How do we do it? How do we plan for a New Year that will be free of Domestic Violence?
However, we still have the power to make this situation come out better for us -- in the long run. We have at least three choices here:
1. Do Nothing. Just sit around feeling sad;
2. Get even more angry and sad about it and everything else and then spend the next few months being resentful instead of learning how to prevent ever again getting arrested for Domestic Violence. Not feeling like learning how to have healthier relationships; Or
3. We can look ahead. Stop and take a good look at that rising SUN up ahead. Notice how the dark clouds above us seem to be ending about one-third of the way toward the Horizon out there. Ask ourselves a question: Are we going to sit here and obsess over those dark clouds? Or are we going to take advantage of the opportunity before us? In order to take those first steps? Are we ready to take the actions that we need in order to be willing and able to let go of the losses as we move forward -- as we move forward toward the Sunshine and hopefully a New Year without Domestic Violence?
Are you READY?
First, we have to be clear about what DV Is. What is Domestic Violence? Let's sample a few possibilities here.
According to the Violence Prevention Alliance, DV can be defined as:
"The intentional use of physical force or power, threatened or actual, against oneself, another person, or against a group or community, that either results in or has a high likelihood of resulting in injury, death, psychological harm, maldevelopment, or deprivation" (Source).
For further clarification about this important question -- (What is DV?) -- we also searched other parts of the Web. We found that according to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence:
“When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. (However) This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.” (Source).
Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Psychological, Spiritual, Cultural, Verbal, Financial, Racial and Neglect (Source).
And to that list, Dr. B might add: digital / electronic violence (via social media), as well as social violence (destroying reputation).
As for the Colorado law that defines domestic violence (DV) is CRS 18-6-800.3. It states that "“domestic violence” means an act or threatened act of violence upon a person with whom the actor is or has been involved in an intimate relationship" (Source).
Then this definition of DV brings out more questions about our topic, such as: What is Intimacy? What constitutes an intimate relationship? Does it have to be sexual, in order to be intimate? Or, can it be emotional only and still be intimate? Some scholars might feel that one can be emotionally intimate with another person, without having sex. Furthermore other people might define intimacy differently than that.
This brings us back to the questions of:
1. How do we define Violence here? Remember -- in relation to Domestic Violence -- Violence does not have to actually cause physical harm. It does not have to be directly against another person -- It can be against yourself. And the harm that it causes, does not have to happen right away. And further,
2. Does Domestic Violence have to only happen between people who have had sex? Or is Domestic Violence also possible between people who are emotionally close -- but have not had sex -- and may never have sex?
Historically, in the Domestic Violence Treatment Community, the Duluth Model a.k.a. the Duluth Power and Control Wheel has been a very popular model for generally pinpointing the types of DV. Basically, this model lists various behaviors that could be considered Violence; particularly in the context of an intimate relationship.
According to the Duluth Model website, The Power and Control Wheel was created In 1984, when the “staff at the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) began developing curricula for groups of men who batter and victims of domestic violence. The tactics chosen for the wheel were those that were most universally experienced by battered women”.
“Whereas, The Equality Wheel was developed not to describe equality per se, but to describe the changes needed for men who batter to move from being abusive to (having a) non-violent partnership. For example, the “emotional abuse” segment on the Power and Control Wheel is contrasted with the “respect” segment on the Equality Wheel. So the wheels can be used together as a way to identify and explore abuse, then encourage non-violent change” (Source).
According to the Power and Control Wheel, DV includes the following types of Violence:
- Physical and Sexual Violence (outer ring)
- Using Intimidation
- Using Emotional Abuse
- Using Isolation (Jealousy)
- Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
- Using Children (as a weapon against the other partner or Ex)
- Using Male Privilege (or Female Privilege)
- Using Economic Abuse
- Using Coercion and Threats
And the Object for each of us is to get from there -- The Power and Control Wheel -- stuck in those DV-Type Behaviors; to the Equality Wheel, and the opposite types of behaviors; which reflect Equality, and include the list below. Think of this part as how to plan for a Year with Healthier Relationships. Theoretically, rather than including the above Power and Control-type behaviors; Healthy relationships should include the following:
- Non-Violence
- Using Non-Threatening Behavior
- Using Respect
- Using Trust and Support
- Using Honesty and Accountability
- Using Responsible Parenting
- Using Shared Responsibility
- Using Economic Partnership
- Using Negotiation and Fairness
So how do we go about the task of planning for a Domestic Violence-Free Year? The First Step could be in getting our mind ready. Hence, we might need to back-track a little bit.
Think about the following questions:
- Name 3 things you lost as a result of this offense?
- Who else was impacted by this offense?
- What are some things they lost because of this offense?
- List 3 reasons to never again commit DV, or get charged with a DV Offense?
- List 3 reasons or benefits of having potentially healthy relationship?
In moving forward from here, we also need to consider these questions:
- Identify our strengths that can help us move forward. What are our strengths that could help us have healthier relationships?
- Identify our Risk Factors. Ask yourself, What are my Risk Factors? Risk Factors are those things that could get in the way of having a healthy relationship? (One can find a list of Potential Risk Factors at this link; or at this link).
- What are some ways that we can Neutralize, Eliminate, Avoid, or Suspend our Risk Factors' ability to impact us or influence us to commit DV?
- What are 2 Problems or Challenges that get in the way (or could get in the way) of our ability to be in Relationships or to LOVE without DV?
- Problem 1 is:
- Problem 2 is:
- For Each Problem or Challenge, we need to have its Goal:
- What would be our Goal regarding Problem 1:
- What would be our Goal regarding Problem 2:
- Each needs a plan:
- What would be our plan for solving Problem 1 – What steps would we need to take:
- What would be our plan for solving Problem 2 – What steps would we need to take:
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