

  Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach

  One thing for certain: There are few things more natural than two Humans pairing off together... and doing what they do...  If nothing else, it keeps the species going.  And by the way, Animals do it too.. kind of...  (I think....)

  But unfortunately, for those who are not doing it...  That is pairing off together ---  it can feel empty, left out... rejected, neglected and down right out of place.

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence --  Now how the heck could those two things be related to each other...

  "Some people get into Domestic Violence situations on Valentine's Day because the other person is expecting special attention.. some affection, a gift, or maybe even flowers... and a CARD!....    But it doesn't always come through that way -- does it...  

  Otherwise, this day could turn into a fighting day and that could yield some DV.  Or if nothing else... it might become a good reason for someone to break up with someone else.

  This is a hard topic... it tends to stir up feelings.... Why?

Unrealized expectations...  ?

So what is so special about Valentine's Day? 

From the Article: “Violence and Valentine's Day: A brief reprieve from abuse.”

  “This Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a happy, loving, committed relationship or you are one of the many people who will be celebrating “Singles Awareness Day,” one of the things that you may be thankful for is a brief reprieve from domestic violence.

  Although there is anecdotal evidence that Valentine’s Day is connected to a spike in domestic abuse, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Valentine’s Day is actually one of three days where there is actually a slight decrease in reports of domestic violence (the other two are Thanksgiving and Christmas).

  This is a tiny bright spot within a very dark issue that usually only comes to light when a celebrity has been caught on tape abusing their partner or because someone who you have never heard of has been killed after years of abuse.

  Sadly, domestic violence is overwhelmingly common in the United States. Twenty people are physically abused by their partners every minute. Nearly 5 million women are victims of physical abuse by their partners every year and over 38 million women in the United States have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.”  (Source).  

How do you feel about Valentine's Day???

You say... Valentine's Day is Made Of what???  

  Love, Happiness, Candy.. Sweetness... Appreciation, Gratitude..  Gifts...  Recognition, Intimacy..... Sexual Intimacy.. Victoria's Secret makes a fortune on Valentine's Day....

  Or Valentine's day could be sad and lonely for a lot of people as well...

  Perhaps when these things happen.. and people experience painful rejection... loss.... fear... sadness...  Lots of pain.

  So perhaps all this could be avoided... if we each... just show a little kindness... 

  Being kind to the person you are with is not a bed thing.. Being extra nice to your children or family... and maybe even celebration of the relationships that you are gifted with.....  Or .. it could be celebrating a friendship... with anybody... or some other type of relationship.. such as the one that St. Valentine might have felt like when he chose NOT to deny his belief in Jesus which cost him his life...  (Maby Valentine's Day is about a Love that one cannot deny....)  For he was killed for refusing to give it up or renounce his love for Christ even under the penalty of death.....  

  On the other hand, some might think that Valentine's Day should be ignored, or minimized..

  One person even said, "I think Valentine's Day is Stupid!"

She continued, "There should not be just one day to dedicate or to get or to give chocolates... Rather it should be a consistent effort from both sides...  To me.. I like little things that are consistently done by each other to show their love for you..   Add a surprise just to make you happy or smile..  it should not be just ONE day out of the year and also it does not have to be EVERY day either."

So let's take a DEEPER DIVE -- What is the Origin of Valentine's Day:

  “The "Feast" (Latin: "in natali", lit.: on the birthday) of Saint Valentine originated in (what was called) Christendom and has been marked by the Western Church of Christendom in honour of one of the Christian martyrs named Valentine, as recorded in the 8th century Gelasian Sacramentary.” (Source).

Who was St. Valentine?

  “The very brief vita of St Valentine states that he was executed for refusing to deny Christ by the order of the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 269.” 

  “Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino; Latin: Valentinus) was a 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Western Christianity on February 14 and in Eastern Orthodoxy on July 6. From the High Middle Ages, his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love.  He is also a patron saint of Terni, epilepsy and beekeepers.[2][3] Saint Valentine was a clergyman – either a priest or a bishop – in the Roman Empire who ministered to persecuted Christians.[4] He was martyred and his body buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14, which has been observed as the Feast of Saint Valentine (Saint Valentine's Day) since at least the eighth century.[5]

  Relics of him were kept in the Church and Catacombs of San Valentino in Rome, which "remained an important pilgrim site throughout the Middle Ages until the relics of St. Valentine were transferred to the church of Santa Prassede during the pontificate of Nicholas IV".[6] His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome."  (Source.).

