"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a charge related to Domestic Violence; then perhaps it is because I have some sort a glitch in my thinking, my communications and/or perceptions when it comes to relationships.  But if this glitch adjusted properly; I might be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life.  Hence, it could be a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  One good question to ponder at this time could be: Am I up for making some sort of a change in my life and the way I conduct myself while in relationships?    

  If so, then what about making a Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior?

  Admittedly, sometimes, we just cannot see to stop abusive behavior from happening, other times, we know that we can.  But what if it is me who is doing the abusing?  Or even worse, what if it is me who is accused of doing the abusive behavior?

  What can I do?  Take accountability for it; walk away; take a minute; stop and think about it; take nice deep breaths; get some help; and/or make a change: 

  According to AI: "The likelihood of reoffending for a misdemeanor domestic violence offender is high, with studies showing rates as high as 53.5% within a certain timeframe. Several factors increase this risk, including a history of prior offenses (especially serious ones) and substance abuse.

  Other studies indicate that one-third to over half of domestic violence offenders may be re-arrested for a new crime, though not always a violent one. 

  "These are results for what is the likelihood that a misdemeanor domestic violence offender will reoffend?  

   What might be some of the factors that increase the likelihood of reoffending:

Prior criminal history: offenders with previous criminal convictions are significantly more likely to reoffend.

Severity of prior convictions: A more serious prior conviction increases the likelihood of a new conviction.

Substance abuse: offenders who violate sobriety orders have a much higher likelihood of reoffending.

Age: Younger offenders have been found to have higher recidivism rates.

Number of prior arrests: The more an individual interacts with the criminal justice system, the more likely they are to have future contacts. 

 Other Important Considerations include:

Varying recidivism rates: Different studies report varying recidivism rates depending on the time period studied, the population, and the specific metrics used (e.g., new arrest vs. new conviction).

Type of offense: While some re-offenses are for violent crimes, others maybe for less serious offenses, such as probation violations.

Effectiveness of (DV Treatment) programs: The effectiveness of common court-mandated batterer intervention programs in reducing recidivism is debated, as some research suggests they do not significantly reduce re-offense rates or change attitudes about violence, though this area is still being researched" (Source).

 The bottom line is that many of us need to be open to making positive changes in our lives in order to avoid committing more domestic violence against the people who we say that we love.

 

Speaking of Change:

  Realistically, what percentage of people who have done abusive behavior in their past are willing and capable of making such a change? 

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change, I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this: 

     - having the courage to change the things that I can change, and 

     - having the wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things         that I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- serenity, courage, or wisdom?  Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though -- right?  If so, then we probably need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had a prior DV event -- and/or a prior DV Charge is a risk factor, can I change that risk factor?  Or is it permanent?  This is what is known as a static risk factor, because one cannot change the past.   

  However, one probably can change whether or not the potential still exists.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major risk factor, then one could possibly change his or her potential for DV by drinking or not drinking alcohol.

  What about making changes within a given relationship?  Could one make changes within the relationship that could possibly impact the future probability of having DV in that relationship?  Yes, possibly. However, it may require that both partners want to make a change.  

  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners might need to be involved in the change.  

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question.)
• A desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The knowledge and skills needed to get through the change.
• The right tools for the change (i.e., help from others, patience, commitment, and perhaps even courage...).

  In some cases, courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes courage.  What is courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like changes might require courage, wisdom and commitment.

  So what does courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when one needs help.
• Courage helps one ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes courage to really listen to oneself.
• It often takes courage to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot change.
• It may take courage to change the things that I can change.  
• It could take courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward: rather than backwards.
• It may take serenity to Accept things I cannot change.
• And it probably takes wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I cannot change.

  

Things that one might have the courage to change could be related to:

• Quitting alcohol or drug use.
• How one handles their anger.
• One's attitude.
• One's peer group.
• How one thinks about certain things.
• How one reacts to certain things.
• How one feels about certain things.
• One's level of accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's behavior.  The courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

Think about it: What might each type of courage below look like as one considers making the changes that one could make in order to prevent any DV-type thinking, DV-type feeling or DV-type behavior in the future?

• Physical courage
• Social courage
• Moral courage
• Emotional courage
• Intellectual courage
• Spiritual courage

Discussion Questions: 

Question #1: In what was has your sense of courage helped you make changes that have helped you recover from having Domestic Violence in your life?

Question #2: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a victim?

Question #3: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a perpetrator?

Accountability for What is Perceived by Other People as Domestic Violence

  If I do something that could be viewed as the wrong thing to do -- Did I still do it?

And even if I did it in the shade where no one could see me do it -- I still did it, right?

Accountability: According to one source, accountability can be defined as "a noun that describes accepting responsibility, and it can be personal or very public. A government has accountability for decisions and laws affecting its citizens; an individual has accountability for acts and behaviors. Sometimes, though, taking accountability means admitting you made a mistake."  And at other times, one has to simply admit that they made a poor choice.

