"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a charge related to Domestic Violence; then perhaps it is because I have some sort a glitch in my thinking, my communications and/or perceptions when it comes to relationships.  But if this glitch adjusted properly; I might be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life.  Hence, it could be a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  One good question to ponder at this time could be: Am I up for making some sort of a change in my life and the way I conduct myself while in relationships?    

  If so, then what about making a Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior?

  Admittedly, sometimes, we just cannot see to stop abusive behavior from happening, other times, we know that we can.  But what if it is me who is doing the abusing?  Or even worse, what if it is me who is accused of doing the abusive behavior?

  What can I do?  Take accountability for it; walk away; take a minute; stop and think about it; take nice deep breaths; get some help; and/or make a change: 

  According to AI: "The likelihood of reoffending for a misdemeanor domestic violence offender is high, with studies showing rates as high as 53.5% within a certain timeframe. Several factors increase this risk, including a history of prior offenses (especially serious ones) and substance abuse.

  Other studies indicate that one-third to over half of domestic violence offenders may be re-arrested for a new crime, though not always a violent one. 

  "These are results for what is the likelihood that a misdemeanor domestic violence offender will reoffend?  

   What might be some of the factors that increase the likelihood of reoffending:

Prior criminal history: offenders with previous criminal convictions are significantly more likely to reoffend.

Severity of prior convictions: A more serious prior conviction increases the likelihood of a new conviction.

Substance abuse: offenders who violate sobriety orders have a much higher likelihood of reoffending.

Age: Younger offenders have been found to have higher recidivism rates.

Number of prior arrests: The more an individual interacts with the criminal justice system, the more likely they are to have future contacts. 

 Other Important Considerations include:

Varying recidivism rates: Different studies report varying recidivism rates depending on the time period studied, the population, and the specific metrics used (e.g., new arrest vs. new conviction).

Type of offense: While some re-offenses are for violent crimes, others maybe for less serious offenses, such as probation violations.

Effectiveness of (DV Treatment) programs: The effectiveness of common court-mandated batterer intervention programs in reducing recidivism is debated, as some research suggests they do not significantly reduce re-offense rates or change attitudes about violence, though this area is still being researched" (Source).

 The bottom line is that many of us need to be open to making positive changes in our lives in order to avoid committing more domestic violence against the people who we say that we love.

 

Speaking of Change:

  Realistically, what percentage of people who have done abusive behavior in their past are willing and capable of making such a change? 

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change, I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this: 

     - having the courage to change the things that I can change, and 

     - having the wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things         that I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- serenity, courage, or wisdom?  Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though -- right?  If so, then we probably need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had a prior DV event -- and/or a prior DV Charge is a risk factor, can I change that risk factor?  Or is it permanent?  This is what is known as a static risk factor, because one cannot change the past.   

  However, one probably can change whether or not the potential still exists.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major risk factor, then one could possibly change his or her potential for DV by drinking or not drinking alcohol.

  What about making changes within a given relationship?  Could one make changes within the relationship that could possibly impact the future probability of having DV in that relationship?  Yes, possibly. However, it may require that both partners want to make a change.  

  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners might need to be involved in the change.  

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question.)
• A desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The knowledge and skills needed to get through the change.
• The right tools for the change (i.e., help from others, patience, commitment, and perhaps even courage...).

  In some cases, courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes courage.  What is courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like changes might require courage, wisdom and commitment.

  So what does courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when one needs help.
• Courage helps one ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes courage to really listen to oneself.
• It often takes courage to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot change.
• It may take courage to change the things that I can change.  
• It could take courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward: rather than backwards.
• It may take serenity to Accept things I cannot change.
• And it probably takes wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I cannot change.

  

Things that one might have the courage to change could be related to:

• Quitting alcohol or drug use.
• How one handles their anger.
• One's attitude.
• One's peer group.
• How one thinks about certain things.
• How one reacts to certain things.
• How one feels about certain things.
• One's level of accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's behavior.  The courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

Think about it: What might each type of courage below look like as one considers making the changes that one could make in order to prevent any DV-type thinking, DV-type feeling or DV-type behavior in the future?

