Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement

Under Core Competency Item "F", it talks about Reducing My Patterns of Control and Power Behaviors: What does a Pattern of Control-Type Behaviors look like?  

  When people get into trouble for DV, it is very common to find that there was a pattern of Power and Control in place for one of both partners.  

  A lot of times, the people involved cannot see the pattern.  They focus on one or two elements and fail to take in the patterns throughout whole system.

What do Patterns look like?

  Perhaps it looks like a young woman trying to get her boyfriend to stop using addictive drugs.  (She has good and pure intentions), but it sometimes seems as though it might be impossible for her to accomplish such a task.  Still she tries this and tries that -- just like she did with herEx.

  Or Perhaps it looks like a guy telling his girlfriend to quit her job because he's jealous of some guy that works where she works.  Sometimes we can cannot see the big picture; or truly comprehend what we are looking at because we cannot see the whole forest due to the patterns in the trees.

  At times, we cannot see clearly because we are hyper-focused on that one thing that we are trying to control.  Sometimes we believe something because we are only looking at one part of it; rather than studying the whole thing before coming to a conclusion.

  What do Beliefs and / or behaviors that lead to Control-Type Behaviors look like?   

  -- Narcissistism

  -- Gaslighting

  -- Toxicity

  -- A misplaced need to Take Control over situations.  (Like thinking you are always supposed to be in charge.)

  -- Psychotic Delusional Beliefs with Sociopathic Thinking and Behaviors.

 Another task here is Reducing my Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement that contribute to my Patterns of Control and Power.  The assumption is that when I want to use power and control over something, I am entitled to do so.

  Am I really entitled to do so in all of these situations... ?  I if was, I might not have gotten arrested.

  And What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like?

  -- Conceit

  -- Privilege

  -- Rudeness

  -- Opinionated

  -- Greed.

  -- Over-Confident

In the process of better understanding our feelings of entitlement:

 We will be Recognizing our core beliefs that lead us into trouble in Relationships (Note: These core beliefs are not necessarily valid though they have been very popular at times).

Core Beliefs such as:

Some people believe in Male Superiority (Might makes Right);  Some actually believe that they have the Right to Control one's Partner, such as who they talk to; who their Friends are; Where they go and when and with whom they go.

Some people believe in Female Inferiority -- Whereas, the woman has to be led around like billi-goat by the man.  And the Man makes all the big decisions.  Further, the Man decides what is a big decision.

                  

 We will be Identifying specific forms or methods of control and power such as:

            Physical dominance.

            Exercising Entitlement

  Male Privilege.

            Economic Oppression.

  Ongoing impoverishment of women.

                 

 and We will be Demonstrating equality and respect in personal relationships.  What does that look like  in practice?  

 Joint Problem-Solving (Both saying what happens with the money.  And/or both working.

 Consensus- Building Agreement rather than Competing to be the Right one.

 Supporting and Valuing of Differences.

           Having Good, Healthy, Clear Communication that makes a positive difference even in negative situations. 

 

Patterns:

What does a Pattern of Control Behaviors look like? 

Perhaps it looks like a continuous thought-driven behavior process that is aimed at exerting control. 

What does a Pattern of Power Behaviors look like? 

A series of behaviors aimed at maintaining a sense of Power.

                    Can we make Progress in Life and Love without trying to Dominate people around us?

For example: Can a young man and a young woman successfully grow their healthy relationship, when one is trying to tell her who she can have as Friends on Facebook.

Unfortunately, Power often destroys more than it enables.

What is a Pattern?

Patterns happen in a step-by-step sequence of events that may or may or may not be repetitive.

Patterns tend to start somewhere and end somewhere and often repeat over and over again. 

Patterns often have a purpose, a goal or a series of steps, and objectives and can lead to a projected outcome.

 

A Pattern might look like this: 

At first I was happy to be with someone.

          Then I started becoming afraid that I was gonna lose her.  And I started tripping on her. 

And now, for some odd reason, I believe that I am entitled to control who may partner talks to, shares time with, makes Friends with across Social Media, who she eats with, who she sleeps with, and even who she dreams about at night.

Would this sort of Pattern lead a Relationship down a Healthy Path? 

Another way of looking at Patterns in Relationships -- From start to finish -- a Pattern of Control and Power Behaviors, Beliefs and Attitudes of Entitlement.  In other words, What are the steps that typically happen when I am using Power and Control Behaviors in my relationship?  Here is an example.  See if you can relate to this (although at times, at times it might seem rediculous)?

  This Might be Called "A Pattern of Delusion."

Step 1 might be:  I Wake up in a bad mood.

Step 2 might be:  I am Thinking about something she or he said about a dream they had last night.

Step 3 might be:  And Now I'm in bad mood.  I Was up half the night at the STRIP CLUB.

Step 4 might be:  I feel guilty so I Upped the ante...

Step 5 might be:  I decide to break up with her because she won't tell me who she dreamt about last night...

Step 6 might be:  She says, "OK.... No Problem."

Step 7 might be:  So now I am convinced she's cheating...   That's proof, right?

Step 8 might be:  I'm already 20 min. late for work and I tell her she has to move out because she cheated and I didn't..."

Step 9 might be: I know she cheated but I need proof, so when she's in the bathroom, I check out her phone.  I see a text from her Sancho, his name is Pat...  it said, "Hi, how are you today?... it's Pat."  So now I know really she's cheating..

Step 10 might be: Hence, I cannot go to work.  

Step 11 might be: I lose my job and I blame it on her.  I blame it on her cheating...

Step 12 might be: So she just laughs and heads out to go find another place to life.  Meanwhile, I am now convinced that she's definitely cheating.

Step 13 might be: After a few months of hate, sadness, anger, offensiveness, and a lot more nights at strip club, I realize that she  was not cheating... because Pat happens to be her female cousin...   But it's too late now. 

  So where are the FLAWS in MY PATTERN of CONTROL and DELUSION (above)?

Questions for Thought and Discussion: 

What do Beliefs in Entitlement look like in REAL LIFE?  

What do Attitudes of Entitlement look like? 

What are my Patterns of Controlling Behaviors?

What are my Patterns of Power Behaviors? 

What are my Pattern of Entitlement?