What Makes Domestic Violence Happen? Acknowledging Our Human Motivations for DV-type Thinking, Perceptions, Feelings & Behaviors.

First of all: What is Domestic Violence?  

  One source says, Domestic Violence is: "Violent or aggressive behavior within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner" (Source).

  Another source says:   "Domestic violence means that in a relationship or marriage, one or both of the partners uses physical, sexual or psychological violence to try to get power or control over the other or due to losing their temper. Domestic violence can occur in heterosexual and same-sex relationships" (Source).

They also go on to state: 

  "In any culture or community, there are beliefs and attitudes that support domestic violence and beliefs and attitudes that do not support domestic violence. In most countries, laws exist to protect the victim of such violent acts. There are also organizations that can help in such situations." (Source).

In Colorado Law: 

"Domestic violence is any violent act or even a threat of a violent act against someone with whom the alleged offender has had an intimate relationship. The state actually takes this definition a little further, noting that domestic violence includes situations in which someone commits a crime against another person, animal, or property with the intent to do any of the following against someone with whom he or she had an intimate relationship:

Punish

Intimidate

Control

Coerce

Revenge

For example, the state may consider it domestic violence if someone breaks a former spouse’s property as a threat or out of anger. Based on these terms, there is no shortage of acts that could be considered domestic violence.

   And How does the state define “intimate relationship”?

"The law interprets several different situations in which people may have had an intimate relationship. For example, spouses, former spouses and either present or past couples fall into this category. Additionally, two people who have a child together, regardless of the terms of their relationship, are considered to have had an intimate relationship." (Source.)

Why do we do what we do?  Why do we do Domestic Violence?  

  When DV happens, it is likely that who ever did it will say that their reason for doing it was pretty much innocent.  Even though in many cases, they will also admit that how they did it was senseless, as well.  

  Clearly, there is no excuse for DV.  There is no excuse for hurting another person whether it is physical or emotional or social.  

  It is also important to note that Humans are NOT perfect.  

  At the same time, human beings are thinkers, feelers and doers.  We think, we feel, and we do.  However, many other things also influence how we think, what we feel, and why we do what we do.  But why do we do DV?

What Makes DV Happen?   

  First and Foremost, DV happens as a result of Choices.  

  Sometimes, we make poor choices.  They may be choices based on good intentions, mistaken information, misperceptions, misunderstandings, poor communications, intoxication or just plain bad-luck choices.  But the fact remains that DV Happens as a result of at least one choice.  

  And it's not necessarily a choice to do Domestic Violence all by itself; as much as it might be a choice to try and make something happen -- for which the resulting behavior could constitute Domestic Violence. 

  In other words, a lot of times, people do Domestic Violence without realizing that they are committing Domestic Violence.  Nonetheless, there are consequences for breaking DV-related Law(s) even if we do it without knowing it is against the law.

In order to find Possible Ways to Make DV Stop or to Prevent DV; we have to take an honest look at Why and How it Happens, Right?

  One Theory according to an Advocacy Agency about What DV Is and Why DV Happens says: 

"Domestic violence is any behavior, the purpose of which is to gain power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. Abuse is a learned behavior; it is not caused by anger, mental problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses" (Source). 

  Abuse tends to happen as a result of a choice.  But it's not necessarily a choice to abuse; as much as it might be a choice to do a particular thing in order to get a desired result.  Nonetheless, abuse is abuse.  There's no two ways about it. 

  Think about the Average Joe or the Average Jane:  Imagine that Joe or Jane just got a DV Charge.  What are some of the possible reasons why this DV Offense and subsequent Charge(s) Happened?  Why did Joe or Jane commit DV?  Here are just a few possibilities:

• Anger Problems; Angry Outbursts
• Deeply held beliefs about Sex Roles or Gender Roles
• Confusion about how to be an Intimate Partner
• Confusion about how to treat an Intimate Partner
• Jealousy / Insecurity / Paranoia
• A Failure to get Mental Health Help when it is really needed
• Traumatic feelings or worries about a possible break-up
• Substance Abuse tends to sometimes Make DV more likely as well
• Losing our Patience
• Too much Drama in/or around the Relationship
• Financial Problems and Related Stresses
• Pure unadulterated Revenge
• Dysfunctional upbringing -- Where DV seemed "Normal"
• Poor Communication skills
• One partner feeling like punishing another partner
• A Trauma Reaction -- like blowing up in a Panic
• Misunderstandings about things that are happening or not happening
• Having a totally absurd conceptualization of what Love is
• Misunderstandings about the terms or parameters of a Relationship
• Not knowing when to get out of a Relationship
• Not knowing how to get out of a Relationship in a respectful and peaceful manner
• One or BOTH partners simply NOT getting what they want or think they need
• Someone feeling embarrassed
• Not knowing when to take a break from a Relationship
• A Person disrespecting her or his Partner
• A Person not Respecting himself or herself
• Not being able to let go
• A Desire for revenge -- wanting them to feel our pain
• An inability to judge whether or not a situation is healthy to stay in
• A yearning to stay together just for the kids
• Poor self control
• A sincere belief that "Love Hurts" -- or is supposed to
  
