What is Love? And How Might a Better Understanding of Love Help Us Avoid or Even Prevent Domestic Violence?

  I think we can all agree that romantic relationships, marriages, romantic partnerships are largely about finding love and perhaps, hopefully even keeping love -- for the duration...  But it seems we rarely ever really stop to think about what Love really is.

  It's to say that we all want LOVE.. and why is that???  Possibly if we are loved, then we belong... right?  And humans really do tend to want to belong to someone else; and / or something else like a group, a family, a club or a religion or whatever.... its usually good to belong......

So What Is Love?

  Think about it: What is love?  When I say "I love you" to my partner"; what do I really mean?  If I say that; what am I really trying to say?  And what does Love look like across different circumstances -- like how does a parent love a child versus how a boy loves a girl; much less how a girl loves a boy?  Today, we are going to explore this together.

  Some people believe that Men and Women tend to love each other differently,  One “Study author Elizabeth Schoenfeld, a researcher at the University of Texas in Austin, found that while men show love by initiating sex or sharing activities together, wives express love by being less assertive and more accommodating.”  On the other hand, "There aren't too many real gender and sex differences between men and women on the whole," said Stevie Yap, a researcher in the department of psychology at Michigan State University in East Lansing, according to HealthDay.  "If you look at the overall research, gender differences don't usually hold up." (Source).

  Whether it is for Men or Women; it seems that many (if not most) Humans have a strong desire to somehow find and experience love in their lifetimes.

How does Love Change as We Mature?

  “Our love moves from the higher arousal emotions of interest, amusement, and joy into the calmer positive emotions of serenity, gratitude, inspiration, and awe.”

  As we move from passionate to companionate love, “our levels of adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin get back to their normal state,” Rowbotham says.

  “They’re replaced by oxytocin, a hormone that’s released as a result of the physical closeness we experience with our partners.”

  Oxytocin, the “hug hormone”, calms you down and makes you feel more connected to your partner.

  According to one study, oxytocin can also make a person consider their relationship in a more positive light.”  (Source).  

  

But what is Love?  Let's look at some different ideas about love and definitions related to Love.

Quotes about Love found in the Holy Bible:

   “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”   (1 Corinthians 13:4). 

          “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man." (Proverbs 3:3-4).

     “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." (Ephesians 4:2).

     “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8).

     “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." (John 15:12).

     “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." (Corinthians 13:13).
   

     According to the Teachings of The Buddha: 
    
“Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.” 

 “You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” 

      “Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.” – Buddha


     And According to Islam:

    "The laughter of our spouse is one of the best sounds in life. Always try to make them smile and keep them happy In ’Sha’Allah"

     "Love is shown in your deeds not in your words"

     "A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."

 
     Per Hinduism:

       In Hinduism, kāma is pleasurable, personified by the god Kama. For many Hindus schools it is the third end in life.

       In contrast to kāma, prema or prem refers to elevated love. Love in Hinduism is sacrament. It preaches that one gives up selfishness in love, not expecting anything in return.

  It also believes "God is love". A sacred text named Kanda Guru Kavasa quotes, " Oh holy Great flame, Grant me with love.. You said the spreading love is Para Brahma, For the thing which is everywhere is only Love, And Love is the only thing which is like a soul within us, Love is Kumara, Love is Kanda" This simply means Love is God.

  The love of the Hindu deity Krishna with Radha and many other gopis (milkmaids) of Vrindavana is highly revered. His amorous dance with the gopis became known as the Rasa lila[50] and were romanticised in the poetry of Jayadeva, the author of Gita Govinda. These became important as part of the development of the Krishna bhakti traditions worshiping Radha Krishna.[51]  (Source).

 

      For the Sikhs:

        In Sikhism, love means love for the Lord and His creation. This is one of five virtues vigorously promoted by the Sikh Gurus. The other four qualities in the arsenal are truth (sat), contentment (santokh), compassion (daya), and humility (nimrata). These five qualities are essential for a Sikh and it is their duty to meditate on and recite the Gurbani so that these virtues become a part of their mindset.

  Love is a positive and powerful tool in the Sikh's arsenal of virtues. When one's mind is full of love, one will overlook deficiencies in others and accept them wholeheartedly as a product of God. Sikhism asks all believers to take on godlike virtues, and this perhaps is the most godlike characteristic of all. Gurbani teaches that Waheguru is a "loving God" full of compassion and kindness. It is the duty of the Sikh to take on qualities of this nature and to easily forgive, never hate anyone, and live in Waheguru's Hukam and practise compassion and humility.”  (Source).

