Checking My Personal Patterns Of Power and Control Behaviors and/or Domestic Violence

  What are Power and Control Behaviors?  We probably already have an idea about what Domestic Violence is.  But what types of behaviors could be described as power and control behaviors; or behaviors that someone might use to get power and control in a relationship?  Power and Control Behaviors are any behaviors that a person could use to try and gain or maintain power and/or control in a relationship. 

  And What is Violence in this context?  Many people view Violence as when someone does something physical to someone else.  However, in the context of DV Treatment, Violence starts in a situation when the disrespect starts.  If I say or do something disrespectful to, or in the presence of my wife, the violence has started.  And Violence is unacceptable; as is Disrespect.

  These behaviors could include (but are not limited to): Deceitfulness, Manipulation, Aggression, Destroying Property, Making unwanted  sexual advances, Threats, Neglecting or otherwise Threatening the Children or other family and friends, Doing things that are totally embarrassing to the other partner, Trying to control the other person in any way shape or form, Denying, Minimizing or Blaming any abuse that has taken place, Drinking or Using Drugs to a point it causes a partner to be afraid or embarrassed or otherwise to take a loss of some sort; Controlling all the money or spending it all on one's self, Assaulting the other partner's dignity, Treating the other person as a servant or as less than, Talking badly about the other partner, Using others outside of the couple to help to help control the other partner... and many many more.

But Where Do Power and Control Behaviors Come From?

  Theoretically, as humans, we constantly seek to either increase our pleasure or decrease our pain according to Freud's "Pleasure Principle". In other words, it's probably not extremely abnormal for a person to find himself or herself thinking of ways to make ourselves feel more comfortable -- such as thinking of ways of making sure that a partner who we really like never goes away...   

  Unfortunately, however, sometimes, acting on such thoughts -- especially when it impacts the life of someone else -- can be very wrong.  And if we do it over and over again, we  sometimes develop patterns towards such ends.  And sometimes, those patterns include thoughts and behaviors that are not conducive to healthy relationships.  In other words, we probably all seek to have some power over our personal relationships.  The problem is that sometimes, we cross the line when we start using Power to gain Control over the other person; or we start using control to gain power over the other person in the relationship.

  This is truly an awful thing to do when one considers the probability that we really have no business trying to control our partners; when the fact is that many of us struggle on a regular basis just to control ourselves.

  According to the D.V.O.M.B. Core Competencies: People in Domestic Violence Treatment should be able to “identify and progressively reduce their pattern of power and control behaviors, beliefs and attitudes of entitlement."  

  So this begs the question: Can one use some power and control in a relationship; without being abusive?  Probably yes.  But it would have to be benign or harmless power and control over myself and over the relationship; but never over my partner.    

  Nonetheless, it seems that it is probably always going to be better if I reserve my power and control behaviors, beliefs and attitudes for myself; and not use them to try and manage the life of my partner.  So when I do things that are coming out of my patterns for power and control, I need to be sure that my partner knows it is not about her or him.

So What about Violence?

  What if my outburst crosses the line?  What if my behavior is somehow violent -- intended or not intended?

  People in DV Treatment "should be able to recognize that violence was made possible by a larger context of behaviors and attitudes (Pence & Paymar, 1993).  In other words, some men get violent with partners because they think they are supposed to or that it is their Right.  Whereas some women get violent with their partners because they expect that its okay and they think they will get away with it.

  Nonetheless; we should be able to identify the specific forms of day-to-day power, violence, abuse and control, such as isolation that have been utilized, as well as the underlying outlook and excuses that drove those behaviors (Tolman & Edleson, 1992).  

  And also, we should be able to demonstrate behaviors, attitudes and beliefs congruent with non-violence, equality and respect in personal relationships.

Autobiography of Violence:

  Hence, we begin to explore our Personal Patterns of Power and Control-type Behaviors; as well as our Histories of Abuse (both Abuse that we have done; as well as Abuse that was done to us; or abuse that was done around us -- that we might have witnessed).  When we delve into our Violence Autobiographies.  Several questions tend to come up:  

1. What is violence?   Violence is Behavior involving Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Social (Digital), Sexual and/or Economic force that is intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone, kill something, or to destroy something.  (Notice that the act of Violence does not have to include Physical Harm.  It can be Emotional harm, Social harm or even Economic harm.)
2. What forms of violence do families experience?  Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Sexual, Social and Economic, as well as possibly violence against pets and destruction of things.
3. What forms of violence do couples experience?  Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Sexual, Social and Economic, as well as possibly violence against pets and destruction of things.

