"The Courage to Change the Things I Can" in order to Prevent Domestic Violence from Happening in my life... I am going to....

  Assumption: If I am here today because I got a charge related to Domestic Violence; then perhaps it is because I have some sort a glitch in my thinking, my communications and/or perceptions when it comes to relationships.  But if this glitch adjusted properly; I might be a lot less likely to have Domestic Violence in my life.  Hence, it could be a great time to consider some sort of change in my life -- A change in the way I handle things such that I don't end up in a similar situation again.  

  Actress Comedian Carol Burnett once said, "Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me."

  One good question to ponder at this time could be: Am I up for making some sort of a change in my life and the way I conduct myself while in relationships?    

  If so, then what about making a Commitment to elimination of abusive behavior?

  Admittedly, sometimes, we just cannot see to stop abusive behavior from happening, other times, we know that we can.  But what if it is me who is doing the abusing?  Or even worse, what if it is me who is accused of doing the abusive behavior?

  What can I do?  Take accountability for it; walk away; take a minute; stop and think about it; take nice deep breaths; get some help; and/or make a change: 

  According to AI: "The likelihood of reoffending for a misdemeanor domestic violence offender is high, with studies showing rates as high as 53.5% within a certain timeframe. Several factors increase this risk, including a history of prior offenses (especially serious ones) and substance abuse.

  Other studies indicate that one-third to over half of domestic violence offenders may be re-arrested for a new crime, though not always a violent one. 

  "These are results for what is the likelihood that a misdemeanor domestic violence offender will reoffend?  

   What might be some of the factors that increase the likelihood of reoffending:

Prior criminal history: offenders with previous criminal convictions are significantly more likely to reoffend.

Severity of prior convictions: A more serious prior conviction increases the likelihood of a new conviction.

Substance abuse: offenders who violate sobriety orders have a much higher likelihood of reoffending.

Age: Younger offenders have been found to have higher recidivism rates.

Number of prior arrests: The more an individual interacts with the criminal justice system, the more likely they are to have future contacts. 

 Other Important Considerations include:

Varying recidivism rates: Different studies report varying recidivism rates depending on the time period studied, the population, and the specific metrics used (e.g., new arrest vs. new conviction).

Type of offense: While some re-offenses are for violent crimes, others maybe for less serious offenses, such as probation violations.

Effectiveness of (DV Treatment) programs: The effectiveness of common court-mandated batterer intervention programs in reducing recidivism is debated, as some research suggests they do not significantly reduce re-offense rates or change attitudes about violence, though this area is still being researched" (Source).

 The bottom line is that many of us need to be open to making positive changes in our lives in order to avoid committing more domestic violence against the people who we say that we love.

 

Speaking of Change:

  Realistically, what percentage of people who have done abusive behavior in their past are willing and capable of making such a change? 

  Serenity is often thought to be a combination of accepting the things that I cannot change, I would like to be able to have the serenity to do this: 

     - having the courage to change the things that I can change, and 

     - having the wisdom to know the difference between things I can change and things         that I cannot change. 

  Rhetorical Question: Which among these is the most important then -- serenity, courage, or wisdom?  Or do we truly need all three of them?  They kind of work together to form one, though -- right?  If so, then we probably need all three.

  Now, think about a given relationship with potential for Domestic Violence; If having had a prior DV event -- and/or a prior DV Charge is a risk factor, can I change that risk factor?  Or is it permanent?  This is what is known as a static risk factor, because one cannot change the past.   

  However, one probably can change whether or not the potential still exists.  Or perhaps another way to look at it, is that one can probably change how high one's risk is for DV in the future.  For example, if alcohol is one's major risk factor, then one could possibly change his or her potential for DV by drinking or not drinking alcohol.

  What about making changes within a given relationship?  Could one make changes within the relationship that could possibly impact the future probability of having DV in that relationship?  Yes, possibly. However, it may require that both partners want to make a change.  

  However, if only one person needs to make the change, then it might only take one of the partners to make the changes.  But generally speaking, both partners might need to be involved in the change.  

  So what does it take to make these changes?   

• A curiosity about what needs to be changed.  
• (Being willing to ask the question.)
• A desire to make the change.
• Support to help one work through the change. 
• The knowledge and skills needed to get through the change.
• The right tools for the change (i.e., help from others, patience, commitment, and perhaps even courage...).

  In some cases, courage could be the main ingredient needed to make the right change.  But what makes courage.  What is courage Made of: 

  Well, Audre Lorde was known to have said, "When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid" (From Inspiring Quotes by Women). 

  Sounds like changes might require courage, wisdom and commitment.

  So what does courage really have to do with it? 

