Dr. B's DV Prevention & Education Blog: Being Fully Responsible or Being In Denial: Which Works Better for Me?

Consider this Proposition: Denial can be like a Rattle Snake... It may be nearby... it may even rattle a bit to try and remind me of its presence.... I might even hear it. But if I am not real careful around it; I might get bit!

Question: Can one Be Responsible and be in Denial at the same time? When it comes to a DV Offense this may be a possibility. Surely, I could be in Denial about how dangerous my relationship is; while simultaneously I could feel Responsible for all of the problems in my relationship.

Nonetheless, when it comes to DV Offender Treatment in Colorado, we are required to accept FULL Responsibility for our part of the situation that constitutes the DV Offense. And while doing so, we are also to learn that the quickest way to Responsibility might be a refusal to be in Denial any longer.

The Domestic Violence Offender Management Board (D-V.O.M.B.) takes issue with the idea of Denial. They do this so much so that they put it in their "Core Competencies for DV Treatment", under Item "F. Responsibility"

The Colorado Domestic Violence Offender Management Board requires that all persons who have a DV Offense and who are in treatment must do the following in order to Successfully Complete DV Treatment:

"1. Accept full responsibility for the offense and abusive history;
2. Disclose the history of physical and psychological abuse toward the victim(s) and children;

3. Overcome the denial and minimization that accompany abusive behavior;
4. Make increasing disclosures over time;
5. Accept responsibility for the impact of one’s abusive behavior on secondary victims, tertiary victims and the community; and

6. Recognize that abusive behavior is unacceptable (abuse wrong -- no excuses or justifications -- no blaming)."

"Responsibility and Denial".

Responsibility can be defined by Merriam Webster.com as:

"1. the quality or state of being responsible: such as.
a : moral, legal, or mental accountability.
b : reliability, trustworthiness. Or
2. something for which one is responsible."

And Denial can be defined as:

“The action of declaring something to be untrue. Or a statement that something is not true.” (Oxford Languages). Or
On the other hand and in closer relation to the type of Denial we are discussing here: In Psychology, Denial can be defined as: “a defense mechanism proposed by Anna Freud which involves a refusal to accept reality, thus blocking external events from awareness. If a situation is just too much to handle, the person may respond by refusing to perceive it or by denying that it exist.” (Source).

Can you see how these two terms -- Responsibility and Denial tend to work against each other? If I have Denial, it could be that taking Responsibility can be real close to impossible!

It Truly Is Important to GET OUT OF DENIAL; Right???

Regardless of whether I am Guilty or Innocent of the Charges to which I plead; at this point -- Denial only holds me back. It kind of shapes and molds the way I see things as well as the way I understand them.

No matter whether or not I did or did not do what I was accused of doing; the fact is that I took a plea and thus I am here in this DV Treatment right now -- Today -- and the Mission of this Program is to help me prevent any more DV in my life; so that I can have a more fulfilling life and happier and healthier relationships in which DV is never an option.

Denial Is A Relatively Normal Process:

Note: Defense Mechanisms are things that our mind automatically does sometimes in order to protect our Ego's and/or the wellbeing of our mind and/or our Self Concept.

For example, Denial can be the first Stage in the Process of Grieving regarding Death and Dying.

Denial is frequently an involuntary process that kind of serves to protect us from extreme shock or sorrow or loss or grief. "In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described five common stages of grief, popularly referred to as "DABDA". They include: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance.

This model is the most common model used around Grief and the Grieving Process" (Source).

In other words, Denial is essentially a natural part of Human functioning.
Sometimes denial just happens when we are starting to feel embarrassed or ashamed or sad or excited, in-love or even heart-broken...
Sometimes Denial just happens and it stays present sometimes until we are ready to deal with the reality of such changes... whether they are good changes or bad changes.

Think about it this way: Less denial probably leads us to being more in touch with reality; which in turn probably enables us to make better decisions and much better choices; and then probably helps us to make much better choices that get us moving in much more positive directions!

Hence, we probably ought to get rid of our Denial -- especially when it is Denial about how we might have created serious problems for someone else or even for ourselves. It's just that simple.

How Does Denial Start?

Denial can start as the Onset of a Shocking Reality such as a Death or a Break-up.
Denial can begin -- or set in -- or take hold -- and even stop -- at any time before, during or after a relationship. It just can...
Denial can be about a lot of things, such as:

-- This is love -- even though we are always breaking up...
-- This can't be love -- because no one could love me the way that this person does.
-- That's not abuse -- because I kind of deserved it.
-- I'm feeling insecure, therefore they must be cheating on me.

-- Denial just sets in and then I'm not thinking open-mindedly -- and the worst part of it is that we often don't even see it until we are deep in it... deep in denial.

But how do we get so deep into denial? Probably because sometimes it feels better than reality... It soothes our Ego during tragic times.
Hence, it is logical to assume that in many cases, Denial has a pay-off.

In other words -- albeit a destructive process on the whole -- Denial has its mostly temporary rewards...

How does Denial Seem to pay off?

