Character Flaws, Personality Disorders, and Domestic Violence

DRAFT POST -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT OR QUOTE

 Some Say that Domestic Violence can be a result of Character Flaws.

First Step -- What is Character?

What is Character? 

"1. the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual

2. "

"What is the meaning of character?

A character is a person or being in a narrative (such as a novel, play or film). The character may be entirely fictional or based on a real-life person, in which case the distinction of a "fictional" versus "real" character may be made.

Character (arts) - Wikipedia

Wikipedia -- https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Character_(arts)

What is the meaning of flawed character?

AI Overview

"A flawed character is a fictional person with specific imperfections, weaknesses, or internal conflicts that make them relatable, realistic, and prone to mistakes. These defects—ranging from minor quirks to tragic flaws like pride or jealousy—drive the plot, hinder the character’s goals, and create meaningful character arcs."  Reedsy

Usage Examples in Fiction

Tragic Flaw: Achilles' immense pride and anger (hamartia), which lead to his downfall.

Synonyms and Related Terms

Hamartia: A fatal flaw leading to downfall.

Foible: A minor weakness or eccentricity.

Vice: A immoral or wicked behavior.

Imperfection/Weakness/Deficiency: General terms for shortcomings.

Blind Spot: A lack of insight into one's own faults. 

Key Characteristics

Types: Can be minor (habits), major (anger issues), or fatal (destructive pride).

Purpose: Essential for building empathy and engagement, as perfect characters are unbelievable and dull.

Result: They cause internal conflict, hinder success, or damage relationships. 

What does this have to do with Domestic Violence?

 (FYI: Whay does DV Happen?  Situation got out of hand, Jealousy, Character, Not being able to control one's anger, Parental Alienation, Intoxication (alcohol and drugs), An unexpected or unwanted or feared Break-up). 

What is a Character Flaw and What does it have to do with DV?"

  "Is it possible that some DV happens as a result (at least in part) of a Character Flaw (or Flaws) on the part of one or both parties?"

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Examples of Personality Flaws: Control Issues, Trust Issues, Lies A Lot, Extremely Insecure, Afraid, Lack of Confidence, Too Much Confidence, Selfish, Boastful (always bragging but nothing to show for it.)

 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

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Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

Connections for Abused Women and their Children

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Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)

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Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. 

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov)."  (GOOGLE AI: SOURCE)

(First of all -- Disclaimer -- It is important to note that we ALL have Personalityies.  And we probably ALL have flaws.  This is not really abotu anyone in this room, it is about a phenomenon.)

"Domestic violence is frequently linked to specific, deeply ingrained personality flaws and distorted cognitive schemas in abusers, rather than just anger issues. Common traits include a high need for control, extreme jealousy, low self-esteem masked by arrogance, inability to accept responsibility, and poor empathy. These characteristics, often combined with a belief in rigid gender roles, lead to coercive, abusive, and manipulative behaviors designed to establish power over a partner. 

(Connections for Abused Women and their Children).

Core Character Traits of Abusers

Need for Control & Power: An intense desire to control the partner's actions, clothing, money, and social life.

Extreme Jealousy and Possessiveness: Frequent, unfounded accusations of infidelity and monitoring of communication.

Low Self-Esteem & Insecurity: Often masked by an arrogant, demanding, or narcissistic demeanor.

Lack of Responsibility/Blame-Shifting: Refusal to accept accountability for their actions, often blaming the victim or external factors (e.g., alcohol, stress).

Poor Empathy & Manipulation: Using manipulative tactics, guilt, and the silent treatment to get their way.

Rigid Belief Systems: Adherence to myths about domestic violence and traditional gender roles.

"Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" Personality: Often charming or kind in public, but abusive behind closed doors. 

 

Common Behavioral Warning Signs

Rapid Relationship Pacing: Rushing into commitment (e.g., "love bombing").

Isolation: Attempting to cut the victim off from friends, family, and support systems.

Verbal Abuse & Demeaning Behavior: Name-calling, insults, and belittling, especially in private.

Explosive Temper: Sudden rages, throwing objects, or violence against objects (e.g., kicking furniture).

Cruelty: Abuse toward pets or other household members. 

                                              (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

"Underlying Causes & Contributing Factors

History of Abuse: Many perpetrators were victims of child abuse or witnessed domestic violence in their childhood.

Personality Disorders: Traits associated with borderline or antisocial personality disorders are common in abusers.

Substance Abuse: While not a cause of abuse, addiction often acts as a trigger or excuse for violent behavior. " (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention | CDC (.gov))

If you or someone you know is in an unsafe relationship, resources are available. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit their website for confidential support.  *(https://www.google.com/search?  Source)."

