Thursday, July 9, 2026

Potential Risk Factors for DV: Help Prevent DV, by Identifying Risk Factors that Might Be Relevant to Your DV Troubles

  We know from research that certain things in our lives and things that we think and do can put as at risk of a DV Offense, or even a DV Re-Offense.  Yes, hopefully we are making progress in our DV Treatment.  One can click here to get an idea of what one has learned thus far in DV Treatment.  So it's good to learn about these things now:  Many things can put us at risk of a DV Offense or a Re-Offense.  Trying to be in control of another person is a big one.  It can be really educative and helpful to ponder what puts us at risk of DV.  Click Here!.
  A Risk factor in Domestic Violence is Something that increases a person's chances of committing Domestic Violence. For example, alcohol abuse is a risk factor for Domestic Violence.  If one drinks more alcohol under certain circumstances, he or she might be more likely to commit Domestic Violence than if he or she were not drinking alcohol. 

  According to the Standards for Domestic Violence Offender Treatment (2020) by the Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado (D V O M B), "the literature demonstrates that there are significant risk factors that should be considered in working with people  who have domestic violence offenses."  And, "the following are some of the risk factors identified in the literature that shall be considered in treatment planning and ongoing Treatment Plan Review. These risk factors may not be present at the initial evaluation, but may become evident during treatment resulting in a need for a change in treatment planning and intensity of treatment." (Colorado D V O M B Standards, 2020, p. 24-26) 

  As also noted on the Domestic Violence Risk Needs Assessment (D V R N A), a General List of Risk Factors for DV includes.  (Some of the Risk Factors below even have links to substantive articles about them): 
  • Violence / or Threatened Violence against the Family of the Victim, 
  • Unemployment, and
  • Involvement with Pro-Criminal Influences.
  There are different ways of looking for and/or measuring Risk Factors in DV.

  This is important because if we can better measure and understand a person's Risk Factors, we can start to help prevent DV.  By learning about who is at risk of what and under which conditions; we can then more readily address those items with that individual.

  We each should learn about what our potential Risk Factors are.  It is good for us humans to know about our weak spots, right?

  We also should learn about our Strengths -- particularly the Strengths that might help us prevent or eliminate the negative influence(s) of our Risk Factors in the future.

and

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 
(Originally Posted, 4/27/2020).

PLANS – PLANS – PLANS !!! Don't GET CAUGHT WITHOUT Your PLAN!!!

  A wise person once said, “Those who fail to plan; plan to fail.”  Or "If you fail to plan, you are planning to fail!"  Benjamin Franklin

  Hence it's a wise assumption, that Successful DV Treatment has a lot of Planning to it.  Right?


  What do we mean by Successful DV Treatment?  Is basically to end DV -- To get through DV Treatment and never again have DV in your life -- As a Perpetrator as a Victim..

  This takes some planning... and a lot of effort... and a little bit of luck.  But we can do it.

  These plans need to be done in order successfully complete DV Treatment:  In other words, IF I AM MISSING ANY ONE of the items below, then I might be falling behind in MY DV TREATMENT!!!

    In order to get caught up on my DV Treatment; I need to look over each of the Links below and then complete the Worksheet that can be found by clicking on the LINK at the end of each one.  

  And if you need help, Dr. B. will be glad to help you with this important task:  

Start HERE: 

>>> What are my Risk Factors? So What is a Risk Factor?

  A Risk Factors is: “Something that increases a person's chances of developing a disease. For example, cigarette smoking is a risk factor for lung cancer, and obesity is a risk factor for heart disease" (Source).”  Just like Alcohol can be a Risk Factor for Domestic Violence.   

Please Click her to Complete the assigned 

Potential Risk Factors for DV Worksheet


Another kind of Plan is a Treatment Plan:

  A Treatment helps me guide my treatment from the beginning so that my Treatment will be Successful -- which might even make me feel like a better person. 

>>> When was the last time I completed a Treatment Plan.  Read about it right here: Treatment Plan?


    *** Please Click Here to Complete 

Your Treatment Planning WorkSheet. ***


  This is about ME doing MY BEST to get the MOST out of my DV Treatment so that I will have healthier relationships and then I will be happier and so will my Partner(s).