• Short Temper
• Having a bad day
• Misplaced Anger
• Ignorance about the DV-related Law(s)
• Dishonesty within the Couple
• Extreme Stress without a good way to manage it
• Reactions to Infidelity / Cheating or suspicions of...
• Spying on, or Stalking one's partner
• Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of one's own Rights
• Misunderstanding or a Misinterpretation of the other partner's Rights
• Just plain Mean-ness
• Extreme Insecurity
• Dependent Personality Issues
• Attempts to use power to gain control over the situation
• Perhaps someone is threatening to tell others a big secret about their partner
• Attempts to use control to gain power over the situation
• Serious Fears about possible changes coming down the pike
• Fear of losing a good thing -- as if a Partner is a "thing"
• Neglecting to participate in Couple's Counseling at the right time
• When a Relationship gets too serious or too intimate too quickly
• Not paying attention to one's Self
• Not paying attention to situations
• Not paying attention to what is going on with others (how they feel about what we are doing)
• As a way to isolate a partner out of jealousy
• Not paying attention to the needs of one's Partner.
• Pure Evil.
• or 100% by accident; yet interpreted as deliberate or on-purpose.

Keep thinking about it...: 

  Why Does DV Happen?  

  How Does DV Happen?  

  The answers can be numerous. But the act of trying to figure this out could be good for us.

  First and foremost, we each MUST acknowledge the choices that we made that created this situation where we committed Domestic Violence.  It's like, if you got a flat tire;  you got to know which tire is flat and how to fix it before you can move on.  Nothing worse than fixing the wrong tire.  Right?

  Some scholars say that DV happens as a result of systemic issues.  In other words: A Systems Theory explanation for DV could be:  

"Domestic violence is a symptom of a family system that is out of balance. The normative structure of the family, the personality traits of the individuals in the family, and the stress and conflict that the family is subjected to combine to create an environment in which violence can occur" (Source.).  

  The "Causal Pie" (from which that definition (above) comes) offers numerous Theoretical Causes for Domestic Violence, ranging from Feminist Theory and Exchange Theory, to Learned Behavior Theory and others.  (Feel free to hit the link above to see that helpful information).

HOWEVER: It doesn't take a Theorist, to note that It typically takes a lot of things to make a DV Offense Happen.

  It's just not that simple is it?  

  It typically goes deeper than just our Behavior, right?

  It also typically goes deeper than just our thoughts, right?

  Further, it also typically goes to our feelings -- but more than that too, Right?  

  And it is typically based in more than just our perceptions -- about what is going on, right?

  Put it all together... and that's what we are working on here in order to prevent DV in the future.

  So Now -- Answer this question: 

"Why would one think or feel that the reasons or motivations that they thought of for their DV offense might have been the best solution(s) for them at the time that the Offense happened?" 

and "What was I thinking would come out of this choice and subsequent effort?" 

or "When thinking what I really wanted at that time; how on Earth was I believing that this behavior was going to yield the result that I wanted?"

 

  But Remember:  It's not about shame, blame or guilt.  It's more about getting to the bottom of it -- getting real clear in our minds and in our hearts about why this awful thing happened.  

  Once we can come to terms with how or why it happened, then we can really start to look at ways to make it stop - or even ways to prevent it in the future. 

 

 So what are you thinking at this point?  

 Why or how did your DV Offense Happen?

Finally -- What might be some ways to avoid this sort of thinking, behavior, and these negative outcomes in the future.

Now that that's done, let's look at some possible solutions.  What are some Ways to Make it STOP?  What are some ways to Prevent Domestic Violence in our Futures?

• Learning how to Take Our time in Starting Up Relationships.

• Learning how to Recognize when a Situation is Escalating in a negative way. 

• Learning about Our Own Strengths and Weaknesses; rather than focusing on the other person's Strengths and Weaknesses.

• Learning about the Rights that we have; versus the Rights that the other person has.

• Learning how to Recognize Our Triggers for Domestic Violence.

• Learning how to identify my DV Cues (the sensations within me that tell me that Imay be about to do DV or something worse).

• Learning when and how to Take Time Outs.

• Learning how to Build our own Confidence enough to where we make sound judgements in difficult situations -- and even judgements about what is best for us as Individuals; rather than always deciding what we think is best for us as a Couple.

• Learning how to Recognize, Respect and Set Healthy Boundaries.

• Learning how to Assess a relationship with a potential Costs / Benefit Analysis.

• Learning how to Communicate for Healthy Relationships -- during a Crisis.

• Learning how to use Stop, Breathe and Focus.

• Learning how to make an Effective Safety Plan for DV Prevention.