• Courage makes it easier to get through the good and the bad.
• Courage helps one know when one needs help.
• Courage helps one ask for help.
• Courage helps one honestly consider and even accept some of the critical ideas of others.
• It takes courage to really listen to oneself.
• It often takes courage to know the difference between the things I can change and the things I cannot change.
• It may take courage to change the things that I can change.  
• It could take courage to make the necessary and desired changes that will help one move forward: rather than backwards.
• It may take serenity to Accept things I cannot change.
• And it probably takes wisdom to know the difference between the things that I can change and the things I cannot change.

  

Things that one might have the courage to change could be related to:

• Quitting alcohol or drug use.
• How one handles their anger.
• One's attitude.
• One's peer group.
• How one thinks about certain things.
• How one reacts to certain things.
• How one feels about certain things.
• One's level of accountability.
• The degree to which one tries to blame others for their own problems and their own regrettable decisions and behaviors.
• One's behavior.  The courage to change how I act.
• What one does or does not do.

Think about it: What might each type of courage below look like as one considers making the changes that one could make in order to prevent any DV-type thinking, DV-type feeling or DV-type behavior in the future?

• Physical courage
• Social courage
• Moral courage
• Emotional courage
• Intellectual courage
• Spiritual courage

Discussion Questions: 

Question #1: In what was has your sense of courage helped you make changes that have helped you recover from having Domestic Violence in your life?

Question #2: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a victim?

Question #3: What is one enormous change that you feel like if you could make it -- it would go a long way towards helping you never again have any Domestic Violence in your life as a perpetrator?

Make an Emergency Toolkit in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  It is time to begin putting into practice some of the things we have learned in Domestic Violence Treatment.  Are you ready for this? 

   For people who take Domestic Violence seriously, an Emergency Toolkit can be a great tool for helping prevent another Domestic Violence Offense.  It's easy.  Its free.  And It works!

   This week, we are talking about how to make an emergency toolkit (physical or digital) that includes things you can easily do in order to prevent DV, avoid DV; or to de-escalate potential DV.

   Think about it: What types of things help you avoid DV?  

   Clearly patience is a virtue and is probably one of the best strategies to help avoid a crisis or DV; however, lots of us need more than just patience.

   When one starts having DV-Type thinking or DV-type feeling; it is time to reach for an Emergency Toolkit for prevention of Domestic Violence. 

   Sure, you might think this is silly.  But an Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit can mean the difference between a successful, happy and healthy relationship; and miserably failed relationship with the possibility of another DV charge.  So Ask yourself:

• Do I take Domestic Violence seriously?
• Do I want another Domestic Violence - related offense? 
• Am I NOW completely done with Domestic Violence in my life?
• Am I committed to preventing Domestic Violence in my life in the future?
• Am I ready to eliminate my Domestic Violence-type thinking?
• Am I ready to change my Domestic Violence-type feelings?
• Am I ready to find better, non-violent ways of preventing DV in my life?

Think about it.  What Would I Do To Avoid Another Domestic Violence Related Offense:

• What would I do if I think my partner is not being very responsible with money?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I was intoxicated and my partner physically attacks me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I feel that my partner is being an emotional bully to me?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner refuses to work outside of the home and yet the home is always a terrible mess?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner told me that I have a tendency to bully them or I am acting like a bully right NOW?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if my partner and I are having difficulties and I am confused over what to do because virtually everything -- every possible solution that I can think of seems to be abusive?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• What would I do if I heard that the Victim Advocate is trying to get in touch with the victim / who happens to be my partner?

• What would you say?  What would you do?

What Would You Do To Prevent Another DV Offense?

• Let's say, You were living with your child (age 7) and your partner refused to quit drinking or using drugs?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are pretty sure that your partner is having an affair with someone at work and your partner has left their cell phone on the dresser while they are in the shower?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, You are standing in the living room with your partner.  And your 5-year-old daughter is sitting on the couch watching cartoons.  Your partner starts an argument that is likely to get loud.  
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that s/he is leaving you and that s/he is taking the kids and that you will never see them again?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner’s ex calls to speak with him/her on the phone.  You rudely ask “why” and he/she says “It’s personal.”  (And they don’t even have kids together.)?
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Say you and your partner just had a really awful fight and there was disrespect as well as threats to leave.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

• Let's say, Your partner tells you that they have close friends of the opposite sex and they have no intention of dumping them.
• What would you say?  What would you do? 
  
  
• Let's say, Your partner is intoxicated and you have been arguing.  They take the keys and the baby and head toward the car saying they are leaving.
• What would you say?  What would you do?

  >>> What would you say or do?  What would I do if faced with this situation or a situation that is just as challenging.