Perception (Perceived) is in the eyes of the observer.  I cannot count the number of times that a person with a DV offense told me that he or she was accused of DV; however, they said that the accuser did not know what was really going on.  Yet still, this person with a DV offense was sitting right in front of me -- just as the court ordered.  

  In other words, what is perceived as DV by some people might or might not have been intended to be DV by the person who actually did it; however, it may have been perceived as such by the victim, or even by the observer.

  Surely, if one does not intend to commit DV, then one should not be doing anything that could be perceived as DV, right?

  Thus, even if one continues to feel like one was convicted or offered a plea deal based on someone else's faulty perception; the fact is that this person is now under court order to complete DV Treatment.

  In other words, even if one does not think they committed DV; the Court believes that they did.  So one might as well relax and make the most of this opportunity to make some positive changes in one's life.

Getting Deeper into Accountability in Terms of a Domestic Violence Offense:

  Noting the definition at the top of this page, within the context of Domestic Violence, accountability can be further defined as: When a person with a DV offense takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV offense(s).  This includes becoming responsible for his or her part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV offense, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it, and even the actions that other people took to try and deal with DV.

  In DV-related situations, the person with the DV offense is called upon to be 100% accountable for his or her actions.

  At the same time -- although the offender must NEVER try to blame the victim for the offense; there are cases where it is also in the victim's interest to search her or his self for accountability for her or his own actions, thoughts, behaviors and the impact on self and others as they relate to the DV offense.  

  In other words, even if the victim did something that upset me; I have no right to do what I did to them.  And that's there are charges attached.

  Now again, it is never a victim's fault for being attacked by an anyone else.  However, some victims of DV might be wise to try and help prevent themselves and others from becoming victims of DV through making wiser, more informed, slower, and more proactive choices about who to get involved with, which risk-factors to tolerate, and which ones to take seriously, when to start safety planning, when to involve third parties such as counselors or advocates, when to contact police, and when and how to exit volatile relationships safely. 

  Nonetheless, regardless of who the victim is, or what they did or did not do; the DV offender must be 100% accountable for his or her choices and actions.  

  Accepting this responsibility is part of the change process as well as the healing process. 

What does Accountability Look Like in DV Treatment?

  Accountability-like Behaviors can include:

1. ·         A person apologizing for his or her DV-related actions, behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on the other person;
2. ·         A person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the fault of the Victim, the police, the person who called the police, the courts, probation, or DV treatment providers.
3. ·         A person coming to all DV classes, paying for all DV classes, contributing thoughts, feelings and ideas in class, and complying with all other DV-related requirements.
4. ·         A person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his own character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that lead to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better.
5. ·         A person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault. 
6. ·         A person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage he or she did.
7. ·         A person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future; and
8. ·         A person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

    Think about it: In your current situation, what does accountability look like when one is really getting something out of DV treatment?   

Check out this Article on ACCOUNTABILITY!

“Ways to be Accountable When You Have Been Abusive.”

by Kai Cheng Thom  

As I sit in my bed and begin to type (beds are my favorite typing places), there is a part of me that says, don’t write this article.

There is a part of me that still resonates deeply with the fear and shame that surround the topics of abuse and intimate partner violence – the taboo that most communities have around talking not just about the fact that people experience rape and abuse, but that people we know and care about might be rapists and abusers.

Perhaps most secret and shameful of all is the fear that we, ourselves, are or have been abusive – the fear that we could be those villains, those monsters in the night.

Nobody wants to be “an abuser.” No one wants to admit that they have hurt someone, especially when so many of us have been hurt ourselves.

But the truth is that abusers and survivors of abuse do not exist, and have never existed, in a dichotomy: Sometimes, hurt people hurt people.  In this rape culture we live in, sometimes it can be hard to tell the difference between the hurt you are experiencing and the hurt you are causing someone else.

Seven years ago, when I first started training as support worker for survivors of intimate partner violence, I was sitting in a training workshop when someone asked what our organization’s policy was on taking requests for support from people who were abusing their partners and wanted help stopping.

The answer was brusque and immediate: “We don’t work with abusers. Period.”

Fair enough, I thought. After all, an organization created to support survivors of rape and abuse should center survivors, not the people who hurt them. The only problem was, I wondered, What happens when people are both survivors and abusers? And if we don’t work with abusers, who does?

Note: I am not, in this article, talking about whether or not a relationship can be “mutually abusive.” This is a conversation for another time. Rather, I am suggesting that people who are survivors in one relationship are capable of being abusive in previous or later relationships.

Seven years later, as a therapist who has worked with many individuals who are “recovering” or “former” abusers, I am still looking for the answers to those questions. The fact is that there are extremely few resources and organizations out there with the mandate, will, and/or knowledge to how to help people stop being abusive.