  So now, let's talk about Personal Change Plans.  During a person's DV Treatment, they should do at least 3.  Personal Change Plans tend to be about 4-5 questions and they tend to take about 10 minutes each.  

 Is it Worth It to you???  I hope so.


>>> How many Personal Change Plans have I completed?

    

*** Click on this Link to 

Complete Your Personal Change Plan. *** 


Everyone should complete at least One Aftercare Plan draft before finishing DV Treatment: 

>>> How many revisions have I made to my AfterCare Plan?


                 *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete

               your Aftercare Planning Worksheet *** 


  In order to successfully complete DV Treatment, a person much complete all of the Mandatory Core Competencies.  Click below to read them and you will will see why.

>>> How am I doing on my Mandatory DVOMB CoreCompetencies?  

                        Click Here to Complete the 

             CORE COMPETENCIES WORKSHEET *


  The DVTPA (Domestic Violence Treatment Progress Assessment) kind of helps us know where we are in our DV Treatment -- That is if we answer it honestly.  This instrument contains a number of skills and bits of info that every DV Client is supposed to have mastered by the time they finish DV Treatment:


    >>> Have I completed a DVTPA Lately?  If not; It's TIME!!!

-------     

            *** Please CLICK HERE to 

Complete your Adapted DVTPA Worksheet ***


Session Feedback Form!         


(Originally Published 5/3/2021)

Risk Factors for DV Re-Offense or DV Recidivism

 Everyone who is participating in this Domestic Violence Offender Treatment has had at least one DV-Related Offense.  Unfortunately, the fact from the Research is that once a person has one DV-Related Offense; they are quite possibly at a higher Risk of Re-Offending than a person who has never had a DV-Related Offense.
 So, What's worse than one DV Offense?  
 Another DV Offense.  This is not a joke!  Right?
  It is the mission of your DV Offender Treatment Provider to try and help make sure that you never Re-Offend.
  We take this mission very seriously. 
  One way to avoid a problem is to fully understand the problem.  Therefore, we are going to talk about some of the problems that the Research indicates are often present when a person with a prior DV Offense, ends up catching another DV Offense.  These are called, "Risk Factors".
  Below are Some possible Risk Factors that are specifically indicated as potentially putting a person who already has a DV Offense at risk of a DV Re-Offense or Recidivism.  If I were you, I would take a long, serious and sincere look at this list and think critically -- "Does this potential Risk Factor relate to me, to my life, to my relationships?"  
  And then I would start thinking about good ways that I can make sure that this Risk Factor can no longer put me at a Higher Risk of having any Domestic Violence -Type Thinking, DV-Type Behaviors, or Re-Offenses.
  These Potential Risk Factors for Re-Offense Include the following: 
  •       Dropping out of treatment before treatment is completed,

  •       Fewer sessions completed,

  •       Younger in age,

  •       Unemployed,

  •       Less education,

  •       History of More psychological Abuse,

  •       History of More anger,

  •       History of More depression,

  •       Unchanged attitudes about women,

  •       Lower sense of respect,

  •       History of Using more discussion (Unable or Unwilling to Take Time Outs or to use Stop, Breathe, and Focus when a conversation is becoming Disrespectful),

  •       Failure to complete treatment,

  •       Lower social support (Not enough Emotional, Tangible or Instrumental Social Supports in one's life),

  •       Lower internal locus of control (Less ability to own my own thoughts and/or actions)

  •       Higher perceived stress,

  •       Poor problem solving skills,

  •       Poor communication skills (Difficulty Communicating Respectfully when Angry, Upset, Insecure or Unhappy),

  •       Lower feminist awareness (Lower Awareness about Sexism or the Impact of Oppression on Victims),

  •       Lower awareness of ones psycho-dynamics (Ego, Id, Super-Ego + Social),

  •       Poor alliance with therapist, (Unable or Unwilling to Trust or Be Genuine with the Therapist)

  •       Personality disorders including: Borderline, Avoidant, Antisocial, Self-Defeating, Schizoid, Aggressive/Sadistic, and Passive-Aggressive; Increased psychopathic traits or tendencies, or Narcissistic.

  •       Substance Abuse difficulties,

  •       Poor family relations,

  •       Child behavior problems (Having a Child with serious problems; and/or having a History of serious behavior problems as a child),

  •       Having a child with the victim,

  •       Lower Social Economic Status in Community,

  •       Lower Socio-Economic Status,

  •       Having been abused as a child, and

  •       History of Trauma.

