Natural Law And Family Violence: A Proposal for Prevention of Domestic Violence

What is Natural Law and 

  What does Natural Law have to do with Family Violence?

  Philosophers, Physicians, Politicians, Warriors, Planners, Theologians and other Leaders discovered (or realized) the concept of Natural Law a very long time ago.

  It seems that one way to put it is that the Natural Law of Human Kind is to Survive and Grow through many different and perhaps even difficult circumstances over time from generation to generation.

  Another part of Natural Law includes the idea of helping others to Survive and nurturing their Growth as well.  

  Natural Law is largely about the following values / virtues being shared among Humans.  These include: Respect, Honesty, Trust, Altruism, Survivorship, Service to Selves, Service to Others and Service to our Communities, Stamina, Love, Forgiveness, Acceptance, Strength, Fortitude, Character , Sacrifice for the greater good, Humility, Hope, Charity, Faithfulness and other qualities as well.

  "Natural law is an ethical theory that claims that humans are born with a certain moral compass that guides behaviors. These inherited rules essentially distinguish the "rights" and "wrongs" in life. Under natural law, everyone is afforded the same rights, such as the right to live and the right to happiness" (Source).

  Simply put: Dr. B. Proposes that Family Violence (DV, Child Abuse, Animal Abuse and Neglect are Unnatural.)  Hence, if we follow Natural Law, then we will not be committing Domestic Violence.

  Some say that Natural Law is about Discovering Right versus Wrong, instead of Inventing what is Right versus What is Wrong.  What's the difference?  We are thought to have essentially been born with the potential to develop wisdom to know Good from Evil.  We Discover these things as we grow.  However, we do not Invent Good or Evil.

  Although our Basic Rights are set forth in the Declaration of Independence, The Constitution and the Bill of Rights were clearly written by men and women who were inspired by Natural Law; Natural law should not be confused with American law, religious law, scientific laws, or the laws of the jungle.   

  In a way, In the USA, Our Rights come from Natural Law.  And Our Laws come from our Rights.  Natural Law has been a significant part of the USA since the beginning.

  Throughout Humanity for millennia, we as Humans have probably felt commanded by our conscience to do not harm... and to care for the young, the poor, the sick, the disabled, and the frail elderly as well.

  Theoretically, Natural Law assumes we all have a sense of morality (eg., A sense of what is Right and what is Wrong) from what all humans have in common.

  For example, Victor Frankel, a Concentration Camp Survivor postulated that Natural law inspires us to have Meaning and Purpose...  Natural law will remind us that we -- as Human Beings -- have a purpose (Source).

  Further, Natural Law suggests that we are all following our higher nature when we follow natural law.  "Natural Law theory posits that by adhering to its principles, humans are essentially acting in accordance with their inherent, "higher" nature, which is understood as a set of universal moral values accessible through reason and embedded within human beings themselves" (Source).   

  One might assume from that that we all have Good Nature.  And that we are all capable of being "Good Natured."  

  "Good-natured" means having or showing a pleasant, kindly disposition, and can also imply cheerfulness or helpfulness. Good-natured people are often characterized by being patient, tolerant, and forgiving, and are not easily angered or frustrated. They are also often described as being "laid-back" (Source).

  In Nature, humans share a great deal: We all drink water, We all have desires, We all have a drive to survive and for the most part, we all have hope.  Under almost any circumstance; whether conscious, unconscious, infant or elderly frail, every human being seems to have a will to try and survive whether it's by simply breathing and taking in fluids or actively feasting at the banquet of life.

NATURAL LAW AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

  Today's discussion is about the comparison of modern day domestic violence related thought and an ancient concept known to human beings as "natural law."

  Natural law is largely about human beings reaching there positive potential and about human beings enabling themselves and each other to reach their highest possible level of achievement, happiness, contentment; all the things that they would reach naturally were they not impeded by all the negative energy that exists between people and in far too many so-called relationships.

  If domestic violence includes physical, emotional, verbal, social, digital, sexual, and economic violence towards one person from another then please tell me what types of domestic violence conform with natural law?

  

  Is it natural for two adult human beings who say they love each other to cut each other down, to call each other names, to lie to each other, to spy on each other, to cheat each other out of possessions and time, or to put each other down, to talk badly about each other, to make each other feel bad with guilt over things nobody could help or prevent, to dominate each other, or to be manipulative and passively aggressively hurtful to each other?