How did Valentine's Day start in the US."

"Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in the third century. The exact origins of the holiday are not clear, but it is believed to have originated as a Christian feast day to commemorate Saint Valentine."  (Source).....  

  What is the deeper meaning of Valentine's day?  (Could it be that The martyr Valentine who died for refusing to deny Christ... was basically like Christ reportedly loving the people and the Church for ever -  like a wife.).

The Deeper Deeper Meaning Behind Valentine's Day 

  "It is about sacrifice and devotion, love and honor, in the face of overwhelming and dangerous odds.  While making your Valentine's Day plans, remember St. Valentine who was willing to give his life in pursuit of love and marriage, and ask yourself if you would be willing to do the same for those you profess to love." (Source.).

"One is the Loneliest Number..."  Dealing with Valentine's Day as a Single person or a Non-Attached Person:  Let's Try A PROCESS APPROACH -- a good way to work through your feelings

  As noted above: Few things in human life are more natural than pairing off.

  Thus unfortunately, to some people, if a person is not paired off, there's something wrong with them...  Which is not always the case.

  So What's it like if you do not have anyone on Valentine's Day?  Do you Celebrate "Singles Appreciation Day"..

  Some people suggest: "Make February a Month about you... Give yourself things.. not everybody else...  (A time to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance). 

  Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in and the past.

Radical Acceptance Video: By Wackett 

Questions to Ponder: 

  What is One Little thing I could Change in my Life that might improve how I feel on Valentine's Day?  

  Have you ever considered Serenity.  

  What feelings does Valentine's Day bring up for you?

  Ever felt really sad or left out or like a Loser on Valentine's Day?

  Valentine's Day without my Valentine -- Seriously??? 

  What is it like to feel like there is someone out there who will never give up on you?

  Is there someone out there who you will never give up on?

  Isn't it nice when both people feel that way?

Let's go back a little bit:

  What are your Earliest MEMORIES OF Valentine's-Day?    

  Did they contain... Acceptance, Surprise, Rejection, Loneliness, or Sadness?  Or something else? 

  What might it be like Accepting My-Self on Valentine's Day... just the way I am?

  What do you plan to do for your partner or for yourself on this Coming Valentine's day?

Now: How Can I Move Forward?

  Perhaps, First: Accept where I am RIGHT NOW!  Re-asses my situation and myself.  Think of my Good Qualities.  Think positive.  Be open to the possibilities.  Problem solve.  Keep at it.  Whatever you do... Don't give up!

  If your feelings and emotions are getting the best of you, please watch this video about Emotional Regulation:

  Hey, Check this out this Article by Taryn Herlich!

 “Valentine’s Day and Abuse:  The Emotional Ties Between The Two”

“Valentine’s Day can be difficult  for survivors of domestic violence. Our society has marketed this day towards happy, healthy couples and for individuals who have faced abuse, it can make this day feel rather disheartening. Social media is often full of unrealistic presentations of happy couples and this can create feelings of unworthiness, provoking individuals to ponder their own decisions. When Valentine’s Day and abuse come together, the emotions can get complicated.

Moreover, many survivors who do leave an abusive relationship may face what’s known as Stockholm syndrome after abuse. This is essentially when you feel compassion for your abuser and struggle to get over the break-up as you still miss being with them. On Valentine’s Day, it can be extremely easy to fall into a cycle of reminiscing on the positive times you had with this person, because let’s face it, even an abusive relationship can have good days. That’s essentially what keeps survivors holding on. They hope one day this person will change, and focus on the fond memories they may have had at the beginning of the relationship. During a pandemic, it can be especially challenging, as there is little distraction to help dissipate these thoughts and in some cases, triggers.