What about Personality Traits and Domestic Violence:

"Negative personality traits often hinder personal growth, damage relationships, and create toxic environments. Key negative traits include manipulation, arrogance, selfishness, dishonesty, and apathy. These traits can lead to poor communication, lack of accountability, and constant, unproductive criticism of others. 

Manipulative: Using deceitful or subtle tactics to control others for personal gain.

Arrogant: Acting overconfident, superior, or dismissive toward others.

Selfish: Lacking empathy and focusing only on one's own needs and interests.

Dishonest: Lacking integrity, frequently lying, or misleading people.

Apathetic/Cynical: Lacking care, passion, or assuming the worst about people and situations. 

Other common, detrimental traits include impulsiveness, constant complaining, insecurity, and defensiveness." (Source).

Good Character and Prevention of Domestic Violence:

"The Six Pillars of Character is a framework for teaching good character and is composed of six ethical values (characteristics) everyone can agree upon: Trustworthiness; Respect; Responsibility; Fairness; Caring; and Citizenship." ()

"Good character shapes a relationship by establishing a foundation of trust, respect, and emotional safety, which are essential for long-term success. It drives positive interactions through empathy, intentional communication, and accountability, allowing couples to navigate challenges effectively. Good character fosters harmony by prioritizing mutual needs and fostering personal growth. 

From the Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute: 

"Key Ways Good Character Shapes Relationships:

Builds Trust and Stability: Integrity, honesty, and loyalty are core character traits that make a partner reliable, creating a secure environment for intimacy to flourish.

Fosters Effective Communication: Individuals with good character practice active listening, are intentional about communication, and handle disagreements constructively without resorting to abuse or contempt.

Promotes Resilience and Growth: Strong character enables partners to take responsibility for their mistakes, show humility, and support each other's personal growth, which keeps the relationship evolving.

Encourages Empathy and Support: Compassion and kindness ensure that partners feel supported, understood, and validated, reducing the impact of conflict.

Ensures Equality and Respect: Good character means treating a partner as an equal, respecting boundaries, and valuing their perspective, rather than attempting to control or change them. 

 

Chicago Psychoanalytic Institute

Character acts as the foundation that determines the "destiny" of a marriage, often proving more vital to long-term fulfillment than love alone. " (Source)

What is a Personality Disorder?

So what is wrong with a Personality Disorder?

"Personality disorders can severely strain relationships through chronic conflict, intense emotional volatility, fear of abandonment, and manipulative or controlling behaviors. Partners often experience an "emotional roller coaster" characterized by rapid shifts between idolization and devaluation (splitting), creating an unpredictable, exhausting, and often abusive environment that erodes trust and mental health. 

Mental Health Center of America

Key ways a personality disorder can damage a relationship include:

Emotional Volatility & Conflict: Rapid, intense mood swings can lead to explosive anger, unpredictable arguments, and constant stress, leaving partners feeling trapped or emotionally exhausted.

Fear of Abandonment & Clinging: Intense anxiety regarding abandonment can cause desperate, controlling, or insecure behaviors, such as constant reassurance seeking or sabotaging the relationship first to avoid being left.

Splitting & Idealization-Devaluation: The partner may be viewed as either perfect or terrible (black-and-white thinking), leading to sudden, confusing shifts in treatment from loving to intensely critical.

Manipulative or Distrustful Behavior: Some personality disorders, like paranoid or antisocial, can cause severe mistrust, leading to unfounded accusations of infidelity or malicious intent. This can result in manipulation, gaslighting, or emotional abuse.

Impulsive and Self-Destructive Actions: Risky behaviors, such as substance abuse, financial irresponsibility, or threats of self-harm, can devastate a couple's stability.

Isolation: Individuals may isolate their partners from friends and family or become intensely codependent, destroying the partner's support systems. 

Mayo Clinic

While these behaviors are not typically a conscious choice, they stem from ingrained patterns that often require professional intervention and therapy (like DBT) to manage."  (Source)

How Might These Contribute to Domestic Violence?

Does this make DV Okay?

What are Character Flaws?

What do a Person's Perception, Sense of Feeling or Emotional Reaction, Thinking, Behavior and  Conscience look like when they have a Character Flaw?

What if the Flaw is in both (would-be) partners?

What is a Personality Disorder?

List of Personality Disorders?

Some people say that people with Personality Disorders have Character Flaws.

Can a person have a Character Flaw and NOT have a Personality Disorder?

What do Character Flaws and Personality Disorders sometimes lead to -- DV - Wise?

How can one prevent being 

Meaning and DV: What is the meaning of A Relationship? How does that Meaning Change over time (for Better or For Worse)...?

