Whenever we get into trouble of any kind, it is usually because of a Choice that we made and the Thinking and/or Behavior that we did prior to making that choice.
Hence, if our Values, Beliefs, Attitudes, Thinking and Behaviors are those that somehow permit us to act in negative ways or even to commit DV, then we will likely choose to act negatively or to Commit DV -- even if we did not know at the time that it was DV, or that it was illegal.
As a Mental Health Therapist and a DV Prevention Counselor or Treatment Provider, I have seen and heard many different types of thinking and attitudes from people who have gotten DV Charges (See below).
And I feel it is really important to know that this is not about anyone feeling ashamed; rather this is about people getting a really good look at some of what tends to under-pin or motivate DV-type Behaviors. This way it can hopefully be prevented.
And by the way, these are also things to watch out for in prospective future partners.
Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking that Could Lead to DV
This Lesson is about Learning about some of the Beliefs, Attitudes and Thinking can lead to DV or at least to some very negative patterns of thinking and behavior. This is not to point anyone out or to pick on anyone in particular. But below is a list of possible Less-Than-Helpful Thoughts and Attitudes that might sometimes lead to trouble.
So, first lets take an inventory of sorts, asking the question: What are our possible Attitudes And Types Of Thinking That Might Support and/or Promote negative behaviors or DV: And How can we possibly Avoid Them?
So, Which of these thoughts below seem familiar to you?
(Items marked with an * are items that might just as commonly be found among women as men.)
* -- Thinking that Relationships are Permanent and that they will Never Change.-- Thinking that I Own her (or him).* -- Thinking that I Have a Right to Control Who She (or he) Talks To or Spends their time With.-- Thinking that I have Privileges that she (or he) does not have. Like going out and drinking with friends.-- Thinking that it is My Right to Control All of The Money -- especially if I earn all the money.* -- Thinking that I do all the work around the house.* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to Judge Her (or Him) About Almost Anything that they do or that they Believe.-- Thinking that Because She's Female (or He's a Male), She (or He) is Somehow Less than I am.* -- Thinking that Because She has (He has) Committed to this Relationship with me That I Don't Have to Respect them 100% of the Time any more.* -- Thinking that I can Use The Kids To Get Her (or Him) To Do What I want them to do.* -- Thinking that Because She's A Woman (or He's a Man), they are Automatically Responsible for Certain Things such as Cleaning the House, Cooking and Watching the Kids -- or even putting gas in the in the Car, doing the Yardwork, or Keeping a Steady Job.-- Thinking that I have a Right to take Sex from Her (or Him) any time I want to because she is my wife (or He is my Husband).* -- Thinking that if I suspect (or even think I know) that they are Cheating on me, that I have a RIGHT to know any of the details --- much less ALL of the details.* -- Thinking that I get to determine what is FAIR, and what is not FAIR for us regardless of how she (or he) feels about it.* -- Thinking that it is My job to Teach Her (or Him), to Mold them, or to Make them do things the way I Want her them to do them.* ? -- Thinking that whenever we disagree, that it must be settled asap, and that one of us has to be right and the other one has to be wrong.-- Thinking that I am more powerful than her (or him) just because I am bigger, stronger and know how to fight better.* -- Thinking that Because we are together or even married; I have a Right to make her (or his) Family and others butt out of our business.* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) has me, they do not need to have anyone else in their life -- like no friends, no nothing....* -- If she (or he) already has kids from before; thinking that their other kids are somehow NOT my responsibility and that they should not be treated as well as we treat the children that we share.* -- Thinking that Because She (or He) chose to leave me; I have a Right to Alienate them from our children -- or from our friends, my family, or from anyone or anything else for that matter.* -- Thinking that my behavior when I am stoned or drunk or even blacked out does not count.-- Thinking that Because I make the money, she (or he) has no need for Education, Training or even a Job.* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Control where she (or he) Works and With Whom they Work.* -- Thinking that I have a Right to look at her (or his) Phone -- such as to see if she they are "cheating" on me.* -- Thinking that When I am Angry, I have a Right to break anything around the House as long as it is something that I Paid For.* -- Thinking that Because She is a Female (or He is a Male), that they are not as Smart as, or as Honorable as I am.* -- Thinking that doing things the way my own Family did them is the way it has to be.* -- Thinking that I have a Right to do things that I Like, even if they hurt their feelings.* -- Thinking that it is okay to verbally Disrespect or Threaten Her (or Him) as long as I do not hit them.* -- Thinking that it is acceptable for me to intentionally make her (or him) Jealous and make them believe that I am seeing someone else just to manipulate them.* -- Thinking that I have the Right to Manipulate Her (or Him) by Threatening to Kill Myself if they don't do what I want them to do right now.* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Call Her (or Him) Names.* -- Thinking that If I Accuse Her (or Him) of Cheating, or even Catch them Cheating that it will Solve anything.-- Thinking that Because I am Bigger or Meaner or Stronger or Smarter or Cuter than Her (or Him), that I get to make significant decisions (I.e., Choosing a place to live, buying a vehicle, or even naming a child) without also seeking their Approval.* -- Thinking that I have a Right to Humiliate her (or him) in front of others (or even privately), in order to get them to do what I want.-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to emotionally or physically hurt or Threaten to hurt or neglect the Kids or the Pets when we are not getting along.* -- Thinking that I am in a Position to determine what my partner is Really thinking or feeling.