The Power of Respect When it Comes to Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Basically, when one commits Domestic Violence, he or she is committing a serious form of Disrespect toward his or her partner, as well as Disrespect towards both families, and ultimately, Disrespect toward his or her self.

  Formally speaking, there could be Two Assumptions about Respect and its relationship with DV:

1. DV happens largely as result of either unilateral disrespect or mutual disrespect (i.e., Disrespect coming from one person; and/or Disrespect coming from BOTH people.).

2. A person has to respect his or herself before he or she can truly respect others.  

About the value of Respect, Clint Eastwood once said: 

"Respect your efforts, respect yourself.  Self-respect leads to self discipline.  When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power."

  In other words, real power comes from BOTH Respecting Yourself and having Self-Discipline at the same time.

That being said, Respect can be a very complex topic:
  For example, some people confuse fear with Respect.  Some people think that if they make me afraid, they automatically get my respect.  Whereas what may have actually happened, is that what they really got was my attention and possibly even my fear; but not my respect.  If we want Respect; we need to understand that making someone else afraid of us is not a healthy way to get respect.
  It is important to understand that Respect is probably most wisely given and/or earned in a non-violent way without fear, without threats, without violence or even without disrespect. 
  Because Fear and Respect are two completely different things.

Malcolm X once said: “Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. That's a good religion.”

  More about Malcom X and Respect: For all of his great qualities and his good deeds; Even Malcolm X had a bit of confusion between "giving" Respect (Meaning: Give Respect No Matter What); and "giving" Respect on a conditional basis -- in other words, he said we should give respect; except when someone put their hands on us.  Whereas many others suggest that Giving Respect; was an unconditional thing -- a.k.a.: Give Respect especially if someone puts their hands on you; unless of course you are defending yourself or others out of necessity.  Some feel that one should attack someone who attacks you.  Others believe that we should instead learn to turn the other cheek if someone attacks you.

  And Self-Respect is also very important in relationships. Without Self-Respect, a person is sometimes an unattractive suiter.  One person in History who definitely respected herself was Susan B. Anthony.  As she was advocating in 1872 for the Right of Women to Vote in the United States of America.  She did great things.  At the same time, she was careful about where she put her energy.  She once said: 

"No self respecting woman should wish or work for the success of a party that ignores her sex.”  

  Anthony was apparently demanding that Women should have enough self-respect to be careful which side they choose, as they are fighting to be given enough respect by the male Lawmakers in the U.S.A. to be allowed to Vote. 

So Then, What is Fear?

  Fear is: “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”  Fear is often accomplished through Intimidation.
  Intimidation is to: “frighten or overawe (someone), esp. in order to make them do what one wants.  For example, one might say about a professional wrestler: "he tries to intimidate his rivals"”  And he might do it in many ways.  There are different types of Intimidation including Verbal, Physical Intimidation, Social Intimidation, and there is even Professional Intimidation.

  On the other hand, Respect is: “a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, their qualities, or their achievements.”  Such as many golfers would certainly Respect Tiger Woods' abilities on the Golf Course.
  People don’t necessarily admire me when they fear me.  When people are afraid of me, they don't necessarily respect me.  People do not necessarily respect me if they fear me.

  On the other hand, sometimes Fear and Respect seem to go together --  For example: when a boss is trying to get his or her workers to do a job safely, some might respect him or her; whereas others might not.  Some employees might do the job in an unsafe way because they do not respect their Boss or themselves.  In such cases, eventually, the Boss might have to resort to instilling fear of job loss or fear of injury from a work accident if the workers do not follow her or his directions.  He or she might even fire someone to provide an example to others.
  Also, sometimes people put themselves at risk when they don't respect people and things.  People should always respect weapons, snakes, hurricanes, poisonous spiders, ocean waves, knives, fires, automobiles, electricity, and many other potentially dangerous things.  And people often do respect these things because they are afraid of them.  So here again, we have Respect and Fear working together to help people remain safe.

  Another example of trying to get Respect through fear is when a new Inmate goes into a crowded jail cell and he might even pick a fight with the biggest meanest guy there in order to try and use fear to gain instant respect from the rest of the prisoners.  However, that is a very dangerous thing to do.  And this may or may not earn him respect.  Or it might just get him killed.  