  For each of the Risk Factors Above, one should be able to make a suggestion as to what a person could or should do to help make sure that this Risk Factor will not contribute to them having any more Domestic Violent-type Thinking or Behaviors as well as Re-offending.

  *** Please CLICK HERE to Complete your 

  Also!  Be sure to complete your Session Feedback Form (below), as well as an Absence Attestation Form for each one of your Absences.




Sources: 
(Retrieved 1/6/2020 from: https://digitalcommons.unl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1084&context=psychfacpub
Domestic violence treatment response and recidivism: A review and implications for the study of family violence
Robert M. Sartin; University of Nebraska–Lincoln, rmsartin@syr.edu
David J. Hansen; University of Nebraska-Lincoln, dhansen1@unl.edu
Matthew T. Huss; Creighton University, mhuss@creighton.edu
University of Nebraska – Lincoln; DigitalCommons@University of Nebraska - Lincoln
Faculty Publications, Department of Psychology, Department of Psychology).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Friday, June 26, 2026

A Problem-Solving & Conflict Resolution -- In Search of a Model that works

DRAFT POST!  Please DO NOT PRINT, 

DO NOT RE-POST, and DO NOT COPY.


When you have a problem:  (First we have to admit...)

(AA Model is a good model)

Stay calm, Consult with someone who knows something, Have some plans, be flexible, Think about, Write down some ideas, One Step at a Time / Small Objectives leading up to Larger Goals.

And remember: You got to laugh at yourself.

Work on Preventing or Avoiding nasty Confrontations. 

Do some critical thinking...   Be honest with yourself... 

Let others be honest with you.   

It helps to have open communication with your partner.  

Learn how to Communicate about it -- Talking and Listening.

  (Being sober helps with the listening.)

Be willing and able to make changes.  

Keep Your Confidence.  Be Confident.  Keep Secrets if people ask you to... unless of course...  If someone is in danger and revealing the secret to the right person could help prevent that danger from coming through.

Believe in Miracles / Realize that you cannot control everything.

Be Open-Minded.  Be Willing to Try New Things.

Maintain your Respect for others; and your Self-Respect.

Stay in the Present Moment.  

Think it through Logically -- 

Try to apply a Cost-Benefit Analysis.  

Always consider the potential costs.

"Know when to hold them, Know when to fold them.  

Know when to walk away, and Know when to run." (Kenny Rogers)

Count your blessings.  Be grateful.

Have a Sponsor who can help remind you to keep doing the right thing.

The SAMHSA Conflict Resolution Model: 

  "This Conflict Resolution Model is one method you can use to act assertively. 

  It involves five steps that can easily be memorized." 

 

 1. Identifying the Problem. This step involves identifying the specific problem that is causing the conflict (for example, a friend’s not being on time when you come to pick him or her up). 

 2. Identifying the Feelings. In this step, you identify the feelings associated with the conflict (for example, frustration, hurt, or annoyance). 

 3. Identifying the Specific Impact. This step involves identifying the specific impact or outcome of the problem that is causing the conflict (for example, being late for the meeting that you and your friend plan to attend). 

 4. Deciding Whether To Resolve the Conflict. This step involves deciding whether to resolve the conflict or let it go. In other words, is the conflict important enough to bring up? 

 5. Addressing and Resolving the Conflict. In this step, you set up a time to address the conflict, describe how you perceive it, express your feelings about it, and discuss how it can be resolved. 

 • What is the purpose of using the Conflict Resolution Model?

 • Identify the five steps of the Conflict Resolution Model and apply it to an example of your own.


 36 Assertiveness Training and the Conflict Resolution Model Participant Workbook 


  Someone suggested using DNA Testing to determine if a relationship could work out.  

But AI said:  "Experts agree that DNA cannot reliably determine a "perfect" partner. While some dating services analyze immune system genes (HLA) to predict physical chemistry or scent-based attraction, genetics do not dictate relationship success, shared life goals, or emotional compatibility."


Other Ideas:

Wait for the right time.

Educate yourself about the thinking and acting skills involved in having a successful relationship.

Wait for the right feelings to come along.

Look for "the right foreverness" -- a Relationship that can last forever.  

