Monday, December 11, 2023

How Do I Talk About my Domestic Violence Offense? What if they just won't (or can't) let it go?

   Item G-1-C of The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board's (DVOMB) Core Competencies for Treatment of Domestic Violence Offenders requires us to learn how to NOT be Defensive when the victim or our children or even another person reminds us of the things we have done -- including the DV Offense.

  This Core Competency reads: "The offender accepts that their partner or former partner and their children may continue to challenge them regarding past or current behaviors."  

  "Should they behave abusively in the future, they consider it their responsibility to report those behaviors honestly to their friends and relatives, to their probation officer, and to others who will hold them accountable".  

  How do people normally tend to react when someone brings up something that could be painful, embarrassing, or even scary?  Could be difficult, right?

  Some may want to keep that ugly thing -- that we call our DV Offense -- in the past.  Whereas others might be okay with discussing it right here and right now.  

  And many would probably just rather keep moving forward into the future -- and totally forget about the past while they put it all behind them.  


Why Bring It Up In The First Place?

  Why would someone want to talk about this?  Why do you think someone -- say a Victim -- might want to talk about what happened back then -- right NOW?  

  Some Reasons Someone Might Want To Talk About It Could Be:

  • Perhaps they never again want this awful thing to happen to them.  So they just need some reassurance from us that we are accountable and that any future possible tragedies can and will be prevented;
  • Or maybe they need to know that we are committed to making sure it never happens again;
  • It might it be that they sincerely don't really understand what really happened that day?
  • Maybe, they really don't understand why it happened?  And they want to know.
  • Could it be that They are still angry at us about what happened -- and they just want to exorcise their demons?
  • Maybe they just need to clarify the past in order to move forward into the brighter future?
  • Or it could be that they still feel they need an apology from us for what we did and for the impact on them of what happened?
  • They are trying to hurt us -- or get us back by making us talk about it?
  • It could be that they just want us to leave, and they know that we don't want to talk about it, so they won't let us forget it as long as we are there?
  • They might have been triggered about a past trauma that was brought up by this offense and they are bringing it up to us now?
  • Or they were deeply traumatized by what happened with us?
  • Maybe this event was shocking and scary to them and they just want to know why it had to be that way?
  • They are worried about what the future might hold if it happens again?
  • Or it could be that they want reparations?
  • Might be that they have some doubts and they just want us to re-assure them?


  What Might Stand In The Way Of Us Being Able To Face Such A Question and Respond To It In a Constructive Way?

  What are some reasons why we might hesitate when it comes to responding to these types of questions?

  • Maybe we are just tired of hearing about it?
  • Might we be afraid that if we talk about, it could make it happen again?
  • Could it be that when they express their doubts, it makes us feel insecure too?
  • Or could it possibly be that we are afraid that our own Anger is going to explode if we think about it too much?
  • Might it be that we just feel too bad about what happened to be able to discuss it in a reasonable manner?
  • Perhaps we just feel totally incapable of making this situation right; hence, we want to avoid thinking or talking about it?
  • Maybe it even be that we are still in such denial that we have no clue as to what we did and who got hurt and how?
  • Or Might we think that if it's painful and it's in the past; why should we talk about it now?
  • Could it be that whenever they bring it up, I get a weird feeling inside -- like a panic attack or even rage?  And I am afraid that I just can't handle it the right way?
  • Maybe we feel like when they bring this up; they are just trying to start another fight?
  • Might it be that we prefer to live in the Present and keep the Past far behind us?
  • Or we might feel like "It's just not worth it.  Thinking and talking about something that only brings more negative feelings"?
  • Might we even feel re-traumatized whenever someone brings it up in the first place?

  So there are lots of good reasons to be able to talk about the Offense.  And some people have certain reasons why they do not want to talk about it.  But there is a reason why a Victim might really want and NEED to talk about the Offense -- and given that they are the Victim; they kinda have a Right to talk about, correct.  They also should be able to ask questions about what happened.  And although it could be the hardest thing we ever did; we should try and be willing and able to give them answers in a respectful way.  


Hence Our Mission as DV Offenders:

  All the Core Competency asks is that we accept that our Partner or Victim might bring this up from time to time.  And furthermore, in Treatment our primary Goals include: 

  • Accountability, (Like I need to own what I did and the pain it caused to others.
  • Empathy for the Victim(s), (Like I need to develop an understanding of what it must have been like for the Victim -- I need to have empathy), and 
  • I need to Master some skills for Prevention of DV in the future -- among other things  (Like Now a-days, I need to be much more prepared to be able to prevent DV).

But then there is our own EGO to consider.  (Our EGO is what holds our Mind Together and keeps us from Crumbling or becoming Defensive when we are faced with something very challenging or even embarrassing).  And talking about our DV Offense could be both challenging and embarrassing. 

Question:  How could we handle this type of situation in a way that does these three things:

1. Provides a way that shows empathy and possibly even sympathy for the impact of what we did to the Victim; 

2. And in a way that doesn't make us hurt worse...  (We don't want to let it make us too mad.).

3. But we are also required to DO NO HARM... Hence we really need to learn ways of never letting this happen again in our lives. 

This can be a tricky set of tasks... 


  The Human EGO can be a funny thing.  It has all kinds of reflexes that it does in order to protect us from decompensation (a fancy word for "going crazy".) 

  But still -- WEEEEEE just want to MOVE ON!!!

