First, it is important to know that this Cycle of Violence is NOT the Inter-Generational Cycle of Inherited Maladies and Tendencies. Whereas the former Cycle is about how we tend to learn ways of thinking and behaving in our families of origin; the Cycle of Violence is about what we do as adults in our Relationships while we are a part of a system otherwise known as a Relationship or a Marriage.
In other words, the Cycle of Violence is about the tendency to continue a bad or violent dance with our partner; until it gets so out of control that we tend to crash and burn. It can also happen after we leave a partner, where we simply continue thinking and acting out behaviors that are self-destructive; and/or harmful to others.
Think about it: This World operates on many MANY Cycles! Such as the Lunar Cycles, the Earth's Seasons, Crop Rotation, Months and Seasons of each Year, Each Person has numerous Cycles going on -- such as each Generation of a Family, or the NEWS Cycle, Biological Cycles, pretty much every School operates on Cycles, Cicadas and Snakes (shedding their skins in cycles), and Humans do too. And there's a good time of year to sheer your sheep because their wool grows and we don't want them to have that heavy wool during the hot Summer. Our Financial Institutions and Government Agencies have their Fiscal Year-End, and they have their own cycles as well... Some Flowers open up during the Sunlight; but then close at Night. and many many more!
Cycles are often a good thing -- and a natural thing... But like automobiles heading toward brick walls, it is better if certain cycles go slower or stop completely before they crash.
Many survivors
describe the abuse that they endured as happening in a cycle, meaning that
there seems to be a pattern that occurs.
Of course, all relationships are
different, and some do not fall into the cycle, however, when they do, the
cycle described below is similar for many survivors. The Cycle of Violence consists of
three phases, known as the:
Tension Building Phase
Explosion Phase / Crisis Phase
Honeymoon / Reconciliation Phase
Faster is NOT Always Better:
Even after the first cycle completes itself which might take a year or more; it is time to try and stop and think about it, before we proceed. But very few actually do that. In other words, it is best to try and resolve and accept our differences; than it is to hold grudges and resentment in a relationship. Frequently, we are in such a hurry to get back to that comfortable state of being In-Love, so we overlook the problems that are right in front of us and hence we set ourselves up for yet another cycle -- one that could be much worse...
And here we go again!!!
Tension-Building Phase:
During this phase the victim often feels as though s/he is walking
on eggshells, being extra careful not to trigger an explosion. The abuser may
be moody or irritable. The victim senses a growing tension in the abuser and
fears that the abuse could occur at any moment."
Example:
- "I could feel it coming for about a week. Sam kept talking about being stressed at work and how I never understood how hard things were for him. I tried to be extra nice and made sure I had his favorite food around. I came home from my campus job early a few times to make sure that the apartment was clean so it would not add to his stress. Then finally, one evening I was sorting laundry and watching my favorite program, not paying attention to Sam. He must have said something to me, I am hearing impaired and cannot hear if there is a lot of background noise, and since I didn't respond he grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head around."
Explosion
Phase: This is typically what most people think of when they hear of an abusive
relationship. Yelling, hitting, pushing, punching, rape and other forms of
emotional, physical or sexual violence can occur during this phase. The abuser
may make threats of future violence against the victim, her family or her pets,
pull out a weapon, or destroy property. An explosion can also take the form of
extreme psychological or emotional abuse such as insults, mind games,
embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty (locking
them into a room, binding them, restricting their access to food, bathroom
etc).
Example:
Example:
- "We were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. At first he was just teasing me, then he started calling me names in front of his friends. Telling me I was stupid and that I embarrassed him. I told him I wanted to leave. We got up and went to the car. He insisted on driving me home that night. I was so mad at him for treating me like that, I just got in the car and was silent. This made him really mad. He started driving really fast, too fast and swerving all around. We almost hit another car. By the time we got to my place, I was crying and shaking. He yelled at me, saying that if I hated him so much why didn't I just run in and tell my daddy. He knew I wouldn't say anything. I would be in so much trouble if my family knew I was dating someone outside our religion, and he had already threatened to tell them himself if I ever complained..."