• Physical courage
• Social courage
• Moral courage
• Emotional courage
• Intellectual courage
• Spiritual courage

Discussion Questions: 

Question #1: In what was has your sense of courage helped you make changes that have helped you recover from having Domestic Violence in your life?

Question #2: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a victim?

Question #3: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a perpetrator?

Getting Your Personal Change Plan Done -- AGAIN!!!

  Sometimes people might get tired of hearing that they need to put together another Personal Change Plan.  Question: Would I rather have changes that just happen to me -- and even effect me in a bad way?  Or would I rather make the plan myself and hopefully do better in the long run?  The bottom line is that Personal Change is an ongoing thing and one can make a new Personal Change Plan monthly, weekly, or even daily if they really want to.

  From one planning period to another; hopefully things are changing for the better.  It is hoped that anyone who is reading this for the second or third time is doing better now than they were doing when they did their previous plan.

  It might be good somewhere along the lines to think of making a new plan -- The first question being: What progress have I made since the last time I was in the position of making a new plan?

What's all this about the Commitment to Positive Personal Change?   

  Frankly, if one has not yet come to a point where she or he can see a need for some Personal Changes; then one ought to try and think about it some more.  How did I get into this mess?  What is one thing about me, or something that I thought, or something that I did that helped contribute to this tragic series of events?  The fact is that I was there.  Regardless of innocence or guilt, I was there.  Regardless of my intent or my actual thoughts and behaviors that day, I was arrested, charged, prosecuted and here I am.

  What reasonable person would not want to see some sort of a positive change at this point?  So come on!  What are some things that I could change that would help make sure that I never again end up in such a situation?

  

Keep that in mind as we move forward; One foot after another.

 

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado says that The Personal Change Plan is a written plan for preventing abusive behaviors and also for developing healthy thoughts and behaviors. It further says that everyone here "shall design and implement this plan during treatment and utilize it after discharge."                                     

  The Personal Change Plan primarily encourages a person to really think about the following among other things:

 

    --> Identifying his or her triggers. 

    --> Identifying his or her cycles of abusive thoughts.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive words.

    --> Identifying his or her abusive behaviors.

    --> Coming up with thoughts, words and behaviors that can help him or her turn otherwise 

          potentially abusive situations into situations that are no longer abusive.

    --> Creating a plan for preventing or interrupting the triggers and cycles. 

This is My Promise; My Commitment to Personal Change: 

  “I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior; which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report or discuss these behaviors honestly with my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.”

Then we are asked to think about and list the following: 

• The ways I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind are by?  How might I do this???

• The ways I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by?  How might I make this happen???

• If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following?  What are some resources that I have that might help me prevent such a situation?

Some questions to ask yourself as you do this include:

• Am I ready to make some changes?

• Think about It at this point, what kinds of changes have I already made since the DV Offense?

• If I have already made some changes in my life that impact how I hold my Relationships; Are the changes I made working for me?  Or do I need to tweak them around a bit?

• Do you need to make more changes?

 A Good Starter List of Possible Personal Changes to Plan for that Could Help One Prevent DV Is Below:

  Think about it NOW -- Given what I have already learned and I've already changed:   What kinds of changes do I need to make now in order to avoid DV in the future?    For example, are there more things that I should do; or have I already done everything that I should -- or that I can at this point?
  For example here are some ideas that might inspire some more good changes for me to make.

• Learn how to take time outs when I need them.

• Learn how to use stop, breathe and focus when needed.

• Respect yourself and others always.

• Plan ahead in order to prevent problems -- This includes communication.

• Don't spy on your partner.  Learn how to trust my partner.

• Avoid competing with my partner.  Create Win-Win situations.

• Don't be afraid to question myself and my motives some.

• Always be willing to take my time.

• Be sober.

• Watch out for red flags?

• If something in my relationship is wonderful -- then It might be good to tell my partner about It.

• Always remember to give myself positive affirmations.

• Be aware of and be mindful of my Cognitive Distortions.

• Apply what I know about relationships in order to have healthy relationships

• Listen to and pay close attention to my partner. (put down the phone, turn off the TV etc..) when it's time to communicate about important things.

• Learn how to argue respectfully -- To avoid fights -- always be respectful.

• Learn to always disagree in a respectful manner.  Create Win-Win solutions.

• Find things about the relationship that make me feel happy, safe and grateful.

