“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams

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Personal Change Plan

Comprehensive Personal Change Plan (By Dr. Beverly, Dec. 2013)

Definiciones para un cambio personal integral

  The DVOMB says that The offender’s Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. The offender shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge. 
  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about:

    --> Identifying triggers.

    --> Identifying cycles of abusive thoughts and behaviors.

    --> Creating A plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

The Commitment / My Commitment: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly to my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?
• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?
• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

1. The first question is, Am I ready to make some changes?
2. Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense
3. If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?
4. Do you need to make more changes?

Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For Example, are there more things that you should do; or have you already done everything that you should -- or that you can at this point?
For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for you to make.

• Learn how to take Time Outs when you need them.
• Learn how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus when needed.
• Respect yourself and others always.
• Plan Ahead so as to prevent problems -- This includes communication.
• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to Trust your partner.
• Avoid Competing with your partner.  
• Don't be afraid to question yourself and your motives some.
• Always be willing to take your time.
• Be Sober.
• Watch out for Red Flags?
• If something in your relationship is Wonderful -- then Please Tell Your Partner About It.
• Always remember to give yourself positive affirmations.
• Be aware of, and be mindful of your Cognitive Distortions.
• Apply what you know about Relationships in order to have healthy relationships
• Listen to, and pay close attention to your Partner. (Put down the phone, Turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.
• Learn How to Argue Respectfully -- To avoid fights -- Always be Respectful.
• Learn to always disagree in a Respectful manner.
• Find things about the Relationship that make you feel Grateful.
• Are you willing to do things differently this time?
• If you feel a need for Treatment or could benefit from Treatment, then go get it.
• Be Careful.  Be Courteous.  Be Patient.  Be Kind.  Be Humble.  Play nice.
• Be aware of your Triggers.  Keep your eye on the Ball.
• Learn how to Negotiate and Compromise and to Navigate with Patience.
• Get in the habit of Road-mapping potentially difficult situations.
• Use Fairness in Decision-Making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).
• Be careful never to Fight and never to be Disrespectful.
• Act with Prevention in Mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the Curve.
• Learn how to appreciate the differences between you and your partner.
• Never be afraid to look at your partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the Relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what you contribute to what they contribute).
• Learn some good rules for Argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be Flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.
• Don't ever try to make your Partner feel Ashamed.
• Stop Keeping Score of things that you do Good for your Partner.
• Stop Keeping Score of things that your Partner did Badly.
• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what you are contributing to the Relationship.
• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that you feel grateful for.
• Believe in Your Self -- Increase Your Self-Esteem.  Do things that make you feel good.
• Strive to have lots of FUN with your partner.
• Look for Positive Solutions -- even in Negative Situations
• Always find different ways to tell your partner that you love her/him when you feel that way.
• Always try to be Patient with your Partner.
• Don't ever Humiliate your Partner. 
• Trying to find Win-Win Solutions. 
• Never be Afraid to Make Positive Changes (Sometimes the Devil you know is safer than the Devil you don't know.  But all the time, the Devil you know is the Devil.)
• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.
• Always be Patient with yourself.  No one is Perfect.
• Never threaten your Partner in any way.
• Always help your Partner feel safe.
• Don't ever call your Partner a Name other than a nice Name.
• And there are many many more ideas on how to have a Healthy Relationship......

Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan.

What do all these words mean -- and how do they relate to my Personal Change Plan? (Qué significa todo esto?)

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious.

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language;  use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, animal or object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  Mostly use by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

  (El Plan de cambio personal del delincuente es un plan escrito para prevenir comportamientos abusivos y desarrollar pensamientos y comportamientos saludables. El infractor deberá diseñar e implementar este plan durante el tratamiento y utilizarlo después del alta.)   (El compromiso / Mi compromiso:

“Por la presente me comprometo a eliminar el comportamiento abusivo; que incluye el uso de intimidación física o violencia, coerción, abuso emocional, verbal o económico, o crueldad psicológica hacia mi cónyuge, pareja y / o hijos. Si me comporto de manera abusiva en el futuro, considero que es mi responsabilidad informar los comportamientos de manera honesta a mis amigos, parientes, agente de libertad condicional u otra parte interesada que me 

responsabilizará ”.)