  On one hand, while some feel that being disrespectful gives them power over others; many wiser people disagreed.  For example; a famous peace-maker once said:

“It has always been a mystery to me how men can feel themselves honored by the humiliation of their fellow beings” (Mahatma Gandhi).

  In other words; How is it that a man can feel honored because he just humiliated another person?  Perhaps they have no mercy when they do this.  And perhaps they do not have any respect for themselves or others either.

How Do We Learn Respect?

  Wouldn't it be great if people learned Respect WITHOUT Violence, Threats or Intimidation?  Yes, of course!  But still, some people might learn Respect through Punishment of some sort.

  For example, the Reverend Billy Graham said: 

"A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone” (Billy Graham).

  Other people might also learn Respect through Induction.  Induction is about teaching respect without using violence.  Induction is about BOTH the Child learning how to Respect the Parent; and the Parent learning how to Respect the Child.

  So for one, it seems that children should be learning respect from their parents, Right?.

  But does this mean that we should teach a child to be Respectful using force -- or using Disrespect?  Or using Violence?  Absolutely NOT!!!  Because those ways of teaching Respect do not work.  They simply teach a child to be disrespectful.

  This means that if we have such problems in our lives; we should try more Respectful and more Effective methods, such as Induction; rather than violence.  For example: Teaching Respect by Giving Respect.  This is a big part of Induction.  

  Think about it: Where did you learn about Respect as a Child or as an Adult?  By chance, did any older / bigger / potentially tougher people respect you when you were a kid?   Did the people who taught you Respect use Punishment; or did they use Induction?  Or perhaps Both?

  Using non-violence and/or using Induction is typically good for BOTH the person who is being disrespectful, and for the person who is trying to get the disrespectful person to change their thinking, words and behavior.  For example, a very wise and peaceful man once said: 

  

"The nonviolent approach does not immediately change the heart of the oppressor (the person doing the violence).  It first does something to the hearts and souls of those committed to it (those committed to using a non-violent approach).  It gives them new self-respect; it calls up resources of strength and courage they did not know they had” (Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.).

  In other words, if we learn to use Respect instead of Violence or disrespect, we might truly become better people who are actually more self-confident, more respectful; and hence more respected.  And therefore, we can probably be more effective at handling and putting an end to the other person's disrespect and violence.

For some, Respect is Earned.  For others, Respect is Given.  Or Both?  How about you?

  Or by chance, should I just start off with Respect for Everyone I meet?  Then go from there.

  Am I able and willing to give respect to someone who does not yet respect me?
  In learning how to have healthy relationships, the Goal is to learn how to get things done without using Fear, Punishment, or Intimidation (No Force or Violence of Any Kind).  

  One way to gain Respect is through fear or violence or basically scaring someone into believing that I'm going to hurt them if they don't do what I want.  This is what I call Forced Respect.  Therefore, it is NOT preferable in Relationships.  Actually, Force or Violence can destroy a relationship.
  However a preferred method could be Induction.  Induction is the idea of inducting someone into sharing Respect with you; rather than trying to force it through violence, or through fear, or through threats.  Violence tends to destroy healthy relationships.  Whereas Induction helps foster a healthy relationship. 

  Induction is a way to gain respect without using Violence, Fear, Punishment, or Intimidation.

“Preservation of one's own culture does not require contempt or disrespect for other cultures” (Cesar Chavez).

  In other words: If we are going to preserve our families, our beliefs, our ways and our Culture, we should do so using Respect; NOT disrespect.

How Do We Learn To Practice Induction?

  Induction is not always an easy thing to do -- especially when one is angry or hurt.  Some ways of facilitating Induction include the following:

•   Be reliable.  Do what you say you are going to do.  
•   Set a good example.  Always try to be the first to Give Respect to the other person.  Even for people that you don't like -- or that don't like you.
•   Do a good job.  Especially when no one is watching.  And nobody needs to know about it either.
•   Be conscientious.  Care about what you do and the people you do it with.
•   Be courteous always.  Be courteous especially if you are upset or angry or hurt. 
•   Be respectful toward everyone.  Always be respectful to those less fortunate than you.
•   Be kind and considerate to everyone.
•   Treat others how you want to be treated.  (The Golden Rule.)
•   Show compassion (relating to them - always if you can do it.).
•   Try to become Inspired by the likes of Dr. Martin Luther King, Cesar Chavez, Gandhi, Jesus & others who have made gigantic changes in the World without using violence.