• Am I willing to do things differently this time?

• If you feel a need for treatment or could benefit from treatment, then go get it.

• Be careful.  Be courteous.  Be patient.  Be kind.  Be humble.  Play nice.

• I should try to be aware of my triggers.  Try to avoid or prevent situations that tend to trigger me.  Keep my eye on the ball.

• Learn how to negotiate and compromise and to navigate with patience.

• Get in the habit of road-mapping potentially difficult situations.

• Use fairness in decision-making (means everyone agrees or it is not yet fair).

• Be careful never to fight and never to be disrespectful.

• Act with prevention in mind.  Prevent problems.  Get ahead of the curve.

• Learn how to appreciate the differences between me and my partner.  

• Try to learn new things from your partner on a regular basis. 

• Never be afraid to look at my partner honestly in terms of what they are contributing to the relationship.  (But the secret is -- try not to compare what I contribute to what they contribute).

• Learn some good rules for argument: One thing at a time.  Listen.  Be flexible.  The objective is to solve the problem; not to win.

• Don't ever try to make my partner feel ashamed.

• Stop keeping score of things that I do good for my partner.

• Stop keeping score of things that my partner did badly.

• Never be afraid to look at yourself honestly in terms of what I am contributing to the relationship.

• Always be willing to re-think conclusions that do not yield win-win results.

• Wake up every morning and try to think of some things that I feel grateful for.

• Believe in my self -- Increase my self-esteem.  Do things that make me feel good.

• Strive to have lots of FUN with my partner.

• Look for positive solutions -- even in negative situations

• Always find different ways to tell your partner that I love her or him when I feel that way.

• Remember to try and be patient with my partner.

• Don't ever humiliate my partner. 

• Trying to find Win-Win solutions. 

• Never be afraid to make positive changes (sometimes the devil you know is safer than the devil you don't know.  But all the time, the devil you know is the devil.)

• Learn how to give without expecting anything in return.

• Always be patient with myself.  No one is perfect.

• Never threaten my partner in any way.  Don't threaten or scare anyone.

• Always help my partner feel safe.

• Don't ever call my partner a name other than a nice name.

• Takes some time to jot down all the great things about my partner.

• Make a list of fun and healthy things that I could do to become a better partner.

• And there are many more ideas on how to have a healthy relationship......

MORE IDEAS for A GOOD Personal Change Plan:

  Consider and learn how to develop some of the following patterns of thinking, behaviors and traits:

Social Support -- "Social support is the perception and actuality that one is cared for, has assistance available from other people, and that one is part of a supportive social network. These supportive resources can be emotional (e.g., nurturance), tangible (e.g., financial assistance), informational (e.g., advice), or companionship (e.g., sense of belonging)and intangible (e.g. personal advice).”  It is frequently a great idea to seek support from trusted friends, family and professionals.

Accountability – “The state of being accountable, liable, or answerable.” Or “"A personal choice to rise above one's circumstances and demonstrate the ownership necessary for achieving desired results—to See It, Own It, Solve It, and Do It." This definition includes a mindset or attitude of continually asking, "What else can I do to rise above my circumstances and achieve the results I desire?" It requires a level of ownership that includes making, keeping and answering for personal commitments.”

Prevention -- “The act or practice of stopping something bad from happening : the act of preventing something.”

Trust and Support -- "Supporting her/his goals in life. Respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions." 

Respect -- "Listening to her/him non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others point of view. It means being open to being wrong; It means accepting people as they are;  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day;  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable;  It means not dissing people because they're different to you; and It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies."

Negotiation and Fairness -- "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise."  This often requires a bit of patience.

Responsible Parenting -- "Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."

Non-Threatening Behavior -- "Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things."

Shared Responsibility -- "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together."

Economic Partnership -- "Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."

Honesty and Accountability -- "Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."

  Perhaps we can put things such as those mentioned directly below to an end in our lives.  And then we can move forward in a much better way as we learn how to employ the following ideas in our relationships.  Below are some Definitions related to the Personal Change Plan...  It would be really good to try and learn what all these words mean -- and how they could relate to -- and even improve -- a good Personal Change Plan? 

Commitment – “A promise to do or give something. : a promise to be loyal to someone or something. : the attitude of someone who works very hard to do or support something.”