But doesn’t the feminist saying go, “We shouldn’t be teaching people how not to get raped, we should be teaching people not to rape?”

And if so, doesn’t it follow that we shouldn’t only support people who have survived abuse, we should also support people in learning how not to abuse?

When we are able to admit that the capacity to harm lies within ourselves – within us all – we become capable of radically transforming the conversation around abuse and rape culture. We can go from simply reacting to abuse and punishing “abusers” to preventing abuse and healing our communities.

Because the revolution starts at home, as they say. The revolution starts in your house, in your own relationships, in your bedroom. The revolution starts in your heart.

 

The following is a nine-step guide to confronting

the abuser in you, in me, in us all.

 

>>> 1. Listen to the Survivor

When one has been abusive, the very first – and one of the most difficult – skills of holding oneself accountable is learning to simply listen to the person or people whom one has harmed:

• Listening without becoming defensive.
• Listening without trying to equivocate or make excuses.
• Listening without minimizing or denying the extent of the harm.
• Listening without trying to make oneself the center of the story being told.

When someone, particularly a partner or loved one, tells you that you have hurt or abused them, it can be easy to understand this as an accusation or attack. Very often, this is our first assumption – that we are being attacked.

This is why so many perpetrators of abuse respond to survivors who confront them by saying something along the lines of, “I’m not abusing you. You are abusing me, right now, with this accusation!”

But this is the cycle of violence talking. This is the script that rape culture has built for us: a script in which there must be a hero and a villain, a right and a wrong, an accuser and an accused.

What if we understood being confronted about perpetuating abuse as an act of courage – even a gift – on the part of the survivor?

What if, instead of reacting immediately in our own defense, we instead took the time to listen, to really try to understand the harm we might have done to another person?

When we think of accountability in terms of listening and love instead of accusation and punishment, everything changes.

 

>>> 2. Take Responsibility For the Abuse

After listening, the next step in holding oneself accountable is taking responsibility for the abuse. This means, simply enough, agreeing that you and only you are the source of physical, emotional, or psychological violence directed toward another person.

A simple analogy for taking responsibility for abuse can be made to taking responsibility for stepping on someone else’s foot: There are many reasons why you might do such a thing – you were in a hurry, you weren’t looking where you were going, or maybe no one ever taught you that it was wrong to step on other people’s feet.

But you still did it. No one else – only you are responsible, and it is up to you to acknowledge and apologize for it.

The same holds true for abuse: No one, and I really mean no one – not your partner, not patriarchy, not mental illness, not society, not the Devil – is responsible for the violence that you do to another person.

A lot of factors can contribute to or influence one’s reasons for committing abuse (see the point below), but in the end, only I am responsible for my actions, as you are for yours.

 

>>> 3. Accept That Your Reasons Are Not Excuses

There is an awful, pervasive myth out there that people who abuse others do so simply because they are bad people – because they are sadistic, or because they enjoy other people’s pain.

This is, I think, part of the reason why so many people who have been abusive in the past or present resist the use of the terms “abuse” or “abuser” to describe their behavior. In fact, very, very, very few people who abuse are motivated to do so by sadism.

In my experience as a therapist and community support worker, when people are abusive, it’s usually because they have a reason based in desperation or suffering.

Some reasons for abusive behavior I have heard include:

• I am isolated and alone, and the only person who keeps me alive is my partner. This is why I can’t let my partner leave me.
• My partner hurts me all the time.  I was just hurting them back.
• I am sick, and if I don’t force people to take care of me, then I will be left to die.
• I am suffering, and the only way to relieve the pain is to hurt myself or others.
• I didn’t know that what I was doing was abuse. People always did the same to me. I was just following the script.
• No one will love me unless I make them.

All of these are powerful, real reasons for abuse – but they are also never excuses. There is no reason good enough to excuse abusive behavior.

Reasons help us understand abuse, but they do not excuse it.

Accepting this is essential to transforming culpability into accountability and turning justice into healing.

 

>>> 4. Don’t Play the ‘Survivor Olympics’

As I mentioned above, communities tend to operate on a survivor/abuser or victim/perpetrator dichotomy model of abuse. This is the belief that people who have survived abuse in one relationship can never be abusive in other relationships.

I find that social justice or leftist communities also tend to misapply social analysis to individual situations of abuse, suggesting that individuals who belong to oppressed or marginalized groups can never abuse individuals who belong to privileged groups (that is, that women can never abuse men, racialized people can never abuse white people, and so on).

But neither of the above ideas is true.  Survivors of abuse in one relationship can, in fact, be abusive in other relationships.

And it’s for privileged individuals to abuse others because of the extra power social privilege gives them, but anyone is capable of abusing anyone given the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances.