DRAFT -- PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT, or SHARE this article.  It is a DRAFT.

  According to CoPilot, there is a book related to the value or power of meaning in a given relationship.    

  For example, the book, "The Power of Meaning by Emily Esfahani Smith explores the significance of meaning in life, emphasizing that pursuing meaning leads to greater life satisfaction and resilience than merely chasing happiness. The book identifies four pillars of meaning: purpose, connection, transcendence, and growth through adversity."  (Source).

  According to AI, "Power is the capacity to influence, control, or act, often manifested through authority, expertise, or strength to get things done. Conversely, meaning relates to the purpose, significance, and understanding behind those actions. While power focuses on how to influence outcomes, meaning provides the why behind the pursuit" (Source).

  Did you ever wonder what the value of Meaning is to a Relationship? 

  In other words, how might a given partner's sense of Meaning in a relationship impact their interest in staying in a the relationship?

  Perhaps the characteristics of a relationship change after abuse happens; but the relationship is still there even if you are broken up -- whether you communicate or not.)

  Assuming that we each have meaning in our lives; it stands to reason that more deeply developing an understanding of the meaning in our lives can help us over time to better manage our lives through clearer perceptions of what is happening around us, better understandings of what is happening around us, and more insight into the meanings of what is happening to us; as well as well as being able to more readily see how we might be impacting others.  This deeper development of insight may in fact help us build more powerful inroads to manifesting a higher quality of interpersonal effectiveness in our lives.

  That being said, the concept of Meaning seems to become even more relevant to successful and possibly even healthy relationships: What is Meaning?  What is the full meaning of meaning? (AI Overview) 

  "The full meaning of "meaning" encompasses significance, purpose, import, and the intended message conveyed by words, symbols, actions, or experiences, representing what something signifies, its underlying intent, or its inherent value, from the dictionary definition (e.g., "the meaning of 'happy'") to profound personal purpose (e.g., "the meaning of life"). It involves both explicit content (denotation) and implied significance (connotation)" (Source AI overview).

"Key Aspects of Meaning:

  Significance/Import: The importance, value, or implication of something.

  Intention/Purpose: The aim or goal behind an expression or action (e.g., "Do not mistake my meaning").

  Representation: What a word, symbol, or gesture stands for or refers to (e.g., a skull representing death).

  Contextual Understanding: How meaning shifts with grammar, culture, or personal interpretation (e.g., a look "full of meaning")  (AI Overview Link).

Types of Meaning:

Linguistic: The sense or definition of words and sentences.

Symbolic: Hidden or deeper interpretations, like in art or gestures.

Existential: The personal quest for purpose in life.

In essence, meaning is the bridge between a sign (word, action) and the concept or feeling it conveys, whether explicitly stated or deeply felt." (Source, AI Overview).

 

    Hence, it seems reasonable to assume that Relationships do change over time.  And that if there is some sort of Abuse (of any kind), that to can change the meaning of a relationship in a big way.

  Perhaps it goes from being a wonderful dreamboat type of relationship, to something else... From Friendship and Love; to Fear, Disrespect, Sadness, Anger, Vengeance, Betrayal and even Physical Violence.   

  This could probably change the meaning of a Relationship. 

  So... "What is the real meaning of relationship??? 

The full meaning of "relationship" refers to the connection, association, or bond between two or more people, things, or concepts, encompassing how they interact, feel, and behave towards each other, ranging from family ties and friendships to romantic partnerships, business dealings, or even abstract ideas like the link between inflation and unemployment, defined by shared experiences, mutual understanding, and patterns of interaction."  (Source, AI Overview).

Now, look at the list below and think about how these aspects of meaning in a relationship might change if there is Abuse.

"Key aspects of a relationship:

Connection: A fundamental state of being linked or related.

Interaction: The way people talk, behave, and deal with each other. 

Feelings: Involves mutual feelings, emotions, trust, and love (platonic or romantic).

Types: Can be familial (blood/marriage), platonic (friendship), romantic/sexual, or professional (business, working).

Scope: Extends beyond people to include connections between groups, countries, or even abstract concepts (e.g., "the relationship between two variables").

Dynamics: Can evolve over time, be positive or negative, close or distant, and involve expectations and reciprocity.

In essence, a relationship is the state of being connected and the quality of that connection, describing the entire dynamic of how entities relate to one another."  (Source, AI Overview).

  *****

 Did you ever stop to wonder what it means when a relationship has abuse or Domestic Violence?

  Theoretically, the meaning of a relationship is likely to change once abuse or DV begins to crop up between the two partners.

