Today, we are going to talk about what are probably Two of the BEST Ways to Avoid DV-Type Feelings, Thinking or Behaviors
First, let me ask you a few questions (Feel Free to Chime In). What would you do if:
>>> What if you and your partner had a really big fight last night and she (he) told you to leave; but you didn't. Not a word between you all night; and today, while you were on your lunch break, she (he) texted you that she (he) and your 3-year-old are moving in with his (her) mother for now, while they file for Divorce; what would you do??
>>> Let's say: you know a person is in an abusive relationship. Let’s say that you know it is abusive, because you have seen or heard it with your own eyes or ears. What would you tell her (or him) to do?
>>> If your partner was planning to start a job tomorrow at a place where lots of eligible singles hang out, what would you do?.
>>> If someone who is a Victim of Abuse told you that they are going to go back to their abuser because they have no power; What would you tell her (or him) to do?.
>>> If you got into an argument with your partner and you decided to leave so that you could just get away from the hurtful things they were saying to you; and then as you were driving down the road, they texted you saying: "And don't you ever come back here, you A__hole!!!"; what would you do?
>>> If someone who is close to you was being abused and they told you that they were going to go ahead and go home today because she or he wanted to Stand up for herself or himself What would you tell her (or him) to do?.
>>> If you had been worrying for a while about how heated and even disrespectful your arguments have been getting with your partner lately; and if they started talking about something that tends to make you very angry; what would you do?
For sure: NOW's a Great Time for either (or BOTH), a STOP, BREATHE,
FOCUS, RELAX, REFLECT and CHOOSE WISELY ---
and / or --- Take A TIME OUT!!! What-da-ya-Think???
When I'm not sure if I need a time out; then this technique helps me clear my mind enough to where I can decide wisely whether to take a Time Out; or whether to simply do this Stop, Breathe and Focus exercise and just move forward.
If violence is already happening. Or if I am really thinking about doing violence, then it is time to take a Time Out.
Otherwise, Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely can help me handle the situation in a constructive way. I can do this in the same room or in a different room.
In many cases, such a break could be a Time Out. However, if it is not that bad; then one can do a pretty simple, easy-to-do exercise that helps them relax and adjust their thinking such that they feel a whole lot more in control of their self; while feeling a whole lot less of a need to continue to try and control their partner.
Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely:
(Stop, Breathe, Focus, Relax, Reflect and Choose Wisely) can be done in as little as 15 minutes. Here is how you do it:
- Stop -- Stop Talking -- Stop Arguing -- Stop trying to Prove Something. Stop doing what ever I am doing, get alone for a moment -- if needed. Or just sit down if possible in the same room and (Stop, Shut yourself up, Sit Down, and Start Breathing -- slow, deliberate deep breaths). Either stay in that room where the argument was taking place -- and listen to the other person (only if it's safe to do that).
- Or if needed, go into another room where you can feel peaceful. Be by yourself for a few moments.. Listen to yourself. It's kind of like meditating. If you cannot leave the room where the problem is taking place, then at least sit down and shut yourself up. Stop talking. Stop reacting. Focus on you. What are you thinking? And listen to your partner.
- Breathe -- Breathe deeply (close my eyes if I need to), get into a nice comfortable posture, feeling your body, feeling your senses, body relaxed. All my weight on my but. Breathe deeply – in slowly and out slowly (feel my blood cells in my lungs becoming more oxygenated, and let that flow up to my brain and it makes me think more clearly at that moment). This can help me make better decisions..
- Focus -- Focus on your breathing. Focus on relaxing your body. Focus away from what ever has been happening that has you so frustrated. Focus on what I am facing. The reality. The pain. The Anger. The Fear. What am I afraid of? And what are the Possibilities (bad or good)?
- Relax -- Relax some more. Focus on breathing some more. Relax for a few more moments……. Take it easy…. Take some more deep breaths. SLOWLY. Get out of a hurry of the stress in that was in that other space. No hurry. Take your time.
- Reflect -- Reflect on what I would like to have happen for me right now or in the near future. How would I like for this situation to resolve? Continue to Relax and Breathe as you do this -------
- And Reflect on what I would like for this moment or for my life to be remembered for as I get older. Do I want to be remembered as someone with DV-type problems, DV convictions etc...? Or do I want to be remembered as someone who really cared for people and cared for myself, and showed it by doing the right thing(s) such as Stop, Breathe and Focus; rather than fighting?
- Disengage from the Craziness in that other space.... (Stop chasing the solution with that other person for right now.)
- Re-Focus -- Now, Re-Focus on what I need to do right now to feel better. Do I need to take a Time Out? (Remember... Sobriety is a must in these situations.).
- Think: "What -- if anything -- has to happen right now?"