Perhaps one of the first a things a person should do is spend a lot of time making decisions about what kind of partner you want before you go out.


Discussion Questions:

What is one Relationship-Related Problem You Feel You Need to solve?  


   "."


What might be your first step to you solve it?  


   "."


What is one quality that you really want in a Relationship Partner?  


  "."


Technique -- Discussion.


Monday, June 22, 2026

DVOMB Core Competencies -- On the Street


THIS IS  A DRAFT POST.  

DO NOT COPY, PRINT or DISTRIBUTE:

Also, Please follow these links and read the text below: 


Please Follow This Link to the Core Competencies List


Keep Reading Below:

 "Domestic Violence and General Criminality Clients shall meet the following required competencies related to Domestic Violence and General   "Criminality generally refers to behavior that violates established criminal laws or the state or quality of being a criminal"

Criminality:

1. Define all types of domestic violence and abusive behavior (reference working clinical definition of domestic violence) and demonstrates acceptance of accountability and responsibility for offending and abusive behaviors.8

  Questions:  Accountability versus Responsbility: "While often used interchangeably, responsibility refers to the obligation to do the work, while accountability is the ultimate ownership of the outcome. You can delegate responsibility to others, but you can never delegate accountability" (According to AI).


2. Identify the history of current and former patterns of domestic violence behaviors and thought regarding onset, frequency, and persistence. This includes awareness and discuss the intent of previous grooming tactics.9

  DV Behaviors, Patterns of Behaviors, Onset of DV, DV Behaviors, Frequency and Persisetence.  Plus Intent and Grooming Tactics.


Discussion Point: Clients may invoke their 5th Amendment right for current or pending cases. While Approved Providers shall not unsuccessfully discharge an offender from treatment solely for refusing to answer incriminating questions, a treatment provider may opt to discharge a client from treatment or not accept a client into treatment if the provider determines a factor(s) exists that compromises the therapeutic process.

3. Identify and challenge cognitive distortions and belief systems that plays a negative or unhealthy role in the client’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

10

Discussion Point: The research on the intrinsic factors that motivate a client’s offending behaviors and attitudes is still emerging. Approved Providers are encouraged to explore the underlying sources " of offending. This May include specific personality traits or disorders, certain types of cognitive schemas, and other considerations. 

4. Recognize and manage dynamic risk factors and adaptive skills to mitigate those risk factors.

11 The following potential competencies may be required when clinically indicated for General criminality:

12 • Recognize and manage current procriminal attitudes and behaviors. • Identify, acknowledge, and manage use of mood-altering substances. • Identify the history of current and former pro-criminal behaviors, thoughts, and associates 


Self-Regulation and Self-Care Clients shall meet the following required competencies related to Self-Regulation and Self-Care: 

5. Demonstrate and implement self-regulation skills to include but not limited to emotional regulation, stress management, communication skills, anger management, conflict resolution, problem solving, delayed gratification, parental and financial responsibility, etc.

13 

6. Demonstrate the ability to discuss past experiences and how any unresolved trauma may impact offending behavior as a way to adopt effective coping strategies.14 

Discussion Point: The goal of this competency is to understand how past experiences have impacted the client and what ways they can deal with these issues differently in non-abusive ways. 

7. Develop and maintain prosocial activities and networks to include but not limited to completing education, maintaining employment, obtaining stable housing, life skills, recreational and social activities, etc.

15 The following potential competencies may be required when clinically indicated for the client to meet: • Identify, acknowledge, and manage mental health needs and the development of supports.

16 • Identify, acknowledge, and manage the need for crisis management and stabilization (i.e. suicidal or homicidal ideation, housing insecurity, client decompensation). 

17 • Identify, acknowledge, and manage their own reintegration into the community.

18 • Identify, acknowledge, and manage boundaries. • Identify and promote healthy sexual behavior, intimacy, and relationship skills. 

19 • Increase ability to recognize attachment issues.

20 Survivor Impact and Community Safety Clients shall meet the following required competencies related to Survivor Impact and Community Safety: 

8. Demonstrate insight about the impact of their domestic violence offense on all individuals and promote victim empathy when clinically indicated.

