Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner WITH Our Own Needs -- Particularly During Troubling Times: The Value of Collaboration Through Negotiation and Fairness

Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner as well as Our Awareness of Our Own Needs:  Learning how to Negotiate and Being Fair-Minded About Important Issues During Difficult Times 

What is Empathy: Having some idea about what another person is experiencing, and what they are thinking and feeling, so as to understand why they are saying or doing -- or even NOT saying or doing -- what they are saying or doing.  Without Empathy it probably won't seem fair.

What is Equality: When both people have at least an equal say in the matter.  This requires Respect and Patience among other things.

What is Fairness: When both parties feel that a decision, an arrangement, or an outcome is Fair.

What is Collaboration: When both parties work together to try and make something good happen, and/or to resolve a difference, or to solve a problem together.

What is Negotiation: Trying to come to an agreement about something important to both parties.  Negotiation often required communication, compromise, patience and respect.

  There are lots of words here, like: Empathy, Equality, Fairness, Collaboration, Negotiation, Respect, Patience, Communication and Compromise. 

The Duluth Power and Control Wheel Versus the Equality Wheel Pertains to this Topic in a Big Way:

  Warning: There are several things that we should not do.  And Empathy helps us know what NOT to do.  Empathy is here so that we hopefully will know better than to do things that are harmful or disturbing to anyone else. 

  And empathy helps us maintain a feeling of the pulse of the person or people we are trying to relate to.

So.....

One of the biggest things to NOT do is you want a positive result is Power and Control -- Do not use Power and Control.

   Like Power and Control in the Form of Coercion and Threats:

Making and/or carrying out Threats to do something to hurt your partner

Threatening to leave your partner -- just because you are angry.

Or Threatening to report them to welfare 

Or even threatening to commit suicide

Or Making them drop the charges

Or Making them do illegal things

  Remember... No Manipulation, No Blame, Shame or Guilt.  They simply do not work. 

 

  Or Even using Power and Control in the form of Using Intimidation:

Like making your partner afraid by using looks, actions or gestures  

Smashing things / Breaking Things

Or Displaying Weapons 

Destroying her or his Property -- or Destroying our own Property

Abusing Pets

Displaying Weapons.

And these things above are just a few of the things NOT To Do.

Instead, One Should Do Things That Might Work A Whole Lot Better 

  Such as -- we need to learn to try and communicate as Equals:

   Or think of this way:  We can do better by Using Healthy Communication that includes Empathy, Equality, Respect, Patience, Negotiation and Fairness:

What is Negotiation?  What is Fairness?  How do you know if something is Fair?  Well, if both sides are happy (or at least satisfied) with the outcome.

Like Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict

This often requires Accepting Change and/or Being Willing to Compromise

Ultimately, the best outcome is quite possibly where both people might give up something in the compromise; yet both people might also feel like winners once the negotiation is over. 

       (Ye old Win-Win Situation -- Wouldn't that be great?) 

Other ideas could be:

> Using Non-Threatening Words and Non-Threatening Behaviors:

Talking and acting so that she or he feels safe and comfortable expressing herself or himself and doing things that she or he feels that she wants to do or needs to do.  

> And ALWAYS Using Respect too:

Listening to her or him non-judgmentally

Being emotionally affirming and understanding

Valuing her or his opinions.

Being patient.

And basically being nice -- even when you don't feel like it. 

Ask Yourself: Have you ever felt like you won an argument with your partner only to realize later that you did not really win at all? 

Perhaps it was because one used Power and Control; rather than Empathy, Equality, Negotiation and Fairness?

This is why it is important to keep you finger on their pulse.  It helps you know how your message is getting across and what to do next. 

> And Healthy Communication -- What is that?:

  Where does Communication Come Into the Picture?  Well, it's all over the place... We need to be able to talk about it and listen to others in order to be able to Negotiate and Collaborate...

  Healthy communication involves a lot of listening, a lot patience, respect, acceptance, understanding, assertiveness and stick-to-it-iv-ness.

  And the secret ingredient to Negotiation.... is Communicating with Empathy in real time...

  Because then you know what they really want.  And you know whether or not your communication or your message is working.  Is it being understood?  This is important.

The Value of Collaboration -- Yet another form of communication -- 

Think about it: If we truly are Partners; Do we really have to be on Opposite Sides?

After all, if we are partners, even if I am thinking that I am finally winning because my partner is disheartened; am I really winning?  NO!!!