• Learning how to recognize when a Relationship is Dangerously Out of Control.

• Learning how to make an Emergency Toolkit for Prevention of DV.

• Learning how to either Stay Sober or how to Get Help for Staying Sober.

• Learning how to Stop trying to Control our Partners; and focus on simply Trying To Control Ourselves.

• Learning how to use our Healthy Support Systems in order to get away from the Danger of either being Victim of DV or becoming a Perpetrator of DV.

• Learning how to Manage Our Own Emotions; instead of Trying to Manage the other person's Emotions.

• Learning how to do Grounding Exercises.

• Learning how to Recognize Deep-Seated or Mental Health Problems and Get Help.

• Learning how to Stop the Cycle of Violence once it has started.

• Learning how to Identify Our Patterns that lead to DV -- including patterns that lead up to becoming Victims of DV; or becoming Perpetrators of DV.

• Learning how to Problem-Solve and how to Think More Clearly without Cognitive Distortions that tend to get us into Trouble.

• Learning how to Recognize Our Anger, and how to Manage Our Anger.

• Learning how to Respect Ourselves and Learning how to Respect Our Partners too.

• Learning when and how to Walk Away in a Peaceful and Respectful Manner.

• Learning about how to Love Ourselves more thoroughly before we again try to Love someone else.

*** Please CLICK HERE to Complete 

Your Motivations for DV Worksheet. ***

Originally Published 2/1/2021)

Sources:

https://www.acesdv.org/domestic-violence-graphics/#:~:text=Domestic%20violence%20is%20any%20behavior,alcohol%2C%20or%20other%20common%20excuses.

Google Search.

http://www.ndhealth.gov/injury/nd_prevention_tool_kit/docs/Causal%20Pie.pdf

https://www.leierlawoffice.com/articles/what-constitutes-domestic-violence-in-colorado/

https://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

(c. 2021, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic     and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.)

Cycle of Violence: The Cyclical Nature of Our World as it Relates to Intimate Partner Violence

  First, it is important to know that this Cycle of Violence is NOT the Inter-Generational Cycle of Inherited Maladies and Tendencies.  Whereas the former Cycle is about how we tend to learn ways of thinking and behaving in our families of origin; the Cycle of Violence is about what we do as adults in our Relationships while we are a part of a system otherwise known as a Relationship or a Marriage.

  In other words, the Cycle of Violence is about the tendency to continue a bad or violent dance with our partner; until it gets so out of control that we tend to crash and burn. 

  It can also happen after we leave a partner, where we simply continue thinking and acting out behaviors that are self-destructive; and/or harmful to others.

  Think about it: This World operates on many MANY Cycles!  Such as the Lunar Cycles, the Earth's Seasons, Crop Rotation, Months and Seasons of each Year, Each Person has numerous Cycles going on -- such as each Generation of a Family, or the NEWS Cycle, Biological Cycles, pretty much every School operates on Cycles, Cicadas and Snakes (shedding their skins in cycles), and Humans do too.  And there's a good time of year to sheer your sheep because their wool grows and we don't want them to have that heavy wool during the hot Summer.  Our Financial Institutions and Government Agencies have their Fiscal Year-End, and they have their own cycles as well...  Some Flowers open up during the Sunlight; but then close at Night. and many many more!  

  Cycles are often a good thing -- and a natural thing... But like automobiles heading toward brick walls, it is better if certain cycles go slower or stop completely before they crash.

  Many survivors describe the abuse that they endured as happening in a cycle, meaning that there seems to be a pattern that occurs. 

  Of course, all relationships are different, and some do not fall into the cycle, however, when they do, the cycle described below is similar for many survivors. The Cycle of Violence consists of three phases, known as the:

Tension Building Phase

Explosion Phase / Crisis Phase

Honeymoon / Reconciliation Phase

 Click here to view a graphic of the Cycle of Violence by (Walker, 1979). 

Faster is NOT Always Better:

  Even after the first cycle completes itself which might take a year or more; it is time to try and stop and think about it, before we proceed.  But very few actually do that.  In other words, it is best to try and resolve and accept our differences; than it is to hold grudges and resentment in a relationship. Frequently, we are in such a hurry to get back to that comfortable state of being In-Love, so we overlook the problems that are right in front of us and hence we set ourselves up for yet another cycle -- one that could be much worse...

  And here we go again!!!

Tension-Building Phase:

  During this phase the victim often feels as though s/he is walking on eggshells, being extra careful not to trigger an explosion. The abuser may be moody or irritable. The victim senses a growing tension in the abuser and fears that the abuse could occur at any moment."

  Example:

• "I could feel it coming for about a week. Sam kept talking about being stressed at work and how I never understood how hard things were for him. I tried to be extra nice and made sure I had his favorite food around. I came home from my campus job early a few times to make sure that the apartment was clean so it would not add to his stress. Then finally, one evening I was sorting laundry and watching my favorite program, not paying attention to Sam. He must have said something to me, I am hearing impaired and cannot hear if there is a lot of background noise, and since I didn't respond he grabbed me by the hair and yanked my head around."

