Mindfulness and Prevention of DV: Where was I IN MY MIND when my DV Happened?

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent Domestic Violence?  

  According to HealthLine, regarding Mindfulness helping in Relationships: “A set of three studies from 2018 (Source) found evidence to suggest mindfulness can promote increased acceptance in romantic relationships. Being more present with your partner also seemed to have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction overall" (Source).

  Mindfulness would include understanding of one's self and at the very least, an attempt to understand the other person..

  It stands to reason that if a Relationship has more Acceptance and more Presence; then perhaps BOTH partners can find more satisfaction in the relationship; hence, they could have fewer of the Perceptions, Feelings, Thoughts, Behaviors and Impulses that relate to Domestic Violence.  Such a Relationship, might even have more Happiness, more Cooperation, more Negotiation, more Humility, more Fairness, more Compassion, more Mutual Respect, more Reciprocation, more Teamwork and a greater sense of Equality between the partners.

Why Does Domestic Violence Happen?

  In a 2016 article in Psych Central, the author writes about some of the theoretical reasons for DV saying:   "Domestic violence — also known as DV, intimate partner violence or abuse — may start when one partner feels the need to control and dominate the other."

  "Abusers may feel this need to control their partner because of low self-esteem, extreme jealousy, difficulties in regulating anger and other strong emotions, or when they feel inferior to the other partner in education and socioeconomic background." (Axelrod, J., 2016).

Dr. B. adds: "The above probably originates out of some very popular long-held beliefs about DV and they do have some validity.  However, based on years of practice in the field, Dr. B. does not whole-heartedly agree with all of that.  It is also believed that DV often seems to arise out of circumstances such as those which develop into crises with feelings among potential abusers (such as extreme insecurity, or extreme fear of loss of the relationship; or extreme frustration with things going on in the relationship, where a person might feel: 1) That they must do something; 2) That they must do something now; and 3) That they must somehow take control of the situation.)  And this is often where the exertion of power and control happens in DV.  This is certainly not to rationalize away the offender's responsibility for DV; nor is the intention here to project blame onto the Victim for the DV.  But rather, this is quite possibly more common of a reason for DV than some of those mentioned above, as it takes into account the Systems Perspective."

  Even when intoxicated, such feelings of jealousy, anger and other strong emotions can surface.  People often become more impulsive and even belligerent when intoxicated.  Many argue that their DV Offense would not have happened if not for the alcohol.  These feelings are still there; however, what might not have been there also while intoxicated was that ability to fully manage impulses.

  Others believe that when more closely examined, it seems that DV often happens as a result of poor choices and even mistakes.  

  Still others -- particularly victims of DV, DV Offenders, their Families, the Courts, and Treatment Providers really want to know more about exactly HOW DV happens?  There is no one certain answer.

  We know that in order for DV to happen, at least the Victim and the Perpetrator need to be physically present; or at least involved in a Relationship to some extent.  At the same time, one should consider that Presence in the sense of Mindfulness, can be much more than just being physically present. 

 

VIDEO: "A Mindfulness Exercise to Calm Your Emotions."

Mindfulness -- How does that work?

  Per Oxford, Mindfulness is:  “the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something” or “mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.”

  For example: In her Article regarding “Mindfulness, Presence and Connection”, Knowlan (2007) defined Mindfulness and Presence in the following ways:

"Mindfulness is a quality of focused, non-judgmental attention to the present moment; the capacity to witness.  Mindfulness is accepting something the way it is -- in the moment.

Whereas, Presence is a quality of being fully, yet authentically, available in the present moment; often experienced as a quality of being connected and open to what is arising or co-arising between and among us."  

It almost seems like Presence is kind of like just BEING IN The Moment WITH SOMEONE.

  Knowlan also wrote that, “THE CAPACITY TO BE MINDFUL is fundamental to creating conscious, living systems” (Knowlan, 2007).

  In other words, Mindfulness is about being more Conscious of ourselves and others.

  In some ways, it seems that a Healthy Relationship could be viewed as a Conscious Living System -- or at least a part of such a system.

Question:

  So if I was conscious of my partner and my self in our relationship, How did our DV Offense happen?

  And even more telling could be the answer in mindfulness terms to the question: Why did this DV Offense happen?  

  Could it be because there was a problem with this System -- with OUR system -- the system that lives within and between us?  

  Could it be that when a Relationship is at the point of having DV; then the Relationship is lacking in Consciousness; or lacking a sense of living Vitality?

  That being proposed, one again asks: How did this DV Offense Happen?  

  In other words, What was going on when the urge to do what was done happened?  

  Or when the related decision or choice to do what I or we did was made?  

  Or even the failure to stop it from happening occurred?  