 So, let’s find ways that Valentine’s Day can be a day full of self-love rather than sorrow. This day should be about admiring your inner strength, and celebrating you as a wonderful individual deserving of recognition.

1. Write a love letter to yourself

A personal love letter is a great way to reflect on life, and recognize all the qualities that make you special and unique. It’s similar to telling yourself positive affirmations which help re-frame negative self-talk. The more you tell yourself that you are worthy, kind, smart, and a good human being, the more your mind will believe it. One of the first steps to healing is self-love and a love letter to yourself is a great way to begin or continue the process. This article on Glamour has some amazing examples of letters survivors wrote to themselves.

2. Participate in self care

Why not make Valentine’s Day about treating yourself! Relax and do what makes you feel good. Self care can be as small as doing your makeup (something many people actually find therapeutic) to colouring, writing, taking a bath, going for a walk, speaking with your therapist, or even unplugging from social media.”

3. Be around those you love

We’re in difficult times as the pandemic is still present. However, if you live with friends or family that you like, try initiating a movie or dinner night, and have a fun day of celebrating the ones you love! This day isn’t only for celebrating romantic relationships. If possible, go on a socially distant outdoor walk with a friend to switch things up.

4. Take advantage of the day full of chocolate and bake something delicious

Baking is another act of self care and for many, is extremely relaxing and a great way to unwind and relieve stress. Not only are you creating something delicious but baking actually allows you to express creativity.

5. Call a helpline if you begin to have upsetting thoughts and feelings

There is no shame in calling a helpline on Valentine’s Day. If you need that extra bit of support right now, you should absolutely reach out and get it. Sometimes having someone who doesn’t know you, listen to your problems can be a great relief.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Remember, it’s okay if you feel certain upsetting emotions on Valentine’s Day. Your feelings are valid, and normal so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and quite frankly doing the best you can. In fact, just reading this article is such a wonderful step. You are loved, and so worthy.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, we recognize how challenging this day can be and how it can be even more difficult to leave on the days leading up to it. There is a pressure that Valentine’s Day will solve certain issues, and that with flowers, chocolate, perhaps a necklace, this day can be special and peaceful. We recognize that you may be holding onto those grand gestures, those moments of kindness, and that on this day your heart yearns for some form of love. The pressure of any holiday can make it harder to leave, especially the ones that are based on love. Know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. This is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are appreciated and loved. Please, seek support by involving a trusted family member or friend, and contact a hotline that can help guide you in leaving (we will have them listed below).  If you’re in immediate danger call 911."

(Resource Link For Helplines In Canada:   https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Sources:  https://www.allure.com/story/valentines-day-guide-for-domestic-violence-survivors"   (https://www.vestasit.com/valentines-day-and-abuse/).

Other Possible Solutions Could Be: 

What is Valentine's Day a Day of:

Have some Hope

Give someone a nice Card.. or even a Picture you drew..

a Watercolor you painted.. or a Poem you just wrote... Today!

Give Love

Share Warm Greetings

Keep on Wishing

Show Appreciation

Give people Happiness

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments;

About: Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in; as well as the past.)

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments; Emotional Regulation...

DBT Skills: Emotion Regulation and Calming Your Emotions

If experiencing uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions.

Identify and Name my emotions and tell myself it's okay to feel that way.  Or Acknowledge and Validate the emotions.

Manage and then learn ways to Regulate our Emotions. 

Discussion Questions:  

1.  What does Valentine's Day Mean to you?

2.  What would be the best Valentine's Day outcome for you?

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(c. William T. Beverly, Ph.D.).

Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

This is a DRAFT POSTING.   Please do not PRINT, do not COPY, and do not Re-Post.

Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

Assumption: If a relationship is Healthy there will not be any Domestic Violence -- 

What does a healthy relationship look like:

• "I don't think it exists"
• Communication
• Understanding
• Trust
• Faith in each other.  
• Takes two to work on it  
• Relationships need work (Understanding, Trust for sure, A desire to make it work)
• Both can be Right at the same time
• Possibly some Faith in God (Humility)
• If you find the right person, you can fall into it.  (When two people fit each other)
• Compromise
• Ability to overcome preconceptions - Ability let go of prejudices.
• Similar Values.
• Religious compatibility.
• Same wave-length.
• Honesty
• Respect
• Altruism / Charity / Ability and Willingness to do Good.
• Humility
• Willingness to Grow  (Focus Group ... In DV Groups)

How does DV contribute to Relationships Failing

"More than one-third of women and one in 12 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime , according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. Anyone would agree that’s too many. If you’re asking yourself what you can do to help, read on. Below, 10 steps you can take to help stop domestic violence in your community.