21 Discussion Point: Demonstration of this competency regarding the impact of a domestic violence offense can include, but is not limited to accountability letters, victim empathy panels, and surrogate offender and victim dialogue. Opportunities for any therapeutic work between the client and the identified victim or secondary victims may be done after the client has completed domestic violence offender treatment during aftercare. 

9. Increase understanding of how intergenerational patterns of family, peer group, community, and culture can normalize domestic violence and foster attitudes and responses that condone and tolerate domestic violence.22 

10. Develop and implement safety plans to address risk factors and potentially high-risk situations.

23 

11. Cooperate with supervision requirements, court orders, and the terms and conditions.

24 The following potential competencies may be required when clinically indicated for the client to: • Increase understanding and demonstration of parental responsibility to enhance and ensure the wellbeing of the children.

25 Discussion Point: If the offender has abused any pregnant partner, this may need to be addressed as an additional competency. In such cases, the client should demonstrate an understanding and insight that abuse during pregnancy may present a higher risk to the victim and unborn child. 


-- Sample DRAFT Questions from Upcoming Core Competencies Exam:

1. The core competencies for domestic violence offender treatment are essentially a list of Concepts, facts, and skills that a person who has a DV offense should probably learn about in order to help them prevent domestic violence in the future. 

True or false

2.  The core competencies for domestic violence offenders and treatment in Colorado are intended to help a person keep from doing any more harm to the person or people who were victims, or could become victims and another domestic violence offense has committed by this person who already has a domestic violence offense.  

True or False

3. My personal change plan essentially includes themes, ideas and expressions of commitment that could help me develop and improve on ways that I could prevent domestic violence in the future.   

True or False

4. I have a pretty good ideas of how my domestic violence related thinking and behavior negatively impacted the life, or lives of the victim(s) of my DV Offense. 

True or False

5.  Mastering your core competencies can help a person too improve their life, improve their relationships decrease the possibility of having another DV type offence, and possibly even help improve the lives of others.  

True or False

6. The main reason for domestic violence treatment is to thoroughly punish the person who committed the domestic violence. 

True or false

7. One primary reason for domestic violence treatment is to help a person who has previously committed domestic violence to be better able to prevent domestic violence in the future. 

True or false

8. One of the reasons for domestic violence offender treatment is to help make potential domestic violence victims safer.  

True or False

9. The main reason for domestic violence treatment is to help domestic violence victims feel better by making domestic violence offenders suffer.  

True or False

10. Intimidation, psychological cruelty, and/or coercion toward one's partner or children is not necessarily abusive.  

True or False

11. Demonstrating change in one's thinking and behavior is a primary reason for consistently attending domestic violence treatment sessions.  

True or False

12. Demonstrating how a DV Offender is making positive changes is one of the main purposes of completing a comprehensive personal change plan.  

True or False

13. A good personal change plan helps a person show that they are committed to preventing domestic violence in their lives in the future?  

True or False

14. It is important for a person with a domestic violence offense to be able to understand his or her Risk Factors for committing another domestic violence event.  

True or False

15. There are two different types of risk factors for domestic violence; static and dynamic.  Static Risk Factors are things that one cannot change such as their criminal history or some of their personal characteristics such as the color of their skin; or whether or not they have a history of drug or alcohol abuse.  Where as dynamic risk factors are risk factors a person can change like whether or not they continue to drink alcohol or use drugs.

True or False

16. It's perfectly okay to threaten one's partner for certain things as long as one does not physically hit them unless of course they did something real serious like cheat on them.   

True or False

17. It's typically okay for one to physically correct ones wife or husband as long as one does not hit them hard enough to leave a bruise or break the skin.   

True or False

18. Typically a person can just stop being abusive overnight. It's just a matter of making a decision. 

True or False

19. Working on abuse related issues and monitoring them is an ongoing process.  It generally takes learning some new information such as how to spot abuse and one's own thinking and behavior, trying to make some needed changes, monitoring progress, and sticking to it as the process unwinds.   

True or False

20. Coercion is just another non-abusive way of convincing somebody of something.   

True or False


Monday, June 15, 2026

Perceived Failure Versus Confidence Building and then the Good old Relationship-Re-Try or Do-Over

DRAFT POST.  Please do not Post, Copy, Print or Email to anyone.  This is a DRAFT POST.

What is Failure?

What is it like when I feel like We Failed? 

What is it like to feel like I Failed?