- Does anything really need to be done right this minute?
- Is this an emergency? Probably not.
- Or can it wait for just a little while, or few days or weeks?
- Keep breathing deeply, Relaxing, Focusing...
- What can I do to turn this into a situation that works for me?
- And how does patience help me right now?
- Keep doing the deep breathing. Keep doing the right thing.
- Choose Wisely -- Choose what you need to do right now (if anything). Choose something that will BOTH prevent any more bad feelings regarding this situation right now; and/or something that will help you address the situation in a way that is non-threatening, peaceful, respectful, helpful, and a win-win solution for everyone.
- Or be patient until you have such a solution.
- (Then when you present a solution to the other person -- be sure to first: Listen to what your partner is saying; and also remember that as you speak about your ideas, you must be flexible).
- And always continue with patience.
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Taking Time Outs:
Taking Time Outs can be A Great Tool for Helping Keep Potential Domestic Violence Victims from Being Harmed; And an Effective Tool for Helping Keep A Potential Domestic Violence Offender from Becoming A Domestic Violence Offender.
In such cases, perhaps a Time Out is about to happen. Either that Police Person is going to recommend that one or both parties involved in the dispute take a Time Out. Or that Police Person is going to require that one or the other of the parties involved has to take a time out.
If the Police requires a Time Out, then someone is probably going to get arrested and charged with a DV-Related Crime.
Question: Do you need for a Police Person to come along and give you a Time Out when one is needed? Or can you take a Time Out on your own when one is needed?
When Should One Take A Time Out?
If one begins to think about committing violence, is thinking thoughts or feeling feelings that could lead to violence of any kind. Or if one has a history of losing their temper and one is about to lose their temper; it is time to take a Time Out instead.
One should be aware of his or her Red Flags that might indicate that one could be at risk of becoming violent.
When one feels Cues telling him or her that they are truly starting to feel like doing violence or feeling that one may soon be unable to control one's self, then it is definitely time to act. It is time for a Time Out.
How does One Take a Time Out?
Ideas on How to Take a Time Out in order to Prevent DV are readily available. For Example, Author and Family Therapist, Dr. Richie Cole (1993) suggested that things one should do include (These lists below are Paraphrased and Edited for inclusion):
Things to do when Taking a Time Out:
- 'Say you're taking a Time-Out and/or give the Time-Out hand signal
- Immediately leave the place you're at without getting caught up in an argument or explanation.
- Try to make sure you're positioned near an exit so your partner won't be in your pathway. If you push her on the way out, you've been physically abusive and re-violated.
- Go away from the place you are and do a relaxation exercise or some physical activity that will not reinforce abusive actions in order to initially deal with your adrenaline rush.
- Make a buddy contact with a group member (or a close friend) who's working the program. (This means you should have phone numbers in a few different places and always in your wallet.)
- Call or Text your female or male partner after about 30 minutes to let them know you're taking your Time-Out and that you're not doing something destructive to yourself, to them or to the relationship. Don't get caught up in a conversation and don't talk about the matter at hand.
- Tell her or him that you’re on your Time-Out and that you'll call them in a few hours.
- Notice if you need to do another relaxation exercise or some activity to deal with your physiological state.
- Do a control log analyzing your behavior. Don't examine her or his behavior.
- Think about how you want to non-abusively deal with the situation. You may need to road-map the situation.
- Make sure you stay away for at least four (4) hours since the adrenaline pump won't fully abate for at least that amount of time.
- When the time is appropriate call your partner and see if she or he is open to having you return and to deal with the matter at hand. If they are, return and deal with them in a non-abusive, assertive and empathic manner. Only return or talk about the issue at hand if your partner wants to do so.
- If the red flags reappear take another Time-Out.'
- 'Never try to give your partner a Time Out. She or he needs to make that decision for themselves.
- Don't give any parting shots, insults, threats or poor me-type signals. Just leave.
- Don't act abusively toward anyone.
- Try not to make this into a moral situation where you determine that she or he is wrong and you are right. Instead, I need to figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am doing that is not working for me.
- If there is a small child around, DO NOT Bring Them into the argument.
- Don't drink alcohol or use drugs or engage in other addictive behaviors.
- Don't stay with, or see another person who could be thought of as a potential partner; or even a friend or family member who is the same sex/gender as your partner.
- Don't do any behavior that will reinforce violent actions, Such as, martial arts, boxing, batting practice, shooting weapons, etc.
- Don't return home too early.
- Don't get caught up in an argument on the phone.
- Don't interact with people who will reinforce violent and controlling thoughts, behaviors, or beliefs.
- Don't think you're above and beyond a Time-Out.
- Don't forget or fail to clearly announce your Time-Out.
And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.
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