It can be easy, when confronted with the abuse we have perpetrated, to try and play “survivor Olympics.”

“I can’t be abusive,” we may want to argue, “I’m a survivor!” Or “The abuse I have survived is so much worse than what you’re accusing me of!” Or “Nothing I do is abusive to you, because you have more privilege than me.”

But survivors can be abusers, too.

Anyone can be abusive, and comparing or trivializing doesn’t absolve us of responsibility for it.

 

>>> 5. Take the Survivor’s Lead

When having a dialogue with someone who has abused, it’s essential to give the survivor the space to take the lead on expressing their needs and setting boundaries.

If you have abused someone, it’s not up to you to decide how the process of healing or accountability should work.

Instead, it might be a good idea to try asking the person who has confronted you questions like: What do you need right now? Is there anything I can do to make this feel better? How much contact would you like to have with me going forward? If we share a community, how should I navigate situations where we might end up in the same place? How does this conversation feel for you, right now?

At the same time, it’s important to understand that the needs of survivors of abuse can change over time, and that survivors may not always know right away – or ever – what their needs are.

Being accountable and responsible for abuse means being patient, flexible, and reflective about the process of having dialogue with the survivor.

 

>>> 6. Face the Fear of Accountability

Being accountable for abuse takes a lot of courage.

We live in a culture that demonizes and oversimplifies abuse, probably because we don’t want to accept the reality that abuse is actually commonplace and can be perpetrated by anybody.

A lot of people paint themselves into corners denying abuse, because, to be quite honest, it’s terrifying to face the consequences, real and imagined, of taking responsibility.

And there are real risks: People have lost friends, communities, jobs, and resources over abuse.  The risks are especially high for marginalized individuals – I am thinking particularly of Black and Brown folks here – who are likely to face harsh, discriminatory sentencing in legal processes.

There is nothing I can say to make this hard reality easier.

I can only suggest that when it comes to ending abuse, it’s easier to face our fear than live in it all of our lives. It’s more healing to tell the truth than to hide inside a lie.

When we hold ourselves accountable, we prove that the myth of the “monster” abuser is a lie.

 

>>> 7. Separate Guilt from Shame

Shame and social stigma are powerful emotional forces that can prevent us from holding ourselves accountable for being abusive: We don’t want to admit to “being that person,” so we don’t admit to having been abusive at all.

Some people might suggest that people who have been abusive ought to feel shame – after all, perpetrating abuse is wrong. I would argue, though, that this is where the difference between guilt and shame is key:

Guilt is feeling bad about something you’ve done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.

People who have been abusive should feel guilty – guilty for the specific acts of abuse they are responsible for. They should not feel shame about who they are, because this means that abuse has become a part of their identity.

It means that they believe that they are fundamentally a bad person – in other words, “an abuser.”

But if you believe that you are an “abuser,” a bad person who hurts others, then you have already lost the struggle for change – because we cannot change who we are.

If you believe that you are a fundamentally good person who has done hurtful or abusive things, then you open the possibility for change.

 

>>> 8. Don’t Expect Anyone to Forgive You

Being accountable is not, fundamentally, about earning forgiveness.  That is to say, it doesn’t matter how accountable you are – nobody has to forgive you for being abusive, least of all the person you have abused.

In fact, using the process of “doing” accountability to try and manipulate or coerce someone into giving their forgiveness to you is an extension of the abuse dynamic. It centers the abuser, not the survivor.

One shouldn’t try aim for forgiveness when holding oneself accountable. Rather, self-accountability is about learning how we have harmed others, why we have harmed others, and how we can stop.

But…

 

>>> 9. Forgive Yourself

You do have to forgive yourself.  Because you can’t stop hurting other people until you stop hurting yourself.

When one is abusive, when one is hurting so much on the inside, that it feels like the only way to make it stop is to hurt other people, it can be terrifying to face the hard truth of words like abuse and accountability.  One might rather blame others, blame society, blame the people we love, instead of ourselves.

This is true, I think, of community as well as individuals. It is so much easier, so much simpler, to create hard lines between good and bad people, to create walls to shut the shadowy archetype of “the abuser” out instead of mirrors to look at the abuser within.

Perhaps this is why self-accountability tools like this list are so rare.

It takes courage to be accountable. To decide to heal.

But when we do decide, we discover incredible new possibilities: There is good in everyone. Anyone is capable of change. And you are braver than you know."

Kai Cheng Thom is a Contributing Writer for Everyday Feminism. She is a Chinese trans woman writer, poet, and performance artist based in Montreal. She also holds a Master’s degree in clinical social work, and is working toward creating accessible, politically conscious mental health care for marginalized youth in her community. You can find out more about her work on her website and at Monster Academy."

(Retrieved 11/11/2025: https://transformharm.org/9-ways-to-be-accountable-when-youve-been-abusive/)"

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