  And in some cases such as those involving drinking; this could be where the alcohol gets blamed -- But unfortunately, blaming the alcohol just does not do the trick.

  Although this dialectic here may seem like a spiral of sorts; this could be how we begin to truly understand what was going on with me; the person who committed this DV Offense -- at the time that I did what I did.

  If I could juts answer this, I might be getting somewhere.

  And with Mindfulness; we might also consider what was going on with the Victim at that time as well (That's what we call empathy)?  

  Empathy could be helpful.

  But our main focus should be on our selves and what was happening with us at that moment.

Video: "Mindfulness Exercise: Body Scan."

Still We Must Fully Understand How It Happened:

  It stands to reason that in order to end DV -- or to improve a damaged relationship; we should fully understand how it happened?  Hence, we need to know why it happened?  

  We look inside of ourselves -- inside of the person who did the offense... and how this person (I) was Feeling or Thinking; and how I was Doing at the time just prior to the DV Offense?

  And this is where we shift our focus to our sense of  PRESENCE.... In a way...  for example, a great question to ask one's self could be: "Where was I (in my mind, like cognitively and emotionally -- fears and all) when my Domestic Violence Offense Happened?

And Perhaps this is where Mindfulness Can Really Make a Difference?

  Some scholars say that: 

"Being present (or living mindfully, whatever you want to call it) simply means you're focused and engaged in the here and now, not distracted or mentally absent."  They say that "Being Present" or (Being Mindful) "Mindfulness" can (also) help with Managing Stress, Mental Health Symptoms, and with Relationships (Source).

Instead of letting your mind wander to your partner’s quirks or mistakes, or things you wish they would do (or not do), try focusing on the moment-to-moment experience of your relationship. This can make it easier to both enjoy the many things you appreciate about your partner and address problems or concerns as they happen” (Source). 

  So, let's try some more Mindfulness... Think about this for a minute:    

  Where were we when our DV Happened?  Yeah.. sure, we know we were physically somewhere -- but where were we in our heads, or our minds and in our hearts at the time?

  This inspirational quote might help:

“It stands to reason that anyone who learns to live well will die well. The skills are the same: being PRESENT in the moment, and humble, and brave, and keeping a sense of humor” (Victoria Moran, Source).

And that's what we are working on here.   You Ready???

Can Mindfulness Help Prevent DV?  

  Surely, Mindfulness can also help at times other than while we are in the middle of a conflict.  This Exercise, for example, below is about Integrating our Heart with our Head -- that's our Feelings and our thoughts -- and doing so within the Context of a DV Offense.

We can possibly progress toward Prevention of Future DV and Healthier Resolution of our recent DV Offense through developing introspection about the following:

Question: 

---  What was I thinking before, during and after my DV offense?

---  Where was I in my head during the offense -- Where was my mind?  What was my mind doing at the time?

---  What was my heart saying to me at the time of my offense?

---  And at that time also, how did I respond to the callings of my Head and my Heart?  Did I listen to them?  And more importantly; Did I act on them?

Sometimes, a Relaxation Activity might help one develop a better understanding of such.  Let's try it!

Mindfulness Exercise for Relaxation & Stress Relief: 

5-Minute Exercise You Can Do Anywhere

NOW -- Let's Just try to start to Relax a little.

  Practicing Mindfulness.  Mindfulness can include many thoughts, feelings and actions: Awareness, Presence, Feeling the Vibe, Breathing Exercises, such as Breathing in the good, nice energy; and then Expelling all the Toxic or Negative Energy, Being in the Moment, like Right here, Right now, Positive thinking and Positive Projection, Humility and Humbleness, Accepting What it Is about yourself and Accepting Others as well, Developing Compassion for yourself and others, Accepting the things that you cannot control.  It’s about Having Faith in Yourself, and Having Faith in Others Around You too.  It’s about Practicing Patience with everyone and everything all the time.  And It’s about forgiveness –giving forgiveness to yourself and forgiving others.  And finally,  it’s about doing the best that you can, and Letting go of things that hold you back.

So, Let's Try Something Like This Mindfulness Activity:  

Please Follow these instructions:

Relax your hands.  Close your eyes.  Put your feet flat in front of you -- unless you are sitting on the floor.  Then put all of your weight on your but.  Sit back.  Relax.

Breathe slow, take some very deep breaths -- 

>>> --  Breathing in for 3 seconds or 3 Mississippi's -- and hold.

>>> --  Hold that breath in for 1 - 2 seconds or Mississippi's, then

>>> --  Slowly Breathe out for 3 seconds or Mississippi's.

Then Repeat...  until you feel relaxed... (Possibly 3 minutes).