  Is it natural for two human beings to want to make each other cry, to want to hurt each other, and want to put each other in a position where they have pain?

  Is it natural for two adults who claim to be a couple, to lie to each other, to mistrust each other, to trick each other, to prevent each other from having things that each other likes and wants, to be envious of each other, or to hold resentment toward each other?

  Finally, is it natural for two human beings to hit each other, to want to beat each other physically, to physically intimidate each other, to embarrass each other, to physically dominate each other, too want to kill each other, to rape each other, to keep each other's children away from the other, or to talk badly about each other to other people including to the children?  

  Is any of this Natural?

  The evidence that these behaviors (above) go against Natural Law is in the answer to the following question(s)? 

• How do any of these behaviors (above) help anyone involved feel better about themselves?
• How do any of these behaviors (above) help improve the lives of anyone involved? 
• How did any of the behaviors (above) help our children to grow up to be healthier and happier?
• How do any of the behaviors (above) make our physical, emotional, economic or social habitat any better?
• How did any of these behaviors (above) help improve the Human Condition?

 So, if we are NOT supposed to do the Bad things; What are the Good Things:

  In short: Prevention of all Family Violence (or Domestic Violence) is an essential task in Human Nature.  Why?  Because the more DV there is; the more likely people will lives shorter, more miserable, less productive and less fulfilling lives.  The more DV there is; the less likely people will make a positive difference in their own lives, their families, the communities and Society as a whole.  Finally, the more DV there is, the more likely the Violence and Disrespect will continue from generation to generation until it infects all of Humanity and creates a Violent World where Safety simply does not exist anywhere.

  St. Thomas Aquinas wrote: "The master principle of natural law, was that "good is to be done and pursued and evil avoided." Aquinas stated that reason reveals particular natural laws that are good for humans such as self-preservation, marriage and family, and the desire to know God" (Or a Higher Power whether it be Spiritual or Rational in Nature).

  Some basic goods according to Natural Law include items such as life and health, knowledge, work and play, the appreciation of beauty, friendship, and religion.

  "For Finnis, there are seven basic goods; life, knowledge, sociability of friendship, play, aesthetic experience, practical reasonableness and religion. Life involves all aspects of vitality that enable a person to gain strong willpower." (Source).

  "In natural law, a good person does what they think will bring them good and avoid what they think is bad. This is a basic tenant of natural law, as articulated by Thomas Aquinas, who believed that what is good and evil is derived from human reason." (Source).

  "According to the natural law theory, what makes someone a good person is their ability to fulfill their true nature and obey moral laws derived from nature or God's commands." (Source).

  On the other hand, AI says: "According to natural law theory, a good person is someone who fulfills their true nature by acting in accordance with the inherent moral principles embedded within human nature, not simply by obeying the laws of the land, as the "true nature" aspect is considered more fundamental to the theory" (Source).

Follow the attached Audio/Video for more about Natural Law:  

Audio on an Introduction to Natural Law from the The Thomistic Institute: "Does Nature Make Laws?  An Introduction to the Natural Law Tradition."

Video on Natural Law Theory: Crash Course in Philosophy.

What Happens When We Violate Someone Else's Rights?

  Think about it this way:  When a Person is Arrested for Allegedly Committing Domestic Violence; it is a Temporary Suspension of his or her Rights.  And the Allegation is that he or she has violated the Rights of his or her partner.  It's as simple as that.

We ALL Have Rights:

  Everyone in the United States of American has Rights.  
 But this brings up two important questions: 

1. Are my Rights Always Respected?  and,

2. Do I Always have to Respect the Rights of Everyone Else?

  But what are Rights anyway?  Now that I know I have some Rights, I might as well learn about what they are.
  One definition of Rights is as follows
"Rights are legal, social, or ethical principles of freedom or entitlement; that is, rights are the fundamental normative rules about what is allowed of people or owed to people according to some legal system, social convention, or ethical theory."

  When The United States of America was founded, the founders gave all of it's people certain Rights. (Note: However, all people in the U.S.A. did not their Rights respected for almost 100 years.  For examples, The Slaves did not have their Rights respected equally.  And even in 1960's, the decendents of Slaves and other African Americans were still asking that their Rights be respected because they were not always respected.  Further, Women in the U.S.A. did not have their Rights broadly respected for decades either.  For the most part.  In the beginning of the U.S.A., it was the Rights of wealthy Land Owners who's Rights were respected.

