Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

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Core Principles in Healthy Relationships -- And How to Prevent Domestic Violence

Assumption: If a relationship is Healthy there will not be any Domestic Violence -- 

What does a healthy relationship look like:

• "I don't think it exists"
• Communication
• Understanding
• Trust
• Faith in each other.  
• Takes two to work on it  
• Relationships need work (Understanding, Trust for sure, A desire to make it work)
• Both can be Right at the same time
• Possibly some Faith in God (Humility)
• If you find the right person, you can fall into it.  (When two people fit each other)
• Compromise
• Ability to overcome preconceptions - Ability let go of prejudices.
• Similar Values.
• Religious compatibility.
• Same wave-length.
• Honesty
• Respect
• Altruism / Charity / Ability and Willingness to do Good.
• Humility
• Willingness to Grow  (Focus Group ... In DV Groups)

How does DV contribute to Relationships Failing

"More than one-third of women and one in 12 men have experienced intimate partner violence in their lifetime , according to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey. Anyone would agree that’s too many. If you’re asking yourself what you can do to help, read on. Below, 10 steps you can take to help stop domestic violence in your community.

1. Know the signs. Domestic violence can happen to anyone—white, black, young, old, rich, poor, educated, not educated. Sometimes violence begins early on in a relationship and other times it takes months or even years to appear. But there generally are some warning signs. Be wary of the following red flags an abuser may exhibit at any point in a relationship:

• Being jealous of your friends or time spent away from your partner
• Discouraging you from spending time away from your partner
• Embarrassing or shaming you
• Controlling all financial decisions
• Making you feel guilty for all the problems in the relationship
• Preventing you from working
• Intentionally damaging your property
• Threatening violence against you, your pets or someone you love to gain compliance
• Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to
• Intimidating you physically, especially with weapons

2. Don’t ignore it. Police officers hear the same thing from witnesses again and again—I heard/saw/perceived domestic violence but didn’t want to get involved. If you hear your neighbors engaged in a violent situation, call the police. It could save a life.

3. Lend an ear. If someone ever confides in you they are experiencing domestic violence, listen without judgment. Believe what they are telling you and ask how you can help, or see this list of 25 ways to help a survivor.

4. Be available. If someone you know is thinking about leaving or is in fear the violence will escalate, be ready to help. Keep your phone with you and the ringer on, make sure you have gas in your car and discuss an escape plan or meeting place ahead of time.

5. Know the number to a nearby shelter. You never know who might need refuge in a hurry. Keep numbers to shelters (find local shelter numbers here) and the National Domestic Violence Hotline in your phone (800-799-7233).

6. Check in regularly. If a loved one or friend is in danger, reach out regularly to ensure his or her safety.

7. Be a resource. Someone experiencing violence may not be able to research shelters, escape plans or set up necessities like bank accounts and cell phones while living with his or her abuser. Offer to do the legwork to help ease stress and keep things confidential. Here’s a list of items a survivor may need to take with them.

8. Write it down. Document every incident you witness and include the date, time, location, injuries and circumstances. This information could be very useful in later police reports and court cases, both criminal and civil.

9. Get the word out. Assist a local shelter or domestic violence organization in their efforts to raise awareness in your community. Or use your personal connections to start a grassroots campaign. Organize talks at your workplace wellness fair, HOA meetings and church groups.

10. Put your money where your mouth is. Use your power as a consumer and refuse to support the culture perpetuated in music, movies, television, games and the media that glorifies violence, particularly against women."

(Source).

For Prevention of DV -- Core Principles:

Healthy Relationship Tips: How to Have a Good Relationship.  Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust, and open communication, where both partners feel supported, safe, and equal. Key principles include setting healthy boundaries, embracing individuality while staying connected, and managing conflict through constructive, honest dialogue. Commitment to mutual growth and nurturing affection are essential for longevity. (Mark Manson)

Core Principles of a Healthy Relationship:

Mutual Respect: Partners value each other's opinions, feelings, and boundaries without trying to control or change one another.

