The Fallacy of the Virtues of Taking Control: Letting go of Our Need to take Control in Relationships

Think about it: How many times in a relationship, have you asked yourself, "Is what I am doing in this situation REALLY WHAT I NEED to be doing right now?  Is this REALLY for my own GOOD?  Is this really for anyone else's good?  Or am I just chasing an idea like a Racing Hound chasing a clay bunny rabbit around and around and around the Racetrack and the same circle over and over again...  only to NEVER catch the Rabbit!  Did you ever stop to think about that Hound Dog... even if she wins; she don't get paid a penny?

  New Idea:  We Humans can barely control ourselves sometimes...   So why do we continue to think that we can control anyone else?  

  So what's say we examine "Control" in Relationships from a Who, What, When, Where, Why and How kind of model so we can put things into perspective?

  Who do we usually try to take control of?  We try to control our partners.  And others... 

  What do we usually try to take control of?  I propose that We do things to control our partners so that we can feel more secure in our relationships.  And so that we can feel better.  So that we can feel better about ourselves in the long run.  So that we can feel better about our partners.  So that we can feel more secure and trusting of our partners.  And so that we can feel more secure as individuals.  

  When do we usually try to take control?  Some of us do it all the time.  Others only do it when they feel it's necessary -- when they feel insecure -- when they feel like this train is heading for a wreck.  When there's a crisis afoot...  

  We also tend to try and control our partners when we feel threatened.  And the weirdest part about this is that we tend to do this because we feel threatened (Like she's gonna break up with me and run off with Johnny Sancho...).  Or like if it's a he, he's gonna run off to the drug dealer again and spend all of our money... including the welfare.  

  And then we end up making our partner feel threatened through our controlling behaviors.  And this is all because we felt threatened in the first place.  Yet our partner probably wasn't trying to threaten us at all.  How much sense does that really make?

  Think about it: Is this an effective way to manage a relationship?  Much less, to manage Love....  

  And by the way, Is this really love?

  Where do we usually try to take control?  We do this where ever we feel it necessary...  The strange thing about this is that it is rarely -- if ever -- truly necessary.  Yet we feel it appropriate to do anyway: We do it out in public... right in front of others.. including kids.  We do it in private too.

  And to add insult to injury, we then try to control whether or not our partner tells anyone else about it.  Here we are being disloyal to our own selves by violating another person's Rights...  Yet, we accuse them of being "disloyal" because they told someone about it.  Does that really make any sense?

  Why do we usually try to take control?  We try to control other adults in our lives (i.e., especially our partner(s)) so that we can feel better about ourselves.  So that we can feel more secure and comfortable.  Are you really paying attention here yet?  "It's like we're trying to meet our own needs through somebody else's vulnerabilities.  Which is really sad and ironic and confusing, especially considering the likely-hood that the person we are trying to control -- is/are probably vulnerable with us simply because they love us."  

  How do we try to take control? How do we try to Control people???  There are many ways we do this.  We try to control what they think, who they see, what they do, how they do it, what they watch, how they feel, who they like, who they are close to, what they eat, how much they drink, who they are alone with, what they don't do, where they can be,  what they want, how they dress, who they talk to, who is a friend of theirs on FaceBook, what they feel about certain things, who they vote for, how much they spend, and on and on and on... 

  In all of our confusion, How do we justify all of this?  

  Well, a lot of times, we call it "LOVE"!!!  

  But it's important to get that the problem here is that if I am trying to change someone else... this is probably NOT Love.  

  Why not?  Because Love is the willingness and the ability to accept someone for who they are and with all their perfections and imperfections right now, right now....... right now.......   and later on and right now again .. and RIGHT NOW and later on, and on and on!!!

  We even try to rationalize or excuse this controlling behavior as, "Oh, I'm only doing this for her / him...."  Or, "He or She just doesn't know what's good for him/her... now does he?  That's why I do it.  And I'll keep doing it even if it kills me!  WHY???  Because I love her/him!!!  Don't you get it?  I love her/him!!!

  We even think it's good for us too.... when in many MANY MANY ways, It's NOT good for us at all.  Nor is it likely to be good for anyone else for that matter.