  Nonetheless, in 1776: 

  The U.S. Declaration of Independence stated the following, 

•   "We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that all Men (and including Women) are created equal, that they are endowed (for given) by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights (unalienable means, these Rights can never be taken away by another human being), that among these (Rights) are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness….” US Declaration of Independence.

  The Declaration of Independence was penned by Thomas Jefferson (a Virginian) with the learned direction of Benjamin Franklin (of Pennsylvania), and John Adams (of Massachusetts).  Each of these people -- along with a diverse group of many  other Colonists -- made tremendous contributions to the founding of the United States of America.

The Long Road to Truly Inclusive Independence:

  As mentioned above, the road to truly Independence required a few more steps -- such as those that explicitly recognized the Rights of People of Color and of Women.

  Almost 200 years later, it was reported that a learned Advocate for millions of oppressed people of color in the USA had informed the President of the United States of America that this Advocate (Dr. Martin Luther king) and the people he represented truly needed their Dignity and that they were hoping that this President could somehow help them attain it.

  This President did his best with Laws to help these people find their Dignity; however, there came a point where the Laws could only be as effective as the people themselves would allow them to be. 

  In other words, there came a point where these people needed to accept the Dignity that they already had and to make choices to do what they saw fit in order to pursue the happiness of which they had long dreamed.  The Road to Justice is often a very long journey. 

What is so Important about Dignity?

  One definition is that "Dignity is the right of a person to be valued and respected for their own sake, and to be treated ethically.  This is of significance in morality, ethics, law and politics as an extension of the Enlightenment-era concepts of inherent, inalienable rights" (Wikipedia).      

  Others have argued that in the U.S.A., dignity does not need to be given out -- nor is it able to be handed out from one person -- or a government -- to a given person.  However, a bad Government clearly can try to take away the dignity of the people.  We gave seen that over and over again throughout history.
  The Fact is that dignity is essentially covered by the above phrase of the Declaration of Independence.  And further, Dignity -- per the Declaration -- is such that every person is "created equal" and that every person is "are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights"; meaning that Dignity is something that is given to every person by their Creator (Whoever they view thier Creator or God to be) when they are created. 

 

  Further, it notes that these Rights (Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness) are unalienable -- meaning no one person or Government can take them away permanently without the proper legal process.

  Each person in the U.S.A. has a Right to live and to choose the path that she or he wants, and to pursue the happiness that she or he feels is on that path, as long has their journey does not in some way deprive another person of Life, Liberty or the Pursuit of Happiness.

Now, What do Rights Have To do With Domestic Violence?

  When it comes to trying to understand how one gets charged with Domestic Violence, it is very important to understand and accept that if we violate another person's Rights, we might be Charged and consequently arrested because of the possibility that We Have Violated that person's Rights.  
  Also to be considered are the manner in which we Violated their Rights, as well as Who's Right was Violated.  

  Theoretically, when ever someone is arrested, it should be because they have violated the Rights of someone else.

  Think about it:  

• What was your Charge?

• How does this relate to anyone's Rights?

• How was the Arrest itself related to your Rights?

  It's like this:  At the start of anything; Everyone involved has their Rights in-tact.

But then, say one person hits another person.  They they have just violentedly disrespected the Rights of the person that they hit.

  Then the Police come along and they Arrest the person who hit the other person.  And the person who was Arrested sees his or her own Rights suspented under an Emergency Custody Order (or an Arrest Warrent) until a Judge comes along and decides what to do about each person's Rights -- 

In Other Words, Think about it this way: What Rights?     

  Ideally, Everyone -- Every Single Person regardless of her or his Color, Ethnicity, Ability, Wealth, Public Position, Physical Ability, Gender, Employment Status, Self-Identification or their level of Education -- in the U.S.A. has a Right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

• What are our Rights to Life?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything or anyone who physically compromises his or her Life.  (This might include freedom Injury (physical or mental))

• What are our Rights to Liberty?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything that physically or mentally holds her or him back.  (This might include trying to keep him or her from walking away.  Might even include trying to keep her or him from advancing her or his education or training or career.)  You have the Right to do what you want to do with your life.  Just so in achieving this goal, you do not ever violate another person's Rights.