Once you feel relaxed; Picture yourself... Picture you at that time.

  And think: Where was I in a Physical Sense when my DV Offense Happened?  Think about yourself at that time.  

  Now, Describe to yourself your sense of the scene of the Offense: Who was there?  How were they acting?  How were they apparently feeling?

  Ask yourself the following as you move forward in time:

 >>> What were my Thoughts at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

 

 >>> What were my Feelings at the time this happened -- the time of the Offense?

  >>> What were my Worries at that time?  What were my Fears at that time?  What was I afraid of at that time?

>>>  What were my Wants at this time?  What did I want to happen? 

>>>  What were my Needs at that time?  What did I need? 

>>>  What did I feel like doing at the time just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>>  And as you go the point where your Offense happened, What was driving me in that moment?

  Now: Consider this:  After a tragedy such as a DV Offense; we sometimes trick ourselves into believing that we did not have a choice.  But we did have a choice at that time?

 >>> What were my Options just prior to My DV Offense?

 >>> Now Remember, this is not about having Regrets or Remorse. 

 >>> But this is more about finding solutions for prevention.

 >>> Let it go.

>>> This is about having Healthier Relationships.

>>> This is about Finding Happiness for Our Selves and for others In Relationships and In The Future. 

  >>> Remember your Breathing.  Mississippi's....  

Mindfulness Exercise for loss and letting go: Alternative Action for Letting Go:  Heartbeat, A Mindfulness Exercise To Calm Your Emotions

>>> Imagine a nice white clean piece of paper and a pencil in your hands and you are writing down all of the Regretful thoughts, feelings and actions associated with your DV Offense.  You may write down your losses too. 

>>> Then after you finish writing, you may crumble this piece of paper into a very tight ball.  And when you are ready to let go of the Blame, the Shame, the Guilt and the Regrets related to your DV Offense; when you are ready to move on beyond all that negative stuff, throw that paper ball as far away as you can; and look away from it, turn around and walk away.  

Now -- Come back to full consciousness slowly...  feeling yourself where you are right now.  And when you are ready, you can Open your eyes and Relax...

 Now Come back to this room...

 <<< How do you feel?

 <<< Many people feel more energized after they complete an exercise such as this and relaxed as well.  Both at the same time.   

          How do you feel?  

 <<< What do you recall from this session? 

 <<< What insights did you gain? 

 <<<  What if we used this technique during crises in the future?  How might my life be different if I was using this technique before I got into trouble?  How might lives of others be different?

 

 ****** End of Mindfulness Activity )******

 >>> * Please Click HERE to Complete your 

Mindfulness & DV Prevention Worksheet. * <<<

*** And always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

 

 Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

Music:  

My Old School (Steely Dan)

Tomorrow Never Knows (The Beatles)

Tomorrow Never Knows (Los Lobos)

Sources: 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6153889/

https://www.healthline.com/health/being-present#What-it-really-means

Knowlan, 2007.

http://www.morefamousquotes.com/topics/quotes-about-being-present-in-the-moment/

Back to the Basics -- The Basics of Domestic Violence: More DV Basics (From the CDC) "Understanding More About Why Domestic Violence Happens."

  This is a DRAFT POST.  PLEASE do not duplicate, do not copy, do not print.  Thank you. 

Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)

"Domestic violence, spousal abuse, battering, or intimate partner violence, is typically the victimization of an individual with whom the abuser has an intimate or romantic relationship. The CDC defines domestic violence as "physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression (including coercive acts) by a current or former intimate partner."

  Videos -- What is Domestic Violence?

Video 1

Video 2

Video 3

Domestic and family violence has no boundaries. This violence occurs in intimate relationships regardless of culture, race, religion, or socioeconomic status. All healthcare professionals must understand that domestic violence, whether in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical violence, is common in our society and should develop the ability to recognize it and make the appropriate referral."    (FROM: Source.).

"Violence Abuse Types

The types of violence include stalking, economic, emotional or psychological, sexual, neglect, Munchausen by proxy, and physical. Domestic and family violence occurs in all races, ages, and sexes. It knows no cultural, socioeconomic, education, religious, or geographic limitation. It may occur in individuals with different sexual orientations"    (FROM: Source.).

"Etiology

Reason Abusers Need to Control[8][9][10]

Anger management issues

Jealousy

Low self-esteem

Feeling inferior 

Cultural beliefs they have the right to control their partner

Personality disorder or psychological disorder

Learned behavior from growing up in a family where domestic violence was accepted

Alcohol and drugs, as an impaired individual may be less likely to control violent impulses"    (FROM: Source.).

