What Role Does Anger Play in Domestic Violence? What Does Anger Look Like? How Can We Better Control Our Anger?

   Many people who have Domestic Violence Charges feel that if they could get their Anger under control; they would not have DV-Thinking, DV-Feeling or DV-Behaving.  And surely, effective Anger Management might help prevent some instances of Domestic Violence.  

  First of all, DV Behavior is a Choice.  If I do DV, then I'm likely to be held accountable for that behavior.   No matter how angry I am, there's no excuse for abuse.  However, DV is also about other phenomena that are not necessarily driven by one's Anger alone (i.e., Power & Control, Fear (like a fear of loss), Poor Communication Skills (not knowing how to communicate when upset), Impatience, Insecurity / Jealousy, High Stress, Poor Self-Control, Feeling Loss, etc...).

  Still other factors might also contribute to DV such as substance abuse, psychopathy, pro-offending attitudes / anti-social thinking, poor self-esteem, impulsiveness, anxiety, unemployment, inadequate social supports, grandiosity / inflated ego, even ignorance, and other environmental factors.  Hence, there is much more to DV than Anger Management.

  On the other hand, if we can control our Angry Thoughts -- or at least effectively deal with them...   And if we can handle our Angry Feelings and our Angry Behaviors, we might be able to better control our propensity to act out in Anger.  This would probably be a good thing because then there would be fewer DV Victims, fewer DV Witnesses, fewer DV-Related Damages, and fewer DV Offenses.  Therefore, Anger Management is a part of DV Treatment.  

Anger is Normal

  One of the most important things to remember is that Anger is Normal.  But Angry Behavior is often hurtful.  Therefore it is unacceptable.  And Angry Behavior is not necessarily considered normal if it impacts someone else in a negative way.  And even Anger at one's self can only be taken so far before it becomes destructive and abnormal.

Signs that We May Need Help Controlling Our Anger Include:

• If we are Regularly feeling that we have to hold in our anger
• Avoiding situations because of anxiety or depression about possible anger outbursts
• Persistent negative thinking and focusing on negative experiences
• Constant feelings of irritation, impatience and hostility
• Frequent arguments with other people that escalate frustrations
• Physical violence, such as hitting our partner or children or starting fights with others
• Threats of violence against people or property
• Out-of-control or frightening behavior, such as breaking things or driving recklessly or even sending poison-pen emails or text messages

At this point, Anger is not very pretty, is it?

What is Anger Management?

  "Anger management is the process of learning to recognize signs that you're becoming angry, and taking action to calm down and deal with the situation in a productive way"  (Mayo Clinic, Jun 10, 2017).  Another person suggests that Anger Management is “Finding new ways to handle it so that you don’t cause problems.” 

  SO what are my Anger Cues???  The sensations in myself or in my environment, that tell me that I am becoming angry... What are they???

  "Per the Mayo Clinic: “Anger management doesn't try to keep you from feeling (angry or) anger or encourage you to hold it in.  Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when you know how to express it appropriately — anger management is about learning how to do this.”  (How to express our anger appropriately.)  “You may learn anger management skills on your own, using books or other resources.  But for many people, taking an anger management class or seeing a mental health professional is the most effective approach.”

  In the long run; Effective Anger Management often comes down to the individual and the situation and the context.  

  This would also include questions and choices about whether or not we expresses our anger in a Private Way (limited to self only; and perhaps even in prayer); or in a Direct way (limited ONLY toward persons directly involved in the situation); or in a Social Way (limited just to family, or limited to family and friends, or limited to family, friends, co-workers and even fellow students...);  or Unlimited expression of anger -- putting it out there for the whole World to see.    

  And naturally, there can be serious consequences related to any given way that we express our anger; as well as to whom they express it.  

  But am I saying don't express your anger?  NO!!! We just need to do it the right way...

  Think about it: Have you ever expressed your anger in the wrong way?  or Have you ever expressed your anger to the wrong person(s)?

Anger Management Quotes (Below are some quotes about Anger that can really help give us a much deeper and broader prespective on Anger): 

• "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." – Buddha.

• "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

• "Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it." – Seneca.

• "People who fly into a rage always make a bad landing." – Will Rogers.

• "If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging." – Will Rogers.

• "Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." – Ambrose Bierce.

• "How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it." – Marcus Aurelius.

• "Two things a man should never be angry at: what he can help, and what he cannot help." – Thomas Fuller.

• "No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched." – George Jean Nathan.