• What are our Rights to a Pursuit of Happiness?  Think about it:  
• What does this include? 
• Perhaps it includes Freedom from anything or anyone who tries to keep him or her from seeing another person in a Romantic sense.  (This might include keeping her or him from doing something that she or he feels could make her or him happy.  
• In pursuit of such Rights of the other person; An Officer of the Law could determine that it is a violation of Rights for yet another person to be stalking or threatening this person or her or his new lover.  
• This might even include when one's current partner tries to erase other peoples' (like other men's or other women's) names out of his or her phone in order to keep her or him from contacting another person that she or he has decided that he or she now likes (or even loves)).

• (Please Note: There are other explanations or descriptions for these Rights as well as well as other Rights to consider.  Please see other listings of Rights below)

And Keep In Mind That: 

  Whenever a person is arrested, and charged, this is because in the eyes of those who are administering the Law (Police and Prosecutors), the reason for the Arrest and/or Charge is because the person who was arrested (The Subject) was Arrested because he or she allegedly violated the Rights of another person. 

  The Charge Sheet should list specific Codes from the Law that were allegedly violated.  And each one of those Codes in the Law is supposed to be directly tied or at least backed up by or even jive with those Basic Rights as Listed Above -- the Rights to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

  Additionally consider that one might get a separate Charge for each Right that one Violates as well as each time one Violates another person's particular Rights.

Rights in the Home:

  Also, one should try and remember that you and your partner each have Equal Rights.  Neither of you has more or fewer Rights than the other -- regardless of Religion, Sex, Race, Color, Ethnicity, Class, Socioeconomic Status, Gender, Addiction, Education Level, Physical Size, Income Level, or Moral Standing, or any other characteristic.

  Finally, many Americans used to think that inside of their homes, they had special Rights.  And perhaps we do.  However, we still must always respect the Rights of everyone else whether they are inside of our homes or not.

 

Under What Circumstances May I Violate Someone Else's Rights?  

• Truly, probably NEVER, except when it is in an effort to save a life; and that is very rare.  Keep in mind that the argument of "Self Defense" really must have with it proof that one person is being attacked in a potentially very harmful way; one has no other way to avoid the situation, and one only uses enough force to stop the attack.  

What if My Rights Were also Violated?  

  The Police (and hence, the Courts) typically separate physically, and on paper, the alleged Offender from the alleged Victim.  In other words, if you are an alleged Offender in their eyes; it is difficult to get those same police in that situation to charge the other person with something.

Who Has Rights?

  In short, everyone in the U.S.A. has Rights.  There is some argument regarding this -- particularly in relation to Illegal Immigrants or Undocumented Immigrants; however, according to the U.S. Constitution, 14th Amendment, Section 1., it says,

•   "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside. No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or imunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any state deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws." (U.S. Constitution).

Can One Lose His or Her Rights?

  When someone violates another person's Rights, or there is probable cause to suspect that they have violated another person's Rights; some of the alleged violator's Rights (i.e., Liberty) might be suspended temporarily by Police, a Judge, or a Magistrate.  This is what happens when one is arrested. 
  However, these rights must be reinstated within a certain amount of time; unless the situation is reviewed by a certain type of Judge or Magistrate, who then chooses to extend this suspension (And/or put bail on it).
  Or, a person's Rights, (say to Liberty) can be suspended temporarily by a Doctor in an Emergency, who can temporarily suspend Rights in order to save a Life.
  In order to actually lose a Right; one must either sign it away, and/or a Judge must decide that it is appropriate that this person lose that particular Right.
  In order to involuntarily lose a Right (often temporarily); it is usually being temporarily suspended or taken away by Police, Judge, Doctor or other Constitutional Officer.  Essentially if there are conditions when one is believed to present an imminent danger to one's self; or to another person; or has just violated another person's Rights, she or he might be subject to Arrest, Investigation, and Prosecution.

Given that Everyone Has Rights....  It's Like One has a Right to Say almost anything they want to say to another person; but the other person has a Right to walk away and not listen.

• So consider this: I have a Right, so does that mean I should always exercise it?

  Additional Conversation on this can be had related to Dignity and Personal Agency, and exercise thereof. 