Eliminate (Like to eliminate abusive behavior) – To do away with. To end something.

Abusive behavior – Characterized by wrong or improper use or action; (for example: corrupt <abusive financial practices>; using harsh insulting language <an angry and abusive husband>; or physically injurious).

Physical intimidation -- Encroachment into your physical space (usually defined as approximately three feet away from you) in a manner that is threatening, even without contact.  This could also include Purposeful acts designed to make your physical environment uncomfortable.

Verbal Intimidation -- This can include: shouting, especially from a near distance; use of cursing or other abusive language; use of demeaning language.  This form of intimidation may also include repeated telling of insulting or demeaning jokes, references to your person, or physical gestures designed to insult or demean you as a person.

Physical violence – Physical actions that are designed to harm another person, an animal or an object.

Coercion – “The intimidation of a victim to compel the individual to do some act against his or her will by the use of psychological pressure, physical force, or threats. The crime of intentionally and unlawfully restraining another's freedom by threatening to commit a crime, accusing the victim of a crime, disclosing any secret that would seriously impair the victim's reputation in the community, or by performing or refusing to perform an official action lawfully requested by the victim, or by causing an official to do so.”  See also: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying.  Blackmail is a word that is often used to describe Coercion.

Emotional abuse – “Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased.  It is mostly used by insecure people who feel the need to undermine people's feelings to the point where it is absolutely unbearable and action must be taken.  Emotional abuse is not a joke. People say it’s not abuse because there's not physical harm being done, but that is not true at all. In case you might of not known before, words do in fact hurt, and they leave marks inside our brains as well.”  And emotional abuse often leads to physical harm.

Verbal abuse – “Verbal Abuse is use of words to attack or injure an individual, to cause one to believe an untrue statement, or to speak falsely of an individual.”  Verbal abuse also is sometimes an indicator of physical abuse that is about to come.

Economic abuse --  “Economic abuse is a form of abuse when one intimate partner has control over the other partner's access to economic resources,[1] which diminishes the victim's capacity to support him/herself and forces him/her to depend on the perpetrator financially.”

Blaming the Victim --  "A devaluing act where the victim of a crime, an accident, or any type of abusive maltreatment is held as wholly or partially responsible for the wrongful conduct committed against them.  Victim blaming can appear in the form of negative social reactions from legal, medical, and mental health professionals, as well as from the media and immediate family members and other acquaintances.  Traditionally, this has emerged in racist and sexist forms.  The reason for victim blaming can be attributed to the misconceptions about victims, perpetrators, and the nature of violent acts."  

Psychological cruelty – The systematic destruction of a person’s self-esteem, self-image, psychological well-being, reputation, or cognitive abilities typically through the use of violence, intimidation, coercion or verbal abuse.

*** Click on this Link to Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 

(First Posted, 7/6/2020; Originally penned 2013.)

Sources: Some Definitions from online sources including: Merriam Webster Dictionary, the Legal Dictionary, Ladybug Books, The Urban Dictionary,  Ask.com, Wikipedia, and ASME.  Also Equality and Power and Control Wheel Definitions from Duluth, MN.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

The Domestic Violence Treatment Progress Assessment (or the D.V.T.P.A.): Great Practice for Successfully Completing DV Treatment

   There are some important questions that a person should be able to answer in a meaningful way when they are ready to discharge from DV Treatment.

  This exercise is intended to help you figure out what else you need to know about in order to complete DV treatment.  Please Note: Studying and completing the attached Worksheet does not mean that you are ready for discharge.  More so, this is an exercise to help you and your treatment provider determine when you could be ready for discharge.

  There are two parts.  One part is the DV Treatment Progress Assessment (DVTPA).  This instrument helps you and your treatment provider get an idea of your progress in treatment.

  The second part of this process is the aftercare plan in which one assesses their current state of being in terms of healthy relationships and/or possibility of never again having Domestic Violence in his or her life.  Then one makes a plan for how they are going to remain free of DV in the future; as well as remain free of the negative effects of any potential risk factors in their lives.  