Trust and Safety: A secure environment where both individuals feel physically and emotionally safe, allowing for vulnerability without fear of retaliation or judgment.

Open Communication: Proactive, honest, and kind communication, including active listening and expressing needs directly rather than expecting partners to guess.

Equality and Compromise: Decision-making is shared, and both partners contribute equally to the relationship's maintenance and conflict resolution.

Independence and Individuality: Maintaining personal hobbies, friendships, and self-care routines outside of the relationship to avoid codependency.

Support and Empathy: Encouraging each other's goals and offering compassion during difficult times.

Constructive Conflict Resolution: Addressing disagreements calmly and respectfully, focusing on solutions rather than winning arguments.

Appreciation and Affection: Regularly expressing gratitude and affection to keep the connection strong. 

(Johns Hopkins University)

How to prevent Unhealthy Relationships .. prevent DV and have Good ones.:

Be able to identify healthy vs unhealthy relationship

Learn about what is a healthy vs. unhealthy relationship (From healthy sources)

Psychological concepts are not always very well understood.  Kepep it simple.

Remember that people are complex and unique.

Respect boundaries

Don't be so controlling

Don't be defensive or unable / unwilling to communicate

Call out unhealhty behaivors ina healthy way.

Don't just disappear -- 

Own your own bad behavior.

Get perspective

Get out of Denial -- Stay out of Denial

Keep in touch with supports (Healthy supports) (Frinds, trusted adults, support lines, formal suposrts).

Healthy relationship sloook like communication.

Trust.  Being abel to be vulnerable, trusting, comfrtable with eiach toher.

SImple things like listening, taking in other people's interests.

Knowing each other's boundaries.

Giving each other tips on how to improve each other.

(_Source)

Videos:

THE IMPACT OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON LEARNING

Kids Taught to Prevent Domestic Violence

Domestic Violence Awareness

A Strategy for Domestic Violence

Expert shares tips on preventing domestic violence incidents

Stopping Domestic Violence

Prevent Interpersonal Violence

DIscussion Questions:

1. What would be at least one thoughtful -- yet brief response to describe each of these Characteristics (listed below) of a healthy relationship) ?

Core principles  of healthy relationships? 

Core Values,  of healthy relationships?  

Core Skills of healthy relationships? 

Core Goals of healthy relationships?  

Core Objectives of healthy relationships? 

Core Characteristics healthy relationships

My Personal Mission Statement is for Prevention of Domestic Violence in my Life

  Regardless of what happened or how it happened, if I was named in the Court Case, then I was probably involved.  

  And now, I am choosing to never again be involved in Domestic violence...  NEVER AGAIN!!!  So how might I do that?  

  Could it be that perhaps I need a Personal Mission Statement?

  In order to plan for this, we need to take a good look at our own values.  Our values tend to project our thoughts, our feelings, our desires, our needs, our beliefs, our past, and our shortcomings among other things.  Many of us carry our values around like billboards so that everyone can see them.

  Some folks get Morals and Values confused.  And “While morals may feel like they are usually imposed from the outside, values are natural and personal in character” (Study.com).  So for the purpose of this discussion here today, Values and Morals are essentially the same.

  So here are some questions for us to ponder:

  What are our values?  

  How do our values impact our lives?  

  How do your values impact the lives of others?

  What is My Mission Statement?   

  Great Questions!  Well, Our Missions in life tend to be based on our Values.  We usually gotta believe in something before we really want to make it happen bad enough that we will develop the drive to actually make it happen.

   First, It might help to know what a Mission Statement is. It can sometimes be challenging to separate our Mission from our Values and Goals.  In fact, our Goals and our Mission can sometimes be intertwined.   So let's check out a few popular Mission Statements.  For example:

 Even McDonald's has a Mission Statement!  For example: McDonald’s says, “Our mission is to make delicious feel-good moments easy for everyone.  This is how we uniquely feed and foster communities” (McDonald’s).