  But there is this Basic Rule in Life that we seem to forget sometimes.  And it is a very important rule that applies here.  It goes like this:  

I cannot really LOVE any other person in full; 

                                until I start to learn how to fully LOVE myself."  

   I have to love me before I can really love someone else.  This begs the question: If I'm with someone who I want to change in a significant way; then how is that loving me -- or loving them?  In many cases this is not love at all.  Not love for me or for him or her either.  

  Why shouldn't we just try and control ourselves then... instead of trying to control or trying to change those people that we say we love?  Think about it for a minute.

So NOW let's take a DEEPER LOOK at HOW we sometimes try to CONTROL OTHERS:

The Fallacy of Control applies here:

  The Term Fallacy can be defined in the following ways: A mistaken belief, especially one based on unsound argument.  Faulty reasoning; misleading or unsound argument.  A failure in reasoning which renders an argument invalid.  An Example of a fallacy would be: "The notion that the camera never lies (Source).  But the problem is that all you gotta do is crop somebody out of a picture, and then the camera lies like a dog...

Power and control

  Control Has long been believed to be a frequent contributor to Domestic Violence.  People who commit DV, often do so in an attempt to try and take control of a situation that for some reason, they feel they need to try and Control, or to change, or even to keep the same.

  From that point on, it is believed that a person committing DV is either trying to use Control to gain Power over their partner and what their partner does; or is trying to use Power to gain Control over their partner.  (Read Here about the Duluth Power & Control Wheels / Also watch this Video).

  We tend to try and Control our partners via various methods and avenues, such as those listed below in what one might call, "the Steps in the DANCE of Controlling Behaviors":  

  On one hand, we may be trying for feel safer when we try to take control.  We may be trying to feel more secure.  Or the Codependents among us may be thinking that we are trying to help someone else through our own controlling behavior.  But unfortunately, when we attempt to control others (such as our partners) or we try to do similar things to others; it often comes across as something totally different -- and even unacceptable, if not just plain abusive.   

Question: What does control Look Like in a relationship? 

(Instructions: The following list contains some common forms of abusive (and controlling) behaviors.  Read each item and then think to yourself about whether or not you have ever acted in this way towards an intimate partner.  Then Circle, Checkmark, Jot Down or Memorize each behavior that you have done in the past. And Remember, being thoughtful and honest about your past is essential to positive change.)  But also that you really don't have to tell anyone else about your findings here.  But it helps to give it some thought.  (Source of this List is From a Handout on the Web: "Violence, Abuse and Controlling Behaviors Checklist"):

 

  Think about it:  How might these behaviors be (or at least appear to be) used in an attempt to control someone?

Emotional (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?) 

Yelling

Swearing

Put downs and name calling

Making fun of the other person

Insulting/mistreating her/his family or her / his children

Humiliating her / him in public or in front of friends/family

Criticizing or finding fault in her / his behavior, feelings or ideas

Blaming her / him for  the problems in my life

Failing to take her / his concerns, feelings or needs seriously

Isolating myself from the family for long periods of time

Making jealous accusations

Spying on my partner. 

Making her / him account for where and how she / he spends her / his time

Verbally attacking her / his friends

Putting down her / his goals for herself / himself, her ' his education and/or her / his work

Controlling conversations by changing topics, interrupting, not listening, not responding or twisting her / his words

Being manipulative

Lying

Withholding important information

Deciding what’s “logical” or important -- and what's not

Cheating on her / him

Repeatedly not following through on my promises

Being undependable / unreliable

         Being disrespectful 

Blaming her / him for my violence

Pressuring her / him to forget or to “get over” my abusiveness to her / him

Denying her / his feelings of anger, hurt or mistrust caused by my abuse

“Acting like their Father or Mother”: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Setting rules for her / him

Giving her / him an allowance

Telling her  / him what she / he can and cannot do or what she / he can or cannot buy

Controlling all the money in the house

Telling her / him what she / he can or cannot wear outside of the house

Withholding money, car or other financial resources

Controlling the use of the TV, Computer, Telephones and/or other appliances

Automatically assuming that childrearing/household chores are her / his responsibility

Substance Abuse or Using drugs, including alcohol in ways destructive to yourself and your family: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Spending money needed for bills