• "There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust." – St. Francis De Sales.

• "If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow." –Chinese Proverb.

• "If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?" – Sydney J. Harris

• 
  "He who angers you conquers you." -- Elizabeth Kenny

• "Anger is one letter short of danger." – Eleanor Roosevelt

• "If you kick a stone in anger, you'll hurt your own foot." – Korean Proverb

• "Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." – Malachy McCourt

• "Resentment is stabbing yourself to get at the person behind you." – Unknown

• "Resentment is setting yourself on fire so the smoke will annoy someone." – Unknown

• "Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools." – Albert Einstein

• "Anger is short-lived madness." – Horace

• "Anger blows out the lamp of the mind." – Robert G. Ingersoll

• "Anger is a killing thing: it kills the man who angers, for each rage leaves him less than he had been before - it takes something from him." – Louis L'Armour

• "To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee." – William H. Walton

Anger Thermometer:

  Picture a Thermometer.  An Anger Thermometer.
  It starts at the bottom with a Zero Degrees (0), and reaches up to the top at One-Hundred-Degrees.  Hotter temperatures indicate more Anger.  This thermometer has 4 zones which are labelled as: Calm, Frustrated, Angry and Furious.

 *** CLICK HERE to View The Anger Thermometer. ***

How Angry do the following Triggers Make You Feel?  Where would you place each Trigger on your Anger Thermometer?

Rank each of the following (in your mind) as to how angry it can make you at your Partner when a discussion about it goes off the deep end.  

Indicate on the thermometer how angry each one makes you feel.

-- Calm -- Frustrated -- Angry -- Furious --

1. Sex
2. Money
3. Kids
4. Timing
5. Quality Time
6. Romance
7. Chores
8. Pet Peeves
9. In-Laws
10. Jealousy
11. Feeling Interrupted
12. Feeling Ignored
13. Being talked about on FB
14. Feeling Rejected
15. Being Followed around the house (like during an argument); or Stalked
16. Being Talked About in a Negative Way by your Partner

Ideas How To Control Your Thinking, Feeling and Behaving when you are Angry:

(From Williams and Williams' "12 Strategies for Controlling Anger")   "We manage anger when we learn to defuse it before it becomes destructive.  Below, we've outlined 12 strategies that you can use to control anger when you experience it. These reflect an abridged version of 17 strategies that Drs Redford Williams and Virginia Williams described in their best-selling book, "Anger Kills.""

1. Acknowledge That You Have a Problem (Accept that we are angry.. that we have anger, right here, and right now...)

• If you find it difficult to manage your anger, the first thing you need to do is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge that you have a problem.
• You can then make a plan to deal with it.

2. Keep a Hostility Log

• Do you know what causes your anger?  Chances are, you don't understand why you react angrily to some people or events.
• Download our Hostility log worksheet to monitor the triggers and the frequency of your anger.  When you know what makes you angry, you can develop strategies to channel it effectively.

3. Use Your Support Network

• Let the important people in your life know about the changes that you're trying to make. They can motivate and support you if you lapse into old behaviors.
• These should be give-and-take relationships. Put some time aside every day to invest in these relationships, especially with close friends and family. You need to be there for them, just as they're willing to be there for you.
• You can alleviate stress when you spend time with people you care about. This also helps you control your anger.

4. Interrupt the Anger Cycle

• When you start to feel angry, try the following techniques:
• Yell "Stop!" loudly in your thoughts. This can interrupt the anger cycle.
• Use physical relaxation techniques like deep breathing or centering.
• Count to 20 before you respond.
• Manage your negative thoughts with imagery and positive thinking.
• Close your office door or find a quiet space, and meditate for five minutes.
• Distract yourself from your anger – visit your favorite website, play a song that you like, daydream about a hobby that you enjoy, or take a walk.
• Another approach is to consider the facts of the situation, so that you can talk yourself out of being angry.
• To use this strategy, look at what you can observe about the person or situation, not what you're inferring about someone's motivations or intentions. Does this situation deserve your attention? And is your anger justified here?
• When you look only at the facts, you'll likely determine that it's unproductive to respond with anger.

5. Use Empathy

• If another person is the source of your anger, use empathy to see the situation from his or her perspective.
• Be objective here. Everyone makes mistakes, and it is through mistakes that people learn how to improve.