Martin Luther King “refused to allow prison, violence or the threat of death sway his end mission. Instead, he stood beside his goal of achieving rights for all through nonviolent protests. Dr. King maintained a vision for a more diverse America where all people enjoyed the benefits of equality” (The National Civil Rights Museum).

“The goal of the Grateful Dead was to provide a high quality experience with high quality music. They wanted to play great music for people who were really into music. There were choices they could have made along the way that, while more profitable, would have meant abandoning their true goal”  (Anne Grady Group).

And “The Red Cross, born of a desire to bring assistance without discrimination to the wounded on the battlefield, endeavors—in its international and national capacity— to prevent and alleviate human suffering wherever it may be found. Its purpose is to protect life and health and to ensure respect for the human being”  (The American Red Cross). 

  Types of Values might include: Personal Values, Professional Values, Social Values, National Values, Religious Values....

  In this particular case, it is important now to know that for each one of us involved in DV Offender Treatment: "My Personal Mission Statement is for me to be able to prevent any more Domestic Violence in my life." 

  Let's see if we can we agree on to the following:  

  Whereas, according to the Courts, I have had some Domestic Violence in my Life.  This problem may have created costs for others and for myself including costs related to: Time, Money, Trust, Emotional or Physical Trauma, Stress, Pain, Mental challenges and numerous other resources.  

  Therefore, I have decided I no longer want DV in my life.  In order to make that Mission come true, I need a Mission Statement 

 "A meaningful personal mission statement contains these basic elements. 

1. What I want to do?  –  "What I want to accomplish?  What contributions do I want to make and to whom?... to what?"  And finally, "What do I hope to get out of it?"

2. What do I want to be?  Like...  How do I want to be viewed or perceived by others when my Mission is done?  –  And what character strengths do I have to help me accomplish this?   Also, What qualities do I want to develop during this process.  How do I want to grow?" and

3. I need to keep in mind that an effective Personal Mission Statement must also be doable for me.  

  In order to create a good Personal Mission Statement: I have to be honest with myself; I have to be Flexible; willing to listen to others who mean well; and I have to be strong.  I need to have more positive energy in my life -- in other words, I first need to try and let go any negative energy that I am holding onto.  Then I need to have some faith in the present and the future.  In order to create more positive energy in my life, I may also need to develop more skills related to being patient.  I may need more of a positive outlook, more tact (or be more appropriate with others), and I may also need to develop a sense of good will.  Doing good in my life would not hurt either.  Also, I need as much Mindfulness as I can get.  

  I CAN DO this!  But first, I will have to be committed to making better decisions, as well as correcting my errors, and then following up by doing the right thing(s)!

  So I need some important tools: including knowing myself better, knowing what other things I need, what I want, what I like, how I love, my feelings, my anger, my respect for everyone -- including myself, my boundaries, my morals, my resistance, all of my wisdom -- all the energy that I can muster, my courage, and my needs and wants in a relationship, etc...  I also need to be aware of the things and situations that I simply cannot tolerate.  

  Furthermore.  I also need to know what I am capable of; and what I am not capable of.  I need some reliable ways of knowing when things are truly good; as well as when things are not good.

  And Finally: In order for me to prevent DV from happening again in my life; I will need to recognize the warning signs -- the Red Flags!  

  I have to be able to manifest and promote a lifestyle that can accommodate healthy relationships as well as one that is without violence of any kind.

Knowledge Building Questions: 

  “It's time to start building On My Individual Values in order to create My Personal Mission Statement for Domestic Violence Prevention”.  First I need to know the following:

Question: “What are some of my Personal Values as they relate to Relationships and Prevention of DV?"

Question: “What is my Mission in Life as it relates to Relationships and Prevention of Domestic Violence?”

Question: “How might my Values and / or my Mission in Life help me to Prevent Domestic Violence in my future relationships?”

  And this is how I am going to do it: I am going to Feel, Think, Love, Listen to my Heart, be Honorable, Plan, Act, Respect others, Command Respect for myself, Re-Assess, and then go for it again... 