Explosion Phase: This is typically what most people think of when they hear of an abusive relationship. Yelling, hitting, pushing, punching, rape and other forms of emotional, physical or sexual violence can occur during this phase. The abuser may make threats of future violence against the victim, her family or her pets, pull out a weapon, or destroy property. An explosion can also take the form of extreme psychological or emotional abuse such as insults, mind games, embarrassing someone in public or restricting their personal liberty (locking them into a room, binding them, restricting their access to food, bathroom etc).

  Example:

• "We were hanging out with a bunch of his friends. At first he was just teasing me, then he started calling me names in front of his friends. Telling me I was stupid and that I embarrassed him. I told him I wanted to leave. We got up and went to the car. He insisted on driving me home that night. I was so mad at him for treating me like that, I just got in the car and was silent. This made him really mad. He started driving really fast, too fast and swerving all around. We almost hit another car. By the time we got to my place, I was crying and shaking. He yelled at me, saying that if I hated him so much why didn't I just run in and tell my daddy. He knew I wouldn't say anything. I would be in so much trouble if my family knew I was dating someone outside our religion, and he had already threatened to tell them himself if I ever complained..."

The Honeymoon Phase or The Reconciliation Phase: A cycle can begin or end with this phase. In order to regain control of the victim after an explosion the abuser often apologizes and promises that things will be better and that he/she will change, a tactic that instills hope in the victim. The abuser may blame the victim for the explosion and tell the victim that they are forgiven but that in the future they must help the abuser so that this does not happen again. The abuser gives the victim flowers, gifts, and sweet or romantic behavior to cement the reconciliation and reinforce that a time of peace and love (aka Honeymoon) has come to the relationship.

  Example:

• "A few days after the incident I was back with her. I don't know why exactly. She told me that she needed my help to get better. I guess I believed that I had somehow brought the violence out of her. That morning I'd been on the phone with a friend of mine that I knew she was jealous of, and I should have known it would make her angry. She loved me so much, and when it was good, it was so good. She made me feel so beautiful. We were happy like that for about six months until the tension started to build again."

Cycle Frequency/Duration: The cycle can happen hundreds of times during the course of an abusive relationship. One total cycle can take anywhere from a few hours to a year or more to complete. Each stage can vary greatly in the amount of time it takes to complete, and a stage may be skipped altogether. Typically the cycle shortens each time, so that very soon the honeymoon and tension building phases are shorter and the explosion is longer and more violent.

  Example:

• "It was really good with me and my boyfriend for like a whole year or something. Then he started to get angry a lot because he kept getting in trouble at school. He used to be a good student too, but this one White teacher had it out for him because he's the only Black kid in the honors class and spread around that he was a "problem kid". I mean I actually heard him talking to another professor about that. Anyway, my boyfriend was really upset about that, and sometimes he'd take it out on me, yelling and hitting me and stuff. I knew that wasn't right, but it wasn't right what was happening to him either and I wasn't going to get him into any more trouble with anyone. My mom told me that it's a crime how many young black men there are in prison. I wasn't going to do anything to add another one. But eventually it was like I couldn't even remember ever feeling good around him. It was like I was always afraid of him, and I would almost look forward to him hitting me just to get over with it. It got to the point he didn't even try to apologize anymore afterwards like he used to. I still didn't want to get him in trouble, though. I didn't know what to do."

  Per Doctor B, When the Cycle Speeds up, danger may not be far ahead.  When things get faster, we do not see as much of the detail as we need to in order to navigate safely.   And so, when the Cycle is going faster, such as if you are blowing up now and now again...  (whereas you used to blow up every six months); but you are now blowing every week for the last month; it is time to STOP Breathe Focus and Choose Wisely.  This way, you will have a fighting chance to avoid your Cycle of Violence from speeding up to a point where it is so fast that you end up with a DV Charge.

Question: So How am I going to break each Cycle .....

BEFORE it becomes too late???

  There is something to be said for the art of working through our differences; before our differences work through us... and we end up with a lot of built-up pressure and then eventually all the unresolved issues cause our boiling pot to boil over.  And then there is a Fight where there is disrespect (i.e., verbal violence) and/or possibly even physical violence.  

  Perhaps one of the most reliable keys to stopping this cycle is to learn how to resolve issues as they arise (or at least within a reasonable amount of time) BEFORE we get to a point where we feel that disrespect or violence can be justified.  And then we end up doing something awful that might never be forgotten.

  If one cannot do that.. then perhaps -- as difficult as it may seem -- it is time to walk away from the Relationship.

But WHY???

  It is also important to think about the probability that if we do not solve whatever is the root problem that we keep fighting about; then the cycle will probably just continue.