But What if breaking up is more of a Process; than a Failure?

Failure as the "Price of Honest Effort."

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHARGES as "FAILURE"

  Is Failure even real?  

  Or is Failure a word or concept representing something that did not go my way?

  DV as a Failure to maintain Peace in a Relationship.

Yet, Life and each event in life could be viewed as a Process.

Life is a Continuous Process. 

"Treat each dawn as a clean tablet."

Then -- considering this: Is there room for SHAME?

Does SHAME Help?  Probably not?

Does Critical Thinking Help?


Acceptance of Failure brings a sense of Freedom.


Afterall, we tend to learn as we go.


Sometimes, we just need a Do-Over... 

Start-Over and use what you learned last time.

(Learn from your Failure.)

Tomorrow is another chance to succeed.

Choose Again and Learn Again.  (When ready...)

Otherwise we go stagnant.


What remains is the work on STARTING OVER.


This is about Teaching Success.  


The Virtues of Restarting -- Starting Over -- 

An Ernest Do-Over:

Separate what is Real from what is not.

Choose and Move Forward

Patience

Empathy

Listening

Agenda  And Flexibility

Attention

Forgiveness  (Forgive yourself too)

Common Purposes

Ability to Compromise

Set Clear Boundaries.

Just Set Forth the Non-Negotiables and then begin


What is Success to you?  Priorities?

What does Success look like when Applied to your current situation?

What are 3 of your next Steps towards Success?


Check out this video, "stoic quotes on failure youtube" https://share.google/kzirPlcGjSD4Qo65S 


Monday, June 8, 2026

Wow!!! Why am I here? Now... how did I get here... But What Good Is This??? What is going to do for me or for anyone else??? What Does Anyone Get Out of Being in DV Treatment?

THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  

Please DO NOT COPY, PRINT, DUPLICATE, SAVE or SHARE!!!

 Wow!!!  Why am I here?  Now... how did I get here...  What does it do for me?  What's it gonna do for me?  

  I got here.  Now, what do I have to do here?  How is it going to help me?  What's it gonna cost?

By What Good Is This Group or DV Treatment???  

What is this going to do for me or for anyone else???


So now, Think: "Why are you here?"

  • Maby I am here to learn how to NOT respond to everything physically or verbally in a confrontive or a defensive way.  Not be so defensive.

  • To learn how to prevent it from happening again.

  • To help people to want to be around me.  Like in a relationship.

  • Maby need to talk about it because that is what lead up to it...  somebody might have gotten hurt or killed. 

  • Might think of a way to help us communicate better.

  • Or to be able to grow and move on from it.
  •  
  • I am here because: I might resolve some stuff and then feel like I need this treatment.  I might learn that it doesn't just revolve around that one situation.   

  • I think a lot of people should take this class...  (And if they are willing and able to be open to it; it helps more.)

  • I'm not here because I did a bad thing.  I'm here to change myself... to change the way I handle relationships.  And hopefully in the long run, to be happier.

  


How did I get here?  

  •   I got drunk, then I Let my emotions get the best of me, then I got drunker... then I went to see my boyfriend ... He was talking shit to me adn he started talking shit to me... and I was already mad and was not going to let him disengage.. even though he wanted to... he elft, then she followed him home.  And she accused (by him) of breaking his door down.  "I was talking a whole bunch of shit."    She was even admittedly accusing him of this and that too.  "I just snapped."

What did you learn?  What do you now know?   

  • "I learned that sometimes, when I get upset, maybe I say things I should not say."


  What is the purpose of me being here in this DV Group?  

  • "My purpose in here is to grow and move on from this and to learn to be less angry and to learn NOT to hit anyone."

  What do I need to do or say to show myself and others that I Can I own my part of why I am here?  

  To learn how to how to be able to say what needed to be said in Group --- that demonstrated serious and sincere ownership.

  • "I did something that made him want to get back at me -- that gave him a good excuse to want to get back at me.  I did technically cheat.  I held another person's hand.  That's what I did to get back at him.  He was angry about it.  And it was drinking for 3 days straight too.  And I started drinking, which made everything bad.  That's why when I did not hit him back ot get back at him, he called the cops because he just wanted me to pay for what I did.  He wanted me to be away from him.  It was technically cheating.  I am already with him, married to him and we have moved on as much as we can so I can still learn more and grow from it... so I can avoid doing what I did ever again..."
  •   "I learned a lot actually...  that I should not hit people.  That I was taking someone for granted that I loved.  It was a lot of things.  I am still angry about a lot of things.  And I am still trying to get over it."
  • But "honestly, all of this brought us closer."