6. See the Humor in Your Anger

• Learn to laugh at yourself and do not take everything seriously.  The next time you feel tempted to lash out, try to see the humor in your expressions of anger.
• One way to do this is to "catastrophize" the situation. This is when you exaggerate a petty situation that you feel angry about, and then laugh at your self-importance.
• For example, imagine that you're angry because a sick team member missed a day of work. As a result, a report you were depending on is now late.
• To catastrophize the situation, you think, "Wow, she must have been waiting months for the opportunity to mess up my schedule like this. She and everyone on the team probably planned this, and they're probably sending her updates about how angry I'm getting."
• Obviously, this grossly exaggerates the situation. When you imagine a ridiculous and overblown version of the story, you'll likely find yourself smiling by the end of it.
• Watch the movie, "Anger Management". 

7. Relax

• Angry people let little things bother them. If you learn to calm down, you'll realize that there is no real need to get upset, and you'll have fewer angry episodes.
• Regular exercise can help you relax in tense situations. When possible, go for a walk, or stretch and breathe deeply whenever you start to feel upset.
• You will also feel more relaxed when you get enough sleep and eat a healthy diet.
• Dehydration can often lead to irritability too, so keep hydrated throughout the day by drinking plenty of water.  
• CLICK HERE TO Do a Stop, Breath, Focus, Relax, Reflect, Re-Focus, and Choose Wisely Exercise. 

 

8. Build Trust

• Angry people can be cynical. They can believe that others do things on purpose to annoy or frustrate them, even before anything happens. However, people often focus less on you than you might think!
• Build trust with friends and colleagues. That way, you'll be less likely to get angry with them when something goes wrong. You'll also be less likely to attribute the problem to malicious intent on their part.
• To build trust, be honest with people. Explain your actions or decisions when you need to, and always keep your word. If you do this consistently, people will learn that they can trust you. They'll also follow your lead, and you'll learn that you can trust them in return.

 

9. Listen Effectively

• Miscommunication contributes to frustrating situations. The better you listen to what someone says, the easier it is to find a resolution that doesn't involve an angry response.
• So, improve your active listening skills. When others are speaking, focus on what they're saying, and don't get distracted by formulating your response before they've finished. When they're done speaking, show that you listened by reflecting back what they have just said.

10. Be Assertive (Be Respectful to Everyone, All the time)

• Remember, the word is "assertive," not "aggressive." When you're aggressive, you focus on winning. You care little for others' feelings, rights, and needs. When you're assertive, you focus on balance. You're honest about what you want, and you respect the needs of others.
• If you're angry, it's often difficult to express yourself clearly. Learn to assert yourself   and let other people know your expectations, boundaries, and issues. When you do, you'll find that you develop self-confidence, gain respect, and improve your relationships.

11. Live Each Day as If It's Your Last

• Life is short. If you spend all of your time getting angry, you're going to miss the many joys and surprises that life offers.
• Think about how many times your anger has destroyed a relationship, or caused you to miss a happy day with friends and family. That's time that you'll never get back.
• However, you can prevent this from happening again – the choice is yours.

12. Forgive and Forget

• To ensure that you make long-term changes, you need to forgive people who have angered you.
•  It's not easy to forget past resentments, but the only way to move on is to let go of these feelings. (Depending on what or who is at the root of your anger, you may have to seek a professional's help to achieve this.)
• So, start today. Make amends   with one person that you've hurt through your anger. It might be difficult, but you'll feel better afterwards. Plus, you'll be one step closer to healing the relationship.

Key Points

• To manage anger, acknowledge that you have a problem, keep a hostility log, and build a support network based on trust.
• Also, use techniques to interrupt your anger, listen, empathize, be assertive with others, and learn to relax, as well as laugh at yourself.
• Finally, don't let anger get in the way of the joys in life, and learn to forgive people who make you angry." 

* CLICK HERE TO Complete Your ANGER MANAGEMENT & DV Worksheet *

Sources:

* The Anger Management Strategies (above) were drawn from “Anger Kills” by Dr.'s Redford Williams and Virginia Williams.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/anger-management/about/pac-20385186

https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_97.htm

Anger Quotes collection borrowed 10/27/2020 from https://compassionpower.com/anger-management-quotes/ (Copyright 2020, Emotional Abuse, Anger Resentment, Healing.  Powered by WordPress.)

The Angry Book, by Theodore Isaac Ruben. 

(Original unedited Post, first posted Oct. 26, 2020) 

(c. 2020, All information on this Blog, Affiliated Blogs and linked Worksheets (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual                                                    and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)