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE TREATMENT PROGRESS ASSESSMENT (DVTPA):

Some Treatment Progress Assessment Items are as follows:

POSSIBLE CHALLENGES To Successfully Completing DV Treatment: (Have you found that your treatment progress has been negatively impacted by any of these (or other) potential challenges?):

1. "Not accountable with community supervision and treatment conditions
2. Using alcohol or illicit drugs
3. Not maintaining stable employment
4. Not maintaining stable living arrangements
5. Not compliant with psychiatric and medical recommendations
6. Hostility
7. Stalking dynamics/obsession with the victim
8. Suicidal/Homicidal"

 

Competency Areas to Master.  (Think about these areas of emotional, cognitive, behavioral health.  Where do you stand within the context of your treatment, and in terms of your treatment progress?):     

  Keep in mind: Someone might believe that mastering a competency here means he or she does not ever have to visit it again; or does not have anything else to learn about healthy relationships or preventing DV.  But that's not necessarily true.  Because each new relationship is going to be different -- Regardless of whether or not it's a romantic relationship.  A wise person will be revisiting and gaining new insights into ideas like this possibly for the rest of their life.

1.  "Actively participates in treatment.

2.  Confronts (and/or supports) others appropriately in group.

3.  Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior.

4.  Eliminates manipulative behavior.

5.  Completes personal change plan drafts and final version.

6.  Demonstrates and acknowledges development of empathy for the victim.

7.  Accepts full responsibility for offense and abusive behavior.

        *Denial level (If applicable)

8.  Understands pattern of power and control issues.

9.  Does not view themselves as the victim.

10.  Accepts consequences of abusive behavior.

11.  Challenges cognitive distortions.

12.  Define types of violence.

13.  Identifies & manages personal pattern of violence.

14.  Understanding of inter-generational effects of violence.

15.  Uses appropriate, respectful & effective communication skills.

16.  Offender understands and uses “time-out” & stop, breathe & focus techniques.

17.  Recognizes financial responsibility.

18.  Not engaging in any known forms of violence & abuse.

19.  Understands distorted view of self, others & relationships.

20. Identifies chronic abusive beliefs about victim and thought patterns that support abusive behavior

21.  Uses pro-social community supports.

22.  Understands cycle of violence.

23. Positive parenting skills with children. (living with biological children)

24. Demonstrates appropriate interaction with children and partner in a co-parenting or step-parenting situation (client a step-parent or visiting parent)

25.  Understands healthy sexual behaviors & consent."

STRENGTHS: (How are you regarding the following Strengths?):

• "Pro-Social friends
• Social activity
• Spirituality
• Happiness
• Creativity
• Fun time/hobbies
• Health"

(Davies & Associates)

Another part of this is understanding the basic Principles of Equality in Relationship:

• Trust and Support:  Supporting her/his goals in life, respecting her/his right to her/his own feelings, friends, activities, and opinions. 

• Respect: Listening to her/his non-judgmentally.  Being emotionally affirming and understanding.  Valuing her/his opinions.  This term essentially means valuing each others points of views. It means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are.  It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day.  It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable.  It means not dissing people because they're different to you.  It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies.

• Negotiation and Fairness: Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict.  Accepting changes.  Being willing to compromise.

• Responsible Parenting: Sharing parental responsibilities.  Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children.

• Non-Threatening Behavior: Talking and acting so that he or she feels safe and comfortable expressing her/his-self and doing things.

• Shared Responsibility: Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.  Making family decisions together.

• Economic Partnership: Making money decisions together.  Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

• Honesty and Accountability: Accepting responsibility for self.  Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully.

The Third Part of this process if keeping an Ongoing Personal Change Plan:

• Am I ready to make changes in my mind that would allow for me agreeing to this?   I hereby commit to eliminate abusive behavior, which includes the use of physical intimidation or violence, coercion, emotional, verbal or economic abuse, or psychological cruelty toward my spouse, partner and/or children.  If I do behave abusively in the future, I consider it my responsibility to report the behaviors honestly to my friends, relatives, probation officer or other interested party who will hold me accountable.