1. Know the signs. Domestic violence can happen to anyone—white, black, young, old, rich, poor, educated, not educated. Sometimes violence begins early on in a relationship and other times it takes months or even years to appear. But there generally are some warning signs. Be wary of the following red flags an abuser may exhibit at any point in a relationship:

• Being jealous of your friends or time spent away from your partner
• Discouraging you from spending time away from your partner
• Embarrassing or shaming you
• Controlling all financial decisions
• Making you feel guilty for all the problems in the relationship
• Preventing you from working
• Intentionally damaging your property
• Threatening violence against you, your pets or someone you love to gain compliance
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to
• Intimidating you physically, especially with weapons

2. Don’t ignore it. Police officers hear the same thing from witnesses again and again—I heard/saw/perceived domestic violence but didn’t want to get involved. If you hear your neighbors engaged in a violent situation, call the police. It could save a life.

3. Lend an ear. If someone ever confides in you they are experiencing domestic violence, listen without judgment. Believe what they are telling you and ask how you can help, or see this list of 25 ways to help a survivor.

4. Be available. If someone you know is thinking about leaving or is in fear the violence will escalate, be ready to help. Keep your phone with you and the ringer on, make sure you have gas in your car and discuss an escape plan or meeting place ahead of time.

5. Know the number to a nearby shelter. You never know who might need refuge in a hurry. Keep numbers to shelters (find local shelter numbers here) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in your phone (800-799-7233).

6. Check in regularly. If a loved one or friend is in danger, reach out regularly to ensure his or her safety.

7. Be a resource. Someone experiencing violence may not be able to research shelters, escape plans or set up necessities like bank accounts and cell phones while living with his or her abuser. Offer to do the legwork to help ease stress and keep things confidential. Here’s a list of items a survivor may need to take with them.

8. Write it down. Document every incident you witness and include the date, time, location, injuries and circumstances. This information could be very useful in later police reports and court cases, both criminal and civil.

9. Get the word out. Assist a local shelter or domestic violence organization in their efforts to raise awareness in your community. Or use your personal connections to start a grassroots campaign. Organize talks at your workplace wellness fair, HOA meetings and church groups.

10. Put your money where your mouth is. Use your power as a consumer and refuse to support the culture perpetuated in music, movies, television, games and the media that glorifies violence, particularly against women."

(Source).

For Prevention of DV -- Core Principles:

Healthy Relationship Tips: How to Have a Good Relationship.  Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and open communication, where both partners feel supported, safe, and equal. Key principles include setting healthy boundaries, embracing individuality while staying connected, and managing conflict through constructive, honest dialogue. Commitment to mutual growth and nurturing affection are essential for longevity. (Mark Manson)

Core Principles of a Healthy Relationship:

Mutual Respect: Partners value each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries without trying to control or change one another.

Trust and Safety: A secure environment where both individuals feel physically and emotionally safe, allowing for vulnerability without fear of retaliation or judgment.

Open Communication: Proactive, honest, and kind communication, including active listening and expressing needs directly rather than expecting partners to guess.

Equality and Compromise: Decision-making is shared, and both partners contribute equally to the relationship's maintenance and conflict resolution.

Independence and Individuality: Maintaining personal hobbies, friendships, and self-care routines outside of the relationship to avoid codependency.

Support and Empathy: Encouraging each other's goals and offering compassion during difficult times.

Constructive Conflict Resolution: Addressing disagreements calmly and respectfully, focusing on solutions rather than winning arguments.

Appreciation and Affection: Regularly expressing gratitude and affection to keep the connection strong. 