What might be an example of Collaboration then?  Perhaps it's when BOTH people are happy, and both people feel like they won.  

Getting things to Balance:

What is True Balance going to be in this Situation? (Are things ever Perfect or truly Equal or truly Equitable)?  Probably not. 

Or could it be that things right now Are good enough at this point to try and move forward together toward more a perfectly balanced relationship?

   If not; then what seems to be Balanced; and what seems to be NOT Balanced in this situation?  Is it fixable -- or not?  Probably.  But it may take patience, respect, communication, acceptance and many other virtues.

 

  So if you remember, Today's lesson was in part about Balancing Our Empathy for a Partner with Our Own Needs -- Particularly During Troubled Times.  Questions to think about:

Is somebody going for Power; rather than Cooperation here?

Am I really trying to fix this for the better?  Or am I just trying to win? 

Either way, Empathy is a great tool?  Because then we know what is going on with our partner.

  Or, think about this:  Am I really doing my best here?  Can I do my best without taking at least one minute or more to Empathize with my partner?

For Example, when two people are splitting up it could look like this:

One Situation:

Am I really getting what I am thinking that I really want here?

Am I fully understanding what I am actually feeling in this situation?

Do I really comprehend what I am needing right now -- or am I just trying to win a fight? 

  So Yes, Humans can be Selfish at times.  And we can be downright stupid or foolish at times too.  But we should consider whether or not these things really serve me (or my partner) in such situations?
  Have I conceptualized and/or decided for myself what I am able and willing to settle for in this situation?  Or am I just rushing into, or out of something.  

  What is it about this situation Can I Control; versus what can I not control?
Is it any wonder that I feel so crazy when we fight? 

 Ask Yourself This: Why wouldn't I want to be nice or at least respectful when I am dealing with my Partner or with my Ex-Partner?  Even if I am angry.  

Have I Considered My Partner's / Or My Ex Partner's Situation:  

(Okay, we are including the Ex-relationship here as well.  Why are we doing that?  Can we include our Ex's among those whom we consider to be people?  Why is this important?  Perhaps we are following that same old destructive pattern again???   

Because even if you are Ex's, you are BOTH still people.  And you might have kids depending on you as well.  (Separate, but still together -- United the wellbeing of your child.)

You both still have thoughts, feelings, needs and desires.  Besides, if you really want to accomplish a constructive goal related to your shared property or your shared kids; you will probably get through it much more easily if you communicate, respect, collaborate and try your best to get it done without hard feelings.)

 

 So if you are in a situation with your partner or your ex-, ask yourself: 

Do I fully understand what my Partner (or Ex) is actually saying or communicating to me right now?

Do I really get what my Partner (or Ex) is indicating that she/he wants?

Do I have some sort of an idea about what my Partner (or Ex) is thinking?

Do I really comprehend what my Partner (or Ex) is needing?

Do I have a clue about what (or how) my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling right now?

Do I even care about how my Partner (or my Ex) is feeling today -- after all that has happened?

So.. If you can answer yes to the above questions, then perhaps you have Empathy? 

  ------------------------------------------------------

 

  One of the best things about Empathy is that is truly can enable the process of Negotiation and Fairness -- which can be a major key to success in a relationship:

Potential Poison Pills for Negotiation and Fairness: 

Unrealistic Expectations.

A lack of Empathy for my Partner (or my Ex).

Inability to Forgive or Let go of a need to beat the other person. 

Trying to Control EVERYTHING going on between us. 

Pride: A failure to Keep my pride in check.

Or just being too darn Defensive. 

On the other hand: 

Things that might really help with Negotiation and Fairness include:

          Having a good sense of Empathy for my partner.

        Having an idea going in of what you really want here.

Having an idea going in of what you really need here.

Having an idea going in of what you are willing to accept.

Having an idea going in of what you are willing to give up.

Having a good sense of your own Strengths.  (As well as your partner's or your Ex's Strengths)

Having a good sense of your own Weaknesses.  (As well as your partner's or your Ex's Weaknesses)

Showing Compassion for your partner -- or your Ex.

Achieving Resolution in light of Empathy for your Partner or your Ex.:

Is there Room for Compromise in this situation?

Are there points that could possibly be negotiated?

Ask Yourself: Does Negotiation and Fairness really have to be different when two people are splitting up; versus when they are together and trying to remain together?

