Wow!!! Why am I here? Now... how did I get here... But What Good Is This??? What is going to do for me or for anyone else??? What Does Anyone Get Out of Being in DV Treatment?

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 Wow!!!  Why am I here?  Now... how did I get here...  What does it do for me?  What's it gonna do for me?  

  I got here.  Now, what do I have to do here?  How is it going to help me?  What's it gonna cost?

By What Good Is This Group or DV Treatment???  

What is this going to do for me or for anyone else???

So now, Think: "Why are you here?"

• Maby I am here to learn how to NOT respond to everything physically or verbally in a confrontive or a defensive way.  Not be so defensive.
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• To learn how to prevent it from happening again.
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• To help people to want to be around me.  Like in a relationship.
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• Maby need to talk about it because that is what lead up to it...  somebody might have gotten hurt or killed. 
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• Might think of a way to help us communicate better.
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• Or to be able to grow and move on from it.
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• I am here because: I might resolve some stuff and then feel like I need this treatment.  I might learn that it doesn't just revolve around that one situation.   
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• I think a lot of people should take this class...  (And if they are willing and able to be open to it; it helps more.)
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• I'm not here because I did a bad thing.  I'm here to change myself... to change the way I handle relationships.  And hopefully in the long run, to be happier.

  

How did I get here?  

•   I got drunk, then I Let my emotions get the best of me, then I got drunker... then I went to see my boyfriend ... He was talking shit to me adn he started talking shit to me... and I was already mad and was not going to let him disengage.. even though he wanted to... he elft, then she followed him home.  And she accused (by him) of breaking his door down.  "I was talking a whole bunch of shit."    She was even admittedly accusing him of this and that too.  "I just snapped."
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What did you learn?  What do you now know?   

• "I learned that sometimes, when I get upset, maybe I say things I should not say."

  What is the purpose of me being here in this DV Group?  

• "My purpose in here is to grow and move on from this and to learn to be less angry and to learn NOT to hit anyone."

  What do I need to do or say to show myself and others that I Can I own my part of why I am here?  

  To learn how to how to be able to say what needed to be said in Group --- that demonstrated serious and sincere ownership.

• "I did something that made him want to get back at me -- that gave him a good excuse to want to get back at me.  I did technically cheat.  I held another person's hand.  That's what I did to get back at him.  He was angry about it.  And it was drinking for 3 days straight too.  And I started drinking, which made everything bad.  That's why when I did not hit him back ot get back at him, he called the cops because he just wanted me to pay for what I did.  He wanted me to be away from him.  It was technically cheating.  I am already with him, married to him and we have moved on as much as we can so I can still learn more and grow from it... so I can avoid doing what I did ever again..."
•   "I learned a lot actually...  that I should not hit people.  That I was taking someone for granted that I loved.  It was a lot of things.  I am still angry about a lot of things.  And I am still trying to get over it."
• But "honestly, all of this brought us closer."

Start Here: What is Abuse?  Really?  

• "Physical, mental, emotional...  
• "Like hurting
• "Taking someone's soul out of their body... Just draining of their energy.. control.."
• "Isolating them."
• Technically, abuse when  one over-uses someone or something to the point of harm of self or other or both.

What is Abuse Made of?

• Violence.  
• Insecurity.
• Anger.
• Frustration.
• Intolerance.
• Revenge.
• Fear.
• Past Traumas.
• A hopeful solution that turns out horribly wrong.

knowledges past/present violent/controlling/abusive Thinking and/or behavior.  (When one says this term below; what do you think?)

• Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive:
• Healthy is communication and working through problems.  But Abusive is fighting, arguing, and maybe even being violent.
• Understand, identify and manage my own pattern of violence.  Like what is your pattern of violence?
• If I get mad, I might become verbally abusive -- unless I can calm myself down and not let it get to me.
• Defining different types of abuse: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation and all other types of DV  
• Coercion -- "Manipulating so that one can maintain control."

• Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples; 
• Identifies specific types of DV engaged in; 
• Physical and verbal abuse.  
• Manipulation.
• Verbal Abuse.  
• Emotional Abuse.
• Drinking and Drug
• Explores motivation for Abusive Thinking and/or Behavior;
• "Feeling hurt, Feeling Cheated, Feeling used or taken advantage of, being manipulated, gaslit, told what to do, drinking, being hurt,"  
• Should be noted that sometimes when we feel we are being hurt, we are actually NOT being hurt. It was our mistaken perception that made us so angry.
• Is able to talk about it without defensiveness or blame;
• Yes.
• Defining all Types of DV including Physical, Verbal, Social, Emotional, Economic, Using Children, Disrespect etc...
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The Goal of Always Doing the Right Thing In Relationships

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      "RIGHT PLACE -- WRONG TIME" Dr. John

  The philosopher Socrates once said, 

  "Let him who would move the world; 

first move himself."

  What does this mean?

  Please tell me:

  How does one know the difference between the right thing and the wrong thing in a relationship?

  Is it possible to always do the right thing no matter what the circumstance?

  Okay sometimes something gets in the way of doing the right thing....  correct?

  Then is it possible to always aim at doing the right thing? No matter what the circumstance?  No matter what gets in the way...

  And is it possible to always have a goal of doing the right thing always trying to reach that goal no matter what in a relationship?

  Please Give me an example of a difficult relationship situation we're doing the right thing could be impossible or at least a challenge?

  In order to do the right thing in a relationship we probably have to first know what is right and what is wrong or at least be open to learning that as we go. Is that correct?

  And what if the right thing to do could be the right thing morally but possibly not the right thing legally or possibly not the right thing pragmatically. Or doing the right thing legally might not exactly be the right thing as far as getting what you want but at least it's the right thing legally.

  If we value having healthy relationships that last then we would probably value doing the right thing in a relationship correct?

  Is the right thing necessarily what keeps the relationship together?  

  And for people who believe in that, wouldn't doing the right thing in relationship be possibly considered a relationship virtue?  

Without violating each other's rights.

   Then comes the question is a virtuous relationship necessarily going to be a happy relationship or is a happy relationship going to necessarily be a virtuous relationship?

  And we know that being virtuous or at least holding on to continuing to work within our own sense of values and ethics or virtuousness helps us really create a solid Persona underneath our skin. Correct?

  Socrates' star student Plato had a set of Cardinal Virtues.  

 
 a

  His Cardinal virtues were essentially wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.

  How might those cardinal virtues apply to this conversation we're having here?

  Discussion questions: 

  "What is one thing that you're pretty sure you did in your relationship that was wrong?" 

  "Now what was one thing you did in your relationship that was right?"