(Johns Hopkins University)

How to prevent Unhealthy Relationships .. prevent DV and have Good ones.:

Be able to identify healthy vs unhealthy relationship

Learn about what is a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship (From healthy sources)

Psychological concepts are not always very well understood.  Kepep it simple.

Remember that people are complex and unique.

Respect boundaries

Don't be so controlling

Don't be defensive or unable / unwilling to communicate

Call out unhealhty behaivors ina healthy way.

Don't just disappear -- 

Own your own bad behavior.

Get perspective

Get out of Denial -- Stay out of Denial

Keep in touch with supports (Healthy supports) (Frinds, trusted adults, support lines, formal suposrts).

Healthy relationship sloook like communication.

Trust.  Being abel to be vulnerable, trusting, comfrtable with eiach toher.

SImple things like listening, taking in other people's interests.

Knowing each other's boundaries.

Giving each other tips on how to improve each other.

(_Source)

Videos:

THE IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON LEARNING

Kids Taught to Prevent Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness

A Strategy for Domestic Violence

Expert shares tips on preventing domestic violence incidents

Stopping Domestic Violence

Prevent Interpersonal Violence

DIscussion Questions:

1. What would be at least one thoughtful -- yet brief response to describe each of these Characteristics (listed below) of a healthy relationship) ?

Core principles  of healthy relationships? 

Core Values,  of healthy relationships?  

Core Skills of healthy relationships? 

Core Goals of healthy relationships?  

Core Objectives of healthy relationships? 

Core Characteristics healthy relationships

Meaning and DV: What is the meaning of A Relationship? How does that Meaning Change over time (for Better or For Worse)...?

DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT, or SHARE this article.  It is a DRAFT.

  According to CoPilot, there is a book related to the value or power of meaning in a given relationship.    

  For example, the book, "The Power of Meaning by Emily Esfahani Smith explores the significance of meaning in life, emphasizing that pursuing meaning leads to greater life satisfaction and resilience than merely chasing happiness. The book identifies four pillars of meaning: purpose, connection, transcendence, and growth through adversity."  (Source).

  According to AI, "Power is the capacity to influence, control, or act, often manifested through authority, expertise, or strength to get things done. Conversely, meaning relates to the purpose, significance, and understanding behind those actions. While power focuses on how to influence outcomes, meaning provides the why behind the pursuit" (Source).

  Did you ever wonder what the value of Meaning is to a Relationship? 

  In other words, how might a given partner's sense of Meaning in a relationship impact their interest in staying in a the relationship?

  Perhaps the characteristics of a relationship change after abuse happens; but the relationship is still there even if you are broken up -- whether you communicate or not.)

  Assuming that we each have meaning in our lives; it stands to reason that more deeply developing an understanding of the meaning in our lives can help us over time to better manage our lives through clearer perceptions of what is happening around us, better understandings of what is happening around us, and more insight into the meanings of what is happening to us; as well as well as being able to more readily see how we might be impacting others.  This deeper development of insight may in fact help us build more powerful inroads to manifesting a higher quality of interpersonal effectiveness in our lives.

  That being said, the concept of Meaning seems to become even more relevant to successful and possibly even healthy relationships: What is Meaning?  What is the full meaning of meaning? (AI Overview) 

  "The full meaning of "meaning" encompasses significance, purpose, import, and the intended message conveyed by words, symbols, actions, or experiences, representing what something signifies, its underlying intent, or its inherent value, from the dictionary definition (e.g., "the meaning of 'happy'") to profound personal purpose (e.g., "the meaning of life"). It involves both explicit content (denotation) and implied significance (connotation)" (Source AI overview).

"Key Aspects of Meaning:

  Significance/Import: The importance, value, or implication of something.

  Intention/Purpose: The aim or goal behind an expression or action (e.g., "Do not mistake my meaning").

  Representation: What a word, symbol, or gesture stands for or refers to (e.g., a skull representing death).

  Contextual Understanding: How meaning shifts with grammar, culture, or personal interpretation (e.g., a look "full of meaning")  (AI Overview Link).

Types of Meaning:

Linguistic: The sense or definition of words and sentences.

Symbolic: Hidden or deeper interpretations, like in art or gestures.