“Eight Different Types of Love (According to the Ancient Greeks):

       “Eros” or Erotic Love.  The first kind of love is Eros, which is named after the Greek god of love and fertility.  Eros represents the idea of sexual passion and desire.”

       “Philia” or Affectionate Love. The second type of love is philia, or friendship. The ancient Greeks valued philia far above Eros because it was considered a love between equals.”

       “Storge” or Familiar Love.  Although storge closely resembles philia in that it is a love without physical attraction, storge is primarily to do with kinship and familiarity. Storge is a natural form of affection that often flows between parents and their children, and children for their parents.”

       “Ludus” or Playful Love.  Although ludus has a bit of the erotic Eros in it, it is much more than that. The Greeks thought of ludus as a playful form of love, for example, the affection between young lovers.”

       “Mania” or Obsessive Love.  Mania love is a type of love that leads a partner into a type of madness and obsessiveness. It occurs when there is an imbalance between Eros and ludus.”

       “Pragma” or Enduring Love.  Pragma is a love that has aged, matured and developed over time. It is beyond the physical, it has transcended the casual, and it is a unique harmony that has formed over time.”

        “Philautia” or Self Love.  The Greeks understood that in order to care for others, we must first learn to care for ourselves. This form of self-love is not the unhealthy vanity and self-obsession that is focused on personal fame, gain and fortune as is the case with Narcissism.”

        “Agape” or Selfless Love.  The highest and most radical type of love according to the Greeks is agape, or selfless unconditional love.”

Per Dr. Beverly: 

  “Love is the willingness & the ability to accept, admire, respect & possibly even cherish someone for the way they are right now, & right now, & now, & right now, & now…and as you both move into the future....”

What about Love Across Cultures?

“Given love is a divine thing, let us try to know how people in different cultures express their love to their dear and near ones :

France: According to experts, the dating landscape in France is quite different than the rest of the world. The French usually say ‘I Love You’ to their partner within two months of dating or relationship. Not only that, people introduce their lover to friends after a few dates and parents in between one to three months.

Japan: Surprisingly, Japanese language does not have any exact phrase that can be equal to ‘I Love U’. The closest phrase to ‘I Love You’ is “ai shiteiru“. Still this phrase is not necessarily voiced in a serious relationship. Therefore Japanese people uses other expressions to show their feelings or affection for their love.

Iraq: In Arabic, the word ‘ahibbik’ represents both love and like. Iraqi men in general pronounce this word to their love on their first meeting.

South Korea: Koreans do not say ‘I Love You’ much to their partners. They usually avoid expressing feeling verbally. As per experts, when anyone feels that he or she are in love, they get aware of it. That’s ok for them. But this tendency is increasingly changing thanks to the exposure to western cultures and movies.

Iran: In 20th century, a man saying ‘I Love You’ meant proposing a woman for marriage and is followed by his family meeting the woman’s parents to talk about their wedding. However, things took an ugly turn around 1979 when Islamic revolution brought in new social rules and started punishing couples who were not related to one another.

Nowadays when a man says ‘I love you’ can mean he is ready to take their relationship forward. Both Iranian men and women in general use this words to show their feelings to each other.

China: In the country, men in the age group of 20-35 usually say ‘wo ai ni’ to women as a sign of showing love or affection. Before saying the phrase, the couple can hold hands and hang out together but perhaps refrain from having intimate acts or publicly accepting each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Expression of one’s fondness or likings to others may surely be different from culture to culture. But the taste or eternal meanings of love is quite the same regardless of every single person.“ (Source).

Love and Domestic Violence: 

  Surely Love and DV are definitely NOT complimentary actions.  But yet, they sometimes seem to happen in the same relationships.  How does this happen?  Is it possible to have DV with someone that one loves?  Or, is it practical to believe that when there is Love, there is never Domestic Violence? 

  And if you now feel more confused about what Love is than when you started this little study here, then it appears that you got the message.

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(Quotes about Love in the Bible.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://www.theknot.com/content/bible-verses-about-marriage.).  (Types of Love According to the Ancient Greeks.  Retrieved 12/30/2017 from: https://lonerwolf.com/ different-types-of-love/).

(Quotes Compiled by Dr. Beverly, June 2018 and February 2022)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).