  My theory is that DV trouble often happens due to a decision made at this point...  So what we want to do is figure out how to make a much better decision than I did when I got into trouble.  And that's not always easy.  But it's doable. 

  It starts with a willingness to think critically... to be willing to second-guess assumptions that one already has. <<<

Now -- Answer the question: Why do you think or feel that the solutions that you thought of here might be the best solution(s) for you at this time? 

• It goes deeper than just behavior though, right?
• It is more than just thoughts, right?
• It is also about feelings, right?   

         So, we put all that together... and that's what we are working on in order to prevent DV.  There's a lot to this.... Relationships are complicated aren't they?

 

The first step could be to learn about your DV Cues:

  DV Cues are feelings, thoughts, physical sensations, ideas, notions, inspirations and other influences that tell you that it is time to do something that could be considered Domestic Violence.  

  Remember:

>>> DV Cues can be Dangerous!!!  -- Very Dangerous -- Especially if ignored!

• How do I know when I am in Danger of DV Happening?  
• Ask Yourself: What are my DV Cues?

• But YOU CAN STOP YOUR DV CUES from getting you into trouble. 
• The First Step is to figure out what your DV CUES are.  (So what are some of your DV Cues?)

A DV Prevention Emergency Toolkit is an Excellent Compliment to Understanding Our DV Cues:

  What is in a DV Emergency Toolkit?  You tell me: What are some things that can help you prevent DV in your life -- besides making really good choices about who you are going to be with?  Sure, we all have frustrations; but sometimes we tend to blow them up -- way out of proportion.  Then we get into trouble.  And at those times, we also tend to NOT think very clearly.  

  This Toolkit is about reminding ourselves about what to do in such times, so that we do not end up blowing things way out of proportion.

  A Domestic Violence Prevention Emergency Toolkit is something that you put together in order to help you STOP your DV-Type Feeling and DV-Type Thinking.  And this will be in order to avoid DV-Type Behaviors.  

  And the Best time to stop it is before it starts.  

  But if it starts, that's also a great time to stop it.  

  A good DV Emergency Toolkit might start with a list -- Like a LIST of Ideas, Things and Supports that help you avoid DV.  

  What are some behaviors or preventive techniques you can use to STOP DV when you think or feel it's about to happen?  

  These things might include the following:

• Be very careful who you are involved with.

• Find ways to Reduce your own stress level. without alcohol or other substances.

• Take a Time out.

• Stay sober.  (We know that alcohol and drugs can increase the possibility of DV -- as well as the possibility of getting arrested should a confrontation happen.)

• Learn how to use Stop breathe and focus.

• Be Creative (Draw a picture, write a poem, take a photo / edit a photo, hum a tune... especially a new tune that you are making up as you go...).

• Practice your Anger Management Skills.

• Do deep breathing exercises -- Mediate if helps you think more clearly.

• Study the Possible Risk Factors for Domestic Violence.   Learn what your risk factors are for DV.  Reverse your Risk Factors for Recidivism (in order to reduce your risk of Re-Offense).

• Go to work.  Get a job... Or at least go and do some volunteer work.  Stay productive.  Stay busy.

• Be nice to EVERYONE you meet --- on purpose.  Watch their reactions.  Let it nourish  your soul.

• Research about the Importance of Trust in Relationships.  Are you really TRUSTING  your partner?  Are they really trusting you?  Make a list of reasons why you could trust your partner.  Make a list of reasons why your partner should trust you. 

• Go shoot some baskets, volleyball, tennis or some other sport, work out, and walk around the park.

• Take one day at a time.  Try to let tomorrow alone for a while.

• Let go of things you cannot control.  Just try to let them go!

• Consider the potential victim's rights.  -- Think before you act.

• Practice your Right to remain silent; especially if your silence is not hurtful to your partner. 

• Try to be Helpful to your partner.

• Separate from your partner for the day.  You don't even have to tell them you are doing this.  Just take a day to yourself.

• Get Couples counseling (If this is currently permitted for you.  Current DV Offenders in DV Treatment are not allowed to do this per the D.V.O.M.B.)

• Do good things for the kids, the old folks or the infirmed people in your community.

• Promise yourself to never be violent.

• Watercolor.  Color outside the lines ON PURPOSE.

• Study up on the Philosophy of Nonviolence (Read MLK, Gandhi, Cesar Chavez, The Bible, The Gita, The Torah, The Koran).

• Choose equality (compromise and harmony) over power and control (abuse).  Learn about both and start identifying where both appear in your life.

• Commit to Accountability.  Commit to being Accountable (commit to being responsible for thoughts emotions or feelings).