Compromiso - “Una promesa de hacer o dar algo. : una promesa de ser fiel a alguien o algo. : la actitud de alguien que trabaja muy duro para hacer o apoyar algo ".

Eliminar: eliminar. Para terminar algo.

Comportamiento abusivo: caracterizado por un uso o acción incorrecto o incorrecto; corruptas <prácticas financieras abusivas>; usando un lenguaje ofensivo y duro <un esposo enojado y abusivo>; o físicamente perjudicial.

Intimidación física: invasión en su espacio físico (generalmente definido como aproximadamente a tres pies de distancia de usted) de una manera amenazante, incluso sin contacto. Actos intencionales diseñados para incomodar su entorno físico.

Intimidación verbal: esto puede incluir: gritos, especialmente desde una distancia cercana; uso de maldiciones u otro lenguaje abusivo; uso de lenguaje degradante. Esta forma de intimidación también puede incluir contar repetidamente chistes insultantes o degradantes, referencias a su persona o gestos físicos diseñados para insultarlo o degradarlo como persona.

Violencia física: acciones físicas que están diseñadas para dañar a otra persona, animal u objeto.

Coerción: “La intimidación de una víctima para obligar al individuo a realizar algún acto contra su voluntad mediante el uso de presión psicológica, fuerza física o amenazas. El delito de restringir intencional e ilegalmente la libertad de otra persona al amenazar con cometer un delito, acusar a la víctima de un delito, revelar cualquier secreto que perjudique seriamente la reputación de la víctima en la comunidad, o al realizar o negarse a realizar una acción oficial legalmente solicitada por la víctima, o haciendo que un funcionario lo haga ”. Ver también: Acoso, intimidación e intimidación.

Abuso emocional: “El abuso emocional es cualquier tipo de abuso que es de naturaleza emocional más que física. Puede incluir cualquier cosa, desde el abuso verbal y la crítica constante hasta tácticas más sutiles, como la intimidación, la manipulación y la negativa a sentirse complacido. Principalmente lo utilizan personas inseguras que sienten la necesidad de socavar los sentimientos de las personas hasta el punto de que es absolutamente insoportable y se deben tomar medidas. El abuso emocional no es una broma. La gente dice que no es abuso porque no se está haciendo daño físico, pero eso no es cierto en absoluto. En caso de que no lo hayas conocido antes, las palabras de hecho duelen, y también dejan marcas dentro de nuestros cerebros ”.

Abuso verbal: "Abuso verbal es el uso de palabras para atacar o herir a un individuo, para hacer que uno crea una declaración falsa o para hablar falsamente de un individuo".

Abuso económico: “El abuso económico es una forma de abuso cuando una pareja íntima tiene control sobre el acceso de la otra pareja a los recursos económicos, [1] lo que disminuye la capacidad de la víctima para sostenerse y lo obliga a depender del perpetrador financialmente."

Crueldad psicológica: la destrucción sistemática de la autoestima, la autoimagen, el bienestar psicológico, la reputación o las habilidades cognitivas de una persona, generalmente mediante el uso de violencia, intimidación, coerción o abuso verbal.

Apoyo social: “El apoyo social es la percepción y la actualidad de que uno se cuida, tiene asistencia disponible de otras personas y que forma parte de una red social de apoyo. Estos recursos de apoyo pueden ser emocionales (p. Ej., Cuidados), tangibles (p. Ej., Asistencia financiera), informativos (p. Ej., Asesoramiento) o compañía (p. Ej., Sentido de pertenencia) e intangibles (p. Ej., Asesoramiento personal) ".

Rendición de cuentas: "El estado de rendir cuentas, ser responsable o responder". O "" Una elección personal para superar las circunstancias y demostrar la propiedad necesaria para lograr los resultados deseados: verlo, poseerlo, resolverlo y hacerlo. " Esta definición incluye una mentalidad o actitud de preguntar continuamente: "¿Qué más puedo hacer para superar mis circunstancias y lograr los resultados que deseo?" Requiere un nivel de propiedad que incluye hacer, mantener y responder a los compromisos personales ".

Prevención: "El acto o práctica de evitar que algo malo suceda: el acto de prevenir algo".

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(First Posted, 7/6/2020)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).