  So, take a minute and entertain the following analogy:  

Look at it this way; If my 17 year-old daughter's boyfriend hit her in the face and caused her pain and serious fear; wouldn't I want them to either:

1. Break up forever; or

2. If they were going to stay together: we would want that they would both be able to totally reconcile this event -- including all due accountability, apologies, penance if needed, and even treatment if it could help?  

I mean, if they were going to stay together -- My daughter and this man who hurt her -- wouldn't I need to see accountability, and BOTH empathy and sympathy on his part in order for me to feel anywhere near okay about them staying together?

 > > > SO the point is that Perhaps talking about the Offense can help us get 

that Big PURPLE ELEPHANT out of our Living Room. < < <

Question:  

  If you were going to speak with the Victim about your DV Offense, what would you say?

  If you were going to speak with a New Person You Were Dating about your DV Offense, what would you say?


*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

PLEASE BE SURE TO DO a New or UPDATED Treatment Plan Every 2-to-3 Months.

This is a requirement.  Please Click here to work on a Treatment Plan.

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.



NOTES: 

And now for yet another Analogy -- just to drive the point home:

Then Finally -- There is Always Hope for Truth and Reconciliation:  

  Check out this example:  

 “Apartheid (South African English: /əˈpɑːrteɪd/; Afrikaans: [aˈpartɦɛit], separateness; lit. "aparthood") was a system of institutionalised racial segregation that existed in South Africa and South West Africa (now Namibia) from 1948 until the early 1990s” (Source).

  The Apartheid era in South African history refers to the time that the National Party led the country's white minority government, from 1948 to 1994.  "Max Coleman's authoritative book analyzes all deaths due to political violence from 1948 to 1994 in South Africa and Namibia.  According to the HRC statistics, 21,000 people died in political violence in South Africa during Apartheid - of whom 14,000 people died during the six-year transition process from 1990 to 1994."

  It is important to know that South Africa has been a very violent place for many years.  Members of the Black African Native population had been politically, economically and violently dominated for this period and many had been unjustly killed.  People were killed in South Africa for things that Americans take for granted.  In the U.S.A., you can speak your mind about the Politics and no one can legally touch you for it.  Whereas in South Africa at this time, many of the Black Population were imprisoned or killed for doing just that.  They were killed or imprisoned simply for wanting their freedom.

  Mandela had been a Political Prisoner: "He was arrested and imprisoned in 1962, and subsequently sentenced to life imprisonment for conspiring to overthrow the state following the Rivonia Trial.  Mandela served 27 years in prison, split between Robben Island, Pollsmoor Prison and Victor Verster Prison" (Source). 

“In April 1994, South Africans of all races voted in the country’s first democratic elections, choosing Mandela as their first black president. The inhumane apartheid regime seemed to be miraculously ending peacefully, though much work remained to improve the lives of all South Africans.” (Source). 

  Following Mandela's Election, there was much work to be done.  "Archbishop Desmond Tutu was the chairman of South Africa’s Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC). The TRC was created by Nelson Mandela’s Government of National Unity in 1995 to help South Africans come to terms with their extremely troubled past. It was established to investigate the violations that took place between 1960 and 1994, to provide support and reparation to victims and their families, and to compile a full and objective record of the effects of apartheid on South African society" (Source).

  In order to try and heal the Country from 50 years of Apartheid -- which was like Jim Crowe or Racism on Steroids, the New Government, headed by Nelson Mandela decided to try and handle the differences between the oppressors and the oppressed using what was called The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions. 

  The Truth and Reconciliation Commissions were set up in South Africa following the end of Apartheid (1995).  

  "The mandate of the commission was to bear witness to, record, and in some cases grant amnesty to the perpetrators of crimes relating to human rights violations, as well as offering reparation and rehabilitation to the victims." (Source).

  In short the idea here was to find a peaceful, non-violent solution that was as healthy as possible for everyone involved... both Victims and Perpetrators.

Now: 

  If they could do it in South Africa -- an entire Country; then perhaps two people who are in a Couple -- and have had DV between them -- can also do it.  

  That is if they truly want to and choose to do so in a constructive manner.

  But, just as with Truth and Reconciliation Commissions; Whoever did whatever they did to hurt or kill people -- if they wanted Forgiveness from the Families of their Victims; or a Pardon or Amnesty from the Commission -- they were required to publicly come out and be truthful about what they had done; also to show remorse; and ask for forgiveness.

  Hence, how is it really that difficult to truly own my DV Offense?  Just to own what I did?  And to own whatever someone else did in reaction to what I did; or had to do in order to deal with the impact of what I did?


  There are numerous other questions that could also be related to this:

  What are some likely reactions when someone reminds us of our DV Offense(s)?

  How should I handle it when they remind me of what I did that got me that offense?

  How should I handle my DV Offense when it comes to discussing it in NEW Relationships?

  How do I feel about my DV Offense -- myself?

  How do I feel when someone brings it up?

  How do I feel when my (Ex-) Partner wants to talk about what happened?

  How do I feel when my son or daughter (or other close family member) wants to talk about what happened?

  Who's fault was it?

  Who's responsibility is it now to be sure that it does not happen again?

  What might be some good ways for me to make sure that it won't happen again?

  What would be the best way to talk about my DV Offense if I wanted to demonstrate that I have truly moved beyond it?

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete Your Talking About My DV Worksheet ***

and

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PLEASE BE SURE TO DO YOUR A New or UPDATED Treatment Plan Every 2-to-3 Months.

This is a requirement.  Please Click here to work on a Treatment Plan.

Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.  Thank you.  And have a nice day.
      Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.







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