*** Please Click Here to Complete your 

Personal Mission Statement To Prevent DV *** 

Make an Emergency Toolkit in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  It is time to begin putting into practice some of the things we have learned in Domestic Violence Treatment.  Are you ready for this? 

   For people who take Domestic Violence seriously, an Emergency Toolkit can be a great tool for helping prevent another Domestic Violence Offense.  It's easy.  Its free.  And It works!

   This week, we are talking about how to make an emergency toolkit (physical or digital) that includes things you can easily do in order to prevent DV, avoid DV; or to de-escalate potential DV.

   Think about it: What types of things help you avoid DV?  

   Clearly patience is a virtue and is probably one of the best strategies to help avoid a crisis or DV; however, lots of us need more than just patience.

   When one starts having DV-Type thinking or DV-type feeling; it is time to reach for an Emergency Toolkit for prevention of Domestic Violence. 

   Sure, you might think this is silly.  But an Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit can mean the difference between a successful, happy and healthy relationship; and miserably failed relationship with the possibility of another DV charge.  So Ask yourself:

• Do I take Domestic Violence seriously?
• Do I want another Domestic Violence - related offense? 
• Am I NOW completely done with Domestic Violence in my life?
• Am I committed to preventing Domestic Violence in my life in the future?
• Am I ready to eliminate my Domestic Violence-type thinking?
• Am I ready to change my Domestic Violence-type feelings?
• Am I ready to find better, non-violent ways of preventing DV in my life?

Think about it.  What Would I Do To Avoid Another Domestic Violence Related Offense:

• What would I do if I think my partner is not being very responsible with money?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I was intoxicated and my partner physically attacks me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I feel that my partner is being an emotional bully to me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully them or I am acting like a bully right NOW?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually everything -- every possible solution that I can think of seems to be abusive?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I heard that the Victim Advocate is trying to get in touch with the victim / who happens to be my partner?

• What would you say?  What would you do?

What Would You Do To Prevent Another DV Offense?

• Let's say, You were living with your child (age 7) and your partner refused to quit drinking or using drugs?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are pretty sure that your partner is having an affair with someone at work and your partner has left their cell phone on the dresser while they are in the shower?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are standing in the living room with your partner.  And your 5-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Your partner starts an argument that is likely to get loud.  
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that s/he is leaving you and that s/he is taking the kids and that you will never see them again?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner’s ex calls to speak with him/her on the phone.  You rudely ask “why” and he/she says “It’s personal.”  (And they don’t even have kids together.)?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Say you and your partner just had a really awful fight and there was disrespect as well as threats to leave.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that they have close friends of the opposite sex and they have no intention of dumping them.
• What would you say?  What would you do? 
  
  
• Let's say, Your partner is intoxicated and you have been arguing.  They take the keys and the baby and head toward the car saying they are leaving.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

  >>> What would you say or do?  What would I do if faced with this situation or a situation that is just as challenging.

  My theory is that DV trouble often happens due to a decision made at this point...  So what we want to do is figure out how to make a much better decision than I did when I got into trouble.  And that's not always easy.  But it's doable. 

  It starts with a willingness to think critically... to be willing to second-guess assumptions that one already has. <<<

Now -- Answer the question: Why do you think or feel that the solutions that you thought of here might be the best solution(s) for you at this time? 

• It goes deeper than just behavior though, right?
• It is more than just thoughts, right?
• It is also about feelings, right?   

         So, we put all that together... and that's what we are working on in order to prevent DV.  There's a lot to this.... Relationships are complicated aren't they?

 

The first step could be to learn about your DV Cues:

  DV Cues are feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, notions, inspirations and other influences that tell you that it is time to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.  

  Remember:

>>> DV Cues can be Dangerous!!!  -- Very Dangerous -- Especially if ignored!

• How do I know when I am in Danger of DV Happening?  
• Ask Yourself: What are my DV Cues?