Finally:  Can I muster a sense of winning or at least wellbeing; even in cases where I think I just lost?  Or did I blow it again by letting my pride get in the way...?  And trying to win; instead of trying to collaborate, negotiate, compromise and achieve peace through Empathy.

Bottom Line: Empathy is an essential part of participating successfully in a relationship. 

*** PLEASE CLICK HERE 

To COMPLETE THE Negotiation

and Fairness WORKSHEET! ***

(First posted August 15, 2022); Edited, June 20, 2023.)  (C. 2022, William T. Beverly).

Treatment Planning Updates: Updating Our Treatment Plans for Success in DV Treatment and Success in Future Relationships

  The big question at this point is: "How likely am I to re-offend?"  

  Secondly: "How am I gonna prevent that?"

  The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board of Colorado requires that DV Offenders complete a Treatment Plan or a Treatment Planning Review approximately every 3 months.    
  There are different requirements for different levels of Treatment (such as, A, B, or C).

  Regarding construction of the DV Treatment Plan, the The DVOMB writes: 

  "A Treatment Plan shall be implemented after the completion of the intake evaluation process. The individualized plan shall promote victim and community safety while identifying treatment goals for the offender. The written Treatment Plan shall include goals that specifically address all clinical issues identified in the intake evaluation. The treatment goals shall be based on offender criminogenic needs, offender competencies, and identified risk factors."  (DVOMB Standards). 
  Below are a number of things to think about when you are Treatment Planning for Success:

Pre-Treatment-Planning Questions:
  Before you try to work on your Treatment Plan, please try and answer these questions:


1. What are some of your Strengths that are helping you get through this DV Treatment Successfully?  Everyone has strengths.  What are some of your strengths?
  (Examples: Loyal, Respectful, Trustworthy, Faithful, Hard Worker, Sensitive, Good Parent, Great Partner......


2. What are your Criminogenic Needs?  Do any of the items on this list seem to relate to you:  (If I have one of these, these are things to work on in my Treatment Plan.)

“Criminogenic Needs are factors in a [justice-involved individual's] life that are directly related to recidivism. Research has identified six factors that are directly related to crime: low self-control, anti-social personality, anti-social values, criminal peers, substance abuse and dysfunctional family” (Source).

• Criminal History; History of Low Self Control:
• Education (truancy, Low IQ, Learning Disorders, Suspensions/Expulsions) – Poor Grades.  Dropped out.
• Employment Issues: Typically does not have a job.
• Financial Issues / Irresponsibility:
• Dysfunctional Family / Marital: Family of Origin History.
• Accommodation: Are you lacking a place to live?  (For an Alternative View: Do you tend to just go along with the crowd no matter what they do?)
• Leisure /Recreation: Not enough vacation time or rest time. 
• Anti-Social Companions:
• Alcohol / Drug Problems:
• Emotional / Personal / Psychological Challenges:
• Anti-Social Attitude / Orientation:
• Anti-Social Personality Pattern:

3. What are your DV Risk Factors?  Which ones of the Risk Factors below apply to you and/or your Offense?  (From the DVRNA)   (If I have any one of these, I might be more likely to Re-Offend; unless I make some changes to the way I think and behave.)

 -- Domain A: Prior domestic violence related incidents

• 1.            Prior to the current DV Offense, have you ever had a Domestic Violence conviction or deferred sentence?   (Critical Risk Factor—Level C)
• 2.            Have you ever had a Violation of an order of protection (documented violation)?  (Level B minimum)
• 3.            Have you ever had, or do you have a Civil Domestic Violence related protection order against you?  (Level B minimum)
• 4.            Have you ever been arrested for domestic violence?  (Level B minimum)  
• 5.            Have you had prior domestic violence incidents that were not reported to criminal justice system?  (Level B minimum)

-- Domain B: Drug or alcohol abuse

• 1.            Have you had any substance abuse/dependence within the past 12 months?  (Level B minimum)
• 2.            Do you have a history of substance abuse treatment within the past 12 months or 2 or more prior drug or alcohol treatment episodes during lifetime?  (Level B minimum)
• 3.            Do you use illegal drugs?  (Level B minimum)