Existential: The personal quest for purpose in life.

In essence, meaning is the bridge between a sign (word, action) and the concept or feeling it conveys, whether explicitly stated or deeply felt." (Source, AI Overview).

 

    Hence, it seems reasonable to assume that Relationships do change over time.  And that if there is some sort of Abuse (of any kind), that to can change the meaning of a relationship in a big way.

  Perhaps it goes from being a wonderful dreamboat type of relationship, to something else... From Friendship and Love; to Fear, Disrespect, Sadness, Anger, Vengeance, Betrayal and even Physical Violence.   

  This could probably change the meaning of a Relationship. 

  So... "What is the real meaning of relationship??? 

The full meaning of "relationship" refers to the connection, association, or bond between two or more people, things, or concepts, encompassing how they interact, feel, and behave towards each other, ranging from family ties and friendships to romantic partnerships, business dealings, or even abstract ideas like the link between inflation and unemployment, defined by shared experiences, mutual understanding, and patterns of interaction."  (Source, AI Overview).

Now, look at the list below and think about how these aspects of meaning in a relationship might change if there is Abuse.

"Key aspects of a relationship:

Connection: A fundamental state of being linked or related.

Interaction: The way people talk, behave, and deal with each other. 

Feelings: Involves mutual feelings, emotions, trust, and love (platonic or romantic).

Types: Can be familial (blood/marriage), platonic (friendship), romantic/sexual, or professional (business, working).

Scope: Extends beyond people to include connections between groups, countries, or even abstract concepts (e.g., "the relationship between two variables").

Dynamics: Can evolve over time, be positive or negative, close or distant, and involve expectations and reciprocity.

In essence, a relationship is the state of being connected and the quality of that connection, describing the entire dynamic of how entities relate to one another."  (Source, AI Overview).

  *****

 Did you ever stop to wonder what it means when a relationship has abuse or Domestic Violence?

  Theoretically, the meaning of a relationship is likely to change once abuse or DV begins to crop up between the two partners.

  And when a relationship changes; it follows that there is a strong possibility that the meaning of the relationship also changes in the minds of the two partners -- as well quite possibly as in the minds of the others involved.

                                 *****

  For example: What does it mean when a relationship is peaceful?  Perhaps, "Life is good..."  There is joy, happiness, pleasure, hope, and a possible future...

  What does it mean when a relationship is violent?  Domestic Violence -- How does DV Change the Meaning of a Relationship?

  Emotional Damage of DV might include but is not limited to: "Exposure to traumatic events can lead to stress, fear and isolation, which may lead to depression and suicidal thoughts or behavior. Survivors of domestic violence may internalize verbal abuse from their partner. They may blame themselves for their situation or feel anger and resentment toward themselves."  (Source, AI Overview).

  And Finally, What might be the Meaning of A Life be ------ AFTER Domestic Violence?  Many of us have probably thought about this.  Some people have probably even killed themselves after a relationship.  In fact, it has been written that: 

"Survivors of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times, he points out, and cases of murder-suicide are most likely to occur in the context of abuse. Yet despite the clear link, the mental health and intimate partner violence fields have historically worked in isolation.."  (Source.)

  As for those who survive such tragedy, things can be difficult as well.  From the Article:  Life After Abuse"  What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors Surviving Abuse (24 June 2024).

  "I recently had the privilege of attending a talk by Dr Ramani Durvasula for "the mentl space" podcast: live , where she discussed her latest book, “It’s Not You.”

  Another author wrote: "The evening was nothing short of liberating, filled with tears, laughter, validation, and hope. It struck a chord deep within me, resonating with my experience as a domestic violence survivor, writes Anna Marie Lopes, founder of ‘iambraveandfree’ and Highly Commended Mental Health hero in ‘the mentl awards 2023‘" (Source).

  "Dr Ramani’s words echoed a sentiment often overlooked in discussions about abuse—the impact on survivors. For too long, the focus has been on the abuser and the abuse itself. We dissect the tactics and raise awareness of what abuse is (which is important), but rarely delve into the ever-so-painful aftermath. It was this thought that led me to write this piece and share what it’s like for survivors of abuse to live with trauma."  (Source).