"Risk Factors

Risk factors for domestic and family violence include individual, relationship, community, and societal issues. There is an inverse relationship between education and domestic violence. Lower education levels correlate with more likely domestic violence. Childhood abuse is commonly associated with becoming a perpetrator of domestic violence as an adult. Perpetrators of domestic violence commonly repeat acts of violence with new partners. Drug and alcohol abuse greatly increases the incidence of domestic violence.

Children who are victims or witness domestic and family violence may believe that violence is a reasonable way to resolve a conflict. Males who learn that females are not equally respected are more likely to abuse females in adulthood. Females who witness domestic violence as children are more likely to be victimized by their spouses. While females are often the victim of domestic violence, gender roles can be reversed.

Domination may include emotional, physical, or sexual abuse that may be caused by an interaction of situational and individual factors. This means the abuser learns violent behavior from their family, community, or culture. They see violence and are victims of violence"    (FROM: Source.).

"Epidemiology

Domestic violence is a serious and challenging public health problem. Approximately 1 in 3 women and 1 in 10 men 18 years of age or older experience domestic violence. Annually, domestic violence is responsible for over 1500 deaths in the United States.[11][12][13]

Domestic violence victims typically experience severe physical injuries requiring care at a hospital or clinic. The cost to individuals and society is significant. The national annual cost of medical and mental health care services related to acute domestic violence is estimated at over $8 billion. If the injury results in a long-term or chronic condition, the cost is considerably higher.

Financial hardship and unemployment are contributors to domestic violence. An economic downturn is associated with increased calls to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Fortunately, the national rate of nonfatal domestic violence is declining. This is thought to be due to a decline in the marriage rate, decreased domesticity, better access to domestic violence shelters, improvements in female economic status, and an increase in the average age of the population."  (FROM: Source.).

"National

Most perpetrators and victims do not seek help.

Healthcare professionals are usually the first individuals with an opportunity to identify domestic violence.

Nurses are usually the first healthcare providers victims encounter.

Domestic violence may be perpetrated on women, men, parents, and children.

Fifty percent of women seen in emergency departments report a history of abuse, and approximately 40% of those killed by their abuser sought help in the 2 years before death.

Only one-third of police-identified victims of domestic violence are identified in the emergency department.

Healthcare professionals who work in acute care need to maintain a high index of suspicion for domestic violence as supportive family members may, in fact, be abusers"   (FROM: Source.).

Discussion Questions:

  In your own words: What is DV?

  What types of Abuse  have you been either a Victim of, or accused of Committing?

  What Makes DV Happen?

  

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and DV Prevention

THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  

PLEASE DO NOT DUPLICATE or PRINT.

How could understanding Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs help prevent Domestic Violence?

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs explained (Video):

Diagram is from Wikipedia

 Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid (original five-level model) - Maslow's hierarchy of needs - Wikipedia

"What Motivates You? Understanding Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: This theory of human motivation says people seek to meet their needs in a predictable order"

"If you’ve ever taken an intro to psychology class, the words “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” might ring a bell. (Or maybe the bell was a Pavlov thing?)

What is it that Maslow was talking about? And can it help explain why we do the things we do?

Clinical psychologist Dawn Potter, PsyD, explains.   What is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?"

"Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is a theory of human motivation created by psychologist Abraham Maslow in the 1940s. It outlines what we need to become our best selves.

“It’s a framework that describes what motivates people and when,” Dr. Potter says. “It explains that we have needs and that we typically seek to meet them in a certain order.”

Order is a big thing in the hierarchy of needs. That’s why you’ll usually see it represented as a pyramid.

How the pyramid works

Maslow’s original Hierarchy of Needs had five levels. In the strictest interpretation, each level in the pyramid has to be met to successfully pursue the next. The order goes like this:

Physiological

Safety

Connection and love

Esteem

Self-actualization

Maslow’s theory says that only after your physical (physiological) needs, like food and water, are met can you then set your sights on your next-level need for safety. And if your physical needs are met and you’re safe and secure, you then address your need to develop close relationships with others. And so on, up to the top of the pyramid.

The first four steps are sometimes called “deficiency needs.” They’re the ones that are outside of yourself. The top of the pyramid, self-actualization, is called a growth need. It’s about the drive that comes from within you and compels you to be your fullest self.

“Say I’m counseling a high school student, and I want to encourage them to consider college. But they need to contribute financially to keep their family from losing their home. Their need for esteem or self-development probably isn’t going to be on their radar because what they really need, in that moment, is the safety of financial security,” Dr. Potter illustrates.

In many interpretations of the hierarchy, people can skip steps. But trying to leapfrog the order can often lead to stress or friction.

“Trying to skip a step or trying to do things out of order potentially causes hardship,” she adds.

What’s more, you can fall back to a lower level on the pyramid if things change.

