Making Choices About Relationships -- How Important is it to Make a SMART Choice Regarding Our Relationships?

  When you make an important choice in your life, what do you go through... ?    What's it like for you?

  Some folks think that Relationships just happen automatically -- or even magically.  Like I'm just walking along one day and BOOM!!! Cupid done hit me with an Arrow.... and I'm in love.  

  Ain't no stopping me now!  

  Other times, we feel comfortable; or even obligated due to having a shared history or something like that.

  What is this about relationships that a person will pretty much risk their livelihood -- if not her or his life -- in order to be in one?  Why are relationships sometimes so difficult and/or so impactful?  

  Sometimes or Somewhere among the ponderings that we go through while crying through the shambles of a broken relationship we start making choices, don't we?  Even in the Break-Up Zone we are making choices.  But then a lot of folks don't think about it this way; so what comes next seems like it could be nothing, a make up, a break up, or a new relationship -- or even just a distraction.

  So, How about Relationships -- Do our troubles just come to us automatically; or do we help create them?  So this gets us to thinking doesn't it...

  Do I make SMART Choices regarding Relationships?  Sometimes, yes.  But No, Not always.  Right?

  Can we agree that it is time to start Making Smarter Choices regarding our Relationships -- So what is a SMART Choice anyway?

  

What is A Real S M A R T choice?  Well it starts with the following tools here            (Spell it out -- SMART):

BEFORE YOU GET INVOLVED IN A NEW RELATIONSHIP or 

BEFORE YOU MAKE THE NEXT BIG DECISION IN YOUR EXISTING RELATIONSHIP consider the following:

S -- Be Sort of Selfish.  -- Think about your own needs first... (Wants and Desires come later). What are my needs?  Don't ever get into a relationship just because THEY want you to.  What if I make a bad choice?  

  NEVER be so afraid to make a change that you are stubbornly stuck with a poor choice.  Realize, you are there by CHOICE.

M  -- MAKE sure you go for a Healthy Relationship -- NOT just a fling -- Unless of course a fling is all you really want.  But be sure to protect yourself.  Either way, always try to choose the Healthier Road.  Before you make a choice; be sure it is a choice you can live with (and hopefully thrive with).

A   -- Remember, to make A smart choice.  Assess the Potential Pros and Cons first -- before you act.  -- Always do a Cost-Benefit Analysis (Hint: Always Analyze the potential costs first).  Look at the Risks first.

R  -- Always Respect Yourself and Respect your potential partners -- no matter what happens.  Respect is the name of the game in healthy relationships.  Remember: Whenever DV Happens, someone is probably disrespecting someone.  And it might be the other person or themselves or both.

  And then finally...

T  -- Trust your Instincts, and your Desires, and your Attractions -- but NEVER do so, prior to conducting a thorough empirical analysis.  (Empirical means that you separate what you KNOW from what you THINK you KNOW).  Get REAL.  DO NOT go against Reality.  Know as much as you possibly can about what you are getting into before you get into it.

               Finally, Slow Down!  Don't go so fast... We have all day.

  Sometimes the person who we are when we first meet someone else is a good bit different from the person who we become while in the relationship.  

  Sometimes this might be good.  

  But other times -- all too many times -- this can be tragic.

For example: 

  Did you ever wish you could stop and really examine how YOU are in long-term Relationships?  Like who do I become when I get involved?

    Or 

  Have you ever even really looked at how your prospective partners might be in a long-term Relationship -- before you get into the relationship with them?  

  If you answer is "No", then realize that this is a pretty natural thing.  It is natural for humans to want to find mates.  And sometimes we feel so awful after losing one mate that we are not as selective or choosy as we should be in selecting the next potential mate.  Why?  Because we are in such a hurry.

  Hence, we end up in trouble again -- sometimes BIG Trouble!  

  If you don't like getting into trouble, then perhaps it could be beneficial to develop some good insights into why your relationships sometimes turn out the way they do -- whether good or bad?

  And it seems logical to assume that one of the greatest influences on how we behave in relationships could have something to do with the kind of person we are in relationships.  Or with the type of person we are with -- if there is a difference.

  So whether I am already in a Relationship; or I am not currently in a Relationship but I want- or don't want to be in that Relationship; questions around the idea of What Type of Person I am; and What Type of Person I might like to have in my life can be very important.  Exploring this might help us for a number of reasons.  It could definitely give us some useful insights.

  So, Did I ever really stop to think: What Type of Person am I?  

