If you would like to have a healthy relationship, you should probably start from a point of equality -- somehow.
Equality may be defined as: “The state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.” When it comes to DV, the concept of Gender Equality may also be pertinent. Gender Equality may be thought of in terms of: "Equal treatment of women and men in laws and policies, and equal access to resources and services within families, communities and society at large.
As well as in terms of Gender Equity," or "Fairness and justice in the distribution of benefits and responsibilities between women and men. Programs and policies that specifically empower women are often needed to achieve this".
According to conventional wisdom in Domestic Violence Prevention, healthy relationships should -- at the very least -- exist and/or operate within a context of Equality between partners.
And this sense of Equality is theoretically enabled through the following behaviors and/or attitudes (as highlighted on the Equality Wheel from the Duluth Model):
And this sense of Equality is theoretically enabled through the following behaviors and/or attitudes (as highlighted on the Equality Wheel from the Duluth Model):
- Non-threatening Behaviors
- Respect
- Trust and Support
- Honesty and Accountability
- Responsible Parenting
- Shared Responsibility
- Economic Partnership
- Negotiation and Fairness (see Duluth Equality Wheel)
What NOT TO DO:
Don't use Power and Control. When considering these aspects of the Equality Wheel, contrast them with their corresponding aspects of the Power & Control Wheel, such as:
Intimidation
Emotional Abuse
Isolation
Minimizing, Denying and Blaming
Using Children
Economic Abuse
Male Privilege
Coercion and Threats
Let's Take A Deeper Look at The Equality Wheel!
Think about it: What does Equality Look Like In A Relationship?
(Do you we this in our relationships?)
(It's kind of like Doing to Others as you would have them do to You.)
These attitudes or behaviors can have many different meanings to different people. For the purpose of this project, we will view them in the following ways:
- Non-threatening Behaviors: Means talking and acting so that she/he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing things. Reassuring your partner can be really helpful.
- Respect: Means "Listening to her (or him) non-judgmentally. Being emotionally affirming and understanding. Valuing opinions. Means being open to being wrong. It means accepting people as they are. It means not dumping on someone because you're having a bad day. It means being polite and kind always, because being kind to people is not negotiable. It means not dissing people because they're different to you. It means not gossiping about people or spreading lies. This would include "An ability to listen respectfully to the words and ideas of your partner without offering an opinion (good or bad) about what she/he says. An ability to allow your partner to do what she/he wants with whomever she/he chooses without trying to control it, put a stop to it, or punish for it."
- Trust and Support: Means "Supporting her goals in life. Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions." Trust may also be viewed as "A firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something" (Google Dictionary). Support is means: "To help maintain your partner by providing her/him with emotional, tangible, and/or instrumental support at times when she/he is willing to accept it.
- Honesty and Accountability: Means "Accepting responsibility for self. Acknowledging past use of violence. Admitting being wrong. Communicating openly and truthfully."
- Responsible Parenting: Means "Sharing parental responsibilities. Being a positive, nonviolent role model for the children."
- Shared Responsibility: Means "Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work. Making family decisions together."
- Economic Partnership: Means "Making money decisions together. Making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements."
- Negotiation and Fairness: Means "Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict. Accepting changes. Being willing to compromise." Fairness may be defined as: "The state, condition, or quality of being fair, or free from bias or injustice; even handedness.” Note: A "Fair" solution is not considered complete until both (or all) parties are satisfied.
>>> But what if I'm not already doing all of these things in my Relationship?
>>> But what if my partner (or Ex-) is not already doing all of these things in our Relationship?
>>> So what might be a solution for that? Might I be strong enough of a partner to go ahead and do these things for my own satisfaction; rather than waiting for my partner to do so first?
*** Could it be that the best way for me to get my partner to treat me as an Equal; is to Treat her or him as an Equal? It's that easy, right? Maby not... but it can work; if you work it. One day at time. If you cannot do it today; then try again tomorrow. It might take some time and effort... and patience and a whole lot of forgiveness... But we can do it!!! Right??? ***
So What does it look like when a couple is treating each other with the values that are proposed on the Equality Wheel?
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Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.
And Remember, it is never too early to work on another Treatment Plan.
Please note: Several Concepts (above) were described with help from other unnamed sources.
(c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).
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