“It’s not like, I went grocery shopping today, so now I don’t have to worry about my basic needs ever again,” Dr. Potter notes. “You can need different things at different times.”

One day, you can be gunning for a promotion, but troubles brew in your relationships, so you can drop down a peg until those needs are attended to.

Let’s take a closer look at each level.

1. Physiological

The bottom rung on the pyramid contains our basic necessities. That includes things like:

Food

Water

Air

Rest

Sufficient health

If your plane crashes on a deserted island, these are the problems you’re probably going to try to solve first. If you’re injured and dehydrated, chances are, you’re not going to prioritize making small talk and building friendships with the other survivors — unless they have bandages and water to share with you.

2. Safety

Our need for security is a survival instinct that has helped keep humans alive for countless generations. Maslow’s safety needs include:

Physical security, like stable housing

Emotional freedom, like not feeling fearful

Financial stability and job security

Environmental safety, like freedom from war and a safety net of protective services

Going back to the plane crash, what are you going to do after you’ve received first aid and found something to eat and drink? Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs says you’ll find somewhere safe to sleep. You might also team up with other survivors to take shifts during the night so someone can alert the group to predators and other threats.

3. Connection and love

The third level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is the need for connection and love. People are social creatures. Our need to build meaningful relationships is important to our well-being. At this step, we’ll pursue needs like:

Romantic relationships

Family relationships

Friendships

A sense of community

This is the time on that deserted island when you start to form bonds with other survivors. You might trade life stories, share resources and agree to certain rules.

4. Esteem

Esteem refers to our need to feel respected, capable and appreciated. It can compel us to:

Set goals and work diligently to meet them

Seek validation and recognition from others

Work on our self-confidence

Pursue education and self-development

Try new hobbies

As they reach step four on the hierarchy, the plane crash survivors have met most of their everyday needs, so they start to look for a sense of purpose.

They might develop their fishing skills and feel accomplished when they’re acknowledged for their contributions to the greater group. Others may look to take on leadership roles, like organizing expeditions of the island.

5. Self-actualization

Self-actualization is Maslow’s envisioned peak. It’s the point where our needs from the outside world are fulfilled and our drive turns inward. Few people actually achieve self-actualization.

“Self-actualization means reaching your full potential,” Dr. Potter explains. “It’s a rare state where you’re doing what you truly want, motivated only by your desires and not by what’s needed or expected of you.”

If you were to become self-actualized on the island, it could look like being at peace with the idea that you might never be rescued. You’d have all you need right where you are and want for nothing.

Expanded model

Over the years, Maslow built upon his original model to add three more layers.

To go along with Esteem, he added:

4.1: Cognitive needs: Feeling intellectually stimulated and challenged

4.2: Aesthetic needs: Appreciating beauty and art

And after Self-actualization, he added:

6: Transcendence needs: Looking beyond yourself — through spirituality or service to others

Like self-actualization, these additional steps in the pyramid are described as growth needs, rather than deficiency needs.

Criticism of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

Maslow’s theory may provide some useful clues into how people tend to behave. But people don’t always act as the pyramid describes.

It’s one thing to consider how a group who lands on a remote island might prioritize their needs. It’s another thing to say for certain what people out in society will do.

Among the critiques of the pyramid are concerns like:

Lack of evidence: Maslow’s hierarchy isn’t necessarily grounded in rigorous studies of real-world human behavior.

Cultural differences: People can be motivated by different needs, depending on their personal and societal values.

Rigidity: It’s possible, maybe even likely, to be motivated by more than one thing at any given time.

Even still, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs gives us a way to think about what drives us — from finding food and safety to seeking love, respect and purpose. While life isn’t always a perfect journey from A to Z, the framework can help us understand why we feel stuck at times or why certain goals may feel out of reach" (SOURCE).

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS: 

  1. How might understanding Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs help make a relationship healthier?

  2. How might living in accordance with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs help make a relationship healthier and less likely to have DV?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs#/media/File:Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs_Pyramid_(original_five-level_model).png

BASIC DBT Skills for Prevention of Domestic Violence-Type Thinking and Feeling and Domestic Violence Itself!

 BASIC DBT Skills for Prevention of Domestic Violence-Type Thinking and Feeling and Domestic Violence Itself!  

What are the moments when DV happens truly made of?  

  Stress, Anger, Impatience, Disrespect of others and Disrespect of self...  Other feelings?  Fear, Rage, Exhaustion...

   It wasn't me... I wasn't thinking...          I wasn't there... 100%  I don't even remember what happened...

   I was off my center.  I ran out of patience.   I couldn't stand it any more.

  It was all her fault...  It was all his fault.

  So how did that work out for ya???