Legal Rights versus Moral Rights:

  Finally, Legal Rights and being Morally Right are two different things.  The first (Legal Rights) are explicitly covered in the Laws of the Land.  However Morality is NOT the same as Law or Legal Rights, but: “Morality is the set of standards that dictate what is right and wrong in terms of behavior and beliefs.”  

  Think about it: How are these two things the same; and how are they different?  

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FOOTNOTES:

Background and Source Material:

Bill of Rights -  The Really Brief Version: The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution are summarized below.  Basically, there are 10 Constitutional rights that Every American has?

1              Freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly, and petition.
2              Right to keep and bear arms in order to maintain a well regulated militia.
3              No quartering of soldiers.
4.              Freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures.
5              Right to due process of law, freedom from self-incrimination, double jeopardy.
6              Rights of accused persons, e.g., right to a speedy and public trial.
7              Right of trial by jury in civil cases.
8              Freedom from excessive bail, cruel and unusual punishments.
9              Other rights of the people. 

10           Powers reserved to the states.

      One should also note that there are other Rights not included in the above list.

The Most Basic Understanding of U.S. Rights (If you are interested?):
  Every American automatically has RIghts that include: Natural rights (or Moral Rights) and legal rights.  There are two types of rights. 

• Natural rights are those that are not dependent on the laws or customs of any particular culture or government, and so are universal and inalienable (they cannot be repealed by human laws, though one can forfeit their enjoyment through one's actions, such as by violating someone else's rights). 
• Legal rights are those bestowed onto a person by a given legal system (they can be modified, repealed, and restrained by human laws)." (According to this Wikipedia Source).

  These most basic (or Natural / Moral) Rights that every American has include our Rights to: "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness", as Thomas Jefferson wrote in the United States Declaration of Independence.^[1] The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says have been given to all humans by their creator, and which governments are created to protect." (According to Wikepidia)
  It is also VERY Important that Every American Understand that he (himself) and/or she (herself) has Rights that are inalienable --
"Inalienable" means: "Inalienable right refers to rights that cannot be surrendered, sold or transferred to someone else, especially a natural right such as the right to own property. However, these rights can be transferred with the consent of the person possessing those rights." (According to this Legal Definition).

""Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness" is a well-known phrase in the United States Declaration of Independence. The phrase gives three examples of the "unalienable rights" which the Declaration says have been given to all humans by their creator, and which governments are created to protect." (According to the related Wikipedia Source here.)

Another way to Look at is is that we each have our Right to the following:
Our Right to self-determination.
Our Right To liberty.
Our Right to due process of law.
Our Right to freedom of movement.
Our Right to privacy.
Our Right to freedom of thought.
Our Right to freedom of religion.
Our Right to freedom of expression.

Read about The Bill of Rights by clicking here.

For children it is slightly different; but essentially the same.

Know Your Rights

(Originally Posted, 6/16/2020.)

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

My Domestic Violence Treatment Check-In & Check-Up

   It is important for everyone to know that in order to successfully complete Domestic Violence Offender Treatment, he or she must demonstrate Progress in terms of the Process Itself as well as the Outcome.

  In other words: in order to get a point where a person can be considered for Successful Discharge from DV Treatment, he or she must use the Process and Related Tools here (as noted below), to show that they are taking this Treatment seriously, they are doing the best they can to get the most out of it, and that they are consistently making Positive Changes that will increase the likelihood that they will never again have DV-Related Problems in a Relationship; much less, DV-Related Charges.

DV Treatment Check-Up:

  How am I doing in DV Treatment?  The following is a list of indicators that a person is on course for eventually successfully completing DV Treatment.  

  The following is a general list of what is expected of a person who is to Successfully Complete DV Treatment:

• No new offenses (DV or other types of Offenses as well).
• No new Restraining Order or Protection Order Violations.
• 100% Sobriety.  100% Compliance with Testing.  And / Or in Treatment for Substance Use.
• Meeting All Requirements for Second Clinical Contacts.
• Meeting General Objectives of DV Treatment.
• Meeting Client-Specific Goals for DV Treatment.
• Consistently Paying for Treatment.
• Demonstrating Significant Changes indicative of prevention of DV in the future.

