There is no doubt among experts that the exertion -- or attempted exertion -- of Power and Control over situations, things and/or people involved in a Relationship is one of the primary reasons why Domestic Violence Happens. And more often than not in my experience; it is usually when one partner tries to CONTROL someone who does not wish to be controlled; or tries to CONTROL something that they are simply unable to control. Hence, it seems logical that one way to prevent Domestic Violence will be for people to begin to examine their lives for a moment in terms of what they CAN CONTROL and what they CANNOT CONTROL.
Letting Go of Our Attempts to Try And CONTROL Others:
Just as with many other bad habits; when we truly want to quit; it often helps to have a good grasp of our reasons for quitting. If one wishes to quit trying to control people, situations and things which they have no business trying to control, the mantra of "Serenity" can be very helpful -- as it has been for other people with bad habits and addictions for decades.
One “definition of serenity is a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. Achieving this positive state of mind means you won't feel as troubled by life's ups and downs. ... Instead, it's an essential part of your body, mind and soul” (Source).
Another definition of Serenity is that it is: "a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. Achieving this positive state of mind means you won’t feel as troubled by life’s ups and downs as before -- hopefully. While addiction often brings chaos, a loss of control and emotional turmoil, serenity will help you stay calm and true to yourself" (Source).
"Others look at serenity as a sense of coming home to your true self and purpose. It’s not a luxurious, peaceful state. Instead, it’s an essential part of your body, mind and soul. Experiencing a state of serenity can help you avoid chronic stress and also tell you more about the activities that make you happy. It’s not just for monks, nuns and hermits hiding away in the mountains. Serenity can help you in Recovery and make a difference in how you view the challenges in your life." (Source).
Serenity can really come in handy -- particularly at times of crisis.
A lot of DV events and DV Charges probably happen when someone (or even both parties) are trying to control something that they simply cannot control.
There really is nothing like realizing and admitting to yourself at an awful time in your life, that you cannot control certain things. For example if you are heartbroken because someone left you; chances are, you cannot control their decision to leave you. And that's not always easy to accept.
Sometimes, for example, it can be a very sad admission, such as to have to admit that you cannot control the Cancer that is ravaging the body of a dear friend.
Other times, Serenity can be very helpful in enabling one to admit when one cannot control something that another person is doing. Or something another person wants to do.
Serenity, the Limits of Control and A DV Offense:
This is a mini Exercise about how our Serenity is sometimes sacrificed when we try to take Power and Control over someone, something, or some situation which we had no business trying to control in the first place.
- Name one thing about you that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:
>>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing that you are truly able to control 100 percent?
Name one thing about your partner that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:
>>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing that you are truly able to control 100 percent?
Dr. B proposes that many DV Offenses come out of someone trying to Control or Change something about another person that they truly cannot Control or Change.
Exploring Causation...
We really do not control as much as we sometimes think we do...
Once we accept that we truly cannot control hardly anything that we thought we could control; the question becomes: What can one do about the people, the things, the situations which one cannot control? Admit that we cannot control it, right?
The theory is that the sooner one accepts that they cannot control certain people, certain situations or certain things; the sooner they might feel a whole lot better about life itself. Yes, it might be a LOSS of some magnitude to let go of trying to control someone or something; but once we let go for good, the struggle will be over.
This can also become a great way to relieve stress. Just let go of trying to control or change things that you cannot control or change.
Also, this could lead to much more fulfilling relationships in the long run -- Relationships with fewer attempts by one partner or the other to try and control each other.
This is where Serenity Comes in. Why? Because the main property of Serenity is having the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can control or change; and the things that we cannot control or change).
It works in helping people recover from addiction as well. And it also works in helping people have healthier relationships.
Here are one Author's suggestions for ways to find Serenity in your own life:
"Give thanks: Start and end your day by giving thanks for all you have, whether it’s food, shelter, clothing or something else. (Learn to appreciate what is).
Practice acceptance: Life will always throw you curveballs, and it can get you down if you don’t practice acceptance. (Practice accepting what is).
Be kind: Acting unkindly toward others does not benefit you. Instead, be kind, and most others will in turn be kind to you. (Build up your Good Karma Bank Account).
Get enough sleep: Getting the right amount of sleep each night will help you wake up with a clear and relaxed mind. (Healthy Diet might help also).
Keep your environment clean: It’s hard to relax in a messy space, so keep your space clean and fill it with things that bring you joy. (Try to ignore the space that belongs to others).
Calm your wandering mind: Our minds easily drift away to unsettling thoughts when we let them. Instead, bring them back to what you love (a.k.a. Think of Love as the ability and the willingness to accept someone or something just the way it is... If we want to control someone, or if we want them to change; then we clearly do not LOVE them all the way. Right???).
Use serenity quotes: Hang serenity quotes on your fridge, around your home and in your car to remind yourself of your goals." (Check out these Serenity Quotes.)
(Source). (Highlighted Notes in parentheses above were added by Dr. B.)
“Peace is the simplicity of heart, the serenity of mind,
tranquility of soul, the bond of love.”
“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the
storm”
“Learn to be silent. Let your mind listen and absorb.” – Pythagorus
Finally, About The Serenity Prayer:
One of the most famous and most widely used Serenity Quotes is known as the "Serenity Prayer". Without promoting any individual Faith or Religion, one can admit that the Serenity Prayer has been known as a staple of AA, NA, AL-ANON, CODA, OA and ACOA Meetings for decades. A lot of healing has happened in conjunction with the Serenity Prayer.
It was also rumored that General Dwight D. Eisenhower (eventually to become U.S. President) had held close the Serenity Prayer during his planning and execution of "Operation Overlord" and/or D-Day -- Which facilitated the eventual End of WWII. He realized that he could not control whether or not any of the thousands of people who knew about the upcoming D-Day Invasion were leaking crucial information to the Nazis. Plus, he knew that tens of thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Pilots and others were going to perish on the Beaches of Normandy. He realized that it was bigger than him even though he was technically in charge and it probably would have been widely thought to be his fault if it all went wrong. And this could have costs tens of thousands of lives, if not more. Bus somehow, as the "Supreme Commander", he had to move forward and do his best to save the World from Hitler.
"The Serenity Prayer means letting go of situations beyond your control and taking action toward things within your control. It also means being able to know when things are within your control and when things are beyond your control" (Source).
The Serenity Prayer goes like this: "God, Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (Source).
Each of us could stand the benefits of the potential self-improvement of being able to consistently know our own positions regarding the following important tasks:
- >>> Being able to muster the Serenity to Accept the things that we cannot change.
- >>> Having the Courage to change the things that we can change.
- >>> And finding the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can change; and the things which we cannot change).
The Take home message here might be that Serenity could possibly help each of us feel a whole lot better about some of the most important things in our lives. If we really study it and begin to truly realize which things we can control; and which things we cannot control; then we could be a lot happier because we could stop chasing things that we will never catch. And further, we could start catching the things that we choose to chase.
Think of it this way... Just because I might be a dog; doesn't mean that I have to chase every car that goes by.
It's like Kenny Rogers sang, "You got to know when to hold them; know when to fold them; know when to walk away; and know when to run..."
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(Originally posted 3/8/2021)
Sources:
https://7summitpathways.com/blog/what-is-serenity/
https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/serenity
https://www.google.com/search?q=antonyms+for+serenity&rlz=1C1CHBF_en&oq=antonyms+for+serenity&aqs=chrome
..69i57j0i22i30l3j0i390j69i60.10978j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8
https://steverosephd.com/the-meaning-of-the-serenity-prayer/
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