  What's say we try a few DBT Skills???

DBT TIPP Skills:  Presentation

  Trick your body into feeling like you are under water

  Intense Exercise

  Paced Breathing

  Paired Muscle Relaxation

Mindfulness How Skills:  Presentation

  How to Observe

  How to Describe

  How to Participate

Mindfulness of Current Emotions:  Presentation

  Notice the Emotion and observe it

  Be willing to experience the emotion (Notice where in your body you feel it.)

  Respect and Love your Emotions (Even the painful ones).

  Do not Judge your Emotions.  (They are what they are.)

  Practice Loving your Emotions

Wise-Mind:  Presentation

  "An Intuitive, Centered State of Mind -- where you are the wisest and make the most effective decisions."

  "Not Emotion Mind and Not Reasonable Mind.

  Emotion Mind (State of mind when your emotions control your Thoughts, Urges and Behaviors).

  Reasonable Mind (State of mind when your reason controls your (Thoughts, Urges and Behaviors).
  You lose your sense of empathy.

  Wise-Mind represents the Integration of Emotion Mind and Reason Mind

  Knowing facts and log as well as tuning into emotions and senses" (Source.)

Others Include:

Emotion Regulation

Interpersonal Effectiveness

6 DBT Skills for Anger -- DearMAN, Opposite Action, Check the Facts, 

GIVE Skills

Tip Skills

Please Skills 

Notes:

  Using DBT for Stress

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You? A Process Approach

NOTES>>> DRAFT >>> DO NOT DUPLICATE!  

  Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence -- What does Valentine's Day Mean To You?  A Process Approach

  One thing for certain: There are few things more natural than two Humans pairing off together... and doing what they do...  If nothing else, it keeps the species going.  And by the way, Animals do it too.. kind of...  (I think....)

  But unfortunately, for those who are not doing it...  That is pairing off together ---  it can feel empty, left out... rejected, neglected and down right out of place.

Valentine's Day and Domestic Violence --  Now how the heck could those two things be related to each other...

  "Some people get into Domestic Violence situations on Valentine's Day because the other person is expecting special attention.. some affection, a gift, or maybe even flowers... and a CARD!....    But it doesn't always come through that way -- does it...  

  Otherwise, this day could turn into a fighting day and that could yield some DV.  Or if nothing else... it might become a good reason for someone to break up with someone else.

  This is a hard topic... it tends to stir up feelings.... Why?

Unrealized expectations...  ?

So what is so special about Valentine's Day? 

From the Article: “Violence and Valentine's Day: A brief reprieve from abuse.”

  “This Valentine’s Day, whether you are in a happy, loving, committed relationship or you are one of the many people who will be celebrating “Singles Awareness Day,” one of the things that you may be thankful for is a brief reprieve from domestic violence.

  Although there is anecdotal evidence that Valentine’s Day is connected to a spike in domestic abuse, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, Valentine’s Day is actually one of three days where there is actually a slight decrease in reports of domestic violence (the other two are Thanksgiving and Christmas).

  This is a tiny bright spot within a very dark issue that usually only comes to light when a celebrity has been caught on tape abusing their partner or because someone who you have never heard of has been killed after years of abuse.

  Sadly, domestic violence is overwhelmingly common in the United States. Twenty people are physically abused by their partners every minute. Nearly 5 million women are victims of physical abuse by their partners every year and over 38 million women in the United States have experienced physical intimate partner violence in their lifetimes.”  (Source).  

How do you feel about Valentine's Day???

You say... Valentine's Day is Made Of what???  

  Love, Happiness, Candy.. Sweetness... Appreciation, Gratitude..  Gifts...  Recognition, Intimacy..... Sexual Intimacy.. Victoria's Secret makes a fortune on Valentine's Day....

  Or Valentine's day could be sad and lonely for a lot of people as well...

  Perhaps when these things happen.. and people experience painful rejection... loss.... fear... sadness...  Lots of pain.

  So perhaps all this could be avoided... if we each... just show a little kindness... 

  Being kind to the person you are with is not a bed thing.. Being extra nice to your children or family... and maybe even celebration of the relationships that you are gifted with.....  Or .. it could be celebrating a friendship... with anybody... or some other type of relationship.. such as the one that St. Valentine might have felt like when he chose NOT to deny his belief in Jesus which cost him his life...  (Maby Valentine's Day is about a Love that one cannot deny....)  For he was killed for refusing to give it up or renounce his love for Christ even under the penalty of death.....  

  On the other hand, some might think that Valentine's Day should be ignored, or minimized..

  One person even said, "I think Valentine's Day is Stupid!"