How do we learn to be violent?  “Speaking on behalf of The Ring The Bell Campaign — a movement that calls on men and boys around the world to take a stand and make a promise to act to end violence against women — Sir Patrick Stewart (formerly of Star Trek, "Next Generation"), a consistent and powerful activist for equality, spoke eloquently about what violence against women looks like, and what it means for our world.  Stewart has talked before about growing up in a violent home, and this is equally moving."  

  Stewart said, “The truth is that domestic violence and violence against women touch many of us. This violence is not a private matter.  Behind closed doors it is shielded and hidden and it only intensifies. It is protected by silence – everyone's silence.  Violence against women is learned.  Each of us must examine - and change - the ways in which our own behavior might contribute to, enable, ignore or excuse all such forms of violence.  I promise to do so, and to invite other men and allies to do the same.”  (Source).  

  The above could also be applied to different types of violence as carried out against other people such as Children and Men as well; with the exception that for centuries, violence against women and children has been an accepted (if not expected) behavior among many men in many different cultures.  

Violence As A Learned Behavior: 

  “Violence Is A Learned Behavior", says some Researchers.  The strong association between exposure to violence and the use of violence by young adolescents illustrates that violence is a learned behavior, according to a study, published by researchers at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center and included in the November (2000) issue of the Journal of Pediatrics (Source).

Stress versus Non-Stress:  “Domestic violence affects every member of the family, including the children. Family violence creates a home environment where children (sometimes) live in constant fear.  Children who witness family violence are affected in ways similar to children who are physically abused.  They are often unable to establish nurturing bonds with either parent.  Children are at greater risk for abuse and neglect if they live in a violent home.  And Statistics show that over 3 million children witness violence in their home each year. Those who see and hear violence in the home suffer physically and emotionally.  

For Example: 

• "Families under stress produce children under stress.  If a spouse is being abused and there are children in the home, the children are affected by the abuse." (Ackerman and Pickering, 1989) cited in (ACADV, 2012) (Source).  

• Sixty three percent of all boys, age 11-20, who commit murder kill the man who was abusing their mother (From Makers of Memories (Blog, 2011)).  

• “Seeing and Experiencing Violence Makes Aggression (seem) 'Normal' for Children (Mar. 31, 2011) — The more children are exposed to violence, the more they think it's normal, according to a new study.”

Why do we do violence?  We humans tend to do violence because we have made a choice to do so.  It might have been a choice made in haste -- without thinking it through.  And it may have been influenced by Fear, Insecurity, Anger, Frustration; or Because we think it will get us what we want - or we think it's the only way out.  And we also do violence when it is perceived as the only alternative (Self-Defense and/or Desperation).  Some do violence simply to do it for the thrill.  Some even do violence without realizing how it hurts others until it is too late.  Others do things carelessly when angry or upset that become Violence when what they have done actually causes some sort of harm to others.

• "Children learn violent behaviors in primary social groups, such as the family and peer groups, as well as observe it in their neighborhoods and in the community at large," DuRant added. 

• "These behaviors are reinforced by what children and adolescents see on television, on the internet and in video games and movies, observe in music videos and hear in their music.”  

• "When children are disciplined with severe corporal (or physically abusive) punishment or verbal abuse or psychological abuse or when they are physically or sexually abused, it is not surprising that they behave aggressively or violently toward others" (Source) 

  “In this study, DuRant found that several variables may increase the likelihood that a student would participate in a violent act.  In addition to exposure to violence (which had the highest correlation with the use of violence scale), they include: multiple substance usage, interest in a gang, cigarette smoking, male gender and symptoms of depression.”  (Source). 

  So it seems likely that in many cases, Violence is learned and our propensity to choose to do Violence is sometimes impacted by our previous exposure to Violence; or our anger, our stress, our faulty thinking and other possible factors.  This brings up important questions that we should each explore.  

For example -- Think about it:

• What are my Attitudes about DV?

• What have been my Behaviors related to DV?

• What Specific Forms of abuse and control (such as isolation) have been used by me? 

• How were the rationale for these forms of abuse and control formulated?

• Why were these forms of abuse and control used? 

• What beliefs congruent with equality and respect in personal relationships am I now embracing? 

• What attitudes congruent with equality and respect in personal relationships am I now demonstrating?

• What behaviors congruent with equality and respect in personal relationships am I now using? 

• And most important of all: What are some ways we could use to disrupt our patterns of violence?

  Above all, it is important to accept the probability that typically, if we are learning how to be violent or when to use violence and how to use violence; or if we are just exposed to violence; then it is highly probable that at those times, during those precious moments, we are NOT learning how to settle things without violence.

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete

your PATTERN of POWER & CONTROL WORKSHEET ***

(Originally Posted, 10/5/2020).

Other Sources:

Beverly, 2013 

Applies to Core Competencies I.1.2. & 3. and E.1. & 2.

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).