DRAFT In PROGRESS --
PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY
DRAFT In PROGRESS --
PLEASE DO NOT PRINT OR COPY
There are many challenges to Breaking Up.
Talking about Parental Alienation
The Neil Sedaka Song....
"Breakiing Up is Hard to DO... Don't tak eyou love, away from me...
..."
From: https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/102708p26.shtml
Parental alienation is a set of strategies that a parent uses to foster a child’s rejection of the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome develops in children who come to hate, fear, and reject the targeted parent as someone unworthy of having a relationship with them. Richard Gardner, PhD, who coined parental alienation syndrome, described in The Parental Alienation Syndrome: A Guide for Mental Health and Legal Professionals that there are eight behavioral components that have been validated in a survey of 68 targeted parents of severely alienated children (Baker & Darnall, 2007).
Eight Manifestations of Parental Alienation Syndrome
1. A Campaign of Denigration
Alienated children are consumed with hatred of the targeted parent. They deny any positive past experiences and reject all contact and communication. Parents who were once loved and valued seemingly overnight become hated and feared.
2. Weak, Frivolous, and Absurd Rationalizations
When alienated children are questioned about the reasons for their intense hostility toward the targeted parent, the explanations offered are not of the magnitude that typically would lead a child to reject a parent. These children may complain about the parent’s eating habits, food preparation, or appearance. They may also make wild accusations that could not possibly be true.
3. Lack of Ambivalence About the Alienating Parent
Alienated children exhibit a lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealized support. That parent is perceived as perfect, while the other is perceived as wholly flawed. If an alienated child is asked to identify just one negative aspect of the alienating parent, he or she will probably draw a complete blank. This presentation is in contrast to the fact that most children have mixed feelings about even the best of parents and can usually talk about each parent as having both good and bad qualities.
4. The “Independent Thinker” Phenomenon
Even though alienated children appear to be unduly influenced by the alienating parent, they will adamantly insist that the decision to reject the targeted parent is theirs alone. They deny that their feelings about the targeted parent are in any way influenced by the alienating parent and often invoke the concept of free will to describe their decision.
5. Absence of Guilt About the Treatment of the Targeted Parent
Alienated children typically appear rude, ungrateful, spiteful, and cold toward the targeted parent, and they appear to be impervious to feelings of guilt about their harsh treatment. Gratitude for gifts, favors, or child support provided by the targeted parent is nonexistent. Children with parental alienation syndrome will try to get whatever they can from that parent, declaring that it is owed to them.
6. Reflexive Support for the Alienating Parent in Parental Conflict
Intact families, as well as recently separated and long-divorced couples, will have occasion for disagreement and conflict. In all cases, the alienated child will side with the alienating parent, regardless of how absurd or baseless that parent’s position may be. There is no willingness or attempt to be impartial when faced with interparental conflicts. Children with parental alienation syndrome have no interest in hearing the targeted parent’s point of view. Nothing the targeted parent could do or say makes any difference to these children.
7. Presence of Borrowed Scenarios
Alienated children often make accusations toward the targeted parent that utilize phrases and ideas adopted from the alienating parent. Indications that a scenario is borrowed include the use of words or ideas that the child does not appear to understand, speaking in a scripted or robotic fashion, as well as making accusations that cannot be supported with detail.
8. Rejection of Extended Family
Finally, the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated, despised, and avoided but so are his or her extended family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are suddenly and completely avoided and rejected.
In a recent study (Baker & Darnall, 2007), targeted parents rated their children as experiencing these eight behavioral manifestations in a way that was generally consistent with Gardner’s theory. Parents reported that their children exhibited the eight behaviors with a high degree of frequency. One exception was alienated children being able to maintain a relationship with some members of the targeted parent’s extended family, which occurred in cases where that relative was actually aligned with the alienating parent. This suggests that the context of the contact with the targeted parent’s extended family (that relative’s role in the alienation) needs to be understood prior to concluding whether this component is present in the child.