  And if it continues, then the faster it will get.  And then... the worse it gets.  The faster the cycle goes; the more likely someone is going to get hurt or even worse.

  And finally, if we continue the cycle without creating or allowing any solutions, then eventually, we will just keep acting on the cycle itself -- faster and faster and faster and becoming more dangerous with every spin...  When it comes to this, the ultimate self-control would include the willingness and ability to find a way to stop the cycle.  

  And because we cannot really control other people, sometimes the only thing we can really do is stop our own part of the fighting.  Even if it means we have to walk away from taunts by the other person saying that we are just losers.  We have to be mature enough to know that it ain't worth it.

  Simply put: There is nothing to actually win by putting down a person that we said that we loved; or by defeating that person, or by beating them in any way, shape or form.  Nothing good ever comes out of it.

*** Please Click Here to Complete your Cycle of Violence Worksheet. ***

Sources:

Source: (Campus Advocacy Network, Retrieved 8/31/2020.) (Other Source Info.)
Source: (Walker, 1979, Cycle of Violence.)
Source: The Author for the second Cycle of Violence Graphic Above is Unknown.
Source: (Click here to see other wheel-like adaptations to DV-Related Topics).

(Originally Published 8/31/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

 

DV Treatment is a Pay-As-You-Go Kinda Thing

   To Make a Payment via PayPal Right Now, Please Click RIGHT HERE.  

Or go the PayPal Buttons on the top and bottom of the Right Side of the Page.

(Originally posted 2/20/2021)

Overcoming Minimization, Denial and Blame about a Domestic Violence Offense In Order to Manifest Accountability

  One of the primary goals of Domestic Violence treatment is to help people become accountable for their actions, thoughts and feelings from the past and the present; as well as to strive for Accountability in the future.  

  One can begin at the point of thinking for just a minute about a time when I was hurt (physically or emotionally or socially or financially) by someone (on purpose; or even accidentally).    

  Think about that for a moment.  And try to picture how I would feel if they didn't even acknowledge that they have hurt me.  What would I think about them?  Also, what would I think about myself at that moment? 

  This is a pain that could go on and on for decades in some cases.  When all it would have taken at the beginning would have been an apology from the person who did it.  

  So after processing all that (back then); what would I do?  Would I -- or should I act out violently?  Probably not.  Should I act out verbally and try to hurt their feelings or their reputation?  Probably not.  Should do nothing about it?  

  Either way, the pain is there.  But wouldn't I then be making it even more painful if I were to get into trouble for what I did back to them?  So what should I do?  One idea could be to just always try and be fully accountable for the things that I do to others.

  Otherwise, I am going to be in Denial with either Minimization or Blame on my mind.  And that will be a hard way to go.  Accountability is the answer.

Minimization, Denial and Blame

  In discussing Minimization, Denial and Blame regarding DV-type Behaviors or Offenses, it is important to accept the fact that when ever someone is hurt by another person; yet that other person either minimizes, denies, or blames the victim for the pain they are suffering; this tends to add insult to injury.  

  In short, Minimization, Denial and Blame can be conceptualized as Freudian Ego Defenses.  In other words; then phenomena tend to protect us from things we cannot handle at times. But eventually, everyone has to pay the piper.

  Humans tend to be very intelligent and they are really good at manufacturing defenses that will help keep them from having to think honestly about something awful that happened in their life.  Unfortunately, these defenses also tend to hurt others at times.  This is a good reason why we should strive to overcome our Minimization, Denial and Blame for things that we have done to others.  These defenses tend to hurt everyone involved at one time or another.  But that's usually not our intention.  That's why it's good to be able to stop it.

  Minimization is when one (or both) persons are hurt; and the person who did harm to the other person refuses to recognize that harm was done and/or that the other person is actually hurt (physically or in some other way).

  Denial is when the person who did harm to the other person either flat out denies that the harm exists, denies that the event took place, or denies that they were a part of this event which caused harm to the other person.

  Blame is when the person who harmed the other person may admit that they did what they did; however, rather than taking accountability for their actions, he or she blames their actions on the other person, on the situation, or on other factors.  Surely, many things may be involved in any given situation -- particularly a situation involving Domestic Violence; however, DV or Interpersonal Violence almost always involves a deliberate choice on the part of at least one of the people involved.

  And truly, in many cases, the victim played a part in becoming the victim and they are likely to live with the reality of their choices for a long time.  This is not to blame victims.  

  At the same time, the person who did the damage (whether physical, emotional, financial, social, or otherwise) must also accept the reality of the choices that he or she made.  We have to admit to the circumstances and things that contributed to the harm and pain that the other person -- the victim -- is having to live with.
  Therefore, once a person has caused any kind of harm to another person, in order for there to be a chance of any kind of healing, it is important that the person who did the harm avoid any sort of Minimization, Denial or Blaming of the Victim in regards to what happened and how and why the Victim was harmed.