* -- Thinking that it is understandable and acceptable for me to say and/or do hurtful and/or destructive and/or embarrassing things when I am Angry.-- Thinking that it is Wrong to get help from a Family Member, Counselor, Therapist, a Good Friend, Doctor or Minister when we -- as a couple -- or even when either one of us -- as individuals -- are experiencing serious problems.* -- Thinking that it is okay for me to use our funds to purchase Alcohol or Drugs -- especially if I have an Addiction -- and even if we do not have money for our basic needs.* -- Thinking it is normal for me to NOT Trust her (or him) -- especially around people of the opposite sex.* -- Thinking that it is Acceptable for me to live off of her (or his) Public Assistance Entitlements such as Food Stamps, Housing, Tan-F or Disability without contributing.-- Thinking that as a Man (or Woman), I have "needs", Hence I have a Right to take a Mistress or a Sancha (Sancho) if they do not sexually please me the way I want them to.-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to keep, play, watch or listen to offensive and/or demeaning Music or Videos in the Home, or in the presence of Her (or Him) and/or the Kids.-- Thinking that as the Man (or Woman), it is My Role to intentionally use my Power Over them, or to Subjugate and/or Dominate My Partner, or even the Kids in order to Teach them to Respect Me.-- Thinking that while in this Relationship, it is Acceptable for me to keep company with people or even family or friends who are disrespectful toward Women / (or toward Men) or toward Children in general and/or specifically toward Our Children and/or my Partner.-- Thinking that Because I am the Man (or a Woman), I can single-handedly make important decisions regarding our Children (such as school, sports, church, or medical treatment etc...) without even considering the feelings of my partner.-- Thinking that it is Okay for me to Yell and Scream in My House because I feel Angry -- even if it is scary for others when I do so.-- Thinking it is Acceptable for me to Drive in a Scary Way when I am Angry.-- Thinking that during times when we are Troubled, Arguing or Fighting, that I have a Right to mess around with, Clean, Display, Brandish, Train, or even Practice with a Weapon -- such as a handgun -- of any kind particularly in the presence of, or even on the same property as My Partner and/or the Children.-- Thinking that She (or He) does not have a RIGHT to Love or even to Like any other person of the opposite Sex as much as they like or love me.
CAN YOU THINK of ANY MORE???
No doubt there are more out there. RIGHT???
Some Ideas or Principles about Preventing the Attitudes and/or Preventing the Thoughts that might constitute "DV-Type Attitudes", "Thinking" or "Behaviors" -- that might be DV include:
1. Always know that you and your Partner are basically Equals. You might not always notice their worth, but it is there. Neither of you is more important as a Human than the other. Treat your Partner like an EQUAL Partner -- for as long as you are partners.2. Always show RESPECT for your Partner and for the Children in every way possible. But above all, Respect yourself ... Always strive to find ways where BOTH you and your partner can feel respected.3. Obtain and Maintain a firm grasp on the separation of things that you CAN Control from the things that you CANNOT Control. Don't try to control things about your partner that you cannot control.4. Work hard to develop a Strong Sense of Empathy for your Partner and for your Children. Learn about what makes them tick and definitely learn about what makes them tickle. Remember, if it is flies that you want; Honey attracts more flies than Vinegar.5. Learn how to Communicate -- and learn that Listening is the MOST IMPORTANT Part of Communication. And in a Crisis type of argument with your Partner or with your Kids -- if it is physically safe to do so, ALWAYS try to sit down and listen fully to their point of view. Then work to negotiate and even compromise a Fair Solution. This way you will never be perceived as threatening.6. Remember that Fairness is not Fair, unless you both agree that it is Fair.7. Commit to always being HONEST with yourself and HONEST with your Partner. But be careful what you say, when you say it, and how you say it. Think before you talk.8. Do the Best you can for your Partner -- every time -- FOR YOUR PARTNER.9. Never Use the Children in any way to Hurt, Insult, or Relay negative messages to your partner; or to your Ex.10. Always be Accountable to Your Self and to your Partner. Be willing to sit down and listen to your partner's concerns and be as prompt as you can be in the efforts to take accountability for things that you have done.
Discussion:
What do you think?
Do I see myself in any of these descriptions. Do I -- or Have I -- thought of or done any of these things?
What kinds of thoughts and feelings might underlie these types of attitudes and thinking -- this "DV Thinking" that I have had?
Where do we learn these types of thinking and attitudes -- this "DV Thinking"? Quite possibly, I learned it from my Family, from Friends, From Society, or even from my own Cognitive Distortions
What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors -- this "DV Thinking" -- on my partner?
What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on our children?
What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on other people?
What could be the effects of such Thinking and Behaviors on Me?
Finally, when I think or behave this way -- with this "DV Type Thinking" -- does it really work for me?
Does it work for anyone? Probably not.
Does it get me what I want? No.
So, Why do I do these things?
Perhaps I will never really know why.
But what I can do is I can try really hard to change my own Thinking, my own Attitudes, -- my own "DV Thinking" -- and my own Behaviors.
And then I can try to move forward with a different type of thinking and a different attitude as well.
And perhaps then, things might work out better for me and for my partner and for our kids.
What do you think?
Always remember to complete your Session Feedback Form after each Session.
And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.
(Originally posted 4/19/2021)
Musica:
Right Place; Wrong Time (Dr. John)
Can't You See... (Marshall Tucker Band)
South City Midnight Lady (Doobie Brothers)
Love on a Two Way Street (The Moments)
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