Also, Long-Term Negative Effects
Not surprisingly, the adult children with parental alienation syndrome believed that this experience had negative long-term consequences for them. Many spoke of suffering from depression, turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, failed relationships and multiple divorces and, most sadly, becoming alienated from their own children later in life. In this way, the intergenerational cycle of parental alienation syndrome was perpetuated."parental alienation" and suicide
https://www.summitcounseling.us/blog/169349-the-alienated-parent#:~:text=The%20suicide%20rate%20for%20divorced,cut%20off%20from%20other%20people
"The suicide rate for divorced and separated adults in the United States is about 2.4 times greater that it is for married individuals. Suicide risk factors that can be directly associated with being an alienated parent include: Feelings of hopelessness. Isolation or feelings of being cut off from other people.Jan 23, 2020"
First Published February 28, 2019 Research Article
Parental alienation has been an unacknowledged and poorly understood form of family violence. Research on parental alienation and the behaviors that cause it has evolved out of decades of legal and clinical work documenting this phenomenon, leading to what could be considered a “greening,” or growth, of the field. Today, there is consensus among researchers as to what parental alienating behaviors are and how they affect children and the family system. We review the literature to detail what parental alienation is, how it is different from other parent–child problems such as estrangement and loyalty conflicts, and how it is perpetuated within and across different social systems. We conclude by highlighting research areas that need further investigation to develop and test effective solutions for ameliorating the devastating effects of parental alienation that, we posit, should be considered and understood not only as abusive to the child but also as a form of family violence directed toward both the child and the alienated parent.
https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=-AhklZTeuXEC&oi=fnd&pg=PP15&dq=impact+of+parental+alienation+on+child%22&ots=LHm1pllpks&sig=-nyj-kyeNXqrMx92i3jSAU20rxI#v=onepage&q=impact%20of%20parental%20alienation%20on%20child%22&f=false
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children
References
Baker, A. (2010). “Adult recall of parental alienation in a community sample: Prevalence and associations with psychological maltreatment.” Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 51, 16-35.
Bernet, W. et al (2010). “Parental alienation and the DSM V.” American Journal of Family Therapy, 38, 76-187.
Fidler, B. and Bala, N. (2010). “Children resisting postseparation contact with a parent: Concepts, controversies, and conundrums.” Family Court Review, 48 (1), 10-47.
Kruk, E. (2011). Divorced Fathers: Children’s Needs and Parental Responsibilities, Halifax: Fernwood Publishing.
Watching "Until the Violence Stops: The Vagina Monologues" has been a tradition in Dr. B's DV Treatment Sessions for DV Program Participants for almost a Decade now.
The beauty of the Vagina Monologues is that the money raised has been used to help fund countless projects that operate in order to improve the lives of girls and women around the World. And this in turn tends to improve the lives of everyone else.
I have seen it probably at least 50 times and each time I watch it, I get something else -- something new -- about this important topic.
This is why watching the Vagina Monologues is a required part of my DV Offender Treatment Program.
Click on The Links below to watch videos related to the Vagina Monologues. Please watch some of these and then Complete The Worksheet at the Bottom of this Post.
>>> *** Please Click Here to Complete Your
Vagina Monologues Reaction Worksheet!!! *** <<<
Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler Talk about The Vagina Monologues
Click Here to Watch Ensler Talk (some more) about The Vagina Monologues
= Click Here to Watch Eve Ensler's Ted Talk about the Vagina Monologues =
(((Click Here to Watch the 2018 Vagina Monologues)))
**>>> Click Here to Watch "Until the Violence Stops":
The Vagina Monologues" online. <<<**
(This one is a Pay-Per-View or one can view it
via Subscriptions (Hulu, Prime, IMDB etc...;
Click Here for Another Version of the Vagina Monologues
<<<<<>>>>>
IMPORTANT: <<< CLICK HERE >>> DV Session Feedback Form >>>
This Is A DRAFT Post. Please do not COPY or PRINT it.
How does one Deal Effectively with Dysfunctional, Destructive, and Negative Behaviors and Problems in a Relationship --
It could come from our Partners -- or otherwise these maladies could be manifesting in our Relationship from who knows where else?
Or it could be coming in from the World.
Sometimes the problem is we just can't let go sometimes... And sometimes we can.