• But YOU CAN STOP YOUR DV CUES from getting you into trouble. 
• The First Step is to figure out what your DV CUES are.  (So what are some of your DV Cues?)

A DV Prevention Emergency Toolkit is an Excellent Compliment to Understanding Our DV Cues:

  What is in a DV Emergency Toolkit?  You tell me: What are some things that can help you prevent DV in your life -- besides making really good choices about who you are going to be with?  Sure, we all have frustrations; but sometimes we tend to blow them up -- way out of proportion.  Then we get into trouble.  And at those times, we also tend to NOT think very clearly.  

  This Toolkit is about reminding ourselves about what to do in such times, so that we do not end up blowing things way out of proportion.

  A Domestic Violence Prevention Emergency Toolkit is something that you put together in order to help you STOP your DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Thinking.  And this will be in order to avoid DV-Type Behaviors.  

  And the Best time to stop it is before it starts.  

  But if it starts, that's also a great time to stop it.  

  A good DV Emergency Toolkit might start with a list -- Like a LIST of Ideas, Things and Supports that help you avoid DV.  

  What are some behaviors or preventive techniques you can use to STOP DV when you think or feel it's about to happen?  

  These things might include the following:

• Be very careful who you are involved with.

• Find ways to Reduce your own stress level. without alcohol or other substances.

• Take a Time out.

• Stay sober.  (We know that alcohol and drugs can increase the possibility of DV -- as well as the possibility of getting arrested should a confrontation happen.)

• Learn how to use Stop breathe and focus.

• Be Creative (Draw a picture, write a poem, take a photo / edit a photo, hum a tune... especially a new tune that you are making up as you go...).

• Practice your Anger Management Skills.

• Do deep breathing exercises -- Mediate if helps you think more clearly.

• Study the Possible Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.   Learn what your risk factors are for DV.  Reverse your Risk Factors for Recidivism (in order to reduce your risk of Re-Offense).

• Go to work.  Get a job... Or at least go and do some volunteer work.  Stay productive.  Stay busy.

• Be nice to EVERYONE you meet --- on purpose.  Watch their reactions.  Let it nourish  your soul.

• Research about the Importance of Trust in Relationships.  Are you really TRUSTING  your partner?  Are they really trusting you?  Make a list of reasons why you could trust your partner.  Make a list of reasons why your partner should trust you. 

• Go shoot some baskets, volleyball, tennis or some other sport, work out, and walk around the park.

• Take one day at a time.  Try to let tomorrow alone for a while.

• Let go of things you cannot control.  Just try to let them go!

• Consider the potential victim's rights.  -- Think before you act.

• Practice your Right to remain silent; especially if your silence is not hurtful to your partner. 

• Try to be Helpful to your partner.

• Separate from your partner for the day.  You don't even have to tell them you are doing this.  Just take a day to yourself.

• Get Couples counseling (If this is currently permitted for you.  Current DV Offenders in DV Treatment are not allowed to do this per the D.V.O.M.B.)

• Do good things for the kids, the old folks or the infirmed people in your community.

• Promise yourself to never be violent.

• Watercolor.  Color outside the lines ON PURPOSE.

• Study up on the Philosophy of Nonviolence (Read MLK, Gandhi, Cesar Chavez, The Bible, The Gita, The Torah, The Koran).

• Choose equality (compromise and harmony) over power and control (abuse).  Learn about both and start identifying where both appear in your life.

• Commit to Accountability.  Commit to being Accountable (commit to being responsible for thoughts emotions or feelings).

• Keep in mind; It may be Better to separate briefly, now; than to do so permanently later.

• Let it go.  Turn it over to a higher power.  Pray if it works for you or makes you feel better.  Or take some quiet time to yourself.  

• Focus on controlling yourself rather than controlling your partner.

• Catch yourself... and then stop monitoring your partner (never look at her/his phone, her/his private journals, or her/his private belongings).  Never spy on your partner.  Just don't do it.