Start Here: What is Abuse?  Really?  

  • "Physical, mental, emotional...  
  • "Like hurting
  • "Taking someone's soul out of their body... Just draining of their energy.. control.."
  • "Isolating them."
  • Technically, abuse when  one over-uses someone or something to the point of harm of self or other or both.
What is Abuse Made of?
  • Violence.  
  • Insecurity.
  • Anger.
  • Frustration.
  • Intolerance.
  • Revenge.
  • Fear.
  • Past Traumas.
  • A hopeful solution that turns out horribly wrong.


knowledges past/present violent/controlling/abusive Thinking and/or behavior.  (When one says this term below; what do you think?)

  • Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive:
    • Healthy is communication and working through problems.  But Abusive is fighting, arguing, and maybe even being violent.
  • Understand, identify and manage my own pattern of violence.  Like what is your pattern of violence?
    • If I get mad, I might become verbally abusive -- unless I can calm myself down and not let it get to me.
  • Defining different types of abuse: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation and all other types of DV  
    • Coercion -- "Manipulating so that one can maintain control."
  • Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples; 
  • Identifies specific types of DV engaged in; 
    • Physical and verbal abuse.  
    • Manipulation.
    • Verbal Abuse.  
    • Emotional Abuse.
    • Drinking and Drug
  • Explores motivation for Abusive Thinking and/or Behavior;
    • "Feeling hurt, Feeling Cheated, Feeling used or taken advantage of, being manipulated, gaslit, told what to do, drinking, being hurt,"  
    • Should be noted that sometimes when we feel we are being hurt, we are actually NOT being hurt. It was our mistaken perception that made us so angry.
  • Is able to talk about it without defensiveness or blame;
    • Yes.
  • Defining all Types of DV including Physical, Verbal, Social, Emotional, Economic, Using Children, Disrespect etc...


Thursday, June 4, 2026

The Goal of Always Doing the Right Thing In Relationships

 DRAFT POST.  Please do not copy, print, or distribute otherwise. 

      "RIGHT PLACE -- WRONG TIME" Dr. John

  The philosopher Socrates once said, 

  "Let him who would move the world; 

first move himself."

  What does this mean?

  Please tell me:

  How does one know the difference between the right thing and the wrong thing in a relationship?

  Is it possible to always do the right thing no matter what the circumstance?

  Okay sometimes something gets in the way of doing the right thing....  correct?

  Then is it possible to always aim at doing the right thing? No matter what the circumstance?  No matter what gets in the way...

  And is it possible to always have a goal of doing the right thing always trying to reach that goal no matter what in a relationship?

  Please Give me an example of a difficult relationship situation we're doing the right thing could be impossible or at least a challenge?

  In order to do the right thing in a relationship we probably have to first know what is right and what is wrong or at least be open to learning that as we go. Is that correct?

  And what if the right thing to do could be the right thing morally but possibly not the right thing legally or possibly not the right thing pragmatically. Or doing the right thing legally might not exactly be the right thing as far as getting what you want but at least it's the right thing legally.

  If we value having healthy relationships that last then we would probably value doing the right thing in a relationship correct?

  Is the right thing necessarily what keeps the relationship together?  

  And for people who believe in that, wouldn't doing the right thing in relationship be possibly considered a relationship virtue?  

Without violating each other's rights.

   Then comes the question is a virtuous relationship necessarily going to be a happy relationship or is a happy relationship going to necessarily be a virtuous relationship?

  And we know that being virtuous or at least holding on to continuing to work within our own sense of values and ethics or virtuousness helps us really create a solid Persona underneath our skin. Correct?

  Socrates' star student Plato had a set of Cardinal Virtues.  

  His Cardinal virtues were essentially wisdom, justice, courage and moderation.

  How might those cardinal virtues apply to this conversation we're having here?

  Discussion questions: 

  "What is one thing that you're pretty sure you did in your relationship that was wrong?" 

  "Now what was one thing you did in your relationship that was right?"