Have you ever had to deal with such things? Problems.. negativities that get into your relationship and just fester... Could be something old Trauma... chasing new Trauma.
We have temporary fixes like ..... name your poison .....
... What if my life with my partner comes up with one or more of the following issues???
>>> What if me, or my partner Throws Tantrums or Fits... ?
>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sex - Addiction (A Gigantic Porn Collection... Having Affairs,... Paying for sex)... ?
>>> What if me, or my partner has a Sugar Addiction ?
>>> What if me, or my partner Just keeps on Over-Eating ?
>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Gambling to do anything the other wants them to do ?
>>> What if my partner or I am just too busy Drinking or Drugging all the time ?
>>> What if me, or my partner has a Caffeine Addiction -- like just Real Hyper... Just Can't STOP! ?
>>> What If they have a Video Game Addiction and won't quit until they Win The BIG ONE?
>>> What If they have Work-a-holism.. or A Job-addiction ?
>>> What if me, or my partner has a problem involving Spending / Binge spending.. / Credit Card issues / Creditors calling the House all the time... ?
>>> What if my partner or I have Binge Drinking / Cocaine Binges / Meth Binges / or Extended Acid Trips... ...SHROOMS Problem???
>>> Or one of us has a Rage-alcoholism problem -- Serious Anger Management Issues? Like breaking stuff right and left... Punching holes in walls...
>>> What if Kleptomania is a part of our relationship ? Or we have Some other kind of Serious Mental Illness.. Or the Voices told me to do it. What if my partner has Psychosis ??? (Don't know reality from fiction.)
>>> What if your partner Refuses to Address a Serious MH problem -- Like Trichotillomania -- Paranoia -- Psychosis -- Severe Anxiety or Debilitating Depression ?
>>> What if I have Hypochondria / Yet Still / I am Insensitive to my partner's issues (Basically I am habitually Inconsiderate of their needs)... ?
>>> What if my partner Cannot separate their Role at Work from their Role at Home ?
>>> What is my partner is a Shut-In / Always in Isolation / They are a Loner -- especially during holidays... Like my family has never even met them.... ?
>>> What if they have a Problem with their Temper / They Lose their Temper over "nothing" on a regular basis?
>>> Selective Mutism... Won't talk when uncomfortable. ?
>>> What if I am a Dangerous Driver / I have Road Rage NO MATTER Who is in the Car / I got DUI's (And the related expenses) too ? Where does that leave my partner ? What if I drive drunk with the kids in the car ?
>>> What if I am a Holy-Roller / Bible-Thumper... -- I am a Guru-Addict -- a Cult-Member -- I am Always trying to convert you to my Religion... ?
>>> What if my partner is a Hoarder -- Compulsive... Obsessive Compulsive -- meaningless collector of everything... ?
>>> What if they are always throwing away your important stuff -- without apology or anything ?
>>> What if I am a Chronic Liar -- Compulsive Liar -- I just Can't or Won't tell the truth.... I will deny the truth even when it is right in front of me... ?
>>> What if I am a Bully !!! Like you cannot trust them me with the kids even... ?
>>> What if my partner is SIMPLY A NON-STOP Gossip -- Always talking negative about things and people that just do not matter. ?
>>> What if they are Always Jealous... suspicious.. accusing you of cheating... Claiming that they have proof of your BAD DEEDS... ?
>>> What if I am Vengeful / I simply won't forget that one thing that you said or did / I Cannot let it go / I keep Diggin up the past all the time / I Will Never Forgive... ?
>>> What if they Can't / Won't Keep a Job / No Ambition / Can't or Won't look for work either... ? Won't even clean the living room or the Cheerios off the Kitchen Floor?
>>> What if they are Type A -- They Never listen to you / Always talk over you... and then it's all your fault according to them ?
>>> What if they are always Compulsively Cleaning / Compulsively showering / Compulsively Primping.... Always washing their car even... ?
>>> What if I cannot have even the simplest, most insignificant disagreement without it turning into the End of the World?
>>> What if your partner are a Cat-Lady / Cat-Man (OOOh... that Smell!) / Or they are a Person with a Violent DOG ?
>>> What if they are Always acting paranoid / Always suspecting you of doing wrong -- no matter what you did or where or how or anything?