 -- Domain C: Mental health issue

• 1.            Do you have an Existing Axis I or II Mental Health diagnosis (excluding V codes)?  Have you ever been told by a professional that you have this?  (Level B minimum)  
• 2.            Do you have a personality disorder with anger, impulsivity, or behavioral instability?  Have you ever been told by a professional that you have this?  (Level B minimum)
• 3.            Do you have severe psychopathology?  Have you ever been told by a professional that you have this?  (Level B minimum)
• 4.            Recent psychotic and/or manic symptoms?  Have you been told by a professional that you have this?    (Level B minimum)
• 5.            Psychological/psychiatric condition currently unmanaged?  Have you been told by a professional that you have this?  (Level B minimum)
• 6.            Noncompliance with prescribed medications and mental health treatment?  If you have been prescribed Psychiatric Medications, have you taken them as directed? (Level B minimum)
• 7.            Are you exhibiting symptoms that indicate the need for a Mental Health evaluation?  Do you feel that you need a Mental Health Evaluation?  (Level B minimum) 

 -- Domain D: Suicide/homicidal 

• 1.            Have you had serious homicidal or suicidal ideation/intent within the past year?  Have you thought seriously about killing your self or anyone else within the past year? (Level C)
• 2.            Have you thought about Suicide in the past 12 months?
• 3.            Have you made threats to kill anyone within the past 12 months?
• 4.            Has the Victim accused you of making threats of harming or killing her / him?

 -- Domain E: Use and/or threatened use of weapons in current or past offense or access to firearms

• 1.            Is there a Gun in your home that is in violation of a civil or criminal court order? (Level C)
• 2.            Have you used or threatened to use weapons (of any kind) in current or past offense? (Level C)
• 3.            Do you currently have access to firearms?

 -- Domain F. Criminal history-non-domestic violence (both reported and unreported to criminal justice system). This domain applies only to adult criminal history.

• 1.            Were you on community supervision (Probation or Parole) at the time of the offense? (Level C)
• 2.            Have you ever before been arrested for assault, harassment, or menacing.
• 3.            If so, how many times?
• (Level B minimum if 2 or more.)
• 4.            Do you have any prior non-domestic violence convictions?
• 5.            Have you ever had a violation of conditional release or community supervision (i.e., violated probation or parole)?
• 6.            Have you ever in the past assaulted strangers or acquaintances?
• 7.            Have you ever been accused of animal cruelty or animal abuse?

 -- Domain G: Obsession with the victim? 

• 1.            Have you been accused of stalking or monitoring the victim in this DV offense?
• 2.            Do you have a tendency to obsess over the victim?  Or Have you been jealous over the victim in the past?  Or Would you describe yourself as having a  potential for violence toward the victim?  Or Do you find that you are consistently jealous of the victim?

 -- Domain H: Safety concerns

• 1.            Has the victim indicated that she/he is concerned for her/his own safety?
• 2.            Does your victim indicate that she/he believes that you are capable of killing her?
• 3.            Do you or did you tend to control most of the victim’s daily activities?
• 4.            Did you try to “choke” victim?  Did the victim accuse you of trying to choke her/him?
• 5.            Do you feel that the physical violence between you and the victim is increasing in severity?
• 6.            Have you ever forced the victim to have sex when not wanted?  Did the victim accuse you of doing this?
• 7.            Was the victim pregnant at the time of the offense?  If so, were you aware of this?
• 8.            Have you been accused of abusing the victim  previously during Pregnancy?

 -- Domain I. Violence and/or threatened violence toward family members, including child abuse (does not include intimate partners) 

• 1.            Have you any Current or past Social Services or DHS case(s)?
• 2.            Have you assaulted family members in the past?
• 3.            Were children present during the offense – Were they on the property?

 -- Domain J: Attitudes that support or condone spousal assault.                                    

• 1.            Would you say that you explicitly endorse attitudes that support or condone intimate partner Assault?  Do you talk about your violence toward the victim in an approving or justifying way?
• 2.            Would you say that you endorse attitudes that support or condone intimate partner assault?

 -- Domain K: Prior completed or noncompleted domestic violence treatment            

• 1.            Have you begun or completed DV Treatment in the past – prior to this offense?

 -- Domain L: Victim separated from offender within the previous six months   

• 1.            Were you and the victim separated within the past 6 months?

 -- Domain M: Unemployed

• 1.            Are you currently Unemployed – but not retired, on public assistance, a student, or supported as the homemaker by your partner?

 -- Domain N: Involvement with people who have pro-criminal influence 

• 1.            Would you say that you have some criminal acquaintances in your life?
• 2.            Would you say that you have some criminal friends in your life?