  When I am in a Relationship, do I tend to feel, think, react or act in certain ways that either encourage the relationship to last; or even destroy the relationship before it's time?  

  A very honest look at this can quite possibly bring a bounty of wisdom.

  But then we really must remember that it takes two to have a relationship.  

  So it's not only about me and how I think, feel and behave.  But it's also about my partner and how they think, feel and behave.

  All of this begs the question(s): 

-- What Type of Person am I? 

-- What Type of Person Would I Like to Have in my Life? 

-- And what exactly do I want and need in a Relationship?

  Like am I the type of person that brings out the furious anger in a mate?  -- Not that it's my fault if they are abusive though.  

  Or ...  Do I just have a tendency to push a few too many buttons sometimes?

  Or ...  am I a person who is easy to love on a daily basis?

  

Think about it:  

What kind of person are you? 

Are you easy to live with? 

Are you an easy lover? 

Or Are you difficult to handle? 

If so, do you want to change that?  

The first step to changing anything is to have a good understanding of what is going on with you.

Or, Look at it This Way:  Another related set of important questions could be:   

  What kind of person would you like to have in your life?  

One who is easy to live with? 

One who is an easy lover? 

Charming? 

Or one who is difficult to handle .... and challenging... or perhaps a little drama here and there?

  Then Maybe One Should Ask -- What are some of the characteristics of a person (self or other) who is Easy to live with for you?  

  Or Ask -- what are some of the characteristics of a person who is NOT Easy to live with for you?

  In other words: What do I really want a person to be like that I would want to get involved with? 

  And then ask, What would that person want me to be like if we were in a relationship?

 After this, one can even go on to think about what exactly do I feel like I need in a Relationship?  And other things like that as well.

  And Thinking about these things before diving deeper into an existing relationship can be pretty wise; or before striking up a new relationship as well.  This might help us to avoid pitfalls as well as help us to have better relationships in the future.

This is a good time for a TOOL (No, not that kind of tool!):

Relationship-Related Qualities (Good and Bad) That Some People tend to have:

  Try considering this Partial List of Relationship-Related Qualities (good and bad) that some people tend to have in Relationships.  Then for each quality ask yourself a couple of questions: 

•   Does this quality describe me and how I am in a Relationship?  And/Or...

•   Does this quality describe the kind of person I would like to be with in a Relationship?

•   OR... is this the kind of person who I would LOVE to be like in a relationship; OR in a relationship with... but it just never seems to happen that way?

Here's THE LIST:   Ready???

Industrious

Creative

A Follower

The Leader

A Good Lover

A Hater

Kinda Freaky

A Straight Edge

The Worker

A Good Parent

An Adult Child who has not yet worked through it.

Brutally Honest

A Nice Person

The Helper 

The Martyr (Always the Victim)

Very Serious (But NOT Stalker Status)

A Jokester

Really Smart

Somewhat Destructive

The Neat-Freak

A Slob

A Collector (But not a Hoarder)

The Hippie (how about the Old Hippie)

Delicate

Durable

Jealous

A Dancer

Somewhat Courageous

Narrowly-Focused

Broad-Minded

Sex-Appeal

Passive

Aggressive

Passive- Aggressive

Submissive

Straight Up

Laid Back

Religious / Spiritual

Daddy's Little Girl / Mama's Little Boy

Relatively Independent

Talented

Easy-Going

Futuristic

Frugal

Cheap

Wasteful

Dwells on the Past

Forgiving

Humble

Fretful

Confident

Generous

Stingy

Always Punctual

Lackadaisical

Motivated

Waiting to be told what to do

A Real Go-Getter

A Gaming Addict

A Disappointment

The Cheater

El Borracho / La Borracha

Attractive or Cute

Loyal

Very Political

Single-Minded

Foolish

Wise

Prideful

Lazy or

Modest

  -- So First, we go through this list (or another list -- you can add to it if you like) and we figure out some good information about who we are.  Am I any of these things?

  -- And then next, we go through and think about who we really want in our life?

  This is probably a useful exercise because some people can be extremely easy to get along with at first.  But once they get into the relationship, they can be really hard to deal with.  And it truly does not have to be that way.

  In other words, it can be heartbreaking when one learns that the person they got involved with is nothing like the person who they thought they were in the beginning.  

So Again: Think About It.  What type of person are you in a relationship?  

And what type of person would you like to be with in a relationship?

*** Click Here to Complete Your 

Qualities of Self and Partners 

in Relationships Worksheet ***

What is it like loving and/or living with a person who is violent? What is it like for Adults? What is it like for Children?