• Am I ready to make changes and make room for this?  The way I am going to prevent abusive behavior of any kind is by:

• Am I ready to make changes and make room for this?  The way I am going to change my thinking so my thoughts and behaviors will be healthy is by:

• Am I ready to make changes and make room for this?  If I realize I am in danger of becoming abusive I will do the following:

The Fourth Part of this Process is Aftercare Planning:  

AFTERCARE PLANNING is the act of planning for how one will care for himself or herself after treatment is completed so as to never again commit DV-type behaviors and therefore never again end up with a DV-related charge. Hence, the overall question is: Have you developed an aftercare plan that could help you do the following:

A. Continue to be fully accountable your previous DV offense? 

B. Continue to heal from your previous DV offense?  and

C. Continue to make changes to your life that will help you better prevent DV-type behaviors and offenses in the future? 

   Here, take a look at the following questions and think about how you might answer them: 

(Questions to consider as you move along successfully include)

1.  "What effect has this domestic violence offender treatment program had on your life?

2.  What changes have you noticed about yourself, you relationship, your lifestyle, or your attitude from when you first started treatment until now?

3.  What did you learn about the cycle of violence?

4.  What are the consequences of violence?

5.  How do you communicate with your partner and express your feelings?

6.  Describe the steps you use when taking a “time out”?

7.  What do you take responsibility for in your specific domestic violence incident?

8.  What are you major goals in your personal relationships?  (3 or more)

9.  What have you done to make amends to the victim?

10. What are options you have to acting out violently? (activities, exercise, meditation, etc.)

11. Who are the people that you rely on to help you understand your thoughts and feelings?  Talk about how they are supportive to you."

12. Name three general attitudes or ways of thinking that you plan to hold in order to keep yourself from ever again committing DV-Type Behaviors or being charged with a DV-related Offense.  

(SLVBHG)

*** Please CLICK HERE to

Complete your Adapted DVTPA Worksheet *** 

Please CLICK HERE to Complete

Your Session Feedback Form!!!

*** AND Once have completed the above, 

you can CLICK HER TO move on to 

the Treatment Planning for Success Section. ***

Sources: 

(DVTPA by Davies and Associates)

(AFTER CARE PLAN Questions by SLVBHG)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Getting Ready to Take Full Accountability For My Domestic Violence Offense and Moving Forward: What Is Real-Time Accountability?

  Do I have an understanding of what Accountability means to me?  

  Yes.  Hopefully.

  Or at least my sense of it is growing every day and moving forward.

  But the first thing to know about Accountability is that it does not have to be about Blame, Shame or Guilt.  It is much better when it's about accurate assessment of the past; and prevention for the future.  It's about Moving Forward.  Not as much about what I did; but probably more so about what I could do in the future to make it better.

  The point here is that Accountability can be looked at from at least two or three different directions: 1. Looking at Accountability from my past and being Accountable for the past.  And another direction -- one that I greatly prefer -- 2. Looking at Accountability as the idea of being  Accountable in the future.

  In other words, a good sense of accountability now can help prevent problems as we move forward.

  And likewise, accountability can quite possibly  make future relationships much better as well.

  If I do take Accountability; can I take Accountability this way?   

  Do I even want to be accountable?  

  Can I take Accountability for things that have not even happened yet?

  

  Can I take Accountability for my future relationships?

  Can I be Accountable?  Will I be accountable..?  

  Am I ready for this next step?  

  Am I ready to move forward?

  Am I really ready to move on in a positive direction?  If so, then I must be ready to take Accountability for my Domestic Violence (DV) Offense -- past, present and future. 

 

  But why is Accountability so important to the Process of Positive Change, Healing and Recovery from a DV Offense? 

  Accountability is ultimately something that WE DO FOR OURSELVES!

 

  Accountability is important for positive change, healing and recovery because in order to move forward in any way, one must first own their Offense.  

  And the best known way to do this is for us to be willing and able to voluntarily walk through the Passageway of accountability under our own steam, do the work, and then begin to look forward to the hope of a more positive future.  

  It's about narrowing my Offense down to what I did, who it hurt, and then owning up to it.  

  It may also include thinking about damages to others who were hurt because someone did something in reaction to what I did to them.

  It can seem like a simple concept -- Accountability -- but there are a whole lot of things to consider when considering this very important step -- Including Past, Present and Future. 

  It may sound strange, but Accountability ultimately moves out in front of us.....  It's important that we can try our best to be Accountable for what we do in the future as well.  We as human beings, have that ability to kind of in our minds and with determination, be in three places at one time -- that is: In our past, in our present situation, and in our future -- all at one time.