Denial seems to Save our ego and our self-image from unsettling challenges like when we suddenly lose someone or something...
Denial seems to keep us from going stark-raving-MADDDDD!!!
Denial also seems to Protect our pride... -- So our pride can stay in tact while we prepare for reality...
Denial sometimes appears to Prevent embarrassment... at least until we get caught... or until we catch ourselves...
It seems to Help us Dodge consequences -- in our minds if no where else...
But the problems is that Denial also Hides the realities that we are not yet ready to face... And sometimes it does this automatically... imagine that.
It also allows us to substitute our Truths for facts -- or are those facts truly FACTS?...
Denial Numbs the pain of knowing what I did... or of what I failed to do.
Denial allows me to look past the pain that I caused so as to keep a clean conscience...
It Lets me move past it without getting real about what actually happened.
It makes it harder for me to truly understand how certain consequences are actually related to certain things that I did.
It might even Prevent me from learning the positive lessons that I could learn from this tragedy.
Sometimes, Denial Leads to false ideas about myself and about others.
Sadly, Denial often keeps me from having Empathy for other people.... including the Victim.
It keeps me from putting the proverbial shoe on the other foot... so that I cannot really see and feel what the other person is going through because of my words or actions....
We can even win Poker Games if our Denial is strong enough to hide our tells... (That might be one of the good things about Denial).

So How is Responsibility Different From Denial???

Think about it: In the Long Run, the Objective here is to be able to respond to all of the following questions in the affirmative. But it's okay if that is not very easy to do today. Just keep working on it:

Below are Questions about The idea of Responsibility in Relation to a DV Offense: (Consider each of the following items below within the Context of the Denial that accompanies abusive behavior):

Now think to yourself; Can I do each of these? Can I respond affirmatively to each one below.. If Asked the Question, Could I say "YES" to every one of these questions?

>>> Can I take Responsibility for my Offense?
>>> Can I take Responsibility for my History of Abusive Thinking and Behavior?
>>> If I feel inspired to do so, Can I Disclose the History of my Physical Abuse -- At least within the walls of this Group -- or to a close friend or even to a therapist. Maybe not today; but perhaps some other day. And that's okay?
>>> If I feel inspired to do so, Can I Disclose the History of my Psychological Abuse? How have my words and actions over time changed the ways that people have felt about themselves?
>>> Can I Overcome the Denial that accompanies my abusive behavior? (When might denial accompany my abusive behavior?)
>>> Can I Overcome the Minimization that is part of the Denial that accompanies my abusive behavior from time to time? What is Minimization?
>>> Can I Overcome the need to Blame of others -- especially everyone else but me -- that is part of the Denial that accompanies my abusive behavior?
>>> Can I Make increasing disclosures over time? Can I really talk about what happened and what I did? Or is it still too painful?

>>> What does it feel like when I get REAL about what happened?

>>> Can I Offer No excuses for the Offense?
>>> Can I Offer No justification for the Offense?
>>> Can I Offer No blame for the Offense? (And that includes myself... No need to blame myself. I just need to take Responsibility. There's a HUGE difference. In other words, this doesn't have to be a negative thing.)

>>> Can I Accept responsibility for the impact of my abusive behavior on the primary victim(s)?

>>> Can I Accept responsibility for the impact of my abusive behavior on secondary, victims? (Like friends and loved ones of the Victim who are impacted).
>>> Can I Accept responsibility for the impact of my abusive behavior on tertiary victims? (Like neighbors, friends, a former victim, police etc...).
>>> Can I Accept responsibility for the impact of my abusive behavior on the community? (Think about the costs!!!) (Have I really thought about how this might have cost others?).
>>> Can I Recognize that abusive behavior is unacceptable?

>>> Can I at least see the Facts of my own Thoughts and Behaviors for myself?

Question? Regarding this Offense:

At what point did I realize that I had totally messed up?

And what was it that made me realize it?

Some Ways to move past Denial according to the Mayo Clinic (Adapted by Dr. B for use in dealing with Denial related to DV-Type Thinking and Behavior):

“Honestly examine what you fear. (How does my fear keep me in denial of my DV?).

Think about the potential negative consequences of not taking action. (What does not taking action to change my DV-type thinking and behaviors look like?).

Allow yourself to express your fears and emotions. (Who can I talk with about my fears and my emotions about my DV Offense?).

Try to identify irrational beliefs about your situation. (What are the irrational beliefs that I still hold onto related to my DV Offense?).

Journal about your experience. (Do you journal about your DV-related thoughts, feelings, behaviors and impacts?).

Open up to a trusted friend or loved one. (Do I have a trusted friend or loved one with whom I can discuss my DV Offense?).

Participate in a support group. (Have I considered building up more supports to help me prevent DV-type thinking and DV-Type Behavior?).”

(Source.). (Comments in parentheses are adaptations from Dr. B.)

Video #1: "Denial: The Emotional Abuser's Game of Pretend." (See Video Here). Denial in Relationships can be very difficult to deal with -- when someone else is doing it. But perhaps even worse we are doing it; because we are not seeing what we are doing. And perhaps we are not even seeing or feeling the damage that is doing the other person, ourselves or to the relationship itself.

Video #2: Denial from a different perspective. "I broke my silence: My story of domestic violence" (See Video Here).

Remember: This is NOT about Blame, Shame or Guilt. This is NOT about making you or anyone else feel bad. This is a about healing. This is about preventing DV. And this is about having happier lives and healthier relationships.

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Note: If one truly wishes to complete her or her DV Treatment quickly and one is curious about just what exactly are the other items among the "Core Competencies for success in DV Offender Treatment", click HERE!!!

Notes: “According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the financial impact of domestic violence ranges from individual to societal. In fact, they say the lifetime economic cost associated with medical services, lost productivity from paid work, criminal justice, and other costs, was $3.6 trillion.” (Source). This does not include the costs of children who react to DV at home by doing awful things to themselves or to others as they grow up. This does not include the emotional costs.

Music:

Mercy Mercy Me (Marvin Gay)

Across the Universe (Beatles)

Right Place Wrong Time (Dr. John)

It's Alright Now (Free)

Maggie May (Rod Stewart)

(c. 2020, William T. Beverly).