  And when a relationship changes; it follows that there is a strong possibility that the meaning of the relationship also changes in the minds of the two partners -- as well quite possibly as in the minds of the others involved.

                                 *****

  For example: What does it mean when a relationship is peaceful?  Perhaps, "Life is good..."  There is joy, happiness, pleasure, hope, and a possible future...

  What does it mean when a relationship is violent?  Domestic Violence -- How does DV Change the Meaning of a Relationship?

  Emotional Damage of DV might include but is not limited to: "Exposure to traumatic events can lead to stress, fear and isolation, which may lead to depression and suicidal thoughts or behavior. Survivors of domestic violence may internalize verbal abuse from their partner. They may blame themselves for their situation or feel anger and resentment toward themselves."  (Source, AI Overview).

  And Finally, What might be the Meaning of A Life be ------ AFTER Domestic Violence?  Many of us have probably thought about this.  Some people have probably even killed themselves after a relationship.  In fact, it has been written that: 

"Survivors of intimate partner violence are twice as likely to attempt suicide multiple times, he points out, and cases of murder-suicide are most likely to occur in the context of abuse. Yet despite the clear link, the mental health and intimate partner violence fields have historically worked in isolation.."  (Source.)

  As for those who survive such tragedy, things can be difficult as well.  From the Article:  Life After Abuse"  What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors Surviving Abuse (24 June 2024).

  "I recently had the privilege of attending a talk by Dr Ramani Durvasula for "the mentl space" podcast: live , where she discussed her latest book, “It’s Not You.”

  Another author wrote: "The evening was nothing short of liberating, filled with tears, laughter, validation, and hope. It struck a chord deep within me, resonating with my experience as a domestic violence survivor, writes Anna Marie Lopes, founder of ‘iambraveandfree’ and Highly Commended Mental Health hero in ‘the mentl awards 2023‘" (Source).

  "Dr Ramani’s words echoed a sentiment often overlooked in discussions about abuse—the impact on survivors. For too long, the focus has been on the abuser and the abuse itself. We dissect the tactics and raise awareness of what abuse is (which is important), but rarely delve into the ever-so-painful aftermath. It was this thought that led me to write this piece and share what it’s like for survivors of abuse to live with trauma."  (Source).

Understanding Trauma

  It is a common misconception that once the abuse is over, the trauma is over. Having escaped an abusive relationship, I know of this misjudgment all too well because I’ve had well-wishers ask me “Why does it still affect you? Didn’t that happen a long time ago?” Well, you see, leaving an abusive relationship is not a clean break. The abuse may be over but the trauma has just begun. Gabor Maté eloquently captured this concept when he said: “Trauma is not what happens to you; it is what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”

  For the sake of more clarity on what trauma is, imagine surviving a car crash. The actual crash happens in a flash, but the consequences follow through. The car, depending on the impact, might be totaled or need extensive repairs. And the person involved faces a list of potential injuries aka trauma. Minor accidents might require a few stitches or a short hospital stay, while severe ones could involve surgery, intensive care, and a lengthy recuperation period. This may call for additional treatment or lifestyle adjustments. The bottom line is: a car crash can have a severe toll on the human body and the physical force of a collision can lead to injuries that may alter the way the person does everyday life after that.  (Source).

  This analogy highlights how trauma as a result of abuse is similar. A car crash might be a single, shocking event that results in various kinds of trauma to the body (and mind). Now imagine enduring any kind of abuse for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. The trauma will undoubtedly be far-reaching, deep and complex, and may need long-term treatment, healing and life-alterations. This is the reality for survivors who grapple with the impact of abuse, long after the abuse itself has ended.  (Source).

The Challenges of Living with Trauma

We’ve explored what trauma is and its intensity. Now, let’s dive deeper. What does living with trauma truly entail? Here are some insights into the daily experiences of those affected, including myself."  (Source).

Play the Audio: (From:Life After Abuse: What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors  | Mentl Space).

"Developing PTSD/C-PTSD

  One of the most significant impacts of abuse is the possibility of developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) or complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). PTSD is a mental health condition that can arise after experiencing or witnessing a highly distressing event. On the other hand, CPTSD is mental health condition that can develop from experiencing or witnessing chronic (long-term) distressing events. Both are characterized by intrusive memories, flashbacks, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, and avoidance of triggers related to the trauma, with C-TPSD being more nuanced because of the longer duration of distress.   (Source).