>>> What if they are just always keeping secrets.. and they tease you with bits of info.. but never tell you the whole story?
>>> What if they used to be so nice and a GREAT LOVER. But now They are a Hater / They Hate everyone... They are Hyper Critical / There is No Love There Any More?!?
>>> What if I am a Chronic Victim / Always blaming everyone else / I never take accountability... ?
>>> What if I am Sloppy / Unclean... / Dusty... / Stinky ... / Gross .../ Filthy... / yeaccchhhe..... ?
>>> What if I am Always getting into Fights (with anyone)... everywhere... Every TIME .. ALL THE TIME.. Where ever I go... ? You can't take me anywhere...
>>> What if they simply Refuse to pay the bills --- ?
>>> What if you Dial the HELP Number for their particular problem and hand them the phone --- but time after time, they just hang it up... and they say it's your fault ???
>>> What if they are a Social Media Addict -- they got like 7,000 "Friends" on one Ap alone...?
>>> What if I am Someone who likes to FIGHT.. Likes to play ROUGH... But then I say I am just kidding...?
>>> What if they are simply Someone who ALWAYS NEEDS you to agree with them... -- even when they are wrong?
So, What are Some Viable Solutions to such problems?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
What do you DO???
What CAN YOU DO???
What if some of these describe your partner to a T?
What if some of these describe you to a T?
What happens when you are with someone .. In a committed relationship.. and then you realize that they are like this...
Do you think DV comes out of this kind of stuff?
BUT THEN THEY WON'T STOP???
What do you DO???
Do You GET DV'd ???... and Must
You Do DV ??? (NO WAY!!!)
TO DO; Or NOT TO DO Something About It???
Is there anything you CAN Do to stop this madness?
SHOULD you DO Something? (Why? Why Not?)
What are the PROS and CONS of just letting it go?
What are the PROS and CONS of NOT just Letting it GO???
Here are some Possible Solutions (Which One's Might Work for you?):
Learn to live with it? (NO WAY!!!)
Don't say anything and just Hope that they change? (Maybe???)
Drop them off for Therapy... "Send them to Rehab..."? (YES?!)
Try to get them to get Medication? (Depends on the Problem!!!)
Get Couple's Counseling? (Maybe???)
Call in a professional for an Intervention...
Threaten to leave them if they ever do it again? (Maybe???)
Be grateful that you at least won't die alone? (NO WAY!!!)
Try to have them arrested? NONONO
Kill them with Kindness?
Just STRAIGHTEN them out? (NO WAY!!!)
Start Therapy for yourself to help you deal with the situation? ("YES!")
Introduce them to your slutty friend and hope they take the bait? (NO WAY!!!)
Try to Educate them and Change them by yourself? (Possibly)
Go & See your Fortune Teller? Get your palm read? Or Medicine Man (Maybe...)? Your Curandaro.. or your Psychic... ?
Try to get them hooked on a new Hobby so they will be distracted? (ehhh...?)
Drive them to a different State and leave them there? (NO WAY!!!) Don't even think about it.
Go to Church more and Pray a lot... Pray Hard! (???)
Hire an In-Home Applied Behavior Analysis Practictioner or Behavioral Modification Person?
Start cooking with Herbs and Spices that might be reputed to effectively address and/or change the condition?
You could ask them if they want to get help? (But what if they're in denial?)
Send them back to their Mother or to their Ex? (NO WAY!!!)
Call their Family and rat them out? (NO WAY!!!)
Have an affair and just ignore the problems you have at home? (NO WAY!!!)
Start Drinking or Drugging and blame it on them? (NO WAY!!!)
Buy some Meds in Mexico and put them into their Food -- Or -- Secretly Drug them? (NO WAY!!!) Not on your life!
Have another baby because maybe that'll change things? (NO WAY!!!)
Work on things together? (Good idea!)
Brow-Beat them into Submission? (NO WAY!!!)
Put signs all around the house and in the car too. (But what would you put on the signs?)
Move away (with them) and start over Fresh in a strange land?
Listen to them more? YESSS!
Move away (without them) and start over Fresh?
Love them till Death Do You Part?