  Minimization Denial and Blame can contribute to the cause of at least three problems: 

• 1) They keep the person who has done the harm from being able to truly comprehend the harm they have done, how they did it, and the pain that they have caused.  The person who did the harm does not really learn to do better next time.  They don't learn that they should do better;

• 2) Minimization Denial and Blame keep the person who has done the harm from being able to move on and make improvements that will help him or her to never make such choices again; and

• 3) Minimization Denial and Blame sometimes keep the victim from ever feeling whole again.  This may contribute to ongoing harm, pain or even trauma.

  Denial can be defined as: “When either the perpetrator or the victim essentially deny that the domestic violence is happening. 

 Or when one denies that what is happening is Domestic Violence -- even when it is clear to others that it is Domestic Violence.  In some cases, one might admit that it is happening, and that what is happening is Domestic Violence; but that “it is not that bad"; or that it's their own fault that they got hurt or that the DV was justified; as well as denial about the impact of the DV on those who it effects. 
 Denial is one of the most common Ego Defenses or barriers to accountability among DV Offenders -- and probably among many others as well. 

•  Think about it: What does denial look like in your life? 

Other examples of Denial could look like when someone says: 

• “At least no one ended up in the hospital – therefore, it was definitely not abuse.”
•  Or “I never laid a hand on her.” 
•  Or “If it was not for me drinking; it never would have happened. It’s the alcohol’s fault.” 
•  Or “She deserved everything she got.” 
•  Or “Heck, if I’d have done 1/10th of what my old man used to do to my mom, that would have been abuse!  But what I did was nothing.” 
•  Or “If she hadn't been talking to that other man, I would not have had to do something about it.” 

Accountability is VERY Different from Denial, Blame or Minimization; 
  When a DV offender actively takes full (100%; not just 50%) responsibility for his or her own actions, behaviors, thoughts, and feelings related to the DV incident(s). 
  This includes becoming responsible for her or his part in the cause(s) of DV, the reason(s) for the DV, the behaviors leading up to the DV incident, all of the different elements of the DV itself, the effects of the DV, and the impact that this DV had on all of those who were affected by it. 


What does Accountability look like? 

  Accountability can look like any of the following, plus many other things not mentioned here:

• Accountability can look like a person apologizing for his or her Domestic violence behaviors, thoughts and/or feelings without blaming any of it on any other person;

• Accountability can look like a person accepting that his or her DV-related legal problems are NOT the Victim's fault or the fault of the police, the person who called the police, the Courts, Probation, or DV treatment providers;

 

• Accountability can look like when a DV offender comes to all DV classes, pays for all DV classes as soon as possible, Contributes in class, and Complies with all other DV-related requirements;

 

• Accountability can look like a person actively taking a full moral inventory of her or his character, behavior, thinking, feeling, or socialization challenges that led to the DV and making a serious commitment to changing them for the better;

   Accountability can look like a person taking full responsibility for his or her DV actions without trying to say that it was the alcohol or drug’s fault; 

 • Accountability can look like a person taking steps to make amends (altruistic amends only – (i.e., expecting nothing in return)) for the damage she or he did;

 • Accountability can look like a person taking serious steps and making serious lifestyle changes that will lead to preventing any DV in the future;

  • Accountability can look like a person committing to living her or his life in such a way as to have the serenity to accept the things that she or he cannot change; the courage to change the things she or he can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  And

        And Accountability can look like a lot of other things as well. 

Our Defenses and Accountability; Versus Minimization, Denial and Blame.  

  Our Ego Defenses do several things.  Our Defenses protect us from realizing things that could be disappointing or even painful.  But they can also put us in danger, that is if there is some danger in NOT realizing something important.  

  "Defense mechanisms are behaviors people use to separate themselves from unpleasant events, actions, or thoughts. These psychological strategies may help people put distance between themselves and threats or unwanted feelings, such as guilt or shame” (Source).  

  At the same time, if my defenses will never let me own up to my issues in a relationship; eventually, my partner might get tired of me.

  And there are at least 10 different types of defenses: Denial, Repression, Projection, Displacement, Regression, Rationalization, Sublimation (or it could look like me becoming really sarcastic whenever I am angry), Reaction Formation (like exaggerating a fear), Compartmentalization and Intellectualization (Freud).

  Any of these Ego Defenses could keep me from truly realizing things that are currently hidden from me and tend to manifest in my interpersonal interactions as minimization, denial or blame; instead of accountability.  In short, the more I can be aware of my defenses, and when, and how I use them; and the more I can keep from using them; the more accountable I can become. 

  So if I am using Denial; who am I helping?  Who knows?  And If I'm using Denial; who am I possibly hurting?  

  Finally, if I really think I am doing this to hurt my partner -- or to get even with my Ex-Partner; then what could I possibly gain from this sort of behavior in the long run?

  Our Defenses are truly our own to solve or quit using.  And if we don't, then we are probably going to continue hurting BOTH ourselves AND others....  Same with using Minimization, Denial and Blame...   And what good will that do?