  To shed more light on the seriousness of C-PTSD, a study found that women who survived childhood sexual trauma exhibited symptoms similar to those seen in PTSD among Vietnam veterans. Both survivors and veterans endured experiences marked by feelings of helpless terror and threats to their body and life. In each case, PTSD stemmed from traumatic violence, and “tenacious symptoms were the result.” However, there were several differences between sexual abuse survivors and veterans.   The women were typically abused by family members, were much younger when they were abused, and experienced it in isolation rather than as part of a group. As a result their abuse lasted longer, was more likely to have been repressed, and they experienced delayed therapy."   (Source).

"Chronic People Pleasing

  Another impact of abuse is the tendency to develop people-pleasing behaviours. This is not just about offering to grab extra coffee on a work run -– it’s a complex coping mechanism rooted in traumatic experiences.   (Source).

  Imagine constantly feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, never wanting to upset anyone. This is the reality for many survivors. The fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and constant anticipation that others will react negatively or harshly can lead survivors of abuse to prioritize the needs of others over their own. This chronic people-pleasing takes a toll, leading to emotional exhaustion, a lost sense of identity, and difficulty setting boundaries in relationships."   (Source).

"Risk of Revictimization

  Did you know that survivors of abuse have a high tendency of falling into future abusive relationships? This vulnerability stems from a complex interplay of factors. For one, the distorted dynamics of an abusive relationship can become strangely familiar. Survivors might unconsciously seek out partners who display similar behaviors, simply because that’s what they know. This familiarity, however unsettling, can feel strangely comforting.   (Source).

  Trauma can also warp a survivor’s understanding of healthy relationships. The constant need to appease the abuser can become ingrained. They might mistake unhealthy power dynamics (that are not so clear-cut) for love and prioritize a partner’s happiness above their own. This distorted lens makes it difficult to identify and avoid future abusive relationships."   (Source).

"Low Self-Esteem and Trust issues

  Abuse isn’t a bump in the road, it’s a relentless assault on a survivor’s sense of self-worth. The constant barrage of criticism, manipulation, and belittlement used by abusers erodes a person’s self-esteem like a sculptor chipping away at stone. I for one, after leaving my abuser, found myself drowning in a sea of self-doubt, questioning my judgment, value, and even my sanity.    (Source).

  This internal battleground bred shame, self-blame, and the suffocating belief that I was unworthy of love or happiness. What’s more, I even struggled to trust myself and others, making healthy relationships incredibly hard. Withdrawn and guarded, I have often feared the sting of betrayal and the pain of further emotional harm."   (Source).

"External Invalidation

It’s a cruel twist of the knife –-  you survive abuse, only to be called “weak” or “overly sensitive.” But it’s true, the stigma abuse survivors face is brutal. We are constantly misunderstood for our current reactions to triggers or stressful situations. These responses, however, are far from weakness; they’re a fight to survive because of the profound impact of abuse on our mental and emotional well-being.  (Source).

  Articulating experiences can be incredibly difficult for survivors. Explaining how past abuse continues to shape their present can feel like speaking a foreign language. This often leads to people not being able to grasp the complexities of trauma and its long-lasting effects. This then creates an isolating silence, making it even harder for survivors to seek support or feel understood on their healing journey."   (Source).

"Being Stuck in Fight, Flight or Freeze

Another debilitating consequence of abuse is getting stuck in a long-term fight, flight, or freeze mode. Imagine your nervous system as a primal protector, constantly on high alert. Abuse throws this system into chaos, leaving survivors hyper-vigilant and trapped in a cycle of fear. (Kind of like how you’d feel when the fire alarm in the building rings and you don’t know if you’ve got to evacuate or stay put considering a month prior there actually was a fire and you were trapped until help came.)   (Source). 

  As a result, survivors might become easily triggered and lash out (fight), withdraw from social connections to avoid overwhelm (flight), or experience emotional numbness or difficulty mobilizing (freeze) –- all desperate attempts to cope in response to a faulty alarm system that has short-circuited from abuse. This prolonged state of heightened arousal or shutdown can severely impact their daily life, relationships, and overall well-being. Overcoming this state often requires specialized therapy and support to help the survivor feel safe and learn to regulate their nervous system."   (Source).

"Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

  We’ve established that trauma can leave survivors devastated in several ways. To numb the crushing weight, they may turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms. This can manifest in self-harm, substance abuse, or eating disorders –- all desperate attempts to find comfort at any cost.  These mechanisms might offer a temporary escape from what they experienced, a sense of control in a world that feels out of control for them. However, as many of us know, this path is a dangerous illusion. It’s a vicious cycle, that further complicates the healing journey, leaving survivors trapped in a cycle of numbing the pain with substances that ultimately cause more pain."   (Source).

"Living with Trauma is not a dead end

  While we’ve explored some of the challenges faced by survivors of abuse, remember this is just a glimpse. Trauma carves its own path through each life. Healing, however, is not a distant dream. Help is available, and for those in an abusive relationship or rebuilding afterwards, a fulfilling future is absolutely possible.   (Source).