 *** THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT PRINT, COPY or DUPLICATE               IN ANY WAY. ***

"Loving and living with a violent person is frequently described as a traumatizing, isolating, and confusing experience, characterized by a "cycle of abuse" where violent outbursts are interspersed with periods of calm or kindness. Victims often feel as though they are walking on eggshells, constantly adjusting their behavior to avoid triggering their partner's temper. 

DomesticShelters.org

Key Aspects of the Experience

The Cycle of Abuse: Living with a violent partner usually involves a repeating pattern: tension building, the violent act (physical, verbal, or emotional), followed by a "honeymoon phase" of apologies and promises of change.

Constant Fear and Anxiety: The threat of violence can create a permanent state of fear, causing anxiety, depression, and long-term PTSD.

Isolation and Control: Abusers often limit their partner’s contact with friends and family, control their finances, and monitor their activities to create dependency.

Gaslighting and Confusion: Victims may be manipulated into questioning their own reality, memory, or sanity, with the abuser often blaming the victim for triggering the violence.

Trauma Bonding: Despite the harm, victims may feel a deep, intense attachment to their partner—known as trauma bonding—which can make leaving feel incredibly difficult. 

Behavioral Hospital of Bellaire"

"Emotional and Psychological Impact

Loss of Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and degradation can erode a person's sense of worth, making them feel they deserve the abuse or cannot survive without the partner.

Shame and Secrecy: Many survivors feel embarrassed or ashamed, leading them to hide the abuse from others, which further empowers the abuser.

Feeling Trapped: Victims often feel trapped due to fear of retaliation, lack of money, or a desire to keep the family together for children.

Physical Symptoms: The stress of living in a violent home often leads to chronic health issues, such as insomnia, headaches, and physical injuries." 

Psychiatry.org

"Why People Stay

Leaving a violent relationship is often the most dangerous time, and partners often stay because the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. Reasons for staying include:" 

Florida State University

Hope for Change: Believing the partner's promises that the violence will never happen again.

Financial Dependence: Lacking the resources to live independently.

Fear of Retaliation: The threat of severe harm or death if they leave."

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Finding Help

Violence in relationships is never the victim's fault and rarely changes without intervention. 

American Psychological Association (APA)

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788.

Seek Support: Contact a counselor, doctor, or a trusted friend to help create a safety plan. 

American Psychological Association (APA)

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 or local emergency services."

VIDEO: "How Domestic Violence Impacts Children"

VIDEO: "How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris | TED"

VIDEO: "Long term effects of domestic violence"

VIDEO: "Abusive Relationships Don't Always Look Like What You Think"

VIDEO: "8 Ways Emotional Abuse Traumatizes You"

VIDEO: "Finding the Light: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence"

VIDEO: "5 Stages of Abuse, 3 Is The Most Dangerous"

VIDEO: "Male Victims of Domestic Violence"

VIDEO: "Central Valley advocates speak up for teen domestic violence victims"

VIDEO: "What Are the 4 Phases of Emotional Abuse & How Does the Cycle Work? | Dr. David Hawkins"

VIDEO: "How can an advocate help if I’m experiencing abuse?"""

VIDEO: "How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime | Nadine Burke Harris | TED"

Just a simple Google Search of: "hormonal impact of children impacted by domestic violence"; yielded the following result:

"Children exposed to domestic violence often experience "toxic stress," leading to elevated, chronic levels of cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenaline due to a sustained fight-or-flight response. This hormonal imbalance can permanently alter brain development, cause immune system dysfunction, and result in long-term mental health issues (anxiety, depression) and poor stress management. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Key Hormonal and Physiological Impacts:

Chronic Cortisol Elevation: Repeated exposure to trauma keeps cortisol (the primary stress hormone) constantly high, which can damage the hippocampus, affecting memory and emotion regulation.

Adrenaline Overload: Elevated adrenaline and noradrenaline increase heart rate and agitation, while reducing attention span.

Dysregulated Stress Response: Over time, the body may attempt to adapt by decreasing arousal receptors, leading to an impaired or dysfunctional stress response system.

Prenatal/Infant Impact: Maternal stress from intimate partner violence (IPV) can reduce the enzyme (11beta-hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase type 2) that protects the fetus, resulting in higher fetal cortisol exposure and a larger, slower-to-recover cortisol response in infants.

Physiological Changes: These alterations are linked to higher rates of physical health problems in adulthood, including poor immune function. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Long-Term Behavioral/Physical Consequences:

Developmental Disruptions: Children may experience regression, such as loss of toilet training, sleep disturbances, and nightmares.