She continued, "There should not be just one day to dedicate or to get or to give chocolates... Rather it should be a consistent effort from both sides...  To me.. I like little things that are consistently done by each other to show their love for you..   Add a surprise just to make you happy or smile..  it should not be just ONE day out of the year and also it does not have to be EVERY day either."

So let's take a DEEPER DIVE -- What is the Origin of Valentine's Day:

  “The "Feast" (Latin: "in natali", lit.: on the birthday) of Saint Valentine originated in (what was called) Christendom and has been marked by the Western Church of Christendom in honour of one of the Christian martyrs named Valentine, as recorded in the 8th century Gelasian Sacramentary.” (Source).

Who was St. Valentine?

  “The very brief vita of St Valentine states that he was executed for refusing to deny Christ by the order of the "Emperor Claudius" in the year 269.” 

  “Saint Valentine (Italian: San Valentino; Latin: Valentinus) was a 3rd-century Roman saint, commemorated in Western Christianity on February 14 and in Eastern Orthodoxy on July 6. From the High Middle Ages, his Saints' Day has been associated with a tradition of courtly love.  He is also a patron saint of Terni, epilepsy and beekeepers.[2][3] Saint Valentine was a clergyman – either a priest or a bishop – in the Roman Empire who ministered to persecuted Christians.[4] He was martyred and his body buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14, which has been observed as the Feast of Saint Valentine (Saint Valentine's Day) since at least the eighth century.[5]

  Relics of him were kept in the Church and Catacombs of San Valentino in Rome, which "remained an important pilgrim site throughout the Middle Ages until the relics of St. Valentine were transferred to the church of Santa Prassede during the pontificate of Nicholas IV".[6] His skull, crowned with flowers, is exhibited in the Basilica of Santa Maria in Cosmedin, Rome."  (Source.).

How did Valentine's Day start in the US."

"Valentine's Day is named after Saint Valentine, a Catholic priest who lived in the third century. The exact origins of the holiday are not clear, but it is believed to have originated as a Christian feast day to commemorate Saint Valentine."  (Source).....  

  What is the deeper meaning of Valentine's day?  (Could it be that The martyr Valentine who died for refusing to deny Christ... was basically like Christ reportedly loving the people and the Church for ever -  like a wife.).

The Deeper Deeper Meaning Behind Valentine's Day 

  "It is about sacrifice and devotion, love and honor, in the face of overwhelming and dangerous odds.  While making your Valentine's Day plans, remember St. Valentine who was willing to give his life in pursuit of love and marriage, and ask yourself if you would be willing to do the same for those you profess to love." (Source.).

"One is the Loneliest Number..."  Dealing with Valentine's Day as a Single person or a Non-Attached Person:  Let's Try A PROCESS APPROACH -- a good way to work through your feelings

  As noted above: Few things in human life are more natural than pairing off.

  Thus unfortunately, to some people, if a person is not paired off, there's something wrong with them...  Which is not always the case.

  So What's it like if you do not have anyone on Valentine's Day?  Do you Celebrate "Singles Appreciation Day"..

  Some people suggest: "Make February a Month about you... Give yourself things.. not everybody else...  (A time to learn how to practice Radical Acceptance). 

  Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in and the past.

Radical Acceptance Video: By Wackett 

Questions to Ponder: 

  What is One Little thing I could Change in my Life that might improve how I feel on Valentine's Day?  

  Have you ever considered Serenity.  

  What feelings does Valentine's Day bring up for you?

  Ever felt really sad or left out or like a Loser on Valentine's Day?

  Valentine's Day without my Valentine -- Seriously??? 

  What is it like to feel like there is someone out there who will never give up on you?

  Is there someone out there who you will never give up on?

  Isn't it nice when both people feel that way?

Let's go back a little bit:

  What are your Earliest MEMORIES OF Valentine's-Day?    

  Did they contain... Acceptance, Surprise, Rejection, Loneliness, or Sadness?  Or something else? 

  What might it be like Accepting My-Self on Valentine's Day... just the way I am?

  What do you plan to do for your partner or for yourself on this Coming Valentine's day?

Now: How Can I Move Forward?

  Perhaps, First: Accept where I am RIGHT NOW!  Re-asses my situation and myself.  Think of my Good Qualities.  Think positive.  Be open to the possibilities.  Problem solve.  Keep at it.  Whatever you do... Don't give up!

  If your feelings and emotions are getting the best of you, please watch this video about Emotional Regulation:

  Hey, Check this out this Article by Taryn Herlich!

 “Valentine’s Day and Abuse:  The Emotional Ties Between The Two”

“Valentine’s Day can be difficult  for survivors of domestic violence. Our society has marketed this day towards happy, healthy couples and for individuals who have faced abuse, it can make this day feel rather disheartening. Social media is often full of unrealistic presentations of happy couples and this can create feelings of unworthiness, provoking individuals to ponder their own decisions. When Valentine’s Day and abuse come together, the emotions can get complicated.