  That means, I am paying attention.. that means I have a stake in this.  that means, I am responsible.  And in many cases, that also means, I am going to do my best... what ever that is...

  Moving Forward Now...

Consider this for Example:

  What is Accountability?  In Psychology, Accountability is the condition of having to answer, explain, or justify one's actions or beliefs to another (person).  It often includes the possibility that you will be held responsible and (even) punished if your acts cannot be justified, or (even) rewarded if your actions are justified (Accountability Defined)

  In Health and Social Care in the UK,  Accountability means being responsible to someone (including yourself), or being responsible for some action, and that you are able to explain what you do.  Being accountable therefore involves being prepared to describe and justify (or account for) your actions to others so that they can decide whether you have fulfilled what is expected of you. (Accountability Meaning).

  In Law according to some people, Accountability refers to the processes, norms, and structures that hold the population and public officials legally responsible for their actions and that impose sanctions if they violate the law.

  Accountability is essential if systemic threats to the rule of law are to be corrected. 

  This involves ensuring (that) there are consequences for  criminal behavior; mechanisms to address impunity for past crimes; and horizontal accountability (state institutions overseeing the actions of one another (state institution) and vertical accountability ((meaning) citizens overseeing the actions of the state). (Accountability to the Law).

  In Philosophy: “Accountability demands that a person be a moral interlocutor (a critical thinker); being a moral interlocutor requires that a person is alert to moral reasons in favor of or against the behavior in question and requires that a person is a discursive (reasonable and/or rational) partner.” (Source.)

 

So Then, What is Accountability in Domestic Violence: A Specific Type of Accountability?

  According to the Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's "Standards for Domestic Violence Offender Treatment" (2020) Accountability has a DV-Specific definition in Section G. 

  It means: "Offender Accountability (Refer to 4.0 Appendix) is defined as accepting responsibility for one’s abusive behaviors, including accepting the consequences of those behaviors, actively working to repair the harm, and preventing future abusive behavior. 

  Accountability goes beyond taking ownership; it is taking corrective actions to foster safety and health for the victim.  The offender demonstrates behavioral changes to alleviate the impact of offender’s abusive words and/or actions regardless of the influence of anyone else’s words or actions (Refer to 4.0 Appendix). 

So Then, What Is Accountability Moving Forward: Real-Time Accountability

  The Concept of :Real-Time, per Word-Hippo when something is Real-Time, it is essentially: "Existing, happening, or done at the same time. concurrent. immediate. instantaneous. actual."  

  Meanwhile, Real-Time Accountability might also include having Full Awareness, Attention to Impact on Self and on Others.  And a sense of  Empathy at the same time as the event.  

  With Real-Time Accountability is me being accountable before, during and after something that happens... so as to hopefully be able to prevent it from happening.

    According to the DVOMB, Another way to put Accountability would be that: 

• We Recognize and eliminate all minimizations of abusive behavior.  Without prompts, we identify our own abusive behaviors. 

• We Demonstrate full ownership for our actions and (we) accept the consequences of these actions (Bancroft & Silverman, 2002). 

• We demonstrate an understanding of patterns for past abusive actions and we acknowledge the need to plan for future self-management -- without abuse.  And further we agree to create the structure that makes accountability possible (Pence & Paymar, 1993). 

• We accept that our partner or former partner, and our children may continue to challenge us regarding past or current behaviors.  (In short, they might want to talk about our Offense long after we are tired of it.  But we really must entertain that... for everyone's sake).

• And Should we behave abusively in the future, we consider it our responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to our friends, relatives, and/or to our probation officer, and/or to others who will hold us accountable. (Bancroft and Silverman, 2002) (Colorado D.V.O.M.B., p. 41, (Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards)).  

• So does this mean that I got to rat myself out?  No.  What it means is that sometimes we do a lot better if we can share things we did with other people with whom we can speak honestly about it.  And they can in turn, reflect for us, what they are seeing.  And sometimes that can be very helpful.

  And there is also another part of Accountability  -- this part could be Accountability for things that turned out to be good.  It can also grow exponentially.  For example, the more accountable we are with ourselves and others, the more we are trusted and respected by others.  And the more we do the same for ourselves.  We end up being more confident and that can be a very good thing.