  The road to healing is long, demanding, and often unpredictable. Yet, with support, therapy, and self-care, survivors don’t just overcome these challenges –- they transcend them. They build resilience, reclaim their power, and create lives filled with joy and meaning. Last but not least, remember, for survivors of abuse, healing isn’t a destination, it’s a journey –- a relentless march forward, one brave step at a time."  (From:Life After Abuse: What Living with Trauma is Like for Survivors  | Mentl Space).   (Source).

The following is Continued from earlier quote:  "

"10 Steps to Heal From Emotional Abuse

Acknowledge the Issue. The first step towards healing from emotional abuse is to acknowledge that it happened. ...

Seek Support. ...

Practice Self-Care. ...

Identify Triggers. ...

Develop Coping Skills. ...

Practice Self-Compassion. ...

Set Boundaries. ...

Process Emotions."  (Source.)

Discussion Questions: 

Topic:  The Meaning of a Life after a Relationship that included Abuse

1. What is the Meaning of a Healthy Relationship to you?   

2. What is the Meaning of an Abusive Relationship to you?

3. How might the whole situation around your offense have meaning?

Mental Illness: Personality Disorders, Other Psychiatric Disorders, Substance Abuse Issues and Domestic Violence

   Some couples who find themselves in the middle of DV-related messes find that they both contributed to the situation.  Other couples fall into the depths of DV-Hell because one partner has a much larger DV-related Challenge than does the other; while this other is simply the Victim.  

  Some Couples -- whether they stay together or separated are able to expediently get their acts together; figure out what the problems are/were that put them at risk of another DV Offense; Take Steps to solve the problem; and then one or both of them move along their merry ways and never cross DV's doorstep again.

  Either way, some couples also find that one or both partners have psychiatric, psychosocial, psychopathic, sociopathic or other related problems that make it very difficult for either one or both of the partners to move on in a healthy way. 

 At the same time, it is important to note that the primary cause of Domestic Violence Behavior is the choice that one (or both) persons made just before it happened. 

Psychiatric Disorders and DV

   First and foremost, we each should try to accept that all humans have challenges, and many of us are working on our issues; while others are not.  That being said, it is probably a fact that virtually all human beings have parts of psychological disorders (however small or large) in their minds and they manifest in the presentation of their personalities; as well as in their behaviors.  Also, it is very important that people understand that the actual diagnosed disorders as briefly summarized below have many more conditions, symptoms and features than are  listed herein.  One cannot make a sound diagnosis based on the info in this article.

  This module is not intended to marginalize people with psychiatric challenges.  Because essentially, this applies to all of us in one way or another.  

  It's important to understand that the field of Psychiatric Disorders includes two basic types of disorders: Major Syndromes (like Depression or Schizophrenia) and Personality Disorders (like Narcissistic or Antisocial).  Additionally is is helpful to understand also Personality Disorders used to be called "Characterological Disorders".

   Personality Disorders have been believed by many who work in the field of Domestic Violence Prevention to be contributors to -- or Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.  These can include: Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, and others (Source 1).

Keep in mind: Regardless of a Personality Disorder; if a person commits DV against another person, they will probably be held accountable by the Courts and by the Community regardless as if the Disorder does not matter.

  It is also very important to understand that just because someone seems to have some sort of personality flavor or flaw as a characteristic in their thinking and behavior; it does not mean that they would qualify for an official diagnosis of that Personality Disorder or other Psychiatric Disorders.  

"What are Personality Disorders?  Personality is the way of thinking, feeling and behaving that makes a person different from other people. An individual’s personality is influenced by experiences, environment (surroundings, life situations) and inherited characteristics. A person’s personality typically stays the same over time. A personality disorder is a way of thinking, feeling and behaving that deviates from the expectations of the culture, causes distress or problems functioning, and lasts over time.1

There are 10 specific types of personality disorders. Personality disorders are long-term patterns of behavior and inner experiences that differs significantly from what is expected. The pattern of experience and behavior begins by late adolescence or early adulthood and causes distress or problems in functioning. Without treatment, personality disorders can be long-lasting. Personality disorders affect at least two of these areas:

• Way of thinking about oneself and others
• Way of responding emotionally
• Way of relating to other people
• Way of controlling one’s behavior" (Source).

Some DV Advocates have even created a form of a Personality Disorder that they call, "Abusive (or sadistic) Personality Disorder".