  The take home message here is that it is feasible that one of the best things any of us could possibly do at some point in our lives could be to get some help to try and figure out what our Defenses are -- or at least to try and figure it out for ourselves.  After all, these defenses sure can get in the way of accountability.  So let's get them out of the way!

*** CLICK To COMPLETE YOUR 

MINIMIZATION, DENIAL & BLAME WORKSHEET ***

(Originally posted: 7/27/2020).

 (c. 2020, William T. Beverly, Ph.D., LCSW, All information on the Blog (Except where otherwise noted); are the intellectual and/or photographic and/or digital property of Dr. William T. Beverly, L.C.S.W., DVOMB Approved Offender Treatment Provider.).

Finding Serenity in Order to Prevent Domestic Violence

  There is no doubt among experts that the exertion -- or attempted exertion -- of Power and Control over situations, things and/or people involved in a Relationship is one of the primary reasons why Domestic Violence Happens.  And more often than not in my experience; it is usually when one partner tries to CONTROL someone who does not wish to be controlled; or tries to CONTROL something that they are simply unable to control.  Hence, it seems logical that one way to prevent Domestic Violence will be for people to begin to examine their lives for a moment in terms of what they CAN CONTROL and what they CANNOT CONTROL.    

  Further, it might be wise to also take note of that which we -- as Humans -- we as Partners -- and/or we as persons who claim that we "LOVE" someone realize that we really need to  get a grasp of exactly how Unlike "LOVE", trying to CONTROL someone of an adult age and maturity can be.  Because LOVE is NOT about controlling someone.  LOVE is about accepting someone the way they are.

  And let's be clear that LOVE can be like an addiction also.

Letting Go of Our Attempts to Try And CONTROL Others:

  Just as with many other bad habits; when we truly want to quit; it often helps to have a good grasp of our reasons for quitting.  If one wishes to quit trying to control people, situations and things which they have no business trying to control, the mantra of "Serenity" can be very helpful -- as it has been for other people with bad habits and addictions for decades.

  One “definition of serenity is a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled.  Achieving this positive state of mind means you won't feel as troubled by life's ups and downs. ... Instead, it's an essential part of your body, mind and soul” (Source).  

  Another definition of Serenity is that it is: "a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. Achieving this positive state of mind means you won’t feel as troubled by life’s ups and downs as before -- hopefully.  While addiction often brings chaos, a loss of control and emotional turmoil, serenity will help you stay calm and true to yourself" (Source).

  Other words for Serenity include: composure, calm, peacefulness, peace (Source).  Or: "patience, peace of mind, stillness, tranquility, quietness and quietude" (Source).   Whereas a list of words that are the Opposite to Serenity include: Anxiety, Agitation and Disruption (Source).

  "Others look at serenity as a sense of coming home to your true self and purpose. It’s not a luxurious, peaceful state. Instead, it’s an essential part of your body, mind and soul. Experiencing a state of serenity can help you avoid chronic stress and also tell you more about the activities that make you happy. It’s not just for monks, nuns and hermits hiding away in the mountains. Serenity can help you in Recovery and make a difference in how you view the challenges in your life." (Source).

Serenity can really come in handy -- particularly at times of crisis.

  A lot of DV events and DV Charges probably happen when someone (or even both parties) are trying to control something that they simply cannot control.

  There really is nothing like realizing and admitting to yourself at an awful time in your life, that you cannot control certain things.  For example if you are heartbroken because someone left you; chances are, you cannot control their decision to leave you.  And that's not always easy to accept.

  Sometimes, for example, it can be a very sad admission, such as to have to admit that you cannot control the Cancer that is ravaging the body of a dear friend.  

  Other times, Serenity can be very helpful in enabling one to admit when one cannot control something that another person is doing.  Or something another person wants to do.

Serenity, the Limits of Control and A DV Offense:

  This is a mini Exercise about how our Serenity is sometimes sacrificed when we try to take Power and Control over someone, something, or some situation which we had no business trying to control in the first place.  

• Name one thing about you that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:

 >>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing that you are truly able to control 100 percent?

Name one thing about your partner that you feel contributed to you getting a DV Offense:

 >>> Now, Precisely what is it about this one thing  that you are truly able to control 100 percent?

    Dr. B proposes that many DV Offenses come out of someone trying to Control or Change something about another person that they truly cannot Control or Change. 

  

Exploring Causation...

  We really do not control as much as we sometimes think we do...  

  Once we accept that we truly cannot control hardly anything that we thought we could control; the question becomes: What can one do about the people, the things, the situations which one cannot control?  Admit that we cannot control it, right?  

  The theory is that the sooner one accepts that they cannot control certain people, certain situations or certain things; the sooner they might feel a whole lot better about life itself.  Yes, it might be a LOSS of some magnitude to let go of trying to control someone or something; but once we let go for good, the struggle will be over.  