  Here are some very basic parts of DV Treatment that MUST be accomplished in order for anyone to successfully complete.  Please ask yourself the following:

• Have I completed all Intake / Evaluation Interviews with Dr. B or other DV Counselor?
• Have I completed, signed and returned all paperwork that was sent to me by Dr. Beverly?
• Have I started to Identify my Risk Factors?
• Have I been attending Sessions with either Dr. B. or my DV Counselor every week?  
• Have I missed any weekly Sessions?  (Must not miss more than 2).
• Have I completed an Absence Attestation for every Session or Week that I have missed?
• Have I completed Extra Credit / Make-Up Assignments for every Absence?
• Have I completed every one of the Topic Worksheets that accompanies the Lesson each week (on the Blog)?
• Have I completed a Weekly Session Feedback form for every Weekly Session?
• Have I completed a Treatment Plan and/or a Treatment Plan Review every 2-to-3 Months while in Treatment?
• Have I completed another Personal Change Plan Draft for every 3 Months in Treatment?
• Have I completed an Aftercare Plan Draft for every few months?
• Have I been paying my DV Treatment Session Fees every week?  If not, am I aware of the Balance of my IOU?  Am I making payments on my IOU every week?

Please DO ALL 4 of the Worksheets Below:

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE Another     

RISK FACTOR IDENTIFICATION WORKSHEET!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE                      

        Another PERSONAL CHANGE PLAN!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE            
           Another TREATMENT PLAN!!! *** 

  *** CLICK HERE TO COMPLETE         

        Another AFTERCARE PLAN!!! *** 

and

Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.

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Learning How To Argue In A Healthy Way for Healthier and Happier Relationships

  First: Think about the Historical use of Argument.  Arguments actually do a lot of good; but productive arguments are not always done the way that many of us think arguments should be done.  For one, think of all the comforts and the things that we would not have as a Human Civilization today if not for Arguments.  We have all benefited from Arguments; we just may not know it yet?

  Some of the greatest arguers ever known to humankind have names that we have heard before: Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Galileo, Da Vinci, Copernicus, Thomas Paine or even Freud?

• For Example: Some professionals argue for a living.

• Philosophers ( such as those named above) -- Essentially invented argument.  Philosophers such Aristotle essentially invented things such as parts of the Scientific Method, as well as certain Methods for Argument about Right and Wrong (Ethics or Moral Philosophy) or Logic.
• 
  
• Attorneys / Lawyers argue for a living (like in Court) -- while Judges settle Arguments.  In the U.S.A., Court is one place where people argue for a living.
• 
  
• Teachers and (more so) Professors try to teach people how to Argue.  And many Professors are actually Professional Arguers as well... such as in the use the what's called the Socratic Method.
• 
  
• Scientists present their findings of Research and other Researchers or Scientists or even Scholars argue for or against the validity of their findings.  In other words sometimes we come up with better solutions because we argue about our results or our research until we are enlightened by new information or by new ways of thinking.   
• 
  
• Politicians argue for what they think is right.  And they are often swayed by the arguments of Lobbyists and Advocates.
• 
  
• Authors who write Editorials or Op/Eds or Books or Popular Articles or even Scholarly Journal Articles often argue for a living as well.  They get paid to argue in writing.

• And Guess What Else?  All of these people above -- are typically able to argue almost every day and yet they are trained on how to do so without being disrespectful or violent.
• But without Freedom of Expression -- Freedom or Speech and Freedom of Thought and Belief; We would essentially be nowhere as far as arguments go.
• Because there are societies where arguing is not legal.  Stalin killed as many as 40,000,000 - many of which were killed because they disagreed with his philosophy of Government.
• Many leaders and even Mobs throughout the ages have killed people for having different opinions.

Arguments can be Personal and Professional.  But still in all, if in a Personal Argument, a person can argue in a Profesional way, they might find that it helps their relationship, more than it hurts the relationship.

  Today's lesson is about Arguing in a Professional way.

According to Merriam Webster's Dictionary, an Argument is:

• "The act or (the) process of arguing, reasoning, or discussing."
• That's all it is...

Another way to look at Argument is that Argument is:

• "A coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view."
• The problem is that it appears to be that most Americans seem to think that argument is essentially a fight; when truly, nothing could be further from the truth.  Arguing and fighting are two completely different things.