  So pat yourself on the back and take more Accountability as you go.  This is Real-Time Accountability.  When we take Accountability as we are moving forward, we are doing Real-Time Accountability.  We can do this!

  To put it bluntly --- Accountability is frequently the Pre-Cursor to Positive Change in Relationships.  In other words, one has to have Accountability in order to make meaningful change.

            So again; Are you ready for Accountability? 

  If so, tell me this: What does Accountability mean to you?  

  Remember, the ultimate idea here is to learn how to hold ourselves accountable in Real-Time.

 

Please Consider the following Quotes about accountability:

• “When I’m at the bottom looking up, the main question may not be ‘how do I get out of this hole?’ In reality, the main question might be ‘how do I get rid of the shovel that I used to dig it?”
• ― Craig D. Lounsbrough, A View from the Front Porch: Encounters with Life and Jesus

 -- Dr. B says: So if I am in a hole so to speak; chances are I helped dig the hole myself.  So I need to be accountable for the problem and for the solution.  Right???

 

• “A body of men holding themselves accountable to nobody ought not to be trusted by anybody.”
• ― Thomas Paine

 

• “What if we had to give an account each night before we went to sleep of the one thing that we did to make life brighter for someone else? 
• -- Catherine Pulsifer”

 

• “Accept responsibility for your life. Know that it is you who will get you where you want to go, no one else.”
• ― Les Brown

-- Dr. B adds, Though others often make a tremendous difference in our successes; we are ultimately responsible for our primary drive in life.

 

• “If you think someone or something other than yourself is responsible for your happiness or success, I'd guess you're not that happy or successful.”
• ― Rob Liano

 

• "How can we resent the life we've created for ourselves? Who's to blame, who's to credit, but us? Who can change it, any time we wish, but us?"
• -- Richard Bach, Poems about Life

Becoming a Life-Long Learner:

  If I am not learning what to do; I ought to be learning what not to do.  

  Another idea here in our search for Accountability could be to become a Life-Long Learner about "How to have Healthy and More Fulfilling Relationships in Real-Time."

  If I really want to have a better life with a higher quality of relationships, then I should probably start now.  And few things can help get something started like good information.  There is no time like now to begin learning about this important topic.  There are many sources.  

  For example, anyone with a Smart Phone, with Google or some other Search Engine; has a ton of knowledge at their fingertips.  Just pick up your cell phone and type in "How to have a healthy Relationship."

  Full Accountability and recognition of the influences and contributions of others might just be some of the keys to having a more fulfilling life as well as happier and healthier relationships.

  Think about it.. we are more genuine -- when we are more ourselves -- particularly when we are not blaming anyone.  And we are taking our accountability in-hand in real time and essentially doing accountability with every breath.

Finally:

  In order to complete DV Offender Treatment, in Dr. B's DV Offender Treatment Program one must successfully complete and present a satisfactory Accountability Letter.  

  One of the reasons that DV Offender Treatment often takes more than six months is because an Accountability letter (even the practice letter you are doing today) should demonstrate that we are taking full Accountability for our DV Offense.  

  Attached is a copy of a very brief Accountability Letter Practice Outline Worksheet.  Please take a few minutes and fill in the answers to the questions on this Worksheet and then press "Submit" in order to hand them in to Dr. B.  

  Then we can discuss your level of Accountability in a future Session.  

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Remember: All of the Assigned Worksheets that are listed at the bottom of the Weekly Blog Post Really Must Be Completed That Week.  This Week's Assignements are Below:

 *** Please click here in order to complete 

      the Practice Accountability Letter Worksheet. *** 

  *** Click Here to Complete you Newest Personal Change Plan  ***  This will help show that you are truly willing and able to Take Accountability.

  *** Complete Your Session Feedback Form Here. *** 

  Have a Wonderful Week!  And Don't forget to pay for your Sessions at the PayPal / Debit / Credit Card Buttons on the Top-Right of the BLOG.

(Originally Published 4/20/2020; Revised 2/5/2024.)

Sources:

Psychology (2020), Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability Defined

Checkland et al, (2004), Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability Meaning

U.S. Institute of Peace , Retrieved 4/17/2020 from: Accountability to the Law