The Honeymoon
Phase or The Reconciliation Phase: A cycle can begin or end with
this phase. In order to regain control of the victim after an explosion the
abuser often apologizes and promises that things will be better and that he/she
will change, a tactic that instills hope in the victim. The abuser may blame
the victim for the explosion and tell the victim that they are forgiven but
that in the future they must help the abuser so that this does not happen
again. The abuser gives the victim flowers, gifts, and sweet or romantic
behavior to cement the reconciliation and reinforce that a time of peace and
love (aka Honeymoon) has come to the relationship.
Example:
Example:
- "A few days after the incident I was back with her. I don't know why exactly. She told me that she needed my help to get better. I guess I believed that I had somehow brought the violence out of her. That morning I'd been on the phone with a friend of mine that I knew she was jealous of, and I should have known it would make her angry. She loved me so much, and when it was good, it was so good. She made me feel so beautiful. We were happy like that for about six months until the tension started to build again."
Cycle
Frequency/Duration: The cycle can happen hundreds of times during the course of
an abusive relationship. One total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to
a year or more to complete. Each stage can vary greatly in the amount of time
it takes to complete, and a stage may be skipped altogether. Typically the
cycle shortens each time, so that very soon the honeymoon and tension building
phases are shorter and the explosion is longer and more violent.
Example:
Example:
- "It was really good with me and my boyfriend for like a whole year or something. Then he started to get angry a lot because he kept getting in trouble at school. He used to be a good student too, but this one White teacher had it out for him because he's the only Black kid in the honors class and spread around that he was a "problem kid". I mean I actually heard him talking to another professor about that. Anyway, my boyfriend was really upset about that, and sometimes he'd take it out on me, yelling and hitting me and stuff. I knew that wasn't right, but it wasn't right what was happening to him either and I wasn't going to get him into any more trouble with anyone. My mom told me that it's a crime how many young black men there are in prison. I wasn't going to do anything to add another one. But eventually it was like I couldn't even remember ever feeling good around him. It was like I was always afraid of him, and I would almost look forward to him hitting me just to get over with it. It got to the point he didn't even try to apologize anymore afterwards like he used to. I still didn't want to get him in trouble, though. I didn't know what to do."
Per Doctor B, When the Cycle Speeds up, danger may not be far ahead. When things get faster, we do not see as much of the detail as we need to in order to navigate safely. And so, when the Cycle is going faster, such as if you are blowing up now and now again... (whereas you used to blow up every six months); but you are now blowing every week for the last month; it is time to STOP Breathe Focus and Choose Wisely. This way, you will have a fighting chance to avoid your Cycle of Violence from speeding up to a point where it is so fast that you end up with a DV Charge.
Question: So How am I going to break each Cycle .....
BEFORE it becomes too late???
There is something to be said for the art of working through our differences; before our differences work through us... and we end up with a lot of built-up pressure and then eventually all the unresolved issues cause our boiling pot to boil over. And then there is a Fight where there is disrespect (i.e., verbal violence) and/or possibly even physical violence.
Perhaps one of the most reliable keys to stopping this cycle is to learn how to resolve issues as they arise (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) BEFORE we get to a point where we feel that disrespect or violence can be justified. And then we end up doing something awful that might never be forgotten.
If one cannot do that.. then perhaps -- as difficult as it may seem -- it is time to walk away from the Relationship.
But WHY???
It is also important to think about the probability that if we do not solve whatever is the root problem that we keep fighting about; then the cycle will probably just continue.
And if it continues, then the faster it will get. And then... the worse it gets. The faster the cycle goes; the more likely someone is going to get hurt or even worse.
And finally, if we continue the cycle without creating or allowing any solutions, then eventually, we will just keep acting on the cycle itself -- faster and faster and faster and becoming more dangerous with every spin... When it comes to this, the ultimate self-control would include the willingness and ability to find a way to stop the cycle.
And because we cannot really control other people, sometimes the only thing we can really do is stop our own part of the fighting. Even if it means we have to walk away from taunts by the other person saying that we are just losers. We have to be mature enough to know that it ain't worth it.
Simply put: There is nothing to actually win by putting down a person that we said that we loved; or by defeating that person, or by beating them in any way, shape or form. Nothing good ever comes out of it.
Sources:
Source: (Walker, 1979, Cycle of Violence.)
Source: The Author for the second Cycle of Violence Graphic Above is Unknown.
Source: (Click here to see other wheel-like adaptations to DV-Related Topics).
(Originally Published 8/31/2020).
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
No comments:
Post a Comment