4. Core Competency Areas in need of Improvement:  Below is a basic list of the DVOMB Core Competencies for DV Offender Treatment.  Can you think of any of these that you have not yet mastered?

• A. Abusive behavior elimination               
• B. Empathy                        
• C. Offense & Abusive history                      
• D. Power & Control behaviors                
• E. Accountability                              
• F. Consequence acceptance                       
• G. Participation & cooperation in treatment                       
• H. Defines types of domestic violence                    
• I. Personal pattern of violence                   
• J. Intergenerational violence effects                       
• K. Communication skills                
• L. Time-out use                
• M. Financial responsibility                           
• N. Eliminates all forms of violence and abuse                      
• O. Weapons prohibitions                             
• P. Cognitive distortion identification & challenge                              
• Q. Parenting skills                            
• R. DBT (Dialectic Behavioral) skills                            
• S. Healthy Sexuality

  *** Please Click Here to Complete Your Treatment Planning WorkSheet. ***

(Previously published on 9/11/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Types of Domestic Violence / Family Violence / Inter-Personal Violence / Intimate Partner Violence

The DVOMB Core Competencies state:

J. Ability to define types of DV

  1. Defines: coercion, controlling behavior, psychological emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property,

financial, isolation... all types of DV.

  2. Identifies specific types of DV engaged in

  3. Demonstrate understanding of DV by giving examples

  4. Defines continuum of behavior from healthy to abusive

What is Domestic Violence?  

  I cannot tell you how many people get charged with Domestic Violence, yet when I interview them, they claim they could never have committed Domestic Violence.  Yet, they proceed to tell me a story that includes the current legal definition of DV.  It seems this could be as good a time as any to talk about what DV is, right?  
  

According to the Colorado Bar Association: The Current Definition of Domestic violence includes the idea that it is a pattern of (feeling, thinking) and behavior in which one person attempts to control another (person) through threats or actual use of physical, verbal, or psychological violence or sexual assault on their current or past intimate partner. (Source FVPF2) 

According to the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence, regarding the Types of Domestic Violence:  “When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is significant and cannot be minimized.  Please explore the following sections to learn more about how to identify domestic violence.”

A list of Types of Abuse could include but should not be limited to:

• Coercion
• Controlling Behavior
• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse & Intimidation
• Isolation
• Verbal Abuse: Coercion, Threats, & Blame
• Using Male Privilege
• Animal Abuse
• Property Abuse
• Economic Abuse
• Digital Abuse
• Stalking  (Source).

Check out this Video/Audio about Power and Control and Domestic Violence.

According to the Colorado D.V.O.M.B. Standards:

  All DV Offenders need to have the ability to define types of domestic violence.  We also need to be able to:

1. Define coercion, controlling behavior and all types of domestic violence (psychological, emotional, sexual, physical, animal abuse, property, financial, isolation, (digital, and Social)).
2. To Identify in detail the specific types of domestic violence that we engaged in, and the destructive impact of that behavior on our partner and our children (or anyone else involved) (Pence & Paymar, 1993; SAFE JeffCo., 2002).
3. To Demonstrate cognitive understanding of the types of domestic violence as evidenced by giving examples and accurately label situations (SAFE JeffCo, 2002)."
4. To Define a continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings, Thinking and Behavior from healthy to abusive.

Where do my Thoughts and Behaviors fall on 

   a Continuum of Relationship-Related Feelings? 

          Healthy                                                     Abusive

Thinking & Behavior                    Thinking & Behavior

             ^^^ ---------------------------------------------------^^^

    

Breaking it Down Just a Little Bit More:

Domestic Violence: This term is also defined in Section 18-6-800.3(1), C.R.S. and is expanded to include the following definitions for the purpose of the approved provider's use in treatment:

1. Physical violence: aggressive behavior including but not limited to hitting, pushing or grabbing, choking, scratching, pinching, restraining, slapping, pulling, hitting with weapons or objects, shooting, stabbing, damaging property or pets, or threatening to do so.
2. Sexual violence: forcing someone to perform any sexual act without consent.
3. Psychological violence: intense and repetitive degradation, creating isolation, and controlling the actions or behaviors of another person through intimidation (such as stalking or harassing) or manipulation to the detriment of the individual.
4. Economic Deprivation/Financial Abuse: use of financial means to control the actions or behaviors of another person. This may also include such acts as withholding funds, taking economic resources from our intimate partner, and using funds to manipulate or control our intimate partner.