Behavioral Issues: Chronic stress presents as irritability, withdrawal, over-compliance, or aggression.

Cognitive Delays: Executive functioning, self-regulation, and language development may be impaired. 

PubMed Central (PMC) (.gov)

Need for Support:

Early intervention and a supportive, stable environment are crucial to mitigating these biological changes and fostering resilience. 

YouTube" (Source).

Aristotle's EUDAIMONIA for Prevention of Domestic Violence!

THIS IS A DRAFT POST.  PLEASE DO NOT COPY, PRINT or DISTRIBUTE.

What Is (or Was) Aristotle's Eudaimonia?

  "Eudaimonia is the Aristotelian concept of human flourishing, a life lived in accordance with virtue and reason, representing the highest human good."

  "Eudaimonia, often translated as "happiness," is more accurately understood as human flourishing or living well, rather than a temporary state of pleasure or contentment (Britannica),. In Aristotle’s philosophy, it is the ultimate goal of human life, desirable for its own sake, and achieved through the good performance of the characteristic function of humans, which is rational activity in accordance with virtue (Britannica),. This involves cultivating moral and intellectual virtues, making ethical choices, and striving for excellence in all aspects of life" (Berkeley Wellbeing) (Britannica) (Source).

  "Eudaimonia is not merely subjective happiness or pleasure; it is the objective result of living a life in accordance with virtue and reason."  (Source.) 

https://youtu.be/Pn-x_cv55_Y?si=llrghd6GMgZJgc_X

  So, How do we get there??? -- To Eudaimonia...

 "Aristotle’s rules for an ethical life (eudaimonia) focus on virtue, habituation, and acting as a rational agent to achieve human flourishing. He emphasizes finding the "Golden Mean" between extremes of deficiency and excess in actions, cultivating intellectual/moral virtues, maintaining meaningful relationships, and exercising reason to guide choices."  (Source).

"Core Rules for Ethical Living

The Golden Mean: Act ethically by finding the balance between excess and deficiency. For instance, courage is the mean between cowardice (deficiency) and rashness (excess).

Habituation of Virtue: Virtue is not innate; it is developed through practice. One becomes virtuous by performing virtuous actions repeatedly until they become a habit, forming a strong character.

Acting with Reason: Ethical behavior requires deliberation and intentional choices rather than acting solely on passion or emotion.

Purposeful Action (Telos): Every act should aim at a "good," ultimately aimed at eudaimonia, which is defined as flourishing, or living and doing well.

Cultivating Relationships: Friendship and social engagement are vital components of a fulfilling, ethical life." (The Philosophy Teaching Library) (Source).

https://youtu.be/AACj96mvSbo?si=g97JCNzgyzDZrUrZ

"Applying Aristotle to a Virtual Life 

Digital Mean: Practice moderation in online habits. Avoid the extreme of digital addiction (excess) and social media avoidance (deficiency), finding a balance that supports personal growth.

Virtuous Digital Character: Ensure online actions reflect real-world virtues like honesty and courage rather than acting recklessly or cowardly due to digital anonymity.

Purposeful Engagement: Use virtual tools to pursue knowledge, meaningful connections, and personal development rather than merely for trivial consumption or idle distractions.

Ethical Moderation: Control digital impulses and emotions (anger, craving for validation) to maintain mental stability and rational decision-making."  (Philosophy Break) (Source).

VIDEO -- EUDAIMONIA

https://youtu.be/1ol6i1BotkM?si=uOpjsPmo1sX5Hfat

"Maintaining Eudaimonia (Flourishing) 

Lifelong Practice: Eudaimonia is not a temporary state but a lifelong pursuit, requiring continuous, habitual engagement in virtuous activities.

Rational Reflection: Regularly evaluate one’s actions and motivations through reflection to ensure they align with high ethical standards and one's ultimate goals.

Balance of Goods: While virtue is paramount, acknowledge that a good life also requires sufficient resources and external goods (health, friends).  (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)."  (https://share.google/aimode/VzAMr81oBck2jp7qJ ). 

Discussion Questions: 

  So when looking at The Concept of ETHICAL LIVING How might ETHICAL LIVING help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  So when looking at the idea of Living an Ethical Virtual Life; How might LIVING An ETHICAL VIRTUAL LIFE help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  So when looking at the concept of EUDAIMONIA How might Eudaimonia help us have relationships without Domestic Violence?

  How might EUDAIMONIA help us have healthier relationships?