Losing my job

Losing a home or car

Driving dangerously (with her / him and/or the kids in the car)

Being physically or emotionally abusive while under the influence

Using abuse to obtain money for alcohol or drugs

Being abusive when confronted about my drinking or drugging

Sabotaging Outside Relationships In order to isolate or embarrass my partner: 

(How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Checking up on her / him by calling or following her / him around

Pumping the children for information about her / his behavior

Attacking the friends she / he spends time with

Accusing her / him of having affairs

Not allowing her / him to have male friends / female friends or work with male / female coworkers

Refusing to watch the children so she / he cannot go out

Grilling her / him when she / he comes home

Keeping her / him tied down with children

Using religious teachings to control her / his behavior

Showing up places unexpectedly

Checking mileage on her car

Taping her / his phone calls

Using caller ID and call back features to check on her / him

Taking her / his keys

Tampering with her / his car

Physically or verbally harassing other men / women in her / his life

 

Threatening/ Intimidation: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Punching walls

Breaking or destroying furniture or dishes or other precious items

Throwing objects

Overturning furniture

Driving fast or dangerously with others in car

Raising my fist

Slamming things during an argument

Cornering her / him

Ripping up pictures, letters or other personal possessions

Hurting or killing a pet

Keeping a weapon around which frightens her / him

Threatening her with or by pointing a weapon at her / him

Boasting about my ability to hurt people

Telling stories about my violent past

Threatening her / him with martial arts or military experience

Threatening to hit, slap, punch, or kick her

Threatening to hurt her / his children

Threaten to hurt her / his family or friends

Threats to hurt myself if she / he doesn’t do what I want

Suicidal gestures

Threaten to take legally or illegally take custody of children

Threatening to report her / him to the authorities or CPS

Threatening financial abandonment of her / him or children

Threatening divorce when I don't really mean it

Threatening to betray her / his secrets

Creating an atmosphere of fear in the household

Physical Violence: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Slap

Punch

Choke

Push

Restrain

Kicking

Biting 

Thrown down

Pull hair

Pinch

Spit on her / him

Strike with weapon, including knife, stick, etc.

Use gun, rifle or bow to hurt Her / Him

 

Sexual Abuse: (How might these Tactics serve to Control a Partner?)

Refusing to use birth control

Stopping her / him from using birth control

Withholding information about my HIV or other STD status

Pressuring her / him to have sex when she’s ill or not feeling well

Making a scene when she / he does not want to have sex

Withholding Sex 

Threatening to “get sex somewhere else”

Pressuring her / him to have “make up” sex after my abuse

Putting down her / his sexual performance

Pressuring her / him to watch pornography

Using sexually degrading language

Pressuring her / him to have sex because of my financial support or religious beliefs

Threatening physical harm to obtain sex

Forcing her / him to do painful or humiliating things during sex

Forcing her / him to prostitute herself / himself

Forcing her / him to watch me have sex with another person

Having an affair

Visiting prostitutes

         Publishing private, sexual images of her / him

(The above is just a partial list of ways to try and control a partner.)

  *** Please Click Here to Complete 

                 Your Controlling Behaviors Worksheet. *** 

  How about a little bit of CONTROLLING, CO-Dependent Music for you Tune Lovers out there:

Sundown

  Now reflect for a minute... How might some of these behaviors actually be attempts to control a partner?  And isn't it kind of ironic how doing these things are sometimes about making me feel good about myself?

>>> Please REMEMBER:  When we have an urge to control or to change our partner(s), it is often really just a simple matter of us having a need to control or change ourselves instead....  

  In moving forward, one of the most important tasks in life is to learn how to tell the difference between that which one can control and that which one cannot control and/or should never even try to control.

I'm Gonna Make You Love Me

"To Love Somebody" Bee Gees!!!

Haitian Divorce

Going to California

 (Originally posted 12/7/2020)

Sources:

"List of Abusive/Controlling Behaviors": Violence, Abuse and Controlling Behaviors Checklist: From: ©1996, revised 1999 The Non-Violence Alliance, 353 Main Street Middletown, CT 06457 1-860-347-8220).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).