"Those with sadistic personality disorder derive pleasure from the distress caused by their aggressive, demeaning, and cruel behavior toward others. They have poor ability to control their reactions and become enraged by minor disturbances, with some sadists being more severely abusive."  (Source)

Narcissistic Personality: "Narcissistic personality disorder: a pattern of need for admiration and lack of empathy for others. A person with narcissistic personality disorder may have a grandiose sense of self-importance, a sense of entitlement, take advantage of others or lack empathy."  (Source).

Borderline Personality: "Borderline personality disorder: a pattern of instability in personal relationships, intense emotions, poor self-image and impulsivity. A person with borderline personality disorder may go to great lengths to avoid being abandoned, have repeated suicide attempts, display inappropriate intense anger or have ongoing feelings of emptiness."  (Source).

Antisocial Personality: "Antisocial personality disorder: a pattern of disregarding or violating the rights of others. A person with antisocial personality disorder may not conform to social norms, may repeatedly lie or deceive others, or may act impulsively."  (Source).

  It is possible that some DV problems are NOT related to Antisocial, Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorders; but rather could be attributed to -- at least in part -- to a Dependent Personality Disorder; or a severe Anxiety Disorder or Depressive Disorder or Bipolar Disorder.  And of course, there is also data that supports the idea that Substance Use and Abuse can be a strong contributor to Domestic Violence Thinking, DV Feeling and DV Behavior.  These Disorders are commonly defined in the following ways:

Dependent Personality: "Dependent personality disorder: a pattern of needing to be taken care of and submissive and clingy behavior. People with dependent personality disorder may have difficulty making daily decisions without reassurance from others or may feel uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of fear or inability to take care of themselves."  (Source).

Anxiety Disorder: "Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress and can be beneficial in some situations. It can alert us to dangers and help us prepare and pay attention. Anxiety disorders differ from normal feelings of nervousness or anxiousness, and involve excessive fear or anxiety. Anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and affect nearly 30 percent of adults at some point in their lives. 

But anxiety disorders are treatable and a number of effective treatments are available. Treatment helps most people lead normal productive lives.  Anxiety refers to anticipation of a future concern and is more associated with muscle tension and avoidance behavior.  Fear is an emotional response to an immediate threat and is more associated with a fight or flight reaction – either staying to fight or leaving to escape danger.

Anxiety disorders can cause people to try to avoid situations that trigger or worsen their symptoms. Job performance, school work and personal relationships can be affected.  In general, for a person to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the fear or anxiety must:

• Be out of proportion to the situation or age inappropriate
• Hinder your ability to function normally

There are several types of anxiety disorders, including generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, specific phobias, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder and separation anxiety disorder." (Source).

Depressive Disorder: "Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities you once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease your ability to function at work and at home.  Depression symptoms can vary from mild to severe and can include:

• Feeling sad or having a depressed mood
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed
• Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Loss of energy or increased fatigue
• Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., inability to sit still, pacing, handwringing) or slowed movements or speech (these actions must be severe enough to be observable by others)
• Feeling worthless or guilty
• Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Symptoms must last at least two weeks and must represent a change in your previous level of functioning for a diagnosis of depression.  Also, medical conditions (e.g., thyroid problems, a brain tumor or vitamin deficiency) can mimic symptoms of depression so it is important to rule out general medical causes.

Depression affects an estimated one in 15 adults (6.7%) in any given year. And one in six people (16.6%) will experience depression at some time in their life. Depression can occur at any time, but on average, first appears during the late teens to mid-20's. Women are more likely than men to experience depression. Some studies show that one-third of women will experience a major depressive episode in their lifetime. There is a high degree of heritability (approximately 40%) when first-degree relatives (parents/children/siblings) have depression" (Source).

Bipolar Disorder: "Bipolar disorders are brain disorders that cause changes in a person’s mood, energy and ability to function. Bipolar disorder is a category that includes three different conditions — bipolar 1, bipolar 2 and cyclothymic disorder.

People with bipolar disorders have extreme and intense emotional states that occur at distinct times, called mood episodes. These mood episodes are categorized as manic, hypomanic or depressive. People with bipolar disorders generally have periods of normal mood as well. Bipolar disorders can be treated, and people with these illnesses can lead full and productive lives." (Source).

Substance Use or Abuse Disorder: "What is Addiction: Addiction is a complex condition, a brain disease that is manifested by compulsive substance use despite harmful consequence. People with addiction (severe substance use disorder) have an intense focus on using a certain substance(s), such as alcohol or drugs, to the point that it takes over their life. They keep using alcohol or a drug even when they know it will cause problems. Yet a number of effective treatments are available and people can recover from addiction and lead normal, productive lives."