Unconditional Respect: 

  Am I able to always give respect to the other person no matter what they are doing?  Maybe, maybe not... But I can at least try, Right???

  Few Humans have given more of themselves to their fellow Human Beings than has Mother Teresa.  She was known to have said: 

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them” 

(Mother Teresa).

  Question: Would I rather be a person who judges people; or a person who Loves people?

And if my partner makes a poor choice; what might be the most loving way to deal with her within the spirit of Induction and Love.

Speaking of Love and Respect; What does RESPECT look like in a relationship?

• Avoid interruptions.  Have patience to listen.  And Listen good.  Real Good!
• Pay attention when your partner is talking to you.
• Don't use always or never casually.  Stay away from absolutes.  Be flexible.
• Use I statements.  Talk about your own feelings and thoughts.  Don't judge theirs.
• Be honorable.  Don't make allegations or accusations unless you have really strong proof.  And also, don't do so without thorough consideration of the possible damages it could do to the other person; or even to yourself.
• Don’t diagnose each other.
• Don't try to make your partner jealous.  Help your partner feel more secure every day.
• No rude gestures.  Be polite.
• No walking out (unless necessary for a Time Out).  Be patient.
• Use as much Patience and Trust as you possibly can.
• Always offer a sense of equality and fairness -- Fairness is when both agree to the solution before it happens.
• Be Considerate of others.
• Observe, or Pay attention to your partner -- without being critical.
• Withhold Judgment and be open to learning.  Maybe even be open to changing some of the ways that you present yourself or that you react to others.
• Call them what they like to be called.   No name calling.
• Hold open the possibilities.  Keep a positive attitude.
• Do not blame, minimize or deny. Be accountable.
• Be nice.  Always try to play nicely with partner.

RESPECT versus LOVE -- Question:  What are some of the common qualities between what Respect Looks Like and what Love Looks Like?

  Perhaps one of the most important differences between Love and Respect is that for many, Respect may be given -- even if it is not earned.  However, for some, this is not a common philosophy or practice.

  On the other hand, with Love; people are able to Give Respect Regardless of whether or not one has apparently Earned Respect.

  Nelson Mandela has been known in my lifetime as one of the greatest people who ever walked the Earth.  Why?  Because he fought the Good Fight.  He fought -- mostly using his intellect, his words, and other non-violent methods for the sake of FREEDOM for the Africans in South Africa who were Native Africans there; and who had been legally discriminated against, utterly disrespected, beaten down, subjugated, and even systematically murdered through the ugly System of Apartheid. 

  However, even with all that; plus his almost 30 years in Prison due to an unjust conviction; Mandela came out of Prison and through his own actions and his ability to inspire, he taught about Reconciliation; rather than teaching about Revenge.  He taught about Respect; rather than teaching about Disrespect.

  He taught about Freedom and Respect.  Additionally, Nelson Mandela was known to have said: 

"For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others” 

(Nelson-Mandela).

 

  In other words, I won't be free, until I value the freedom of others.

Second Question: What might be some Possible Benefits of giving respect even when it has not been earned?

Third Question: What we know is that Respect can help prevent Domestic Violence.  And patience is often the best way to show Respect.  How are you when it comes to being patient and showing respect when you are angry?

Other:

• Talk about a time in any sort of a relationship where you wished you had shown more Respect to another person and perhaps did not; hence you lost something?
• What does are some of the possible benefits of giving Respect to your partner; Even when you feel they have not earned it?

*** Please Complete These Three Worksheets: 

Please Click Here to Complete Today's About Respect Worksheet.

Please Click Here to Complete Your Respect Form Letter Exercise.

 

 Please Click Here to Complete Today's Session Feedback Form.

   Have a nice day!!!

(Originally Posted, 5/20//2020; Updated, 5/9/2022).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).