Making Better Choices in Order to Prevent DV Thinking and Behaviors: Poor Choices versus Mistakes, Accidents, and Victimhood

 Making Better Choices in Order to Prevent DV Thinking and Behaviors 

  Did you ever wish you could get a Do Over or Gimme or a Mulligan... Or a Retry?

  According to the DVOMB Core Competencies, DV Offenders must master the following Core Competency:

   H.  Consequences and Choice:

·          1. Offender accepts that one’s behavior has, and should have, consequences;

·          2. Identifies the consequences of one’s own behavior and challenges distorted thinking                 and understands that consequences are a result of one’s actions or choices.

·          3. The offender makes decisions based on recognition of potential consequences;

·          4. Recognizes that the abusive behavior was a choice, intentional and goal-oriented.

  According to The Information Processing Theory: “Developmental psychologists who adopt the information-processing perspective account for mental development in terms of maturational changes in basic components of a child's mind. -- Meaning, our mind develops as we think, feel and learn.

("The theory is based on the idea that humans process the information they receive, rather than merely responding to stimuli.”  In other words, we experience stimuli, then we think and feel, and then we behave (or react or even respond).  In other words, a Reaction or a Response is NOT automatic.  Typically it takes a decision, no matter how small.  So we cannot really blame what we do on a stimulus.

ONE CHOICE AT A TIME!!!

In other words -- We don't just respond or react.  We experience whatever comes in -- whatever someone else says or does to us; and then (in a split second  -- We make a plan (however small it may be).  And then we take action.

  So many times..... Don't you wish that you chose NOT to ACT at ALL? On the other hand, in some cases you might be glad you acted when you did?

  But you did do it..... You did what you did!!!  Right?  Or maybe not???

  And then after that, you get the Consequences -- Which may be positive (like a reward); or negative (like a punishment).  It's good to understand that consequences follow our behaviors.. and our behaviors follow our thinking and our feeling.  And our thinking and our feeling follow our perceptions of what is going on around us.

  Look at it this way... in terms of your DV offense... During the Offense, were you an Aggressor (aka, a Charging), a Retreater (aka, Running Away), in a Neutral Status (Neither Charging or Retreating), or a combination of more than one of these --- like a Co-Combatant. 

Another way to look at it is:

"The stimulus-response sequence is a key element of understanding behaviorism. A stimulus is given, for example a bell rings, and the response is what happens next, a dog salivates or a pellet of food is given. Behavioral learning theory argues that even complex actions can be broken down into the stimulus-response" (Source). 

  Think about it this way: Behavior is anything that we do, say, write, the way we act, how we eat, the way we sleep, how we ask for something, how we react to something (like a stimulus), and behavior also is BOTH a manifestation of what we think and how we feel; as well as, behavior often results from the ways we think or feel.  

  We experience our Stimuli -- things that happen to us, or around us, or involving us, or just happen nearby and we notice it.  And then we behave based on our perceptions, our feelings, our thoughts and our needs and desires related to that stimulus.

  SO.... Whatever happens to me -- Like say, my wife tells me that she met this really nice guy named Johnny Sancho or his Sister Jenny Sancha...  (That's the stimulus!!!  Get it???)

Then, I cogitate on it... like think about it... perhaps even ONLY for a second or two...

   And she's sitting there waiting for the response....   I cogitate some more... 

     Then, I respond:  (What would your response be?)

         Now.. .Was my response good for me or bad for me?  (or for others even?)

     BUT, Given the totality of circumstances... (What should your response have been?)    What might be the Risks what how I respond?

  If you find that there is a difference between what you should have done and what you actually did; then you are probably paying off the consequences right now.

  Do you understand???

EXERCISE: Poor Choices versus Mistakes, Accidents, and Victimhood

  Do you understand???

Which of the Following Are True For You in Relation to Your DV Offense":

Identify each of the following positions that are True for you:

  Put Your DV OFFENSE: ____(Insert your DV Offense Here.  State your behaviors here.)____ 

   SO..... YOUR DV OFFENSE Happened:

     Now.... Which ones of the following are TRUE for you in your Opinion?

       I am the Victim

         We were both Victims of Each Other....

           We were both Victims of the System....

              It was an Accident (Kind of or Totally)

                        I made a MISTAKE!

                          (But I did not know the consequences...)

                            I made a MISTAKE

                               (But I knew the consequences...)

          I made a Forced Choice

            I made a Justifiable Choice

               What I did was fair.

                   I made a Poor Choice

or.... I Knowingly made a Bad Choice.

 >>> According to Behavioral and Info Processing Theories, typically, only 1 or 2 things happen at a time -- We are talking split seconds here -- snap of a finger.. or blink of an eye....  

  So now, break down your offense in terms of 

    what happened -- 

    in terms of what you perceived happened --

    then what you thought happened -- 

    then how you felt about what happened --

    then what you planned (even in a split second) --

    and then what you did...

    and what were the consequences for everyone involved?

     AND FINALLY...... How'd that work out for you? 

and

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