"People can develop an addiction to:

• Alcohol
• Marijuana
• PCP, LSD and other hallucinogens
• Inhalants, such as, paint thinners and glue
• Opioid pain killers, such as codeine and oxycodone, heroin
• Sedatives, hypnotics and anxiolytics (medicines for anxiety such as tranquilizers)
• Cocaine, methamphetamine and other stimulants
• Tobacco"

"People with a substance use disorder have distorted thinking, behavior and body functions. Changes in the brain’s wiring are what cause people to have intense cravings for the drug and make it hard to stop using the drug. Brain imaging studies show changes in the areas of the brain that relate to judgment, decision making, learning, memory and behavior control.

These substances can cause harmful changes in how the brain functions. These changes can last long after the immediate effects of the drug. Intoxication is the intense pleasure, calm, increased senses or a high caused by the drug. Intoxication symptoms are different for each substance.  Over time people with addiction build up a tolerance, meaning they need larger amounts to feel the effects.

According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, people begin taking drugs for a variety of reasons, including:

• to feel good — feeling of pleasure, “high”
• to feel better — e.g., relieve stress
• to do better — improve performance
• curiosity and peer pressure

People with addictive disorders may be aware of their problem, but be unable to stop it even if they want to. The addiction may cause health problems as well as problems at work and with family members and friends. The misuse of drugs and alcohol is the leading cause of preventable illnesses and premature death.

Symptoms of substance use disorder are grouped into four categories:

• Impaired control: a craving or strong urge to use the substance; desire or failed attempts to cut down or control substance use
• Social problems: substance use causes failure to complete major tasks at work, school or home; social, work or leisure activities are given up or cut back because of substance use
• Risky use: substance is used in risky settings; continued use despite known problems
• Drug effects: tolerance (need for larger amounts to get the same effect); withdrawal symptoms (different for each substance)

Many people experience both mental illness and addiction. The mental illness may be present before the addiction. Or the addiction may trigger or make a mental disorder worse." (Source).

Discussion:  

  Everyone has a personality.  Many DV Offenders have some of these Disorders as listed above -- or other disorders.  However, no DV Offense can be 100% attributed to such disorders.  Why?  Because lots of people with such disorders have never had a DV Offense.  If nothing else, at least we must have made some choices in order to get into trouble.  It is the disorders, however, that often impact our opinions that lead us to such bad choices.  But still, it is us making the choices.  And too often, one of those choices is to NOT get help for our disorders.  Sometimes, we are unaware of our issues until after we start getting help for the symptoms.

  And many DV Victims have these problems as well.  And it is imperative to accept the fact that even if she or he has serious problems, that does not excuse abusing her or him. 

  And most everyone has some personality, thinking, feeling of behavior features that might remind them or others of Personality Disorders.   Everyone has some anxiety and some depression in their lives.  Substance abuse is perhaps the king of them all.  Many MANY DV Offenders were using drugs or alcohol when they got into DV Trouble.  Everyone finds patterns in their lives.  And often their patterns can tell them a lot about their behavior.  

  Another way to look at this is to consider also that many people commit Domestic Violence while they are trying to help (or make) their partner stop using alcohol or drugs; or when they are trying to get their partner the help that they need for a mental illness.  It is important to consider however, that whenever such a situation arises, who ever is trying to help someone stop using drugs or alcohol or trying to help (or make) them start getting help for an untreated mental illness MUST ALWAYS be respectful of that person's privacy and respectful of that person's Rights.

  It is important to know about these things... And to know this is not about shame or guilt.  It is about awareness, accepting responsibility, getting help if needed, and moving forward in a healthier way.

  The first step here is to do some serious soul searching, and then to get help if things like this are Risk Factors for you in your relationships. And effectively addressing such issues truly can improve the quality of your life.  So Go For It!!!

*** Please CLICK HERE To Complete your

PSYCHIATRIC DISORDERS & DV Worksheet. ***

References for SA and DV:

 “What is the link between violence and alcohol use?  Alcohol plays a large role in criminal activities and violence. Excessive drinking has the ability to lower inhibitions, impair a person's judgement and increase the risk of aggressive behaviors. Because of this, alcohol-related violence and crime rates are on the rise throughout the country.”  (https://www.alcoholrehabguide.org/alcohol/crimes/#:~:text=Alcohol%20plays%20a%20large%20role,the%20rise%20throughout%20the%20country.)." 

 

Song List for Discouraging Substance Abuse 

to Listen to While You Do Your Worksheets

No No No Song, Ringo

Stuck in the middle with you.

Pusherman

Surrender

Needle and the Spoon

Purple Haze

She Talks to Angels

Cocaine Blues

Life in the Fast Lane

Truckin

Go Ask Alice

La Flaca

(Originally Published 11/2/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).