Understanding Trauma

  It is a common misconception that once the abuse is over, the trauma is over. Having escaped an abusive relationship, I know of this misjudgment all too well because I’ve had well-wishers ask me “Why does it still affect you? Didn’t that happen a long time ago?” Well, you see, leaving an abusive relationship is not a clean break. The abuse may be over but the trauma has just begun. Gabor Maté eloquently captured this concept when he said: “Trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

  For the sake of more clarity on what trauma is, imagine surviving a car crash. The actual crash happens in a flash, but the consequences follow through. The car, depending on the impact, might be totaled or need extensive repairs. And the person involved faces a list of potential injuries aka trauma. Minor accidents might require a few stitches or a short hospital stay, while severe ones could involve surgery, intensive care, and a lengthy recuperation period. This may call for additional treatment or lifestyle adjustments. The bottom line is: a car crash can have a severe toll on the human body and the physical force of a collision can lead to injuries that may alter the way the person does everyday life after that.  (Source).

  This analogy highlights how trauma as a result of abuse is similar. A car crash might be a single, shocking event that results in various kinds of trauma to the body (and mind). Now imagine enduring any kind of abuse for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. The trauma will undoubtedly be far-reaching, deep and complex, and may need long-term treatment, healing and life-alterations. This is the reality for survivors who grapple with the impact of abuse, long after the abuse itself has ended.  (Source).

The Challenges of Living with Trauma

We’ve explored what trauma is and its intensity. Now, let’s dive deeper. What does living with trauma truly entail? Here are some insights into the daily experiences of those affected, including myself."  (Source).

Play the Audio: (From:Life After Abuse: What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors  | Mentl Space).

"Developing PTSD/C-PTSD

  One of the most significant impacts of abuse is the possibility of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). PTSD is a mental health condition that can arise after experiencing or witnessing a highly distressing event. On the other hand, CPTSD is mental health condition that can develop from experiencing or witnessing chronic (long-term) distressing events. Both are characterized by intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, and avoidance of triggers related to the trauma, with C-TPSD being more nuanced because of the longer duration of distress.   (Source).

  To shed more light on the seriousness of C-PTSD, a study found that women who survived childhood sexual trauma exhibited symptoms similar to those seen in PTSD among Vietnam veterans. Both survivors and veterans endured experiences marked by feelings of helpless terror and threats to their body and life. In each case, PTSD stemmed from traumatic violence, and “tenacious symptoms were the result.” However, there were several differences between sexual abuse survivors and veterans.   The women were typically abused by family members, were much younger when they were abused, and experienced it in isolation rather than as part of a group. As a result their abuse lasted longer, was more likely to have been repressed, and they experienced delayed therapy."   (Source).

"Chronic People Pleasing

  Another impact of abuse is the tendency to develop people-pleasing behaviours. This is not just about offering to grab extra coffee on a work run -– it’s a complex coping mechanism rooted in traumatic experiences.   (Source).

  Imagine constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, never wanting to upset anyone. This is the reality for many survivors. The fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and constant anticipation that others will react negatively or harshly can lead survivors of abuse to prioritize the needs of others over their own. This chronic people-pleasing takes a toll, leading to emotional exhaustion, a lost sense of identity, and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships."   (Source).

"Risk of Revictimization

  Did you know that survivors of abuse have a high tendency of falling into future abusive relationships? This vulnerability stems from a complex interplay of factors. For one, the distorted dynamics of an abusive relationship can become strangely familiar. Survivors might unconsciously seek out partners who display similar behaviors, simply because that’s what they know. This familiarity, however unsettling, can feel strangely comforting.   (Source).

  Trauma can also warp a survivor’s understanding of healthy relationships. The constant need to appease the abuser can become ingrained. They might mistake unhealthy power dynamics (that are not so clear-cut) for love and prioritize a partner’s happiness above their own. This distorted lens makes it difficult to identify and avoid future abusive relationships."   (Source).