But it really goes much Deeper, correct???

Question: What did I think I was doing when I did my DV Offense?  

Did I think I was committing DV?

Did I Really Make A Choice to Commit DV?; Or Did I Make A Choice to Do Something Aggressive and/or Threatening in order to Try and Get My Way?:

  Violent and abusive behavior is typically viewed as the abuser’s choice: Typically, just before we commit domestic violence, we do make a (sometimes hasty) decision about what we want, and how to get it.  And we do this even when we are intoxicated.  We just might not remember it.

  Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is technically not considered to be due to our loss of control over our behavior.  Abusive behavior and violence is frequently viewed as a deliberate choice made by a person (or an abuser) in order to take control of the situation and/or the relationship.  And at the very least; for persons who are intoxicated when it happened, DV is a result of the poor choice to become intoxicated.

The Fact is that Most Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, Right:

  DV is frequently about using Power to gain Control over a situation or a person; Or it is about using Control to gain some sense of Power over a Person or a Situation.  

  According to the Power and Control Wheels from which much of the current thinking about DV has come: DV Can Include any or all of the following behaviors:

• Intimidation 
• Emotional Abuse 
• Minimizing, Denying and Blaming:
• Using Children: 
• Economic / Financial Abuse:
• Using Male Privilege -- And possibly Female Privilege in some cases: 
• Coercion and Threats:
• Physical Abuse:
• Sexual Abuse:
• Psychological Abuse:
• Parental Alienation
• Animal abuse:
• Property Abuse:
• Jealousy (Using Isolation):
• Social Abuse / Reputation Abuse:
• Digital Abuse / Online stalking or trolling or Harassment on FB or elsewhere:
• Manipulation:
• Trying to gain Respect through Fear.

Watch or Listen to this Video about the Power and Control Wheel.

Question: What might make a certain behavior into DV?

Some Specifics About Different Types of DV from the Victim's Point of View.

 

 Think about it: What does DV  Look Like from the Point of View of the Victim(s)?

Emotional abuse: It’s often a bigger problem than we think.

  When people think of domestic abuse, we often picture battered women who has been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve physical violence.  Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused.  Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked — even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse:  The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at  our feelings of self-worth and independence.  If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

  Emotional abuse can include: verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse.   Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

  We may naturally think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send us to the hospital and leave us with scars.  But many survivors say that the scars of emotional abuse are also very real, and they run deep too. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse — sometimes even more so.

Also Some Abuse is About the Money:  Economic or financial abuse:  A subtle form of emotional abuse.  Remember, an abuser’s goal is often to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so.  Economic or financial abuse can include:

 Rigidly controlling your finances.

 Withholding money or credit cards.

 Making you account for every penny you spend.

 Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).

 Restricting you to an allowance.

 Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.

 Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).

 Stealing from you or taking your money.

 Watch or Listen to This Video about Domestic Violence

 Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power.  Some of these tactics are very effective and leave lasting damages and scars in their wake:

1.  Dominance –  Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. Sometimes, they will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may even treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.
2.  Humiliation –  An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave.  Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.
3.  Isolation –  In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world.  He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school.  You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.
4.  Threats –  Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, or to harm or kill your children, or other family members, or even pets.  He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, threaten to file false charges against you, or to report you to child services.
5.  Intimidation –  Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.
6.  Denial and blame –  Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

On the other Hand, there are times when a Woman can be Abusive as well.  What about a case where a Woman is the Abuser?

  From "10 Signs of an Abusive Wife and How to Deal with It" By Sylvia Smith, Expert Blogger Verified Marriage & Family Therapist Approved By Angela Welch, LMFT (7 May, 2021).

  According to this author, some of Women's types of abuse can include:

Controlling behavior

Verbal abuse

Violence

Extreme jealousy

Unreasonable reactions

Isolation

Instills fear

Blames everyone else

Gaslighting

Inability to handle criticism

(Source).

Discussion Question: What Tactics Have I Used to Take Control?  Did it work?:

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(c. 2020-2024, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

(Originally Posted, 8/28/2020)

Sources: https://www.cobar.org/index.cfm/ID/21062

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#emotional

(For info on DV in LBGTQ Relationships: http://www.humanservices.alberta.ca/documents/NCN1375-abuse-in-same-sex-LGBTQ-relationships-booklets.pdf)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Empathy Recognition, Emotional Intelligence, and Their Potential Role in Forgiveness and Prevention of Domestic Violence

  Empathy can be defined as: According to Hodges and Myers in the Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, “Empathy is often defined as understanding another person's experience by imagining oneself in that other person's situation: One understands the other person's experience as if it were being experienced by the self, but without the self actually ... (Hodges & Myers, 2019).