Per Dr. B., Some of The Possibly Good Things About Healthy Argument Include:

1. Can Help us build Stronger Relationships.  Helps with Nurturing your Relationships.
2. Can Help one partner get to know the needs, desires and concerns of the other partner in a really good way.
3. It can Help a Couple Find New Information, Workable Solutions and even Better Solutions.
4. It often Increases Bonding between Partners.
5. It also sometimes helps one or both Partners in Clearing the Air.  In that way it can help us feel better.
6. Helps each Partner learn how to Increase their Listening Skills.  Helps Partners Learn Skills at paying attention to the new information presented during an argument.
7. Helps individual Partners at Building Collaboration and Negotiation Skills.  Argument is Good practice for Collaboration and Negotiation.
8. Builds on one's ability to exercise Patience.
9. Helps one develop more Clear and more Rational and more Logical Thinking Skills.  Arguing helps one build Critical Thinking Skills.
10. Argument can be a great way to experience the depths and the strength of a Relationship; but only when it is done respectfully.

Why does this Seem So Outlandish to Some People -- the Idea that Arguing Can Be Good???

• Could it be that this seems crazy because usually when me and my partner disagree, it turns into a fight?  
• Or perhaps this seems crazy because as a child, I learned not to argue...?  
• Or perhaps I am afraid that an argument will bring me down or even break us up...? 
• But does it really have to be that way?
• What if you were in a Healthy Relationship where it was perfectly okay to have a different opinion about something important?  
• Is that even possible?  What do you think?  Yes, with Critical Thinking.
• So remember, if it wasn't for argument, everyone might just be thinking the same things all the time.  Everyone might eventually even have the same point of view.  There would be no diversity of thought.  It might even be illegal to have a point of view that is different from the Average point of view, or the Majority point of view. 
• Without Argument and Critical Thinking we might not have the benefits of Diversity.  Where would we be as a Society without a Diverse or a Minority Viewpoint?  Finally, where would we as a People be without Diversity in our manners of thinking and in our bodies of knowledge?  

Some Tools for Arguing include the following:  Self Respect, Respect for others, Listening skills, Critical Thinking skills, Clear Respectful and Rational Communication, Patience, Collaboration skills, Negotiation skills, Willingness to consider Minority or Different Viewpoints, and even Compromise.  And finally, one probably really needs to know one's self in order to argue in a healthy way.

Dr. B's Rules About Arguments / How To Argue Without Destroying An Otherwise Good Relationship:

1. Accept that Argument is an almost inevitable part of Relationships.  It's gonna happen.
2. Know that the Purpose of an Argument is to Find Solutions Together.  The Purpose of an Argument is NOT to Win.  It is not about Winning or Losing or being Right or Wrong.
3. Arguments are NOT about Venting either necessarily; however, we often feel better after we share our point of view on important matters.  But it is important in an Argument to try and keep the emotions from taking over.  It's often good to stay on point.
4. Understanding the difference between Truths and Facts helps in Arguments.  We each have our own Truths.  But between us somewhere, lie the Facts.  I might own my Truth.  But I can never own the Facts.  Because Truths are not Always FACTual.  Truths are what each person believes to be True.  Whereas FACTS are simply FACTS.  They don't change much.  And the Purpose of an Argument is often to learn what the FACTS are by Listening to Each Person's Truths.  (Perhaps this is why in Court, the Judge asks you: "Do you swear to tell the TRUTH and nothing but the TRUTH, so help you GOD?"  Rather than asking you if you will swear to tell the FACTS and nothing but the FACTS, so help you GOD?)  Another Purpose of an Argument is to Discover Facts as gleaned from Truths.  So it's important that we always respect and even Value our Partner's or the other person's Truths.  In essence, we need to learn how to value the fact that the other person has a Truth; even if we disagree with it.
5. Effective Arguments do not necessarily have Winners or Losers.  An Effective Argument does not need to include Blame, Shame, Guilt, Exaggeration or Intimidation.  Effective Arguments should almost always end in a positive, fulfilling way -- if possible.  In other words, when an Argument ends; both parties should feel like they learned something new; or that something is finally settled -- or about to be settled.
6. Arguments tend to have Rules.  And the first Rule of Arguments is Respect.  Successful Romantic Relationships (and Other Relationships); as well as productive, and healthy arguments; are all built on Respect.  ALWAYS be Respectful toward your Partner (And Everyone Else too -- including yourself) -- especially if you are trying to argue about something.)  Especially if you disagree.  Proper Argument is always done in a Respectful Manner.  If an Argument is NOT Respectful; then it is no longer an Argument.  It then has become a Fight.  
7. Arguments are NOT Fights.  Arguing is NOT Fighting.  Fighting is one of the most Disrespectful things one person can do to another person or to themselves.  Whereas a good Argument can be educative, enlightening, resourceful and even helpful -- and above all, a good Argument MUST BE Respectful at all times.
8. One cannot really facilitate a healthy Argument in a rush either.  Take your time.  Make time to Argue.  
9. Always be sure to to identify the standards you are using for telling what indicates success in the argument.  For example:  Do NOT confuse Morals with the Law or what is Legal with Morality.  In other words, what is Legal is not always Right.  And what seems Right, is not always Legal.  In other words, just being Right or Legal in an Argument does not necessarily win the Argument for both people; unless, that is the standard for a successful argument in that case.  Because the goal is often to be BOTH Right  (or good) and also Legal at the same time, for example.
10. Try to argue about one point at a time.  Don't mix points or time frames.  If you are arguing about one thing, don't bring up another until this one is settled.
11. A Point only becomes a Point if you both agree that it is point -- and that point belongs to both of you.  No person gets more points than the other in a Personal Argument.  The objective here is to settle differences; not to win.  Now, in a Courtroom it's different to do it this way because the Judge (and/or the Jury) are frequently keeping score.  