"Low Self-Esteem and Trust issues

  Abuse isn’t a bump in the road, it’s a relentless assault on a survivor’s sense of self-worth. The constant barrage of criticism, manipulation, and belittlement used by abusers erodes a person’s self-esteem like a sculptor chipping away at stone. I for one, after leaving my abuser, found myself drowning in a sea of self-doubt, questioning my judgment, value, and even my sanity.    (Source).

  This internal battleground bred shame, self-blame, and the suffocating belief that I was unworthy of love or happiness. What’s more, I even struggled to trust myself and others, making healthy relationships incredibly hard. Withdrawn and guarded, I have often feared the sting of betrayal and the pain of further emotional harm."   (Source).

"External Invalidation

It’s a cruel twist of the knife –-  you survive abuse, only to be called “weak” or “overly sensitive.” But it’s true, the stigma abuse survivors face is brutal. We are constantly misunderstood for our current reactions to triggers or stressful situations. These responses, however, are far from weakness; they’re a fight to survive because of the profound impact of abuse on our mental and emotional well-being.  (Source).

  Articulating experiences can be incredibly difficult for survivors. Explaining how past abuse continues to shape their present can feel like speaking a foreign language. This often leads to people not being able to grasp the complexities of trauma and its long-lasting effects. This then creates an isolating silence, making it even harder for survivors to seek support or feel understood on their healing journey."   (Source).

"Being Stuck in Fight, Flight or Freeze

Another debilitating consequence of abuse is getting stuck in a long-term fight, flight, or freeze mode. Imagine your nervous system as a primal protector, constantly on high alert. Abuse throws this system into chaos, leaving survivors hyper-vigilant and trapped in a cycle of fear. (Kind of like how you’d feel when the fire alarm in the building rings and you don’t know if you’ve got to evacuate or stay put considering a month prior there actually was a fire and you were trapped until help came.)   (Source). 

  As a result, survivors might become easily triggered and lash out (fight), withdraw from social connections to avoid overwhelm (flight), or experience emotional numbness or difficulty mobilizing (freeze) –- all desperate attempts to cope in response to a faulty alarm system that has short-circuited from abuse. This prolonged state of heightened arousal or shutdown can severely impact their daily life, relationships, and overall well-being. Overcoming this state often requires specialized therapy and support to help the survivor feel safe and learn to regulate their nervous system."   (Source).

"Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

  We’ve established that trauma can leave survivors devastated in several ways. To numb the crushing weight, they may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. This can manifest in self-harm, substance abuse, or eating disorders –- all desperate attempts to find comfort at any cost.  These mechanisms might offer a temporary escape from what they experienced, a sense of control in a world that feels out of control for them. However, as many of us know, this path is a dangerous illusion. It’s a vicious cycle, that further complicates the healing journey, leaving survivors trapped in a cycle of numbing the pain with substances that ultimately cause more pain."   (Source).

"Living with Trauma is not a dead end

  While we’ve explored some of the challenges faced by survivors of abuse, remember this is just a glimpse. Trauma carves its own path through each life. Healing, however, is not a distant dream. Help is available, and for those in an abusive relationship or rebuilding afterwards, a fulfilling future is absolutely possible.   (Source).

  The road to healing is long, demanding, and often unpredictable. Yet, with support, therapy, and self-care, survivors don’t just overcome these challenges –- they transcend them. They build resilience, reclaim their power, and create lives filled with joy and meaning. Last but not least, remember, for survivors of abuse, healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey –- a relentless march forward, one brave step at a time."  (From:Life After Abuse: What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors  | Mentl Space).   (Source).

The following is Continued from earlier quote:  "

"10 Steps to Heal From Emotional Abuse

Acknowledge the Issue. The first step towards healing from emotional abuse is to acknowledge that it happened. ...

Seek Support. ...

Practice Self-Care. ...

Identify Triggers. ...

Develop Coping Skills. ...

Practice Self-Compassion. ...

Set Boundaries. ...

Process Emotions."  (Source.)

Discussion Questions: 

Topic:  The Meaning of a Life after a Relationship that included Abuse

1. What is the Meaning of a Healthy Relationship to you?   

2. What is the Meaning of an Abusive Relationship to you?

3. How might the whole situation around your offense have meaning?