  It's important to know that Empathy is about Understanding another person's experience.  But Empathy is NOT about Feeling Sorry for them.

  “Empathy is a broad concept that refers to the cognitive and emotional reactions of an individual to the observed experiences of another."

  (We do a lot of this by the way...  Watching TV... right?) 

  Question: 

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

  "Having empathy increases the likelihood of helping others and showing compassion."  In this way, Empathy might in fact lead to Sympathy.

  “Empathy is a building block of morality—for people to follow the Golden Rule, it helps if they can put themselves in someone else’s shoes,” according to the Greater Good Science Center, a research institute that studies the psychology, sociology, and neuroscience of well-being. 

  “It is also a key ingredient of successful relationships because it helps us understand the perspectives, needs, and intentions of others.” (Lesley.edu, 2019),

Empathy in Relationships:

  “The 3 Types Of Empathy You Need To Strengthen Your Relationships include:

• Cognitive Empathy. When you hear the phrase “try to walk a mile in the other person's shoes,” you're discussing cognitive empathy, Goleman says. ...  

• Social Empathy. Another set is the social side of empathy. ...  "  Social empathy is the ability to understand people by perceiving or experiencing their life situations and as a result gain insight into structural inequalities and disparities." (Source).  To really get down and get where that person is at right now.

• Empathic Concern.” (Huffpost, 2019).  "Refers to other-oriented emotions elicited by and congruent with the perceived welfare of someone in need.^[1][2]  These other-oriented emotions include feelings of tenderness, sympathy, compassion, soft-heartedness, and the like.  Empathic concern is often and wrongly confused with empathy. 
• To empathize is to respond to another's perceived emotional state by experiencing feeling of a similar sort. 
• Empathic concern or sympathy not only includes empathizing, but also entails having a positive regard or a non-fleeting concern for the other person.^[3]"  (Source.)

• What does it mean to you when someone else Empathizes with you?

• What does Empathy mean to you?  

• What does Empathy mean for you in your personal relationships?  

• How could Empathy -- and understanding -- or attempting Empathy help you in navigating your personal relationships?  

• How might Empathy in a Relationship help us prevent DV?

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE CAN HELP with EMPATHY DEVELOPMENT

“Emotional Intelligence (EI) is the ability to manage both your own emotions and understand the emotions of people around you. There are five key elements to EI: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills” (Source).

   Video Link for: "What is Emotional Intelligence?"

   Video Link for "Developing Emotional Intelligence"

   Video on Emotional Intelligence

  Six Key Parts of Emotional Intelligence:

1. Self Awareness

2. Self Regulation

3. Motivation

4. Empathy

5. Validation

6. Social Skills

 EVER Thought About Moving Empathy Towards Sympathy...???

  Dr. Martin Luther King was somewhat of a Genius when it came to Empathy.  He actually convinced his marchers to have empathy for those who were attacking them in order to help their attackers to have empathy (and possibly even sympathy) for his marchers and their cause.

Dr. Martin Luther King and Nonviolent Resistance

   “Nonviolence

  As a theologian, Martin Luther King reflected often on his understanding of nonviolence. He described his own “pilgrimage to nonviolence” in his first book, Stride Toward Freedom, and in subsequent books and articles. “True pacifism,” or “nonviolent resistance,” King wrote, is “a courageous confrontation of evil by the power of love” (Source). Both “morally and practically” committed to nonviolence, King believed that “the Christian doctrine of love operating through the Gandhian method of nonviolence was one of the most potent weapons available to oppressed people in their struggle for freedom” (Source).

  King was first introduced to the concept of nonviolence when he read Henry David Thoreau’s Essay on Civil Disobedience as a freshman at Morehouse College. Having grown up in Atlanta and witnessed segregation and racism every day, King was “fascinated by the idea of refusing to cooperate with an evil system” (Source).

  In 1950, as a student at Crozer Theological Seminary, King heard a talk by Dr. Mordecai Johnson, president of Howard University. Dr. Johnson, who had recently traveled to India, spoke about the life and teachings of Mohandas K. Gandhi. Gandhi, King later wrote, was the first person to transform Christian love into a powerful force for social change. Gandhi’s stress on love and nonviolence gave King “the method for social reform that I had been seeking” (Source).