"How to Communicate During an Argument: 7 Quick Rules (By Estes (2012).  (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):

1. "Avoid bringing up the past.  When your partner comes to you with a concern or is upset, avoid bringing in the past as an example, to prove your point, or in an attempt to resolve the issue. ...  (Much less to shame or intimidate your partner).  (Dr. B. says, Don't bring up the past or exaggerations in order discount the other person's point and try to win; when in fact, the purpose is to solve things, not to win or lose.)
2. Use positive pointing language. ...  (Don't blame your partner -- Like "You always..... or You never...."  etc..  Use "I" statements noticing positive qualities about your partner.  Be sensitive to how both you and your partner are feeling during this argument.  We don't want to create more damage than good.)
3. Become a “we” ... (Like Partners -- or like a Team -- yeah... like a Couple!).  Look at the solution as something "we" are seeing together, given the facts that have now been revealed through our truths and our argument.
4. Claim your own role in the problem. ... (Take Responsibility and Accountability for what you have contributed to the problem.  Be accountable.)
5. Calm your nerves. ...  (Deep Breathing helps, Grounding helps.  Be patient.  Try to Ralax.  Try never to argue standing up.  Sit down, listen and listen really well.)  (Don't raise your voice).
6. Don't leave -- or walk out on the argument if you can help it; unless it's getting abusive; or if it is time for you to take a Time Out. ... If nothing else, you can Stay there and listen Respectfully.  Be Patient.
7. Bring down the wall."  (Be yourself).  (Let your partner come past your defenses.  (From: Jennine Estes, MFT (2012)).

*** Don't let your argument get the best of you. ***

*** Other: The "Rules for Argument" as proposed by the University of Colorado include an 
"Argument Checklist", which suggests that the following questions be answered prior to arguing  (Dr. B's Annotations are in Parentheses):

• "Is this subject worth arguing about?  (Will it take an argument to solve this? Or do you simply need a friendly negotiation instead?)
• Have I gathered enough evidence to make an argument?  (Have I established what the Truths are as well as what are probably the FACTS.  Hence, is my argument going to be based in fact or in fiction?)
• Do I represent the views of my opponents in a way they would consider fair?  (Would my partner agree with the way I am representing her or his View of the Situation?  Or am I exaggeration or embellishing truths in order to sway opinions?  Or am I missing crucial information?)
• Have I developed my argument logically?  (Or am I just angry and venting?  But seriously, does my argument flow from one point to the next without holes?)
• Is my use of evidence accurate?  (Or am I minimizing or just exaggerating?)
• Have I tried to prove too much?"  (Am I over-arguing in trying drive home the point?)

  *** Please Click Here to Complete Your Worksheet on Arguing in Relationships **   

Sources: Webster's Dictionary Online.

  Jennine Estes, MFT (2012) "How to Communicate During An Argument."
  "Rules for Argument: Make Your Argument Convincing" (University of Colorado, Denver).
  "A Short Guide to Writing About History" Marius (1999).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).