Moreover, many survivors who do leave an abusive relationship may face what’s known as Stockholm syndrome after abuse. This is essentially when you feel compassion for your abuser and struggle to get over the break-up as you still miss being with them. On Valentine’s Day, it can be extremely easy to fall into a cycle of reminiscing on the positive times you had with this person, because let’s face it, even an abusive relationship can have good days. That’s essentially what keeps survivors holding on. They hope one day this person will change, and focus on the fond memories they may have had at the beginning of the relationship. During a pandemic, it can be especially challenging, as there is little distraction to help dissipate these thoughts and in some cases, triggers.

 So, let’s find ways that Valentine’s Day can be a day full of self-love rather than sorrow. This day should be about admiring your inner strength, and celebrating you as a wonderful individual deserving of recognition.

1. Write a love letter to yourself

A personal love letter is a great way to reflect on life, and recognize all the qualities that make you special and unique. It’s similar to telling yourself positive affirmations which help re-frame negative self-talk. The more you tell yourself that you are worthy, kind, smart, and a good human being, the more your mind will believe it. One of the first steps to healing is self-love and a love letter to yourself is a great way to begin or continue the process. This article on Glamour has some amazing examples of letters survivors wrote to themselves.

2. Participate in self care

Why not make Valentine’s Day about treating yourself! Relax and do what makes you feel good. Self care can be as small as doing your makeup (something many people actually find therapeutic) to colouring, writing, taking a bath, going for a walk, speaking with your therapist, or even unplugging from social media.”

3. Be around those you love

We’re in difficult times as the pandemic is still present. However, if you live with friends or family that you like, try initiating a movie or dinner night, and have a fun day of celebrating the ones you love! This day isn’t only for celebrating romantic relationships. If possible, go on a socially distant outdoor walk with a friend to switch things up.

4. Take advantage of the day full of chocolate and bake something delicious

Baking is another act of self care and for many, is extremely relaxing and a great way to unwind and relieve stress. Not only are you creating something delicious but baking actually allows you to express creativity.

5. Call a helpline if you begin to have upsetting thoughts and feelings

There is no shame in calling a helpline on Valentine’s Day. If you need that extra bit of support right now, you should absolutely reach out and get it. Sometimes having someone who doesn’t know you, listen to your problems can be a great relief.

6. Be gentle with yourself

Remember, it’s okay if you feel certain upsetting emotions on Valentine’s Day. Your feelings are valid, and normal so don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re only human and quite frankly doing the best you can. In fact, just reading this article is such a wonderful step. You are loved, and so worthy.

If you are currently in an abusive relationship, we recognize how challenging this day can be and how it can be even more difficult to leave on the days leading up to it. There is a pressure that Valentine’s Day will solve certain issues, and that with flowers, chocolate, perhaps a necklace, this day can be special and peaceful. We recognize that you may be holding onto those grand gestures, those moments of kindness, and that on this day your heart yearns for some form of love. The pressure of any holiday can make it harder to leave, especially the ones that are based on love. Know that you are worthy of kindness and respect. This is not your fault, you are not alone, and you are appreciated and loved. Please, seek support by involving a trusted family member or friend, and contact a hotline that can help guide you in leaving (we will have them listed below).  If you’re in immediate danger call 911."

(Resource Link For Helplines In Canada:   https://www.dawncanada.net/issues/crisis-hotlines/

Sources:  https://www.allure.com/story/valentines-day-guide-for-domestic-violence-survivors"   (https://www.vestasit.com/valentines-day-and-abuse/).

Other Possible Solutions Could Be: 

What is Valentine's Day a Day of:

Have some Hope

Give someone a nice Card.. or even a Picture you drew..

a Watercolor you painted.. or a Poem you just wrote... Today!

Give Love

Share Warm Greetings

Keep on Wishing

Show Appreciation

Give people Happiness

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments;

About: Radical Acceptance (Radically accept the moment you are in; as well as the past.)

Other Solutions to Valentine's Day Disappointments; Emotional Regulation...

DBT Skills: Emotion Regulation and Calming Your Emotions

If experiencing uncomfortable and overwhelming emotions.

Identify and Name my emotions and tell myself it's okay to feel that way.  Or Acknowledge and Validate the emotions.

Manage and then learn ways to Regulate our Emotions. 

Discussion Questions:  

1.  What does Valentine's Day Mean to you?

2.  What would be the best Valentine's Day outcome for you?

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(c. William T. Beverly, Ph.D.).