• Learn about what LOVE really is.  Look it up.  Google "LOVE".  Review your feelings about what Love Is after you read about it.  Now that you know what Love is; Try to figure out: Do you really LOVE this person?  (Are you sure..... Is this really love?)

• Listen to some music; or play some music.  (Sometimes, music without words is best in that it might help one think peaceful thoughts.)

• Do an Art Project to relieve Stress.  Do some finger-painting.

• Do some grounding exercises.  Google: Grounding exercises!

• Try to view your situation through your partner's eyes.  If you were her or him, what would you want you to do at this point in time?

• Try to view your situation through your children's eyes.  If you were them, what would you want you to do at this point?

• Learn that if you are in a healthy relationship, you don't ever NEED to prove that you are right when it comes to your partner.

• Try to stop making assumptions.  Stick to what you know.  Learn the FACTS.

• Quit interrogating your partner about where she or he was, where he has been or who else was there.  Remember: Jealousy can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

• Quit judging your partner.  

• Learn about what Intimacy really is.  int: it's not always about sex.  Think along the  lines of a sense of equality, trust, respect, altruism, humanism, and fairness... etc..

• Write a poem or write a song.

• Put things into perspective.  Get professional help -- Call someone who can help you.

• Remember: You can eventually attract more flies with honey than with vinegar -- if you  want flies.  So Be NICE to everyone!  No, this does not mean you should return to a your partner while they are being abusive to you.

• Realize that While you MUST NEVER try and control your partner; you do need to  control yourself.  You should try to control yourself enough to keep from causing harm to others or to yourself.

• Study up on what being Psychologically "Healthy" looks like.  Are you in touch with your emotions?  How do you really feel?  Spend some time figuring that out. 

• Let go and let your higher power or God or Allah or the Lord Buddha do whatever needs to be done.

• Never fight.  (Once you disrespect your partner; You are fighting) -- Never call her or him names.

• Learn how to Apologize with Sincerity -- and then follow it through.

• Do not speak to your kids about problems with your partner.

• Practice ways to De-Escalate a heated argument.  Remember to sit down.  Be quiet.     And listen carefully.  But never sit there and abuse them or be abused by them.

• Accept that our lives as humans are constantly changing.  And that we cannot (and in   some cases, should not) try to control the changes but so much.  Study the phenomenon of CHANGE.

• Encourage your partner to think for themself.  Respect his or her reality.  Value   her / his   point of view -- especially if it's different from yours'.  

• Avoid catastrophizing the situation by threatening to break-up.  Do not threaten to leave or to do harm to yourself or to anyone else.  If you want to leave, then do it.  But don’t force yourself to do it today.  Don’t do it when you are angry.

• Take a Walk.  Walk your pet(s).  Walk around with your kid(s).  Walk alone.

• Go fishing.  Go birding.

• Go to a self-help meeting if there is one that is available and covers what you need.  Try Codependents Anonymous, or Alanon, or ACOA, or AA or NA.. Or Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Over-Eaters Anonymous.  They're available on the Internet too.  Try Googling them.

• Build something.  Fix something.  Make something.  Create something with your hands.

• Do something that makes you feel whole and confident. 

• Remember, it's never too late to learn new coping skills for preventing negative moments in a relationship. 

• Plant a garden.

• Above all, promise yourself that you will be RESPECTFUL to EVERYONE the whole time -- No matter how angry you feel.

• Send yourself a text or an email with a list of ways you can prevent DV in your life.

• Be open to making good changes in your life.

• Be open to making healthy changes to how you think about things, how you feel about things, and how you do things... 

• Always be willing to learn something new that could help improve your life and/or your relationships.

• And finally, be PATIENT. 

BEST ANSWER:  SERENITY -- 

• Accept the things that you cannot change.  
• (In time) change the things that you can.  
• And strive to know the difference between what you can change and you cannot change.

*** Please Click Here to Complete 

your Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit Worksheet. ***

(Originally Posted 8/2/2021)

Sources: 

 -- Many Sources are cited above.  Please press the HyperLinks to see the Sources.

(Originally posted, 11/26/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).