  This can also become a great way to relieve stress.  Just let go of trying to control or change things that you cannot control or change.

  Also, this could lead to much more fulfilling relationships in the long run -- Relationships with fewer attempts by one partner or the other to try and control each other.

  This is where Serenity Comes in.  Why?  Because the main property of Serenity is having  the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can control or change; and the things that we cannot control or change).  

  It works in helping people recover from addiction as well.  And it also works in helping people have healthier relationships.

  How can we make Serenity happen?  Well, it begins with studying the situation and determining what you can control or change; versus what you cannot control or change.

Here are one Author's suggestions for ways to find Serenity in your own life:

"Give thanks: Start and end your day by giving thanks for all you have, whether it’s food, shelter, clothing or something else.  (Learn to appreciate what is).

Practice acceptance: Life will always throw you curveballs, and it can get you down if you don’t practice acceptance.  (Practice accepting what is).

Be kind: Acting unkindly toward others does not benefit you. Instead, be kind, and most others will in turn be kind to you.  (Build up your Good Karma Bank Account).

Get enough sleep: Getting the right amount of sleep each night will help you wake up with a clear and relaxed mind.  (Healthy Diet might help also).

Keep your environment clean: It’s hard to relax in a messy space, so keep your space clean and fill it with things that bring you joy.  (Try to ignore the space that belongs to others).

Calm your wandering mind: Our minds easily drift away to unsettling thoughts when we let them. Instead, bring them back to what you love (a.k.a. Think of Love as the ability and the willingness to accept someone or something just the way it is...  If we want to control someone, or if we want them to change; then we clearly do not LOVE them all the way.  Right???).

Use serenity quotes: Hang serenity quotes on your fridge, around your home and in your car to remind yourself of your goals."  (Check out these Serenity Quotes.)

 (Source).  (Highlighted Notes in parentheses above were added by Dr. B.)

“Peace is the simplicity of heart, the serenity of mind, tranquility of soul, the bond of love.”

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm” (Source.).

“Learn to be silent. Let your mind listen and absorb.” – Pythagorus

Finally, About The Serenity Prayer:

  One of the most famous and most widely used Serenity Quotes is known as the "Serenity Prayer".  Without promoting any individual Faith or Religion, one can admit that the Serenity Prayer has been known as a staple of AA, NA, AL-ANON, CODA, OA and ACOA Meetings for decades.  A lot of healing has happened in conjunction with the Serenity Prayer.  

  It was also rumored that General Dwight D. Eisenhower (eventually to become U.S. President) had held close the Serenity Prayer during his planning and execution of "Operation Overlord" and/or D-Day -- Which facilitated the eventual End of WWII. He realized that he could not control whether or not any of the thousands of people who knew about the upcoming D-Day Invasion were leaking crucial information to the Nazis.  Plus, he knew that tens of thousands of Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Pilots and others were going to perish on the Beaches of Normandy. He realized that it was bigger than him even though he was technically in charge and it probably would have been widely thought to be his fault if it all went wrong.  And this could have costs tens of thousands of lives, if not more.  Bus somehow, as the "Supreme Commander", he had to move forward and do his best to save the World from Hitler.

  "The Serenity Prayer means letting go of situations beyond your control and taking action toward things within your control. It also means being able to know when things are within your control and when things are beyond your control" (Source).

  The Serenity Prayer goes like this: "God, Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" (Source).

  Each of us could stand the benefits of the potential self-improvement of being able to consistently know our own positions regarding the following important tasks:

• >>>  Being able to muster the Serenity to Accept the things that we cannot change.

• >>>  Having the Courage to change the things that we can change. 

• >>>  And finding the wisdom to know the difference (between the things we can change; and the things which we cannot change).

  The Take home message here might be that Serenity could possibly help each of us feel a whole lot better about some of the most important things in our lives.  If we really study it and begin to truly realize which things we can control; and which things we cannot control; then we could be a lot happier because we could stop chasing things that we will never catch.  And further, we could start catching the things that we choose to chase.

  Think of it this way... Just because I might be a dog; doesn't mean that I have to chase every car that goes by.

  It's like Kenny Rogers sang, "You got to know when to hold them; know when to fold them; know when to walk away; and know when to run..."

*** Please Click Here to Complete your

Finding Serenity Worksheet. ***

*** And always remember to complete your 

Session Feedback Form after each Session (Below). 

   Please click here to complete Dr. B's Session Feedback Form.   

(Originally posted 3/8/2021)

Sources:

https://7summitpathways.com/blog/what-is-serenity/

https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/serenity

https://www.google.com/search?q=antonyms+for+serenity&rlz=1C1CHBF_en&oq=antonyms+for+serenity&aqs=chrome

..69i57j0i22i30l3j0i390j69i60.10978j0j15&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8 

https://steverosephd.com/the-meaning-of-the-serenity-prayer/