• Keep in mind; It may be Better to separate briefly, now; than to do so permanently later.

• Let it go.  Turn it over to a higher power.  Pray if it works for you or makes you feel better.  Or take some quiet time to yourself.  

• Focus on controlling yourself rather than controlling your partner.

• Catch yourself... and then stop monitoring your partner (never look at her/his phone, her/his private journals, or her/his private belongings).  Never spy on your partner.  Just don't do it.

• Learn about what LOVE really is.  Look it up.  Google "LOVE".  Review your feelings about what Love Is after you read about it.  Now that you know what Love is; Try to figure out: Do you really LOVE this person?  (Are you sure..... Is this really love?)

• Listen to some music; or play some music.  (Sometimes, music without words is best in that it might help one think peaceful thoughts.)

• Do an Art Project to relieve Stress.  Do some finger-painting.

• Do some grounding exercises.  Google: Grounding exercises!

• Try to view your situation through your partner's eyes.  If you were her or him, what would you want you to do at this point in time?

• Try to view your situation through your children's eyes.  If you were them, what would you want you to do at this point?

• Learn that if you are in a healthy relationship, you don't ever NEED to prove that you are right when it comes to your partner.

• Try to stop making assumptions.  Stick to what you know.  Learn the FACTS.

• Quit interrogating your partner about where she or he was, where he has been or who else was there.  Remember: Jealousy can destroy an otherwise promising relationship.

• Quit judging your partner.  

• Learn about what Intimacy really is.  int: it's not always about sex.  Think along the  lines of a sense of equality, trust, respect, altruism, humanism, and fairness... etc..

• Write a poem or write a song.

• Put things into perspective.  Get professional help -- Call someone who can help you.

• Remember: You can eventually attract more flies with honey than with vinegar -- if you  want flies.  So Be NICE to everyone!  No, this does not mean you should return to a your partner while they are being abusive to you.

• Realize that While you MUST NEVER try and control your partner; you do need to  control yourself.  You should try to control yourself enough to keep from causing harm to others or to yourself.

• Study up on what being Psychologically "Healthy" looks like.  Are you in touch with your emotions?  How do you really feel?  Spend some time figuring that out. 

• Let go and let your higher power or God or Allah or the Lord Buddha do whatever needs to be done.

• Never fight.  (Once you disrespect your partner; You are fighting) -- Never call her or him names.

• Learn how to Apologize with Sincerity -- and then follow it through.

• Do not speak to your kids about problems with your partner.

• Practice ways to De-Escalate a heated argument.  Remember to sit down.  Be quiet.     And listen carefully.  But never sit there and abuse them or be abused by them.

• Accept that our lives as humans are constantly changing.  And that we cannot (and in   some cases, should not) try to control the changes but so much.  Study the phenomenon of CHANGE.

• Encourage your partner to think for themself.  Respect his or her reality.  Value   her / his   point of view -- especially if it's different from yours'.  

• Avoid catastrophizing the situation by threatening to break-up.  Do not threaten to leave or to do harm to yourself or to anyone else.  If you want to leave, then do it.  But don’t force yourself to do it today.  Don’t do it when you are angry.

• Take a Walk.  Walk your pet(s).  Walk around with your kid(s).  Walk alone.

• Go fishing.  Go birding.

• Go to a self-help meeting if there is one that is available and covers what you need.  Try Codependents Anonymous, or Alanon, or ACOA, or AA or NA.. Or Sex Addicts Anonymous, or Over-Eaters Anonymous.  They're available on the Internet too.  Try Googling them.

• Build something.  Fix something.  Make something.  Create something with your hands.

• Do something that makes you feel whole and confident. 

• Remember, it's never too late to learn new coping skills for preventing negative moments in a relationship. 

• Plant a garden.

• Above all, promise yourself that you will be RESPECTFUL to EVERYONE the whole time -- No matter how angry you feel.

• Send yourself a text or an email with a list of ways you can prevent DV in your life.

• Be open to making good changes in your life.

• Be open to making healthy changes to how you think about things, how you feel about things, and how you do things... 

• Always be willing to learn something new that could help improve your life and/or your relationships.

• And finally, be PATIENT. 

BEST ANSWER:  SERENITY -- 

• Accept the things that you cannot change.  
• (In time) change the things that you can.  
• And strive to know the difference between what you can change and you cannot change.

*** Please Click Here to Complete 

your Emergency DV Prevention Toolkit Worksheet. ***

(Originally Posted 8/2/2021)

Sources: 

 -- Many Sources are cited above.  Please press the HyperLinks to see the Sources.

(Originally posted, 11/26/2020)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).