  While intellectually committed to nonviolence, King did not experience the power of nonviolent direct action first-hand until the start of the Montgomery bus boycott in 1955. During the boycott, King personally enacted Gandhian principles. With guidance from black pacifist Bayard Rustin and Glenn Smiley of the Fellowship of Reconciliation, King eventually decided not to use armed bodyguards despite threats on his life, and reacted to violent experiences, such as the bombing of his home, with compassion. Through the practical experience of leading nonviolent protest, King came to understand how nonviolence could become a way of life, applicable to all situations. King called the principle of nonviolent resistance the “guiding light of our movement. Christ furnished the spirit and motivation while Gandhi furnished the method” (Source).

  King’s notion of nonviolence had six key principles.

1.   First, one can resist evil without resorting to violence.
2.   Second, nonviolence seeks to win the “friendship and understanding” of the opponent, not to humiliate him (Source).
3.  Third, evil itself, not the people committing evil acts, should be opposed.
4.  Fourth, those committed to nonviolence must be willing to suffer without retaliation as suffering itself can be redemptive.
5.  Fifth, nonviolent resistance avoids “external physical violence” and “internal violence of spirit” as well: “The nonviolent resister not only refuses to shoot his opponent but he also refuses to hate him” (Source ). The resister should be motivated by love in the sense of the Greek word agape, which means “understanding,” or “redeeming good will for all men” (Source).
6.  The sixth principle is that the nonviolent resister must have a “deep faith in the future,” stemming from the conviction that “The universe is on the side of justice” (Source).

  During the years after the bus boycott, King grew increasingly committed to nonviolence. An India trip in 1959 helped him connect more intimately with Gandhi’s legacy. King began to advocate nonviolence not just in a national sphere, but internationally as well: “the potential destructiveness of modern weapons” convinced King that “the choice today is no longer between violence and nonviolence. It is either nonviolence or nonexistence” (Source).

  After Black Power advocates such as Stokely Carmichael began to reject nonviolence, King lamented that some African Americans had lost hope, and reaffirmed his own commitment to nonviolence: “Occasionally in life one develops a conviction so precious and meaningful that he will stand on it till the end. This is what I have found in nonviolence” (Source). He wrote in his 1967 book, Where Do We Go from Here: Chaos or Community?: “We maintained the hope while transforming the hate of traditional revolutions into positive nonviolent power. As long as the hope was fulfilled there was little questioning of nonviolence. But when the hopes were blasted, when people came to see that in spite of progress their conditions were still insufferable … despair began to set in” (Source). Arguing that violent revolution was impractical in the context of a multiracial society, he concluded: “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. The beauty of nonviolence is that in its own way and in its own time it seeks to break the chain reaction of evil” (Source)."

Finally, it should be noted that along these lines, Dr. King also wrote: "Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. "

Wrap - Up:

  If we practice more Non-Violence; we can develop more Empathy for others and for ourselves as well; and if you can practice Emotional Intelligence, then we can also develop even more Empathy for Others and for ourselves.  And if we can have more empathy for others; we can understand them better; and then -- if we really try, we will be more likely to be able to co-exist peacefully.

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Sources: 

 (By Dr. Beverly, March 2018)

 Hodges & Myers, (Retrieved  3/26/2019, from: https://www.google.com/search?q=empathy+ definition+psychology&oq=empathy+defintion&aqs=chrome.4.69i57j0l5.7709j1j8&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8).

 (Lesley.edu, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, https://lesley.edu/article/the-psychology-of-emotional-and-cognitive-empathy).

 (Huffpost, 2019). (Retrieved 3/26/2019, from: https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_56f171cde4b03a640a6bcc17).

Footnotes for King Piece: 

King, “Pilgrimage to Nonviolence,” 13 April 1960, in Papers 5:419–425.

King, Stride Toward Freedom, 1958.

King, Where Do We Go from Here, 1967.”  (SOURCE).

Other King Citations in Text Above (In order of presentation): King, Stride, 80; King, Stride, 73; King, Stride, 79; Papers 5:423; King, Stride, 84; Stride, 85; King; King, Stride, 86; King, Stride, 88; Papers 5:424; King, Where, 63–64; King, Where, 45; King, Where, 62–63; Stride, 79; Papers 5:422).    

 (Initially published: c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).